Yep, I'm a hoarder. Are you?

Ever watch an episode of Hoarders?  It is fascinating.  Usually after an episode I am ancy, looking around my house wondering what I can get rid of or what can I clean. Watching it certainly prompts introspection on my part.

I know, for me, part of what is fascinating about Hoarders is the psychology behind it. The attempts to bury and hide deep wounds, hurts, betrayals, and insecurities.  The attempt to cover up the dysfunction of self and other relationships.  The distortion of something that at first seemed good on the surface.

I've been thinking about hoarding recently in ways that aren't often talked about or viewed as hoarding. Such as this trend of Extreme Couponing.  Have you heard about it?  Women, mostly, go coupon crazy and basically stockpile food, household items, and hygiene products and get them for cheap because of their "savvy" use of coupons and store deals and rebates.  Here's a sample of what this stockpile ends up looking like in homes:

Um. Basically that is organized hoarding.

Here's a picture of unorganized hoarding:

For some reason when someone can organize their hoard and they have, in theory, saved a lot of money acquiring their hoard we call it a good thing or a frugal thing.  But when their hoard is in disarray and they live in squalor then we call it a bad thing.  But they are the SAME thing.  Both kinds of people are hoarding.  In fact, I may go so far as to say the "extreme couponing" people are the worst offenders in this. Why would I say that?  Because the coupon clippers don't see their hoarding as a problem, they mask it with frugality, saving money, etc.  Regular hoarders at least recognize on some level that there is a problem.  Both kinds of hoarding are a kind of greed, a type of insecurity, an obsession that interferes with relationships and emotional/mental health.  

But I'm not stopping there.  That was just the introduction to the kind of hoarding that I have really been thinking about!  But if anything in that introduction made you pause and think then I'm glad. Stockpiling through sales and extreme couponing isn't as frugal as you may be led to believe, it breeds a greed.

I was thinking about the issues I have spent the last decade working through. For a long time I hung on to my people pleasing ways, to my attempts at perfectionism, to my need to be needed. You might say I hoarded those unhealthy mindsets and behaviors.  Hoarding those things led to an accumulation of unforgiveness for people who had hurt me, an unwillingness to be vulnerable, I built walls around me so that nobody could see I wasn't perfect (don't even go there, yes I know that was obvious even with the walls!), I allowed my heart to be cluttered with lies like I wasn't worth it, I was useless, I had no value, I was too much and not enough all at once, I collected shame from mistakes I had made and let them pile up.  The hoard grew and grew and as more lies piled on top of each other things began to rot in my life.  I emitted a stench from my heart, and therefore life, all of my clutter and accumulation of unhealthy mindsets and behaviors kept people at more than arm's length and fostered relationships in which people saw opportunities to take advantage of me.  People, I was a hot mess.

Hoarders are hot messes.  Sometimes they know it, sometimes they don't.  But the people around them, if anyone is left, always knows how much of a hot mess the hoarder is.  Yet oftentimes they are unable to get through to their hoarder.  It takes outside help.  On the show Hoarders they bring in an organizer, a psychologist, and a team of worker bees.  When I could no longer contain my hoard to the depths of myself I needed outside help.  To try and clean up the hoard on my own was going to be a disaster.  Insisting on doing by myself would have been pride at its best.  Pride only adds more clutter to the hoard.  It takes humility to invite someone else into the hoard, pride keeps us from issuing the invitation.  

When the right people are invited into the hoard things become even more painful because as people come in and see the extent of the hoard and what kind of damage it has caused they want to get rid of things.  Easy for them, they aren't emotionally attached to the hoard!  And that's exactly why it becomes even more painful. The outside help has perspective the hoarder can't have.  It becomes a battle and can lead to tears, anger, and frustration.  The options are either give up and continue to live in the filth of the hoard or fight through the anger and frustration and clear out the hoard.

Hoarders want to go through everything to see what they feel comfortable getting rid of.  One of the reasons they are considered a hoarder is because they don't feel comfortable getting rid of anything! The thought of parting with the moldy, mildewed, damaged, broken, filthy object introduces a panic attack.  It makes no sense to anyone but them.  That's why outside help is critical.  Outside help can help the hoarder figure out the root of that panic and how to address it in healthier ways.

I can relate.

