A most unusual life compass

"Truth is the torch that gleams through the fog without dispelling it." Claude Adrien Helvetius

It came out of nowhere. One second it was clear and the next second I was enveloped in fog as thick as a hearty stoup. It was so bad that I could barely see three feet before me. A car happened to be in front of me so I accelerated just enough to stay close and follow. They didn't seem as intimidated as I by the thick fog. I followed for a few minutes but their speed was making me feel uneasy so I backed off. The fog closed in around me. I started to panic. What should I do? Should I pull over and wait for it to clear? That could be hours! Another car came up from behind and passed me, going at a speed I thought was stupid considering the intensity of the fog. I spotted the white line to my right and was reminded that in driver's ed all those years ago we were told that when in doubt follow the white line. Right on top of this practical reminder I considered that my tendency to follow others who may or may not be overly confident could result in a huge mess.

And then it all became clear in my heart.

In the past I have followed others who were more confident navigating the unknown. And even though they were going at a speed that made me uneasy I followed because I had forgotten about the white line. God was using this night as a reminder that he is the white line in my life and if I follow him I will get to my destination safely. Following others is never a guarantee I will arrive safely. I may crash before the destination, all the while the white line is right there as my compass. "Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the desert. By day the pillar of cloud did not cease to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night to shine on the way they were to take." (Nehemiah 9:19 NIV)

So take a deep breath, Beth, and look at the white line. Follow it.

My heart was beating hard, my hands were clammy, my stomach churning. I focused on the white line, my hands gripping the steering wheel. I leaned forward and continued. Other cars passed me at breakneck speeds, but I ignored them and kept my eyes on the white line. God's revelation to me echoing over and over in my head. The truth of it being driven home as my heart and mind reviewed all the crash and burns I have experienced because I had taken my eyes off the white line. I followed that white line all the way to my neighborhood and pulled into the garage with relief. I sat there for a minute before going in.

Okay, Lord I got that lesson loud and clear. I really get it. No matter what I do or what I am called upon to do I gotta keep my eyes fixed on him.

The gift of the moment

This moment. That moment. Our days are made up of moments. I've been taking a crash course in moments. God is the instructor. It is a TOUGH course! I have pop quizzes daily ~ and it is the same question every day!

Beth, how will you respond to THIS moment?

Some moments are made for laughter. "A cheerful heart is good medicine,but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

Some moments are made for tears. "He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." Psalm 126:6

There are moments for repentance. "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

And then there are the moments of grace. "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

I have discovered that with God's grace I can be laughing so hard one minute that I am not breathing and the very next minute I can be weeping with the compassion of God for someone.

I am learning that each moment is from the hand of God. They are ALL his doing, whether they are disappointments or victories. Each moment is ripe with purpose, with potenial. My response determines how they will impact my life. Will I despise the moments of my life or will I embrace them?

It's time for letting go//All of our if only's//'Cause we don't have a time machine//And even if we did//Would we really want to use it?//Would we really want to go change everything//'Cause we are who and where and what we are for now//And this is the only moment we can do anything about//So breathe it in and breathe it out//Listen to your heartbeat//There's a wonder in the here and now//It's right there in front of you//And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment//There's only One who knows//What's really out there waiting//In all the moments yet to be//And all we need to know//Is He's out there waiting//To Him the future's history//And He has given us a treasure called right now//And this is the only moment we can do anything about//So breathe it in and breathe it out//Listen to your heartbeat//There's a wonder in the here and now//It's right there in front of you//And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment//And if it brings you tears//Then taste them as they fall//Let them soften your heart//And if it brings you laughter//Then throw your head back//And let it go//Let it go, yeah//You gotta let it go//And listen to your heartbeat//And breathe it in and breathe it out//And listen to your heartbeat//There's a wonder in the here and now//It's right there in front of you//And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment (Miracle of the Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman from the new release This Moment)

I'm making the intentional choice to breathe all the moments of my life in. I can think of no better way to live in the moment God has gifted me with!

The deception of a perfect world

In my perfect world I...

am a size 6/8

am SUPER wife

am SUPER mom

need no sleep

live in a spotless house

am right with every decision I make

am the best friend anyone ever had

excel at everything I put my hand to

say all the right things at all the right moments

am the first SUPER human ever.

In my real world I...

am a size...what are you crazy?!?! A woman never gives away her weight/size!

am an average wife

am an okay mom

need more and more sleep the older I get

live in a house that is "lived in"

make wrong decisions at least once a day

am not the best friend anyone has ever had

fail more than I excel

open mouth and insert foot more often than not

just blend in with the rest of the human race.

Everyone has their perfect world. But I don't know anyone who lives it.

I am confronted with letting go of my perfect world in order to embrace God's world. I encounter God's world everyday and it clashes with mine and then the gauntlet is thrown down. His or mine? Choosing his always means dying to my definition of "priority".

I've experienced the freedom of picking up the gauntlet and accepting the challenge of dying to myself so why do I still fight it? Why am I faced with it the minute my eyes open to a new day to the minute I close my eyes to rest? Because my perfect world priorities are all about me and not about him at all. My priorities are skewed and don't serve anyone but myself. On the surface they may appear to serve others but really...it is all about me.

But when I choose God's priorities I am taking a stand. I am making a statement. I am choosing surrender. Choosing God's world over mine makes me think of Isaiah 40:29-31, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." My world really produces weariness because it is never ending, there is always something I could be doing. God's world gives me strength because it relieves me of false responsibilites ~ things I think I should do but really don't need to or shouldn't because they are meant for someone else to do. When I choose to let go of my world I suddenly cease flapping my wings and glide with the wings of God. Immediate freedom.

