Showing Up For My Life

Today my eyes cracked open and I saw the time and I groaned.  I literally had to pep talk myself out of bed this morning and I heard myself say, "Beth, show up for your life today." SIGH.  And another part of me replied back, "I'm not sure I can." SIGH. After a few minutes of back and forth I dragged myself out of bed and tried to engage with the new day.

It's a hard time of year for me. Getting dark around 5 pm certainly doesn't help.  I feel like I need to go into hibernation mode along with the bears. Frankly I feel a little jealous of them.  I mean, I've stored up the fat already.  A few weeks ago I read this fascinating article about a guy in Maine who had lived as a hermit for almost 30 years.  I confess, I was a little envious of his ability to pull it off. Although I would have picked someplace warmer to seclude myself from society. A couple of the Maine winters almost killed him.

It seems to me that one day the hermit woke up in his real life and heard, "Show up for your life today," and he couldn't.  Maybe he didn't even try to pep talk himself into showing up. So he went into hibernation mode instead.  While I feel envious, I also know I can't do that.  That isn't healthy.  I need to continue to engage with humans and responsibilities.  I need to be brave enough to continue to face hard things and wrestle through them. I need to work through mistakes and flaws. I need to set myself aside and be there for others. But lately I've had to do a lot of pep talking to get myself out of the house.

Depression is a tricky thing. I think I might be handling it okay and then BAM! It's got me in a half nelson and I'm headed toward a face plant on the mat called life. Last year I didn't think I would need meds again, I thought I had enough tools to help me combat the depression going that far in me.  I was wrong. So I went back to my doctor, found a counselor, and started again.

Depression keeps me in a place of humility and gratefulness.  Yes, gratefulness. That hasn't changed with this go round of black clouds. One of the things that I am grateful for is the humility it is developing in me.  It keeps me from judging others harshly, and it keeps me sensitive toward those who are struggling.

For the past couple of months the idea of showing up for my life has exhausted me. Just thinking about the energy it will take to get into a shower, get dressed, get into the car and drive makes me want to go back to bed.  But I'm fighting. I'm fighting to stay present in my life.  It's the reason why I force myself to go to certain social events, why I extend past myself to others, why I continue to read books and write and leave voice messages for people on What's App. Having the voices of people who love me despite me in my world, even though they are miles away, motivates me to stay engaged in my life.  I'm fighting to stay present in my life by continuing to look for more ways to assist at work, if I weren't fighting to stay present I would be doing the bare minimum to get by.  But I know I need to engage so I'm learning new things, volunteering for things, and remaining pro-active.  And I'm exhausted.  Showing up for my life is exhausting but I'm doing it as best I can in this season.

And where I just don't have the energy to show up and participate my husband has stepped in and taken it on.  He's been doing the grocery shopping among other things. He's generous in giving me space to show up and participate in a time frame that won't freak me out.

Showing up for life takes courage.  Some days it feels impossible, other days it's rather easy. But I believe it takes courage every day no matter what to show up and participate in this life we've each been given.  And it is a choice.  We have a choice about first of all, showing up and then secondly, participating.  I've showed up a social events or meetings but not participated, so while my physical body is present I am mentally and emotionally absent.  Maybe that's okay every now and then but it shouldn't be the norm.

Have you been showing up for your life?  More importantly, have you been participating once you make an appearance?  What might be keeping you from engaging in life? Are there things you can change or do differently to prompt action?  Or maybe it's not you having a tough time appearing in your life, maybe it's someone you know.  How could you help them? Encourage them?