The Freedom in Unpacking

We've been talking about baggage recently. Not the kind of baggage you can see but the kind that is felt. It can be, and it is, felt in everyday interactions with other people or in how a situation is handled and approached.  And we have this unspoken, maybe even unacknowledged, expectation for other people to carry our baggage for us. We press them into service as a personal sherpa. And that's not anyone's job in life - to be the personal sherpa for another's emotional baggage.

Galatians 6:2 talks about carrying the burdens of life for one another. And I hate to break it to *you* but carrying doesn't mean what you might want it to mean. It doesn't mean that we enslave another person to carry our stuff. It actually means that we come alongside someone, help them shoulder the burden in ways that help to lighten, heal, and sort it out. It doesn't mean that we assume responsibility for someone's baggage. It does mean that we can help them unpack it.

Packing is a lot different, at least for me, than unpacking. When I pack for a trip I fold things, roll things, consolidate as much as possible. If someone opened my bag to search it they would find a rather organized pack job. But coming home? That's a whole different story. Forget folding, rolling, and even consolidating. I shove it all in, haphazardly, and hope the bag doesn't pop open or get searched. It's a mess. Our baggage, the felt not the seen, is a lot like the coming home packing. We've taken hurts, anger, and other things and shoved them in without paying much attention to them.  As a result our baggage is close to bursting.

Have you ever had your luggage explode open on you? What a mess. What an embarrassment (hello undies)! What an inconvenience. Have you ever exploded? It's messy right? It can be embarrassing, if not right away then later on. And it can be very inconvenient depending on who is around when the explosion happens (job loss, relationship loss, etc). Instead of walking around wondering when my baggage is going to explode I prefer unpacking it as quickly as possible. It's true, I could repack it for the trip home in a more organized way - that's always the plan. But usually I get to that moment and I just don't want to think about that item any longer, I just want to pack it away. Cue the haphazard pack job.

Galatians 6:2, between the lines, means helping one another to unpack. That is what carry means in that particular scripture. But unpacking is a little weird right? I mean you've got your dirty undies and your stinky socks. I know I don't want anyone having to see, handle, or deal with those - I don't even want to myself! That's why we usually try to unpack our baggage alone. But sometimes we can't. We just can't. It's too messy, too hard, too hurtful, too much. Sometimes, actually I would argue all of the time, we need help unpacking our "felt" baggage. But it can't be just anyone. It has to be "the right one."

Ecclesiastes talks about seasons in chapter 3.  And just like there is a season for everything we experience in life there are also people for different times of our lives. I've had people be the "right one" for certain seasons and then suddenly they no longer are. God knows our needs and he knows what kind of people we need for each season and for each piece of baggage that needs to be unpacked. So the "right person" may be just right for popping open the bag for us. Or maybe they are going to help us sort the mess inside. Or, and this is the biggie, maybe they are going to help us handle the dirty and stinky and get it cleaned up.

And not every piece of baggage we carry is the same. Just like literal baggage comes in a variety of sizes, materials, and functions so does our "felt" baggage. Some of our emotional baggage is small and compact, easily unpacked and forgotten. But some of our emotional baggage is like what I call one piece of baggage I have. I call this suitcase the "Mack Daddy." This piece is HUGE. It was a gift from a dear couple and it weighs - empty - something like 12 pounds. It is massive. And while Mack Daddy is great for packing a lot of stuff, it is cumbersome. It's large (understatement). It can become that piece of luggage that everyone avoids. (Thank goodness for its wheels!) Sometimes our emotional baggage resembles Mack Daddy - cumbersome and the piece that everyone avoids. Sometimes we have a piece of emotional baggage that is so stuffed full it exceeds weight limits (of the heart and mind that is). So as varied as our "felt" baggage is so will be the variety of "right people" in our lives to help us unpack.

And the flip side is true. We will be someone's "right person" to help them unpack and our role won't always be the same - it will depend on the person who needs help unpacking and the size of their baggage. I've participated in all the roles - zipping it open for them, sort the mess out, and even the biggie. I've helped some handle and unpack the dirty and the stinky and get it cleaned up.

Everyone has baggage. Let's love each other enough to refuse to haul it around and offer to help unpack it instead.

Sherpa for hire?

That's it, *we* need to have a talk.

I am not *your* baggage claim and *you* are not mine. Listen, we all have our baggage - that's not the point. The point is I have my own to haul and you have yours. Don't make me get yours, I don't have the capacity, and I won't make you pick up mine. I can't be responsible for your baggage just like you can't be for mine. So quit trying to make me pick yours up, assume responsibility for it, and carry it yourself.

I'm adjusted to the way my baggage rolls, the way it feels when I handle it, and the quirks it might possess (wobbly wheels, sticky handle, stubborn zipper, etc). I can get around pretty smoothly with my baggage because I know it. But when someone else pushes their baggage on to me, expecting me to keep the same pace with this additional load that isn't mine, then I slow down. I get clumsy and unsure.

I recognize my baggage right away. It has a distinct marker on it so I don't have to guess at which is mine. But if I'm made to get someone else's baggage then I have to look at each tag as it glides by me on the carousel. It slows everyone down.

There's a reason why airlines ask if you have left your baggage alone at any point in time or if someone you don't know has asked you to carry theirs. Because airlines recognize that sometimes it isn't safe or wise to take on someone else's baggage.  If the airlines get that then surely *we* can too.

Lately I've been having some baggage issues. Some of my own baggage got opened and searched and some of my co-workers have been attempting to make me their personal sherpa's and haul their baggage around. Listen, I'm not here to haul your stuff around for you. I'm not here to carry it for you. I'm not here to be your proxy baggage handler. Do you see me foisting my baggage on to *you*? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Galatians 6:2 tells us to carry one another's burdens. That doesn't mean what *you* might want it to mean. A few years ago I was taking a big trip. I had never taken this kind of trip before and I was at a loss as to how to pack for it. One of my three's came over one day and packed me up. I helped some but she took the lead and showed me the way. She helped to carry my burden of baggage for a season but she didn't assume responsibility for it nor did she come along on my trip and act as my personal sherpa. I had to take care of my own baggage, I alone was responsible for it. She helped me to carry it, sort it out, and lighten up but she couldn't, and didn't, take it on as her own. That's the living out of Galatians 1:2. God doesn't mean for us to haul other's burdens - that's not what "carry" means in this case. He means for us to walk alongside, shoulder some of it in ways that help lighten, heal, and sort it out. If someone else carries my baggage for me I'm not going to learn what it is like to carry my own and sort it out for myself. We each have to learn how to handle our own baggage and not attempt to transfer ownership to someone else.

Listen, I can't, and shouldn't, haul your baggage around for you just as you shouldn't for me. But I am willing, like one of my three's did, to help you - not pack it up but rather unpack it. When it comes to the kind of baggage we are hauling around with us everyday we don't need any help packing that up thankyouverymuch, but am I right when I point out that when it comes to unpacking we could use a hand, well actually a heart, to help us?

Click here for "Part Two"

Go ahead, prove me wrong.

I have a character flaw. I know you are shocked but alas, I do. I default to defensiveness. I immediately jump to the defensive when I feel attacked on - well anything. I don't think I'm the only one with this flaw, I see it all around me every day. We all feel the need to defend ourselves - our work ethic, our choices, our beliefs, our theories, you name it we jump to a defense of it.  Have you ever watched someone get defensive over something?  It can be pretty ugly. The behavior that surfaces as a defense mechanism can be akin to the Hulk transforming from flesh to green. Guess what? You look like that too when you get defensive. Just sayin'. *wink*

The other day someone got defensive with me and instead of looking like the Hulk they looked like a dog marking its territory. I am not exaggerating. They did the equivalent of going around and peeing on things and people in an attempt to make a point. When I didn't respond then they turned into the Hulk.  I found it all to be rather exasperating and funny. But it got me to thinking about this default of defensiveness that so many of us seem afflicted with.  If we are so convinced that we are the right ones then why are we turning green and peeing on things?

