Ross Geller Tells Me What To Do

There's this later episode of Friends in which Chandler and Monica are getting married. (#sorrynotsorry for that spoiler alert - what do you mean you haven't watched Friends yet?!) Chandler has disappeared due to cold feet and Ross is trying to find him. When Ross finally finds Chandler he talks him off the ledge by getting him to do just one thing at a time with no thought for what comes after. He gets him to take a shower while not thinking about what comes later. Then he gets him to put clothes on while not thinking about what comes later. And so it goes until Chandler finds himself watching Monica walk down the aisle to meet and marry him. By then he's calmed down because he faced his fear one small step at a time, not all at once.

The other day I heard Ross tell me to just get out of bed, nothing more. See, I didn't want to. I physically was able but mentally and emotionally I was stuck in bed, unable to face the day. I thought about that episode and Ross encouraging Chandler to take those small steps so I got out of bed. I had an appointment that day and I felt very unwilling to go. I wanted to pick up the phone and cancel. But Ross told me to take a shower while not thinking about what comes later. And then he told me to put on clothes because I couldn't go around naked. So I did. And so it went until I found myself in the parking lot where the appointment was.

Call it coincidence, call it whatever you want but in my appointment - the one I was able to get to with the help of Ross - my doctor told me to take small steps and keep my eyes on the task in front of me, not the door I needed to walk out of an hour from then. Basically, she was telling me what Ross had just that morning.

This inability to even get out of bed isn't fear based for me, it's my continuing struggle with depression. It's when my eyes open for the first time each morning and my first thought is, "I.can't. I.just.can't." But then nature prompts me to get up. Literally. So I'm up, what now? Ross, and my doctor and my therapist (oh I didn't mention she also chimed in on this?), suggests I stay up and brush my teeth or shower, something that keeps me up for just a few more minutes. Those few minutes tumble on each other like a domino train that has been started and before I know it I am in my car and adulting. And the depression doesn't win that time because as I take each step and progress toward adulting for the day I discover that maybe, just maybe, I can. I can interact with people. I can stay out of my bed. For me the saying, "Keep my eye on the prize"  means each small step I take every day is a prize. My depression paralyzes me because I try to look at the whole day all at once, Ross tells me to do the next thing while not thinking about what comes later.

There's another episode of Friends where Phoebe thinks a cat is her mom reincarnated. But the friends find the cat's real owner and Ross is the only one saying Phoebe has to be told. The friends reluctantly agree and Rachel exclaims, "I hate it when Ross is right!" I imagine depression must say the same thing when I choose to listen to Ross over it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go - Ross just told me it's time to take another step toward winning over depression today.

The Care & Feeding of Someone Struggling with Depression

I've written quite a bit on my personal journey with depression. I've shared my thoughts on what it is like to be a person with depression. I've decided perhaps it is time to write some thoughts down for those who aren't depressed but who have someone in their life struggling with depression. Truly there is nothing new under the sun as there are many articles and resources out there about "what not to say to someone with depression" etc. But those articles weren't written by me, someone you *know* personally, and sometimes knowing the person who is saying it makes all the difference.

Do you know someone struggling with depression? 

Have you wondered why they go some days without practicing hygiene or why they don't respond to a text or private message you have sent them? 

Have you wondered why they seem to have enough time to binge watch Netflix but don't have time to meet you for a drink? 

Have you felt like they aren't being truthful about how they are doing when the comments they make on people's Facebook posts seem normal and upbeat but they say they are depressed? 

Have you sent them a message, you have seen they read it but didn't respond and thought they were just being rude or blowing you off? 

If any of those questions resonated with you or you have asked similar ones about someone in your life then you are in a relationship with someone who is most likely struggling with depression - and they may or may not even know it themselves.

Everything each of us does takes a certain amount of energy. For some people the more interaction they have with people the more energized they become - they are called extroverts because of how they are energized. Other people, like myself, are drained by interaction with people - especially people we don't know at all or well. People who are drained by interaction with others get their energy replenished by spending time alone to recharge - these are introverts. This has nothing to do with depression because regardless of how you get energy you can be gripped by depression, but I bring up energy because it's important to the care & feeding of those with depression. 

