Sanctuary

About 2 miles off the road and hidden against the mountain is a sanctuary.  I first drove onto the grounds of this sanctuary when I was 16, newly licensed and needing to find a job. The circles I ran in brought word of an opening in the King James Dining Room at Glen Eyrie, a local castle serving as a retreat and conference center and owned by The Navigator's.  I suppose I filled out an application, perhaps had an interview, I'm sure appropriate tax forms were filled out.  I remember none of that.  I only remember the early mornings and late nights driving the winding roads to the castle, exiting the hustle and bustle of Colorado Springs and entering the stillness, silence, and calm of Glen Eyrie.  I adored it.  Even though I was coming to work I felt like I was entering into a peaceful place.  The reality is, I was.  Glen Eyrie is magic. The further off of 31st Street you get and the closer the castle appears the more its magic weaves itself into the air you breathe.

I worked in the King James Dining Room for approximately 2 1/2 years.  In that time I served countless groups of people breakfast, lunch, dinner. I got to participate in serving at the Madrigal Dinner the Castle hosts each year at Christmas time. It was the perfect first job. My favorite times to be on the winding dark roads of Glen Eyrie were in the early mornings.  I would turn off my radio as I went through the front gate and I would let the silence and magic of The Glen seep into my car and my being.  I didn't really recognize it then as I do now, but it was as if my soul was taking a deep breath.

Throughout the years since I have been fortunate enough to visit The Glen on and off, mostly for day retreats and once for a place of retreat as depression weighed on my heart.  Years ago as God was leading me through some necessary closure in my life, I stole on to the grounds and sat beneath a large tree in the expanse of grass and found the closure I needed to move forward. Sometimes you don't realize how important a place is until you almost lose it.

In the summer of 2012 the Waldo Canyon fire ate its way through some of our closer mountains, took a local landmark, The Flying W Ranch, and destroyed a large portion of a neighborhood that sat against the mountain the fire jumped to.  Anxiously watching the fire inch closer and closer to Glen Eyrie, they finally had to evacuate and pray.  There was nothing more to be done.  Fire teams were doing all they could to beat the fire into submission but it had a mind of its own and where it went they just had to follow and try to contain.  When all was said and done, Glen Eyrie was safe.  Just barely. If you look up at the ridge right above the castle you see scorched trees and a clear line where the fire ceased burning down the mountain.  Glen Eyrie had been spared.  As a community we breathed a sigh of relief.  We had already lost the Flying W and to the lose The Glen in addition to that plus all the homes felt like too much.  It already was too much for our shocked and soot covered hearts.

A month ago my hub whisked me away for a surprise weekend.  I was told to pack comfy and casual, that's all I knew.  I was so intrigued, where could we be going?  And then he turned off of 31st Street and began to wind his way toward the front gate of The Glen. Oh my. My heart stilled, I grabbed his hand. "Really? We are staying here this weekend?"  Really, we were. What a true gift.  I'm not sure he knew how important this place was to my heart.  It was a sanctuary for me.  We stepped out of the car at the Carriage House to check in. And the magic of The Glen was already working on me.  The silence and calm of it was the first thing to hit my senses as we exited the car.  I felt my soul take a deep breath.

It was a glorious weekend. The weather was the last perfect weather we were going to have for quite some time, my hub and I needed this time alone after some rough years of marriage and parenting and so the company was fantastic, the cabin room he reserved for us was in one of the more special cabins on the property and was an amazing retreat space for us.  The front porch of the cabin has these huge wooden swings and we spent time, silently holding hands and rocking, on that porch. After breakfast the first morning we were debating where to walk and how to spend our day. Walking out the front door of the castle my eye caught a stand of sorts.  Curious I walked to it and saw that The Glen had created a prayer walk through its grounds and this was one of the stops.  The weather

was incredible, I was reluctant to be indoors.  We had eaten a great breakfast but needed to walk it off and we had no plans at all for the day.  So the hub and I walked the grounds of The Glen according to the prayer walk and spent time communing with one another and with God.  We took our time, enjoying the weather, the grounds, the peace of The Glen, the prayer with each other and with the Lord.  I saw the magic of The Glen begin to work on my hub and it led to good and important conversation.  We began to feel a sense of ease that we hadn't felt in quite some time.  After many hours of the amazing weather and prayer time around the property we took a nap and knew we would need to leave that evening for a brief time to get some dinner.  I was reluctant to leave, even for just an hour or two.  My soul was enjoying the peace and the quiet and I was feeling hesitant about reentering into the hustle of life.  I had reconnected that day with my sanctuary and wanted to take full advantage of our time there.

Throughout the day I kept looking up at the ridge where the fire threatened to roll down the mountain and consume such a special place.  I couldn't help but feel emotional, realizing how close I and so many others came to losing such a magical place.  I also kept thinking of the middle ages custom of claiming "sanctuary" from legal action and from enemies.  The church back then would honor the person and assist them in making restitution or in escaping from a danger on their life. I thought about how these days the church is no longer the sanctuary it should be. People come for help, healing, and hope and instead are shunned, judged, and left open to more injury.  No longer can we really enter a structure that calls itself a church or house of God and claim sanctuary.  God alone, in his presence, is the only place that we can claim sanctuary and know that we will receive it.  The Glen was my sanctuary.  The Glen is my sanctuary.  It is where I feel the deepest connection to God, most likely because of the magic of it.  Peace, calm, silence, and serenity blanket me from the moment I turn off of 31st Street.

When we finally left Glen Eyrie that weekend to head for home I was refreshed in my spirit, hopeful that my hub was as well, but not ready for the noise of life which I knew would assault our senses as we turned on to 31st Street.  I prepared by reminding myself that the place I claim sanctuary is always a short car drive away and I can always be in the presence of God and his peace because he lives in me.  Later that night we were at home, our redheads were chattering, the television was on, and my hub turned to me and said, "Can we go back?"

Showing Up For My Life

Today my eyes cracked open and I saw the time and I groaned.  I literally had to pep talk myself out of bed this morning and I heard myself say, "Beth, show up for your life today." SIGH.  And another part of me replied back, "I'm not sure I can." SIGH. After a few minutes of back and forth I dragged myself out of bed and tried to engage with the new day.

It's a hard time of year for me. Getting dark around 5 pm certainly doesn't help.  I feel like I need to go into hibernation mode along with the bears. Frankly I feel a little jealous of them.  I mean, I've stored up the fat already.  A few weeks ago I read this fascinating article about a guy in Maine who had lived as a hermit for almost 30 years.  I confess, I was a little envious of his ability to pull it off. Although I would have picked someplace warmer to seclude myself from society. A couple of the Maine winters almost killed him.

It seems to me that one day the hermit woke up in his real life and heard, "Show up for your life today," and he couldn't.  Maybe he didn't even try to pep talk himself into showing up. So he went into hibernation mode instead.  While I feel envious, I also know I can't do that.  That isn't healthy.  I need to continue to engage with humans and responsibilities.  I need to be brave enough to continue to face hard things and wrestle through them. I need to work through mistakes and flaws. I need to set myself aside and be there for others. But lately I've had to do a lot of pep talking to get myself out of the house.

Depression is a tricky thing. I think I might be handling it okay and then BAM! It's got me in a half nelson and I'm headed toward a face plant on the mat called life. Last year I didn't think I would need meds again, I thought I had enough tools to help me combat the depression going that far in me.  I was wrong. So I went back to my doctor, found a counselor, and started again.

Depression keeps me in a place of humility and gratefulness.  Yes, gratefulness. That hasn't changed with this go round of black clouds. One of the things that I am grateful for is the humility it is developing in me.  It keeps me from judging others harshly, and it keeps me sensitive toward those who are struggling.

