Curves and Edges

Have you heard the song by John Legend called "All of me"? There is one line that makes me really pause and consider it's deeper meaning:

'Cause all of me

Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you

That line in the midst of the lines that surround it has me really thoughtful about relationships, specifically the marriage relationship.  I've got curves and edges and I'm not talking about my physical body. My moods have curves and edges, my behaviors have curves and edges, my feelings have curves and edges and my marriage is the one relationship where those curves and edges are probably the most seen and felt.  If my hub were honest (and he oftentimes is not when it comes to me which means I have to be more honest about myself than I prefer) he would say that in the past couple of years I've had more edges than curves.  I could give you a list of reasons and excuses and about 99% of them would be valid and make sense.  But that doesn't give me an excuse to live with my husband in edges and not curves. Some of the edges are my own fault, I need to own what I have contributed to.  And with the edges created by circumstances, conflicts, and misunderstandings I still don't have an excuse to be edgy with this man that I entered into covenant with so many years ago.

The amazing thing about my edges is that my hub chooses to love me in spite of them.  He treats edgy Beth the same way he treats curvy Beth.  Yet I remain edgy with him. I haven't allowed his curves to soften my edges.  Somehow in spite of my numerous edges and lack of curves, specifically with my hub, he is able to say that he loves my curves and all my edges. Clearly I have a lot more work to do in the true love department than he does.  

I've been pondering how to soften my edges and turn them into curves. I have a lot of work to do I think. Let me be a little more honest. I know, not think, I have a lot of work to do.  My Type A nature tends to despair when faced with work to do and I can't figure out how to get it done.  But in my 30's my Type A nature has been reined in during those moments by the truth of Philippians 1:6. I am a work in progress.  My hub married a work in progress and I married a work in progress when I said "I do" to him.  Then we had two redheads who are works in progress and none of us are complete yet.  The beautiful truth is that we are promised to not be left incomplete, the truth is that we will be finished according to the design of our Creator. Thank goodness! It's true that I can stall the work in progress when I won't allow my edges to be sanded down into curves.  But I've grown up enough to want the sanding to proceed.  I don't want to be edgy with my hub, I want to be curvy with him.  Grace is showing me the ways in which I need sanding, hope is showing me I can have more curves than edges, love is showing me that my hub's curves can soften my edges - if only I will allow it.

I don't know what John Legend's intended meaning for that line was but each time I hear it I am struck with the picture of my hub having to live with edgy Beth and not curvy Beth.  And while he loves me as is I am challenged to do the hard work of sanding so that my edges transform into curves and our marriage reflects the softer lines of covenant relationship. 

Dear Parent, did you know?

Dear Parent,
Thanks for your letter, it helped me understand you a little better.  I'll try to remember you are human from now on but I make no promises.  Since we are talking and all, I thought maybe you should know a few things from me.

Did you know that I want to talk to you and be honest with you but won't when you don't seem to want to listen but talk at me?  I'm trying to figure stuff out and sometimes I just need you to listen to me and not try to give me any of that "life experience" that you talk about.  I need to have my own "life experiences" so I can one day talk to my kids with my own lessons learned.  Can you just listen and let me try to work it out on my own?  We both might be surprised at the outcome.  There will be times I want to hear about your "life experiences" but you'll know when I want to, I'll ask.

Yeah, yeah.  You were a teenager once blah, blah, blah.  Well now it's my turn.  I need you to be the parent, the adult, and let me be the teenager.  I don't want a friend, I have those.  I want an adult who I know is going to drive me crazy but also give me a place to figure this life stuff out.  Please quit trying to be my friend. I've seen you and your parents and I know we can be friends later, right now I need a parent. Yes, I might tell you how I'm feeling about something or someone, I really need for you to step it up and respond to it like a parent and not my best friend.  If you don't then I'm not going to talk to you about much of anything anymore.

Did you know that I know that you make mistakes?  Sure I know it but when I have tried to tell you and you have bitten my head off and made it seem like you are never wrong I back away.  Okay fine, maybe I didn't tell you in the nicest way but you still made a mistake.  It wouldn't hurt you to apologize to me you know. You raised me to apologize when I do something wrong, make a mistake, or something so why aren't you following your own advice?  Did you know that I will respect you more when I see you own up for your mistakes?

