I confess! Do you?

Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) can accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power]. James 5:16 (amp)

She had asked me earlier that day if we could meet at the coffee shop. "I need to confess something to you, will you hear my confession?"
Whaaaa?
"Uh, sure?"
"Well you know in James it says that if we confess our sins to one another and pray for each other that we will be healed and I want to be healed. Will you hear me and pray for me?"
WHOA.
Mind. Blown. 

Yeah, I know what James says but nobody actually ever does it do they? But she did and does, and inspired me to work on doing the same.

I heard her, I prayed for her, and our relationship changed - it deepened, it entwined our hearts and we became inseparable in many ways. And yes, she was healed but through hearing her confession I too was set on a path of healing. Healing from the pride that kept me from being honest with people in my life about things in my life. Healing from shame that haunted me over my false steps and offenses committed - knowingly or unknowingly. I haven't arrived anywhere yet but I'm a lot more confessional than I used to be - with the people I know I can trust of course.

You don't just pick anyone to confess to. Okay, maybe in certain circumstances you do. Like when Donald Miller and his friends held confession at a carnival in college. (The true story and the movie version) But for the real personal stuff you pick someone you know will hear you, not judge you or rebuke you, will pray for you, will still love you (and perhaps love you even more), and will walk alongside of you as you seek to correct the words or actions that led to a division in a relationship or situation.

Confession has gotten a bad rap through the years. It's unfair to the many physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits confession offers. It's gotten a bad rap because humans are involved in it. Yes, us humans tend to muck it up with critical spirits, judgement, superiority, and sharing it with others when it was meant to be private. We've reduced it to saying a couple of key phrases so the ritual of it is complete. And that's the biggest muck up of all - we've reduced the practice of confession to a ritual. Anytime something is transformed into a ritual it loses the power it had.

I've been contemplating the spirituality of confession lately. Not the ritual of it but the lifestyle of it. Not all rituals are bad, but not all are good. I am guessing most started off with good intentions. But enter human nature and anything intended for good is then open to the possibility for mucking up. I should know, I'm a human and I've mucked up plenty of things. Confession transforms from a spiritual practice to a ritual when it becomes just one more thing to check off on "the list." You know what list I'm referring to correct? The "Spiritual To Do" List. You know, things like have a "quiet time", go to church on Sundays, put a five in the offering plate, etc. Most protestants don't have confession on their own list but most Catholics do. And one of the reasons protestants don't have confessional time built in to their "spiritual to do" list is because of the Catholics waaaaaaaaaaay back in the day. It had become a ritual in some churches and with some priests so kicking that ritual to the curb bumped it off the protestants to do lists. But just because some spoiled it doesn't mean it is bad, it just means humans mucked up a good thing...again.

When protestants kicked the practice of confession off the checklist for spirituality, the message became that confessing your sins, lacks, and flaws was a shameful thing to do in front of anyone but God. Wait, what about James 5:16? Oh that verse? Well James didn't actually mean it the way it's written.

Or did he?

I'm pretty sure he did. I'm pretty sure he meant it exactly as it is written. Dietrich Bonhoeffer happens to agree with me. *wink* In his book, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community, Bonhoeffer makes the case for confession one to another:
A man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person. As long as I am by myself in the confession of my sins everything remains in the dark, but in the presence of a brother the sin has to be brought into the light... Our brother has been given me that even here and now I may be made certain through him of the reality of God in His judgment and His grace (p116).
....our confessions to God often are merely confessions to ourselves, and as a result we are living in self-forgiveness rather than in real forgiveness, and so the cycle of sin continues. But when we confess to a brother, we can be certain that we are not merely confessing to ourselves, but to God, represented to us by our brother. (source)

Where the protestant practice of confession would differ from the Catholic practice is in who hears the confession. Gleaning from Bonhoeffer yet again, "....in a Christian community, one person should not serve as the confessor for all the others. When that is the case, there is a danger that the work will become routine and thus an empty sham. Worse yet, there is the danger that it will become a source of spiritual domination." (source) This is one reason why people rebelled against confessional back in the day - to have one person know ALL is too much for any one person. It will break them down and compromise and complacency are sure to happen. God created us as relational beings, to share with one another - more than one person. Be wise about it, certainly, but don't allow just one person to hold all of your confidences, some aren't meant for certain people.

When I practice a "confessional" lifestyle people squirm. I find it kind of funny - which means then I do it a little more often. *wink* For example, a couple of weeks ago I spoke at a staff meeting. I shared my spiritual life story and parts of it were a confession to my co-workers, things I felt comfortable confessing even though I wonder if it's going to come back around like a boomerang. Here's a portion of my confessions:
My mind and heart were a tangled mess of fear, lies, and self-preservation. It was evident in any conflict that arose, every relationship I had, and how I interacted with authority in my life....
I’ve had to apologize to my redheads when I’ve sinned against them, my husband and I just came out of a really rocky period that lasted way longer than we would have liked, I still get tempted by fear of man over fear of God and have to fight that temptation, I struggle with my physical health, I can be too lazy....
Because I’m not finished I don’t behave right all the time and yet God, in his grace, invites me to take a walk to talk it through anyway. 
The room was VERY quiet, I sensed a lot of internal squirming going on...and surprise - surprise that I would be so bold as to be so honest.
In fact, I've made a confession within this post. Go back and see if you can find it (hint: it is italicized). Those all "count." I was confessional when a few months ago The Chief had to have a "hard talk" with me about an interaction I had with someone else in the organization. He was squirming at the confession he felt he needed to get out of me so I offered it up to ease his discomfort.  Ha! Our human nature kicks against saying or doing anything that we perceive makes us look weak, flawed, or rotten. But guess what? We are weak and flawed and some of us are really rotten. Once you can accept that about yourself, confessing when you've mucked up goes a lot smoother. It will still make others squirm but you won't even fidget.

Why are they squirming? Because they aren't at that point yet, the need to defend self is still stronger than the desire to live without a mask.  I get it and like I said earlier - I haven't arrived anywhere yet but I'm a lot further down the road than I used to be. Now I peek out from behind the mask and 'fess up when I know I need to. Note I said when I recognize I need to, not when someone tells me I need to. Listen, I know when I've mucked up. And I believe you know when you have mucked up. We don't need to be trying to force someone to confess just because what they did or said made us uncomfortable. Maybe we needed to feel some discomfort, let's not be too quick to dismiss that feeling either. So I'm quick to be honest about my flaws, weaknesses, moments of misbehavin'. I confessed to The Chief without him having to coerce me because I knew I had misbehaved a bit. I'll own my part of it. Listen, while it might be interesting to try and navigate around a big pink elephant in the room it really cuts into life. So 'fess up to your part of the pink elephant and reduce the tension in the room by your part at least. I've been mindful about this in my own life for awhile now and it's interesting to watch reactions and hear responses. There's always surprise, as if the person hearing my confession is taken aback that I know I misbehaved or I am overweight and being lazy about it or I treated them (or someone) poorly - to offer up a few examples (and confessions!). Did you just squirm when I mentioned those few examples? Why?

If you are ever in the position to hear someone's confession I implore you to treat it and the person with grace, and if *you* should ever approach someone to confess for healing I pray you are embraced with grace.

Let's allow grace to be our seasoning of choice with one another (Colossians 4:6) and be conduits of healing in each other's lives.

What are your thoughts on confession? Do you practice it on a regular basis or not? Who do you confess to? What kind of benefits have you experienced as a result of confession?

*The God Card*

The organization I work for sends out free Bibles to our listeners at their request. We average about 300 a month and we have a partnership with a publishing company that provides us the Bibles to send out. Every month my boss and I get the report of how many Bibles were sent the month prior and the report includes any comments the listener includes. Usually it is the reason why they are requesting the free copy and I try to skim through the comments every month to be reminded of the larger picture. Sometimes I get so tangled up in the minutia of the business that I forget what's really going on "out there" and not behind the scenes.  I don't think this is uncommon. I've only ever worked for ministries and if anyone is going to survive working for a ministry they have to be mindful about the larger picture and they have to actively pursue keeping it in front of them.  Newsflash: Christian based organizations have the same office politics, scrambling for position/title, etc that secular businesses have. But in some ways it is worse in Christian organizations. Wondering why?  It's simple. Because of *The God Card*.

