Words Fail Me

I've lost something. Not my mind, although some days it feels like I am. It's my words. I've lost them and I can't find them. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of them and think they might be returning but then they disappear again. 

It's not the words about the weather and my favorite TV show that have been lost. Those are still present. It's the important words. The words that reveal who I am, what I'm thinking, my grief, my joy, my anger, even my indifference. 

Ask me how I am and you'll get an awkward moment of silence before I answer, "I'm fine." Except you and I both know I'm not being totally honest. Here's the thing - I'm not lying. I am fine. But words fail me to elaborate on the always lame "I'm fine" answer. Words fail me to answer in any other way than "I'm fine." I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I can't find any words beyond "I'm fine."  

I noticed this loss of words begin a few years ago. It started with a suppression I was experiencing at my then workplace. My voice - literally and figuratively - was increasingly being squashed and criticized.  In my personal life my voice was changing like one does in puberty - it was cracking and would raise and lower in pitch as I was settling into it. A couple of major events led me to speechlessness by March 2017. And I have yet to gain my speech back. 

Because I feel things - situations, injustices, conflicts - so deeply the words get buried underneath the feelings. There's so much I want to say about it all that I can't say anything at all. I can't find words to adequately express what I'm feeling and thinking and I find myself mute. The words I want to say these days are colored with anger, disgust, disbelief, confusion, judgement and to let loose those words colored with those emotions would be something I would regret. They would hurt people, alienate me from instead of endear me to others, they would not be the model of shalom I am committed to learning and practicing. 

One gift of my failed words is that of listening. Learning to listen is leading me down roads of understanding into people, cultures, faith expressions, genders, politics, and more. Listening has encouraged me to practice critical thinking. Listening has led me to be more like Jesus to people I interact with. 

So "I'm fine" until words return - words that will build up not tear down, words that will introduce life, words that convey the beauty of shalom, words that will be evidence toward the listening I have tried to do. Until then.

Ross Geller Tells Me What To Do

There's this later episode of Friends in which Chandler and Monica are getting married. (#sorrynotsorry for that spoiler alert - what do you mean you haven't watched Friends yet?!) Chandler has disappeared due to cold feet and Ross is trying to find him. When Ross finally finds Chandler he talks him off the ledge by getting him to do just one thing at a time with no thought for what comes after. He gets him to take a shower while not thinking about what comes later. Then he gets him to put clothes on while not thinking about what comes later. And so it goes until Chandler finds himself watching Monica walk down the aisle to meet and marry him. By then he's calmed down because he faced his fear one small step at a time, not all at once.

The other day I heard Ross tell me to just get out of bed, nothing more. See, I didn't want to. I physically was able but mentally and emotionally I was stuck in bed, unable to face the day. I thought about that episode and Ross encouraging Chandler to take those small steps so I got out of bed. I had an appointment that day and I felt very unwilling to go. I wanted to pick up the phone and cancel. But Ross told me to take a shower while not thinking about what comes later. And then he told me to put on clothes because I couldn't go around naked. So I did. And so it went until I found myself in the parking lot where the appointment was.

Call it coincidence, call it whatever you want but in my appointment - the one I was able to get to with the help of Ross - my doctor told me to take small steps and keep my eyes on the task in front of me, not the door I needed to walk out of an hour from then. Basically, she was telling me what Ross had just that morning.

This inability to even get out of bed isn't fear based for me, it's my continuing struggle with depression. It's when my eyes open for the first time each morning and my first thought is, "I.can't. I.just.can't." But then nature prompts me to get up. Literally. So I'm up, what now? Ross, and my doctor and my therapist (oh I didn't mention she also chimed in on this?), suggests I stay up and brush my teeth or shower, something that keeps me up for just a few more minutes. Those few minutes tumble on each other like a domino train that has been started and before I know it I am in my car and adulting. And the depression doesn't win that time because as I take each step and progress toward adulting for the day I discover that maybe, just maybe, I can. I can interact with people. I can stay out of my bed. For me the saying, "Keep my eye on the prize"  means each small step I take every day is a prize. My depression paralyzes me because I try to look at the whole day all at once, Ross tells me to do the next thing while not thinking about what comes later.

