Ross Geller Tells Me What To Do

There's this later episode of Friends in which Chandler and Monica are getting married. (#sorrynotsorry for that spoiler alert - what do you mean you haven't watched Friends yet?!) Chandler has disappeared due to cold feet and Ross is trying to find him. When Ross finally finds Chandler he talks him off the ledge by getting him to do just one thing at a time with no thought for what comes after. He gets him to take a shower while not thinking about what comes later. Then he gets him to put clothes on while not thinking about what comes later. And so it goes until Chandler finds himself watching Monica walk down the aisle to meet and marry him. By then he's calmed down because he faced his fear one small step at a time, not all at once.

The other day I heard Ross tell me to just get out of bed, nothing more. See, I didn't want to. I physically was able but mentally and emotionally I was stuck in bed, unable to face the day. I thought about that episode and Ross encouraging Chandler to take those small steps so I got out of bed. I had an appointment that day and I felt very unwilling to go. I wanted to pick up the phone and cancel. But Ross told me to take a shower while not thinking about what comes later. And then he told me to put on clothes because I couldn't go around naked. So I did. And so it went until I found myself in the parking lot where the appointment was.

Call it coincidence, call it whatever you want but in my appointment - the one I was able to get to with the help of Ross - my doctor told me to take small steps and keep my eyes on the task in front of me, not the door I needed to walk out of an hour from then. Basically, she was telling me what Ross had just that morning.

This inability to even get out of bed isn't fear based for me, it's my continuing struggle with depression. It's when my eyes open for the first time each morning and my first thought is, "I.can't. I.just.can't." But then nature prompts me to get up. Literally. So I'm up, what now? Ross, and my doctor and my therapist (oh I didn't mention she also chimed in on this?), suggests I stay up and brush my teeth or shower, something that keeps me up for just a few more minutes. Those few minutes tumble on each other like a domino train that has been started and before I know it I am in my car and adulting. And the depression doesn't win that time because as I take each step and progress toward adulting for the day I discover that maybe, just maybe, I can. I can interact with people. I can stay out of my bed. For me the saying, "Keep my eye on the prize"  means each small step I take every day is a prize. My depression paralyzes me because I try to look at the whole day all at once, Ross tells me to do the next thing while not thinking about what comes later.

There's another episode of Friends where Phoebe thinks a cat is her mom reincarnated. But the friends find the cat's real owner and Ross is the only one saying Phoebe has to be told. The friends reluctantly agree and Rachel exclaims, "I hate it when Ross is right!" I imagine depression must say the same thing when I choose to listen to Ross over it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go - Ross just told me it's time to take another step toward winning over depression today.

Stirring the Pot

Recently I shared my tips on how to get fired from your job. I know. Usually the tips are centered around how to not get fired but I like to do a twist on things from time to time. *grin*

One of the reasons I was fired was because I was perceived to be a pot-stirrer. You've heard about those kinds of people before right? They are divisive, toxic, trouble makers, unhappy - and they make the people and organizations they are in and around unhealthy.

Or do they?

Certainly there are pot-stirrers that are divisive, toxic, trouble makers, and without a doubt unhappy. But not all pot-stirrers are. In fact, the kind of pot-stirrers I'm talking about and was accused of being are a necessary component to the health of an organization and personal growth. So let's talk about that.

Before I got fired and during the time that the weak leadership at my organization was "building their case" against me I found myself stirring a pot one evening as I was assembling dinner. The directions on the recipe I was following said, "Stir constantly to avoid burning." Good advice. If I didn't get the ingredients moving around they were going to stick to the bottom of the pot, char, and become inedible. I had to keep stirring the pot to keep things moving along and so that all the ingredients could blend together to make the dish I wanted.

One could say, "Beth. C'mon. Stirring the pot for cooking and being a pot-stirrer in life are two very different things."

But are they?

When people and organizations don't allow themselves to be stirred, complacency happens. And complacency in life is strikingly similar to allowing ingredients to settle at the bottom of a pot, char, and become stuck there - not very palatable. People and organizations who are complacent are not relevant to very many. And being irrelevant is equal to being inedible.

When I stir the pot of ingredients I am ensuring that all the ingredients combine together and nothing is left out of the mix. I've made the mistake before of not stirring like the recipe instructs and have found, sitting in the bottom of the pan, one of the ingredients mostly intact and not incorporated. And you can taste the lack of it when eating the dish. Had it been incorporated by the stirring I slacked off on then the dish would have had a lot more flavor and depth.

Now take that idea out of the kitchen and into life.

An organization is made up of many different kinds of people who bring with them many different life experiences, talents, abilities, education, etc. Combine them all together and don't slack off on the stirring. When the pot is stirred they all combine to create a palatable experience. When the pot isn't allowed to be stirred some of those people are going to sink to the bottom and get burned. This charring will affect the whole pot. Oddly enough, it will be the people who didn't get stirred in who get blamed for the ruination of the experience. But it wasn't their job to bring the ingredients together. They asked to be stirred in, they even tried to get themselves stirred in but the person holding the spoon didn't believe in the necessity of variety. So the experience is now bitter for one or several people because they were left to get burned. The experience is flat, just one note that is bland.

Here's the thing about being a pot-stirrer in life; oftentimes the so-called pot-stirrer is unaware they are the pot-stirrer. Why? Because *all* they are is one ingredient, they aren't in charge of stirring. All they are doing is being themselves and living life as they are gifted to. The one holding the spoon is threatened by this because they have to be in charge and who does this person think they are to come in and suggest a different approach, way, mindset, practice? The one holding the spoon is in charge and the people listen to them, period. Except because they refuse to include everyone, the pot is not coming together and that's when toxicity happens.

The burned get labeled as pot-stirrers because they tried to incorporate themselves into the mix and the person holding the spoon doesn't have a tolerance for anything other than themselves. So either all the people need to be like the person holding the spoon or they get labeled as a bad fit. That person - that organization - is missing out on providing their employees and clients with a rich and deep experience because they refuse to incorporate all the people with their different and unique offerings.

Many, many years ago I made a recipe that we loved. But it called for an ingredient that I had 1) never heard of before and 2) dismissed (mostly because of reason #1). But one day I decided to try it. I purchased this spice I had never heard of and stirred it in. HOLY DELICIOUSNESS BATMAN! It took this dish we loved and elevated it to a whole new level of yummy. And I realized we had missing out on the super yummy and settling simply because I was unwilling to stir something in that was unfamiliar to me.

Are you the unfamiliar to a person or organization? Get in there, incorporate! Fingers crossed you have better success at getting mixed in than I did. *wink* I'm cheering for you - I believe what you have to offer can and will take people and organizations to new, amazing levels if they will take a chance and stir you in to the mix.

Are you the person who is holding the spoon and reluctant to stir because you want to be ingredient number one? GET OVER YOURSELF. You are wasting the offerings and talents of people in your life and organization because of your pride. You are missing out, your organization's employees and clients are missing out on a deeper and richer experience because of your silly pride.

Start stirring, you will not regret it.