When the static begins I notice, as anyone does when static comes across the airwaves. Before fiddling with the dial to try and adjust past the static I wait to see if it corrects itself. Sometimes I know I'm just in a "dead spot" and in a matter of seconds the static will disappear and the frequency will be crystal clear again. But other times the static persists and so I start to fiddle with the dial - go up just a smidge, go down just a smidge. When my fiddling doesn't change the static I go radio silent. That static is annoying, right?
As it turns out static doesn't happen just on the airwaves, it happens in my life too. Sometimes the static that begins is a blip, a momentary "dead spot" that I know will disappear after a good night's sleep or a book (or two) read. But when the static doesn't clear up I start fiddling with my dials - adjust a smidge here and a smidge there. And when the fiddling doesn't change the static I go radio silent. My transmitter needs some maintenance.
The static comes without warning and I have yet to figure out its triggers. At first I thought it might be time of year/season related but then I went radio silent when I didn't expect. So the conclusion is it happens when it happens and I need to stayed tuned in to myself. The problem with the static that leads me to radio silence is I go silent with everyone in my life - without warning or notice I basically drop off the grid, I go underground, I retreat. I go silent.
Things have been static the past month or so. I've been fiddling with my dials but in the past few days I have noticed that I'm off the grid as much as I can be considering I work full time. Going radio silent shows up in different ways. I watch more TV, I read less, I have to talk myself out of bed and into life every day, I'm listless, I'm indifferent, I can't find energy to respond to the simplest of texts, I procrastinate, I quit engaging with my 3's and 12's, and more.
I know what dials to fiddle with. I may up my morale boosting activities, purposely schedule coffee and lunch with friends, take naps as often as I can, find a project at home or work to focus on, give myself some space to clear the static, I keep to my routine and commitments as much as possible. And sometimes that fiddling works and hardly anyone is the wiser to the static I just had to clear.
I go radio silent when the fiddling doesn't work and that static gets so annoying that I have to power down. I cannot gather myself enough to even send out an alert to people who should know I'm dropping off the grid. It just happens and I leave in the silence people who I love and care about and who love and care about me. And then one day, out of the blue (pun intended), I'm powered back on and no static is present. My transmitter is working again.
I can't explain these static filled and silent times. And they make me feel guilty for friends and family lost in my radio silence, perplexed at why the static didn't clear, literally exhausted physically and mentally. I wonder when I power back on who will still be hanging around, understanding that I had retreated not because of them but because of me, loving me in spite of my sudden and confusing silence. I don't blame people when they drift away - it's hard to be in close relationship with someone who goes radio silent with no warning. I'm always awed when people close in around me even though I'm not aware they have until the static clears and I'm back on the air.
I work for a radio station so I have learned a very small amount about the airwaves, transmitters, and such. When we have storms in our various markets and the signal goes to static or silent we hear about it from our listeners. I imagine over the years we have lost some listeners in some of our markets that seem to perpetually be static or silent but we also have retained a lot of listeners because they understand things happen and as wonderful as technology is, it is also subject to breakdown from time to time. We are grateful for the listeners who hang in there with us, through static and silence. I, too, am grateful in my own personal life for those who hang in there with me, through the static and silence.
One morning recently my oldest redhead came into my room and said, "Mommy? You need to get up" and pulled the blankets off of me. Then she started up the shower and got a towel out for me. I laid there for another minute pouting. Then I groaned and got out of bed. FINE. I guess I need to be an adult today.
Being an adult is not for the faint of heart, no wonder some people fight against it. You have to show up to a job and make money to pay bills and own your actions and words and a lot more! It's tough being an adult and it's tiring. I'm exhausted from behaving like a grown-up for so long. Sometimes I just want to lay down in my Grandma's lap and watch TV like I did when I wasn't yet a grown-up. I thought I had it rough then. Psh.
I mean, sure, there are some perks to being an adult. Although outside of being able to drink legally
I'm feeling a little hard pressed to come up with any perks right now. And let's face it, in order to keep adulting day after day I need to be able to drink some. *wink*
When I was graduating from High School, as the oldest redhead is about to do, all my classmates were so ready to be "adults." I think I was the only one on graduation day in tears from fear rather than excitement. I was perfectly fine as was, I did not think being an adult was going to be all that great - I mean, it came with a lot of responsibility and I was not ready for it. Not at all. In fact, I'm still not ready for it.
