Welcome to the 40's

Last week I turned 40.  I celebrated!  There were no black balloons, no "over the hill" sentiments but there was lots of joy within me.  There was gratitude felt and celebrated. Turning 40 isn't cause for dread but rather cause for a party!

I've been waiting to turn 40 since I was about 35.  I think having an older husband makes me sometimes feel older than I really am and so I forget, often, my true age.  No joke.  I have to stop and think and do the math.

My 30's were hard, amazing, painful, beautiful, life changing.  I came out of the cocoon in my 30's as God took me through a metamorphosis of sorts.  I found my skin and I settled into it. I learned to stop apologizing for who I was and instead live life out of who I am.  I found my voice, I quit striving to please people, my worldview expanded about a billion times from where it was, I discovered God in ways I had never seen him before, I made changes to my expression of faith, I gained friends and I lost friends.  I gained weight and lost weight. My hair was short and then longer, I've been tan and my natural white.  And just in the past couple of years I came to accept certain facts about myself.  Things that aren't character flaws but things that are more preferences, likes/dislikes, things such as:

• I don't like the outdoors.  Now a lot of you know this, and mock me for it, BUT did you know (because I didn't) that I have never really liked the outdoors, even as a wee one. I always preferred playing indoors out of the sun and where there was no dirt and no bugs.  
• Sweating aggravates me.  And then the aggravation turns to anger.  I despise sweating.  This explains my disdain for humidity and extreme heat, or anything above 75, and my reluctance for exercise.  I know I need to exercise but the sweating really messes with my attitude and head. 
• This Type A chick has really bad time management/estimate skills. I'm horrible at estimating length of time for getting somewhere, finishing a task, preparing to leave the house at a particular time, pretty much anything that has to do with time and getting somewhere on time.  I hate it that I am so bad at it and I've tried a bunch of different things to reverse it or to get me more on time but alas the bad habit dies hard.  I haven't given up on trying to be more on time and more realistic with time management but it's slow going.  

Now some of you may read those few things and if you know me you probably just went, "Ah, so that is the explanation for *that*."  Hey, these are minor things, love me or leave me.  Ha! I used to apologize for not liking the outdoors, for example, but I haven't apologized for that in a long time.  It is what it is.  :)  

After I let go of the perfectionism that was holding me prisoner the rest of my 30's was spent learning to be okay with not being great at something, not being liked by everyone, making a mistake and owning up to it, and not stressing myself out to put forth a picture of who I thought people wanted me to be.  Some people were disappointed I broke out of the jail perfectionism, that's fine - they aren't people that are healthy to be in relationship with.  

After I quit striving to please everyone at the cost of my relationships with God and others the rest of my 30's was spent learning to be okay with someones disappointment when I didn't jump as high as they wanted me to, learning to stand up appropriately for myself and not allow people to throw me under the bus for the sake of their reputation, understanding the difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking (HUGE differences!) and learning to be a peacemaker, and learning that when I walk in fear of God things go much much much better for me and everyone else around me.  Some people were disappointed I broke out of perfectionism, that's fine - they aren't people that are healthy to be in relationship with.  

After my worldview was expanded in my early 30's I spent the rest of my 30's trying to learn more, engage more, promote awareness more, understand more.  It has been at a turtle's pace but I continue to learn, engage, and move forward on behalf of "the least of these."  I also have a better perspective on the universal similarities between any culture and the differences between them, my expanded worldview has given me a more balanced opinion about the "great" America.  Yes, I am thankful for the freedoms of living here but this nation is not 'da bomb diggity, we are hypocritical, destroyed by debt, entitled, rude, obnoxious, and a myriad of other negative adjectives.  I no longer wonder why other countries and nations hate us, I get it.  

The biggest change I think I went through was that of my expression of faith.  It caused a bit of chaos in my life.  But the choices I have made in regards to expression have deepened my faith and have driven me to a place with God I know I never would have arrived at sitting in a box on Sunday mornings.  The choices I have made regarding this way of expressing my faith have led to a freedom in Christ I had never experienced before...and I was born into the church nursery, I've been in church my whole life.  I've had a personal relationship with God since I was 4 or 5.  But there was always a sense of being held prisoner.  No longer, he set me free from that and has affirmed my decision regarding expression of faith many times.  Changing my expression of faith put to test the people pleasing I had dealt with, so that got refined a bit as well.  

What do my 30's have to do with turning 40?  My 30's were a set up.  I know they were.  God isn't done with this whole transformation he's been doing the past 10 years.  But I firmly believe that before I could go through anymore I had to go through what I did in my 30's and come out of it settled into my skin.  I've never felt so settled into myself.  It's quite liberating!  Oh sure, there are things I don't like about myself - my weight is probably the biggest (pun intended) thing I don't like about myself.  But I no longer let the things I don't like affect my sense of worth.  My size has nothing to do with my heart and who I am at the core.  I'm learning this slowly but surely. That doesn't mean I just give up on my physical health but it does mean I don't equate it to value and worth.  