Here's a profound idea: allow yourself to be proved wrong. Yep, you read that right. Open yourself up to be proved wrong on the theory, opinion, etc that you hold. Quit spending so much time trying to defend your position. If you are right then it can defend itself. So let others prove you wrong. And IF they can here's the next profound idea: allow yourself to concede and be open to a mind change. Yep, you read that right. Open yourself up to changing your mind, opinions, beliefs, theories, etc. I know, I know. It's a crazy idea but it just may be the best thing we can do for ourselves.

The fact is this: we are not right about every single thing we believe, feel, etc. We do not always behave rightly, we do not always speak rightly, we do not always treat others rightly. Why are we so hell bound (and I do believe certain forces of hell have something to do with this character flaw) on defending something that deep down we know to be wrong?  Is our need to "save face" so great that we are willing to defend even the things we know are wrong? Apparently so.

Listen, I'm speaking to myself first and foremost. Remember my confession above?  I know my flaws and I've worked hard at making sure I am mindful about the automatic default they lead me to. I have to keep myself in check more often than not. I have some other people in my life who also serve as a check. Sometimes they catch me defaulting before I can catch myself. In mid-transformation from flesh to green they jump in and keep me from going all the way.

Next time someone says or does something that makes you feel like lifting a leg to mark your territory or you feel the flesh changing to green stop. Take a deep breath, put your leg down, let your heartbeat come back to normal and be confident in the thing you feel is being attacked. Let the other person do the hard work of arguing a position and IF they are able to make you reconsider your own position that's okay. It's okay to change our minds. It's also okay to have different positions, beliefs, opinions and be friends. It is good for us to be challenged and to challenge and we don't need to pee on things or turn green to do it.

3:12:72 (A Friendship Formula)

Over the past decade or so I've been trying to live out my friendships according to a formula that was modeled for me, and you, many years ago.  I call it 3:12:72.  It's a formula that helps me keep relationships and people in proper perspective.

3:12:72 was first modeled for me, and you, waaaaaaay back in the day of Jesus. Yep, I had to bring him into this.  But I want, and need, to give credit where credit is due so he's part of this.  Jesus had his three, his twelve, and then his seventy-two.  The 72 might be a few more or a few less, no biggie. I don't want to get tangled up in details that don't actually matter. *grin*

The 72 came and went and most likely included people who were part of the parables Jesus used to teach others.  These were people who liked Jesus, they were intrigued and moved by his teachings, they felt a pull toward his radical ideas.  But they were also people who had families and businesses and communities that thought they might be a wee bit strange.  So these people came and went. Sometimes they traveled with Jesus for a few days, maybe even a week, but then the pull of life took them back to their homes.  I do think that each time they were pulled toward Jesus and then pushed back home they took Jesus and his radical ideas back into their communities where discussions and ponderings continued about this man tromping around saying and doing some pretty crazy things.

The twelve: Peter, James (son of Zebedee), John, Andrew, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, Matthew, James, Simon the Zealot, Thaddaeus-Judas, Judas Iscariot.  Out of the *72* the twelve were picked by Jesus.  He specifically called them by name and they went. They were compelled in a deeper way than the group they came out of to trust this crazy guy just a bit more. Their families understood, their businesses kept running from the help of others, their communities maybe even were a little impressed that they were called by the crazy, yet super cool, dude stirring up the pot with the Pharisees.  They thought a little more about the things they were hearing and seeing. They asked questions and wrestled while traveling with this man.  They weren't willing to go back to what life had been without Jesus in it.

And then there were the three: Peter, James (son of Zebedee), and John. The three who were also part of the 12.  Yes, Jesus was God but Jesus was also man.  And as all wo/men know, we click with some more than we click with others. And it's okay, it really is.  So these three Jesus clicked with a little more and in different ways than the other 9.  And it really was okay. These three got *it*.  They had a potential in them that Jesus knew he could trust. They might have done or said stupid things from time to time but they got Jesus. Peter, I always feel the closest to him, summed up this deeper devotion to Jesus well when this conversation happened:
When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”
“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”
Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”
And then this conversation later on:
On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”
Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit[a] and life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Jesus had his three, his twelve, and his *seventy-two*. How he interacted with the people who fell into those groups serves as a model for us and our relationships today. There were appropriate levels of intimacy, interaction, and expectations as he spent time with a "3", a "12", or a "72".

Interacting with a "72" meant that expectations were lower because of things like uncertainty about this guy and all of his radical ideas, or because they didn't spend the kind of 24/7 time with Jesus to see him in all kinds of circumstances, or because there was a trust between them and him that only reached so far.  And that was okay. It meant Jesus reserved the harder teachings for the 12, it meant that he wasn't going to reveal the Kingdom of God in its total reality to others outside of the 12, and he wasn't going to call the 72 by name and ask them to drop their nets and follow him on land.  It was all okay.  Each "72" he interacted with never felt slighted or like Jesus reserved himself from them. He still made the interaction personal, warm, unique but with boundaries.  And boundaries are okay.

We got to see the interactions with the twelve.  We have been able to witness how Jesus opened himself up to them and shared deep and hard things with love. He led them, he loved them, he did what he could to draw out their potential, he placed trust in them when others questioned it, he broke bread with them, he walked with them, he lived out a fulfillment of the Law for them.  And yet, even with these precious men he drew boundaries. He would go off to pray, sometimes none were invited and other times only three were invited. With the nine he gave important tasks and spoke about important things but sometimes the three got a little more.  He didn't have expectations of complete loyalty to him from the 12.  He knew, without them knowing at times, that some would struggle and did struggle with him and what he was saying and doing.  And yet he loved them and lived life with them and kept his expectations of them realistic with the help of boundaries. And boundaries are okay.

Then there were three. These three got to witness some pretty spectacular things with Jesus. They got invited on special hikes, sacred garden spots, and tasked with being proxy children. They weren't perfect but Jesus knew he could trust them 100%, he knew stuff about them they didn't know about themselves. He built his kingdom on them. He told them far more than he told anyone else because he knew they would keep it to themselves until the time was right. They might have messed up from time to time but he knew they loved him. His expectations of them were a bit higher because he knew they would live up to them even if they didn't know it yet.  He could look at any of the three and they could understand what he wasn't saying. The other nine couldn't read him that well.  It's okay, Jesus didn't want or need everyone to read him that well. And even with these three he had boundaries but they were different and less reserved.  And boundaries are okay.

*You* are a pretty smart person, I'm guessing *you* have figured out the model by now.  Our relationships fall into the 3:12:72 and we are someone's 3, 12, or 72.

In my relationships with people they always start off as a "72".  Some stay there and others move closer to the 12 kind of relationship.  Very few are in my 3 zone. And that's how it should be. The 3 zone shouldn't be crowded.  A three in my life is someone who has loved me despite me. Who has lived through my ugly and painful times with me and still I have somehow managed to keep them as a friend.  As the book of Ecclesiastes points out, there is a season for everything. And that extends to even the 3:12:72 formula.  Some people in my life have gone from being a 3 to bypassing 72 never to be seen or heard from again. You know what?  That's okay. It's okay that there are seasons of relationship and that every now and then people in my life shift and I have to readjust expectations and interactions.  I have to do it with people and they have to do it with me.  Sometimes we are aware and other times it happens without awareness.  The older I get the more I understand that it's okay. It's okay to be in and out of season with people, it's okay to have boundaries and stick to them, it's okay to reevaluate someone and adjust accordingly.  It's really okay, and actually it's really the most healthy.