A person who is depressed has low to zero energy for pretty much anything - even if they normally have high energy when in a healthy emotional state. For example, some days taking a shower requires digging deep into energy reserves. Some days energy is easier to come by but depending on how many people I have to interact with depends on how quickly that energy is used up. On lower energy days I don't even have the ability to respond to texts or private messages on Facebook, and I am definitely not answering the phone if it rings. Those who have never experienced true depression (which is very different than being sad) find it very hard to understand these low-to-no energy levels that keep those who are depressed from being unable to even respond to a text. It takes no real energy to respond to a text right? Wrong. Wrong if you are a depressed person. Any kind of interaction, virtual or in person, takes energy that sometimes we just don't have. When I'm having one of those days and I see texts come through I sigh - deeply. Because I know I just can't. I can't find the energy to try and find the words to respond or try to find the enthusiasm to respond or to answer the question that perhaps is being asked. And it doesn't matter who it is - my parents, my husband, my three's and twelve's, my children, etc - if I don't have the energy I don't have the energy, period. And to try and conjure it makes me even more exhausted. People who don't have depression covering them can work up the energy to do what needs to be done, people with depression can but it comes at a great cost, at least in my life it does. 

My most recent experiences with depression came at a time when I didn't have the luxury to stay in bed with the covers over my head like I wanted. I had to get up each day, go to work, interact with co-workers - some of which were triggers for my depression, do my job....basically I had to work up enough energy to get through an 8 hour work day and each night I sat in my recliner, unable to talk to my family or do stuff around the house or socialize with friends. The next day I had to do it all over again. Weekends I never strayed far from my recliner and I holed up trying to fill up my energy reserves for the work week ahead of me. Could people at work tell I was depressed? For the most part, no. I worked it and faked it until I made it each day but it was personally expensive. I had nothing left for family and friends. It was exhausting. 

So, how can you participate in the care & feeding of someone in your life who is gripped by depression? Here's a few ideas based on my experiences:

1) Understand they hate this depression and what it does to them more than anyone else does. It's not their choice to be this way in this season or for the entirety of their life. 

2) Be patient with them - give them the space they need, they will communicate and interact with you when they are able. 

3) Find ways to let them know you are not going anywhere, that when they are ready you are there for them. I have friends who find ways to keep engaged with me but it's no pressure for me - like talking about TV shows, books, and things that are easy to talk about but don't feel like too much effort is involved. 

4) Get on Voxer! You can leave each other messages and it's a no pressure way for them to respond back to you when they have some energy. I have friends who pop on to Voxer just to say they are thinking of me and wanted me to hear their voice. When I have the capability I can leave them a message back. It makes us feel connected especially in the times when I am radio silent. 

5) Don't assume that because they are commenting on Facebook posts or other social media platforms that they are not struggling with their depression. Social media has become a way for shy people, depressed people, socially awkward people, etc to be social without leaving their comfort zone. They can appear to be extroverted or happy or socially adept but not actually be. Social media is a big mask that we all can use - and probably do use to some extent - to hide behind. 

6) When your person engages be grateful for their interaction and engage back! Don't feel all snippy about the lack of interaction they have had with you and everyone else. Just be grateful. 

7) Don't take their radio silence personally. Don't make their inability to engage about you, it's not personal. 

8) Don't be passive aggressive and make comments or behave in ways that try to induce them to guilt that they aren't behaving the way you want them to. Remember - they hate this about themselves more than anyone else does. 

Being in a relationship with someone who is depressed takes patience, a lot of it. In all my seasons, content or depressed, I try to make sure the people in my life know I appreciate them - I appreciate their willingness to be patient with me when I go radio silent, I appreciate their enthusiasm for my ability to be present and engaged when I can be, I appreciate them not pressing me to conjure up energy I don't have, and I appreciate them still calling me friend even when I'm not a very good one. Some people in my life aren't able to have patience with me, we've drifted apart. That's okay, I get it. The ones sticking it out with me are worth more than gold, I know it can be hard to be in a relationship with me. 

If you have experience with this, either as the depressed person or as the person who loves someone struggling with depression, what are your tips for the care & feeding of depressed people? 

