The Cost of Betrayal {Part 2}

{If you missed part 1 click here}

My current boss, I like to call him The Chief these days, is the first male boss I have had and been willing to have since the collision with betrayal 10 years ago.  

When I interviewed for the position a couple of years ago and realized, in the middle of the interview, that he was a he and he would be the first male boss I had since the whole collision my heart paused. I wasn't sure I could have a male boss again. It suddenly felt more raw than it had in a long time. So I had to step back and think. 

If I was going to take the chance again with a male boss a few things were clear.

1) The Chief wasn't the Pastor. Two totally different men. 2) Whatever distrust I had regarding the Pastor I could not transfer to The Chief, that wasn't fair to him. 3) I was stronger now 8 years later than I was then, 8 years prior. I didn't believe in enabling bad behavior under the guise of God or Pastor title (or any title actually) and I didn't believe that I did not have important things to say. 4) I believed more than ever in my gift of discernment as it hadn't let me down yet. I had let it down but not in 8 years and I wasn't about to make that mistake again. 5) Boundaries will need to be established that I stick to, and insist on, no matter what.  

I took the job. 

I got some counsel from my hub and friends who had walked the road of betrayal with me 8 years prior. They helped me establish the boundaries I would personally need and reminded me of the facts - Chief wasn't Pastor so don't make him pay for the Pastor's sins. Trusting a male boss again can work out.

The Chief isn't the Pastor. It was quickly apparent that Chief was way healthier emotionally and spiritually than the Pastor. For example, he knew boundaries were appropriate and important. Over the past 2 plus years of working together we have learned about each other, learned to trust one another, and we've never had any boundary issues. It has been a healing experience for me personally. He has given me space to use my voice and share opinions. He has defended me and he has asked me for "my side" of any conflict that has popped up in the workplace.  He has allowed me to say hard (and perhaps harsh) things and not 'punished' me for them but instead worked with me to get to the core of what I'm saying. He has been a part of the redemption*, unknowingly, of the situation from 10 years ago.  I love the truth of Joel 2:25, "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...." It sounds a little dramatic but the fallout from betrayal can eat up years of an abundant life. Yet God stays true to his word, he pays us back for those lost years and then some.  

The Chief and I, June 2015. 

He's not perfect, neither am I. But he's always more than willing to admit to his mess-ups, imperfections, and sins. I am too. He's helped the wounds of the betrayal scab over and toughen me up and the best part? He hasn't tried to do that, he just did by being who he is. 

So why was I standing in his office this past week unsuccessfully swallowing back tears? 

Prompted by our hard - but okay - conversation, betrayal came for a little visit. It sat down and started to unpack its baggage. 

"Maybe I just care too much." And saying that I got up to leave before the uncontrollable sob that was threatening to escape came out. Asked for more of an explanation I brought up *The God Card.* Chief disagreed with me and that sob kept creeping up to burst out. I was doing my best to keep it contained. I was failing. I also couldn't quite figure out what was going on with me.  Why was I feeling this conversation so deeply? My answer was 100% accurate but there was more to it. I just couldn't get there on my own.  

About an hour after we both had recovered from the conversation, i.e. I had finally quit crying dammit, Chief walked by my desk and we fist bumped. 

All was well with us.  

But not all was well with me. 

I left a voice message for a friend who knew me back then, back when the collision between myself and betrayal happened. She was also on the church staff at the time. She heard I had quit voluntarily but she also saw me and heard what I was not saying. It was clear something wasn't right. It took a few years for her to find out the full story about that time and, she knows this, for a season I wasn't sure that I could trust her.  The betrayal threw me into a tailspin of distrust of everyone at the church, especially the church staff. I had no idea what women had started the rumor so I didn't know if she could be one of them. It turns out she wasn't, but it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I could even share the details of the collision with her. So I left her a message the day of the meltdown in Chief's office. And this was part of her response, "You were really screwed by a male boss and authority figure and while that happened a while ago you were deeply betrayed and deep betrayal like that can really jack with you....It makes perfect sense that you are struggling so much because there is no way that the deep betrayal and not just the betrayal but the other stuff too, there is no way that it did not leave its mark on you and that its mark did not leave some triggers...." 

Gee, thanks friend because now I'm sobbing - uncontrollably - again. 

