Dear Teenager, I want you to know...

...that this moment you are living is not the whole of your life. It feels like it, I know. Oh do I know. You see, I was a teenager once as well.  So were your parents. And while so much has changed about being a teenager this has not.  This moment, this hard and yucky and distressing moment, is not the whole of your life.  I'll even go so far as to say I promise it isn't.

Don't let this moment color your entire life. When the painting of your life is finished, this moment will be the tiniest speck of color, lost in the amazing life that waits for you. This moment might feel like a large blob of black dropped on to the canvas of your life but I promise you it isn't.  Don't allow this moment to define your whole life, it doesn't have that kind of power as long as you don't give it that power. This moment is simply texture on the painting of your life and we all need some texture.

Put this moment in its proper place. Don't allow it to be bigger than it is, casting shadows on all the good things in your life right now. In fact one of the ways to diminish the false power of this moment is to verbalize and live out gratitude.  When was the last time you truly did that?  When was the last time you thanked your parents for letting you stay out with friends until 10 pm instead of complain that they wouldn't let you stay out until 10:15 pm?  When was the last time you thanked your parents for providing food in the house instead of complain about not having your favorite snacks?  Do you see what I mean? It's a matter of perspective and this moment needs to be put in its place.  This moment is birthed from a lack of gratitude for what you do have and a sense of offense for what you think you need but haven't been provided.  That's called entitlement and it will steal your soul and give you more of these moments than you should have.

Sometimes this moment is birthed from a true injustice. You still have the power to put it in its place and control it instead of it controlling you. Find someone to help you, you can't do things like this alone.  There is no shame in needing some help, a guide, a mentor, someone with more life experience than you.  There's no shame in it, in fact seeking help is one of the wisest things you will ever do.

This moment is temporary.  It feels final.  But it isn't.  Even as soon as next year you will look back on it and shake your head at the feeble attempts to have power over you.  It is only temporary, however, as long as you put it in its proper place.  If you allow it to define you then it wins and you lose.

I've had moments. Moments born out of true injustice and moments because I lacked gratitude. Sometimes I still have moments but I know I cannot let them define me.  One of my greatest desires is to see you learn that lesson sooner rather than later like I did.  I wasted years, literally, of my life being defined by a moment or two.  I don't want that for you.  There's so much life to live, why let a moment spoil it?  On the timeline of your life being a teenager is going to be a speck.  Right now it feels momentous and like it covers such a large portion of your life. And it does, right now. But when you look back you'll see the reality of this time and these moments. There's so much more life to live and look forward to, don't let this moment derail you. Don't let this moment become so overwhelming that you think life can't be lived any longer.  People who take their lives have been derailed by a moment.  And sometimes they let moments build on top of one another until all they see are the blobs of black on the painting of their life.  They can't see the color.  But the color is there, I promise.

Dearest teenager, this moment, this hard and distressing moment, will pass. Take a nap, watch a comedy, list out what you are grateful for, take deep cleansing breaths, and recognize that the moment only has power as long as you let it. Have the hard conversations if that is what the moment requires, grab the hand of someone who won't let you go while you take control over this moment so it doesn't take control over you.

Don't let this moment have you, you are not this moment.

You are so much more.  

*Perspectives: On Parenting - Part 2

(If you missed it, here's Part 1)

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  
I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  

Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  

It's okay to have different ones!

To be a parent is to experience love and heartbreak in ways you never thought were even possible.  A kind of heartbreak I experience is when "Mama Bear" wants to defend her cubs from the hurt that has been dealt them.  Another kind of heartbreak is when your children push back at you for attempting to raise them to be responsible and lovely human beings.

I never thought about parenting before I became one.  Some parents I know had thought about it beforehand.  Some had decided they wanted to do things just like their parents did or exactly the opposite of their parents.  Some decided to do a few things their parents did.  But I never thought about it.  I never thought about what my parents did or didn't do so along with my hub I just parented how my gut and my God led me.  My hub and I never really discussed parenting either. Most couples discuss parenting styles so they know if they are on the same page or not but we never did.  We just parented.  And it has truly been by the grace of God that our redheads are really wonderful and unique human beings.  If they are at all like me they are version 2.0 while I am version 1.0.  There are parts of me that are envious of them, sometimes I say I want to be like them when I grow up. 