For the past couple of months the idea of showing up for my life has exhausted me. Just thinking about the energy it will take to get into a shower, get dressed, get into the car and drive makes me want to go back to bed.  But I'm fighting. I'm fighting to stay present in my life.  It's the reason why I force myself to go to certain social events, why I extend past myself to others, why I continue to read books and write and leave voice messages for people on What's App. Having the voices of people who love me despite me in my world, even though they are miles away, motivates me to stay engaged in my life.  I'm fighting to stay present in my life by continuing to look for more ways to assist at work, if I weren't fighting to stay present I would be doing the bare minimum to get by.  But I know I need to engage so I'm learning new things, volunteering for things, and remaining pro-active.  And I'm exhausted.  Showing up for my life is exhausting but I'm doing it as best I can in this season.

And where I just don't have the energy to show up and participate my husband has stepped in and taken it on.  He's been doing the grocery shopping among other things. He's generous in giving me space to show up and participate in a time frame that won't freak me out.

Showing up for life takes courage.  Some days it feels impossible, other days it's rather easy. But I believe it takes courage every day no matter what to show up and participate in this life we've each been given.  And it is a choice.  We have a choice about first of all, showing up and then secondly, participating.  I've showed up a social events or meetings but not participated, so while my physical body is present I am mentally and emotionally absent.  Maybe that's okay every now and then but it shouldn't be the norm.

Have you been showing up for your life?  More importantly, have you been participating once you make an appearance?  What might be keeping you from engaging in life? Are there things you can change or do differently to prompt action?  Or maybe it's not you having a tough time appearing in your life, maybe it's someone you know.  How could you help them? Encourage them? 

Okay, you "win" this one.

It's not a competition. Or rather it shouldn't be. Who wants to win at having the hardest life?

Kara, over at Mundane Faithfulness, has often said, "I'm not trying to win the hardest story.  We all have hard."  She's right, we all do have hard in our lives.  We all walk through hard things and what is hard for us may not be hard for another.  Grace enters in when we can empathize with someone's hard that we may not understand.  Kara also doesn't allow others hard to be diminished in light of her hard.  Oh, I should mention that Kara is dying.  In June 2012 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and even though they have done aggressive treatments the cancer has traveled her body and is invading even her skeletal structure. Kara knows hard.  She has a husband and four children she is preparing to live life without her physical presence. She has had to go through the grieving process, grieving over the loss of the life she dreamed of and desired and accepting the one she lives.  The other day Kara asked a good question in response to the statement, "I would like my life back!"  She asked, "What if this is your life? Would God still be good? I know- I'm such a jerk for saying this. I have to ask this question of myself regularly."  I can't think of anyone else who deserves to be wrestling with that question more than Kara right now.  She is honest in her wrestling but her final answer always ends up being yes, God is still good even though she will not get to watch her children grow up and she won't get to grow old with the husband she adores.

Yes, Kara knows hard.  But we all know hard don't we?

Here's what the reality of our hards could be and perhaps should be. Philippians 2:4 says to look out not only for our own interests but to look out for the interests of others as well.  In my hard I am going to be aware and concerned for your hard and focus on meeting the needs of your hard, trusting and knowing that someone else will be doing the same for me in my hard.  See how that works?  We get taken care of. When we allow the interests of others to be our interest as well then our personal interests get the attention of someone else's care.  Sometimes our hard limits us in how we can meet the needs of someone else's hard. That's when it is time to get creative. We all have a capacity to meet the hard of others, it just might take some extra creativity.

Recently I was thinking about another benefit of being aware of other's hards.  It gives our hard some perspective. Hear me, it doesn't diminish it just puts it into perspective.  And in my experience we all need our hard to have perspective. And sometimes what happens with perspective is I look at my hard and their hard and I say, "Okay you "win" this one.  Your hard is way harder than mine. What else or what more can I do for you in this hard? My hard can wait, it's not as urgent."  I look at Philippians 2:4 and see this concession as another way of looking out for the interests of others.  And sometimes, okay maybe most of the time, as we concede our hard and dedicate ourselves to the hard of another then ours loses its urgency, its power, the grasp that has us in a tight fist loosens.  When we eventually return to our hard, because we always need to return to it and deal with it, we have different eyes and a different mindset toward it.  Perhaps we even have a renewed strength to tackle it.

What if the hard you are experiencing right now is the new normal for your life?  What does that mean for you?  For your family?  For your friendships?  For your career?  Are you so immersed in your hard that you can't see the hard of the person near you?  Is this a season for you to focus in on the hard of someone else or your own?  Who is "winning" for the harder hard in your circles?  Can you trust that as you minister to the hard of someone else that your own hard will be ministered to as well?

Hear me once again, I am not diminishing the hard of anyone but I'm challenging all of us to gain perspective of our hards so we can both minister and be ministered to.  What would be different about our hards if we could find peace, hard peace, in them?

Yep, I'm a hoarder. Are you?

Ever watch an episode of Hoarders?  It is fascinating.  Usually after an episode I am ancy, looking around my house wondering what I can get rid of or what can I clean. Watching it certainly prompts introspection on my part.

I know, for me, part of what is fascinating about Hoarders is the psychology behind it. The attempts to bury and hide deep wounds, hurts, betrayals, and insecurities.  The attempt to cover up the dysfunction of self and other relationships.  The distortion of something that at first seemed good on the surface.

I've been thinking about hoarding recently in ways that aren't often talked about or viewed as hoarding. Such as this trend of Extreme Couponing.  Have you heard about it?  Women, mostly, go coupon crazy and basically stockpile food, household items, and hygiene products and get them for cheap because of their "savvy" use of coupons and store deals and rebates.  Here's a sample of what this stockpile ends up looking like in homes:

Um. Basically that is organized hoarding.

Here's a picture of unorganized hoarding:

For some reason when someone can organize their hoard and they have, in theory, saved a lot of money acquiring their hoard we call it a good thing or a frugal thing.  But when their hoard is in disarray and they live in squalor then we call it a bad thing.  But they are the SAME thing.  Both kinds of people are hoarding.  In fact, I may go so far as to say the "extreme couponing" people are the worst offenders in this. Why would I say that?  Because the coupon clippers don't see their hoarding as a problem, they mask it with frugality, saving money, etc.  Regular hoarders at least recognize on some level that there is a problem.  Both kinds of hoarding are a kind of greed, a type of insecurity, an obsession that interferes with relationships and emotional/mental health.  

But I'm not stopping there.  That was just the introduction to the kind of hoarding that I have really been thinking about!  But if anything in that introduction made you pause and think then I'm glad. Stockpiling through sales and extreme couponing isn't as frugal as you may be led to believe, it breeds a greed.

I was thinking about the issues I have spent the last decade working through. For a long time I hung on to my people pleasing ways, to my attempts at perfectionism, to my need to be needed. You might say I hoarded those unhealthy mindsets and behaviors.  Hoarding those things led to an accumulation of unforgiveness for people who had hurt me, an unwillingness to be vulnerable, I built walls around me so that nobody could see I wasn't perfect (don't even go there, yes I know that was obvious even with the walls!), I allowed my heart to be cluttered with lies like I wasn't worth it, I was useless, I had no value, I was too much and not enough all at once, I collected shame from mistakes I had made and let them pile up.  The hoard grew and grew and as more lies piled on top of each other things began to rot in my life.  I emitted a stench from my heart, and therefore life, all of my clutter and accumulation of unhealthy mindsets and behaviors kept people at more than arm's length and fostered relationships in which people saw opportunities to take advantage of me.  People, I was a hot mess.

