"Be Kind; Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle."
(John Watson)*
We are all guilty of this flaw. We all have at least one person in our life whom we'd like to see move to Yemen and we would never have to deal with or see again. My guess you have more than one person. I know I do. "What's the flaw Beth? We aren't all going to get along." Well the flaw is this, we don't actually know the person. We don't. Oh we say we do, we think we do based on things they say or ways they behave, but we don't actually know them.
Stick with me. I've got an example from the past, mine specifically, that has come back around today as a result of a hard situation I had to witness.
The year was 2007. (Ha, you totally thought it was going to be a really long time ago.) I was prepping to head to Kenya. I was dreading it but resolved to obedience. (Wondering about all that? Click here.) What I didn't know was that my entire team was sort of dreading it as well...BECAUSE OF ME. I don't remember speaking much at team meetings but apparently when I did it was all fear-filled and anxiety laden. All they knew about me was what they heard me say and from the few things I said they all formed opinions about me and decided they "knew" me. (Now you know where I'm headed with this lesson don't you?!) Ever have that happen to you? Now be honest, how many times a week, a month, do you do that to someone else? Whose name immediately popped into your mind when you read my last sentence? We all have at least one person we have done this too.
Before the trip I had a lunch meeting with a team member. She's a strong personality and frankly scared me to death. My plan was just to be as quiet as possible and just do whatever I could so we would get along. (Don't even start with me, I'm sure that will be a blog in itself one day, sooner rather than later.) I praise God for my friend's honesty. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Beth, I don't think we are going to get along. I'm concerned that I'm going to run (bulldoze - ha!) right over you." My jaw dropped. She went on to explain why, telling me about the things I had said at team meetings causing her to half-dread taking this trip with me. I was shocked. I had no idea that my dread, etc was saturating every word that came out of my mouth and causing other team members to form an opinion about me and who I was.
To my friend's credit she did two things that day that we all can and should learn from and put into practice immediately. 1) She was honest with me about how she felt about me, the little she knew to that point. 2) She asked me to share my story with her so she could gain better understanding.
Fast-forward to present day.
A few days ago I had someone, who has their own story, inappropriately discuss a person they didn't like with me. (Btw, don't think I let the gossip just flow - I nipped it in the bud as quick as I possibly could.) Now what's interesting about this person's vent to me was two things. 1) Before they started venting they asked, in a roundabout way, if I liked the person. I do. I, in fact, love this person with philia love. 2) After discovering that I do, indeed, like the person they still said horrible and mean things about the person to me! Gutsy. And awkward. Suddenly I was placed in the position of having to defend my friend's character to this person who was bent on slandering it. The fact of the matter is neither one of them like each other but one is incredibly vocal about their dislike while the other still treats this person with courtesy. When I stated a truth about my friend the person venting corrected me based on their own perceptions and story that have nothing to do with the person they don't like and everything to do with themselves!
Do you see what we DO?
Because I've done it. You have done it. We have all done this. Oh maybe we are better than going around and publicly slandering the person as the person in my story above has done but we've done it. And in private or in public it is still wrong.
WRONG.
Wrong because we know what it is like to be vilified for perceptions about us that aren't true. Wrong because if we say we are children of God then we are behaving poorly for royalty. Wrong because we have conveniently forgotten that the very same grace that God has extended to us - oh so wretched that we each are - he also extends to the person we are slandering and he expects us to extend grace as well. Wrong because we have dismissed the fact that the One who created us and calls us his also created that person and calls that person his.
Every person has a story. Sometimes we are able to conquer the story and create an ending for our benefit. Sometimes we don't know how to create a better ending so we are stuck. Sometimes we have "writer's block" when it comes to our endings. But we all have a story. I like the fuller version of the quote of Watson's from the snippet I started this post with, "This man beside us also has a hard fight with an unfavouring world, with strong temptations, with doubts and fears, with wounds of the past which have skinned over, but which smart when they are touched. It is a fact, however surprising. And when this occurs to us we are moved to deal kindly with him, to bid him be of good cheer, to let him understand that we are also fighting a battle; we are bound not to irritate him, nor press hardly upon him nor help his lower self." (John Watson, 1903) Our stories may surprise others as much as I think they sometimes surprise us!
So I have an idea. What if we decided to have lunch with the person we think we don't like? Can you imagine? What if we even paid for the lunch or brought them lunch? What if we asked them questions and tried to get to know them, and their story, to gain understanding of why they behave and/or speak the way they do? What if?
The story we hear doesn't serve as a justification for bad behavior from that person but it might help us have a little more understanding with them, extend Grace so that God can have a way to work in their life, and give them a chance to be exposed to healthier choices for their emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being.
We don't have to be best friends with this person who rubs us the wrong way but God does ask us to extend courtesy and sometimes that's easier when we know a little of their story.
Who has come to the forefront of your mind? Consider asking them to lunch! Go ahead, take the chance and let God have his way.
Oh, the friend who was afraid she would bulldoze me? Yep. This is her and I, besties.
God used that lunch and our honesty with each other to knit our hearts together in a way that amazes us.
It doesn't always happen this way but when it does it is oh so sweet.
*Thought it was Plato who said it huh? Click here for research on the author of this quote!
