I was a student at a Christian High School driving home one day with friends. There were two car loads of us driving down a street in our city. Our windows were down and we were driving side by side kind of racing and doing stupid teenager stuff. In a moment of "trash talk" I talked trash and let the F-bomb fly, loudly, out of my mouth. The shocked and stunned looks and silence greeted that moment and sobered me up pretty quickly. I can still remember my ears on fire from shame and my mouth feeling like it had been coated with some nasty chemical. That was about 25 years ago and yet I can remember the regret and shame of it to this very second.
I was still a student at a Christian High School and my boyfriend and I got too comfortable with one another. One night we were parked behind a deserted building, making out and taking things way too far. In a moment of teenage lust I asked him to take us way too far and in a moment of God's saving grace we were caught by a security guard that was on the premises. He interrupted what would have turned into an even bigger regret. That was about 24 years ago and yet I can remember the regret and shame of one, having allowed lust to take over my standards and two, being caught in such a intimate position. To this day when I drive by that building I have to battle the shame that wells up in my soul.
I was on staff at a local church and struggling with my emotional and mental baggage. Unfortunately the man I was assisting took advantage of my struggles, which he knew about, and used them to his benefit when our working relationship was called into question. (In case anyone wonders about my response to that questioning...EW. Enough said.) Without my knowledge, a list was written up and presented to other staff members for review and to hear his side of the supposed story before I was set in a chair and accused of multiple lies. (There is SO much wrong with this story right?) I sat in that chair and read over a list of ways in which I was unacceptable and unworthy to be in ministry and the shame covered me like a heavy thick blanket. There was a whisper somewhere deep within me that said, "Fight back. Stand up for yourself, you know the truth," but the whisper was smothered by the shame this man was attempting to heap on me. So I let them tell me who I was and didn't fight for myself. I regret that. I regret not standing up for myself; I regret not being stronger in spirit to speak truth against the lies being told. It took me 5 years to go back to some of those men and confront the shame they had attempted to cover me in and stand up for myself.
I have said things I regret, I have behaved in ways that I regret, I have had relationships that I regret, and my guess is you have too. Regret seems to be a part of life. I've been thinking about regrets for the past few months, I guess actually for the past year or so. This could be a good or bad thing. Sometimes when dwelling on regrets I can begin to wallow. Other times I can see the other side of it. I have done a little bit of both in the past year when thinking about regrets but now I'm at the place where I am acknowledging them without the wallowing and choosing to move forward without them tagging along. I mean really, what am I going to do about something I regret from 25 years ago? Nothing. I'm going to do nothing because it is what it is now; even then it was what it was. I think I might be able to see that even in the regret there was something good and right that happened within it or as a result of it. It's a very "unanswered prayers" perspective I am allowing myself to have and I'm learning how to have.
I was wallowing a bit a few months ago. A relationship that had ended years ago resurfaced and unsettled my soul. I had found my own closure with the person, without their participation, and had moved on a few years earlier. And then suddenly they entered into my world, albeit on the fringes. Old and even some new regrets presented themselves and I was wading through the quicksand of rocky emotions and "what ifs." That's what wallowing in regret does. All these "what ifs" start talking and distort reality and truth. "What ifs" blur lines that were sharp just a day ago. Regret drags a countenance down. Regret pulls us back to the past and convinces us that it is too late to start over, make a brand new start, forgive, change, etc. Regret is the tool used to turn us away from truth.
The lie of regret says, "It's over, it's finished. You are stuck in this place forever."
The truth says, "You can start over right now this very second and move forward."
The lie of regret says, "Maybe if you had just waited it out and been more patient you would have gotten it."
The truth says, "Don't waste your life on a 'what if'. Move forward and don't settle for second best."
The lie of regret says, "You can't change what you have done. You will be all alone now."
The truth says, "You can't change what you have done but you can make amends and seek restoration. You are not alone."
The lie of regret says, "Shame is your name, you need to hold on to it to remind yourself of your wretchedness."
The truth says, "You are not who you were, you are forgiven and released."
There's more where those lies and truth come from but you get the idea. My guess is you have battled some of those lies yourself. They aren't unique to just me or you, lies are unimaginative and universal. The truth is the cure for what ails. And once truth conquers the lie we see that we can start over, start fresh, restore, and create a new story that is redemptive.
A couple of years ago my High School Yearbook Advisor contacted me and asked me to come and speak to a girls class she was teaching at the Christian High School I graduated from. I sat down in front of these Christian High School teenagers, flooded with memories of my own days there, and told them about the F-bomb. And I told them about the regret I have of that instance. Then I shared with them what I learned in the years since about regret, shame, healing, and the power of words. I'm not the girl I was when the F-bomb flew out of my mouth, I'm better than a word that indicates I have no imagination or class.