But both girls, in their own unique ways, have pushed back at our parenting in the past year or so.  Until this past year, in fact not until last week, did I realize that parenting teens is triggering some issues I dealt with long ago. I have found myself anxious, fearful, uncertain, frustrated.  This is not my typical parenting personality.  But with the push back we have received I find myself in a place I haven't been in a very long time. 

My spike in anxiety levels is symptomatic of classic people pleasing.  Hey, we all, myself included, want our kids to like us. But the reality is sometimes they aren't going to.  When the girls were younger, before Middle School years, I didn't allow my desire for them to like me affect my parenting or me in any way.  I had no problems if they decided not to like me for a minute or two.  I think mostly because it truly would only be a minute or two.  But then the moments of not liking me stretched out and the tension it created was uncomfortable.  People pleasers, in recovery or not, don't like tension.  The temptation to smooth things over was always present but until the fine art of negotiation began I never gave in to it.

In the past year or so our oldest has started negotiating with us.  It's one thing to make an appeal, it's another thing to negotiate.  And after months of this I can't take it anymore. It has sucked the very life out of me.  I dread any communication I have to have with her that I know she won't like and will push back on. At times, because of her insistence, the hub and I have compromised - we give in halfway and really to give in halfway is to give in all the way.  I believe we have done it because we don't want our daughter to be mad at us or not like us. But the reality is, at some point she's going to be mad at us and not like us.  We have to find a way to be okay with it and, as my sister-in-love said, continue to "get up in her grill." We have a responsibility to our children.  Whether they know it or not, whether they like it or not, they need us to stand our ground with them. 

I feel the weight of parenting on my heart these days.  And I feel the weight of my own struggles that parenting triggers.  Each time the hub and I decide a talk with one, or both, of our children needs to be had my heart feels about 10 times heavier than normal.  My anxiety rises and threatens to override my "Mama Bear" gut instinct. That's right.  "Mama Bear" fights for her cubs, defensively and offensively.  Not only do I fight for them when their hearts have been wounded by others but I fight for them when their hearts are being threatened by choices they are making and I know will wound them at some point.  "Mama Bear" and I aren't always going to win the fight but we need to at least show up and when I allow my people pleasing anxiety to interfere in the fight then I, and my daughters, lose. I'm incongruous. I happen to know that my gut instinct is always spot on so when I make a decision opposite it I am doing nobody any favors.

So on the nights I'm not laying there in the dark heart racing with fear over their emotional trauma, I'm laying there with heart racing over the disservice I may do them if I give in and don't stand my ground.  I utter prayers to God for wisdom and discernment.  I've asked, consistently, that if either one of my children are doing something that isn't right or trying to hide something from us then God would expose it so it could be dealt with.  I struggle internally with my fears of my children disliking me, being mad at me, distancing themselves from me.  And lately this happens more often than not.  It's been a hard and challenging "year" of parenting and the internal struggle with my issues combined with the external struggle with the oldest has exhausted me.  I am worn out, run down, living a black hole life.  But "Mama Bear" and I need to keep showing up for the fight for their hearts.  In the end it doesn't matter how worn out and run down I get, their hearts are worth it.  I just hope that someday my sweet redheads realize that. 

*Perspectives: On Parenting - Part 1

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  It's okay to have different ones!

When I held them in my arms just minutes after they were born all those years ago I prayed and wished more for them than what I was.  As they grew older and the hub and I had to make decisions and draw boundaries and sometimes swim upstream against culture I prayed and wished more for them than what I was.  With each passing year I breathed a sigh of relief that we all grew through the year and incredibly they were already better than what I was.  Still I prayed and wished more for them than what I was.  We faced the awkward Middle School years and we have not survived them, we have thrived in them.  Still I pray and wish more for them than what I was.  With one halfway through high school and one on the cusp of high school I dare to hope that they will continue to be more than what I was.  

This past year parenting became challenging, scary, hurtful, hard.  Both of our girls have experienced some emotional trauma and if you are a parent you know what that does to your own heart.  