In case you aren't familiar with this particular method of blame shifting and manipulating let me briefly explain. You do or say something and get reprimanded for it. To avoid accepting personal responsibility or to make it seem as if what you did or said was God ordained you pull, i.e. use, *The God Card.* As in, "Well I prayed about it and God gave me the go-ahead, " or "God led me to a scripture that seemed to be clear indication..." or, my personal favorite, "Are you telling me that I don't hear from God?  Are you the only one who hears from God?" And then the conversation is shut down because nobody is willing to argue against *The God Card*.

Back to the Bibles.  In June we had a company meeting.  Okay fine, it was actually a Disco themed surprise party for the bulk of employees.  It was a first and it was amazingly successful.  It coincided with a new shipment of Bibles that had come in and my boss thought we should lay as many hands as possible on a stack of Bibles at this party-meeting and pray over them.  So we did.

Now to be fair to God we didn't tell him what to do with the Bibles or the preferred method he used along with us to get the Bibles to people.  And even if we had given him our suggestions for how the Bibles would be be distributed and used he wouldn't have listened anyway. He had a plan long before we had the idea to even pray over them.  So we prayed and asked him to send out his word through us. 

Fast forward about two months to August. Through some stumbling it is discovered that some bot in cyber space grabbed on to our Bibles url which has the word "free" in it and put it on least 6 websites that offer samples and free products to anyone. Hey everyone loves a free thing right?  Clearly. Not only did our url land on the sites for people to request a free bible, it put it on the home page under "top deals." 

The good news?  There are a lot of people out there who would like to read and study the word of God to get their curiosities satisfied or to get their questions answered or to discover who this God guy is. 

The "bad" news?  We don't have the number of Bibles we initially thought had been requested, nor do we have the means to do shipping fulfillment. 

Houston, erm I mean God, we've got a problem. In 7 days we had about 13,000 requests at the rate of about 200 per hour! It's the coolest *problem* I've heard about in a very long time.  The response to the *problem* was split.  Some of us were super excited, some of us not so much. We all, however, love God's word but sometimes the logistics can get in the way of the excitement. There was a lot of talking and brainstorming. A LOT. I was praying a lot. A LOT. This, I knew, was an opportunity and I wasn't sure how I would respond if we dismissed it because of logistics that can be worked out. 

Eventually I was in my boss' office discussing this *problem* and I reminded him, because God reminded me, about praying over those stacks of Bibles in June. His first response to me was, "That's guilt!" If you know me then you can imagine what my response back was. *grin* We also like to accuse people of using *The God Card* when we want our way to happen or we want to put people in a position of guilt so they will do what we want them to. But I wasn't using *The God Card*, God had actually used it on me! God pulled his own card when he reminded me that we prayed over those Bibles and left it up to him to distribute however he wanted.  

The only one who can pull *The God Card* and get away with it is God himself. When he uses it then we can be assured it's a legit response to something we have said or done. He doesn't use it like we do, to blame shift or manipulate.  He uses it because he knows the ins and outs of everything and sometimes we need the reminder that he does know. When God himself uses *The God Card* things get done and people listen, when we try to use *The God Card* people get annoyed and won't usually cooperate with such shenanigans.  

Yes, shenanigans. Trying to pull *The God Card* on others is folly.  I can spot the use of it a mile away and I won't give in to it. If you know me well enough you know that I rarely invoke God's name into something unless I am 100% that it is biblical and God ordained.  I don't believe in *The God Card*, it gets abused and tossed about in attempts to justify bad behavior so I refuse to use *The God Card* myself, I won't do it. But when God uses his own card with me then I perk up and I listen and respond as necessary. 

Oh, the Bibles? Well we did a lot of sorting of lists and discovered a lot of duplicates. So we eliminated duplicates and whittled the list down. Then we took another look at the list and decided to keep the names that had also given a reason for wanting the free Bible. That has us down to a number we can fulfill with Bibles and we are just going to eat the shipping because it's more important to us to be obedient to God's methods than it is to wiggle our way out of sending out his word due to silly logistics.  *whew*  I'm totally satisfied with the resolution of this *problem*, I believe we are honoring God in it. I'm also jealous because our fulfillment happens in Nashville and they are going to have a "stuffing party" and clearly I can't be in Nashville just for that!  I seem to miss out on a lot of the fun.  Oh well.  

The next time you get the brilliant idea to use *The God Card* to blame shift or manipulate try stopping. Bring that idea to a screeching halt in your mind and instead try accepting responsibility. Quit using God as your cover for bad behavior, wrong thinking, etc. Yes, God is big and can handle it but don't make him handle it.  Be a grown person and handle it yourself.  Own your stuff. Remember, only God can use his own card and "get away with it." When we try we just earn ourselves a whole bunch of disrespect from other people, isolation from authentic relationships, and a neglect of ownership for ourselves.  And when we live from those places we are just living a life full of shenanigans.  At least that's what God says.  *wink*

The Secular and The Sacred

A few years ago I did a series of posts about the silly (i.e. secular) and sacred questions that were popping up in my mind.  I never got any real answers to my questions but one.  The answer I received to a question I had not explicitly asked was this, yes.  Yes was my answer.

But what was the question?  At the end of my posts, but certainly not my questions, the only question that I really wanted an answer to was this; God, are you in all things? In all things labeled secular? In all things labeled sacred? In all things labeled silly? In all things labeled distressing? In all things labeled perplexing? In all things labeled joy? God are you in all things?  Yes was my answer.

What is the difference between the secular and the sacred?  I propose to you this answer; nothing. God is present in both, he is present in all and to take it a step further I believe, through life experience and observation, that there is no such distinction with him unless he says so.  I don't believe God lives according to our distinctions of what is secular versus what is sacred.

Over at 365 I am featuring the 'secular' and the 'sacred' holidays that happen every day. Yes, every single day there is a minimum of one 'holiday' celebrated.  On any given day life could be highlighting a debilitating disease that needs awareness and ice cream sundaes, sacred and silly. Is God in both of those?  Yes.

Living in a Christian bubble we can too easily forget that God is in all things.  That nothing has escaped his indwelling presence.  Christians tend to 'demonize' the things that rub them the wrong way, offend their idea of what scripture says, people who don't fit the cookie cutter religion (American) Christianity has become, etc.  Newsflash: God is in all things. Even the things we don't or can't understand.  Even the things that, on the surface, appear as if evil has won over. Yes, even in evil God is present.  Mind blown yet?  If not perhaps this next thought will do it. What if something we call secular God actually calls sacred?  What if?  And what if what we might call sacred God actually considers secular?  I think there's a good possibility that the 'what if' is an actuality. How could I think and say this?  Because God has already told us that he and we differ.  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Again, God doesn't live according to our ideas and ways. God operates according to his ways and methods and nothing escapes his touch, his involvement, his very presence.

Nothing escapes God which has to mean that our labels of secular and sacred don't work. It is only God's ideas of secular and sacred that matter and I get the feeling, again through life experience and observation, that he is a lot more generous with the sacred label than we are.  I've decided to leave the labeling up to God, he's already proven he's better at it.  All he asks me, and you, to do is to watch for him and see him show up in all things. Yes, all things.  

{shalom}

In my circles Shalom was always a word that 'those Jewish people' used, it wasn't for us evangelicals because we believed in Jesus and they didn't.  Yes, I realize this makes no sense but I grew up in a Baptist church and us Baptist?  Well, let's just say we don't know it all like I thought we did. Ha.

