The Last Word

It's been a year, so far, of lessons in "the last word." I believe we all have the desire to have the last word in a matter that offends who we think we are or a belief we hold. Some of us give in to the desire and others of us step back from it. Have you stepped back from having the last word? It's hard isn't it? Somehow the lie has been planted that if we don't have the last word then we have lost the debate and the other person has won. Was this lie planted because of the insecurity of the flesh? Or because of the competitive nature of humans? Well regardless, the need to have the last word creates ugly behavior, hurtful words, and resentful hearts.

In the spring I got into a rather heated argument with someone. It takes a lot for me to yell at someone and I yelled. I did, however, stop short of saying things I would regret for days, weeks, and months to come.  But I did yell at someone. That wasn't okay and I did apologize for it later without using the "however" that I really wanted to.  After we resolved the disagreement as much as we could I got an email from this person.  I call this email "the last word." They couldn't handle not getting in the last word. So I let them. I read the email and the attachment of last words in bolded red and took a deep breath and then dragged it into a folder and went about my day. I gave the person the satisfaction of having the last word because it clearly was very important to them and their ego (other people were copied on the email as well so that it could be noted that this person was important and putting me in my place).  There are two main reasons I let the last word be theirs and not mine. One reason because I didn't want to give this person any more power or sway over my emotions and state of mind. They had already pushed me to yell, that was enough.  Secondly I felt like my silence might speak louder, eventually, than anything else I could say (and believe me, there was plenty more I could have said). I wasn't insecure, uncertain, or regretful of anything I had said and the views I was offering. I was confident that I had valid points that were worth considering.  Thema Davis said, "Have the maturity to know that sometimes silence is more powerful than having the last word." Having the last word usually ends up making us look weak, insecure, immature, and slightly ridiculous. Believe me, the bolded red statements said a lot about this person and their ego/pride. I'm pretty sure my silence said something about mine as well.

Then another opportunity to practice this lesson popped up rather unexpectedly. A disagreement from a few years ago resurrected, but only very briefly. I was asked a question. I gave a careful reply. The response was a warm-up to the last word. I replied only to the things I believed necessitated a response and ignored other parts all together. The response back was "the last word." It was saturated in toxic emotional waste. It smelled of pride. Self-righteousness was the soundtrack. I did respond back with a brief statement that clearly we disagreed and that was okay and I would no longer be in communication about the topic. So did I have the last word or did the other person? They had the last word because their communication was typical of the motives and intents behind last word conversations. Out of respect I choose not to address, again, any of the issues or answer any questions or concede and politely end the interaction. Again, I was confident in my observations and opinions - I felt no need to attempt to justify them or to defend them.  That confidence meant I was empowered to step back from the last word temptation and I didn't get caught up in an emotional tangle. Word choices and examples from the other person indicated that they were tripped up in an emotional tangle that included insecurity.

I've been tripped up in the last word before and I never feel good about it afterward. Having the last word never gives me any satisfaction, the sense of victory, or empowerment. In fact having the last word usually means that I spend the next few days stewing and thinking of more last words to say and different rebuttals for imaginary arguments. So really, having the last word drives me a little bit insane. But when I step back from having the last word then I step into freedom. I don't dwell on the conflict, I don't give much thought at all to the situation. In short, I move on.


Are you one who needs to have the last word? Have you ever considered why that is? 
Are one who steps back from the temptation to get in the last word? What are your reasons why you don't and won't engage?

Are you a safe person? Am I?

I know two people who are both vegetarian/vegan.  One is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time. There are never any eye rolls about people around this one eating meat, there are no discourses about treatment of animals while meat is being eaten, there is no expectation from this one to be catered to for the choice.  This one is happy to bring one's own and provide it for others as a choice.  But like I said, this one is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time.  I never feel like a lesser person in this one's presence, this one doesn't act like one's better than anyone else for one's choice.  The other one is quiet about it verbally but loud about it in non-verbal ways.  I am always aware of the preference the other one has.  There are muttered comments under the breath, eye rolls, and a high expectation to be catered to.  The other one is not happy to bring other's own but rather unhappy about it and stingy with what other one may bring, reluctant to share with others.  I am never not aware of this other one's decision to be vegan, other one makes sure people know.  Again not through words but through behavior.  This other one makes others feel like they don't measure up to some standard and to be around this other one, especially when food is there also, is uncomfortable.  Who is the safe person out of the two?

What does a safe person "look" like?  Sound like?  Behave like?  It's really very simple when we don't over analyze it, over think it, and look at it logically.

A safe person has a "look" overall.  Sure, we all have moments where we are the unsafe person.  But a person who is considered unsafe overall is the opposite.  They have moments, very few, where they aren't unsafe.  There's a look that I believe accompanies both types.  Safe people have an open look to them. They make it feel comfortable to be approached.  Their facial expressions are ones of warmth, hospitality, openness, acceptance.  Unsafe people are closed off.  They have an invisible wall built around them that makes approaching them feel almost scary and definitely uncomfortable.  The facial expressions of an unsafe person consist of scowls, neutral or negative mouth, eyes closed off and sending a message that people aren't welcome.  A lot of times, in fact most of the time, we are not able to be honest or objective about ourselves. Which look do you think you convey the majority of the time?  Ask someone in your life who you can trust to be honest with you to tell you what they see.  If the two answers differ chances are good that the person you asked has the more accurate view of you.