I experienced my own emotional trauma (who hasn't?) in 6th grade. Sixth grade was a very defining year for me, although I wouldn't realize it until years later.  I'll spare you the details but this one: when I got home from school the day that this emotional trauma peaked, I walked into my Mama's bedroom with a tear streaked face and head hung in shame.  She picked up her phone, dialed the school, and gave the Principal of the school an earful.  The next week I found myself in a counselor's office.  My Mama showed me her heart that day when she went "Mama Bear" on my behalf.  As I said, that day was very defining.  I came away from my sixth grade year believing these messages about myself, "You are worthless", "You are not enough", "You will never be able to get 'it' right", "Your voice doesn't count", "You must be perfect", and other messages along those lines. Awesome right? Well I lived out of those messages for years, it wasn't until the past 10 years that I finally faced them and dealt with them.  So when I held my sweet redheads in my arms the day they were born and prayed and wished for them to be more than what I was, it was those messages I was praying out of their lives before they ever had a chance to enter in.  My hub and I have made sure that we communicate to our children the very opposite of what I lived with for years.  

But sometimes the lies are just a little louder or a little bolder than we anticipate. And until the past year my oldest redhead was strong in spirit, confident of herself, bold in her convictions, unwilling to allow peer pressure to speak into her life.  Somewhere along the way the little lies wiggled in until they sounded like her own voice.  My heart is broken. I wanted so desperately for my girls to not have to struggle with these kinds of lies. When I hear my oldest say these things that are not true I get angry and I'm devastated.  When my hub and I attempt to speak truth into her life and she rolls her eyes in disbelief or withdraws saying something like, "You have to say that because you are my parents" I feel a little part of my heart die.  When she allows the lies to convince her that we, her parents, don't believe in her or her potential I am angered and sick to my stomach. I know this battle.  I fought this battle for many years before finally finding victory.  It is an exhausting and damaging battle.  I don't want my child to fight this battle, there will be plenty of others she will have to fight.  

With my stomach in knots, my hands clammy, and my heart racing a mile a minute I lay in bed at night and I pray and I wish for her, for both of them, to be more than what I was and am.  And with my life experience as part of my guidebook for this adventure called parenting I, with a sinking heart, seek out a counselor she would be willing to talk to and to connect with so that she doesn't have to battle these lies for the next 15 years.  I look at her sister, so quirky in all good ways, and wonder what lies are already trying to wiggle in past the truth her Dad and I speak over her. She's already experienced some emotional trauma, very different than her sister's and that come with very different messages that, if believed, will be very damaging to her heart and relationships.  

I'm so scared for my girls.  My heart does double-time when I think of them being unhappy because of these lies and false messages.  The "Mama Bear" in me is clawing from within, anxious to be released and fight for her cubs.  But I have to be patient and wise about how I let my "Mama Bear" help.  I can't just let her loose, but I can let her have a voice from time to time.  But will my sweet redheads know that "Mama Bear" and I fight for them because they are loved and have the potential to be so much more than I ever was or am? 

Dear Parent, did you know?

Dear Parent,
Thanks for your letter, it helped me understand you a little better.  I'll try to remember you are human from now on but I make no promises.  Since we are talking and all, I thought maybe you should know a few things from me.

Did you know that I want to talk to you and be honest with you but won't when you don't seem to want to listen but talk at me?  I'm trying to figure stuff out and sometimes I just need you to listen to me and not try to give me any of that "life experience" that you talk about.  I need to have my own "life experiences" so I can one day talk to my kids with my own lessons learned.  Can you just listen and let me try to work it out on my own?  We both might be surprised at the outcome.  There will be times I want to hear about your "life experiences" but you'll know when I want to, I'll ask.

Yeah, yeah.  You were a teenager once blah, blah, blah.  Well now it's my turn.  I need you to be the parent, the adult, and let me be the teenager.  I don't want a friend, I have those.  I want an adult who I know is going to drive me crazy but also give me a place to figure this life stuff out.  Please quit trying to be my friend. I've seen you and your parents and I know we can be friends later, right now I need a parent. Yes, I might tell you how I'm feeling about something or someone, I really need for you to step it up and respond to it like a parent and not my best friend.  If you don't then I'm not going to talk to you about much of anything anymore.

Did you know that I know that you make mistakes?  Sure I know it but when I have tried to tell you and you have bitten my head off and made it seem like you are never wrong I back away.  Okay fine, maybe I didn't tell you in the nicest way but you still made a mistake.  It wouldn't hurt you to apologize to me you know. You raised me to apologize when I do something wrong, make a mistake, or something so why aren't you following your own advice?  Did you know that I will respect you more when I see you own up for your mistakes?