Except this time I knew why I was crying. My experience, my hurt, my struggles to trust, my sensitivity to bad behavior, every abuse and bullying I endured at the hands of the Pastor and the woman interloper wasn't being discounted, dismissed, or excused away. It was being acknowledged, heard, and seen. Still, after 10 years, validation of what was done to me is important it seems. (Who knew? Because I sure didn't!)  

"....and now as I'm talking out loud of course this all goes back to the church and the Pastor. Dammit!" And that's when it hit me in a different way than it has before. 

The cost of betrayal is high. It is so high that the debt it creates can be paid down but I'm not sure it can ever be fully paid off. I found myself, post-collision, in a deficit. Every part of my life experienced fallout from the collision with betrayal, which means the fallout touched other people as well.  In short it sucked. It really sucked. 

I've had to fight really hard, emotionally and spiritually, to pay down some of the debt and not live out of the deficit it created. I've done the work of forgiveness and healing and it hasn't been easy. About a month after the betrayal I climbed out of my bed and went to go see a counselor. I am a counselor and I knew I needed some help if I was ever going to recover from this collision. I took the two pages of neatly typed shame to her and when she asked me why I wanted counseling I handed her the pages and said, "Here's why. I need to know what's true and what's not." She glanced down at the pages, read perhaps one sentence, looked up at me and calmly balled the pages into a crumpled bit of trash. "These are lies. Now tell me what happened and let's get to the truth." And so the debt began to get paid down. Yet the cost of my betrayal remains high at times and one of those times happened this past week in the office of The Chief. 

When betrayal and I met face to face I was made to feel as if my gift of discernment and my skills with counseling people were wrong and somehow inappropriate. And I believed it for about 2 days. For months prior I had been discerning several things but every time I brought up my concerns they, and I, were dismissed. So it's hard for me to not equate betrayal and being dismissed. I know they aren't the same but they have the same feeling to my heart and my psyche. As Chief and I had our hard - but okay - conversation I was feeling dismissed underneath all that was being said. I was taking a chance and sharing what my discernment was picking up on and was getting some pushback. And pushback and being dismissed aren't the same or equal either but try telling a scabbed over heart that. You can't. You have to let the heart figure it out and come to terms with it.  That's when you hope that some more of the debt has been paid down and the deficit betrayal causes rises a bit. 

Ten years later and I'm standing. I survived, I have even thrived.  I have done more work for God and his people since being told I couldn't. Thank goodness God didn't listen to Pastor and his buddies! *wink* This past week betrayal tried to unpack its baggage and settle back in to my life but fortunately I babbled and cried to a friend who was able to help me pay down some more of the debt betrayal has wracked up in my life.  So that's where the deficit ends between myself and The Chief. 

But what about the others? Was there any debt paid down with them? 

*These posts (click here and here) speak to other ways God has redeemed the collision with betrayal, he sent me to Africa less than a year after it happened! Yes, me - who wasn't fit for God or his people. *wink*

*And this post is about a man that God started using almost right away post-betrayal to begin redemption in regards to male leadership outside of my husband. 

Click here for the Epilogue

The Cost of Betrayal {Part 1}

Sometimes the high cost of betrayal sneaks up on me with no warning.

I was standing in my boss' office earlier this week in tears. Poor guy.

I was standing there, trying not to do that uncontrollable cry in front of him - failing for the most part. And he was sitting looking at me - contemplative and concerned.

We had a hard conversation but we were okay. And yet there it came, creeping up on me...literally. I could feel the burn of the tears start working their way up from my heart into my throat and straight for my eyes.  Darn it. I kept swallowing down the tears but the red flush taking over my neck and face were giving me away.

"What's going on? Why are you feeling this [conversation] so deeply?"

And the floodgates opened. I couldn't swallow back the tears any longer. I tried to laugh while a sob escaped and I choked out, "Because I'm a counselor. Because I hear things that aren't said out loud and I see things that most people don't. Because I have the gift of discernment and it sucks most of the time because I'm hardly ever believed. Because I hate working for ministries, I'm so frustrated."

And then I couldn't stop crying.
My poor boss.

About 10 years ago I was working at a church in the town where I live.  I had survived, barely, one conflict within our church staff already and was already labeled as a "troublemaker." So I was toeing the line, so to speak.  I regret that now by the way. I wasn't toeing the line, I was people pleasing and enabling the bad behavior of others and even myself to some extent. Anyway. In a series of events I switched 'departments' and moved from Children's Ministry to assistant to one of the Pastors.

