Between Memory and Reality

Between memory and reality there are awkward discrepancies... (Eileen Chang)

Someone I know shares a reality with me from years ago. But our individual memories of that reality differ so greatly that it caused some rather awkward discrepancies between us when it came to a point of reconciling our shared reality.  It is fascinating what time, denial, and other life experiences do to alter memories of a reality.

So how does one know what the reality is?  It will be word against word, perspective against perspective, not to mention any blame shifting or denial due to guilt over behavior etc.  That can be frustrating and hurtful.  It seems to me that in relationships, whether that is mine or others I have witnessed, where this discrepancy between memory and reality has happened the people involved generally fall into denial or inability to completely walk away and truly move forward in life.  There is either lingering history or an intentional ignorance.  

My shared reality is with my first love. Damn those first loves, they break your heart every time. Oh sure, you may end up with your first love, I know some who do, but the heart is always broken by the first love regardless.  Some can recover, most don't.  The interesting thing about our memories is we can create them and over time convince ourselves that the created memory is truth.  Sometimes, maybe most of the time, there is no way to prove truth.

So what to do when your memories of a shared reality clash with the other person?  The struggle is real. In our human, flesh nature we have a need to be right, to be the victor in truth and when you know you possess more truth than the other person it is difficult to let that go, it is hard to let go of the need to be right.  But you have to weigh out the costs of being right, reconciling the relationship, and having the maturity to just be able to leave it behind and move forward. I find that unless the person in denial is willing to take their head out of the proverbial sand then the other person needs to decide what kind of compromise they will be comfortable with.  

I had to decide what I was comfortable with so that I would be able to move forward, not allow personal responsibility to be shirked, and reconciliation at some level could happen.  The one I shared reality with had been out of my life for 18 years, I had actually come to closure on my own without any sort of reconciliation.  Then there this person was, back in my life with no notice or premonition. Once I got over that shock I really struggled with the flood of the past washing over me, the memories and the reality that carried, in the end, more pain than anything else for me.  The created reality of my first love gave him mostly nothing but, according to him, good memories.  I wish that I could have found some way to forget or deny the bad stuff. But we ended bad and had been bad for quite some time prior to ending so in my heart all that bad buried the good that we had at the beginning.  So here I was, 18 years later, going through all those crappy emotions, grief, and regrets again.  REALLY? I was fed up and annoyed that I had to do this again and it seemed to affect nobody but me.  The hub didn't totally get it even though he knows and even lived part of the actual reality alongside of me. Every song and movie about heartbreak seemed to be about this first love I had...18 years later! Ridiculous. I had already done my closure, why did I have to do it again?  I was pissed off at him all over again, as if it had just happened yesterday.  I was mourning the loss of the friendship we had before dating all over again, as if it were just the other day.  I was regretting ever dating him and risking that much of myself all over again, as if we were still in the bad-at-the-end stage.  It sucked. It took me a good 2-3 months to work through all those emotions again and find closure again.  

In the middle of this time he and I found our mutual closure. Over email of all things.  We tried to do it in person but I ended up wimping out and lying to him. He knew I was lying but let me pretend anyway.  A month later I emailed him and confessed that I had lied to him when we tried to have a conversation in person.  He forgave me and we said what we both needed to say for mutual closure to happen and to move forward. 

I'm purposely choosing to replace the bad memories with good ones, most of them are in our friendship only days and the very early dating days. I get to a certain point in our love relationship and I have to block out everything from that point on, it is filled with too much pain and too many regrets. But at least we have some good memories to lean on and for a time those memories were our shared reality, and I'm grateful for at least those.  

Do you have a shared reality with someone but each of you have very different memories of that shared time? Have the discrepancies hindered your relationship with that person or with others? What choices do you have to purposely make so that your shared reality doesn't become an obstacle to you in the present?  

The Okayest Mom

My Type A personality convinced me long ago that I needed to be "the best" at everything.  Being a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a mother, an employee.  Oh you can imagine the disappointment I had to walk through when those things started to show that I was not the best. At best I was the okayest in my certain circles and at worst not even the okayest.  It took me a decade to get over the disappointment and be okay with being okay!