I didn't realize at first that I was modeling this formula for relationships, it just happened.  But once I realized what I was doing and why, I understood the relief I had been feeling. I understood why it had become easier for me to be in relationship with more difficult people.  I was able to approach people and even situations with a clear perspective on expectations of that person and myself in regard to that person because of who they were in my life; a "72" I don't expect a whole lot from, I keep that relationship to the basics with maybe a more personal tidbit thrown in here or there. But I always attempt to interact with that person in a way that doesn't make them feel like they are "just a 72."  A "12" I still attempt to keep fairly low expectations of but I have noticed that I can trust them with the personal parts of me a bit more. So I share a little more deeply.  And a "3"?  Well they know the good, the bad, the ugly and still seem to like me!  It always awes me a bit.  I'm one of the most unlikeable people I know. But my three's seem to be blinded to that. I am grateful.  Everyone needs some three's.  Everyone needs some of all the 3:12:72 because I have experienced that having some of all provides us with balance and perspective. And we all could use a little more of that, couldn't we?

The Last Word

It's been a year, so far, of lessons in "the last word." I believe we all have the desire to have the last word in a matter that offends who we think we are or a belief we hold. Some of us give in to the desire and others of us step back from it. Have you stepped back from having the last word? It's hard isn't it? Somehow the lie has been planted that if we don't have the last word then we have lost the debate and the other person has won. Was this lie planted because of the insecurity of the flesh? Or because of the competitive nature of humans? Well regardless, the need to have the last word creates ugly behavior, hurtful words, and resentful hearts.

In the spring I got into a rather heated argument with someone. It takes a lot for me to yell at someone and I yelled. I did, however, stop short of saying things I would regret for days, weeks, and months to come.  But I did yell at someone. That wasn't okay and I did apologize for it later without using the "however" that I really wanted to.  After we resolved the disagreement as much as we could I got an email from this person.  I call this email "the last word." They couldn't handle not getting in the last word. So I let them. I read the email and the attachment of last words in bolded red and took a deep breath and then dragged it into a folder and went about my day. I gave the person the satisfaction of having the last word because it clearly was very important to them and their ego (other people were copied on the email as well so that it could be noted that this person was important and putting me in my place).  There are two main reasons I let the last word be theirs and not mine. One reason because I didn't want to give this person any more power or sway over my emotions and state of mind. They had already pushed me to yell, that was enough.  Secondly I felt like my silence might speak louder, eventually, than anything else I could say (and believe me, there was plenty more I could have said). I wasn't insecure, uncertain, or regretful of anything I had said and the views I was offering. I was confident that I had valid points that were worth considering.  Thema Davis said, "Have the maturity to know that sometimes silence is more powerful than having the last word." Having the last word usually ends up making us look weak, insecure, immature, and slightly ridiculous. Believe me, the bolded red statements said a lot about this person and their ego/pride. I'm pretty sure my silence said something about mine as well.

Then another opportunity to practice this lesson popped up rather unexpectedly. A disagreement from a few years ago resurrected, but only very briefly. I was asked a question. I gave a careful reply. The response was a warm-up to the last word. I replied only to the things I believed necessitated a response and ignored other parts all together. The response back was "the last word." It was saturated in toxic emotional waste. It smelled of pride. Self-righteousness was the soundtrack. I did respond back with a brief statement that clearly we disagreed and that was okay and I would no longer be in communication about the topic. So did I have the last word or did the other person? They had the last word because their communication was typical of the motives and intents behind last word conversations. Out of respect I choose not to address, again, any of the issues or answer any questions or concede and politely end the interaction. Again, I was confident in my observations and opinions - I felt no need to attempt to justify them or to defend them.  That confidence meant I was empowered to step back from the last word temptation and I didn't get caught up in an emotional tangle. Word choices and examples from the other person indicated that they were tripped up in an emotional tangle that included insecurity.

I've been tripped up in the last word before and I never feel good about it afterward. Having the last word never gives me any satisfaction, the sense of victory, or empowerment. In fact having the last word usually means that I spend the next few days stewing and thinking of more last words to say and different rebuttals for imaginary arguments. So really, having the last word drives me a little bit insane. But when I step back from having the last word then I step into freedom. I don't dwell on the conflict, I don't give much thought at all to the situation. In short, I move on.


Are you one who needs to have the last word? Have you ever considered why that is? 
Are one who steps back from the temptation to get in the last word? What are your reasons why you don't and won't engage?

Between Memory and Reality

Between memory and reality there are awkward discrepancies... (Eileen Chang)

Someone I know shares a reality with me from years ago. But our individual memories of that reality differ so greatly that it caused some rather awkward discrepancies between us when it came to a point of reconciling our shared reality.  It is fascinating what time, denial, and other life experiences do to alter memories of a reality.

So how does one know what the reality is?  It will be word against word, perspective against perspective, not to mention any blame shifting or denial due to guilt over behavior etc.  That can be frustrating and hurtful.  It seems to me that in relationships, whether that is mine or others I have witnessed, where this discrepancy between memory and reality has happened the people involved generally fall into denial or inability to completely walk away and truly move forward in life.  There is either lingering history or an intentional ignorance.  

My shared reality is with my first love. Damn those first loves, they break your heart every time. Oh sure, you may end up with your first love, I know some who do, but the heart is always broken by the first love regardless.  Some can recover, most don't.  The interesting thing about our memories is we can create them and over time convince ourselves that the created memory is truth.  Sometimes, maybe most of the time, there is no way to prove truth.

So what to do when your memories of a shared reality clash with the other person?  The struggle is real. In our human, flesh nature we have a need to be right, to be the victor in truth and when you know you possess more truth than the other person it is difficult to let that go, it is hard to let go of the need to be right.  But you have to weigh out the costs of being right, reconciling the relationship, and having the maturity to just be able to leave it behind and move forward. I find that unless the person in denial is willing to take their head out of the proverbial sand then the other person needs to decide what kind of compromise they will be comfortable with.  

I had to decide what I was comfortable with so that I would be able to move forward, not allow personal responsibility to be shirked, and reconciliation at some level could happen.  The one I shared reality with had been out of my life for 18 years, I had actually come to closure on my own without any sort of reconciliation.  Then there this person was, back in my life with no notice or premonition. Once I got over that shock I really struggled with the flood of the past washing over me, the memories and the reality that carried, in the end, more pain than anything else for me.  The created reality of my first love gave him mostly nothing but, according to him, good memories.  I wish that I could have found some way to forget or deny the bad stuff. But we ended bad and had been bad for quite some time prior to ending so in my heart all that bad buried the good that we had at the beginning.  So here I was, 18 years later, going through all those crappy emotions, grief, and regrets again.  REALLY? I was fed up and annoyed that I had to do this again and it seemed to affect nobody but me.  The hub didn't totally get it even though he knows and even lived part of the actual reality alongside of me. Every song and movie about heartbreak seemed to be about this first love I had...18 years later! Ridiculous. I had already done my closure, why did I have to do it again?  I was pissed off at him all over again, as if it had just happened yesterday.  I was mourning the loss of the friendship we had before dating all over again, as if it were just the other day.  I was regretting ever dating him and risking that much of myself all over again, as if we were still in the bad-at-the-end stage.  It sucked. It took me a good 2-3 months to work through all those emotions again and find closure again.  

In the middle of this time he and I found our mutual closure. Over email of all things.  We tried to do it in person but I ended up wimping out and lying to him. He knew I was lying but let me pretend anyway.  A month later I emailed him and confessed that I had lied to him when we tried to have a conversation in person.  He forgave me and we said what we both needed to say for mutual closure to happen and to move forward. 

I'm purposely choosing to replace the bad memories with good ones, most of them are in our friendship only days and the very early dating days. I get to a certain point in our love relationship and I have to block out everything from that point on, it is filled with too much pain and too many regrets. But at least we have some good memories to lean on and for a time those memories were our shared reality, and I'm grateful for at least those.  