Listen closely to a safe person talk.  Now listen to an unsafe person talk.  What are the differences in their speech, tone, even in the way they relate a story?  Unsafe people use negative language, passive aggressive phrases and language, their tone is unpleasant at best, and they generally speak in harsh ways even when the topic is a "safe" or pleasant one.  I know one person who speaks in harsh ways no matter what she is saying. She isn't a safe person (and for more reasons than her speech).  Safe people lean more towards positive language, use accepting and inviting phrases and language, they have an upbeat and pleasant tone, their harsh speech is rare.  How do you sound to other people?  Remember, you and I aren't objective about ourselves. We hear ourselves in our heads and in our heads we sound so wonderful, kind, and open.  Ask someone else how you sound the majority of the time.  We all have bad days and moments, we all will sound like an unsafe person from time to time, but if we sound like an unsafe person more often than not then the reality is we aren't safe to others.

To study a safe and unsafe person that are occupying the same room is fascinating.  I've had the opportunity to do so.  As open as the safe person is, the unsafe person is just as closed.  Here is what I observed.  The safe person is open with affection in the many ways one can show affection, they are upbeat and friendly, their body language says "welcome", they make eye contact with others, they acknowledge when someone is talking to them by replying or listening, they are interested in what others think, people feel comfortable around them.  Now we look at the unsafe person.  If there was a sign hanging off of them it would say "Closed."  Almost everything about them is closed off.  They are withdrawn, their body language is defensive and even passive aggressive with eye rolls and big sighs in response to something they don't agree with.  Eye contact is limited, they act as if people aren't talking to them and they ignore or snub others.  When they are in the room the atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable.  It affects everyone in very negative ways.  If they choose to reply to someone the answer is generally curt.  If someone recorded you in a room of people which person would you be?  The unsafe or safe one?  What is the reality of you?  We can't see ourselves in a true light, we have to invite others to tell us where we may be falling short.  Of course we think we are behaving well but the reality may be something very different.  So find out from someone else how you behave in a room.

Being safe or unsafe has nothing to do with personality characteristics such as being an introvert or extrovert, being quiet or loud.  My husband is very quiet but people always feel very comfortable approaching him.  He is a safe person, it has nothing to do with him being quiet.  But I know quiet people who are unsafe.  We tend to judge people based on their volume level.  The perception is loud people are obnoxious, unsafe, extroverts, etc and quiet people are docile, safe, introverts, etc.  I have observed loud people and quiet people and those snap judgments are way off base the majority of the time. I know loud people who are actually introverts and some of the safest people in my life.  And I know quiet people who are unsafe extroverts.  Be mindful of making assumptions about people based on their volume levels.

Where does being unsafe or safe come from?  Being unsafe can come from baggage from our past relationships, from our own sense of entitlement and expectations, from insecurities that were sown into us. Being safe can come from those same places but they are healed places.  Once we unpack our baggage and refuse to quit traveling around with it we begin to behave in safe ways.  When we realize we are not entitled to anything and the only expectation that is realistic is to have no expectations we will begin to behave in safe ways.  As we dig up the seeds of insecurity and replace them with seeds of truth we will begin to behave in safe ways.  Behaving in safe ways includes the "look" and sound of a safe person.

A safe person recognizes the unsafe place they have been rescued and healed from and live out of that transformation.  An unsafe person is trapped in a pit of their own making and allow the wounds from life to dictate their behavior.  Safe people know they need help unpacking baggage, digging up insecurities, letting go of entitlements and expectations and so they invite people to speak into their lives and help them.  Safe people don't allow their pride to keep them in bondage to toxic behaviors. Unsafe people gather their pride around them and claim they can heal themselves, they refuse the help of anyone else.  Instead of inviting people to speak into their lives they build a wall around themselves that is impenetrable.  If someone dares to scale the wall the unsafe person will shift the focus off of themselves and try to shift blame, attention, or focus on to a different person.

Nobody wants to look at themselves and say, "I am an unsafe person." But when we can be honest with ourselves and take that first step then we have already taken a step toward becoming a safe person.   Can a person be safe in some areas of their life and unsafe in others? Yes.  We are all in progress and because of our flesh the majority of us are unsafe until we allow the rescue to take place.  Once the rescue happens and the healing occurs we can move toward being a safe person in that area where rescue happened.  I have personally found that once I am moving forward in being a safe person in an area I needed rescue, a new place within me that I am unsafe is revealed and I have to allow the rescue to happen there as well.  I have also discovered that once a few rescues happen and I see the results I am much more willing to allow the unsafe places of myself to come to light so that I can be toxin free in this life.  I don't want to be a toxic person.  I'm pretty sure you don't either.

Are you a safe person?  Am I?



*For further self-reflection/examination on this topic I recommend this article.