It seems I'm not the only one who thinks this adulting gig is a joke. I read this article a while back and felt the comfort of solidarity. There are others like me. Others who think dusting is highly overrated and forgets to feed the family now and then (or in reality only feeds the family now and then). There are others who believed the deception of adulting being this wonderful thing and instead just want to crawl back into the blanket fort and resume coloring. I'm guessing Netflix was created by a bunch of exhausted adults who needed to create an acceptable form of escape. God bless them, whoever they are.
My heart races, I break out in sweat, my mouth becomes a cotton field, the butterflies in my stomach transform into buzzing locusts. This is what happens when I am forced to remember that I am the adult in a situation or within a group of people and so I have to behave like it. And I'm never quite positive that I can pull it off, that I can successfully act like an adult, or think like one, I'm not sure I know how to speak like an adult, or even look like one. Isn't there someone else, anyone else, who can be the adult right now? I might even be able to pay you - or feed you - or water you. I need an adultier adult. Anyone? Anyone?
I've decided to be honest with my redheads about being an adult. I've let them experience the grind of adulting along with me, I haven't romanticized it in any way. They know they are going to have to adult at some point but they also know it is not all its cracked up to be. Someone thought I should be an adult and look where its gotten me. Exhausted, stressed, and disillusioned. Welcome my children to adult life, have fun - come cry on my shoulder anytime you want, I understand.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) can accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power].James 5:16 (amp)
She had asked me earlier that day if we could meet at the coffee shop. "I need to confess something to you, will you hear my confession?" Whaaaa?
"Uh, sure?"
"Well you know in James it says that if we confess our sins to one another and pray for each other that we will be healed and I want to be healed. Will you hear me and pray for me?" WHOA. Mind. Blown.
Yeah, I know what James says but nobody actually ever does it do they? But she did and does, and inspired me to work on doing the same.
I heard her, I prayed for her, and our relationship changed - it deepened, it entwined our hearts and we became inseparable in many ways. And yes, she was healed but through hearing her confession I too was set on a path of healing. Healing from the pride that kept me from being honest with people in my life about things in my life. Healing from shame that haunted me over my false steps and offenses committed - knowingly or unknowingly. I haven't arrived anywhere yet but I'm a lot more confessional than I used to be - with the people I know I can trust of course.
You don't just pick anyone to confess to. Okay, maybe in certain circumstances you do. Like when Donald Miller and his friends held confession at a carnival in college. (The true story and the movie version) But for the real personal stuff you pick someone you know will hear you, not judge you or rebuke you, will pray for you, will still love you (and perhaps love you even more), and will walk alongside of you as you seek to correct the words or actions that led to a division in a relationship or situation.
Confession has gotten a bad rap through the years. It's unfair to the many physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits confession offers. It's gotten a bad rap because humans are involved in it. Yes, us humans tend to muck it up with critical spirits, judgement, superiority, and sharing it with others when it was meant to be private. We've reduced it to saying a couple of key phrases so the ritual of it is complete. And that's the biggest muck up of all - we've reduced the practice of confession to a ritual. Anytime something is transformed into a ritual it loses the power it had.
I've been contemplating the spirituality of confession lately. Not the ritual of it but the lifestyle of it. Not all rituals are bad, but not all are good. I am guessing most started off with good intentions. But enter human nature and anything intended for good is then open to the possibility for mucking up. I should know, I'm a human and I've mucked up plenty of things. Confession transforms from a spiritual practice to a ritual when it becomes just one more thing to check off on "the list." You know what list I'm referring to correct? The "Spiritual To Do" List. You know, things like have a "quiet time", go to church on Sundays, put a five in the offering plate, etc. Most protestants don't have confession on their own list but most Catholics do. And one of the reasons protestants don't have confessional time built in to their "spiritual to do" list is because of the Catholics waaaaaaaaaaay back in the day. It had become a ritual in some churches and with some priests so kicking that ritual to the curb bumped it off the protestants to do lists. But just because some spoiled it doesn't mean it is bad, it just means humans mucked up a good thing...again.
When protestants kicked the practice of confession off the checklist for spirituality, the message became that confessing your sins, lacks, and flaws was a shameful thing to do in front of anyone but God. Wait, what about James 5:16? Oh that verse? Well James didn't actually mean it the way it's written.
Or did he?