Did you know that you can trust me until I give you a reason not to?  After all, you did raise me.  And while I may not act like I heard you all those years, I did.  Try trusting me and seeing what happens.  You may be surprised at what I do or say.  That being said, I'm going to make mistakes (it's part of getting my own "life experiences" remember?) and while I know there may be punishment I wish you would also listen to me when I try to explain my thought process about the mistake.  Sure, I hate being punished but maybe if you can also help me figure out what to do or say differently next time in a productive way then I might be a little nicer while serving my time.  After all, you do want me to learn from my mistakes right?  Then help me learn.

Did you know that when you yell and use phrases like, "When you live under my roof you'll follow my rules" that I tune out?  Like I said earlier, when you talk at me and not to me I glaze over.  Was that effective with you when you were a teenager?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  Maybe it's time to try a new approach.  Just because I am young doesn't mean I don't know how to think and respond in a mature way.  Try treating me with a little respect and as if I have some maturity.  You might be surprised.

Did you know that I have my own dreams for the future and I don't want to be the one to live out yours? Please don't force me into some mold you think I belong in.  If you do that I will end up resenting you.  I am my own person and should have the freedom to live out my own dreams, if you support me in that then I will probably support you in going after yours.

One last thing.  This is a secret so can you keep it quiet please and not out me to my friends or anything like that?  I secretly like being a part of this family and when we hang out together I do have fun.  I know I might act all bored and annoyed with my siblings or you guys but actually I like it.  I like knowing that I have a family who loves me and is there for me.  So, yeah, thanks.

Dear Teenager, did you know?

Dear Teenager,

This isn't about how you dress or what you watch or listen to - you've heard from plenty of other people about that.  This is about your parents. You know, the people who live in the same house as you - they feed you, they pay bills to ensure you have a roof over your head, they clothe you, they love you (I hope).  

Did you know that your parents aren't just parents?  I think you might know that intellectually but I think you also might forget, when I was a teenager I forgot too.  We all need a reminder from time to time.  

Did you know that once upon a time your parents were teenagers "just" like you?  They had best friends and boyfriends/girlfriends, they had to go to school and do homework, they had fights with their own parents and rolled their eyes at them too.  Your parents also had dreams about their futures, they had goals, they had TV shows they loved and hated, music genres they loved and hated, a fashion style that was either "in" or "out". Did you know that your parents probably had their heart broken by someone?  

Did you know that your parents aren't just parents?  They are humans that have feelings just like you. They still have dreams and goals they would like to see come to fruition someday.  They can still get heartbroken. They still have homework - most of the time it just looks a little different.  Sometimes they still fight with their parents or siblings.  They still have friendship troubles of their own from time to time.  They still have a romantic/love relationship that needs attention and requires work from time to time (that's your other parent I'm referring to).  

Did you know that when you snap at them because you are having a bad day or are annoyed at the moment or think they are purposely trying to bug you that you hurt their feelings?  Just like your feelings may be hurt if they do that to you or someone else does.  Did you know that your parents also have bad days, get annoyed at people, and feel slighted by others (including you!)?  

Have you ever thought about your parents as humans rather than parents?  Again, intellectually I think you know they are humans but we all get stuck in our ruts and forget that people are more than their labels.  Your parents aren't just parents, that role isn't the entirety of their life - that is just a part of their life.  They are sons/daughters, husband/wife, friends, brother/sister, co-workers, talented, dreamers, aunt/uncle, passionate, fill in the blank.  

Do you know the dreams of your parents?  Do you know what they are passionate about outside of what you see they do day in and day out?  Do you know what their favorite color is and why?  Or what their favorite drink or dessert is?  Do you know what they do at their job (if they work outside of the home)?  Do you know why they are so protective of you?  What do you know about your parents outside of the label parent?  They know you.  They study you and commit to memory your favorite things, what annoys you, what makes you smile, they listen carefully to what you are and aren't saying about your future.  Have you taken the time to listen to them (they may not be as boring as you think!)?  

Your parents are living their own stories, you aren't the only one whose story is being written.  Their stories are still being written, they are just a few chapters ahead of you.  While they are your parents, remember they are also people who have feelings, dreams, and hopes just like you.  

Sincerely, 

A parent who is also a wife, Mom, daughter, sister, Aunt, friend, co-worker, and has big dreams