Hoarders are hot messes.  Sometimes they know it, sometimes they don't.  But the people around them, if anyone is left, always knows how much of a hot mess the hoarder is.  Yet oftentimes they are unable to get through to their hoarder.  It takes outside help.  On the show Hoarders they bring in an organizer, a psychologist, and a team of worker bees.  When I could no longer contain my hoard to the depths of myself I needed outside help.  To try and clean up the hoard on my own was going to be a disaster.  Insisting on doing by myself would have been pride at its best.  Pride only adds more clutter to the hoard.  It takes humility to invite someone else into the hoard, pride keeps us from issuing the invitation.  

When the right people are invited into the hoard things become even more painful because as people come in and see the extent of the hoard and what kind of damage it has caused they want to get rid of things.  Easy for them, they aren't emotionally attached to the hoard!  And that's exactly why it becomes even more painful. The outside help has perspective the hoarder can't have.  It becomes a battle and can lead to tears, anger, and frustration.  The options are either give up and continue to live in the filth of the hoard or fight through the anger and frustration and clear out the hoard.

Hoarders want to go through everything to see what they feel comfortable getting rid of.  One of the reasons they are considered a hoarder is because they don't feel comfortable getting rid of anything! The thought of parting with the moldy, mildewed, damaged, broken, filthy object introduces a panic attack.  It makes no sense to anyone but them.  That's why outside help is critical.  Outside help can help the hoarder figure out the root of that panic and how to address it in healthier ways.

I can relate.

For example, when it came time for me to start clearing out the people pleasing in my life I had a lot of panic attacks.  "I can't say no to that person, what if they will hate me then? I can't have anyone hating me" or "I can't say no to that task, people will think I am lazy."  Or a bunch of other excuses for why I was allowing others to use me as their personal doormat.  Saying "no" was tough. Anticipating the disappointment and potential anger of the person I was "letting down" had me in a constant state of anxiety. It made no sense. I knew in my head that saying "no" was okay and healthy but my heart didn't agree.  I had to learn how to bridge the gap between my head and my heart and some days that 18 inches might as well have been 1000 miles. But the more I said "no" the more my heart began to connect to my head and the smaller that hoard pile named "people pleasing" became.

Once hoarded piles are removed and addressed there's all this space.  Wide open spaces that convey freedom, suddenly it feels like deep breaths can be taken, there's room for healthy things. And you wonder, why did I ever let it get *that* bad?  

A lot of hoarders start out by collecting something or purchasing something because "someday I'm going to work on that".  It's never an intentional act to create walls of stuff around them, spend money they don't have on things they don't need, hang on to trash, allow food to rot, etc. Nobody grows up and says, "I want to be a hoarder someday." All of it is to cover up their hearts, it's a way to distance themselves from whatever the hurt is. And we all do that. But some of us do that in ways that aren't as visible as the hoarder of a home.

I have unknowingly hoarded good things. By hoarding and abusing those things or people I twisted them from a good thing to a damaging thing in my life. I allowed my unhealthy mindsets to distort the good and turn it into bad.  We all do this, not one of us is exempt.  Maybe we haven't recognized it yet but we all do it with something or someone in our lives.

Are there any behaviors, mindsets, emotions, or situations that you have hoarded and you know that the stench of them is keeping people at arm's length?  That the filth of them might be interfering with your career?  Have you wondered why relationships are only skimming the surface of your life and not going deeper?  Hoard piles and walls don't allow for depth and ease of movement.

Dear Hoarder, I understand.  I really, really do.  Don't let pride fool you into thinking you can clear out the hoard on your own.  Invite someone into it. As embarrassing as it may feel, issue an invitation to someone and begin to clear out the hoard in your life so that you can live in freedom.

What's your rush?

Just like the Apostle Paul said he was the chief of all sinners I will start with this disclaimer:  I am the guiltiest of all. Just keep that in mind okay?  :)

I've noticed a lot of impatience lately.  On the roads, in lines, with store clerks, with relationships, and the list could go on and on.  Where it has really been noticeable for me most recently is on the road.  I was in literal bumper to bumper traffic a couple of weeks ago and there was this driver that was obviously impatient and needed to be somewhere (as if we all didn't).  First he got mad at me because I pulled into the traffic when there was a large space to do so and it was safe, not cutting anyone off or inconveniencing anyone. Except for him I guess.  He sped up on me and tried to cut me off.  Uh, hello? Do you see the traffic? Where do you think you are going to get to by being in front of me? Oh maybe you wanted to make it to the next red light in front of me?  The lane we were in wasn't moving fast enough in the stop and go traffic so he pushed his way into the other lane. Congrats dude, you are now one car length BEHIND where you were.  And there he stayed the entire time the traffic was heavy, one car length behind where he would have been had he stayed in the lane he was in. And he kept gunning it when there was movement in the line.  He would go real fast for, you know, about half a second before he would have to stop again.  Ugh.  People like that give me road rage.

I also witnessed a spectacular display of impatience at the library the other day.  A woman didn't understand how to look up something on the library website so she asked for help.  The young man showed her how to do it, step by step.  She kept interrupting him and asking questions that he had already answered.  He patiently kept explaining it to her, using several different ways of explaining the same thing. She wasn't getting it so she got really snippy with him.  I wanted to step out from behind the shelf I was looking at while listening to all this and say, "Hey lady, there's no other ways for him to explain it.  It's not his fault you don't understand.  BACK OFF."  Sigh.

What's your rush?

Impatience is the answer.  Impatience because we each believe what we have to do and say is more important than what anyone else has to do or say.  Or impatience with ourselves because we didn't manage our time well or we are frustrated that this world is speeding ahead of us and we can't keep up.  Impatience because everyone else seems to have forgotten that it is supposed to be all about us!

Let's just take a moment and breathe...deeply.  Slow down.  Let go of your entitlements.  Make choices that will support a more relaxed way of going through life.  Step down off the pedestal you act like you belong on.

I was at Sprouts the other day stocking up on fruit.  I was watching my time because I had to pick up my youngest at a specific time.  I got in line and unloaded my cart onto the conveyor belt.  A woman came up behind me and just stood there.  She didn't have anything in her hands and hadn't laid anything down on the belt.  She saw my questioning look and told me all she needed to get was a rain check.  I told her to please step in front of me and do that before the cashier began on my groceries. She was surprised.  "Are you sure", she asked.  "Absolutely," I replied.  She was so grateful.  I looked at the time.  Even if letting her go ahead of me meant I was going to be one minute late to pick up the youngest it was worth it.  There was no reason she shouldn't have gone in front of me.  I actually try to practice this quite a bit in lines.  People are always surprised.  I'm sorry that they are.  They shouldn't be.  I should never be in such a rush that I can't let someone go ahead of me in line that has minimal purchases.  I consider this to be a common courtesy but those have died out and now letting someone go in front of me in a line is called a "random act of kindness." I've talked about that before. By the way, the lady went in front of me, then I checked out. I unloaded my cart into the car, walked the cart all the way back into the store because it was closer to do that than a stall in the parking lot, and went to pick up my daughter.  I got there one minute early.  Common courtesy is always rewarded somehow.

If you let someone in heavy traffic merge in front of you does that really make you any later than you might already be?  The reality is no, it doesn't.  You will still arrive at your destination at the same time you were going to prior to someone merging in front of you. How would you like to be treated were the situation reversed?  Wouldn't you appreciate being let in?  If someone doesn't let you merge in don't you grumble under your breath and accuse them of being rude?  Just remember that.  Just remember that this life we are living we have to live interacting with people, some we know and others we don't.  And interacting with people well means we let go of the fantasy that everything is all about us.