Fast forward a whole bunch of years to my 30's and my upending thanks be to God, literally. I still didn't know about Shalom except I thought it meant peace but wasn't quite sure.  I'm not good with languages and it felt foreign on my tongue.  I accepted it, however, as a word that people who believed in Jesus could also use.  People, I was making some progress!  And then scoot right up to about my year 38 on this planet. I had left traditional church, we mutually agreed we needed some time apart, and I was meeting with a group of like-hearted people in a home church setting.  This particular group observes and celebrates the Biblical Festivals and Shalom was a word that is a normal part of their vocabulary.  So I started trying it out. All these years I thought it meant peace (it does but more on that in a minute) but I had also heard mostly used as 'Aloha' is, a greeting and a farewell.  Kind of like how we crass Americans say, 'Hey' for the same purposes. Now don't get all weirded out thinking that my little home church and I were beginning and ending our conversations with each other and others by 'shaloming.'  I can honestly say that I don't believe I have ever once 'shalomed' someone in greeting or farewell.  But if you want me to, I can start. *wink*

No, our use of shalom was focused on the peace.  Shalom is peace but not just any kind of peace. Shalom is a deep peace that finds its way into every crack and crevice, that soaks in deep, that brings about wholeness and completeness.  Shalom is a very complete peace.  Jesus, my friends, he is shalom. And Jesus, my friends, wants us to experience that kind of shalom in our own lives and be so full of it that we spill it out on others and introduce them to true shalom as well.

When I first started grasping the depth of shalom I was reading a fantastic book by Tim Keller (Generous Justice) and in it he talked about shalom in a way that my heart finally clicked and locked into place with. Here's a few excerpts that resonated with me, upon reading this I 100% 'got it.'

Traditionally translated as “peace” in English it means much more than that. Peace in the English language means a period of time when there is no war or fighting.  But when God uses shalom he doesn’t mean a period of time when there is no conflict, he means complete reconciliation. A state of the fullest flourishing in every dimension – physical, emotional, social, and spiritual – because all relationships are right, perfect, and filled with joy. (Generous Justice, Keller, page 174)
If we take those four dimensions – physical, emotional, social, and spiritual – and look at them with and without shalom as their foundation we can see quickly what shalom accomplishes in a person’s life and when shalom is lacking what happens. 
Shalom is lost when our primal self-absorption leads to profound social evils – to war, crime, family breakdown, oppression, and injustice. The world is filled with hunger, sickness, aging, and physical death. Because our relationship with God has broken down, shalom is gone – spiritually, psychologically, socially, and physically.  (Generous Justice, Keller, pages 176-177)

So the translation of 'peace' doesn't do the function of shalom justice.  Not at all.  It is peace but not our wishy-washy ideas of peace, not our milk version of it. It is substantial, filling, completing, restorative, transformational. True shalom is not self-contained, it is not something that can be or should be hoarded, it is meant to have a domino effect.

Shalom is applicable to all parts of life.  The word is used for all parts of speech; as a noun, adjective, verb, adverb, and interjection. It categorizes all shaloms. (Source)  Christ wants us to be touched with shalom in every way possible.

The idea of shalom, its lack and its place in my life, has been more on my heart and mind the past couple of years since I really got what it actually was. In the book I read by Keller he asked a question that applied to areas of social justice but could easily be, and should be, considered for personal life as well.  We cannot pass on shalom if we do not possess it ourselves.  He posed this question and asked the reader to ask it of themselves and of their communities, "Where has the fabric of shalom broken down? Those are the places I need to weave myself into to reweave and strengthen the fabric and restore it to shalom."  (Generous Justice, Keller, page 177)

So I began to ask myself, where do I see areas that the fabric of shalom has broken down?  I began looking at areas of my life: my marriage, my parenting, my role as an employee and co-worker, my friendships, and of course my own personal inner life.  I looked for areas in my community,both my personal circles and the community in which I lived, where shalom was lacking or being fulfilled. I asked God to point out to my heart and eyes where his shalom needed to be reestablished and restored.

So for a couple of years now I have been weaving shalom into my life as God makes the lack evident. And like all things, sometimes the stitch has been wrong and I've had to go backwards, unweaving the mistake so it can be corrected. A few years ago I was honored to be able to visit Kusadasi/Ephesus, Turkey. I watched a carpet weaving demonstration. Some of the more intricate carpets take literal years, in some cases a lifetime, to weave and complete. It is not uncommon for a carpet weaver to only complete one or two carpets in their lifetime. That requires patience, dedication, concentration, persistence, and even vision. The carpet weaver has a vision in their head of what they want the carpet to look like as a finished product and they weave until it comes to be.  I look at the weaving of shalom into my life in the same way. Shalom is an intricate component to the whole of my life, it will require vision - in this case it is God's vision, persistence, dedication, and a submission to the process.

Weaving shalom into my life requires the employ of various tools. Fortunately God is really creative and he has a wide variety of tools at his disposal to accomplish this.  His tools include, but are not limited to: split seas, people, circumstances, his Word, talking donkeys, all manner of media - secular and religious, music, growing in age and hopefully wisdom, health or lack thereof, the rending of barriers from top to bottom, the appearance of heavenly messengers with life altering news, the gentlest of breezes barely felt or heard, and more because God is creative and unique and knows what each of us will respond to.


As 2014 was closing out and 2015 was starting to peek her head up I felt compelled by shalom to focus on shalom in this new year.  So for the first time in my memory I decided to dedicate the calendar year to shalom. My family and I have had a rough couple of years.  We've had some good moments for sure but overall?  The fabric of shalom has broken down in us individually and then collectively. This year, in 2015 and beyond, I am asking God to restore shalom to my husband, my children, myself and to us as a family so we can then be his hands and feet to restore shalom to our local and global communities.  I need the peace of shalom in my life in order to be the wife and mom, to be an employee and co-worker, to be a sister and a friend, in order to be a daughter and an Auntie.

What about you?  Are there places in your life where the fabric of shalom has broken down and needs to be reweaved?  Will you let that weaving take place for the purposes of wholeness?  

May shalom be found in your life this year. 

Sanctuary

About 2 miles off the road and hidden against the mountain is a sanctuary.  I first drove onto the grounds of this sanctuary when I was 16, newly licensed and needing to find a job. The circles I ran in brought word of an opening in the King James Dining Room at Glen Eyrie, a local castle serving as a retreat and conference center and owned by The Navigator's.  I suppose I filled out an application, perhaps had an interview, I'm sure appropriate tax forms were filled out.  I remember none of that.  I only remember the early mornings and late nights driving the winding roads to the castle, exiting the hustle and bustle of Colorado Springs and entering the stillness, silence, and calm of Glen Eyrie.  I adored it.  Even though I was coming to work I felt like I was entering into a peaceful place.  The reality is, I was.  Glen Eyrie is magic. The further off of 31st Street you get and the closer the castle appears the more its magic weaves itself into the air you breathe.

I worked in the King James Dining Room for approximately 2 1/2 years.  In that time I served countless groups of people breakfast, lunch, dinner. I got to participate in serving at the Madrigal Dinner the Castle hosts each year at Christmas time. It was the perfect first job. My favorite times to be on the winding dark roads of Glen Eyrie were in the early mornings.  I would turn off my radio as I went through the front gate and I would let the silence and magic of The Glen seep into my car and my being.  I didn't really recognize it then as I do now, but it was as if my soul was taking a deep breath.

Throughout the years since I have been fortunate enough to visit The Glen on and off, mostly for day retreats and once for a place of retreat as depression weighed on my heart.  Years ago as God was leading me through some necessary closure in my life, I stole on to the grounds and sat beneath a large tree in the expanse of grass and found the closure I needed to move forward. Sometimes you don't realize how important a place is until you almost lose it.

In the summer of 2012 the Waldo Canyon fire ate its way through some of our closer mountains, took a local landmark, The Flying W Ranch, and destroyed a large portion of a neighborhood that sat against the mountain the fire jumped to.  Anxiously watching the fire inch closer and closer to Glen Eyrie, they finally had to evacuate and pray.  There was nothing more to be done.  Fire teams were doing all they could to beat the fire into submission but it had a mind of its own and where it went they just had to follow and try to contain.  When all was said and done, Glen Eyrie was safe.  Just barely. If you look up at the ridge right above the castle you see scorched trees and a clear line where the fire ceased burning down the mountain.  Glen Eyrie had been spared.  As a community we breathed a sigh of relief.  We had already lost the Flying W and to the lose The Glen in addition to that plus all the homes felt like too much.  It already was too much for our shocked and soot covered hearts.

