Tangled Webs

Tangled webs have been on my mind a lot recently. A lie is told, accidentally or on purpose, and what comes after that is a practice of deception unless truth is told immediately. When you or I have to tell a lie to cover up another lie then we have entered into practicing deception. And we have started to weave a tangled web.  It's going to be up to us how tangled the web becomes.

The thing about tangled webs is eventually they get destroyed.  Someone may innocently pick at part of your tangled mess of lies and begin the unraveling process.  Or perhaps someone starts purposely picking at part of your tangled web because they are suspicious.  Once one person starts picking it is only a matter of time before others can, and will, pick at other parts of the web and before we know it our tangled web of deception has been exposed and lies upon lies are revealed.

The fallout from the exposure of our practiced deception is going to be costly.  It will cost us relationships, careers, mental health, reputation, trust, and those are just the things that come to mind immediately.  It will cost more.  It will be a cost we may never be able to repay or can only be repaid partially. Trust is perhaps the biggest expense of our tangled web of deception. Once trust is broken it is incredibly hard to mend.

The interesting thing about our practiced deception is at some point we begin to believe the lies we are telling others and ourselves. We lose our sensitivity to truth. Once we begin to believe our own lies we start to justify our lies. We allow our deception to become our defense. We create more tangles in our web with the justifications we have to use in order to keep up the tangle we've gotten ourselves into.  But once that picking begins and the unraveling starts we find ourselves frantic, making mistakes, telling lies that are no longer believable, backing away from people and trying to extricate ourselves before all is revealed.  But the unraveling of our tangled web takes on a momentum of its own and we will not escape our practiced deception and the consequences of it. We will be required to face the fallout, feel the consequences, and be called into account for who we have hurt and the damage we have done.

Part of the tangled web of deception is a false belief that what we do and say affects nobody but us. That's just another lie we tell ourselves.  Deception always affects others, always. Those who have unknowingly, and unwillingly, been tangled up in the web will be hurt, feel betrayed, have anger, vacillate between disbelief and belief, and a whole host of other emotions. There will even be those who aren't tangled up in the web that get hurt.  Those just outside of the tangled mess can be affected as well.  The potential for them to feel the same degree of hurt, betrayal, anger, disbelief is real and almost certain.

Truth is like a well spun spider web. It connects, makes sense, you can see your way through it, it doesn't need to be picked at and unraveled. In a very real sense it is transparent, whereas a tangled web is opaque.

Webs, transparent or opaque, all start the same way. They start with a spun word and grow from there. It is our choice whether the web is well spun or becomes a tangled mess.

Evicting Regrets

I was a student at a Christian High School driving home one day with friends.  There were two car loads of us driving down a street in our city. Our windows were down and we were driving side by side kind of racing and doing stupid teenager stuff.  In a moment of "trash talk" I talked trash and let the F-bomb fly, loudly, out of my mouth. The shocked and stunned looks and silence greeted that moment and sobered me up pretty quickly. I can still remember my ears on fire from shame and my mouth feeling like it had been coated with some nasty chemical.  That was about 25 years ago and yet I can remember the regret and shame of it to this very second.   

I was still a student at a Christian High School and my boyfriend and I got too comfortable with one another. One night we were parked behind a deserted building, making out and taking things way too far. In a moment of teenage lust I asked him to take us way too far and in a moment of God's saving grace we were caught by a security guard that was on the premises.  He interrupted what would have turned into an even bigger regret. That was about 24 years ago and yet I can remember the regret and shame of one, having allowed lust to take over my standards and two, being caught in such a intimate position. To this day when I drive by that building I have to battle the shame that wells up in my soul. 

I was on staff at a local church and struggling with my emotional and mental baggage.  Unfortunately the man I was assisting took advantage of my struggles, which he knew about, and used them to his benefit when our working relationship was called into question.  (In case anyone wonders about my response to that questioning...EW.  Enough said.)  Without my knowledge, a list was written up and presented to other staff members for review and to hear his side of the supposed story before I was set in a chair and accused of multiple lies. (There is SO much wrong with this story right?)  I sat in that chair and read over a list of ways in which I was unacceptable and unworthy to be in ministry and the shame covered me like a heavy thick blanket. There was a whisper somewhere deep within me that said, "Fight back. Stand up for yourself, you know the truth," but the whisper was smothered by the shame this man was attempting to heap on me.  So I let them tell me who I was and didn't fight for myself.  I regret that.  I regret not standing up for myself; I regret not being stronger in spirit to speak truth against the lies being told. It took me 5 years to go back to some of those men and confront the shame they had attempted to cover me in and stand up for myself.