How do I feel about turning 40?  FANTASTIC. I've been looking forward to forty for quite some time. I'm just wondering, however, when I'm going to feel like an actual adult?  :) 

The Soundtrack of my 30's

My very first 365 blog was songs.  Songs have always been a source of inspiration, affirmation, even challenge for me.  In my 30's there were many songs that were meaningful and became the soundtrack for that decade.  Here's a few of the featured songs for my 30's, they tell a story of my metamorphosis.

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

Who Am I by Casting Crowns

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

This Is My Now by Jordin Sparks

I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

In Me by Casting Crowns
This is a special video created by a friend from my first trip to Africa in 2007.  Click here to hear the song and see the video.

Hope Now by Addison Road

Desert Song by Brooke Fraser (with Hillsong)

Brave by Nichole Nordeman

I Am by Nichole Nordeman

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets

Make A Move by Royal Tailor

Wake Me Up by Avicii with Aloe Blacc

There were others but these featured are the ones that stick out.  If you listen to the lyrics and you know the stories of my transforming thirties then you'll get why these stick out.  :)

If you had a soundtrack of a time in your life what time would it be and what songs would it consist of?

(Btw, while we are on the subject of songs, soundtracks, and such let me confirm right now that yes.  Yes I do have a playlist created for my memorial service should I pass suddenly.)

Dear 30's Decade,

THANK YOU!  You were fabulous.  I am so in love with you, my 30's.  I am in awe of what happened in the shortest yet longest 10 years of my life.
You ushered me through the metamorphosis I needed to go through.  You were challenging, encouraging, transforming, refining, beautiful, painful, and simply fantastic.  I can't say enough about you, my 30's.  I appreciate your guidance and direction for the "new decade, new life" that God spoke to me.
I can't believe all that happened in my 30's.  I am in awe of the transformation God put me through.  It's a set up I know for my 40's but instead of dreading it, I am anticipating it.
So thank you 30's.  I will forever be grateful for you.

With love and gratitude,
Beth 

Drought Conditions

"Human kindness is overflowing and I think it's going to rain today." 

(Randy Newman)

Well, it's not raining today. In fact, it hasn't rained in days, weeks, months, perhaps years. People, we are in a drought.  And the conditions of this drought are not improving but getting worse.  Without kindness we are dried up.  And there is no human kindness that overflows any longer. Oh sure, we have small pockets from time to time and the brief spurts of massive human kindness but overall? Drought conditions. Dry as a desert riverbed.

Think I am exaggerating? Take a drive.  Yes, that's what I said.  Take a drive.  Get in your car and drive while the roads are fairly populated, maybe even during a rush hour.  Observe the behaviors of other drivers. Which do you see?  People giving each other space to switch lanes or people speeding up so the gaps are closed and there is no space to switch? People entering the interstate in merge fashion or racing with those already on the interstate for the spot "up front"? Drive into a parking lot. Which do you see?  People racing for the closest spot, cutting off others and driving in the wrong direction just to get the spot that is 5 feet closer to the door than the other open spot or people willing to let someone else have the closer-by-5-feet spot because it's just not that big of a deal?

Still not convinced?  Okay how about this.  Common courtesies like holding the door open for someone, smiling at people, helping someone cross the street who may be physically challenged or elderly, picking up something that the person in front of you dropped and returning it to them, and other simple things have stopped becoming courtesies and are considered "random acts of kindness."  Those should be things practiced, or lived out, every day!  They are courtesies not things that should be considered out of the ordinary and therefore random.

I believe that our drought conditions started when the common courtesies stopped being common and became random.  And with the decline of courtesy, human kindness dried up.  It became everyone for themselves and if there is a spare minute and if I feel like it I may help you out.  But not too much or else people will think they can take advantage of me.  Oh friends, human kindness has dried up.  Our drought conditions are manifested in lines at stores, traffic on the roads, office relationships, customer service instances, personal relationships, social media conversations. And then it snowballs and manifests in situations like the recent shooting in Ferguson, or any other of the tragic situations that happen way too often.

The only way to reverse the drought conditions is to saturate the dried up spirits we have and we see in others with purposeful kindness, with reinstating common courtesies that are common once again and not random.  Kindness lived is the rain that solves the drought condition of our souls.

Greedy for More

In the past year or so I have noticed something within my family, myself included.  When we are greedy for more we lose sight of being grateful for what we already have or received.