For example, when it came time for me to start clearing out the people pleasing in my life I had a lot of panic attacks.  "I can't say no to that person, what if they will hate me then? I can't have anyone hating me" or "I can't say no to that task, people will think I am lazy."  Or a bunch of other excuses for why I was allowing others to use me as their personal doormat.  Saying "no" was tough. Anticipating the disappointment and potential anger of the person I was "letting down" had me in a constant state of anxiety. It made no sense. I knew in my head that saying "no" was okay and healthy but my heart didn't agree.  I had to learn how to bridge the gap between my head and my heart and some days that 18 inches might as well have been 1000 miles. But the more I said "no" the more my heart began to connect to my head and the smaller that hoard pile named "people pleasing" became.

Once hoarded piles are removed and addressed there's all this space.  Wide open spaces that convey freedom, suddenly it feels like deep breaths can be taken, there's room for healthy things. And you wonder, why did I ever let it get *that* bad?  

A lot of hoarders start out by collecting something or purchasing something because "someday I'm going to work on that".  It's never an intentional act to create walls of stuff around them, spend money they don't have on things they don't need, hang on to trash, allow food to rot, etc. Nobody grows up and says, "I want to be a hoarder someday." All of it is to cover up their hearts, it's a way to distance themselves from whatever the hurt is. And we all do that. But some of us do that in ways that aren't as visible as the hoarder of a home.

I have unknowingly hoarded good things. By hoarding and abusing those things or people I twisted them from a good thing to a damaging thing in my life. I allowed my unhealthy mindsets to distort the good and turn it into bad.  We all do this, not one of us is exempt.  Maybe we haven't recognized it yet but we all do it with something or someone in our lives.

Are there any behaviors, mindsets, emotions, or situations that you have hoarded and you know that the stench of them is keeping people at arm's length?  That the filth of them might be interfering with your career?  Have you wondered why relationships are only skimming the surface of your life and not going deeper?  Hoard piles and walls don't allow for depth and ease of movement.

Dear Hoarder, I understand.  I really, really do.  Don't let pride fool you into thinking you can clear out the hoard on your own.  Invite someone into it. As embarrassing as it may feel, issue an invitation to someone and begin to clear out the hoard in your life so that you can live in freedom.

Are you a safe person? Am I?

I know two people who are both vegetarian/vegan.  One is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time. There are never any eye rolls about people around this one eating meat, there are no discourses about treatment of animals while meat is being eaten, there is no expectation from this one to be catered to for the choice.  This one is happy to bring one's own and provide it for others as a choice.  But like I said, this one is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time.  I never feel like a lesser person in this one's presence, this one doesn't act like one's better than anyone else for one's choice.  The other one is quiet about it verbally but loud about it in non-verbal ways.  I am always aware of the preference the other one has.  There are muttered comments under the breath, eye rolls, and a high expectation to be catered to.  The other one is not happy to bring other's own but rather unhappy about it and stingy with what other one may bring, reluctant to share with others.  I am never not aware of this other one's decision to be vegan, other one makes sure people know.  Again not through words but through behavior.  This other one makes others feel like they don't measure up to some standard and to be around this other one, especially when food is there also, is uncomfortable.  Who is the safe person out of the two?

What does a safe person "look" like?  Sound like?  Behave like?  It's really very simple when we don't over analyze it, over think it, and look at it logically.

A safe person has a "look" overall.  Sure, we all have moments where we are the unsafe person.  But a person who is considered unsafe overall is the opposite.  They have moments, very few, where they aren't unsafe.  There's a look that I believe accompanies both types.  Safe people have an open look to them. They make it feel comfortable to be approached.  Their facial expressions are ones of warmth, hospitality, openness, acceptance.  Unsafe people are closed off.  They have an invisible wall built around them that makes approaching them feel almost scary and definitely uncomfortable.  The facial expressions of an unsafe person consist of scowls, neutral or negative mouth, eyes closed off and sending a message that people aren't welcome.  A lot of times, in fact most of the time, we are not able to be honest or objective about ourselves. Which look do you think you convey the majority of the time?  Ask someone in your life who you can trust to be honest with you to tell you what they see.  If the two answers differ chances are good that the person you asked has the more accurate view of you.