Do you have a shared reality with someone but each of you have very different memories of that shared time? Have the discrepancies hindered your relationship with that person or with others? What choices do you have to purposely make so that your shared reality doesn't become an obstacle to you in the present?  

Yep, I'm a hoarder. Are you?

Ever watch an episode of Hoarders?  It is fascinating.  Usually after an episode I am ancy, looking around my house wondering what I can get rid of or what can I clean. Watching it certainly prompts introspection on my part.

I know, for me, part of what is fascinating about Hoarders is the psychology behind it. The attempts to bury and hide deep wounds, hurts, betrayals, and insecurities.  The attempt to cover up the dysfunction of self and other relationships.  The distortion of something that at first seemed good on the surface.

I've been thinking about hoarding recently in ways that aren't often talked about or viewed as hoarding. Such as this trend of Extreme Couponing.  Have you heard about it?  Women, mostly, go coupon crazy and basically stockpile food, household items, and hygiene products and get them for cheap because of their "savvy" use of coupons and store deals and rebates.  Here's a sample of what this stockpile ends up looking like in homes:

Um. Basically that is organized hoarding.

Here's a picture of unorganized hoarding:

For some reason when someone can organize their hoard and they have, in theory, saved a lot of money acquiring their hoard we call it a good thing or a frugal thing.  But when their hoard is in disarray and they live in squalor then we call it a bad thing.  But they are the SAME thing.  Both kinds of people are hoarding.  In fact, I may go so far as to say the "extreme couponing" people are the worst offenders in this. Why would I say that?  Because the coupon clippers don't see their hoarding as a problem, they mask it with frugality, saving money, etc.  Regular hoarders at least recognize on some level that there is a problem.  Both kinds of hoarding are a kind of greed, a type of insecurity, an obsession that interferes with relationships and emotional/mental health.  

But I'm not stopping there.  That was just the introduction to the kind of hoarding that I have really been thinking about!  But if anything in that introduction made you pause and think then I'm glad. Stockpiling through sales and extreme couponing isn't as frugal as you may be led to believe, it breeds a greed.

I was thinking about the issues I have spent the last decade working through. For a long time I hung on to my people pleasing ways, to my attempts at perfectionism, to my need to be needed. You might say I hoarded those unhealthy mindsets and behaviors.  Hoarding those things led to an accumulation of unforgiveness for people who had hurt me, an unwillingness to be vulnerable, I built walls around me so that nobody could see I wasn't perfect (don't even go there, yes I know that was obvious even with the walls!), I allowed my heart to be cluttered with lies like I wasn't worth it, I was useless, I had no value, I was too much and not enough all at once, I collected shame from mistakes I had made and let them pile up.  The hoard grew and grew and as more lies piled on top of each other things began to rot in my life.  I emitted a stench from my heart, and therefore life, all of my clutter and accumulation of unhealthy mindsets and behaviors kept people at more than arm's length and fostered relationships in which people saw opportunities to take advantage of me.  People, I was a hot mess.

Hoarders are hot messes.  Sometimes they know it, sometimes they don't.  But the people around them, if anyone is left, always knows how much of a hot mess the hoarder is.  Yet oftentimes they are unable to get through to their hoarder.  It takes outside help.  On the show Hoarders they bring in an organizer, a psychologist, and a team of worker bees.  When I could no longer contain my hoard to the depths of myself I needed outside help.  To try and clean up the hoard on my own was going to be a disaster.  Insisting on doing by myself would have been pride at its best.  Pride only adds more clutter to the hoard.  It takes humility to invite someone else into the hoard, pride keeps us from issuing the invitation.  

When the right people are invited into the hoard things become even more painful because as people come in and see the extent of the hoard and what kind of damage it has caused they want to get rid of things.  Easy for them, they aren't emotionally attached to the hoard!  And that's exactly why it becomes even more painful. The outside help has perspective the hoarder can't have.  It becomes a battle and can lead to tears, anger, and frustration.  The options are either give up and continue to live in the filth of the hoard or fight through the anger and frustration and clear out the hoard.

Hoarders want to go through everything to see what they feel comfortable getting rid of.  One of the reasons they are considered a hoarder is because they don't feel comfortable getting rid of anything! The thought of parting with the moldy, mildewed, damaged, broken, filthy object introduces a panic attack.  It makes no sense to anyone but them.  That's why outside help is critical.  Outside help can help the hoarder figure out the root of that panic and how to address it in healthier ways.

I can relate.

For example, when it came time for me to start clearing out the people pleasing in my life I had a lot of panic attacks.  "I can't say no to that person, what if they will hate me then? I can't have anyone hating me" or "I can't say no to that task, people will think I am lazy."  Or a bunch of other excuses for why I was allowing others to use me as their personal doormat.  Saying "no" was tough. Anticipating the disappointment and potential anger of the person I was "letting down" had me in a constant state of anxiety. It made no sense. I knew in my head that saying "no" was okay and healthy but my heart didn't agree.  I had to learn how to bridge the gap between my head and my heart and some days that 18 inches might as well have been 1000 miles. But the more I said "no" the more my heart began to connect to my head and the smaller that hoard pile named "people pleasing" became.

Once hoarded piles are removed and addressed there's all this space.  Wide open spaces that convey freedom, suddenly it feels like deep breaths can be taken, there's room for healthy things. And you wonder, why did I ever let it get *that* bad?  

A lot of hoarders start out by collecting something or purchasing something because "someday I'm going to work on that".  It's never an intentional act to create walls of stuff around them, spend money they don't have on things they don't need, hang on to trash, allow food to rot, etc. Nobody grows up and says, "I want to be a hoarder someday." All of it is to cover up their hearts, it's a way to distance themselves from whatever the hurt is. And we all do that. But some of us do that in ways that aren't as visible as the hoarder of a home.

I have unknowingly hoarded good things. By hoarding and abusing those things or people I twisted them from a good thing to a damaging thing in my life. I allowed my unhealthy mindsets to distort the good and turn it into bad.  We all do this, not one of us is exempt.  Maybe we haven't recognized it yet but we all do it with something or someone in our lives.

Are there any behaviors, mindsets, emotions, or situations that you have hoarded and you know that the stench of them is keeping people at arm's length?  That the filth of them might be interfering with your career?  Have you wondered why relationships are only skimming the surface of your life and not going deeper?  Hoard piles and walls don't allow for depth and ease of movement.

Dear Hoarder, I understand.  I really, really do.  Don't let pride fool you into thinking you can clear out the hoard on your own.  Invite someone into it. As embarrassing as it may feel, issue an invitation to someone and begin to clear out the hoard in your life so that you can live in freedom.

Are you a safe person? Am I?

I know two people who are both vegetarian/vegan.  One is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time. There are never any eye rolls about people around this one eating meat, there are no discourses about treatment of animals while meat is being eaten, there is no expectation from this one to be catered to for the choice.  This one is happy to bring one's own and provide it for others as a choice.  But like I said, this one is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time.  I never feel like a lesser person in this one's presence, this one doesn't act like one's better than anyone else for one's choice.  The other one is quiet about it verbally but loud about it in non-verbal ways.  I am always aware of the preference the other one has.  There are muttered comments under the breath, eye rolls, and a high expectation to be catered to.  The other one is not happy to bring other's own but rather unhappy about it and stingy with what other one may bring, reluctant to share with others.  I am never not aware of this other one's decision to be vegan, other one makes sure people know.  Again not through words but through behavior.  This other one makes others feel like they don't measure up to some standard and to be around this other one, especially when food is there also, is uncomfortable.  Who is the safe person out of the two?

What does a safe person "look" like?  Sound like?  Behave like?  It's really very simple when we don't over analyze it, over think it, and look at it logically.