A month ago my hub whisked me away for a surprise weekend.  I was told to pack comfy and casual, that's all I knew.  I was so intrigued, where could we be going?  And then he turned off of 31st Street and began to wind his way toward the front gate of The Glen. Oh my. My heart stilled, I grabbed his hand. "Really? We are staying here this weekend?"  Really, we were. What a true gift.  I'm not sure he knew how important this place was to my heart.  It was a sanctuary for me.  We stepped out of the car at the Carriage House to check in. And the magic of The Glen was already working on me.  The silence and calm of it was the first thing to hit my senses as we exited the car.  I felt my soul take a deep breath.

It was a glorious weekend. The weather was the last perfect weather we were going to have for quite some time, my hub and I needed this time alone after some rough years of marriage and parenting and so the company was fantastic, the cabin room he reserved for us was in one of the more special cabins on the property and was an amazing retreat space for us.  The front porch of the cabin has these huge wooden swings and we spent time, silently holding hands and rocking, on that porch. After breakfast the first morning we were debating where to walk and how to spend our day. Walking out the front door of the castle my eye caught a stand of sorts.  Curious I walked to it and saw that The Glen had created a prayer walk through its grounds and this was one of the stops.  The weather

was incredible, I was reluctant to be indoors.  We had eaten a great breakfast but needed to walk it off and we had no plans at all for the day.  So the hub and I walked the grounds of The Glen according to the prayer walk and spent time communing with one another and with God.  We took our time, enjoying the weather, the grounds, the peace of The Glen, the prayer with each other and with the Lord.  I saw the magic of The Glen begin to work on my hub and it led to good and important conversation.  We began to feel a sense of ease that we hadn't felt in quite some time.  After many hours of the amazing weather and prayer time around the property we took a nap and knew we would need to leave that evening for a brief time to get some dinner.  I was reluctant to leave, even for just an hour or two.  My soul was enjoying the peace and the quiet and I was feeling hesitant about reentering into the hustle of life.  I had reconnected that day with my sanctuary and wanted to take full advantage of our time there.

Throughout the day I kept looking up at the ridge where the fire threatened to roll down the mountain and consume such a special place.  I couldn't help but feel emotional, realizing how close I and so many others came to losing such a magical place.  I also kept thinking of the middle ages custom of claiming "sanctuary" from legal action and from enemies.  The church back then would honor the person and assist them in making restitution or in escaping from a danger on their life. I thought about how these days the church is no longer the sanctuary it should be. People come for help, healing, and hope and instead are shunned, judged, and left open to more injury.  No longer can we really enter a structure that calls itself a church or house of God and claim sanctuary.  God alone, in his presence, is the only place that we can claim sanctuary and know that we will receive it.  The Glen was my sanctuary.  The Glen is my sanctuary.  It is where I feel the deepest connection to God, most likely because of the magic of it.  Peace, calm, silence, and serenity blanket me from the moment I turn off of 31st Street.

When we finally left Glen Eyrie that weekend to head for home I was refreshed in my spirit, hopeful that my hub was as well, but not ready for the noise of life which I knew would assault our senses as we turned on to 31st Street.  I prepared by reminding myself that the place I claim sanctuary is always a short car drive away and I can always be in the presence of God and his peace because he lives in me.  Later that night we were at home, our redheads were chattering, the television was on, and my hub turned to me and said, "Can we go back?"

Okay, you "win" this one.

It's not a competition. Or rather it shouldn't be. Who wants to win at having the hardest life?

Kara, over at Mundane Faithfulness, has often said, "I'm not trying to win the hardest story.  We all have hard."  She's right, we all do have hard in our lives.  We all walk through hard things and what is hard for us may not be hard for another.  Grace enters in when we can empathize with someone's hard that we may not understand.  Kara also doesn't allow others hard to be diminished in light of her hard.  Oh, I should mention that Kara is dying.  In June 2012 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and even though they have done aggressive treatments the cancer has traveled her body and is invading even her skeletal structure. Kara knows hard.  She has a husband and four children she is preparing to live life without her physical presence. She has had to go through the grieving process, grieving over the loss of the life she dreamed of and desired and accepting the one she lives.  The other day Kara asked a good question in response to the statement, "I would like my life back!"  She asked, "What if this is your life? Would God still be good? I know- I'm such a jerk for saying this. I have to ask this question of myself regularly."  I can't think of anyone else who deserves to be wrestling with that question more than Kara right now.  She is honest in her wrestling but her final answer always ends up being yes, God is still good even though she will not get to watch her children grow up and she won't get to grow old with the husband she adores.

Yes, Kara knows hard.  But we all know hard don't we?

Here's what the reality of our hards could be and perhaps should be. Philippians 2:4 says to look out not only for our own interests but to look out for the interests of others as well.  In my hard I am going to be aware and concerned for your hard and focus on meeting the needs of your hard, trusting and knowing that someone else will be doing the same for me in my hard.  See how that works?  We get taken care of. When we allow the interests of others to be our interest as well then our personal interests get the attention of someone else's care.  Sometimes our hard limits us in how we can meet the needs of someone else's hard. That's when it is time to get creative. We all have a capacity to meet the hard of others, it just might take some extra creativity.

Recently I was thinking about another benefit of being aware of other's hards.  It gives our hard some perspective. Hear me, it doesn't diminish it just puts it into perspective.  And in my experience we all need our hard to have perspective. And sometimes what happens with perspective is I look at my hard and their hard and I say, "Okay you "win" this one.  Your hard is way harder than mine. What else or what more can I do for you in this hard? My hard can wait, it's not as urgent."  I look at Philippians 2:4 and see this concession as another way of looking out for the interests of others.  And sometimes, okay maybe most of the time, as we concede our hard and dedicate ourselves to the hard of another then ours loses its urgency, its power, the grasp that has us in a tight fist loosens.  When we eventually return to our hard, because we always need to return to it and deal with it, we have different eyes and a different mindset toward it.  Perhaps we even have a renewed strength to tackle it.

What if the hard you are experiencing right now is the new normal for your life?  What does that mean for you?  For your family?  For your friendships?  For your career?  Are you so immersed in your hard that you can't see the hard of the person near you?  Is this a season for you to focus in on the hard of someone else or your own?  Who is "winning" for the harder hard in your circles?  Can you trust that as you minister to the hard of someone else that your own hard will be ministered to as well?

Hear me once again, I am not diminishing the hard of anyone but I'm challenging all of us to gain perspective of our hards so we can both minister and be ministered to.  What would be different about our hards if we could find peace, hard peace, in them?

Fainthearted

Life takes courage doesn't it?  And the older I get the more I realize that pretty much every aspect of life takes courage.  I have to be brave in my marriage, bold in my parenting, confident in my relationships, and audacious in living out the mission I am called to.

But what about the days that you crack your eyes open and feel the weariness of life in your bones and you want to pull the covers over your head and escape into sleep once again?  What about those days? The fainthearted do just that, they roll over on their side and pull the sheet up and over themselves to keep the reality of life at bay.  The ones who aren't fainthearted but aren't entirely present will take a few minutes to rise and face the day but they will eventually get on their feet.  And the ones who have determined to not let weariness win will get up and face the day with spirit.  Here's the secret about the determined, even they have weariness of life in their bones.  But the determined are unflinching in their resolve to not let weariness win over courage.  They believe that somewhere deep within themselves their courage is a greater strength than the weakness of life's realities.

I'm feeling so fainthearted these days.  My life as a parent is really weighing down my heart.  We've hit a rough season.  I confess that I feel so weary in parenting right now that all I really want to do is pull the covers over my head.  I don't want to be present and I'm not feeling all that determined.  That's the confession of my flesh.  The Spirit in me gives me the courage I need to do and say the hard things.  My bones protest as I rise but I know I have to rise.  I have a responsibility, given to me by God, to raise these children to the very best of my ability and with his strength and wisdom.  I have a responsibility to make sure they are as healthy as possible not just physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well.  And sometimes that responsibility means the hub and I have to do and say some hard things.  Things that the redheads think are unfair but things we know in the long-run are ensuring health.  Things that they might not see as protection in the moment but we know are.

In my life the weariness of this task comes when the redheads forget that we are for them and not against them.  When they slander us to their friends and we find out.  When they make choices to lie about "little" things so then we can't trust they are telling the truth with the "bigger" stuff.  When they figure out ways to subtly manipulate us and we know it.  When they disrespect us, take advantage of us, and do it in such sly and silent ways that it is almost missed.  When they hurt our feelings because parents can get, and do get, their feelings hurt too.