Listen closely to a safe person talk.  Now listen to an unsafe person talk.  What are the differences in their speech, tone, even in the way they relate a story?  Unsafe people use negative language, passive aggressive phrases and language, their tone is unpleasant at best, and they generally speak in harsh ways even when the topic is a "safe" or pleasant one.  I know one person who speaks in harsh ways no matter what she is saying. She isn't a safe person (and for more reasons than her speech).  Safe people lean more towards positive language, use accepting and inviting phrases and language, they have an upbeat and pleasant tone, their harsh speech is rare.  How do you sound to other people?  Remember, you and I aren't objective about ourselves. We hear ourselves in our heads and in our heads we sound so wonderful, kind, and open.  Ask someone else how you sound the majority of the time.  We all have bad days and moments, we all will sound like an unsafe person from time to time, but if we sound like an unsafe person more often than not then the reality is we aren't safe to others.

To study a safe and unsafe person that are occupying the same room is fascinating.  I've had the opportunity to do so.  As open as the safe person is, the unsafe person is just as closed.  Here is what I observed.  The safe person is open with affection in the many ways one can show affection, they are upbeat and friendly, their body language says "welcome", they make eye contact with others, they acknowledge when someone is talking to them by replying or listening, they are interested in what others think, people feel comfortable around them.  Now we look at the unsafe person.  If there was a sign hanging off of them it would say "Closed."  Almost everything about them is closed off.  They are withdrawn, their body language is defensive and even passive aggressive with eye rolls and big sighs in response to something they don't agree with.  Eye contact is limited, they act as if people aren't talking to them and they ignore or snub others.  When they are in the room the atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable.  It affects everyone in very negative ways.  If they choose to reply to someone the answer is generally curt.  If someone recorded you in a room of people which person would you be?  The unsafe or safe one?  What is the reality of you?  We can't see ourselves in a true light, we have to invite others to tell us where we may be falling short.  Of course we think we are behaving well but the reality may be something very different.  So find out from someone else how you behave in a room.

Being safe or unsafe has nothing to do with personality characteristics such as being an introvert or extrovert, being quiet or loud.  My husband is very quiet but people always feel very comfortable approaching him.  He is a safe person, it has nothing to do with him being quiet.  But I know quiet people who are unsafe.  We tend to judge people based on their volume level.  The perception is loud people are obnoxious, unsafe, extroverts, etc and quiet people are docile, safe, introverts, etc.  I have observed loud people and quiet people and those snap judgments are way off base the majority of the time. I know loud people who are actually introverts and some of the safest people in my life.  And I know quiet people who are unsafe extroverts.  Be mindful of making assumptions about people based on their volume levels.

Where does being unsafe or safe come from?  Being unsafe can come from baggage from our past relationships, from our own sense of entitlement and expectations, from insecurities that were sown into us. Being safe can come from those same places but they are healed places.  Once we unpack our baggage and refuse to quit traveling around with it we begin to behave in safe ways.  When we realize we are not entitled to anything and the only expectation that is realistic is to have no expectations we will begin to behave in safe ways.  As we dig up the seeds of insecurity and replace them with seeds of truth we will begin to behave in safe ways.  Behaving in safe ways includes the "look" and sound of a safe person.

A safe person recognizes the unsafe place they have been rescued and healed from and live out of that transformation.  An unsafe person is trapped in a pit of their own making and allow the wounds from life to dictate their behavior.  Safe people know they need help unpacking baggage, digging up insecurities, letting go of entitlements and expectations and so they invite people to speak into their lives and help them.  Safe people don't allow their pride to keep them in bondage to toxic behaviors. Unsafe people gather their pride around them and claim they can heal themselves, they refuse the help of anyone else.  Instead of inviting people to speak into their lives they build a wall around themselves that is impenetrable.  If someone dares to scale the wall the unsafe person will shift the focus off of themselves and try to shift blame, attention, or focus on to a different person.

Nobody wants to look at themselves and say, "I am an unsafe person." But when we can be honest with ourselves and take that first step then we have already taken a step toward becoming a safe person.   Can a person be safe in some areas of their life and unsafe in others? Yes.  We are all in progress and because of our flesh the majority of us are unsafe until we allow the rescue to take place.  Once the rescue happens and the healing occurs we can move toward being a safe person in that area where rescue happened.  I have personally found that once I am moving forward in being a safe person in an area I needed rescue, a new place within me that I am unsafe is revealed and I have to allow the rescue to happen there as well.  I have also discovered that once a few rescues happen and I see the results I am much more willing to allow the unsafe places of myself to come to light so that I can be toxin free in this life.  I don't want to be a toxic person.  I'm pretty sure you don't either.

Are you a safe person?  Am I?



*For further self-reflection/examination on this topic I recommend this article.