A safe person has a "look" overall.  Sure, we all have moments where we are the unsafe person.  But a person who is considered unsafe overall is the opposite.  They have moments, very few, where they aren't unsafe.  There's a look that I believe accompanies both types.  Safe people have an open look to them. They make it feel comfortable to be approached.  Their facial expressions are ones of warmth, hospitality, openness, acceptance.  Unsafe people are closed off.  They have an invisible wall built around them that makes approaching them feel almost scary and definitely uncomfortable.  The facial expressions of an unsafe person consist of scowls, neutral or negative mouth, eyes closed off and sending a message that people aren't welcome.  A lot of times, in fact most of the time, we are not able to be honest or objective about ourselves. Which look do you think you convey the majority of the time?  Ask someone in your life who you can trust to be honest with you to tell you what they see.  If the two answers differ chances are good that the person you asked has the more accurate view of you.

Listen closely to a safe person talk.  Now listen to an unsafe person talk.  What are the differences in their speech, tone, even in the way they relate a story?  Unsafe people use negative language, passive aggressive phrases and language, their tone is unpleasant at best, and they generally speak in harsh ways even when the topic is a "safe" or pleasant one.  I know one person who speaks in harsh ways no matter what she is saying. She isn't a safe person (and for more reasons than her speech).  Safe people lean more towards positive language, use accepting and inviting phrases and language, they have an upbeat and pleasant tone, their harsh speech is rare.  How do you sound to other people?  Remember, you and I aren't objective about ourselves. We hear ourselves in our heads and in our heads we sound so wonderful, kind, and open.  Ask someone else how you sound the majority of the time.  We all have bad days and moments, we all will sound like an unsafe person from time to time, but if we sound like an unsafe person more often than not then the reality is we aren't safe to others.

To study a safe and unsafe person that are occupying the same room is fascinating.  I've had the opportunity to do so.  As open as the safe person is, the unsafe person is just as closed.  Here is what I observed.  The safe person is open with affection in the many ways one can show affection, they are upbeat and friendly, their body language says "welcome", they make eye contact with others, they acknowledge when someone is talking to them by replying or listening, they are interested in what others think, people feel comfortable around them.  Now we look at the unsafe person.  If there was a sign hanging off of them it would say "Closed."  Almost everything about them is closed off.  They are withdrawn, their body language is defensive and even passive aggressive with eye rolls and big sighs in response to something they don't agree with.  Eye contact is limited, they act as if people aren't talking to them and they ignore or snub others.  When they are in the room the atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable.  It affects everyone in very negative ways.  If they choose to reply to someone the answer is generally curt.  If someone recorded you in a room of people which person would you be?  The unsafe or safe one?  What is the reality of you?  We can't see ourselves in a true light, we have to invite others to tell us where we may be falling short.  Of course we think we are behaving well but the reality may be something very different.  So find out from someone else how you behave in a room.

Being safe or unsafe has nothing to do with personality characteristics such as being an introvert or extrovert, being quiet or loud.  My husband is very quiet but people always feel very comfortable approaching him.  He is a safe person, it has nothing to do with him being quiet.  But I know quiet people who are unsafe.  We tend to judge people based on their volume level.  The perception is loud people are obnoxious, unsafe, extroverts, etc and quiet people are docile, safe, introverts, etc.  I have observed loud people and quiet people and those snap judgments are way off base the majority of the time. I know loud people who are actually introverts and some of the safest people in my life.  And I know quiet people who are unsafe extroverts.  Be mindful of making assumptions about people based on their volume levels.

Where does being unsafe or safe come from?  Being unsafe can come from baggage from our past relationships, from our own sense of entitlement and expectations, from insecurities that were sown into us. Being safe can come from those same places but they are healed places.  Once we unpack our baggage and refuse to quit traveling around with it we begin to behave in safe ways.  When we realize we are not entitled to anything and the only expectation that is realistic is to have no expectations we will begin to behave in safe ways.  As we dig up the seeds of insecurity and replace them with seeds of truth we will begin to behave in safe ways.  Behaving in safe ways includes the "look" and sound of a safe person.

A safe person recognizes the unsafe place they have been rescued and healed from and live out of that transformation.  An unsafe person is trapped in a pit of their own making and allow the wounds from life to dictate their behavior.  Safe people know they need help unpacking baggage, digging up insecurities, letting go of entitlements and expectations and so they invite people to speak into their lives and help them.  Safe people don't allow their pride to keep them in bondage to toxic behaviors. Unsafe people gather their pride around them and claim they can heal themselves, they refuse the help of anyone else.  Instead of inviting people to speak into their lives they build a wall around themselves that is impenetrable.  If someone dares to scale the wall the unsafe person will shift the focus off of themselves and try to shift blame, attention, or focus on to a different person.

Nobody wants to look at themselves and say, "I am an unsafe person." But when we can be honest with ourselves and take that first step then we have already taken a step toward becoming a safe person.   Can a person be safe in some areas of their life and unsafe in others? Yes.  We are all in progress and because of our flesh the majority of us are unsafe until we allow the rescue to take place.  Once the rescue happens and the healing occurs we can move toward being a safe person in that area where rescue happened.  I have personally found that once I am moving forward in being a safe person in an area I needed rescue, a new place within me that I am unsafe is revealed and I have to allow the rescue to happen there as well.  I have also discovered that once a few rescues happen and I see the results I am much more willing to allow the unsafe places of myself to come to light so that I can be toxin free in this life.  I don't want to be a toxic person.  I'm pretty sure you don't either.

Are you a safe person?  Am I?



*For further self-reflection/examination on this topic I recommend this article.  

Fainthearted

Life takes courage doesn't it?  And the older I get the more I realize that pretty much every aspect of life takes courage.  I have to be brave in my marriage, bold in my parenting, confident in my relationships, and audacious in living out the mission I am called to.

But what about the days that you crack your eyes open and feel the weariness of life in your bones and you want to pull the covers over your head and escape into sleep once again?  What about those days? The fainthearted do just that, they roll over on their side and pull the sheet up and over themselves to keep the reality of life at bay.  The ones who aren't fainthearted but aren't entirely present will take a few minutes to rise and face the day but they will eventually get on their feet.  And the ones who have determined to not let weariness win will get up and face the day with spirit.  Here's the secret about the determined, even they have weariness of life in their bones.  But the determined are unflinching in their resolve to not let weariness win over courage.  They believe that somewhere deep within themselves their courage is a greater strength than the weakness of life's realities.

I'm feeling so fainthearted these days.  My life as a parent is really weighing down my heart.  We've hit a rough season.  I confess that I feel so weary in parenting right now that all I really want to do is pull the covers over my head.  I don't want to be present and I'm not feeling all that determined.  That's the confession of my flesh.  The Spirit in me gives me the courage I need to do and say the hard things.  My bones protest as I rise but I know I have to rise.  I have a responsibility, given to me by God, to raise these children to the very best of my ability and with his strength and wisdom.  I have a responsibility to make sure they are as healthy as possible not just physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well.  And sometimes that responsibility means the hub and I have to do and say some hard things.  Things that the redheads think are unfair but things we know in the long-run are ensuring health.  Things that they might not see as protection in the moment but we know are.

In my life the weariness of this task comes when the redheads forget that we are for them and not against them.  When they slander us to their friends and we find out.  When they make choices to lie about "little" things so then we can't trust they are telling the truth with the "bigger" stuff.  When they figure out ways to subtly manipulate us and we know it.  When they disrespect us, take advantage of us, and do it in such sly and silent ways that it is almost missed.  When they hurt our feelings because parents can get, and do get, their feelings hurt too.