Radio Silence

{Continued Tales of Melancholia}

When the static begins I notice, as anyone does when static comes across the airwaves. Before fiddling with the dial to try and adjust past the static I wait to see if it corrects itself. Sometimes I know I'm just in a "dead spot" and in a matter of seconds the static will disappear and the frequency will be crystal clear again. But other times the static persists and so I start to fiddle with the dial - go up just a smidge, go down just a smidge. When my fiddling doesn't change the static I go radio silent. That static is annoying, right?

As it turns out static doesn't happen just on the airwaves, it happens in my life too. Sometimes the static that begins is a blip, a momentary "dead spot" that I know will disappear after a good night's sleep or a book (or two) read. But when the static doesn't clear up I start fiddling with my dials - adjust a smidge here and a smidge there. And when the fiddling doesn't change the static I go radio silent. My transmitter needs some maintenance.

The static comes without warning and I have yet to figure out its triggers. At first I thought it might be time of year/season related but then I went radio silent when I didn't expect. So the conclusion is it happens when it happens and I need to stayed tuned in to myself. The problem with the static that leads me to radio silence is I go silent with everyone in my life - without warning or notice I basically drop off the grid, I go underground, I retreat. I go silent.

Things have been static the past month or so. I've been fiddling with my dials but in the past few days I have noticed that I'm off the grid as much as I can be considering I work full time. Going radio silent shows up in different ways. I watch more TV, I read less, I have to talk myself out of bed and into life every day, I'm listless, I'm indifferent, I can't find energy to respond to the simplest of texts, I procrastinate, I quit engaging with my 3's and 12's, and more.

I know what dials to fiddle with. I may up my morale boosting activities, purposely schedule coffee and lunch with friends, take naps as often as I can, find a project at home or work to focus on, give myself some space to clear the static, I keep to my routine and commitments as much as possible. And sometimes that fiddling works and hardly anyone is the wiser to the static I just had to clear.

I go radio silent when the fiddling doesn't work and that static gets so annoying that I have to power down. I cannot gather myself enough to even send out an alert to people who should know I'm dropping off the grid. It just happens and I leave in the silence people who I love and care about and who love and care about me. And then one day, out of the blue (pun intended), I'm powered back on and no static is present. My transmitter is working again.

I can't explain these static filled and silent times. And they make me feel guilty for friends and family lost in my radio silence, perplexed at why the static didn't clear, literally exhausted physically and mentally. I wonder when I power back on who will still be hanging around, understanding that I had retreated not because of them but because of me, loving me in spite of my sudden and confusing silence. I don't blame people when they drift away - it's hard to be in close relationship with someone who goes radio silent with no warning. I'm always awed when people close in around me even though I'm not aware they have until the static clears and I'm back on the air.

I work for a radio station so I have learned a very small amount about the airwaves, transmitters, and such. When we have storms in our various markets and the signal goes to static or silent we hear about it from our listeners. I imagine over the years we have lost some listeners in some of our markets that seem to perpetually be static or silent but we also have retained a lot of listeners because they understand things happen and as wonderful as technology is, it is also subject to breakdown from time to time. We are grateful for the listeners who hang in there with us, through static and silence. I, too, am grateful in my own personal life for those who hang in there with me, through the static and silence.

Showing Up For My Life

Today my eyes cracked open and I saw the time and I groaned.  I literally had to pep talk myself out of bed this morning and I heard myself say, "Beth, show up for your life today." SIGH.  And another part of me replied back, "I'm not sure I can." SIGH. After a few minutes of back and forth I dragged myself out of bed and tried to engage with the new day.

It's a hard time of year for me. Getting dark around 5 pm certainly doesn't help.  I feel like I need to go into hibernation mode along with the bears. Frankly I feel a little jealous of them.  I mean, I've stored up the fat already.  A few weeks ago I read this fascinating article about a guy in Maine who had lived as a hermit for almost 30 years.  I confess, I was a little envious of his ability to pull it off. Although I would have picked someplace warmer to seclude myself from society. A couple of the Maine winters almost killed him.

It seems to me that one day the hermit woke up in his real life and heard, "Show up for your life today," and he couldn't.  Maybe he didn't even try to pep talk himself into showing up. So he went into hibernation mode instead.  While I feel envious, I also know I can't do that.  That isn't healthy.  I need to continue to engage with humans and responsibilities.  I need to be brave enough to continue to face hard things and wrestle through them. I need to work through mistakes and flaws. I need to set myself aside and be there for others. But lately I've had to do a lot of pep talking to get myself out of the house.