Choosing God's world means I am saying that the God of the work I do is more important than doing the work of God (wish I could take credit for THAT profound thought but alas the credit belongs to Dr. Carolyn Tennent!). It means that I must allow the busyness of my world to die so that the life of his world can be birthed in me (1 Corinthians 15:36, "What you sow does not come to life unless it dies.").

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." (Matthew 16:24-25 NIV) YEP. Here's the gauntlet once again.

Confessions of a jealous heart

I'm glad nobody was around. With every word I read I slipped further down in my chair, my head dropped a bit more, and my heart traveled slowly toward the bottoms of my feet.

No, this wasn't a rebuke driving this response to the words I was reading. It was envy, jealousy, insecurity, doubt. On the heels of that would surely come the rebuke...from God.

From the time I was young I loved to craft words into works of art. Art that I longed to touch the hearts of people with and, as I have aged, honor the work of God in my life.

I think I was in 6th grade and my parents got me a Brother Word Processor for Christmas. I was in heaven. I spent hours in my room churning out story after story. Nothing profound or meaningful. I was just beginning to explore the world of wordsmiths. Eventually I began keeping a journal and it became the place that God began to push me to share with others the words coming from my heart.

The desire to write, the quest to be good at it, the hope that God might use it have compelled me to take steps where I am not comfortable, to reach for dreams I call impossible, to fight against the insecurities that flood me.

And it was the insecurity pushing me down that day I read, with an admittedly jealous heart, the words of another gifted wordsmith. As I read the blog I considered waving the white flag of surrender on my dreams of writing. In comparison to mine, this writing far exceeded anything I could ever commit to print. I felt low. I felt defeated. I felt raging jealousy. I felt horrible. I know the truth ~ God calls whom he will. If he will use a donkey to speak then surely he may choose to use me! God was gentle in his rebuke this time. In his grace he chose to do it through encouragement rather than conviction.

As I sat there seriously considering shutting down my blogs and finding a new passion ~ ridiculous I know since the passion for writing is ordained by God ~ an email popped into my in-box. "Your family Christmas letter made me weep. WEEP....you should really do more of this writing thing. :)" HUH. That was totally out of the blue. Or was it?

God knows (literally) how I struggle with being the best at something. I often find myself asking to be the best at SOMETHING, ANYTHING. Usually when I make this amazingly selfish and flesh focused request God does two things. 1) He affirms me through others and then 2) brings someone along who can do it all better than me. SIGH.

My jealousy prompts a "woe is me" pity party. It's a very unattractive attitude; whining, insecurity, tears, pouting. And God is quick to call me out in these moments. And I am getting quicker at allowing the rebuke to get my focus back on God, the giver of all gifts.

This time all it took was one email and one story to get my perspective back. God used the story to remind me that I honor him best when I give all I am to what he has gifted me in and not keep looking around wanting to be more.

*The story? Oh, it goes like this...

A story is told of a king who went to his garden one morning, only to find everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The oak tree said it was tired of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine tree. The pine was troubled because it could not bear grapes like the grapevine. The grapevine was determined to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and produce fruit as large as peaches. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall enough and fragrant like the lilac.

And so it went throughout the garden. Yet coming to a violet, the king found its face as bright and happy as ever and said, "Well, violet, I'm glad to find one brave little flower in the midst of this discouragement. You don't seem to be the least disheartened." The violet responded, "No, I'm not. I know I'm small, yet I thought if you wanted an oak or a pine or a peach tree or even a lilac, you would have planted one. Since I knew you wanted a violet, I'm determined to be the best little violet I can be."

Others may do a greater work, but you have your part to do; and no one in all God's family can do it as well as you.

Well now. How can I argue with that?

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10 NIV)

*Story taken from the Updated Version of Streams In The Desert Devotional Readings, January 7

The Retirement of NB803

I'll agree that my obsession with NB803 is strange. I'll admit that in the recesses of logic to attach any profound meaning to a pair of shoes seems to be a stretch. Yet NB803 has been the sole (no pun intended) focus of two blogs and now a third.

Believe it or not (and considering my obsession I'm going to guess you will choose to believe it) I remember the day I purchased NB803. I was training to hike Pikes Peak in 2001 and needed better footwear to carry me up the mountain. I broke them in hiking the no oxygen zone and then tested their endurance by hiking up the mountain on August day in 2001. We fell in love with each other. Something shifted in me when I had those shoes on. Courage I did not know I had seemed to flow from my feet when they were encased by NB803.

I'm a visual person, I easily attach meaning to moments, to possessions, to people. I lean on a visual to help remind me of God's truths. So it was natural to look at NB803 when desperately seeking a visual of courage as I prepared to go to Kenya in 2007 (click here to read that NB803 story).

There are seasons, if I have learned nothing else in my life I have learned that. And a couple of weeks ago I realized that the season of NB803 had come to an end. They have served me well. They have acted as God's visual reminder to me, they have reminded me over and over again of his truth in Habakkuk 3:19 (Amplified), "The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!" They have walked me through many valleys and up many mountains. But the time has come.

God has moved me on to a new season and I must leave NB803 behind with the past. "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV) I will retire them with a heart of gratitude for their service to me and then fix my heart forward and take a step into the new season God has for me.

Thanks NB803 for serving as a conduit of God and WELCOME NB540 ~ Get ready to run!