It was a rather cold evening. The wind was blowing and the sky was dark. It was only 7 o'clock but it felt later. It had been a long day already and I felt like it was getting longer.
It wasn't just cold outside, my heart felt cold - iced over with pain and the beginning drops of anger. Lanny parked the car and we sat for a minute staring at the unusually packed Starbucks. Silently we exited the car, gripped hands, and made our way inside. A quick scan of the small but crowded place showed us the table we needed to head to and we made our way. A couple I knew was sitting just inside the door and I smiled tightly at them and hurried in the other direction. I wasn't up for small talk tonight.
We found our table and greeted one of two people we were meeting with. Knowing my love for coffee and Starbucks I was offered a drink. I turned it down. The thought of sipping coffee while engaged in a discussion that brought me pain made my stomach churn. It was a good decision. As we waited for the other person's arrival, sometimes engaging in stilted and awkward conversation but most often just sitting there looking at the crowded room, I shivered. Starbucks had the air conditioner still set for summer time temperatures and the night was cold. It fit the chill of the relationships represented at the table.
The other person finally arrived and squeezed in to our makeshift corner. It was probably good the place was crowded and noisy - not a lot of possibility for eavesdropping. We started conversing. Lanny went first, we had spent some time that afternoon praying together - asking God to show us what to say and how. I stayed quiet. Lanny finished and they began to speak. The conversation went back and forth - although I said little. I answered quickly and firmly. My shoulders were starting to ache from the cold of the room and the tension of our conversation.
I'd love to say at this point the conversation was the start of healing and the relationships started to mend. But that didn't happen. I have had few, if any other, conversations in a coffee house or anywhere else that ended as this one did. It ended with a realization that the relationship was unable to be fixed. I could easily be polite and civil with this person but the ease we once had with each other was finished. When something gets shattered it is no longer repairable, have you ever tried to glue shards of glass back together into the shape it once was? Impossible.
I've had coffee in that Starbucks many times since and God, in his grace, hasn't allowed me to dwell on that night. Here's where I will introduce the joy - yes JOY - of that night...
God's grace IS enough. That night led me into a deeper depression and an anger that I had to work through. My numb heart thawed and God showed me some deep truths and led me back to a place of healing and then beyond. God allowed that night to happen and even to this very day I am still gleaning lessons from that night and from the whole situation that night revolved around. That's grace and there's joy in that.
God's grace carried me when I could not take a step further on my own. A few months after the conversation at Starbucks God showed me his grace in another conversation, this time in an office. But by this time I was stronger and more settled in who I was in Christ and this time my answers were firm and clear and I spoke for myself and for what I knew God had shown me and done in me. Walking away from that meeting I was led into deeper grace.
The chilly Starbucks meeting taught me something - when there is a chill in the air, God's grace is enough to take the hurting heart into a place of healing and beyond.
Thank you Jesus for the warmth of your touch and the thaw of my numb heart.