When I held them as newborns this wasn't part of the plan.  :)  Oh, don't think I was living some fairy tale that my children would be the ones who wouldn't rebel or be angry or have problems.  But I had hope that it would be more of the minor stuff than the major stuff.  And it is, depending on your personal definition of minor and major.  But even the minor stuff can lead to weariness.  And I am weary with anxiety over them, with sadness that trust has been broken and now we must rebuild - which is so hard to do, with confusion as to where it turned around on us, with fear that I will lose my precious babies.  I am weary with the hurt feelings and with trying to remember it isn't personal even when it feels like it is.

At some point, as my Mama pointed out the other day, "this too shall pass".  And I know that in my head but travel about 18 inches down to my heart and I'm not so sure.  At some point I won't be as fainthearted over parenting and it will shift to another area of life.  Until recently it was marriage, now it isn't.  At various times it's been with relationships, and to love others as God does, and has asked me to, is downright hard sometimes and I can too easily become fainthearted in that mission.

There is help and relief for the weariness but I keep forgetting about it.  I forget that I don't have to shoulder the burden I feel in parenting, or marriage, or relationships.  I can transfer the burden to shoulders far more capable than mine.  But I forget it too often.  And when I do remember, I struggle with how to transfer the burden and not try to shoulder some of it still.  But when I can give the burden to someone who can carry it there rushes in this amazing peace and rest and I no longer feel the need to pull the covers over my head.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Put My yoke upon your shoulders—it might appear heavy at first, but it is perfectly fitted to your curves. Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. When you are yoked to Me, your weary souls will find rest. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

What has been weighing you down recently?  What tempts you to stay in bed with the covers pulled over your head these days?  Have you thought about transferring that burden to the more capable shoulders of the One who created you?  How could that change the way you feel or respond to the current cause of being fainthearted?

Vodka and Jesus

"What are you guys still doing up," asked my brother, arriving home from a Yankee's game he, Dad, and Brad went to.

"We are drinking vodka and talking about Jesus," was my sister-in-love's reply.

Let me explain how that came to be...

Earlier that afternoon we went to get mani/pedi's.  On the way home we ducked into the liquor store on the corner of First and 86th, heading back to the section we wanted. Before us was a wide variety of flavors. Birthday Cake, Cotton Candy, Chocolate Covered Strawberries, Pineapple Coconut, Root Beer Float, Blueberry, the one we wanted - Salted Caramel, and so many more.
We made the purchase and crossed the street to the apartment.  Stowing it in the freezer with a plan for later we went about our girls night with delicious vegan food and wine.  We laughed and talked and shared stories about my brother with my soon to be sister-in-love.  Mama and Adele left for their respective beds, Rebecca and I grabbed the bottle from the freezer, plopped a couple of ice cubes in two glasses, and poured a nightcap of Salted Caramel Vodka for ourselves.  We folded our legs under us, swirling our glasses, sipping, and chatting.  And Jesus somehow found his way into our conversation.

Jesus is a "forbidden" topic in my extended family.  Years ago, on the eve of Paul and Rebecca's wedding, my brother made a family rule that we all agreed to.  No politics, no religion.  Leave those off the table and out of discussion and we'll all get along just fine.  Can't mature adults discuss these topics and agree to disagree?  One would think so but we hadn't yet seen a successful practice of that in any of our circles.  With our diverse thoughts and opinions on those two hot button topics we figured it best to shelve them, permanently, during family times.  And it's worked rather well for us over the years.  There's been a divisive moment or two between siblings and sometimes we have broached politics with permission granted but generally we steer clear of those things, at least in large group conversations, and find plenty of other topics for discussion.

But my sister-in-love, Rebecca, and I can talk about Jesus openly and be okay, better than okay, with one another.  And so we have, over the years, discussed faith and religion, God and Jesus, spiritual matters. She's been privvy to some of the more private moments of my faith transformation in the past few years. She has confided in me her thoughts about raising children with a sense of spirituality and what that might look like among her own personal thoughts about God.

As we swirled and sipped our Salted Caramel vodka Jesus came up.  He had already made a briefer appearance earlier that day so it was natural to bring him back in to the conversation.  She asked me questions about my recent expressions of faith and for the first time with anyone other than my husband I answered the questions and was able to give a halfway intelligent reason for the why's .  We talked about expectations I may have of others and she knew I was honest when I said I had none, these were my convictions and I didn't want or feel the need to force them on anyone else, even my own children and husband.  She asked more questions, I gave answers best I could.  She shared with me some thoughts and ideas she had been mulling over recently.  We found common ground in each other's thoughts about faith, God, and Jesus.  We discovered, with Jesus between us and vodka in our glasses, that we are walking similar directions in matters of faith.  Our paths appear very different but the core of our journey is so similar it feels comfortable to one another.

Then Paul came home and the conversation wrapped up.  Glasses were drained, put away, the bed was pulled out for me and we all laid down for the night.  And I laid there thinking about Jesus and vodka and smiling over the road Rebecca and I walk together in matters of faith.  Maybe it was the vodka that warmed me that night but maybe it was the presence of Jesus in our conversation and relationship also.

How about you?  Do you have someone in your life that you can sip vodka with and discuss Jesus?  Maybe it's not vodka, maybe it's coffee, but do you have someone you can be open with?  Who feels safe to be honest with about confidences in faith and doubts in faith? 

Are you scandalized that Jesus participated in a conversation where alcohol was being consumed?  If so, why?  Does it disturb you that we have a family rule of no religion, or politics, talk?  If so, why?  

Make the Thought Count

It's not like it's a new thought or idea.  When Solomon states in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun he spoke truth.  There are no new thoughts, ideas, etc but there are expansions on what is already present.  There are new twists to the present idea or thought. There are different or even new applications.

I have read Philippians 1:3 countless times.  And countless is an understatement.  It is one of the most overused verses in the Bible.  So the temptation is to skim right by it in search of deeper truths.  But, for whatever reason, this day I skidded to a halt on this verse.

I thank my God every time I remember you.  

How many people do you think about each day?  On average?  The people you live with, the people you work with, and then who else?  Maybe a handful more?  And for the most part probably a different handful every day.  I want to zero in on that handful.  Chances are good that your interactions with those you live with communicate that you are thinking about them.  And for your co-workers?  Well that's a hit and miss I suppose but since you interact with them 5 days a week chances are decent that your communications with them indicate you have thought about them in some way as well (whether or not you are thankful is another story).  But it's that handful.  When they happen to run across your mind do you let them know?

Every so often I drink Lady Gray Tea.  It's not my most favorite but every so often I get a craving for it. And when I do drink it I think of one person every time without fail.  She and I are no longer friends.  I suppose we are still acquaintances, but we don't have daily communication and haven't seen each other in about 4 years.  But this tea makes me think of her.  It so happened that the day after I had skidded to a halt on Philippians 1:3 I made myself some Lady Gray tea.  And since it was so fresh in my mind I decided to act on thinking about her.  So I emailed her.  It was super short.  I simply let her know I thought of her because of the tea I was having and I hoped she was well.  That's it. No big conversations, no initiation of relationship, nothing but just letting her know she was thought of.  It doesn't matter what she thought of my out-of-the-blue email, I just knew that somehow it made a difference for me. Maybe it did for her too.

Certain things - smells, sounds, music, foods - are triggers for me.  I'm guessing they are for you too.  And usually when a memory is triggered a person is part of that memory. Sometimes they are still in my life, other times not.  With some people and the memories attached to them I don't feel so thankful.  Sometimes I remember that I have also questioned God, not thanked him, for allowing that person to be part of my life at some point.  Depending on how long ago the person was in my life I might still be questioning God today. *grin* Just being honest.  But I do try to insert some thankfulness in there as well. I try to be objective and mature about the reasons why that person was in my life, their role in my own personal growth, and my role in the relationship I had with them.  I search for the reasons why I can be thankful to God for them. And frankly, a lot of those reasons usually center on how not to behave in relationships, in how not to be in relationship to God, in how not to treat others.  So I can be thankful for them, not for the positives but for the negatives because they served as a lesson for me in how not to be.  So see?  I can still be thankful to God for them when they cross my mind, which they do from time to time.

