I was standing in my boss' office earlier this week in tears. Poor guy.
I was standing there, trying not to do that uncontrollable cry in front of him - failing for the most part. And he was sitting looking at me - contemplative and concerned.
We had a hard conversation but we were okay. And yet there it came, creeping up on me...literally. I could feel the burn of the tears start working their way up from my heart into my throat and straight for my eyes. Darn it. I kept swallowing down the tears but the red flush taking over my neck and face were giving me away.
"What's going on? Why are you feeling this [conversation] so deeply?"
And the floodgates opened. I couldn't swallow back the tears any longer. I tried to laugh while a sob escaped and I choked out, "Because I'm a counselor. Because I hear things that aren't said out loud and I see things that most people don't. Because I have the gift of discernment and it sucks most of the time because I'm hardly ever believed. Because I hate working for ministries, I'm so frustrated."
And then I couldn't stop crying.
My poor boss.
About 10 years ago I was working at a church in the town where I live. I had survived, barely, one conflict within our church staff already and was already labeled as a "troublemaker." So I was toeing the line, so to speak. I regret that now by the way. I wasn't toeing the line, I was people pleasing and enabling the bad behavior of others and even myself to some extent. Anyway. In a series of events I switched 'departments' and moved from Children's Ministry to assistant to one of the Pastors.
The tricky part of the move was the Pastor I was now assisting also happened to be my current counselor. Oh that conflict I mentioned above? Yeah part of keeping my job was a requirement to be counseled by the counseling Pastor on staff. I should have quit my job dammit. So when I made the move to assisting him and also being counseled by him (are the warning bells clanging loudly in your head too?) I had more than one meeting with him in which I asked to get my own counselor so there wouldn't be a blurred line between my job and my personal life, of which he knew quite a bit by this point. I was assured over and over again that he could maintain the separation. So I eventually gave up asking and we continued on - employee and counselee.
Then it happened. As it had to. In what scenario does it ever work out that your boss can also be your counselor and keep it all separated and not use it against you to protect himself? In no scenario, I'm proof of that. I have plenty of evidence to back it up.*
To back up just a bit let me explain the culture of this staff that, in the end, contributed greatly to the betrayal coming my way. It was a staff of men whom I called "The Boys" and lest one thinks that is a compliment let me set the record straight. It's not. Not at all. In fact, to be clear, the following phrases/terms are not compliments but warnings: "The Boys", "The Good 'ole Boys Club", "The Good 'ole Boys Network" or any other variation on that theme. And sometimes a woman or two sneak in and are a part of that 'club' so it's not necessarily gender specific all of the time. The conflict I had already endured was actually at the hands of a woman who was part of "The Boys" so really betrayal number one was thanks to a woman. Women who join "The Boys" are more dangerous to themselves and others than the actual boys.
Accusations were being whispered around the hallways of the church and I had no idea. Some women of the church started a rumor that I made a claim about myself and the Pastor I was assisting that sounded like we had an inappropriate relationship. EW.
EW EW EW EW.
*shudder*
*gag*
If you 1) saw this pastor you would know that my response is legit and 2) knew this pompous pastor you would know my response is legit.
I can only surmise, however, that he liked the idea that I might be harboring some sort of inappropriate feelings for him because what he did with the rumors is where the betrayal picks up momentum as it heads toward me. He told his wife, who by the way is more dangerous than any "Boys Club" - she is a force of her own, mean-spirited, critical, negative, self-righteous, I could go on but I won't. Together they devised a plan to save his reputation but let mine get run over until it resembled nothing but mangled heart and spirit.
The plan included taking the personal information they both knew about me from counseling sessions and using it as reasons for why I was unacceptable to work in or for a ministry and God himself. Then after they typed out their 2 pages of reasoning (I use that term about them in the lightest sense possible) he turned it over to "The Boys" and made his case. Oh, and by the way I had NO idea any of this was going on. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. I knew something was off but I couldn't figure out what it might be. Now here's where the betrayal really gained ground and collision with me was the next stop.
"The Boys" read the 2 pages of complete lies and believed them without asking me for any input about myself. Yes, not once did someone approach me and ask to have an adult conversation in which I could have an opportunity to even be informed of what was being said and going on. I was in the dark and I was kept in the dark.
I arrived at work one day, in the dark, and suddenly this Pastor is agreeable to have a "counseling session" with me even though one wasn't scheduled. Huh. Oookkkkaaay. And in the session, which let's be honest was more work related than personal related because this dude was delusional and could not keep the two separated, some things were said and suggested that got my attention. And suddenly the dark I had been in had some light dispelling it and I knew something was really wrong. I was asked to take an extended break and return to the office that afternoon about 5. Um, gee I think I might know what that means. (I'm not as stupid as some believe me to be.)
So I returned at 5ish, after pacing the floor of my parents empty house and being told (literally) by God that I was going to get fired but everything was going to be okay. I called the hub, told him I was getting fired but I didn't know what for and would tell him when I got home. And then I showed up so the betrayal and I could finally meet face to face.
One of "The Boys" was in the office along with the Pastor who had a deep need to protect himself from any sort of accusations - true or false (I mentioned EW on my part but it's unclear about his feelings. EW.) I was handed two sheets of paper with lies and accusations neatly printed up on it and was told, not asked, that all of those words were true about me and my feelings and I was those words and therefore unfit for God and his people. No, I'm not joking.
Huh. Anytime I opened my mouth and tried to dispute something I was told, not asked, to be quiet and just admit that all of this was true. Huh. I had no way out, they had backed me into a corner I didn't even realize existed and I was not allowed out of the corner. They were attempting to put me in time out for the rest of my life. And not only that but they were also telling me to confess that I had inappropriate feelings for this Pastor. EW. I refused. I wouldn't do it because it was not true.
Clearly I was fired because I wasn't fit for God and his people. But I was told that the story was I had quit by my own choice to focus on my family (dammit) and if any other version got out but that story there would be consequences. (Anyone else wondering why in the hell I bought that line of bully tactics?) I left in shock. I didn't know what to say, what to do. I couldn't believe the collision that had just taken place. I drove home but I don't remember how.
The betrayal had layers. Bullying, abuse, self-protection, lies (duh), and baggage. So much baggage. It seems to me, and those who walked with me through this time, that the most obvious baggage is that of now having a male boss. The last male boss, the Pastor/Counselor, I had betrayed me on deep levels. He used personal information about me to shame me into protecting his reputation. During my time as his assistant I endured abusive behavior from him and his wife. They used me to protect themselves and their bad behavior. I was used as their scapegoat for all sorts of things that I will keep private, there's no good now in rehashing them. They bullied me into keeping unhealthy secrets about them and their family. They were toxic and slowly, as a successful poisoning happens, poisoned me for their purposes. I almost, figuratively, died. But they cut me loose before I could perish and for that I am grateful. While the betrayal was, and still is, deeply painful it was also my saving grace. While the women who started rumors about an inappropriate relationship are no longer welcome to even be spoken of in my presence I am grateful; their lying tongues ensured that the slow poison of this man and his wife to take me out was preempted. And I survived.But I didn't walk away without scars and cuts so deep that 10 years later, standing in my current boss' office, the bleeding was still happening.
*I've briefly talked about this before but not so candidly. Those thoughts are found here, here, and here.
Click here for Part 2
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