There's another episode of Friends where Phoebe thinks a cat is her mom reincarnated. But the friends find the cat's real owner and Ross is the only one saying Phoebe has to be told. The friends reluctantly agree and Rachel exclaims, "I hate it when Ross is right!" I imagine depression must say the same thing when I choose to listen to Ross over it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go - Ross just told me it's time to take another step toward winning over depression today.

Stirring the Pot

Recently I shared my tips on how to get fired from your job. I know. Usually the tips are centered around how to not get fired but I like to do a twist on things from time to time. *grin*

One of the reasons I was fired was because I was perceived to be a pot-stirrer. You've heard about those kinds of people before right? They are divisive, toxic, trouble makers, unhappy - and they make the people and organizations they are in and around unhealthy.

Or do they?

Certainly there are pot-stirrers that are divisive, toxic, trouble makers, and without a doubt unhappy. But not all pot-stirrers are. In fact, the kind of pot-stirrers I'm talking about and was accused of being are a necessary component to the health of an organization and personal growth. So let's talk about that.

Before I got fired and during the time that the weak leadership at my organization was "building their case" against me I found myself stirring a pot one evening as I was assembling dinner. The directions on the recipe I was following said, "Stir constantly to avoid burning." Good advice. If I didn't get the ingredients moving around they were going to stick to the bottom of the pot, char, and become inedible. I had to keep stirring the pot to keep things moving along and so that all the ingredients could blend together to make the dish I wanted.

One could say, "Beth. C'mon. Stirring the pot for cooking and being a pot-stirrer in life are two very different things."

But are they?

When people and organizations don't allow themselves to be stirred, complacency happens. And complacency in life is strikingly similar to allowing ingredients to settle at the bottom of a pot, char, and become stuck there - not very palatable. People and organizations who are complacent are not relevant to very many. And being irrelevant is equal to being inedible.

When I stir the pot of ingredients I am ensuring that all the ingredients combine together and nothing is left out of the mix. I've made the mistake before of not stirring like the recipe instructs and have found, sitting in the bottom of the pan, one of the ingredients mostly intact and not incorporated. And you can taste the lack of it when eating the dish. Had it been incorporated by the stirring I slacked off on then the dish would have had a lot more flavor and depth.

Now take that idea out of the kitchen and into life.

An organization is made up of many different kinds of people who bring with them many different life experiences, talents, abilities, education, etc. Combine them all together and don't slack off on the stirring. When the pot is stirred they all combine to create a palatable experience. When the pot isn't allowed to be stirred some of those people are going to sink to the bottom and get burned. This charring will affect the whole pot. Oddly enough, it will be the people who didn't get stirred in who get blamed for the ruination of the experience. But it wasn't their job to bring the ingredients together. They asked to be stirred in, they even tried to get themselves stirred in but the person holding the spoon didn't believe in the necessity of variety. So the experience is now bitter for one or several people because they were left to get burned. The experience is flat, just one note that is bland.

Here's the thing about being a pot-stirrer in life; oftentimes the so-called pot-stirrer is unaware they are the pot-stirrer. Why? Because *all* they are is one ingredient, they aren't in charge of stirring. All they are doing is being themselves and living life as they are gifted to. The one holding the spoon is threatened by this because they have to be in charge and who does this person think they are to come in and suggest a different approach, way, mindset, practice? The one holding the spoon is in charge and the people listen to them, period. Except because they refuse to include everyone, the pot is not coming together and that's when toxicity happens.

The burned get labeled as pot-stirrers because they tried to incorporate themselves into the mix and the person holding the spoon doesn't have a tolerance for anything other than themselves. So either all the people need to be like the person holding the spoon or they get labeled as a bad fit. That person - that organization - is missing out on providing their employees and clients with a rich and deep experience because they refuse to incorporate all the people with their different and unique offerings.