I'm pretty sure he did. I'm pretty sure he meant it exactly as it is written. Dietrich Bonhoeffer happens to agree with me. *wink* In his book, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community, Bonhoeffer makes the case for confession one to another: A man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person. As long as I am by myself in the confession of my sins everything remains in the dark, but in the presence of a brother the sin has to be brought into the light... Our brother has been given me that even here and now I may be made certain through him of the reality of God in His judgment and His grace (p116).
....our confessions to God often are merely confessions to ourselves, and as a result we are living in self-forgiveness rather than in real forgiveness, and so the cycle of sin continues. But when we confess to a brother, we can be certain that we are not merely confessing to ourselves, but to God, represented to us by our brother. (source)
Where the protestant practice of confession would differ from the Catholic practice is in who hears the confession. Gleaning from Bonhoeffer yet again, "....in a Christian community, one person should not serve as the confessor for all the others. When that is the case, there is a danger that the work will become routine and thus an empty sham. Worse yet, there is the danger that it will become a source of spiritual domination." (source) This is one reason why people rebelled against confessional back in the day - to have one person know ALL is too much for any one person. It will break them down and compromise and complacency are sure to happen. God created us as relational beings, to share with one another - more than one person. Be wise about it, certainly, but don't allow just one person to hold all of your confidences, some aren't meant for certain people.
When I practice a "confessional" lifestyle people squirm. I find it kind of funny - which means then I do it a little more often. *wink* For example, a couple of weeks ago I spoke at a staff meeting. I shared my spiritual life story and parts of it were a confession to my co-workers, things I felt comfortable confessing even though I wonder if it's going to come back around like a boomerang. Here's a portion of my confessions: My mind and heart were a tangled mess of fear, lies, and self-preservation. It was evident in any conflict that arose, every relationship I had, and how I interacted with authority in my life.... I’ve had to apologize to my redheads when I’ve sinned against them, my husband and I just came out of a really rocky period that lasted way longer than we would have liked, I still get tempted by fear of man over fear of God and have to fight that temptation, I struggle with my physical health, I can be too lazy.... Because I’m not finished I don’t behave right all the time and yet God, in his grace, invites me to take a walk to talk it through anyway.
The room was VERY quiet, I sensed a lot of internal squirming going on...and surprise - surprise that I would be so bold as to be so honest.
In fact, I've made a confession within this post. Go back and see if you can find it (hint: it is italicized). Those all "count." I was confessional when a few months ago The Chief had to have a "hard talk" with me about an interaction I had with someone else in the organization. He was squirming at the confession he felt he needed to get out of me so I offered it up to ease his discomfort. Ha! Our human nature kicks against saying or doing anything that we perceive makes us look weak, flawed, or rotten. But guess what? We are weak and flawed and some of us are really rotten. Once you can accept that about yourself, confessing when you've mucked up goes a lot smoother. It will still make others squirm but you won't even fidget.
Why are they squirming? Because they aren't at that point yet, the need to defend self is still stronger than the desire to live without a mask. I get it and like I said earlier - I haven't arrived anywhere yet but I'm a lot further down the road than I used to be. Now I peek out from behind the mask and 'fess up when I know I need to. Note I said when I recognize I need to, not when someone tells me I need to. Listen, I know when I've mucked up. And I believe you know when you have mucked up. We don't need to be trying to force someone to confess just because what they did or said made us uncomfortable. Maybe we needed to feel some discomfort, let's not be too quick to dismiss that feeling either. So I'm quick to be honest about my flaws, weaknesses, moments of misbehavin'. I confessed to The Chief without him having to coerce me because I knew I had misbehaved a bit. I'll own my part of it. Listen, while it might be interesting to try and navigate around a big pink elephant in the room it really cuts into life. So 'fess up to your part of the pink elephant and reduce the tension in the room by your part at least. I've been mindful about this in my own life for awhile now and it's interesting to watch reactions and hear responses. There's always surprise, as if the person hearing my confession is taken aback that I know I misbehaved or I am overweight and being lazy about it or I treated them (or someone) poorly - to offer up a few examples (and confessions!). Did you just squirm when I mentioned those few examples? Why?
If you are ever in the position to hear someone's confession I implore you to treat it and the person with grace, and if *you* should ever approach someone to confess for healing I pray you are embraced with grace.
Let's allow grace to be our seasoning of choice with one another (Colossians 4:6) and be conduits of healing in each other's lives.
What are your thoughts on confession? Do you practice it on a regular basis or not? Who do you confess to? What kind of benefits have you experienced as a result of confession?