Being a Mama has been one of the most disappointing realities to deal with. I am not the best and I was never going to be.  If only I had known the warning signs way back in the day I wouldn't have set myself up for so much disappointment.  When I would babysit all I wanted to do was read while the children entertained themselves.  Uh... yeah, see?  I was a crappy babysitter, that should have been my hint right there. But no, I had to go and ignore the signs and set myself up for further disillusionment. I had all these ideas and plans, as I think most Mama-to-be's do. Some were based off of what my own Mom did with my brothers and I, some based off of the trending thing to do at the time, some based off of my own high and unrealistic expectations.  I had never had the kind of energy that it took to accomplish being the best Mom ever but somehow I imagined the energy would just come once the baby was born. See how delusional I was?!

I was a better Mama when I didn't have to work outside of the home. Those early years I could give a little more but I was still more interested in reading a book than actually following through on any of the trends or any of the ideas I did have to educate my children, to play with them, etc.  Why didn't I see it still?  Not that the redheads and I didn't snuggle, giggle, play, and spend time together.  We did, they never once - even to this day - feel like I had left them to their own devices or hadn't given them enough love and attention.  I suppose my sedentary style of mommyhood was counteracted by their Daddy who would do all the active, outdoor, things with them.

The ironic thing is, then and now, how good I am with kids. I adore kids, my own and others. I somehow gathered up the energy to be the Awana Commander for a few years, I was the Children's Ministry Co-Director for years, I taught Sunday School for years.  I had kids climbing all over me. I hugged, I snuggled, I disciplined, I spent hours creating fun and interesting lessons for them. At playdates with friends I was swinging kids, mine and theirs, around. I would weekend babysit for friends (my poor husband). I just had to reconcile my preference for sedentary participation with the more popular active participation.

Working outside of the home took my status down a couple of notches.  My redheads claim it didn't but it did.  I know the truth. Energy levels were sucked away even more, time was shortened even more. The upkeep of a home, a marriage, parenting, relationships, personal interests, and much more lowered my ability to keep up with any expectations I had placed on myself or I thought others had of me.

Last year Mother's Day was approaching.  I was trolling Pinterest and saw the claim, "World's Okayest Mom" and I laughed out loud...literally.  That I could make claim to. I'm not the world's best mom, I'm not the best mom in the United States, I'm not the best mom in Colorado, I'm not the best mom in Colorado Springs, and I'm not sure I'm even the best mom to these redheads I've been gifted with. But I am okay. Ever since then I've been thinking about my role as an okay mom.  It was easier to accept once I saw the truth of it. No, it's okay - it really is. I don't need to be amazing or the best, but I do need to be okay. I've had some successes and some failures in this thing called motherhood. Some might say that I'm settling for okay and should be striving for best.  Newflash: I do strive for the best and I can pull out with an okay. So while I strive for best and hit okay I have learned to accept that and not beat myself up over some unrealistic ideal, over this false idea that if I don't do it exactly right or perfectly then I'm a total waste. Life guarantees that there will continue to be failures mixed in with the successes. I like to think of the failures as moments of humility so I don't get big headed about anything.  The past couple of years have been very challenging in this motherhood and parenting adventure. It's been the past couple years that I have seen my okay status very clearly.  I watch other people around me parenting and they are having successes, my successes are few and far between.  It sounds like my redheads might be terrors but they aren't.  They are far from it. But they have diverged from a lot of the investment I did put into them in the early years. But I see that I need to respect the choices they make (as long as they aren't harmful, disrespectful, or illegal).  They are individual and are finding their wings and ways. In Proverbs it says that if we train up our kids in the way they should go they will not depart from it.  So I'm hopeful that one day, for example, the redheads see that there are way better foods (in all ways) to eat than ramen.  I spent a lot of time in their growing up years trying to teach them that!  And that's just one example.  *wink*

A best Mom would never have to apologize to her kids because if you are the best then you are perfect. An okay Mom knows she's messed up and apologizes to her kids when she has, teaching them that adults aren't above misbehavior and taking personal responsibility should never end. I fall into the okay category once again.  I have no idea how many times in 17 years of Mommyhood I have had to apologize to my girls for my inappropriate behavior but it has been way more than a best Mom would ever have to do!