Many, many years ago I made a recipe that we loved. But it called for an ingredient that I had 1) never heard of before and 2) dismissed (mostly because of reason #1). But one day I decided to try it. I purchased this spice I had never heard of and stirred it in. HOLY DELICIOUSNESS BATMAN! It took this dish we loved and elevated it to a whole new level of yummy. And I realized we had missing out on the super yummy and settling simply because I was unwilling to stir something in that was unfamiliar to me.

Are you the unfamiliar to a person or organization? Get in there, incorporate! Fingers crossed you have better success at getting mixed in than I did. *wink* I'm cheering for you - I believe what you have to offer can and will take people and organizations to new, amazing levels if they will take a chance and stir you in to the mix.

Are you the person who is holding the spoon and reluctant to stir because you want to be ingredient number one? GET OVER YOURSELF. You are wasting the offerings and talents of people in your life and organization because of your pride. You are missing out, your organization's employees and clients are missing out on a deeper and richer experience because of your silly pride.

Start stirring, you will not regret it. 

I got fired. Here's how you can too!

A year ago today I was fired. If you know me you are thinking, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? How is that even possible?" Right. It shouldn't have been possible but it was for the organization I was working for. I've been fairly quiet about this organization and my firing the past year.

Until now.

To mark the one year anniversary of being fired from this organization that is led by hypocritical, ungodly, and weak patriarchs I thought I would share a few tips on how you too can be fired.

Tip #1:
Be a woman.

Tip #2:
Be someone who has their own opinions, methods, and beliefs about all manner of things and thinks that there is room at the table to present them for consideration.

Tip #3:
Be someone who takes the organization's mission statement at face value and attempts to practice it.

Tip #4:
Be kind.

Tip #5:
Be concerned about the overall health and well-being of the the employees of the organization which impacts the overall health and well-being of the organization itself.

Tip #6:
Don't bow down and worship at the feet of the insecure leadership.

Tip #7:
Don't enable the women in the organization who are kissing ass and compromising themselves to win favor with the weak patriarchs.

Tip #8:
Don't fawn over and stroke the egos of those who are underqualified to do their jobs.

Tip #9:
Be a woman who doesn't think that the man is always right, has all the answers, and is the best at everything he does.

Tip #10:
Don't pretend like the organization's leadership and Human Resources care about the employees and do what's best for them.

One might think I am being sarcastic with my tips, for this particular organization one would be mistaken. The above tips are literally why I got fired for "not being a cultural fit." I didn't get fired for anything that had to do with my actual job and the work I did - in fact, I was commended after I got fired for the excellent work I did and the way it helped the department I was working in.

I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization for wanting and pursuing health and well-being for the employees and therefore the organization.

I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization for taking at face value the mission statement based on Hebrews 10:24, "Let us encourage one another to love and good deeds." The COO didn't approve of or like how I took that verse to heart and tried to live it out at the workplace. It made him uncomfortable because he felt it was highlighting his deficiencies, his lack of compassion, and his inability to genuinely connect with people. Guess what? It did do that but that wasn't my motivation or even my purpose. He made it all about him when it was never about him.

I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization for being a woman that refused to kiss the feet of the men and stroke their egos.

I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization for not allowing bad behaviors to go unchecked but bringing them forward into the light as necessary and appropriate.

I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization because my boss - a weak man - decided to kiss the ass of someone he doesn't even respect or like. He decided that he was too tired to continue to do right things and stand for right behaviors.

I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization because the Director of Human Resources - an insecure woman - would rather live her life suppressed and because I wasn't willing to do the same she fought to get me fired, along with her boss - the jackass COO.

They said I wasn't a "cultural fit." I replied, "You are right, I'm NOT a cultural fit with this organization." Left hanging in the air behind my reply was the reasons I'm not - see above for those reasons. They knew what they were doing. They knew that I was making them uncomfortable and insecure. We humans don't like to be uncomfortable and insecure, we are so f*&%ing prideful about ourselves. So we seek to eliminate people and things that poke at us and cause us to be unsettled. So they eliminated me.