Depression is a tricky thing. I think I might be handling it okay and then BAM! It's got me in a half nelson and I'm headed toward a face plant on the mat called life. Last year I didn't think I would need meds again, I thought I had enough tools to help me combat the depression going that far in me.  I was wrong. So I went back to my doctor, found a counselor, and started again.

Depression keeps me in a place of humility and gratefulness.  Yes, gratefulness. That hasn't changed with this go round of black clouds. One of the things that I am grateful for is the humility it is developing in me.  It keeps me from judging others harshly, and it keeps me sensitive toward those who are struggling.

For the past couple of months the idea of showing up for my life has exhausted me. Just thinking about the energy it will take to get into a shower, get dressed, get into the car and drive makes me want to go back to bed.  But I'm fighting. I'm fighting to stay present in my life.  It's the reason why I force myself to go to certain social events, why I extend past myself to others, why I continue to read books and write and leave voice messages for people on What's App. Having the voices of people who love me despite me in my world, even though they are miles away, motivates me to stay engaged in my life.  I'm fighting to stay present in my life by continuing to look for more ways to assist at work, if I weren't fighting to stay present I would be doing the bare minimum to get by.  But I know I need to engage so I'm learning new things, volunteering for things, and remaining pro-active.  And I'm exhausted.  Showing up for my life is exhausting but I'm doing it as best I can in this season.

And where I just don't have the energy to show up and participate my husband has stepped in and taken it on.  He's been doing the grocery shopping among other things. He's generous in giving me space to show up and participate in a time frame that won't freak me out.

Showing up for life takes courage.  Some days it feels impossible, other days it's rather easy. But I believe it takes courage every day no matter what to show up and participate in this life we've each been given.  And it is a choice.  We have a choice about first of all, showing up and then secondly, participating.  I've showed up a social events or meetings but not participated, so while my physical body is present I am mentally and emotionally absent.  Maybe that's okay every now and then but it shouldn't be the norm.

Have you been showing up for your life?  More importantly, have you been participating once you make an appearance?  What might be keeping you from engaging in life? Are there things you can change or do differently to prompt action?  Or maybe it's not you having a tough time appearing in your life, maybe it's someone you know.  How could you help them? Encourage them? 

*Perspectives: On Depression

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  It's okay to have different ones!

You may or may not know that in the past few years I have come out of a season of deep depression. And I still struggle with mild depression from time to time.*  In an effort to dispel some of the lies and shame that the Church in particular attaches to depression I thought I would take a chance and share parts of my story in order to bring perhaps a clearer and honest perspective to this issue. Last week was "Mental Health Awareness Week" and so this post that I've been thinking through for a while now comes at a good time. By the way, not everyone who struggles with depression is going to feel the way I do about it.  This is my own personal account.  Everyone has a different story and experience with it.

Did I hear you gasp when you read that I have been depressed and am publicly admitting it?  :)  Then let me take it a step further.  I was in such a bad place that my wonderful, Godly biblical counselor recommended I take medication for it.  GASP.  I know.  It's okay.  Just breathe.  It's one thing to take the meds and struggle with the depression but it's a whole other thing to publicly admit it within the Church especially.  And while it is true that Church opinion of depression has softened a bit in the past few years they are still a long way off from "being there" for people who struggle for brief seasons or for life with depression.  I can now speak from personal experience and I think that maybe that was one of the reasons I walked through my season.  I needed more understanding, I needed more empathy, I needed more insight.  As a counselor I needed to acquire those things so that I could be a better counselor, a better friend, a better person.  I, unknowingly, needed my held beliefs about depression and medications for depression to be challenged by God.  And I'm grateful.

Yes, you read that right.  I am grateful for the season of depression God allowed in my life.