What's your rush?  It's not all about you.    

Are you a safe person? Am I?

I know two people who are both vegetarian/vegan.  One is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time. There are never any eye rolls about people around this one eating meat, there are no discourses about treatment of animals while meat is being eaten, there is no expectation from this one to be catered to for the choice.  This one is happy to bring one's own and provide it for others as a choice.  But like I said, this one is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time.  I never feel like a lesser person in this one's presence, this one doesn't act like one's better than anyone else for one's choice.  The other one is quiet about it verbally but loud about it in non-verbal ways.  I am always aware of the preference the other one has.  There are muttered comments under the breath, eye rolls, and a high expectation to be catered to.  The other one is not happy to bring other's own but rather unhappy about it and stingy with what other one may bring, reluctant to share with others.  I am never not aware of this other one's decision to be vegan, other one makes sure people know.  Again not through words but through behavior.  This other one makes others feel like they don't measure up to some standard and to be around this other one, especially when food is there also, is uncomfortable.  Who is the safe person out of the two?

What does a safe person "look" like?  Sound like?  Behave like?  It's really very simple when we don't over analyze it, over think it, and look at it logically.

A safe person has a "look" overall.  Sure, we all have moments where we are the unsafe person.  But a person who is considered unsafe overall is the opposite.  They have moments, very few, where they aren't unsafe.  There's a look that I believe accompanies both types.  Safe people have an open look to them. They make it feel comfortable to be approached.  Their facial expressions are ones of warmth, hospitality, openness, acceptance.  Unsafe people are closed off.  They have an invisible wall built around them that makes approaching them feel almost scary and definitely uncomfortable.  The facial expressions of an unsafe person consist of scowls, neutral or negative mouth, eyes closed off and sending a message that people aren't welcome.  A lot of times, in fact most of the time, we are not able to be honest or objective about ourselves. Which look do you think you convey the majority of the time?  Ask someone in your life who you can trust to be honest with you to tell you what they see.  If the two answers differ chances are good that the person you asked has the more accurate view of you.

Listen closely to a safe person talk.  Now listen to an unsafe person talk.  What are the differences in their speech, tone, even in the way they relate a story?  Unsafe people use negative language, passive aggressive phrases and language, their tone is unpleasant at best, and they generally speak in harsh ways even when the topic is a "safe" or pleasant one.  I know one person who speaks in harsh ways no matter what she is saying. She isn't a safe person (and for more reasons than her speech).  Safe people lean more towards positive language, use accepting and inviting phrases and language, they have an upbeat and pleasant tone, their harsh speech is rare.  How do you sound to other people?  Remember, you and I aren't objective about ourselves. We hear ourselves in our heads and in our heads we sound so wonderful, kind, and open.  Ask someone else how you sound the majority of the time.  We all have bad days and moments, we all will sound like an unsafe person from time to time, but if we sound like an unsafe person more often than not then the reality is we aren't safe to others.

To study a safe and unsafe person that are occupying the same room is fascinating.  I've had the opportunity to do so.  As open as the safe person is, the unsafe person is just as closed.  Here is what I observed.  The safe person is open with affection in the many ways one can show affection, they are upbeat and friendly, their body language says "welcome", they make eye contact with others, they acknowledge when someone is talking to them by replying or listening, they are interested in what others think, people feel comfortable around them.  Now we look at the unsafe person.  If there was a sign hanging off of them it would say "Closed."  Almost everything about them is closed off.  They are withdrawn, their body language is defensive and even passive aggressive with eye rolls and big sighs in response to something they don't agree with.  Eye contact is limited, they act as if people aren't talking to them and they ignore or snub others.  When they are in the room the atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable.  It affects everyone in very negative ways.  If they choose to reply to someone the answer is generally curt.  If someone recorded you in a room of people which person would you be?  The unsafe or safe one?  What is the reality of you?  We can't see ourselves in a true light, we have to invite others to tell us where we may be falling short.  Of course we think we are behaving well but the reality may be something very different.  So find out from someone else how you behave in a room.

Being safe or unsafe has nothing to do with personality characteristics such as being an introvert or extrovert, being quiet or loud.  My husband is very quiet but people always feel very comfortable approaching him.  He is a safe person, it has nothing to do with him being quiet.  But I know quiet people who are unsafe.  We tend to judge people based on their volume level.  The perception is loud people are obnoxious, unsafe, extroverts, etc and quiet people are docile, safe, introverts, etc.  I have observed loud people and quiet people and those snap judgments are way off base the majority of the time. I know loud people who are actually introverts and some of the safest people in my life.  And I know quiet people who are unsafe extroverts.  Be mindful of making assumptions about people based on their volume levels.

Where does being unsafe or safe come from?  Being unsafe can come from baggage from our past relationships, from our own sense of entitlement and expectations, from insecurities that were sown into us. Being safe can come from those same places but they are healed places.  Once we unpack our baggage and refuse to quit traveling around with it we begin to behave in safe ways.  When we realize we are not entitled to anything and the only expectation that is realistic is to have no expectations we will begin to behave in safe ways.  As we dig up the seeds of insecurity and replace them with seeds of truth we will begin to behave in safe ways.  Behaving in safe ways includes the "look" and sound of a safe person.

A safe person recognizes the unsafe place they have been rescued and healed from and live out of that transformation.  An unsafe person is trapped in a pit of their own making and allow the wounds from life to dictate their behavior.  Safe people know they need help unpacking baggage, digging up insecurities, letting go of entitlements and expectations and so they invite people to speak into their lives and help them.  Safe people don't allow their pride to keep them in bondage to toxic behaviors. Unsafe people gather their pride around them and claim they can heal themselves, they refuse the help of anyone else.  Instead of inviting people to speak into their lives they build a wall around themselves that is impenetrable.  If someone dares to scale the wall the unsafe person will shift the focus off of themselves and try to shift blame, attention, or focus on to a different person.

Nobody wants to look at themselves and say, "I am an unsafe person." But when we can be honest with ourselves and take that first step then we have already taken a step toward becoming a safe person.   Can a person be safe in some areas of their life and unsafe in others? Yes.  We are all in progress and because of our flesh the majority of us are unsafe until we allow the rescue to take place.  Once the rescue happens and the healing occurs we can move toward being a safe person in that area where rescue happened.  I have personally found that once I am moving forward in being a safe person in an area I needed rescue, a new place within me that I am unsafe is revealed and I have to allow the rescue to happen there as well.  I have also discovered that once a few rescues happen and I see the results I am much more willing to allow the unsafe places of myself to come to light so that I can be toxin free in this life.  I don't want to be a toxic person.  I'm pretty sure you don't either.

Are you a safe person?  Am I?



*For further self-reflection/examination on this topic I recommend this article.  

365 Days of Gratitude and Celebrating It with Acts of Kindness

Recently I turned 40 and ended my most current 365 blog. I planned it that way.  :) This should surprise nobody, it's such a Type A thing to do!

Instead of repeat the story here, why not just go and read it over on the 365?  It's broken up into three parts for easier reading.  I hope you enjoy AND are inspired!

The Preface: 365 Days of Gratitude
The Story: Celebrating the Gratitude Attitude
The Epilogue: Continuing in Gratitude

Welcome to the 40's

Last week I turned 40.  I celebrated!  There were no black balloons, no "over the hill" sentiments but there was lots of joy within me.  There was gratitude felt and celebrated. Turning 40 isn't cause for dread but rather cause for a party!