Except "I" won't go away. Life doesn't let off us the hook that easily. Someone else will come into those people's lives, that organization, and poke at them some more. Someone else will come along and continue what I unknowingly started. By being myself I stirred the pot of unease within the hearts of men and women in that place and someone else will come along and continue to stir the pot. Of course I don't know who that person is - I don't know their gender, I don't know when they will come along but someone will.

So if you want to get fired - specifically from a faith-based, non-profit - follow my tips above. If you don't get fired for following my tips above but instead are welcomed and embraced for them then I have two questions:

1) Where do you work?
2) Are they hiring?

Spouse? I do not think spouse means what you think it means.

I was on Pinterest the other day and saw the below list. My attention was caught so I started reading through the list. I've been married for almost 23 years and getting a few new-to-me ideas is never a bad idea. But by the time I got to number 5 my attention was caught for a different reason. I didn't want to overreact so I finished skimming the list before I allowed what caught my attention to bloom into a full "What in the world?" 

Do yourself a favor, skim the list yourself and then meet me below. I'd love to know if you noticed the same thing I did. 

The title of the list uses the word "spouse." I looked it up to make sure I was clear on the definition of the word "spouse." For the record I was right - it means husband or wife. 

Okay so now that I know the definition of spouse is husband or wife, and you do too, read that list again. 

Do you see what I see? 

One pronoun is prominent and one is not to be found. So is the list for spouses or is the list actually for wives about husbands? 

Why is this spouses list for wives only? Why is the only pronoun used male when a spouse is male or female? 

Historically women are more consistent in saying "I love you" in numerous and creative ways so this list rubs me the wrong way. In fact, this list is an enabler of the idea out there in culture that women are responsible for relationships. 

Then I saw this and about lost my shiz...

Does USPS know that women are out there - deployed - and perhaps their male significant other should send them a care package? The ad literally says "wives" and totally disregards the fact that many wives are deployed while the husbands are at home with the children.

Now this one gets what spouse means, note the use of both pronouns - her and him. I'd also like to point out the ones that don't use a pronoun which means either him or her can do it! 

74 Simple Things You Can Do to Brighten Your Spouse’s Day

This is the year 2018 - are "we" still so ignorant about what spouse actually means? And are "we" still so blind to the equality a relationship requires - each person contributing to the health and well-being of the partnership. Yes, partnership. And yes, each person in the relationship flirting, washing the other's car, sending a care package across the ocean, driving for the other when they are tired, letting them choose the TV show to watch/restaurant to eat at/candle scent to light, etc. C'mon. We can do better than spouse meaning him. We can do better and we need to do better. 

The Care & Feeding of Someone Struggling with Depression

I've written quite a bit on my personal journey with depression. I've shared my thoughts on what it is like to be a person with depression. I've decided perhaps it is time to write some thoughts down for those who aren't depressed but who have someone in their life struggling with depression. Truly there is nothing new under the sun as there are many articles and resources out there about "what not to say to someone with depression" etc. But those articles weren't written by me, someone you *know* personally, and sometimes knowing the person who is saying it makes all the difference.

Do you know someone struggling with depression? 

Have you wondered why they go some days without practicing hygiene or why they don't respond to a text or private message you have sent them? 

Have you wondered why they seem to have enough time to binge watch Netflix but don't have time to meet you for a drink? 

Have you felt like they aren't being truthful about how they are doing when the comments they make on people's Facebook posts seem normal and upbeat but they say they are depressed? 

Have you sent them a message, you have seen they read it but didn't respond and thought they were just being rude or blowing you off? 

If any of those questions resonated with you or you have asked similar ones about someone in your life then you are in a relationship with someone who is most likely struggling with depression - and they may or may not even know it themselves.

Everything each of us does takes a certain amount of energy. For some people the more interaction they have with people the more energized they become - they are called extroverts because of how they are energized. Other people, like myself, are drained by interaction with people - especially people we don't know at all or well. People who are drained by interaction with others get their energy replenished by spending time alone to recharge - these are introverts. This has nothing to do with depression because regardless of how you get energy you can be gripped by depression, but I bring up energy because it's important to the care & feeding of those with depression. 