Let me give you the abridged version.
One day I felt...unsettled.  Then a few days later I started crying. Then I stopped answering my phone, responding to emails, getting dressed (I was working from home at the time). I started sitting on my couch a lot watching mindless TV, I took naps because no matter how much sleep I was getting I was exhausted all of the time.  It took every ounce of energy I had to drive my children to school each day. I felt like a deep, dark pit had swallowed me up.  I was perplexed.  What, I wondered, was happening to me?  I had stopped the crying jags but now I just felt...nothing.  I was numb to life.  What, I wondered, had happened to me?
I finally, because I am a counselor after all, pulled myself up off the couch and called a counselor I had seen a few years prior.  I put myself in a car and drove to her office.  I huddled in her office, wrapped in a cardigan and confusion, and told her I was depressed but I couldn't figure out why and I actually was too numb to care why.  (That's when I knew I needed some outside help.)  My counselor listened and said, "Let's try *this* before we try *this*."  And so for a few weeks we tried a few different things to see if I could begin to distance myself from the fog that had enveloped me.  It wasn't working.  In her previous career she had been a nurse.  She said, "How do you feel about meds short term?"  I was desperate to feel something other than numbness so I said, "yes" and she explained her thoughts behind meds. Clearly something was needed to get the fog cleared enough that I would want to even begin to address what had led me into this deep, dark pit.  She sent me to my Doctor. He's a family friend, he gave me this quickie 5 question "test" which I failed and he said, "Let's try it."  It was the lowest dosage you could take next to taking nothing.  I started taking it and hoping it would be enough.  In time, it was.  I began to have days where the fog thinned and I could see shadows of life again.  My counselor's voice was able to cut through the illogical thoughts and feelings this deep and dark pit had created.  I felt some days like I was swimming up toward the surface of the water after being submerged for too long.  I could answer an email or two, but the phone was still off limits (still is actually, but I'm not sure why). There were days where I didn't dread leaving the house although I was sure glad to get back to it.  And eventually I could talk and process again, I could be gone from the house for extended periods of time without totally seizing up in anxiety, I climbed out of pajamas and started wearing clothes again, I answered more emails.
As the fog started to clear I was able to begin to look long and hard at the possibilities and the reasons I had landed in this strange and isolating place.  And I started to see that for this season I was going to have to focus on taking care of me if I was ever going to emerge so that I could continue to take care of others.  I drew some boundaries, made some relationship decisions, I withdrew from certain places or activities that caused too much anxiety.  I began to engage in things that I could handle and could be categorized as "soul care". I hadn't read a book for pleasure in a few years, I had been reading non-fiction personal development books so I put those down and picked up fiction again and rediscovered an important fact about me - I need to be reading fiction mixed with non-fiction as a way of taking care of myself, it was - it is - important to me. I was having a hard time handling large crowds of people, especially ones I felt like I needed to make small talk with, so I stopped attending church services (which led to me leaving traditional church altogether but that part of the story is a very different post *grin*).  There were other things I did to bring some balance back to my life but you get the idea I am sure.
Eventually I was doing good. My counselor and I had worked through some important things, the meds were keeping me engaged in life, and I was seeing more sunny days than foggy ones. Just about the time I was feeling good my husband and I decided I needed to find a job outside of the home that provided more income than what I was making. So I, in hesitation because I still wasn't too keen on being out in public and not having the option to wear pajamas for the day, applied and landed, of all jobs, a front desk position at a fairly busy ministry organization.  Not only would I be out in public and have to wear clothing but I was going to be "the face" of this ministry Monday through Friday 5 hours a day AND have to talk to people and be sociable. Talk about a turnaround from couch sitting and days spent in solitude! But it came at a good time, I was in a good enough place to take the job and allow it to be part of the catalyst for being able to fully emerge from the deep and dark pit.  I weaned off of the meds I was taking but had a greater understanding for their purpose and a deeper empathy for those who needed to be on them long term.
If you can believe it, that is the short version.  And since that time I still go through periods of mild depression where I have to pull back a little from life and examine why I'm feeling unsettled and do what I need to do to regroup.  But my periods of mild depression now are brief and manageable.  They are usually marked by an avoidance of emails, texts, and phone calls. My social media use slows down. I begin to make excuses for not participating in things that require me being away from home and in clothes.  You know, things like that. But I can manage it much better now, plus it is probably very helpful that I do have a job outside of the home that forces me to interact with life.  I probably won't need to return to meds because I have learned how to catch myself and do what it takes to work through it so the fog doesn't envelope me again and because my depression isn't as severe as what others do experience.