And somehow, through it all - the mistakes, the misbehavin', the giving in when I know I shouldn't, and so many other non-best things - these redheads think I'm a pretty good Mom.  Only I know the truth, I'm an okay mom and I'm more than okay with that.

Hello? Have you seen me under that full time life?

Throughout the years I have worked part time, full time - in the home, out of the home, half and half. Two years ago my hub broke the news to me that I needed to move from working part time out of the home to full time out of the home, in addition to the time already spent being a wife, a mom, and any other hat I was also wearing.  So I put my big girl panties on and got a full time job. I left a part time job I loved at an organization I love and co-workers I loved.  I also left any free time I had during daylight hours to grab a cup of coffee with friends, grocery shop, do some laundry, get dinner ready, exercise, have phone calls with friends in other states, the availability to run errands, etc.  This isn't about my hub, we are a team and in life you gotta do what you gotta do to pay the bills, feed the children and yourself, you know - things like that.  But full time was going to be a challenge in several ways, some I didn't anticipate.

About 6 months in to working full time someone asked Lanny how we were all doing with the transition.  His response, "The girls and I are doing fine, Beth? Not so much."  I wanted to protest but I couldn't.  He was right, they were handling it better than I was. I was exhausted. I spent the weekends trying to recover and do what I couldn't get done during the week. I hadn't realized how much I was still able to do when working part time.

Nothing has changed in two years. I'm still exhausted, stretched so thin some weeks that you can see right through me. My introvert nature has strengthened into an almost full time hermit status and I miss myself. Working full time means I am not the me I am. I have no margin in my full time life for the things that mean the most in and to my life.

A few days ago my friend linked an article to her Facebook page titled, "I Hate My Reality."  I didn't read the article right away but the first thought that went through my mind upon reading the title was "true 'dat."  I confess. I hate my reality.  I am no fan of my life or who I am, or rather am not, when I have to work full time outside of my home. But my reality is my reality so I have a choice.  I have a choice in how I respond to the reality I hate.

About six months ago I whined to my counselor, "When am I going to feel transitioned to this new full time, overtime life?"  She gently suggested that maybe what it is, is what it is.  I went home thinking about that.  If THIS life that I live currently is the transitioned one then I need to adjust my attitudes, expectations, and plans to accommodate this season of life.

It's not just the full time day job, it's the full time life that consists of being a spouse, a parent, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt, a friend.  I'm not complaining, I love all those roles but I'm finding myself lacking energy to be any of those well.  The parenting is about to do me in. The hub and I?  We are finally in a good place after a couple of rocky years but marriage still takes work no matter what.  I sat down across from my Mom the other day and all I had to do was look at her.  She said, "Oh Beth, I know. You'll get through this but I know."  I'm glad I didn't have to say much else, that she just knows and empathizes, I guess back in her season of life that included all this she told my Dad that she couldn't do it all, him and the kids (of which I am one).  He said, "Well we are a package deal so you are going to have to."  SIGH.  I now understand exactly what she was saying to him.  Those are just two roles.  The other roles that mean a lot to me and I don't have the energy to do well?  Not a week goes by that I am not filled with grief for what I have lost in this full time life. I used to be the glue, gladly, for people and things but now I'm like the tape from 1974 that is barely holding the picture in place in the album. It only sticks there because of time, not because it is still useful.

Don't think I don't know.  I do know. I promise.  I knew before anyone else did. Full time has me packing on the pounds and zero energy to do anything about it.  Oh, you weren't sure if I knew? Believe me, while I was still trying to deny it my clothes were telling me the truth. My massage therapist said something to me today that made perfect sense regarding life, my weight, and the need to be healthy.  She was being matter-of-fact but it was the light bulb I needed.  "Obtaining a healthy lifestyle and then maintaining one is like a part-time job."  I deeply sighed and muttered, while face down, "But I don't have the time or energy for another job." That's it.  That's the ground zero of this weight battle I am engaged in.  In my life it is another job. For some they just can go about their lives, eating whatever the hell they want, exercising or not, popping out babies and going back to skinny jeans.  That has never been true of me.  I remember the first time I was aware of what weight was.  I was five.  Since I was five I have battled with weight and it has won more than I have.  The effort it takes for me to be at a healthy weight and have some sort of fitness it literally like a part-time job that I can never quit.  When I try to quit it all comes back on and I lose all ground I had gained.  It sucks and I'm tired. I'm so tired of working that job with literal zero results that stick.  So lest you were hesitant to say something, look at me, or ask because you didn't think I knew, I know.

