I confess! Do you?

Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) can accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power]. James 5:16 (amp)

She had asked me earlier that day if we could meet at the coffee shop. "I need to confess something to you, will you hear my confession?"
Whaaaa?
"Uh, sure?"
"Well you know in James it says that if we confess our sins to one another and pray for each other that we will be healed and I want to be healed. Will you hear me and pray for me?"
WHOA.
Mind. Blown. 

Yeah, I know what James says but nobody actually ever does it do they? But she did and does, and inspired me to work on doing the same.

I heard her, I prayed for her, and our relationship changed - it deepened, it entwined our hearts and we became inseparable in many ways. And yes, she was healed but through hearing her confession I too was set on a path of healing. Healing from the pride that kept me from being honest with people in my life about things in my life. Healing from shame that haunted me over my false steps and offenses committed - knowingly or unknowingly. I haven't arrived anywhere yet but I'm a lot more confessional than I used to be - with the people I know I can trust of course.

You don't just pick anyone to confess to. Okay, maybe in certain circumstances you do. Like when Donald Miller and his friends held confession at a carnival in college. (The true story and the movie version) But for the real personal stuff you pick someone you know will hear you, not judge you or rebuke you, will pray for you, will still love you (and perhaps love you even more), and will walk alongside of you as you seek to correct the words or actions that led to a division in a relationship or situation.

Confession has gotten a bad rap through the years. It's unfair to the many physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits confession offers. It's gotten a bad rap because humans are involved in it. Yes, us humans tend to muck it up with critical spirits, judgement, superiority, and sharing it with others when it was meant to be private. We've reduced it to saying a couple of key phrases so the ritual of it is complete. And that's the biggest muck up of all - we've reduced the practice of confession to a ritual. Anytime something is transformed into a ritual it loses the power it had.

I've been contemplating the spirituality of confession lately. Not the ritual of it but the lifestyle of it. Not all rituals are bad, but not all are good. I am guessing most started off with good intentions. But enter human nature and anything intended for good is then open to the possibility for mucking up. I should know, I'm a human and I've mucked up plenty of things. Confession transforms from a spiritual practice to a ritual when it becomes just one more thing to check off on "the list." You know what list I'm referring to correct? The "Spiritual To Do" List. You know, things like have a "quiet time", go to church on Sundays, put a five in the offering plate, etc. Most protestants don't have confession on their own list but most Catholics do. And one of the reasons protestants don't have confessional time built in to their "spiritual to do" list is because of the Catholics waaaaaaaaaaay back in the day. It had become a ritual in some churches and with some priests so kicking that ritual to the curb bumped it off the protestants to do lists. But just because some spoiled it doesn't mean it is bad, it just means humans mucked up a good thing...again.

When protestants kicked the practice of confession off the checklist for spirituality, the message became that confessing your sins, lacks, and flaws was a shameful thing to do in front of anyone but God. Wait, what about James 5:16? Oh that verse? Well James didn't actually mean it the way it's written.

Or did he?

I'm pretty sure he did. I'm pretty sure he meant it exactly as it is written. Dietrich Bonhoeffer happens to agree with me. *wink* In his book, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community, Bonhoeffer makes the case for confession one to another:
A man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person. As long as I am by myself in the confession of my sins everything remains in the dark, but in the presence of a brother the sin has to be brought into the light... Our brother has been given me that even here and now I may be made certain through him of the reality of God in His judgment and His grace (p116).
....our confessions to God often are merely confessions to ourselves, and as a result we are living in self-forgiveness rather than in real forgiveness, and so the cycle of sin continues. But when we confess to a brother, we can be certain that we are not merely confessing to ourselves, but to God, represented to us by our brother. (source)

Where the protestant practice of confession would differ from the Catholic practice is in who hears the confession. Gleaning from Bonhoeffer yet again, "....in a Christian community, one person should not serve as the confessor for all the others. When that is the case, there is a danger that the work will become routine and thus an empty sham. Worse yet, there is the danger that it will become a source of spiritual domination." (source) This is one reason why people rebelled against confessional back in the day - to have one person know ALL is too much for any one person. It will break them down and compromise and complacency are sure to happen. God created us as relational beings, to share with one another - more than one person. Be wise about it, certainly, but don't allow just one person to hold all of your confidences, some aren't meant for certain people.