So all this has me thinking, what would change in our relationships if we did the following based on Philippians 1:3?
*Thanked God for the person who just ran across our mind (even if we don't personally like them!) and pray for them (people it counts with God if this all happens in a space of 30 seconds - you don't have to spend hours on this and when praying for someone you don't have to know what's going on with them - trust that God knows because he does).
*If possible, and appropriate, let them know you have thought about them.  (Send a text, send a Facebook Inbox, send an email, dial their phone number and call them, drop a note by their workplace, knock on their door and give them a hug, you can see there are many ways to let people know they are being thought of.)

What could change in that person's life because of that?
What could change in our lives because of practicing that kind of contact?
What might change in relationships because of that small intentional reach out?

If you are like me then you think about someone at least once a day accompanied by the thought, "Oh I should fill in the blank them (call, text, etc)" and then the day continues and you get caught up in its flow and the thought occurs to you again about midnight when you need to be sleeping.  And then you just never follow through. The thought was there but never acted on.  And if you are like me perhaps you have shrugged your shoulders and said, "Oh well it's the thought that counts."  Um.  Not in this case actually.  In this kind of situation the thought doesn't count because nobody but you knows you had the thought! So make the thought count, share it with the person you had it about.  Take 30 seconds and communicate with them.  Make the thought count.   

I'm not good at making the thought count. There's my confession.  I just spent the last few minutes telling *you* to do it when I myself kinda stink at it.  But I promise I'm not being hypocritical, you want to know why?  Because I'm not saying I am great at this and because I use posts like these to be a reminder to me of how I want to live my life. So really this whole post is for me and if *you* get something out of it then great! Also, sometimes I stink at this because of the season of life I am in.  Sometimes my seasons wear me out and I'm just trying to get through the days.  And sometimes my seasons are dark and when they are one of the first things to taper off in my life is my communication with others. These aren't excuses, just realities. And you have your realities as well. But even in the midst of our realities let's try to reach out in small but potentially meaningful ways.

Let's make the thought count.  

The Vulnerability of Feet

Recently our home church decided to invade comfort levels and wash each other's feet.  It ended up families washed each other's feet while the other families observed.  We need to take baby steps (pun intended) with this whole command.  Yep, it's a command given to us by Christ.

Frankly, it is a little unnerving to consider.  And what's weird about that is that I am all about getting a pedicure, I have no qualms about a perfect stranger touching my feet.  I don't mind my husband rubbing my feet either.  But washing them?  I start to pull back a little.  There is something oddly intimate about someone else washing my feet.  It places me in a position of vulnerability and that is very unnerving.  And as I watched other people getting their feet watched I felt vulnerable on their behalf.

What is it about feet that exposes us to others, to even ourselves?  Perhaps it is that feet are so unique, filled with personality and character.  They can be, and are, beautiful - ugly - bony - chubby - cracked - smooth - calloused - tough - sensitive - small - large - smelly.  And to expose them to someone else feels like we are exposing them to all of those things that are true of us as well.  We can be, and are, beautiful - ugly - edgy - curvy - cracked - smooth - calloused - tough - sensitive - smelly.  And we pull back when we don't want others to see and know that about us, even our spouses.

When I held my foot out to my husband I instinctively curled my toes inward as if drawing back.  It's possible I even drew my foot back a bit but he had a grasp on it by that point so he kept it over the bowl. He poured the water over it and then took the towel to dry it off.  Such intimacy.  And with others watching it made it just a tad more unnerving.  There was nervous twittering the entire time from all of us there. It's uncomfortable to take part in and observe such an intimate act.

I imagine the disciples felt similar when Jesus stripped off his outer garments, tied a towel around his waist, and knelt down on the ground at the dusty and smelly feet of the men who had followed him for the last three years.  I imagine there was nervous twittering and an insecurity at Jesus touching the rough and calloused feet.  But Peter, as usual, was the only one bold enough to speak out loud what I think all of them were thinking, "Lord, you are going to wash my feet?" Jesus answered in the affirmative and Peter, as usual, came back with, "No!  You should never wash my feet!"  Imagine telling Jesus no.  Oh wait.  We do, everyday. We tell him no everyday.  We, like Peter, lose sight of who is knelt down at our feet.  We forget the past years of learning at his feet.  We curl our figurative toes inward to draw away from the one who wants to wash us clean.  We protest with voices that tremble with insecurity and fear at being found in such a vulnerable position.  And Jesus, with grace in his voice and love in his eyes, says to Peter, and to us, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."  Now I confess I am not near as bold as Peter who then, as usual, took it all the way, "Well then Lord don't stop at my feet!  Wash all of me!"  Poor Peter.  He gets a lot of flack from the pulpit for his bold statements and actions.  But I see and hear zeal in Peter. He is zealous for the Lord.  He loves Jesus more than he may even realize.  He believes even if he isn't quite sure what that belief means or will cost him.  I like Peter, I relate to him.  I, too, feel zeal for my Lord.  But I'm not bold like Peter.  I draw back and take a slower approach.  Jesus corrects Peter, and perhaps us, "No Peter.  You don't need a full body wash, you are clean except for your feet.  Washing your feet fulfills the need." Peter quiets down and we can assume he then placed his feet in the hands of Jesus.

I understand the vacillating.  I pull back from Jesus, unwilling to let him see and touch my insecurities and flaws.  He tells me that if I don't allow him in those places then I will have no part with him so I throw everything I have at him in desperation to be part of him.  He has to pull me back to a balance and reminds me that he only asked for specific insecurities and flaws, not all of it. He knows what I don't.  Eventually we'll get to the place where he has touched every insecurity and flaw but we'll take baby steps to get there (pun intended).

If I can't get vulnerable with the One who created me then I'm really going to have a tough time getting vulnerable with people. And I see the struggle in me.  I vacillate with people - my husband, my besties, my community.  I want vulnerability and sometimes I'm able to get there but a lot of times I curl my heart inward and start to pull back.  It is a lot of steps forward and backward but Philippians 1:6 says I have as much time as God determines I need to be called "complete" and since I see being complete includes allowing all of me to have been exposed and cleansed by Christ I guess I'm going to have to be patient in the process, and allow grace to wash over me...and my feet.

Yeast Revisited.

I looked down in my toaster and saw remnants of toast and bagels.  I emptied the handy tray that is designed to catch them and looked again.  The toaster was still littered with crumbs caught up in the coils and the edges of the toaster.  I shook it upside down, to the side, right side up, and I banged on the sides of the toaster but only a few more crumbs came tumbling out.  Short of immersing the toaster in warm water and letting it soak those crumbs are hanging on.  How appropriate, I thought, considering the reason why I was even spending time and energy on removing the crumbs.

Lanny just bought these new little LED flashlights so I used one to help me search out any food items in the dark recesses of my pantry that might contain a leavening agent.  I found a couple of items and pulled them out and placed them on the counter.  Fortunately the pile of leavening agents or items containing leaven was small.  It helps that for the past week or so I have been using or consuming things we have in our home that contain yeast or the like.  But I've consumed so much that I'm beginning to feel puffed up myself!  The break from leavened things comes at a good time.  Ha.

What in the world am I doing?  What's with this focus on leavening and removing it?  Last year I wrote about yeast.  And this year I'm back with some additional thoughts about it.  Today is the first day of the Feast of Unleavened Bread.  In Leviticus 23 God tells his people to abstain from things with leavening for 7 days and to remove it completely from their surroundings for those 7 days as well.  The observance begins with Passover, which is also commanded by the Lord to observe every year.  In the New Testament Paul addresses the observance of the Feast of Unleavened Bread by saying, "Get rid of the old yeast, so that you may be a new unleavened batch—as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. Therefore let us keep the Festival, not with the old bread leavened with malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth." And while what Paul says sounds like a metaphorical observance I am inclined to believe he was actually speaking literally.  Why?  One reason is that Paul was an observant Jewish man who happened to believe that Jesus was the Savior.  He also happened to believe that Jesus meant what he said when he declared that he had come not to abolish the Law but to fulfill it. Paul followed God's commands to keep the biblical festivals and knew that observing the Feast of Unleavened Bread literally led to the metaphorical observance as well.  And it does.  God knows that we need something with substance to use for our metaphors and searching out and ridding our surroundings of leavening agents does the trick.  God uses yeast and its function as a word picture for sin in our lives.  And God desires to see us go after sin and remove it.  He wants us to be diligent about it all the time but for 7 days we are to be hyper-diligent as a way to keep us humble before him.  And it works.