When I held them as newborns this wasn't part of the plan.  :)  Oh, don't think I was living some fairy tale that my children would be the ones who wouldn't rebel or be angry or have problems.  But I had hope that it would be more of the minor stuff than the major stuff.  And it is, depending on your personal definition of minor and major.  But even the minor stuff can lead to weariness.  And I am weary with anxiety over them, with sadness that trust has been broken and now we must rebuild - which is so hard to do, with confusion as to where it turned around on us, with fear that I will lose my precious babies.  I am weary with the hurt feelings and with trying to remember it isn't personal even when it feels like it is.

At some point, as my Mama pointed out the other day, "this too shall pass".  And I know that in my head but travel about 18 inches down to my heart and I'm not so sure.  At some point I won't be as fainthearted over parenting and it will shift to another area of life.  Until recently it was marriage, now it isn't.  At various times it's been with relationships, and to love others as God does, and has asked me to, is downright hard sometimes and I can too easily become fainthearted in that mission.

There is help and relief for the weariness but I keep forgetting about it.  I forget that I don't have to shoulder the burden I feel in parenting, or marriage, or relationships.  I can transfer the burden to shoulders far more capable than mine.  But I forget it too often.  And when I do remember, I struggle with how to transfer the burden and not try to shoulder some of it still.  But when I can give the burden to someone who can carry it there rushes in this amazing peace and rest and I no longer feel the need to pull the covers over my head.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Put My yoke upon your shoulders—it might appear heavy at first, but it is perfectly fitted to your curves. Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. When you are yoked to Me, your weary souls will find rest. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

What has been weighing you down recently?  What tempts you to stay in bed with the covers pulled over your head these days?  Have you thought about transferring that burden to the more capable shoulders of the One who created you?  How could that change the way you feel or respond to the current cause of being fainthearted?

Make the Thought Count

It's not like it's a new thought or idea.  When Solomon states in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun he spoke truth.  There are no new thoughts, ideas, etc but there are expansions on what is already present.  There are new twists to the present idea or thought. There are different or even new applications.

I have read Philippians 1:3 countless times.  And countless is an understatement.  It is one of the most overused verses in the Bible.  So the temptation is to skim right by it in search of deeper truths.  But, for whatever reason, this day I skidded to a halt on this verse.

I thank my God every time I remember you.  

How many people do you think about each day?  On average?  The people you live with, the people you work with, and then who else?  Maybe a handful more?  And for the most part probably a different handful every day.  I want to zero in on that handful.  Chances are good that your interactions with those you live with communicate that you are thinking about them.  And for your co-workers?  Well that's a hit and miss I suppose but since you interact with them 5 days a week chances are decent that your communications with them indicate you have thought about them in some way as well (whether or not you are thankful is another story).  But it's that handful.  When they happen to run across your mind do you let them know?

Every so often I drink Lady Gray Tea.  It's not my most favorite but every so often I get a craving for it. And when I do drink it I think of one person every time without fail.  She and I are no longer friends.  I suppose we are still acquaintances, but we don't have daily communication and haven't seen each other in about 4 years.  But this tea makes me think of her.  It so happened that the day after I had skidded to a halt on Philippians 1:3 I made myself some Lady Gray tea.  And since it was so fresh in my mind I decided to act on thinking about her.  So I emailed her.  It was super short.  I simply let her know I thought of her because of the tea I was having and I hoped she was well.  That's it. No big conversations, no initiation of relationship, nothing but just letting her know she was thought of.  It doesn't matter what she thought of my out-of-the-blue email, I just knew that somehow it made a difference for me. Maybe it did for her too.

Certain things - smells, sounds, music, foods - are triggers for me.  I'm guessing they are for you too.  And usually when a memory is triggered a person is part of that memory. Sometimes they are still in my life, other times not.  With some people and the memories attached to them I don't feel so thankful.  Sometimes I remember that I have also questioned God, not thanked him, for allowing that person to be part of my life at some point.  Depending on how long ago the person was in my life I might still be questioning God today. *grin* Just being honest.  But I do try to insert some thankfulness in there as well. I try to be objective and mature about the reasons why that person was in my life, their role in my own personal growth, and my role in the relationship I had with them.  I search for the reasons why I can be thankful to God for them. And frankly, a lot of those reasons usually center on how not to behave in relationships, in how not to be in relationship to God, in how not to treat others.  So I can be thankful for them, not for the positives but for the negatives because they served as a lesson for me in how not to be.  So see?  I can still be thankful to God for them when they cross my mind, which they do from time to time.

So all this has me thinking, what would change in our relationships if we did the following based on Philippians 1:3?
*Thanked God for the person who just ran across our mind (even if we don't personally like them!) and pray for them (people it counts with God if this all happens in a space of 30 seconds - you don't have to spend hours on this and when praying for someone you don't have to know what's going on with them - trust that God knows because he does).
*If possible, and appropriate, let them know you have thought about them.  (Send a text, send a Facebook Inbox, send an email, dial their phone number and call them, drop a note by their workplace, knock on their door and give them a hug, you can see there are many ways to let people know they are being thought of.)

What could change in that person's life because of that?
What could change in our lives because of practicing that kind of contact?
What might change in relationships because of that small intentional reach out?

If you are like me then you think about someone at least once a day accompanied by the thought, "Oh I should fill in the blank them (call, text, etc)" and then the day continues and you get caught up in its flow and the thought occurs to you again about midnight when you need to be sleeping.  And then you just never follow through. The thought was there but never acted on.  And if you are like me perhaps you have shrugged your shoulders and said, "Oh well it's the thought that counts."  Um.  Not in this case actually.  In this kind of situation the thought doesn't count because nobody but you knows you had the thought! So make the thought count, share it with the person you had it about.  Take 30 seconds and communicate with them.  Make the thought count.   

I'm not good at making the thought count. There's my confession.  I just spent the last few minutes telling *you* to do it when I myself kinda stink at it.  But I promise I'm not being hypocritical, you want to know why?  Because I'm not saying I am great at this and because I use posts like these to be a reminder to me of how I want to live my life. So really this whole post is for me and if *you* get something out of it then great! Also, sometimes I stink at this because of the season of life I am in.  Sometimes my seasons wear me out and I'm just trying to get through the days.  And sometimes my seasons are dark and when they are one of the first things to taper off in my life is my communication with others. These aren't excuses, just realities. And you have your realities as well. But even in the midst of our realities let's try to reach out in small but potentially meaningful ways.

Let's make the thought count.  

Curves and Edges

Have you heard the song by John Legend called "All of me"? There is one line that makes me really pause and consider it's deeper meaning:

'Cause all of me

Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you

That line in the midst of the lines that surround it has me really thoughtful about relationships, specifically the marriage relationship.  I've got curves and edges and I'm not talking about my physical body. My moods have curves and edges, my behaviors have curves and edges, my feelings have curves and edges and my marriage is the one relationship where those curves and edges are probably the most seen and felt.  If my hub were honest (and he oftentimes is not when it comes to me which means I have to be more honest about myself than I prefer) he would say that in the past couple of years I've had more edges than curves.  I could give you a list of reasons and excuses and about 99% of them would be valid and make sense.  But that doesn't give me an excuse to live with my husband in edges and not curves. Some of the edges are my own fault, I need to own what I have contributed to.  And with the edges created by circumstances, conflicts, and misunderstandings I still don't have an excuse to be edgy with this man that I entered into covenant with so many years ago.

The amazing thing about my edges is that my hub chooses to love me in spite of them.  He treats edgy Beth the same way he treats curvy Beth.  Yet I remain edgy with him. I haven't allowed his curves to soften my edges.  Somehow in spite of my numerous edges and lack of curves, specifically with my hub, he is able to say that he loves my curves and all my edges. Clearly I have a lot more work to do in the true love department than he does.  