It sounds like I am whining and complaining but I'm really not. I'm acknowledging.  I'm acknowledging my reality and what I continue to try and come to grips with.  I do what I can to make sure me still shows up in this full time life but it leaves me wanting more time to do the things that mean the most to me.  The celebration and recognition of my 40th birthday was a way I was telling this full time life to go screw itself because I was going to be the real me for a few days.  I rode that high for weeks afterward, it felt so good to be fully myself for a few days.  In an effort to be honest about this reality I live and to try and keep me present in it, I decided that since I earn personal and vacation days (a very generous amount I might add) through my full time job that I would use them. I take mental and spiritual health days, I take vacation days that give me a break from my full time day job so I can focus on my full time life a little.  I use the time to do things around my house that I don't have the energy or time for during the weekends. I engage in self-care which actually includes getting some things in order around the house and then naps, of course!  And then there is the hub and redheads. People say to me, "Oh just make the redheads do the chores and the hub help out." The hub helps out, in fact he volunteered to take over the actual shopping of groceries if I get a specific list together.  Teamwork people!  The redheads? Well we continually try to get them on board with it, that's part of the parenting that is going to do me in. I even heard myself saying to them recently, "I did it all for the better part of 15 years, now I need some help." So I stand firm.  The dishes might be piled in the sink and around the sink and you might see me on a weeknight reading a book, ignoring those dirty dishes. A line has to be drawn and so I chose to draw it in hopes that the redheads will figure it out. (So if you've been wondering how I manage to read so many books a month now you know. I neglect my housekeeping!) I do little things that keep the me buried under a full time, indeed an overtime, life alive.  I tutor during the school year, I teach literacy to kids who are struggling.  It's 2 hours a week and on my way home from work.  I read. I blog as life allows. I meet up with friends for quick daytime lunches and happy hours after work. I get medical massages to help me because I hold stress in my neck, shoulders, and back.  I stay as available as I can for friends who need a hug, a shoulder, and an ear. I spend car time catching up with friends via What's App - that has become hugely important in the past year, it's been a lifeline. The friend might live 10 minutes away or across an ocean, it's been one of the greatest things I was introduced to.  I try to engage in things I believe in and want to bring awareness to. I make sure that I am not two different people, the Beth at work and the Beth at home.  I need to be the same person no matter where I'm at and who I am interacting with. I stay aware of my moods and if I'm grumpy I let my family know and I do my best to behave myself. (Because grumpiness isn't an excuse for misbehavin'.) I get hugs from my Mama every weekday morning that I can before I head into work. I donate blood every 8 weeks, it takes less than an hour of my time.  I convince my husband that spending some money to get me face time with family and friends is vital to my emotional health and I go on trips near and far alone to get time with people that fill my heart, and whose hearts I hopefully fill as well.  These small ways, and others, are how I am choosing to make an adjustment to this transitioned life I'm living.

Maybe you feel stretched too thin by a full time life as well.  And your full time might look, in fact most likely looks, drastically different than mine - that's okay.  This isn't a competition, we aren't here to compare and contrast our lives with one another.  Each of us has a capacity level that gets maxed out.  You might think mine is too low.  I might think yours is too low. It doesn't matter because we aren't in a competition to see who has the most harried life. We should be on the same team, cheering each other on.

Are you living a full time life that has you "hating your reality?"  It's okay, in fact it's healthy, to admit it if you do.  Remember, it's not the admission of it but the response to it that determines how it affects you and others.  What are some ways you have managed to keep the you that threatens to get buried under the full time life alive?  If you feel buried what is one thing you could do today to begin to dig out of the rubble?  

If you'll excuse me now.  I took a day off and a nap sounds great!  *wink*