Did you know that you can trust me until I give you a reason not to?  After all, you did raise me.  And while I may not act like I heard you all those years, I did.  Try trusting me and seeing what happens.  You may be surprised at what I do or say.  That being said, I'm going to make mistakes (it's part of getting my own "life experiences" remember?) and while I know there may be punishment I wish you would also listen to me when I try to explain my thought process about the mistake.  Sure, I hate being punished but maybe if you can also help me figure out what to do or say differently next time in a productive way then I might be a little nicer while serving my time.  After all, you do want me to learn from my mistakes right?  Then help me learn.

Did you know that when you yell and use phrases like, "When you live under my roof you'll follow my rules" that I tune out?  Like I said earlier, when you talk at me and not to me I glaze over.  Was that effective with you when you were a teenager?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  Maybe it's time to try a new approach.  Just because I am young doesn't mean I don't know how to think and respond in a mature way.  Try treating me with a little respect and as if I have some maturity.  You might be surprised.

Did you know that I have my own dreams for the future and I don't want to be the one to live out yours? Please don't force me into some mold you think I belong in.  If you do that I will end up resenting you.  I am my own person and should have the freedom to live out my own dreams, if you support me in that then I will probably support you in going after yours.

One last thing.  This is a secret so can you keep it quiet please and not out me to my friends or anything like that?  I secretly like being a part of this family and when we hang out together I do have fun.  I know I might act all bored and annoyed with my siblings or you guys but actually I like it.  I like knowing that I have a family who loves me and is there for me.  So, yeah, thanks.

Dear Teenager, did you know?

Dear Teenager,

This isn't about how you dress or what you watch or listen to - you've heard from plenty of other people about that.  This is about your parents. You know, the people who live in the same house as you - they feed you, they pay bills to ensure you have a roof over your head, they clothe you, they love you (I hope).  

Did you know that your parents aren't just parents?  I think you might know that intellectually but I think you also might forget, when I was a teenager I forgot too.  We all need a reminder from time to time.  

Did you know that once upon a time your parents were teenagers "just" like you?  They had best friends and boyfriends/girlfriends, they had to go to school and do homework, they had fights with their own parents and rolled their eyes at them too.  Your parents also had dreams about their futures, they had goals, they had TV shows they loved and hated, music genres they loved and hated, a fashion style that was either "in" or "out". Did you know that your parents probably had their heart broken by someone?  

Did you know that your parents aren't just parents?  They are humans that have feelings just like you. They still have dreams and goals they would like to see come to fruition someday.  They can still get heartbroken. They still have homework - most of the time it just looks a little different.  Sometimes they still fight with their parents or siblings.  They still have friendship troubles of their own from time to time.  They still have a romantic/love relationship that needs attention and requires work from time to time (that's your other parent I'm referring to).  

Did you know that when you snap at them because you are having a bad day or are annoyed at the moment or think they are purposely trying to bug you that you hurt their feelings?  Just like your feelings may be hurt if they do that to you or someone else does.  Did you know that your parents also have bad days, get annoyed at people, and feel slighted by others (including you!)?  

Have you ever thought about your parents as humans rather than parents?  Again, intellectually I think you know they are humans but we all get stuck in our ruts and forget that people are more than their labels.  Your parents aren't just parents, that role isn't the entirety of their life - that is just a part of their life.  They are sons/daughters, husband/wife, friends, brother/sister, co-workers, talented, dreamers, aunt/uncle, passionate, fill in the blank.  

Do you know the dreams of your parents?  Do you know what they are passionate about outside of what you see they do day in and day out?  Do you know what their favorite color is and why?  Or what their favorite drink or dessert is?  Do you know what they do at their job (if they work outside of the home)?  Do you know why they are so protective of you?  What do you know about your parents outside of the label parent?  They know you.  They study you and commit to memory your favorite things, what annoys you, what makes you smile, they listen carefully to what you are and aren't saying about your future.  Have you taken the time to listen to them (they may not be as boring as you think!)?  

Your parents are living their own stories, you aren't the only one whose story is being written.  Their stories are still being written, they are just a few chapters ahead of you.  While they are your parents, remember they are also people who have feelings, dreams, and hopes just like you.  

Sincerely, 

A parent who is also a wife, Mom, daughter, sister, Aunt, friend, co-worker, and has big dreams