If you read my post last year about yeast you'll remember that I was doing great at not partaking of any until a little slip-up which was a complete accident.  Last year I participated in the Feast by not consuming any leavened food for the 7 days. This year I decided to observe it fully by also getting rid of any food items in our home that contained leavening.  That's why I was looking in the toaster and using a flashlight to search the pantry.  And the searching accomplished exactly what the Lord, I believe, intended for it to do. It revealed that just like leaven hides in places and things I wouldn't think it needed to be, so sin does the same thing in my life.  It infiltrates my heart and hides in the places of my life where it needn't be.  And in order to find it I need to intentionally search for it, just like with the leaven in my home.  Not only was leaven hanging out in our kitchen but a look under our couch cushions revealed crumbs had made their way there and were hiding out. So I didn't have to just search the most obvious places for the hiding places, I had to search the whole house.  The same is true of sin in my life.  I shouldn't be searching for just the most obvious places within my life and heart for sin, I need to search all the nooks and crannies.  And when sin is found take the necessary steps to remove it.

A week or so ago I was studying Leviticus 5 and the chapter deals with the unintentional sins we commit and the way to handle those.  I know that in the coming week of observance I am sure to discover something that has leaven in it that I missed in my search or, just like last year, unthinkingly consume something that has yeast in it.  Those are the unintentional sins Leviticus 5 refers to.  Things I do or say that I'm not aware, at the time, offend our Holy God but once I am aware I am required to make right.  God makes provision even for the unintentional.  His grace is deep and wide.

Celebrating the mite

I've been thinking a lot lately about the widow's mite.*  It's always bothered me that organizations hold large and lavish dinners and "thank you's" for their big money donors.  It bugs me because of the widow's mite. What if we threw a large and lavish dinner for the donors that are giving $10 (as an example) of their money every month faithfully for years on end?  What if we celebrated the mite donations rather than the large ones that always gain the most attention?  What kind of message would that send?
I've listened to a fair number of fundraiser dinners and pledge drives in my lifetime and I'm always unsettled by the meager "thank you" faithful donors get when their dollar amount doesn't reach the organization's ideal for a celebratory thank you.*  I think we have it backwards.  I think we should start inviting all to the dinner, regardless of their dollar amount donation.  And don't set up the seating according to dollar amounts either, mix them up.  I'm addressing the Church here (and non-profit para-church organizations) because, as far as I can see, God has addressed this with us already.  And I think we've forgotten or we've chosen to interpret it differently.  In James 2 favoritism is discussed.  Oh I can hear the protesting as I say that.  But in that silent moment when you have to be honest with yourself think about it.  Those large, lavish dinners for top dollar donors that aren't open to the $10 a month donors, what would you call that?  Preferential treatment. Placating.  People, it's favoritism at its roots.  It is.  I know, *you* wish it weren't so but wishing doesn't change what is fact.
The message it sends to those $10 a month donors is that while their donation is appreciated it just isn't quite enough.  There are a *million* donor departments and consulting firms that would disagree with me.  That's okay, I know what I know.  I know what people share with me.  I know what I observe.  And most importantly I know what God says about it.  God calls us to live backwards from how the world lives.  I'm so crazy I think it would be awesome to take it one step further and invite the big money donors to fund a large and lavish dinner for the lower dollar donors!*  GASP.  It's such a bold and out of the box idea. *grin*
How have we gotten to the place in the Church where people who throw a lot of money in the offering get coddled and expect to be treated with preference?  Oh those people wouldn't say they expect that and organizations/churches wouldn't say they coddle - in fact with that one question I have managed to offend pretty much every single organization and church in America - but they do.  Again, this calls for an honest moment.
What kind of message would top donors send to the various organizations that they support if they were put off because they didn't get a thank you gift or dinner or something?  Well it would reveal motive for the financial gift for sure.  I've run into a few of these donors in my years touring Christian organizations/churches through jobs.  They aren't pleasant people the minute they aren't thanked as they think they should be or their "suggestions" for the organization/church aren't implemented.  And the moment that happens their financial gifts develop a stench.  But those $10 a month donors?  They are always genuinely surprised and grateful for any show of appreciation for their gift.  Listen, those $10 a month people know their gift isn't much.  They might even feel bad they can't give more.  But those gifts, they count.  They matter.  In the end they add up to more than the gift of one top dollar donor.  Their sacrifice, while they don't expect it to be recognized and appreciated, should be.  More so than the top dollar donors.  Go back to James 2, it's right there.
Now I'm not saying we shouldn't thank top dollar donors.  I'm just saying that regardless of the dollar amount of a donation the "thank you" should be the same.  $10 to one person is as much as $1000 to another.  It's the same in their worlds.  So in the world where thank you's are issued for financial gifts the thank you should be the same as well.
Celebrate the mite and you'll be living backwards.


*If you aren't familiar with the story click here. If you aren't familiar with what mite means click here and scroll down to "2 mite noun".  You are welcome.  :)
  
*And no, this is not because I didn't get invited to something and need to passive-aggressively point it out.  In all honesty when I get invited to things that I know are costing money in order for the organization to keep my money I prefer to not go and just send in a donation.  I don't see how it makes sense to spend money to get money.  Again, a *million* donor departments and consulting firms would disagree with me and that's okay. Perhaps I'm just too simple minded for them.  But I think that phrase "less is more" applies here as well.  :) 

*Take it one step further and use the money you would pay for a large and lavish dinner and put it instead toward the organization/church you support and just send a nice "thank you" email (why spend money on printing, paper, and postage?).  I know, now I'm really talking crazy here. *wink*

*Perspectives: On Depression

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  It's okay to have different ones!

You may or may not know that in the past few years I have come out of a season of deep depression. And I still struggle with mild depression from time to time.*  In an effort to dispel some of the lies and shame that the Church in particular attaches to depression I thought I would take a chance and share parts of my story in order to bring perhaps a clearer and honest perspective to this issue. Last week was "Mental Health Awareness Week" and so this post that I've been thinking through for a while now comes at a good time. By the way, not everyone who struggles with depression is going to feel the way I do about it.  This is my own personal account.  Everyone has a different story and experience with it.

Did I hear you gasp when you read that I have been depressed and am publicly admitting it?  :)  Then let me take it a step further.  I was in such a bad place that my wonderful, Godly biblical counselor recommended I take medication for it.  GASP.  I know.  It's okay.  Just breathe.  It's one thing to take the meds and struggle with the depression but it's a whole other thing to publicly admit it within the Church especially.  And while it is true that Church opinion of depression has softened a bit in the past few years they are still a long way off from "being there" for people who struggle for brief seasons or for life with depression.  I can now speak from personal experience and I think that maybe that was one of the reasons I walked through my season.  I needed more understanding, I needed more empathy, I needed more insight.  As a counselor I needed to acquire those things so that I could be a better counselor, a better friend, a better person.  I, unknowingly, needed my held beliefs about depression and medications for depression to be challenged by God.  And I'm grateful.

Yes, you read that right.  I am grateful for the season of depression God allowed in my life.