I've been waiting to turn 40 since I was about 35.  I think having an older husband makes me sometimes feel older than I really am and so I forget, often, my true age.  No joke.  I have to stop and think and do the math.

My 30's were hard, amazing, painful, beautiful, life changing.  I came out of the cocoon in my 30's as God took me through a metamorphosis of sorts.  I found my skin and I settled into it. I learned to stop apologizing for who I was and instead live life out of who I am.  I found my voice, I quit striving to please people, my worldview expanded about a billion times from where it was, I discovered God in ways I had never seen him before, I made changes to my expression of faith, I gained friends and I lost friends.  I gained weight and lost weight. My hair was short and then longer, I've been tan and my natural white.  And just in the past couple of years I came to accept certain facts about myself.  Things that aren't character flaws but things that are more preferences, likes/dislikes, things such as:

• I don't like the outdoors.  Now a lot of you know this, and mock me for it, BUT did you know (because I didn't) that I have never really liked the outdoors, even as a wee one. I always preferred playing indoors out of the sun and where there was no dirt and no bugs.  
• Sweating aggravates me.  And then the aggravation turns to anger.  I despise sweating.  This explains my disdain for humidity and extreme heat, or anything above 75, and my reluctance for exercise.  I know I need to exercise but the sweating really messes with my attitude and head. 
• This Type A chick has really bad time management/estimate skills. I'm horrible at estimating length of time for getting somewhere, finishing a task, preparing to leave the house at a particular time, pretty much anything that has to do with time and getting somewhere on time.  I hate it that I am so bad at it and I've tried a bunch of different things to reverse it or to get me more on time but alas the bad habit dies hard.  I haven't given up on trying to be more on time and more realistic with time management but it's slow going.  

Now some of you may read those few things and if you know me you probably just went, "Ah, so that is the explanation for *that*."  Hey, these are minor things, love me or leave me.  Ha! I used to apologize for not liking the outdoors, for example, but I haven't apologized for that in a long time.  It is what it is.  :)  

After I let go of the perfectionism that was holding me prisoner the rest of my 30's was spent learning to be okay with not being great at something, not being liked by everyone, making a mistake and owning up to it, and not stressing myself out to put forth a picture of who I thought people wanted me to be.  Some people were disappointed I broke out of the jail perfectionism, that's fine - they aren't people that are healthy to be in relationship with.  

After I quit striving to please everyone at the cost of my relationships with God and others the rest of my 30's was spent learning to be okay with someones disappointment when I didn't jump as high as they wanted me to, learning to stand up appropriately for myself and not allow people to throw me under the bus for the sake of their reputation, understanding the difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking (HUGE differences!) and learning to be a peacemaker, and learning that when I walk in fear of God things go much much much better for me and everyone else around me.  Some people were disappointed I broke out of perfectionism, that's fine - they aren't people that are healthy to be in relationship with.  

After my worldview was expanded in my early 30's I spent the rest of my 30's trying to learn more, engage more, promote awareness more, understand more.  It has been at a turtle's pace but I continue to learn, engage, and move forward on behalf of "the least of these."  I also have a better perspective on the universal similarities between any culture and the differences between them, my expanded worldview has given me a more balanced opinion about the "great" America.  Yes, I am thankful for the freedoms of living here but this nation is not 'da bomb diggity, we are hypocritical, destroyed by debt, entitled, rude, obnoxious, and a myriad of other negative adjectives.  I no longer wonder why other countries and nations hate us, I get it.  

The biggest change I think I went through was that of my expression of faith.  It caused a bit of chaos in my life.  But the choices I have made in regards to expression have deepened my faith and have driven me to a place with God I know I never would have arrived at sitting in a box on Sunday mornings.  The choices I have made regarding this way of expressing my faith have led to a freedom in Christ I had never experienced before...and I was born into the church nursery, I've been in church my whole life.  I've had a personal relationship with God since I was 4 or 5.  But there was always a sense of being held prisoner.  No longer, he set me free from that and has affirmed my decision regarding expression of faith many times.  Changing my expression of faith put to test the people pleasing I had dealt with, so that got refined a bit as well.  

What do my 30's have to do with turning 40?  My 30's were a set up.  I know they were.  God isn't done with this whole transformation he's been doing the past 10 years.  But I firmly believe that before I could go through anymore I had to go through what I did in my 30's and come out of it settled into my skin.  I've never felt so settled into myself.  It's quite liberating!  Oh sure, there are things I don't like about myself - my weight is probably the biggest (pun intended) thing I don't like about myself.  But I no longer let the things I don't like affect my sense of worth.  My size has nothing to do with my heart and who I am at the core.  I'm learning this slowly but surely. That doesn't mean I just give up on my physical health but it does mean I don't equate it to value and worth.  

How do I feel about turning 40?  FANTASTIC. I've been looking forward to forty for quite some time. I'm just wondering, however, when I'm going to feel like an actual adult?  :) 

The Soundtrack of my 30's

My very first 365 blog was songs.  Songs have always been a source of inspiration, affirmation, even challenge for me.  In my 30's there were many songs that were meaningful and became the soundtrack for that decade.  Here's a few of the featured songs for my 30's, they tell a story of my metamorphosis.

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

Who Am I by Casting Crowns

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

This Is My Now by Jordin Sparks

I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

In Me by Casting Crowns
This is a special video created by a friend from my first trip to Africa in 2007.  Click here to hear the song and see the video.

Hope Now by Addison Road

Desert Song by Brooke Fraser (with Hillsong)

Brave by Nichole Nordeman

I Am by Nichole Nordeman

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets

Make A Move by Royal Tailor

Wake Me Up by Avicii with Aloe Blacc

There were others but these featured are the ones that stick out.  If you listen to the lyrics and you know the stories of my transforming thirties then you'll get why these stick out.  :)

If you had a soundtrack of a time in your life what time would it be and what songs would it consist of?

(Btw, while we are on the subject of songs, soundtracks, and such let me confirm right now that yes.  Yes I do have a playlist created for my memorial service should I pass suddenly.)

Dear 30's Decade,

THANK YOU!  You were fabulous.  I am so in love with you, my 30's.  I am in awe of what happened in the shortest yet longest 10 years of my life.
You ushered me through the metamorphosis I needed to go through.  You were challenging, encouraging, transforming, refining, beautiful, painful, and simply fantastic.  I can't say enough about you, my 30's.  I appreciate your guidance and direction for the "new decade, new life" that God spoke to me.
I can't believe all that happened in my 30's.  I am in awe of the transformation God put me through.  It's a set up I know for my 40's but instead of dreading it, I am anticipating it.
So thank you 30's.  I will forever be grateful for you.

With love and gratitude,
Beth 

Drought Conditions

"Human kindness is overflowing and I think it's going to rain today." 

(Randy Newman)

Well, it's not raining today. In fact, it hasn't rained in days, weeks, months, perhaps years. People, we are in a drought.  And the conditions of this drought are not improving but getting worse.  Without kindness we are dried up.  And there is no human kindness that overflows any longer. Oh sure, we have small pockets from time to time and the brief spurts of massive human kindness but overall? Drought conditions. Dry as a desert riverbed.

Think I am exaggerating? Take a drive.  Yes, that's what I said.  Take a drive.  Get in your car and drive while the roads are fairly populated, maybe even during a rush hour.  Observe the behaviors of other drivers. Which do you see?  People giving each other space to switch lanes or people speeding up so the gaps are closed and there is no space to switch? People entering the interstate in merge fashion or racing with those already on the interstate for the spot "up front"? Drive into a parking lot. Which do you see?  People racing for the closest spot, cutting off others and driving in the wrong direction just to get the spot that is 5 feet closer to the door than the other open spot or people willing to let someone else have the closer-by-5-feet spot because it's just not that big of a deal?