For example, my youngest redhead and one of her BFF's get the spend almost every Saturday together because we do home church together.  They are usually together a minimum of 5 hours.  One day a few months ago they had been together at least 7 hours and when we sounded the call for leaving in a few minutes they both went up in arms, begging and pleading for more time.  What ended up happening is they wasted the few minutes they had left with each other arguing with us parents about more time.  Not once did it occur to them to be grateful for the 7 hours they got.  They were simply greedy for more.  Or just yesterday my other daughter had to be picked up early from a youth leadership retreat that was important to her.  We had a commitment that couldn't be changed.  Instead of being grateful that she got to participate in it for almost 10 hours she was negotiating to stay the remainder of the time and cancel our prior commitment. She wasn't grateful at all, it seemed to us, for the chance to be at the retreat for the majority of the time.  She was greedy for more.  The hub and I get cranky and greedy for more also.  Usually his comes in the form of material things that he thinks he should be providing for his family, mine comes in time spent with the besties in my life, especially the ones who live out of state.  He and I are both learning to be grateful for what we have and not be greedy for more and we are trying to teach our redheads the same life lesson. Gratitude is a life lesson.

When we are greedy for more we are blinded to what is right in front of us. The greed for more time, more money, more fill in the blank keeps us from gratefulness for what we have been given. We live in a society where we are told bigger is better, more is valued over less, and a discontent for what we do have is bred through social media, commercials, and the comments of others. In fact, to prove this very point I ran across this timely blog post just this morning.  Hop over here for a minute and read this and then come back to me. 

See what I am saying?  See the battle we get introduced to through the innocent, "well meaning" comments of others?  Not to mention the commercials that encourage us to trade in and up for better.  But is bigger better when it means we are living above and beyond our means? Is more a desirable thing when we have no room to store more or we hoard the more?  

How have you seen your greed for more affect your Gratitude Attitude?  

What is something today that you can be grateful for and not attach to it a desire for more of it or an upgraded version of it? 

*This post was originally posted at The 365 Experiment. 

Fainthearted

Life takes courage doesn't it?  And the older I get the more I realize that pretty much every aspect of life takes courage.  I have to be brave in my marriage, bold in my parenting, confident in my relationships, and audacious in living out the mission I am called to.

But what about the days that you crack your eyes open and feel the weariness of life in your bones and you want to pull the covers over your head and escape into sleep once again?  What about those days? The fainthearted do just that, they roll over on their side and pull the sheet up and over themselves to keep the reality of life at bay.  The ones who aren't fainthearted but aren't entirely present will take a few minutes to rise and face the day but they will eventually get on their feet.  And the ones who have determined to not let weariness win will get up and face the day with spirit.  Here's the secret about the determined, even they have weariness of life in their bones.  But the determined are unflinching in their resolve to not let weariness win over courage.  They believe that somewhere deep within themselves their courage is a greater strength than the weakness of life's realities.

I'm feeling so fainthearted these days.  My life as a parent is really weighing down my heart.  We've hit a rough season.  I confess that I feel so weary in parenting right now that all I really want to do is pull the covers over my head.  I don't want to be present and I'm not feeling all that determined.  That's the confession of my flesh.  The Spirit in me gives me the courage I need to do and say the hard things.  My bones protest as I rise but I know I have to rise.  I have a responsibility, given to me by God, to raise these children to the very best of my ability and with his strength and wisdom.  I have a responsibility to make sure they are as healthy as possible not just physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well.  And sometimes that responsibility means the hub and I have to do and say some hard things.  Things that the redheads think are unfair but things we know in the long-run are ensuring health.  Things that they might not see as protection in the moment but we know are.

In my life the weariness of this task comes when the redheads forget that we are for them and not against them.  When they slander us to their friends and we find out.  When they make choices to lie about "little" things so then we can't trust they are telling the truth with the "bigger" stuff.  When they figure out ways to subtly manipulate us and we know it.  When they disrespect us, take advantage of us, and do it in such sly and silent ways that it is almost missed.  When they hurt our feelings because parents can get, and do get, their feelings hurt too.

When I held them as newborns this wasn't part of the plan.  :)  Oh, don't think I was living some fairy tale that my children would be the ones who wouldn't rebel or be angry or have problems.  But I had hope that it would be more of the minor stuff than the major stuff.  And it is, depending on your personal definition of minor and major.  But even the minor stuff can lead to weariness.  And I am weary with anxiety over them, with sadness that trust has been broken and now we must rebuild - which is so hard to do, with confusion as to where it turned around on us, with fear that I will lose my precious babies.  I am weary with the hurt feelings and with trying to remember it isn't personal even when it feels like it is.

At some point, as my Mama pointed out the other day, "this too shall pass".  And I know that in my head but travel about 18 inches down to my heart and I'm not so sure.  At some point I won't be as fainthearted over parenting and it will shift to another area of life.  Until recently it was marriage, now it isn't.  At various times it's been with relationships, and to love others as God does, and has asked me to, is downright hard sometimes and I can too easily become fainthearted in that mission.

