Showing Up For My Life

Today my eyes cracked open and I saw the time and I groaned.  I literally had to pep talk myself out of bed this morning and I heard myself say, "Beth, show up for your life today." SIGH.  And another part of me replied back, "I'm not sure I can." SIGH. After a few minutes of back and forth I dragged myself out of bed and tried to engage with the new day.

It's a hard time of year for me. Getting dark around 5 pm certainly doesn't help.  I feel like I need to go into hibernation mode along with the bears. Frankly I feel a little jealous of them.  I mean, I've stored up the fat already.  A few weeks ago I read this fascinating article about a guy in Maine who had lived as a hermit for almost 30 years.  I confess, I was a little envious of his ability to pull it off. Although I would have picked someplace warmer to seclude myself from society. A couple of the Maine winters almost killed him.

It seems to me that one day the hermit woke up in his real life and heard, "Show up for your life today," and he couldn't.  Maybe he didn't even try to pep talk himself into showing up. So he went into hibernation mode instead.  While I feel envious, I also know I can't do that.  That isn't healthy.  I need to continue to engage with humans and responsibilities.  I need to be brave enough to continue to face hard things and wrestle through them. I need to work through mistakes and flaws. I need to set myself aside and be there for others. But lately I've had to do a lot of pep talking to get myself out of the house.

Depression is a tricky thing. I think I might be handling it okay and then BAM! It's got me in a half nelson and I'm headed toward a face plant on the mat called life. Last year I didn't think I would need meds again, I thought I had enough tools to help me combat the depression going that far in me.  I was wrong. So I went back to my doctor, found a counselor, and started again.

Depression keeps me in a place of humility and gratefulness.  Yes, gratefulness. That hasn't changed with this go round of black clouds. One of the things that I am grateful for is the humility it is developing in me.  It keeps me from judging others harshly, and it keeps me sensitive toward those who are struggling.

For the past couple of months the idea of showing up for my life has exhausted me. Just thinking about the energy it will take to get into a shower, get dressed, get into the car and drive makes me want to go back to bed.  But I'm fighting. I'm fighting to stay present in my life.  It's the reason why I force myself to go to certain social events, why I extend past myself to others, why I continue to read books and write and leave voice messages for people on What's App. Having the voices of people who love me despite me in my world, even though they are miles away, motivates me to stay engaged in my life.  I'm fighting to stay present in my life by continuing to look for more ways to assist at work, if I weren't fighting to stay present I would be doing the bare minimum to get by.  But I know I need to engage so I'm learning new things, volunteering for things, and remaining pro-active.  And I'm exhausted.  Showing up for my life is exhausting but I'm doing it as best I can in this season.

And where I just don't have the energy to show up and participate my husband has stepped in and taken it on.  He's been doing the grocery shopping among other things. He's generous in giving me space to show up and participate in a time frame that won't freak me out.

Showing up for life takes courage.  Some days it feels impossible, other days it's rather easy. But I believe it takes courage every day no matter what to show up and participate in this life we've each been given.  And it is a choice.  We have a choice about first of all, showing up and then secondly, participating.  I've showed up a social events or meetings but not participated, so while my physical body is present I am mentally and emotionally absent.  Maybe that's okay every now and then but it shouldn't be the norm.

Have you been showing up for your life?  More importantly, have you been participating once you make an appearance?  What might be keeping you from engaging in life? Are there things you can change or do differently to prompt action?  Or maybe it's not you having a tough time appearing in your life, maybe it's someone you know.  How could you help them? Encourage them? 

Fainthearted

Life takes courage doesn't it?  And the older I get the more I realize that pretty much every aspect of life takes courage.  I have to be brave in my marriage, bold in my parenting, confident in my relationships, and audacious in living out the mission I am called to.

But what about the days that you crack your eyes open and feel the weariness of life in your bones and you want to pull the covers over your head and escape into sleep once again?  What about those days? The fainthearted do just that, they roll over on their side and pull the sheet up and over themselves to keep the reality of life at bay.  The ones who aren't fainthearted but aren't entirely present will take a few minutes to rise and face the day but they will eventually get on their feet.  And the ones who have determined to not let weariness win will get up and face the day with spirit.  Here's the secret about the determined, even they have weariness of life in their bones.  But the determined are unflinching in their resolve to not let weariness win over courage.  They believe that somewhere deep within themselves their courage is a greater strength than the weakness of life's realities.

I'm feeling so fainthearted these days.  My life as a parent is really weighing down my heart.  We've hit a rough season.  I confess that I feel so weary in parenting right now that all I really want to do is pull the covers over my head.  I don't want to be present and I'm not feeling all that determined.  That's the confession of my flesh.  The Spirit in me gives me the courage I need to do and say the hard things.  My bones protest as I rise but I know I have to rise.  I have a responsibility, given to me by God, to raise these children to the very best of my ability and with his strength and wisdom.  I have a responsibility to make sure they are as healthy as possible not just physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well.  And sometimes that responsibility means the hub and I have to do and say some hard things.  Things that the redheads think are unfair but things we know in the long-run are ensuring health.  Things that they might not see as protection in the moment but we know are.

In my life the weariness of this task comes when the redheads forget that we are for them and not against them.  When they slander us to their friends and we find out.  When they make choices to lie about "little" things so then we can't trust they are telling the truth with the "bigger" stuff.  When they figure out ways to subtly manipulate us and we know it.  When they disrespect us, take advantage of us, and do it in such sly and silent ways that it is almost missed.  When they hurt our feelings because parents can get, and do get, their feelings hurt too.

When I held them as newborns this wasn't part of the plan.  :)  Oh, don't think I was living some fairy tale that my children would be the ones who wouldn't rebel or be angry or have problems.  But I had hope that it would be more of the minor stuff than the major stuff.  And it is, depending on your personal definition of minor and major.  But even the minor stuff can lead to weariness.  And I am weary with anxiety over them, with sadness that trust has been broken and now we must rebuild - which is so hard to do, with confusion as to where it turned around on us, with fear that I will lose my precious babies.  I am weary with the hurt feelings and with trying to remember it isn't personal even when it feels like it is.

At some point, as my Mama pointed out the other day, "this too shall pass".  And I know that in my head but travel about 18 inches down to my heart and I'm not so sure.  At some point I won't be as fainthearted over parenting and it will shift to another area of life.  Until recently it was marriage, now it isn't.  At various times it's been with relationships, and to love others as God does, and has asked me to, is downright hard sometimes and I can too easily become fainthearted in that mission.

There is help and relief for the weariness but I keep forgetting about it.  I forget that I don't have to shoulder the burden I feel in parenting, or marriage, or relationships.  I can transfer the burden to shoulders far more capable than mine.  But I forget it too often.  And when I do remember, I struggle with how to transfer the burden and not try to shoulder some of it still.  But when I can give the burden to someone who can carry it there rushes in this amazing peace and rest and I no longer feel the need to pull the covers over my head.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Put My yoke upon your shoulders—it might appear heavy at first, but it is perfectly fitted to your curves. Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. When you are yoked to Me, your weary souls will find rest. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

What has been weighing you down recently?  What tempts you to stay in bed with the covers pulled over your head these days?  Have you thought about transferring that burden to the more capable shoulders of the One who created you?  How could that change the way you feel or respond to the current cause of being fainthearted?