I have said things I regret, I have behaved in ways that I regret, I have had relationships that I regret, and my guess is you have too.  Regret seems to be a part of life.  I've been thinking about regrets for the past few months, I guess actually for the past year or so.  This could be a good or bad thing.  Sometimes when dwelling on regrets I can begin to wallow. Other times I can see the other side of it.  I have done a little bit of both in the past year when thinking about regrets but now I'm at the place where I am acknowledging them without the wallowing and choosing to move forward without them tagging along. I mean really, what am I going to do about something I regret from 25 years ago? Nothing. I'm going to do nothing because it is what it is now; even then it was what it was. I think I might be able to see that even in the regret there was something good and right that happened within it or as a result of it. It's a very "unanswered prayers" perspective I am allowing myself to have and I'm learning how to have.

I was wallowing a bit a few months ago.  A relationship that had ended years ago resurfaced and unsettled my soul.  I had found my own closure with the person, without their participation, and had moved on a few years earlier.  And then suddenly they entered into my world, albeit on the fringes. Old and even some new regrets presented themselves and I was wading through the quicksand of rocky emotions and "what ifs." That's what wallowing in regret does.  All these "what ifs" start talking and distort reality and truth.  "What ifs" blur lines that were sharp just a day ago.  Regret drags a countenance down.  Regret pulls us back to the past and convinces us that it is too late to start over, make a brand new start, forgive, change, etc.  Regret is the tool used to turn us away from truth.

The lie of regret says, "It's over, it's finished. You are stuck in this place forever."
The truth says, "You can start over right now this very second and move forward."

The lie of regret says, "Maybe if you had just waited it out and been more patient you would have gotten it."
The truth says, "Don't waste your life on a 'what if'.  Move forward and don't settle for second best."

The lie of regret says, "You can't change what you have done. You will be all alone now."
The truth says, "You can't change what you have done but you can make amends and seek restoration. You are not alone."

The lie of regret says, "Shame is your name, you need to hold on to it to remind yourself of your wretchedness."
The truth says, "You are not who you were, you are forgiven and released."

There's more where those lies and truth come from but you get the idea. My guess is you have battled some of those lies yourself.  They aren't unique to just me or you, lies are unimaginative and universal.  The truth is the cure for what ails.  And once truth conquers the lie we see that we can start over, start fresh, restore, and create a new story that is redemptive.

A couple of years ago my High School Yearbook Advisor contacted me and asked me to come and speak to a girls class she was teaching at the Christian High School I graduated from.  I sat down in front of these Christian High School teenagers, flooded with memories of my own days there, and told them about the F-bomb.  And I told them about the regret I have of that instance.  Then I shared with them what I learned in the years since about regret, shame, healing, and the power of words. I'm not the girl I was when the F-bomb flew out of my mouth, I'm better than a word that indicates I have no imagination or class.

Fast forward a few months after I spoke to the girls at the Christian High School.  The same teacher asked me back for a new class of girls. This time I sat in front of them and told them about my indiscretions with purity and the regret I have because of it.  I told them how my choices to lower my standards for temporal lust have affected me in the years since. Then I shared with them what I learned since then about regret, shame, healing, and purity.  I'm not the girl I was when I asked my boyfriend to take us physically farther than I knew was good for us, I'm better than a choice that indicates I have no self-control or standards.

About 5 years after I had been dismissed from the church staff because I was "unfit" I walked through the doors with my husband at my side. We sat in two offices that day and with both men I stood up for myself and truth as I should have done 5 years prior.  I presented evidence to refute the lies they believed about me, I confronted them on their own choices regarding the treatment of me, I gave them the full story rather than let the half-story sit out there and continue to distort truth. I could do this because regret had no hold on me and shame was not my name.  Some would say, "You waited five years?  Sheesh, couldn't you just let it go?" The answer is no. No, I could not let it go because God would not let it go.  And if I had not followed God's timing on the when and where of standing up for truth I would have new regrets to deal with. I do my best to avoid having regrets.  :)  Guess what?  The timing, five years later, was perfect.  Both men were in a place to hear me and to seek restoration with me. Freedom happened that day.

Does regret have a place in your life?  Have you allowed it to set up camp in your heart?  Has it gotten comfy in your mind?  Make a choice to evict regret and reclaim truth!  It may mean forgiving self, forgiving others, making a few lifestyle changes, taking a risk, etc but the long-term benefit of the choice to reclaim truth is worth any short-term pain.  I PROMISE.  Carl Bard said, "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."  Start from now and write a new ending to your story.  I am, so you are not alone!

By the way, I have never said the F-bomb again. *wink*

*Perspectives: On Parenting - Part 1

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  It's okay to have different ones!

When I held them in my arms just minutes after they were born all those years ago I prayed and wished more for them than what I was.  As they grew older and the hub and I had to make decisions and draw boundaries and sometimes swim upstream against culture I prayed and wished more for them than what I was.  With each passing year I breathed a sigh of relief that we all grew through the year and incredibly they were already better than what I was.  Still I prayed and wished more for them than what I was.  We faced the awkward Middle School years and we have not survived them, we have thrived in them.  Still I pray and wish more for them than what I was.  With one halfway through high school and one on the cusp of high school I dare to hope that they will continue to be more than what I was.  

