The Cost of Betrayal {Epilogue}

{If you missed parts 1 & 2 you'll want to click here}

Yes, what about the others?  

What about the Pastor, and his wife, that screwed me over?

What about my husband, whom I haven't mentioned much at all?

What about the Good 'ole Boys Club who choose to look the other way?

What about me?  Did I stay at the church?  Of course not, right?  Or did I? 

The saying is, "Karma's a bitch" and there's some truth in that. I don't know about karma, per se, but I do know that we don't get away with bad behavior and treating people poorly. It eventually catches up to us and when it does...watch out.  It's going to bitch slap you.* The thing I've had to work through is the way it has come back around on the various people who participated in my collision with betrayal.  It hasn't always been in the way I would have chosen but in ways that were more, well, God. *grin*

But let's catch up on my hub, because clearly he wasn't a betrayer. 

I drove home that day in shock.  Rather dangerous as I have zero memory of the drive and how I even managed to safely get home. I walked in the door and all my hub had to do was look at my face. And then he transformed. At that time we had been married about 11 years and in all our years together I had never seen him with such emotion.  He flushed, his fists clenched and he started for the door. "I'm going to go knock on his door and on his face." I stopped him. I didn't want to but I did anyway because I knew we were going to have to be the bigger people here. I knew how we chose to respond was going to be watched and scrutinized and I was determined to make sure we stayed innocent in this mess. In the next few days he had several phone conversations with the Pastor. He stomped around the house, sweating and angry while his wife (that's me) cried and cowered in figurative corners, unsure of what to do.  We didn't even need to talk about the accusations of inappropriate feelings or relationship between Pastor and I.  My hub knew me and knew that there was no way an ounce of truth existed about that. In the next few months, yes months, my hub was with me at any meeting that happened and he even held a couple of his own. He wouldn't back down and he wouldn't let the Pastor and any of his buddies off the hook.  He relentlessly pursued truth on my behalf.  I sat home on the couch in stunned silence most of the time. He was God's provision of Psalm 91 to me, which years before I had asked God to give me a man that could be his earthly representation on that in my life. And my hub rose to the occasion. 

Be careful of what you plant and water.

The Pastor, and his wife, got away with it for a season. My hub did back him into a corner I bet the Pastor didn't know existed and got him to admit he had wronged me on some level.  It was the most we were going to get from him so we took it. To this day he and his wife have never come to my hub and I seeking sincere forgiveness and confessing their sin against me. They have maintained their self-righteous attitude and the two pages of neatly typed lies they created about me. It certainly created some awkward moments in the months after that when we did run into each other. More awkward for him than me but still awkward. 

The Good 'ole Boys. Ah, yes them. Well there were two that played a crucial part in the whole betrayal.  The senior Pastor and another Pastor on staff then.*  And their behavior is part of the debt of betrayal I live with. It took me 5 years to go back to those men and confront the shame they had attempted to cover me in and stand up for myself. FIVE YEARS. *I walked through the doors of the church with my husband at my side. We sat in two offices that day and with both men I stood up for myself and truth as I should have done 5 years prior.  I presented evidence to refute the lies they believed about me, I confronted them on their own choices regarding the treatment of me, I gave them the full story rather than let the half-story sit out there and continue to distort truth. I could do this because regret had no hold on me and shame was not my name.  Some would say, "You waited five years?  Sheesh, couldn't you just let it go?" The answer is no. No, I could not let it go because God would not let it go.  And if I had not followed God's timing on the when and where of standing up for truth I would have new regrets to deal with. I do my best to avoid having regrets. Guess what?  The timing, five years later, was perfect.  Both men were in a place to hear me and to seek restoration with me. Freedom, for me and I hope for them, happened that day. 

And me? Well by this point you may have figured out that I stayed, we stayed, at that church until I was released by God. And our continued presence, and service, made some people very uncomfortable. Some women started avoiding me (gee, perhaps because they started the rumor?!), the Pastor and his wife tried to ignore me but yet 'stalk' me at the same time (it was weird and unnerving), the senior Pastor from time to time would ask me why I had stayed and exclaim disbelief that anyone would after how I had been treated (clearly he wasn't putting all the dots together...), but then another Pastor took me under his wing and with him I went to Africa twice and helped head up a couple of different ministries in the church. I was even asked to teach at one of the women's retreats (and I did teach, on fear of man and people pleasing). All the while waiting to be released. It took 5 years for release to happen for me personally. The hub just left that church for good last year. 

People, many many people, thought I was crazy to stay. Oh believe me, I begged God to give me release but he held out until the right time. While I stayed and waited the Pastor dug some deep holes of his own and quit before he was let go.   But I was still there. It's important to note that I could have started up the bulldozer and dug his holes for him a bit quicker but I didn't. I didn't give in to that desire to seek revenge or *help* truth get exposed. I stayed quiet, I stayed away from him, and I let him dig his own hole.  This bit of wisdom became my mantra and something I still try to practice to this day, "Do not retaliate with evil, regardless of the evil brought against you. Try to do what is good and right and honorable as agreed upon by all people. If it is within your power, make peace with all people. Again, my loved ones, do not seek revenge; instead, allow God’s wrath to make sure justice is served. Turn it over to Him. For the Scriptures say, “Revenge is Mine. I will settle all scores.” But consider this bit of wisdom: “If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink; because if you treat him kindly, it will be like heaping hot coals on top of his head.” Never let evil get the best of you; instead, overpower evil with the good." Guess what I have discovered?  That wisdom, when practiced and applied, works! And it keeps the one practicing it in a clear conscience and with a peace that no human could possibly ever understand on their own. So I let him dig his own hole.  

When God gave me release it was a relief. I didn't leave in a huff, I didn't leave in the early stages of wounding, I didn't even leave with any emotion at all. I just left. I left stronger, I left healthier emotionally and spiritually, I left having found my voice again. Such a burden lifted the moment I knew I could leave.  

The cost of betrayal is high but I'm paying down the debt as I can. Are you living in a deficit due to betrayal? Start paying down that debt, you won't regret it. 

* I know. That seems and/or sounds harsh right?  Well betrayal is harsh and the consequences of it are going to be harsh also. 

* Gasp. Beth, did you just 'name' the other participants? Yep. Is there a reason I shouldn't have? Hiding and/or continuing to cover for people doesn't do anyone any good when all is said and done. I'm not naming actual names or even the church so let's all just breathe. 

*This excerpt is taken from a post I wrote about regrets.