So where does the gratefulness come in?  I alluded to it above. It gave me deeper understanding, empathy, and insight into those that struggle with depression.  I believe it has given my spirit a softness for hurting people that I didn't have before.  It helped me understand grace in new and deeper ways. It removed from me any fringes of judgement towards those with depression.  And in a lot of ways it introduced me to continued freedom in my life.  As I said above at the beginning, not everyone who struggles with depression is going to feel the way I do about it.  This is my own personal account.  Everyone has a different story and experience with it.

Here's what I want to say to the Church and its uneasy acknowledgment of depression:
Church, breathe, it's OKAY.
It doesn't mean the person doesn't have faith in Christ.  It doesn't mean the person doesn't trust Christ.  It doesn't mean the person is embroiled in deep sin.  Meds don't mean the person is weak and lacking.  I googled "christian books about depression" and several links came up.  There are those talking about depression but in the churches, on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, if someone dares to utter "I think I'm depressed" people start murmuring and advising the person to claim joy instead and just deny the depression.  *You* don't think that person has already tried that?  *You* don't think they have already tried to climb out of their pit by themselves?  Is it best to try and deny it (the equivalent of stuffing it and trying to ignore it)?  Do *you* really think it is helpful to tell them that they brought it on themselves by thinking it into existence?  Did you know some of the greatest people in the Word of God experienced depression and at least one of them was not in sin, in fact he was called righteous by God!
I think the Church is uneasy with depression because it seems so contrary to God and faith. If you believe in God and trust him then how could you be "sad" (depression isn't just sadness by the way, oftentimes it is manifested in many other ways)?  We say with our mouths that we are flawed people with wounded hearts but when someone actually exhibits it we feel uneasy and uncomfortable.  We don't like the implications that we too could experience the fog of depression.  We don't like to see the emotional suffering of someone who says they love God because what does that then perhaps mean about God? The unease of the Church centers around God and the doubts about him that depression can introduce or increase.  And we don't like to admit that sometimes we doubt God.  GASP.  I just got you again didn't I?  Well, let me say it again. Sometimes we doubt God and guess what?  God's okay with that!  He is.  We aren't okay with it but he is. He is not threatened by it or disappointed by it or even surprised by it.  But we are and we put that on others when they make us uncomfortable with their depression.
Right after the darkest part of my depression came to an end, I entered into an in-depth study of the book of Job.  It was the perfect thing to study as I was coming out of the darkest moments.  It helped me see what God has to say about doubting him, depression, friendships, etc.  It definitely contributed to where I am at today in terms of my beliefs about mental health and the character of God.  It was such a powerful study that I am trying to organize it all into notes and perhaps a study that I can share with others as I feel led.  Through my study of Job God challenged me on several levels about how I have responded to people in the past who have been hurting, on how I view him, on how I respond to my own hurting moments.  These revelations by him led to my observations about the Church missing it on "being there" for the wounded.

Perhaps you don't like or don't agree with my conclusions about the Church and its response to depression. Okay.  I know what I know through personal experience, through going through counseling, through observation, through hearing others talk about it as if it were a sin.  I'm not sure that unless you personally experience it you can really get it.  And that's okay.  I'd rather you not personally experience depression but I would rather you find some empathy for those who struggle, I would rather you find some grace and mercy and leave judgement to someone else, I would rather you be okay with not totally understanding and yet still be able to sit, stand, or walk alongside someone who might be experiencing it without trying to "fix" them, or hope they can ignore it, or make them feel guilty about feeling the way they do and being a Christian.  (Be honest, you know exactly what I mean and you know either you've done it or you know people who have done this.)  I have found that while the Church at large says they have empathy and support those who have depression the local Church bodies don't always live that out.  It's easy to make the grand and "politically/spiritually correct" statements but it's not so easy to live them out when someone shows up in your life with it and suddenly you are confronted with insecurities, unease, doubts, and even some fear.  

This isn't a complete post about my perspective on depression.  It's lacking in several thoughts but I'm hoping it at least gives *you* a better picture of what depression can be, does, and looks like in my life and perhaps in others.  Allow your ideas and beliefs to be challenged and you will become a better friend, spouse, a better person because of it.

*It's kind of ironic that I'm writing this post at this time since I am, in fact, struggling with some mild depression as of late.  In fact tonight I had a mild panic attack and had to pull back from something so that I didn't freak people out or embarrass my daughter. And you know what?  I'm okay admitting that to *you*.