When I practice a "confessional" lifestyle people squirm. I find it kind of funny - which means then I do it a little more often. *wink* For example, a couple of weeks ago I spoke at a staff meeting. I shared my spiritual life story and parts of it were a confession to my co-workers, things I felt comfortable confessing even though I wonder if it's going to come back around like a boomerang. Here's a portion of my confessions:
My mind and heart were a tangled mess of fear, lies, and self-preservation. It was evident in any conflict that arose, every relationship I had, and how I interacted with authority in my life....
I’ve had to apologize to my redheads when I’ve sinned against them, my husband and I just came out of a really rocky period that lasted way longer than we would have liked, I still get tempted by fear of man over fear of God and have to fight that temptation, I struggle with my physical health, I can be too lazy....
Because I’m not finished I don’t behave right all the time and yet God, in his grace, invites me to take a walk to talk it through anyway. 
The room was VERY quiet, I sensed a lot of internal squirming going on...and surprise - surprise that I would be so bold as to be so honest.
In fact, I've made a confession within this post. Go back and see if you can find it (hint: it is italicized). Those all "count." I was confessional when a few months ago The Chief had to have a "hard talk" with me about an interaction I had with someone else in the organization. He was squirming at the confession he felt he needed to get out of me so I offered it up to ease his discomfort.  Ha! Our human nature kicks against saying or doing anything that we perceive makes us look weak, flawed, or rotten. But guess what? We are weak and flawed and some of us are really rotten. Once you can accept that about yourself, confessing when you've mucked up goes a lot smoother. It will still make others squirm but you won't even fidget.

Why are they squirming? Because they aren't at that point yet, the need to defend self is still stronger than the desire to live without a mask.  I get it and like I said earlier - I haven't arrived anywhere yet but I'm a lot further down the road than I used to be. Now I peek out from behind the mask and 'fess up when I know I need to. Note I said when I recognize I need to, not when someone tells me I need to. Listen, I know when I've mucked up. And I believe you know when you have mucked up. We don't need to be trying to force someone to confess just because what they did or said made us uncomfortable. Maybe we needed to feel some discomfort, let's not be too quick to dismiss that feeling either. So I'm quick to be honest about my flaws, weaknesses, moments of misbehavin'. I confessed to The Chief without him having to coerce me because I knew I had misbehaved a bit. I'll own my part of it. Listen, while it might be interesting to try and navigate around a big pink elephant in the room it really cuts into life. So 'fess up to your part of the pink elephant and reduce the tension in the room by your part at least. I've been mindful about this in my own life for awhile now and it's interesting to watch reactions and hear responses. There's always surprise, as if the person hearing my confession is taken aback that I know I misbehaved or I am overweight and being lazy about it or I treated them (or someone) poorly - to offer up a few examples (and confessions!). Did you just squirm when I mentioned those few examples? Why?

If you are ever in the position to hear someone's confession I implore you to treat it and the person with grace, and if *you* should ever approach someone to confess for healing I pray you are embraced with grace.

Let's allow grace to be our seasoning of choice with one another (Colossians 4:6) and be conduits of healing in each other's lives.

What are your thoughts on confession? Do you practice it on a regular basis or not? Who do you confess to? What kind of benefits have you experienced as a result of confession?

3:12:72 (A Friendship Formula)

Over the past decade or so I've been trying to live out my friendships according to a formula that was modeled for me, and you, many years ago.  I call it 3:12:72.  It's a formula that helps me keep relationships and people in proper perspective.

3:12:72 was first modeled for me, and you, waaaaaaay back in the day of Jesus. Yep, I had to bring him into this.  But I want, and need, to give credit where credit is due so he's part of this.  Jesus had his three, his twelve, and then his seventy-two.  The 72 might be a few more or a few less, no biggie. I don't want to get tangled up in details that don't actually matter. *grin*

The 72 came and went and most likely included people who were part of the parables Jesus used to teach others.  These were people who liked Jesus, they were intrigued and moved by his teachings, they felt a pull toward his radical ideas.  But they were also people who had families and businesses and communities that thought they might be a wee bit strange.  So these people came and went. Sometimes they traveled with Jesus for a few days, maybe even a week, but then the pull of life took them back to their homes.  I do think that each time they were pulled toward Jesus and then pushed back home they took Jesus and his radical ideas back into their communities where discussions and ponderings continued about this man tromping around saying and doing some pretty crazy things.

The twelve: Peter, James (son of Zebedee), John, Andrew, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, Matthew, James, Simon the Zealot, Thaddaeus-Judas, Judas Iscariot.  Out of the *72* the twelve were picked by Jesus.  He specifically called them by name and they went. They were compelled in a deeper way than the group they came out of to trust this crazy guy just a bit more. Their families understood, their businesses kept running from the help of others, their communities maybe even were a little impressed that they were called by the crazy, yet super cool, dude stirring up the pot with the Pharisees.  They thought a little more about the things they were hearing and seeing. They asked questions and wrestled while traveling with this man.  They weren't willing to go back to what life had been without Jesus in it.