This past year parenting became challenging, scary, hurtful, hard.  Both of our girls have experienced some emotional trauma and if you are a parent you know what that does to your own heart.  

I experienced my own emotional trauma (who hasn't?) in 6th grade. Sixth grade was a very defining year for me, although I wouldn't realize it until years later.  I'll spare you the details but this one: when I got home from school the day that this emotional trauma peaked, I walked into my Mama's bedroom with a tear streaked face and head hung in shame.  She picked up her phone, dialed the school, and gave the Principal of the school an earful.  The next week I found myself in a counselor's office.  My Mama showed me her heart that day when she went "Mama Bear" on my behalf.  As I said, that day was very defining.  I came away from my sixth grade year believing these messages about myself, "You are worthless", "You are not enough", "You will never be able to get 'it' right", "Your voice doesn't count", "You must be perfect", and other messages along those lines. Awesome right? Well I lived out of those messages for years, it wasn't until the past 10 years that I finally faced them and dealt with them.  So when I held my sweet redheads in my arms the day they were born and prayed and wished for them to be more than what I was, it was those messages I was praying out of their lives before they ever had a chance to enter in.  My hub and I have made sure that we communicate to our children the very opposite of what I lived with for years.  

But sometimes the lies are just a little louder or a little bolder than we anticipate. And until the past year my oldest redhead was strong in spirit, confident of herself, bold in her convictions, unwilling to allow peer pressure to speak into her life.  Somewhere along the way the little lies wiggled in until they sounded like her own voice.  My heart is broken. I wanted so desperately for my girls to not have to struggle with these kinds of lies. When I hear my oldest say these things that are not true I get angry and I'm devastated.  When my hub and I attempt to speak truth into her life and she rolls her eyes in disbelief or withdraws saying something like, "You have to say that because you are my parents" I feel a little part of my heart die.  When she allows the lies to convince her that we, her parents, don't believe in her or her potential I am angered and sick to my stomach. I know this battle.  I fought this battle for many years before finally finding victory.  It is an exhausting and damaging battle.  I don't want my child to fight this battle, there will be plenty of others she will have to fight.  

With my stomach in knots, my hands clammy, and my heart racing a mile a minute I lay in bed at night and I pray and I wish for her, for both of them, to be more than what I was and am.  And with my life experience as part of my guidebook for this adventure called parenting I, with a sinking heart, seek out a counselor she would be willing to talk to and to connect with so that she doesn't have to battle these lies for the next 15 years.  I look at her sister, so quirky in all good ways, and wonder what lies are already trying to wiggle in past the truth her Dad and I speak over her. She's already experienced some emotional trauma, very different than her sister's and that come with very different messages that, if believed, will be very damaging to her heart and relationships.  

I'm so scared for my girls.  My heart does double-time when I think of them being unhappy because of these lies and false messages.  The "Mama Bear" in me is clawing from within, anxious to be released and fight for her cubs.  But I have to be patient and wise about how I let my "Mama Bear" help.  I can't just let her loose, but I can let her have a voice from time to time.  But will my sweet redheads know that "Mama Bear" and I fight for them because they are loved and have the potential to be so much more than I ever was or am? 

I Run To You

I run from pain
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late
I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

(Chorus)
This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you baby
And when it all starts coming undone
Baby you’re the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin’ right on through
And our love’s the only truth
That’s why I run to you

Can the secular speak to the sacred?  I think so.  First time I heard this song I was struck by a few different lines that are truth about the sacred.  And every time since when I hear the song I am struck by those same lines and the truth that does not change. 

I run my life or is it running me
Do you feel ragged around your edges?  Like you are always figuratively trying to catch your breath?  Like your list of obligations (perceived or reality) just keeps getting longer?  Like there is no time to just be, there's only time to do?  If you do feel like that, and honestly I think most of us do, then it is possible that life is running you instead of you running it.  And if that's the case then you certainly aren't experiencing the abundant life.  Decide to make some changes and be pro-active.  What needs to change so that you are running your life and it isn't running you?

When lies become the truth, that’s when I run to you
Ever heard a lie so much that you begin to believe it is truth?  As soon as you recognize that the lie is masquerading as truth you are at a pivotal place.  Will you allow the lie to become truth or will you change the course and use the actual truth to disintegrate the lie?  When I hear this line the only person I think of that I can and do run to for truth is the author of it.  God.  He is the author of truth.  He holds in his hands the truth that can. does, and will change my life.  He is the one who shows me the lies that are fighting to take top spot in my life.  Do you have lies in your life that have become truth?  Run to the author of Truth and allow him to speak into those.

And our love’s the only truth, that’s why I run to you
In a world that doesn't value honesty and authenticity (even though we say we do) the only love that you can trust and rely on is that of God's.  Just as he is the author of truth so he is the author of true love.  His love is the only thing that will speak truth into your life, your relationships, your fears, your joys.

If you run to God you will find Truth permeate your life and as the world comes undone you will be secure in the life authored for you by the One who ordained it.