There is help and relief for the weariness but I keep forgetting about it.  I forget that I don't have to shoulder the burden I feel in parenting, or marriage, or relationships.  I can transfer the burden to shoulders far more capable than mine.  But I forget it too often.  And when I do remember, I struggle with how to transfer the burden and not try to shoulder some of it still.  But when I can give the burden to someone who can carry it there rushes in this amazing peace and rest and I no longer feel the need to pull the covers over my head.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Put My yoke upon your shoulders—it might appear heavy at first, but it is perfectly fitted to your curves. Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. When you are yoked to Me, your weary souls will find rest. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

What has been weighing you down recently?  What tempts you to stay in bed with the covers pulled over your head these days?  Have you thought about transferring that burden to the more capable shoulders of the One who created you?  How could that change the way you feel or respond to the current cause of being fainthearted?

Vodka and Jesus

"What are you guys still doing up," asked my brother, arriving home from a Yankee's game he, Dad, and Brad went to.

"We are drinking vodka and talking about Jesus," was my sister-in-love's reply.

Let me explain how that came to be...

Earlier that afternoon we went to get mani/pedi's.  On the way home we ducked into the liquor store on the corner of First and 86th, heading back to the section we wanted. Before us was a wide variety of flavors. Birthday Cake, Cotton Candy, Chocolate Covered Strawberries, Pineapple Coconut, Root Beer Float, Blueberry, the one we wanted - Salted Caramel, and so many more.
We made the purchase and crossed the street to the apartment.  Stowing it in the freezer with a plan for later we went about our girls night with delicious vegan food and wine.  We laughed and talked and shared stories about my brother with my soon to be sister-in-love.  Mama and Adele left for their respective beds, Rebecca and I grabbed the bottle from the freezer, plopped a couple of ice cubes in two glasses, and poured a nightcap of Salted Caramel Vodka for ourselves.  We folded our legs under us, swirling our glasses, sipping, and chatting.  And Jesus somehow found his way into our conversation.

Jesus is a "forbidden" topic in my extended family.  Years ago, on the eve of Paul and Rebecca's wedding, my brother made a family rule that we all agreed to.  No politics, no religion.  Leave those off the table and out of discussion and we'll all get along just fine.  Can't mature adults discuss these topics and agree to disagree?  One would think so but we hadn't yet seen a successful practice of that in any of our circles.  With our diverse thoughts and opinions on those two hot button topics we figured it best to shelve them, permanently, during family times.  And it's worked rather well for us over the years.  There's been a divisive moment or two between siblings and sometimes we have broached politics with permission granted but generally we steer clear of those things, at least in large group conversations, and find plenty of other topics for discussion.

But my sister-in-love, Rebecca, and I can talk about Jesus openly and be okay, better than okay, with one another.  And so we have, over the years, discussed faith and religion, God and Jesus, spiritual matters. She's been privvy to some of the more private moments of my faith transformation in the past few years. She has confided in me her thoughts about raising children with a sense of spirituality and what that might look like among her own personal thoughts about God.

As we swirled and sipped our Salted Caramel vodka Jesus came up.  He had already made a briefer appearance earlier that day so it was natural to bring him back in to the conversation.  She asked me questions about my recent expressions of faith and for the first time with anyone other than my husband I answered the questions and was able to give a halfway intelligent reason for the why's .  We talked about expectations I may have of others and she knew I was honest when I said I had none, these were my convictions and I didn't want or feel the need to force them on anyone else, even my own children and husband.  She asked more questions, I gave answers best I could.  She shared with me some thoughts and ideas she had been mulling over recently.  We found common ground in each other's thoughts about faith, God, and Jesus.  We discovered, with Jesus between us and vodka in our glasses, that we are walking similar directions in matters of faith.  Our paths appear very different but the core of our journey is so similar it feels comfortable to one another.

Then Paul came home and the conversation wrapped up.  Glasses were drained, put away, the bed was pulled out for me and we all laid down for the night.  And I laid there thinking about Jesus and vodka and smiling over the road Rebecca and I walk together in matters of faith.  Maybe it was the vodka that warmed me that night but maybe it was the presence of Jesus in our conversation and relationship also.

How about you?  Do you have someone in your life that you can sip vodka with and discuss Jesus?  Maybe it's not vodka, maybe it's coffee, but do you have someone you can be open with?  Who feels safe to be honest with about confidences in faith and doubts in faith? 

Are you scandalized that Jesus participated in a conversation where alcohol was being consumed?  If so, why?  Does it disturb you that we have a family rule of no religion, or politics, talk?  If so, why?