And then there were the three: Peter, James (son of Zebedee), and John. The three who were also part of the 12.  Yes, Jesus was God but Jesus was also man.  And as all wo/men know, we click with some more than we click with others. And it's okay, it really is.  So these three Jesus clicked with a little more and in different ways than the other 9.  And it really was okay. These three got *it*.  They had a potential in them that Jesus knew he could trust. They might have done or said stupid things from time to time but they got Jesus. Peter, I always feel the closest to him, summed up this deeper devotion to Jesus well when this conversation happened:
When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”
“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”
Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”
And then this conversation later on:
On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”
Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit[a] and life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Jesus had his three, his twelve, and his *seventy-two*. How he interacted with the people who fell into those groups serves as a model for us and our relationships today. There were appropriate levels of intimacy, interaction, and expectations as he spent time with a "3", a "12", or a "72".

Interacting with a "72" meant that expectations were lower because of things like uncertainty about this guy and all of his radical ideas, or because they didn't spend the kind of 24/7 time with Jesus to see him in all kinds of circumstances, or because there was a trust between them and him that only reached so far.  And that was okay. It meant Jesus reserved the harder teachings for the 12, it meant that he wasn't going to reveal the Kingdom of God in its total reality to others outside of the 12, and he wasn't going to call the 72 by name and ask them to drop their nets and follow him on land.  It was all okay.  Each "72" he interacted with never felt slighted or like Jesus reserved himself from them. He still made the interaction personal, warm, unique but with boundaries.  And boundaries are okay.

We got to see the interactions with the twelve.  We have been able to witness how Jesus opened himself up to them and shared deep and hard things with love. He led them, he loved them, he did what he could to draw out their potential, he placed trust in them when others questioned it, he broke bread with them, he walked with them, he lived out a fulfillment of the Law for them.  And yet, even with these precious men he drew boundaries. He would go off to pray, sometimes none were invited and other times only three were invited. With the nine he gave important tasks and spoke about important things but sometimes the three got a little more.  He didn't have expectations of complete loyalty to him from the 12.  He knew, without them knowing at times, that some would struggle and did struggle with him and what he was saying and doing.  And yet he loved them and lived life with them and kept his expectations of them realistic with the help of boundaries. And boundaries are okay.

Then there were three. These three got to witness some pretty spectacular things with Jesus. They got invited on special hikes, sacred garden spots, and tasked with being proxy children. They weren't perfect but Jesus knew he could trust them 100%, he knew stuff about them they didn't know about themselves. He built his kingdom on them. He told them far more than he told anyone else because he knew they would keep it to themselves until the time was right. They might have messed up from time to time but he knew they loved him. His expectations of them were a bit higher because he knew they would live up to them even if they didn't know it yet.  He could look at any of the three and they could understand what he wasn't saying. The other nine couldn't read him that well.  It's okay, Jesus didn't want or need everyone to read him that well. And even with these three he had boundaries but they were different and less reserved.  And boundaries are okay.

*You* are a pretty smart person, I'm guessing *you* have figured out the model by now.  Our relationships fall into the 3:12:72 and we are someone's 3, 12, or 72.

In my relationships with people they always start off as a "72".  Some stay there and others move closer to the 12 kind of relationship.  Very few are in my 3 zone. And that's how it should be. The 3 zone shouldn't be crowded.  A three in my life is someone who has loved me despite me. Who has lived through my ugly and painful times with me and still I have somehow managed to keep them as a friend.  As the book of Ecclesiastes points out, there is a season for everything. And that extends to even the 3:12:72 formula.  Some people in my life have gone from being a 3 to bypassing 72 never to be seen or heard from again. You know what?  That's okay. It's okay that there are seasons of relationship and that every now and then people in my life shift and I have to readjust expectations and interactions.  I have to do it with people and they have to do it with me.  Sometimes we are aware and other times it happens without awareness.  The older I get the more I understand that it's okay. It's okay to be in and out of season with people, it's okay to have boundaries and stick to them, it's okay to reevaluate someone and adjust accordingly.  It's really okay, and actually it's really the most healthy.

I didn't realize at first that I was modeling this formula for relationships, it just happened.  But once I realized what I was doing and why, I understood the relief I had been feeling. I understood why it had become easier for me to be in relationship with more difficult people.  I was able to approach people and even situations with a clear perspective on expectations of that person and myself in regard to that person because of who they were in my life; a "72" I don't expect a whole lot from, I keep that relationship to the basics with maybe a more personal tidbit thrown in here or there. But I always attempt to interact with that person in a way that doesn't make them feel like they are "just a 72."  A "12" I still attempt to keep fairly low expectations of but I have noticed that I can trust them with the personal parts of me a bit more. So I share a little more deeply.  And a "3"?  Well they know the good, the bad, the ugly and still seem to like me!  It always awes me a bit.  I'm one of the most unlikeable people I know. But my three's seem to be blinded to that. I am grateful.  Everyone needs some three's.  Everyone needs some of all the 3:12:72 because I have experienced that having some of all provides us with balance and perspective. And we all could use a little more of that, couldn't we?