Fast forward a few months after I spoke to the girls at the Christian High School. The same teacher asked me back for a new class of girls. This time I sat in front of them and told them about my indiscretions with purity and the regret I have because of it. I told them how my choices to lower my standards for temporal lust have affected me in the years since. Then I shared with them what I learned since then about regret, shame, healing, and purity. I'm not the girl I was when I asked my boyfriend to take us physically farther than I knew was good for us, I'm better than a choice that indicates I have no self-control or standards.
About 5 years after I had been dismissed from the church staff because I was "unfit" I walked through the doors with my husband at my side. We sat in two offices that day and with both men I stood up for myself and truth as I should have done 5 years prior. I presented evidence to refute the lies they believed about me, I confronted them on their own choices regarding the treatment of me, I gave them the full story rather than let the half-story sit out there and continue to distort truth. I could do this because regret had no hold on me and shame was not my name. Some would say, "You waited five years? Sheesh, couldn't you just let it go?" The answer is no. No, I could not let it go because God would not let it go. And if I had not followed God's timing on the when and where of standing up for truth I would have new regrets to deal with. I do my best to avoid having regrets. :) Guess what? The timing, five years later, was perfect. Both men were in a place to hear me and to seek restoration with me. Freedom happened that day.
Does regret have a place in your life? Have you allowed it to set up camp in your heart? Has it gotten comfy in your mind? Make a choice to evict regret and reclaim truth! It may mean forgiving self, forgiving others, making a few lifestyle changes, taking a risk, etc but the long-term benefit of the choice to reclaim truth is worth any short-term pain. I PROMISE. Carl Bard said, "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." Start from now and write a new ending to your story. I am, so you are not alone!
By the way, I have never said the F-bomb again. *wink*
The lie of regret says, "It's over, it's finished. You are stuck in this place forever."
The truth says, "You can start over right now this very second and move forward."
The lie of regret says, "Maybe if you had just waited it out and been more patient you would have gotten it."
The truth says, "Don't waste your life on a 'what if'. Move forward and don't settle for second best."
The lie of regret says, "You can't change what you have done. You will be all alone now."
The truth says, "You can't change what you have done but you can make amends and seek restoration. You are not alone."
The lie of regret says, "Shame is your name, you need to hold on to it to remind yourself of your wretchedness."
The truth says, "You are not who you were, you are forgiven and released."
There's more where those lies and truth come from but you get the idea. My guess is you have battled some of those lies yourself. They aren't unique to just me or you, lies are unimaginative and universal. The truth is the cure for what ails. And once truth conquers the lie we see that we can start over, start fresh, restore, and create a new story that is redemptive.
A couple of years ago my High School Yearbook Advisor contacted me and asked me to come and speak to a girls class she was teaching at the Christian High School I graduated from. I sat down in front of these Christian High School teenagers, flooded with memories of my own days there, and told them about the F-bomb. And I told them about the regret I have of that instance. Then I shared with them what I learned in the years since about regret, shame, healing, and the power of words. I'm not the girl I was when the F-bomb flew out of my mouth, I'm better than a word that indicates I have no imagination or class.
Fast forward a few months after I spoke to the girls at the Christian High School. The same teacher asked me back for a new class of girls. This time I sat in front of them and told them about my indiscretions with purity and the regret I have because of it. I told them how my choices to lower my standards for temporal lust have affected me in the years since. Then I shared with them what I learned since then about regret, shame, healing, and purity. I'm not the girl I was when I asked my boyfriend to take us physically farther than I knew was good for us, I'm better than a choice that indicates I have no self-control or standards.
About 5 years after I had been dismissed from the church staff because I was "unfit" I walked through the doors with my husband at my side. We sat in two offices that day and with both men I stood up for myself and truth as I should have done 5 years prior. I presented evidence to refute the lies they believed about me, I confronted them on their own choices regarding the treatment of me, I gave them the full story rather than let the half-story sit out there and continue to distort truth. I could do this because regret had no hold on me and shame was not my name. Some would say, "You waited five years? Sheesh, couldn't you just let it go?" The answer is no. No, I could not let it go because God would not let it go. And if I had not followed God's timing on the when and where of standing up for truth I would have new regrets to deal with. I do my best to avoid having regrets. :) Guess what? The timing, five years later, was perfect. Both men were in a place to hear me and to seek restoration with me. Freedom happened that day.
Does regret have a place in your life? Have you allowed it to set up camp in your heart? Has it gotten comfy in your mind? Make a choice to evict regret and reclaim truth! It may mean forgiving self, forgiving others, making a few lifestyle changes, taking a risk, etc but the long-term benefit of the choice to reclaim truth is worth any short-term pain. I PROMISE. Carl Bard said, "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." Start from now and write a new ending to your story. I am, so you are not alone!
By the way, I have never said the F-bomb again. *wink*