Let me give you the abridged version.
One day I felt...unsettled.  Then a few days later I started crying. Then I stopped answering my phone, responding to emails, getting dressed (I was working from home at the time). I started sitting on my couch a lot watching mindless TV, I took naps because no matter how much sleep I was getting I was exhausted all of the time.  It took every ounce of energy I had to drive my children to school each day. I felt like a deep, dark pit had swallowed me up.  I was perplexed.  What, I wondered, was happening to me?  I had stopped the crying jags but now I just felt...nothing.  I was numb to life.  What, I wondered, had happened to me?
I finally, because I am a counselor after all, pulled myself up off the couch and called a counselor I had seen a few years prior.  I put myself in a car and drove to her office.  I huddled in her office, wrapped in a cardigan and confusion, and told her I was depressed but I couldn't figure out why and I actually was too numb to care why.  (That's when I knew I needed some outside help.)  My counselor listened and said, "Let's try *this* before we try *this*."  And so for a few weeks we tried a few different things to see if I could begin to distance myself from the fog that had enveloped me.  It wasn't working.  In her previous career she had been a nurse.  She said, "How do you feel about meds short term?"  I was desperate to feel something other than numbness so I said, "yes" and she explained her thoughts behind meds. Clearly something was needed to get the fog cleared enough that I would want to even begin to address what had led me into this deep, dark pit.  She sent me to my Doctor. He's a family friend, he gave me this quickie 5 question "test" which I failed and he said, "Let's try it."  It was the lowest dosage you could take next to taking nothing.  I started taking it and hoping it would be enough.  In time, it was.  I began to have days where the fog thinned and I could see shadows of life again.  My counselor's voice was able to cut through the illogical thoughts and feelings this deep and dark pit had created.  I felt some days like I was swimming up toward the surface of the water after being submerged for too long.  I could answer an email or two, but the phone was still off limits (still is actually, but I'm not sure why). There were days where I didn't dread leaving the house although I was sure glad to get back to it.  And eventually I could talk and process again, I could be gone from the house for extended periods of time without totally seizing up in anxiety, I climbed out of pajamas and started wearing clothes again, I answered more emails.
As the fog started to clear I was able to begin to look long and hard at the possibilities and the reasons I had landed in this strange and isolating place.  And I started to see that for this season I was going to have to focus on taking care of me if I was ever going to emerge so that I could continue to take care of others.  I drew some boundaries, made some relationship decisions, I withdrew from certain places or activities that caused too much anxiety.  I began to engage in things that I could handle and could be categorized as "soul care". I hadn't read a book for pleasure in a few years, I had been reading non-fiction personal development books so I put those down and picked up fiction again and rediscovered an important fact about me - I need to be reading fiction mixed with non-fiction as a way of taking care of myself, it was - it is - important to me. I was having a hard time handling large crowds of people, especially ones I felt like I needed to make small talk with, so I stopped attending church services (which led to me leaving traditional church altogether but that part of the story is a very different post *grin*).  There were other things I did to bring some balance back to my life but you get the idea I am sure.
Eventually I was doing good. My counselor and I had worked through some important things, the meds were keeping me engaged in life, and I was seeing more sunny days than foggy ones. Just about the time I was feeling good my husband and I decided I needed to find a job outside of the home that provided more income than what I was making. So I, in hesitation because I still wasn't too keen on being out in public and not having the option to wear pajamas for the day, applied and landed, of all jobs, a front desk position at a fairly busy ministry organization.  Not only would I be out in public and have to wear clothing but I was going to be "the face" of this ministry Monday through Friday 5 hours a day AND have to talk to people and be sociable. Talk about a turnaround from couch sitting and days spent in solitude! But it came at a good time, I was in a good enough place to take the job and allow it to be part of the catalyst for being able to fully emerge from the deep and dark pit.  I weaned off of the meds I was taking but had a greater understanding for their purpose and a deeper empathy for those who needed to be on them long term.
If you can believe it, that is the short version.  And since that time I still go through periods of mild depression where I have to pull back a little from life and examine why I'm feeling unsettled and do what I need to do to regroup.  But my periods of mild depression now are brief and manageable.  They are usually marked by an avoidance of emails, texts, and phone calls. My social media use slows down. I begin to make excuses for not participating in things that require me being away from home and in clothes.  You know, things like that. But I can manage it much better now, plus it is probably very helpful that I do have a job outside of the home that forces me to interact with life.  I probably won't need to return to meds because I have learned how to catch myself and do what it takes to work through it so the fog doesn't envelope me again and because my depression isn't as severe as what others do experience.

So where does the gratefulness come in?  I alluded to it above. It gave me deeper understanding, empathy, and insight into those that struggle with depression.  I believe it has given my spirit a softness for hurting people that I didn't have before.  It helped me understand grace in new and deeper ways. It removed from me any fringes of judgement towards those with depression.  And in a lot of ways it introduced me to continued freedom in my life.  As I said above at the beginning, not everyone who struggles with depression is going to feel the way I do about it.  This is my own personal account.  Everyone has a different story and experience with it.

Here's what I want to say to the Church and its uneasy acknowledgment of depression:
Church, breathe, it's OKAY.
It doesn't mean the person doesn't have faith in Christ.  It doesn't mean the person doesn't trust Christ.  It doesn't mean the person is embroiled in deep sin.  Meds don't mean the person is weak and lacking.  I googled "christian books about depression" and several links came up.  There are those talking about depression but in the churches, on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, if someone dares to utter "I think I'm depressed" people start murmuring and advising the person to claim joy instead and just deny the depression.  *You* don't think that person has already tried that?  *You* don't think they have already tried to climb out of their pit by themselves?  Is it best to try and deny it (the equivalent of stuffing it and trying to ignore it)?  Do *you* really think it is helpful to tell them that they brought it on themselves by thinking it into existence?  Did you know some of the greatest people in the Word of God experienced depression and at least one of them was not in sin, in fact he was called righteous by God!
I think the Church is uneasy with depression because it seems so contrary to God and faith. If you believe in God and trust him then how could you be "sad" (depression isn't just sadness by the way, oftentimes it is manifested in many other ways)?  We say with our mouths that we are flawed people with wounded hearts but when someone actually exhibits it we feel uneasy and uncomfortable.  We don't like the implications that we too could experience the fog of depression.  We don't like to see the emotional suffering of someone who says they love God because what does that then perhaps mean about God? The unease of the Church centers around God and the doubts about him that depression can introduce or increase.  And we don't like to admit that sometimes we doubt God.  GASP.  I just got you again didn't I?  Well, let me say it again. Sometimes we doubt God and guess what?  God's okay with that!  He is.  We aren't okay with it but he is. He is not threatened by it or disappointed by it or even surprised by it.  But we are and we put that on others when they make us uncomfortable with their depression.
Right after the darkest part of my depression came to an end, I entered into an in-depth study of the book of Job.  It was the perfect thing to study as I was coming out of the darkest moments.  It helped me see what God has to say about doubting him, depression, friendships, etc.  It definitely contributed to where I am at today in terms of my beliefs about mental health and the character of God.  It was such a powerful study that I am trying to organize it all into notes and perhaps a study that I can share with others as I feel led.  Through my study of Job God challenged me on several levels about how I have responded to people in the past who have been hurting, on how I view him, on how I respond to my own hurting moments.  These revelations by him led to my observations about the Church missing it on "being there" for the wounded.

Perhaps you don't like or don't agree with my conclusions about the Church and its response to depression. Okay.  I know what I know through personal experience, through going through counseling, through observation, through hearing others talk about it as if it were a sin.  I'm not sure that unless you personally experience it you can really get it.  And that's okay.  I'd rather you not personally experience depression but I would rather you find some empathy for those who struggle, I would rather you find some grace and mercy and leave judgement to someone else, I would rather you be okay with not totally understanding and yet still be able to sit, stand, or walk alongside someone who might be experiencing it without trying to "fix" them, or hope they can ignore it, or make them feel guilty about feeling the way they do and being a Christian.  (Be honest, you know exactly what I mean and you know either you've done it or you know people who have done this.)  I have found that while the Church at large says they have empathy and support those who have depression the local Church bodies don't always live that out.  It's easy to make the grand and "politically/spiritually correct" statements but it's not so easy to live them out when someone shows up in your life with it and suddenly you are confronted with insecurities, unease, doubts, and even some fear.  

This isn't a complete post about my perspective on depression.  It's lacking in several thoughts but I'm hoping it at least gives *you* a better picture of what depression can be, does, and looks like in my life and perhaps in others.  Allow your ideas and beliefs to be challenged and you will become a better friend, spouse, a better person because of it.

*It's kind of ironic that I'm writing this post at this time since I am, in fact, struggling with some mild depression as of late.  In fact tonight I had a mild panic attack and had to pull back from something so that I didn't freak people out or embarrass my daughter. And you know what?  I'm okay admitting that to *you*.