Still not convinced?  Okay how about this.  Common courtesies like holding the door open for someone, smiling at people, helping someone cross the street who may be physically challenged or elderly, picking up something that the person in front of you dropped and returning it to them, and other simple things have stopped becoming courtesies and are considered "random acts of kindness."  Those should be things practiced, or lived out, every day!  They are courtesies not things that should be considered out of the ordinary and therefore random.

I believe that our drought conditions started when the common courtesies stopped being common and became random.  And with the decline of courtesy, human kindness dried up.  It became everyone for themselves and if there is a spare minute and if I feel like it I may help you out.  But not too much or else people will think they can take advantage of me.  Oh friends, human kindness has dried up.  Our drought conditions are manifested in lines at stores, traffic on the roads, office relationships, customer service instances, personal relationships, social media conversations. And then it snowballs and manifests in situations like the recent shooting in Ferguson, or any other of the tragic situations that happen way too often.

The only way to reverse the drought conditions is to saturate the dried up spirits we have and we see in others with purposeful kindness, with reinstating common courtesies that are common once again and not random.  Kindness lived is the rain that solves the drought condition of our souls.

Greedy for More

In the past year or so I have noticed something within my family, myself included.  When we are greedy for more we lose sight of being grateful for what we already have or received.

For example, my youngest redhead and one of her BFF's get the spend almost every Saturday together because we do home church together.  They are usually together a minimum of 5 hours.  One day a few months ago they had been together at least 7 hours and when we sounded the call for leaving in a few minutes they both went up in arms, begging and pleading for more time.  What ended up happening is they wasted the few minutes they had left with each other arguing with us parents about more time.  Not once did it occur to them to be grateful for the 7 hours they got.  They were simply greedy for more.  Or just yesterday my other daughter had to be picked up early from a youth leadership retreat that was important to her.  We had a commitment that couldn't be changed.  Instead of being grateful that she got to participate in it for almost 10 hours she was negotiating to stay the remainder of the time and cancel our prior commitment. She wasn't grateful at all, it seemed to us, for the chance to be at the retreat for the majority of the time.  She was greedy for more.  The hub and I get cranky and greedy for more also.  Usually his comes in the form of material things that he thinks he should be providing for his family, mine comes in time spent with the besties in my life, especially the ones who live out of state.  He and I are both learning to be grateful for what we have and not be greedy for more and we are trying to teach our redheads the same life lesson. Gratitude is a life lesson.

When we are greedy for more we are blinded to what is right in front of us. The greed for more time, more money, more fill in the blank keeps us from gratefulness for what we have been given. We live in a society where we are told bigger is better, more is valued over less, and a discontent for what we do have is bred through social media, commercials, and the comments of others. In fact, to prove this very point I ran across this timely blog post just this morning.  Hop over here for a minute and read this and then come back to me. 

See what I am saying?  See the battle we get introduced to through the innocent, "well meaning" comments of others?  Not to mention the commercials that encourage us to trade in and up for better.  But is bigger better when it means we are living above and beyond our means? Is more a desirable thing when we have no room to store more or we hoard the more?  

How have you seen your greed for more affect your Gratitude Attitude?  

What is something today that you can be grateful for and not attach to it a desire for more of it or an upgraded version of it? 

*This post was originally posted at The 365 Experiment. 

Fainthearted

Life takes courage doesn't it?  And the older I get the more I realize that pretty much every aspect of life takes courage.  I have to be brave in my marriage, bold in my parenting, confident in my relationships, and audacious in living out the mission I am called to.

But what about the days that you crack your eyes open and feel the weariness of life in your bones and you want to pull the covers over your head and escape into sleep once again?  What about those days? The fainthearted do just that, they roll over on their side and pull the sheet up and over themselves to keep the reality of life at bay.  The ones who aren't fainthearted but aren't entirely present will take a few minutes to rise and face the day but they will eventually get on their feet.  And the ones who have determined to not let weariness win will get up and face the day with spirit.  Here's the secret about the determined, even they have weariness of life in their bones.  But the determined are unflinching in their resolve to not let weariness win over courage.  They believe that somewhere deep within themselves their courage is a greater strength than the weakness of life's realities.

I'm feeling so fainthearted these days.  My life as a parent is really weighing down my heart.  We've hit a rough season.  I confess that I feel so weary in parenting right now that all I really want to do is pull the covers over my head.  I don't want to be present and I'm not feeling all that determined.  That's the confession of my flesh.  The Spirit in me gives me the courage I need to do and say the hard things.  My bones protest as I rise but I know I have to rise.  I have a responsibility, given to me by God, to raise these children to the very best of my ability and with his strength and wisdom.  I have a responsibility to make sure they are as healthy as possible not just physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well.  And sometimes that responsibility means the hub and I have to do and say some hard things.  Things that the redheads think are unfair but things we know in the long-run are ensuring health.  Things that they might not see as protection in the moment but we know are.

In my life the weariness of this task comes when the redheads forget that we are for them and not against them.  When they slander us to their friends and we find out.  When they make choices to lie about "little" things so then we can't trust they are telling the truth with the "bigger" stuff.  When they figure out ways to subtly manipulate us and we know it.  When they disrespect us, take advantage of us, and do it in such sly and silent ways that it is almost missed.  When they hurt our feelings because parents can get, and do get, their feelings hurt too.

When I held them as newborns this wasn't part of the plan.  :)  Oh, don't think I was living some fairy tale that my children would be the ones who wouldn't rebel or be angry or have problems.  But I had hope that it would be more of the minor stuff than the major stuff.  And it is, depending on your personal definition of minor and major.  But even the minor stuff can lead to weariness.  And I am weary with anxiety over them, with sadness that trust has been broken and now we must rebuild - which is so hard to do, with confusion as to where it turned around on us, with fear that I will lose my precious babies.  I am weary with the hurt feelings and with trying to remember it isn't personal even when it feels like it is.

At some point, as my Mama pointed out the other day, "this too shall pass".  And I know that in my head but travel about 18 inches down to my heart and I'm not so sure.  At some point I won't be as fainthearted over parenting and it will shift to another area of life.  Until recently it was marriage, now it isn't.  At various times it's been with relationships, and to love others as God does, and has asked me to, is downright hard sometimes and I can too easily become fainthearted in that mission.

There is help and relief for the weariness but I keep forgetting about it.  I forget that I don't have to shoulder the burden I feel in parenting, or marriage, or relationships.  I can transfer the burden to shoulders far more capable than mine.  But I forget it too often.  And when I do remember, I struggle with how to transfer the burden and not try to shoulder some of it still.  But when I can give the burden to someone who can carry it there rushes in this amazing peace and rest and I no longer feel the need to pull the covers over my head.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Put My yoke upon your shoulders—it might appear heavy at first, but it is perfectly fitted to your curves. Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. When you are yoked to Me, your weary souls will find rest. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

What has been weighing you down recently?  What tempts you to stay in bed with the covers pulled over your head these days?  Have you thought about transferring that burden to the more capable shoulders of the One who created you?  How could that change the way you feel or respond to the current cause of being fainthearted?

Vodka and Jesus

"What are you guys still doing up," asked my brother, arriving home from a Yankee's game he, Dad, and Brad went to.

"We are drinking vodka and talking about Jesus," was my sister-in-love's reply.

Let me explain how that came to be...