I've been pondering how to soften my edges and turn them into curves. I have a lot of work to do I think. Let me be a little more honest. I know, not think, I have a lot of work to do.  My Type A nature tends to despair when faced with work to do and I can't figure out how to get it done.  But in my 30's my Type A nature has been reined in during those moments by the truth of Philippians 1:6. I am a work in progress.  My hub married a work in progress and I married a work in progress when I said "I do" to him.  Then we had two redheads who are works in progress and none of us are complete yet.  The beautiful truth is that we are promised to not be left incomplete, the truth is that we will be finished according to the design of our Creator. Thank goodness! It's true that I can stall the work in progress when I won't allow my edges to be sanded down into curves.  But I've grown up enough to want the sanding to proceed.  I don't want to be edgy with my hub, I want to be curvy with him.  Grace is showing me the ways in which I need sanding, hope is showing me I can have more curves than edges, love is showing me that my hub's curves can soften my edges - if only I will allow it.

I don't know what John Legend's intended meaning for that line was but each time I hear it I am struck with the picture of my hub having to live with edgy Beth and not curvy Beth.  And while he loves me as is I am challenged to do the hard work of sanding so that my edges transform into curves and our marriage reflects the softer lines of covenant relationship. 

I really don't (I think) like you...wanna go to lunch?

"Be Kind; Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle."

(John Watson)*

We are all guilty of this flaw.  We all have at least one person in our life whom we'd like to see move to Yemen and we would never have to deal with or see again.  My guess you have more than one person.  I know I do.  "What's the flaw Beth?  We aren't all going to get along."  Well the flaw is this, we don't actually know the person.  We don't.  Oh we say we do, we think we do based on things they say or ways they behave, but we don't actually know them. 

Stick with me.  I've got an example from the past, mine specifically, that has come back around today as a result of a hard situation I had to witness.

The year was 2007.  (Ha, you totally thought it was going to be a really long time ago.)  I was prepping to head to Kenya.  I was dreading it but resolved to obedience.  (Wondering about all that?  Click here.)  What I didn't know was that my entire team was sort of dreading it as well...BECAUSE OF ME.  I don't remember speaking much at team meetings but apparently when I did it was all fear-filled and anxiety laden.  All they knew about me was what they heard me say and from the few things I said they all formed opinions about me and decided they "knew" me.  (Now you know where I'm headed with this lesson don't you?!)  Ever have that happen to you?  Now be honest, how many times a week, a month, do you do that to someone else?  Whose name immediately popped into your mind when you read my last sentence? We all have at least one person we have done this too. 

Before the trip I had a lunch meeting with a team member.  She's a strong personality and frankly scared me to death.  My plan was just to be as quiet as possible and just do whatever I could so we would get along.  (Don't even start with me, I'm sure that will be a blog in itself one day, sooner rather than later.)  I praise God for my friend's honesty.  She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Beth, I don't think we are going to get along.  I'm concerned that I'm going to run (bulldoze - ha!) right over you."  My jaw dropped.  She went on to explain why, telling me about the things I had said at team meetings causing her to half-dread taking this trip with me.  I was shocked.  I had no idea that my dread, etc was saturating every word that came out of my mouth and causing other team members to form an opinion about me and who I was. 

To my friend's credit she did two things that day that we all can and should learn from and put into practice immediately.  1)  She was honest with me about how she felt about me, the little she knew to that point.  2)  She asked me to share my story with her so she could gain better understanding. 

Fast-forward to present day. 

A few days ago I had someone, who has their own story, inappropriately discuss a person they didn't like with me.  (Btw, don't think I let the gossip just flow - I nipped it in the bud as quick as I possibly could.)  Now what's interesting about this person's vent to me was two things.  1)  Before they started venting they asked, in a roundabout way, if I liked the person.  I do.  I, in fact, love this person with philia love.  2)  After discovering that I do, indeed, like the person they still said horrible and mean things about the person to me!  Gutsy.  And awkward.  Suddenly I was placed in the position of having to defend my friend's character to this person who was bent on slandering it.  The fact of the matter is neither one of them like each other but one is incredibly vocal about their dislike while the other still treats this person with courtesy.  When I stated a truth about my friend the person venting corrected me based on their own perceptions and story that have nothing to do with the person they don't like and everything to do with themselves! 

Do you see what we DO? 

Because I've done it.  You have done it.  We have all done this.  Oh maybe we are better than going around and publicly slandering the person as the person in my story above has done but we've done it.  And in private or in public it is still wrong. 

WRONG. 

Wrong because we know what it is like to be vilified for perceptions about us that aren't true.  Wrong because if we say we are children of God then we are behaving poorly for royalty.  Wrong because we have conveniently forgotten that the very same grace that God has extended to us - oh so wretched that we each are - he also extends to the person we are slandering and he expects us to extend grace as well.  Wrong because we have dismissed the fact that the One who created us and calls us his also created that person and calls that person his. 

Every person has a story.  Sometimes we are able to conquer the story and create an ending for our benefit. Sometimes we don't know how to create a better ending so we are stuck.  Sometimes we have "writer's block" when it comes to our endings.  But we all have a story.  I like the fuller version of the quote of Watson's from the snippet I started this post with, "This man beside us also has a hard fight with an unfavouring world, with strong temptations, with doubts and fears, with wounds of the past which have skinned over, but which smart when they are touched. It is a fact, however surprising. And when this occurs to us we are moved to deal kindly with him, to bid him be of good cheer, to let him understand that we are also fighting a battle; we are bound not to irritate him, nor press hardly upon him nor help his lower self."  (John Watson, 1903)  Our stories may surprise others as much as I think they sometimes surprise us!

So I have an idea.  What if we decided to have lunch with the person we think we don't like?  Can you imagine?  What if we even paid for the lunch or brought them lunch?  What if we asked them questions and tried to get to know them, and their story, to gain understanding of why they behave and/or speak the way they do?  What if?

The story we hear doesn't serve as a justification for bad behavior from that person but it might help us have a little more understanding with them, extend Grace so that God can have a way to work in their life, and give them a chance to be exposed to healthier choices for their emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being.  
We don't have to be best friends with this person who rubs us the wrong way but God does ask us to extend courtesy and sometimes that's easier when we know a little of their story.

Who has come to the forefront of your mind?  Consider asking them to lunch!  Go ahead, take the chance and let God have his way.  

Oh, the friend who was afraid she would bulldoze me?  Yep.  This is her and I, besties.  

God used that lunch and our honesty with each other to knit our hearts together in a way that amazes us.  

It doesn't always happen this way but when it does it is oh so sweet. 

*Thought it was Plato who said it huh?  Click here for research on the author of this quote!

Yeast.

We are in the "middle"* of the Feast of Unleavened Bread and I've been thinking about yeast, or leaven.  To one who reads God's command to remove the leaven from your homes, communities, and bodies without surrounding context or understanding of God the command seems...strange, weird, odd, controlling, and whatever other kind of negative connotation you can, or want to, come up with.  But to the one who reads it within surrounding context and with an understanding of God the command makes sense and speaks of God's great love for us and of his desire to see us grow in relationship with him.

If you don't know what yeast is or does let me explain because it is at the heart of this particular command - more figuratively than literally but that comes later.  Yeast is what causes bread to rise, beer to have carbonation, turns fruit juice into wine, and other things.  It feeds off of simple sugars in the product being used and breaks down those sugars which in turn causes alcohol and carbon-dioxide to form the fermentation that causes things to rise and/or bubble up.  There's the most simple explanation.

So it seems yeast is getting a bad rap with God.  I mean, what did yeast do to offend God so much?  Ah.  It didn't.  It is simply serving as a vehicle for God to teach us a bigger lesson.  Just like we use various things as props for our object lessons so God is using yeast as his prop for his object lesson with us.  He's pretty creative that way.

