The Cost of Betrayal {Part 2}

{If you missed part 1 click here}

My current boss, I like to call him The Chief these days, is the first male boss I have had and been willing to have since the collision with betrayal 10 years ago.  

When I interviewed for the position a couple of years ago and realized, in the middle of the interview, that he was a he and he would be the first male boss I had since the whole collision my heart paused. I wasn't sure I could have a male boss again. It suddenly felt more raw than it had in a long time. So I had to step back and think. 

If I was going to take the chance again with a male boss a few things were clear.

1) The Chief wasn't the Pastor. Two totally different men. 2) Whatever distrust I had regarding the Pastor I could not transfer to The Chief, that wasn't fair to him. 3) I was stronger now 8 years later than I was then, 8 years prior. I didn't believe in enabling bad behavior under the guise of God or Pastor title (or any title actually) and I didn't believe that I did not have important things to say. 4) I believed more than ever in my gift of discernment as it hadn't let me down yet. I had let it down but not in 8 years and I wasn't about to make that mistake again. 5) Boundaries will need to be established that I stick to, and insist on, no matter what.  

I took the job. 

I got some counsel from my hub and friends who had walked the road of betrayal with me 8 years prior. They helped me establish the boundaries I would personally need and reminded me of the facts - Chief wasn't Pastor so don't make him pay for the Pastor's sins. Trusting a male boss again can work out.

The Chief isn't the Pastor. It was quickly apparent that Chief was way healthier emotionally and spiritually than the Pastor. For example, he knew boundaries were appropriate and important. Over the past 2 plus years of working together we have learned about each other, learned to trust one another, and we've never had any boundary issues. It has been a healing experience for me personally. He has given me space to use my voice and share opinions. He has defended me and he has asked me for "my side" of any conflict that has popped up in the workplace.  He has allowed me to say hard (and perhaps harsh) things and not 'punished' me for them but instead worked with me to get to the core of what I'm saying. He has been a part of the redemption*, unknowingly, of the situation from 10 years ago.  I love the truth of Joel 2:25, "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...." It sounds a little dramatic but the fallout from betrayal can eat up years of an abundant life. Yet God stays true to his word, he pays us back for those lost years and then some.  

The Chief and I, June 2015. 

He's not perfect, neither am I. But he's always more than willing to admit to his mess-ups, imperfections, and sins. I am too. He's helped the wounds of the betrayal scab over and toughen me up and the best part? He hasn't tried to do that, he just did by being who he is. 

So why was I standing in his office this past week unsuccessfully swallowing back tears? 

Prompted by our hard - but okay - conversation, betrayal came for a little visit. It sat down and started to unpack its baggage. 

"Maybe I just care too much." And saying that I got up to leave before the uncontrollable sob that was threatening to escape came out. Asked for more of an explanation I brought up *The God Card.* Chief disagreed with me and that sob kept creeping up to burst out. I was doing my best to keep it contained. I was failing. I also couldn't quite figure out what was going on with me.  Why was I feeling this conversation so deeply? My answer was 100% accurate but there was more to it. I just couldn't get there on my own.  

About an hour after we both had recovered from the conversation, i.e. I had finally quit crying dammit, Chief walked by my desk and we fist bumped. 

All was well with us.  

But not all was well with me. 

I left a voice message for a friend who knew me back then, back when the collision between myself and betrayal happened. She was also on the church staff at the time. She heard I had quit voluntarily but she also saw me and heard what I was not saying. It was clear something wasn't right. It took a few years for her to find out the full story about that time and, she knows this, for a season I wasn't sure that I could trust her.  The betrayal threw me into a tailspin of distrust of everyone at the church, especially the church staff. I had no idea what women had started the rumor so I didn't know if she could be one of them. It turns out she wasn't, but it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I could even share the details of the collision with her. So I left her a message the day of the meltdown in Chief's office. And this was part of her response, "You were really screwed by a male boss and authority figure and while that happened a while ago you were deeply betrayed and deep betrayal like that can really jack with you....It makes perfect sense that you are struggling so much because there is no way that the deep betrayal and not just the betrayal but the other stuff too, there is no way that it did not leave its mark on you and that its mark did not leave some triggers...." 

Gee, thanks friend because now I'm sobbing - uncontrollably - again. 

Except this time I knew why I was crying. My experience, my hurt, my struggles to trust, my sensitivity to bad behavior, every abuse and bullying I endured at the hands of the Pastor and the woman interloper wasn't being discounted, dismissed, or excused away. It was being acknowledged, heard, and seen. Still, after 10 years, validation of what was done to me is important it seems. (Who knew? Because I sure didn't!)  

"....and now as I'm talking out loud of course this all goes back to the church and the Pastor. Dammit!" And that's when it hit me in a different way than it has before. 

The cost of betrayal is high. It is so high that the debt it creates can be paid down but I'm not sure it can ever be fully paid off. I found myself, post-collision, in a deficit. Every part of my life experienced fallout from the collision with betrayal, which means the fallout touched other people as well.  In short it sucked. It really sucked. 

I've had to fight really hard, emotionally and spiritually, to pay down some of the debt and not live out of the deficit it created. I've done the work of forgiveness and healing and it hasn't been easy. About a month after the betrayal I climbed out of my bed and went to go see a counselor. I am a counselor and I knew I needed some help if I was ever going to recover from this collision. I took the two pages of neatly typed shame to her and when she asked me why I wanted counseling I handed her the pages and said, "Here's why. I need to know what's true and what's not." She glanced down at the pages, read perhaps one sentence, looked up at me and calmly balled the pages into a crumpled bit of trash. "These are lies. Now tell me what happened and let's get to the truth." And so the debt began to get paid down. Yet the cost of my betrayal remains high at times and one of those times happened this past week in the office of The Chief. 

When betrayal and I met face to face I was made to feel as if my gift of discernment and my skills with counseling people were wrong and somehow inappropriate. And I believed it for about 2 days. For months prior I had been discerning several things but every time I brought up my concerns they, and I, were dismissed. So it's hard for me to not equate betrayal and being dismissed. I know they aren't the same but they have the same feeling to my heart and my psyche. As Chief and I had our hard - but okay - conversation I was feeling dismissed underneath all that was being said. I was taking a chance and sharing what my discernment was picking up on and was getting some pushback. And pushback and being dismissed aren't the same or equal either but try telling a scabbed over heart that. You can't. You have to let the heart figure it out and come to terms with it.  That's when you hope that some more of the debt has been paid down and the deficit betrayal causes rises a bit. 

Ten years later and I'm standing. I survived, I have even thrived.  I have done more work for God and his people since being told I couldn't. Thank goodness God didn't listen to Pastor and his buddies! *wink* This past week betrayal tried to unpack its baggage and settle back in to my life but fortunately I babbled and cried to a friend who was able to help me pay down some more of the debt betrayal has wracked up in my life.  So that's where the deficit ends between myself and The Chief. 

But what about the others? Was there any debt paid down with them? 

*These posts (click here and here) speak to other ways God has redeemed the collision with betrayal, he sent me to Africa less than a year after it happened! Yes, me - who wasn't fit for God or his people. *wink*

*And this post is about a man that God started using almost right away post-betrayal to begin redemption in regards to male leadership outside of my husband. 

Click here for the Epilogue