Earlier that afternoon we went to get mani/pedi's.  On the way home we ducked into the liquor store on the corner of First and 86th, heading back to the section we wanted. Before us was a wide variety of flavors. Birthday Cake, Cotton Candy, Chocolate Covered Strawberries, Pineapple Coconut, Root Beer Float, Blueberry, the one we wanted - Salted Caramel, and so many more.
We made the purchase and crossed the street to the apartment.  Stowing it in the freezer with a plan for later we went about our girls night with delicious vegan food and wine.  We laughed and talked and shared stories about my brother with my soon to be sister-in-love.  Mama and Adele left for their respective beds, Rebecca and I grabbed the bottle from the freezer, plopped a couple of ice cubes in two glasses, and poured a nightcap of Salted Caramel Vodka for ourselves.  We folded our legs under us, swirling our glasses, sipping, and chatting.  And Jesus somehow found his way into our conversation.

Jesus is a "forbidden" topic in my extended family.  Years ago, on the eve of Paul and Rebecca's wedding, my brother made a family rule that we all agreed to.  No politics, no religion.  Leave those off the table and out of discussion and we'll all get along just fine.  Can't mature adults discuss these topics and agree to disagree?  One would think so but we hadn't yet seen a successful practice of that in any of our circles.  With our diverse thoughts and opinions on those two hot button topics we figured it best to shelve them, permanently, during family times.  And it's worked rather well for us over the years.  There's been a divisive moment or two between siblings and sometimes we have broached politics with permission granted but generally we steer clear of those things, at least in large group conversations, and find plenty of other topics for discussion.

But my sister-in-love, Rebecca, and I can talk about Jesus openly and be okay, better than okay, with one another.  And so we have, over the years, discussed faith and religion, God and Jesus, spiritual matters. She's been privvy to some of the more private moments of my faith transformation in the past few years. She has confided in me her thoughts about raising children with a sense of spirituality and what that might look like among her own personal thoughts about God.

As we swirled and sipped our Salted Caramel vodka Jesus came up.  He had already made a briefer appearance earlier that day so it was natural to bring him back in to the conversation.  She asked me questions about my recent expressions of faith and for the first time with anyone other than my husband I answered the questions and was able to give a halfway intelligent reason for the why's .  We talked about expectations I may have of others and she knew I was honest when I said I had none, these were my convictions and I didn't want or feel the need to force them on anyone else, even my own children and husband.  She asked more questions, I gave answers best I could.  She shared with me some thoughts and ideas she had been mulling over recently.  We found common ground in each other's thoughts about faith, God, and Jesus.  We discovered, with Jesus between us and vodka in our glasses, that we are walking similar directions in matters of faith.  Our paths appear very different but the core of our journey is so similar it feels comfortable to one another.

Then Paul came home and the conversation wrapped up.  Glasses were drained, put away, the bed was pulled out for me and we all laid down for the night.  And I laid there thinking about Jesus and vodka and smiling over the road Rebecca and I walk together in matters of faith.  Maybe it was the vodka that warmed me that night but maybe it was the presence of Jesus in our conversation and relationship also.

How about you?  Do you have someone in your life that you can sip vodka with and discuss Jesus?  Maybe it's not vodka, maybe it's coffee, but do you have someone you can be open with?  Who feels safe to be honest with about confidences in faith and doubts in faith? 

Are you scandalized that Jesus participated in a conversation where alcohol was being consumed?  If so, why?  Does it disturb you that we have a family rule of no religion, or politics, talk?  If so, why?  

Evicting Regrets

I was a student at a Christian High School driving home one day with friends.  There were two car loads of us driving down a street in our city. Our windows were down and we were driving side by side kind of racing and doing stupid teenager stuff.  In a moment of "trash talk" I talked trash and let the F-bomb fly, loudly, out of my mouth. The shocked and stunned looks and silence greeted that moment and sobered me up pretty quickly. I can still remember my ears on fire from shame and my mouth feeling like it had been coated with some nasty chemical.  That was about 25 years ago and yet I can remember the regret and shame of it to this very second.   

I was still a student at a Christian High School and my boyfriend and I got too comfortable with one another. One night we were parked behind a deserted building, making out and taking things way too far. In a moment of teenage lust I asked him to take us way too far and in a moment of God's saving grace we were caught by a security guard that was on the premises.  He interrupted what would have turned into an even bigger regret. That was about 24 years ago and yet I can remember the regret and shame of one, having allowed lust to take over my standards and two, being caught in such a intimate position. To this day when I drive by that building I have to battle the shame that wells up in my soul. 

I was on staff at a local church and struggling with my emotional and mental baggage.  Unfortunately the man I was assisting took advantage of my struggles, which he knew about, and used them to his benefit when our working relationship was called into question.  (In case anyone wonders about my response to that questioning...EW.  Enough said.)  Without my knowledge, a list was written up and presented to other staff members for review and to hear his side of the supposed story before I was set in a chair and accused of multiple lies. (There is SO much wrong with this story right?)  I sat in that chair and read over a list of ways in which I was unacceptable and unworthy to be in ministry and the shame covered me like a heavy thick blanket. There was a whisper somewhere deep within me that said, "Fight back. Stand up for yourself, you know the truth," but the whisper was smothered by the shame this man was attempting to heap on me.  So I let them tell me who I was and didn't fight for myself.  I regret that.  I regret not standing up for myself; I regret not being stronger in spirit to speak truth against the lies being told. It took me 5 years to go back to some of those men and confront the shame they had attempted to cover me in and stand up for myself.

I have said things I regret, I have behaved in ways that I regret, I have had relationships that I regret, and my guess is you have too.  Regret seems to be a part of life.  I've been thinking about regrets for the past few months, I guess actually for the past year or so.  This could be a good or bad thing.  Sometimes when dwelling on regrets I can begin to wallow. Other times I can see the other side of it.  I have done a little bit of both in the past year when thinking about regrets but now I'm at the place where I am acknowledging them without the wallowing and choosing to move forward without them tagging along. I mean really, what am I going to do about something I regret from 25 years ago? Nothing. I'm going to do nothing because it is what it is now; even then it was what it was. I think I might be able to see that even in the regret there was something good and right that happened within it or as a result of it. It's a very "unanswered prayers" perspective I am allowing myself to have and I'm learning how to have.

I was wallowing a bit a few months ago.  A relationship that had ended years ago resurfaced and unsettled my soul.  I had found my own closure with the person, without their participation, and had moved on a few years earlier.  And then suddenly they entered into my world, albeit on the fringes. Old and even some new regrets presented themselves and I was wading through the quicksand of rocky emotions and "what ifs." That's what wallowing in regret does.  All these "what ifs" start talking and distort reality and truth.  "What ifs" blur lines that were sharp just a day ago.  Regret drags a countenance down.  Regret pulls us back to the past and convinces us that it is too late to start over, make a brand new start, forgive, change, etc.  Regret is the tool used to turn us away from truth.

The lie of regret says, "It's over, it's finished. You are stuck in this place forever."
The truth says, "You can start over right now this very second and move forward."

The lie of regret says, "Maybe if you had just waited it out and been more patient you would have gotten it."
The truth says, "Don't waste your life on a 'what if'.  Move forward and don't settle for second best."

The lie of regret says, "You can't change what you have done. You will be all alone now."
The truth says, "You can't change what you have done but you can make amends and seek restoration. You are not alone."

The lie of regret says, "Shame is your name, you need to hold on to it to remind yourself of your wretchedness."
The truth says, "You are not who you were, you are forgiven and released."

There's more where those lies and truth come from but you get the idea. My guess is you have battled some of those lies yourself.  They aren't unique to just me or you, lies are unimaginative and universal.  The truth is the cure for what ails.  And once truth conquers the lie we see that we can start over, start fresh, restore, and create a new story that is redemptive.