A person who is depressed has low to zero energy for pretty much anything - even if they normally have high energy when in a healthy emotional state. For example, some days taking a shower requires digging deep into energy reserves. Some days energy is easier to come by but depending on how many people I have to interact with depends on how quickly that energy is used up. On lower energy days I don't even have the ability to respond to texts or private messages on Facebook, and I am definitely not answering the phone if it rings. Those who have never experienced true depression (which is very different than being sad) find it very hard to understand these low-to-no energy levels that keep those who are depressed from being unable to even respond to a text. It takes no real energy to respond to a text right? Wrong. Wrong if you are a depressed person. Any kind of interaction, virtual or in person, takes energy that sometimes we just don't have. When I'm having one of those days and I see texts come through I sigh - deeply. Because I know I just can't. I can't find the energy to try and find the words to respond or try to find the enthusiasm to respond or to answer the question that perhaps is being asked. And it doesn't matter who it is - my parents, my husband, my three's and twelve's, my children, etc - if I don't have the energy I don't have the energy, period. And to try and conjure it makes me even more exhausted. People who don't have depression covering them can work up the energy to do what needs to be done, people with depression can but it comes at a great cost, at least in my life it does. 

My most recent experiences with depression came at a time when I didn't have the luxury to stay in bed with the covers over my head like I wanted. I had to get up each day, go to work, interact with co-workers - some of which were triggers for my depression, do my job....basically I had to work up enough energy to get through an 8 hour work day and each night I sat in my recliner, unable to talk to my family or do stuff around the house or socialize with friends. The next day I had to do it all over again. Weekends I never strayed far from my recliner and I holed up trying to fill up my energy reserves for the work week ahead of me. Could people at work tell I was depressed? For the most part, no. I worked it and faked it until I made it each day but it was personally expensive. I had nothing left for family and friends. It was exhausting. 

So, how can you participate in the care & feeding of someone in your life who is gripped by depression? Here's a few ideas based on my experiences:

1) Understand they hate this depression and what it does to them more than anyone else does. It's not their choice to be this way in this season or for the entirety of their life. 

2) Be patient with them - give them the space they need, they will communicate and interact with you when they are able. 

3) Find ways to let them know you are not going anywhere, that when they are ready you are there for them. I have friends who find ways to keep engaged with me but it's no pressure for me - like talking about TV shows, books, and things that are easy to talk about but don't feel like too much effort is involved. 

4) Get on Voxer! You can leave each other messages and it's a no pressure way for them to respond back to you when they have some energy. I have friends who pop on to Voxer just to say they are thinking of me and wanted me to hear their voice. When I have the capability I can leave them a message back. It makes us feel connected especially in the times when I am radio silent. 

5) Don't assume that because they are commenting on Facebook posts or other social media platforms that they are not struggling with their depression. Social media has become a way for shy people, depressed people, socially awkward people, etc to be social without leaving their comfort zone. They can appear to be extroverted or happy or socially adept but not actually be. Social media is a big mask that we all can use - and probably do use to some extent - to hide behind. 

6) When your person engages be grateful for their interaction and engage back! Don't feel all snippy about the lack of interaction they have had with you and everyone else. Just be grateful. 

7) Don't take their radio silence personally. Don't make their inability to engage about you, it's not personal. 

8) Don't be passive aggressive and make comments or behave in ways that try to induce them to guilt that they aren't behaving the way you want them to. Remember - they hate this about themselves more than anyone else does. 

Being in a relationship with someone who is depressed takes patience, a lot of it. In all my seasons, content or depressed, I try to make sure the people in my life know I appreciate them - I appreciate their willingness to be patient with me when I go radio silent, I appreciate their enthusiasm for my ability to be present and engaged when I can be, I appreciate them not pressing me to conjure up energy I don't have, and I appreciate them still calling me friend even when I'm not a very good one. Some people in my life aren't able to have patience with me, we've drifted apart. That's okay, I get it. The ones sticking it out with me are worth more than gold, I know it can be hard to be in a relationship with me. 

If you have experience with this, either as the depressed person or as the person who loves someone struggling with depression, what are your tips for the care & feeding of depressed people?