We first see God's command to observe a time of unleavening in Exodus and Leviticus.  It is combined or is directly on the heels of God's command to observe Passover.  Coincidence?  Oh I think not, and neither should you.  For those who might be a little hazy in their history let me give you a quick refresher on the Passover.  God moved the Israelites out of Egypt in the course of one night, after many other things had happened, and he commanded them to go and go quickly.  They didn't have time for their bread to rise before baking it so they made it without yeast and got going.  Prior to this, the pass over was the Angel of Death that passed over each home in Egypt and those who didn't have the covering of lamb's blood on their door frame lost their first born to death.  The Angel passed over those who were covered by the blood of the lamb.  (Ever heard that phrase before?  Hmmmm.)  See, if the Israelites had waited on their bread to rise they might have changed their minds and decided that the knowns of Egypt - as hard as it was - was better than the unknowns of the desert they were going to trek into.  God knew their thinking patterns and their tendencies so he made sure they had a reason to get out quick and not experience any lag time.  Yeast would have given them the lag time.

So every year God has commanded his people to observe the Feast of Unleavened Bread as a reminder that when we allow yeast to sit and rise there's time for all sorts of "trouble".  It comes on the heels of Passover as a reminder that we are or can be passed over by being covered in the blood of the Lamb.  The blood of the Lamb covers the "trouble" yeast may provide.

It is true that every day we should be aware to the figurative yeast, or leaven, in our lives that is there.  It puffs us up in the areas of phoniness, falseness, feigned virtuousness, and prideful thoughts.  Figurative leaven also appears in our lives through impure activities like porn addictions or drug abuse.  It appears in our speech through gossip and judgments passed on others.  It rises in us through what we allow ourselves to be exposed to that serves as a trigger for other damaging behaviors.  The leaven in our lives is throughout and we should be aware of it daily and removing it daily.  We should but let's be real, we don't.

We get used to the leaven in our lives.  We grow comfortable with it, it has become second nature to a lot of us.  Because of that, it is harder to pinpoint it because we don't have "eyes to see and ears to hear" most days.  I believe that is why God asks us to purposefully stop using leaven in our physical lives for one week so that we can become attune, again, to the leaven that has invaded our spiritual lives and has been allowed to rise within us all sorts of displeasing and sinful things. It takes a little bit of work to abstain from leaven in the physical and a lot of work to remove it in the spiritual.  Like everything else worth developing it is a process and mistakes will be made. 

God allowed me to see the process, spiritually, firsthand during the Feast this past week through a physical example.  I had been super mindful of the leaven in food and had been doing good at abstaining.  I was thinking through my choices and paying close attention to any places of hidden leaven.  (Rice crackers?  Totally leaven free!)  Then on day 5 (actually day 6 since sundown had come and gone) I made a mistake.  Oh not willingly, not rebelliously, not in frustration over being deprived of leaven.  I just didn't think.  I sat down after a night of cooking with my cook group and we served up the pound cake and dug in.  Didn't even think about it.  In fact, when I was almost done with slice two (quit passing judgement) it occurred to me that pound cake has leaven in it and I had just consumed it without a second thought.  Oy.  Now, you may be reading this and yelling at the screen, "Beth!  So what?!  Who cares? God doesn't really and besides there's grace.  Sheesh you are taking this a little too far."  Guess what?  You are absolutely right on the middle point, "....there's grace."  Yep.  There sure is.  There is grace and I'm so grateful for it.  And does God care that I consumed leaven?  I'm going to go with yes and no.  He asks that we, his believers and followers, observe his appointed times and the Feast of Unleavened Bread is an appointed time. But he also knows we are going to stumble and that is where his grace covers.  We can, and do, unknowingly introduce leaven into our lives without even thinking about it and by the time we realize it usually we have consumed enough of it to make a difference.

Transfer that thought to sin, as yeast/leaven is symbolic of sin.  Sin enters our lives, whether it be knowingly or not, and by the time we realize it there's enough of it in our systems to make a difference.  Right?  Right.  In fact, Paul addresses this very topic with the church of Galatians, and therefore us.  "You know what they say, “Just a little yeast causes all the dough to rise,” so even the slightest detour from the truth will take you to a destination you do not desire." (5:9, The Voice)  Another version of the Bible, The Amplified Version, says it this way, "A little leaven (a slight inclination to error, or a few false teachers) leavens the whole lump [it perverts the whole conception of faith or misleads the whole church]."  Just the slightest amount of sin will cause a detour in our life.  First it puffs up in the heart and then makes its way to our words and actions.  That's called a detour my friends.  And it's so subtle at first, almost unnoticeable.  But the smallest amount causes a large amount of "puff".  And before we know it the sin has risen to the point of over spill.  (Has that ever happened to you when baking?  It has me, I've had bread rise over the top of the bowl and spill over - what a mess!)  When we over spill we then have a mess that needs to be cleaned up.  Unfortunately sometimes we choose to stay in our mess for a season, other times we clean it up right away.  The choice is yours.  But the longer you leave the mess there the more chances you have for the yeast (sin) in your life to expand.  A few years ago I tried making a new dinner roll recipe.  I got it all mixed and nothing happened.  They didn't rise in the time they were supposed to.  I threw up my hands in frustration and we left the house and had to go buy dinner rolls (which if you know me you know I was super bugged - I prefer from scratch!).  We were late so I had left the mixed dough in the pans and baking sheets I had placed it on and planned to dispose of it when we returned home later that day.  Imagine our surprise when 12 hours later, as we walked back through our door, we came home to risen dough all over the place!  It had finally risen during our 12 hour absence and we had bread coming out of our ears!  It was everywhere!  I didn't see it coming, I thought the yeast was inactive and the dough would just sit and I could just throw it away when we returned home.  That didn't happen.  And isn't sin just like that?  We knowingly, or not, introduce it into our lives and sometimes the yeast doesn't rise right away so we are deceived into thinking we "got away with it".  But then it rises and we have a mess to deal with.

Perhaps now you can see why God, in his creativity, chose to use yeast as his prop for sin in our lives.  It works so well as a visual.  Perhaps you can maybe even now see why he asks his people (of which we who are not born Jewish are because we have been grafted in) to observe a time of unleavening in the physical to show us the leaven in our spiritual lives.  It's because he desires us to be leaven free in our relationship with him.  Any leaven in our lives hinders our communication with him.  And he desires for us to be free of that so we can clearly hear his voice in our hearts and lives.  Have you found some leaven in your life?  Psalm 51 is a great way to walk through the removal process and get back into right relationship with God.  Being in relationship with others you can trust to hold you to high standards is advisable.  (King David had Nathan, which led him to his repentance over his sin and what Psalm 51 is recording)  Being willing to shed light on the leaven in your life to expose it and kill it off is advisable.  In James 5:16 we are told to confess our sins to another so that we may pray together and find healing.  Not to be condemned by others but to be prayed for and to be introducing to healing.  This is important in remaining as leaven free as possible. I don't know about you but I want to be leaven free in my relationship with God so that my life - its words and actions - glorify his name.

Maybe in the past (meaning right before you read this post, if you've made it down this far) you've thought the command of God's to observe the Feast of Unleavened Bread was a) just for Jewish people or b) weird or c) old fashioned/antiquated/outdated/not applicable.  If so, I get it.  I'm right there with you...or I was.  Now I've allowed myself to hear from God on such commands and I've allowed him to correct my thinking and perspective on such things and guess what happened when I allowed him to do that?  I got it!  I was able to clearly see what his intent and desire was, and is, in his commands that I was placing in a,b, and c!  And what is his intent and desire?  To have a relationship with him that honors who he is and what he has done in my life.  And what he has done is so much, so to observe his commands is the least I can do.


*Okay well when I started writing the blog we were in the middle, now we are done.  {sigh} #lifegotinthewaynotimetowrite