A couple of years ago my High School Yearbook Advisor contacted me and asked me to come and speak to a girls class she was teaching at the Christian High School I graduated from.  I sat down in front of these Christian High School teenagers, flooded with memories of my own days there, and told them about the F-bomb.  And I told them about the regret I have of that instance.  Then I shared with them what I learned in the years since about regret, shame, healing, and the power of words. I'm not the girl I was when the F-bomb flew out of my mouth, I'm better than a word that indicates I have no imagination or class.

Fast forward a few months after I spoke to the girls at the Christian High School.  The same teacher asked me back for a new class of girls. This time I sat in front of them and told them about my indiscretions with purity and the regret I have because of it.  I told them how my choices to lower my standards for temporal lust have affected me in the years since. Then I shared with them what I learned since then about regret, shame, healing, and purity.  I'm not the girl I was when I asked my boyfriend to take us physically farther than I knew was good for us, I'm better than a choice that indicates I have no self-control or standards.

About 5 years after I had been dismissed from the church staff because I was "unfit" I walked through the doors with my husband at my side. We sat in two offices that day and with both men I stood up for myself and truth as I should have done 5 years prior.  I presented evidence to refute the lies they believed about me, I confronted them on their own choices regarding the treatment of me, I gave them the full story rather than let the half-story sit out there and continue to distort truth. I could do this because regret had no hold on me and shame was not my name.  Some would say, "You waited five years?  Sheesh, couldn't you just let it go?" The answer is no. No, I could not let it go because God would not let it go.  And if I had not followed God's timing on the when and where of standing up for truth I would have new regrets to deal with. I do my best to avoid having regrets.  :)  Guess what?  The timing, five years later, was perfect.  Both men were in a place to hear me and to seek restoration with me. Freedom happened that day.

Does regret have a place in your life?  Have you allowed it to set up camp in your heart?  Has it gotten comfy in your mind?  Make a choice to evict regret and reclaim truth!  It may mean forgiving self, forgiving others, making a few lifestyle changes, taking a risk, etc but the long-term benefit of the choice to reclaim truth is worth any short-term pain.  I PROMISE.  Carl Bard said, "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."  Start from now and write a new ending to your story.  I am, so you are not alone!

By the way, I have never said the F-bomb again. *wink*

Let's talk about...love* baby, let's talk about you and me

Ready? Set? Answer this: 

The difference between loving someone and being in love with someone is...

I asked this question on my Facebook page a few months ago after a conversation my husband and I had. Lanny asked me, "Are you still in love with me?" I replied that I didn't think so. He took it one way and I meant it a different way.  I chewed on it for a couple of days and then put it out there for Facebook to answer.  And what I found was that there is no right or wrong answer and each person answers according to their perspective, which isn't right or wrong in this particular case.

What did I mean when I told my husband that I didn't think I was "in love" with him anymore?  I meant that I had gone way beyond those mushy, butterflies-in-the-stomach feelings that I associate with being "in love." We have been married for almost 19 years.  A lot of water has flowed under our bridge during our relationship.  Being "in love", according to my perspective, is a feeling that can come and go and is dependent on situations, circumstances, etc.  Loving someone, however, is a commitment to stay the course even when it gets tough.  And it does get tough.  Relationships take work.  When I tell my husband I love him, I am telling him that I am willing to fight for us when things are hard, and that I am willing to continue to learn how to consider him and not be self-serving.  Sometimes I am also "in love" with my husband again. But, for me, that "in love" feeling comes and goes but loving him is a constant, I choose to love him and want the best for him even when I am hurt or angry with him.  I choose to love him and be committed to our marriage even when I am wishing for the single life again.

Here's what some of my Facebook friends said about loving someone vs. being "in love":

Loving someone is a choice accompanied by actions that are fruits of that choice and being in love is a feeling...an awesome, heady, high that comes crashing down when deeply hurt or disappointed.

One you care for that person and the other you want the best for them.

Being in love is more of an initial emotion that can be based on attraction. While loving someone is a choice or decision to commit your heart to someone not based on what they are able to do for you.

Loving somebody is 1 Corinthians 13 (in a nutshell), and being in love with somebody could be that they like the idea of that person, if that makes sense.

I love my kids, but wouldn't say I'm 'in love' with them the way I would about my boyfriend. But I think more credit needs to be given to the term 'in love.' It's not something fleeting or temporary.

Loving someone is desiring and doing what is in that person's best interest. The term "in love" indicates that the opposite, being "out of love", can occur. Being in love can still be very powerful, but it is heavily based on personal feelings and emotions, which are wonderful but not always the best things to rely on.

Being in love is showing a present action. ... On going and growing ... I love my wife but more than that I am in love with her !!!!

I love a lot of people. Being "in love" makes me think of an active state of being, rather than a passive state of being.

Loving someone means you sacrifice your needs and put them first before your own.

Loving someone means sacrificing for their good, it means seeing a person through Gods eyes... Knowing their soul.... Wanting, no needing, to grow In your walk with God together.

See what I mean? It's all in perspective and not one single person who gave input is wrong. In fact, I think they are all right to one degree or another.  I sat down with my husband, who felt hurt that I wasn't "in love" with him at that moment and I shared with him my informal poll and my clarified thoughts on the topic. I reaffirmed that I do love him, even when I may be acting edgy.

Around the same time we were studying John 21 in our home church.  In verses 15-17 Jesus asks Peter three times "do you love me."  Two times, in my version, he asks "do you TRULY love me" and the third time he asks "do you love me."  My study note on this portion speculated on the difference between "truly love" and "love" which made me think about my question.  To rephrase the question I asked: What is the difference between truly love and love?  Here's what my study note suggests: "Truly love" refers to a love in which the entire personality, including the will, is involved. "Love" refers to the spontaneous natural affection or fondness in which emotion plays a more prominent role than will.

I love looking at different versions of the Bible to get a fuller picture. Here's what the Amplified Bible says about the two different loves Jesus uses to ask Peter: The first two loves used, in verse 15 and 16 the Amplified breaks down as this - with reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion, as one loves the Father. The love used in verse 17 the Amplified breaks it down as - with a deep, instinctive, personal affection for Me, as a close friend. In the English language we limit ourselves and use one word to describe what is actually a larger and deeper emotion. In all other languages, to my knowledge, they have several definitions for the same word to really describe the emotion. So when I say I love coffee and I love my husband do I really mean I love them equally? Of course not! In any other language I would use the word love in two different forms and the underlying meaning would be known. Here in America people equate them, in part, because we don't have depth to our words and language.  Our language clings to the surface and doesn't have the layers of meaning and emotion that other languages possess. So we have to look below the surface.

I hope my husband knows that I don't love him and coffee the same.  How tragic that would be if I did.  If I look at the love I have for my husband and the love I have for coffee according to what my studies in John 21 showed me it is clear to me that I truly love my husband.  To truly love someone means you invest your whole personality, your whole self into that relationship, including your will - which requires sacrifice.  To love something or even someone means I am basing my affection on emotions, which can fluctuate and change and doesn't involve much, if any, sacrifice of self.  The investment in this kind of love is minimal whereas the investment in truly loving is at a maximum.

If Lanny asked me today, "Are you in love with me?" my answer would still be no, not really. But I would go on to say, "Babe, I truly love you." And truly loving someone trumps "in love" every time, in my opinion.



*Oh man, I got you didn't I?  For a brief moment there you thought we might be talking about sex, right? *grin* You know, the song? Oh never mind... *wink*