The tricky part of the move was the Pastor I was now assisting also happened to be my current counselor. Oh that conflict I mentioned above? Yeah part of keeping my job was a requirement to be counseled by the counseling Pastor on staff. I should have quit my job dammit. So when I made the move to assisting him and also being counseled by him (are the warning bells clanging loudly in your head too?) I had more than one meeting with him in which I asked to get my own counselor so there wouldn't be a blurred line between my job and my personal life, of which he knew quite a bit by this point.  I was assured over and over again that he could maintain the separation.  So I eventually gave up asking and we continued on - employee and counselee.

Then it happened. As it had to. In what scenario does it ever work out that your boss can also be your counselor and keep it all separated and not use it against you to protect himself?  In no scenario, I'm proof of that. I have plenty of evidence to back it up.* 

To back up just a bit let me explain the culture of this staff that, in the end, contributed greatly to the betrayal coming my way.  It was a staff of men whom I called "The Boys" and lest one thinks that is a compliment let me set the record straight. It's not.  Not at all.  In fact, to be clear, the following phrases/terms are not compliments but warnings: "The Boys", "The Good 'ole Boys Club", "The Good 'ole Boys Network" or any other variation on that theme. And sometimes a woman or two sneak in and are a part of that 'club' so it's not necessarily gender specific all of the time. The conflict I had already endured was actually at the hands of a woman who was part of "The Boys" so really betrayal number one was thanks to a woman.  Women who join "The Boys" are more dangerous to themselves and others than the actual boys.

Accusations were being whispered around the hallways of the church and I had no idea. Some women of the church started a rumor that I made a claim about myself and the Pastor I was assisting that sounded like we had an inappropriate relationship. EW.
EW EW EW EW. 
*shudder*
*gag*
If you 1) saw this pastor you would know that my response is legit and 2) knew this pompous pastor you would know my response is legit.
I can only surmise, however, that he liked the idea that I might be harboring some sort of inappropriate feelings for him because what he did with the rumors is where the betrayal picks up momentum as it heads toward me. He told his wife, who by the way is more dangerous than any "Boys Club" - she is a force of her own, mean-spirited, critical, negative, self-righteous, I could go on but I won't. Together they devised a plan to save his reputation but let mine get run over until it resembled nothing but mangled heart and spirit.

The plan included taking the personal information they both knew about me from counseling sessions and using it as reasons for why I was unacceptable to work in or for a ministry and God himself. Then after they typed out their 2 pages of reasoning (I use that term about them in the lightest sense possible) he turned it over to "The Boys" and made his case. Oh, and by the way I had NO idea any of this was going on. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. I knew something was off but I couldn't figure out what it might be.  Now here's where the betrayal really gained ground and collision with me was the next stop.

"The Boys" read the 2 pages of complete lies and believed them without asking me for any input about myself. Yes, not once did someone approach me and ask to have an adult conversation in which I could have an opportunity to even be informed of what was being said and going on.  I was in the dark and I was kept in the dark.

I arrived at work one day, in the dark, and suddenly this Pastor is agreeable to have a "counseling session" with me even though one wasn't scheduled. Huh. Oookkkkaaay. And in the session, which let's be honest was more work related than personal related because this dude was delusional and could not keep the two separated, some things were said and suggested that got my attention. And suddenly the dark I had been in had some light dispelling it and I knew something was really wrong. I was asked to take an extended break and return to the office that afternoon about 5.  Um, gee I think I might know what that means.  (I'm not as stupid as some believe me to be.) 

So I returned at 5ish, after pacing the floor of my parents empty house and being told (literally) by God that I was going to get fired but everything was going to be okay. I called the hub, told him I was getting fired but I didn't know what for and would tell him when I got home. And then I showed up so the betrayal and I could finally meet face to face.

One of "The Boys" was in the office along with the Pastor who had a deep need to protect himself from any sort of accusations - true or false (I mentioned EW on my part but it's unclear about his feelings. EW.) I was handed two sheets of paper with lies and accusations neatly printed up on it and was told, not asked, that all of those words were true about me and my feelings and I was those words and therefore unfit for God and his people.  No, I'm not joking.

Huh. Anytime I opened my mouth and tried to dispute something I was told, not asked, to be quiet and just admit that all of this was true. Huh. I had no way out, they had backed me into a corner I didn't even realize existed and I was not allowed out of the corner.  They were attempting to put me in time out for the rest of my life. And not only that but they were also telling me to confess that I had inappropriate feelings for this Pastor. EW. I refused. I wouldn't do it because it was not true. 

Clearly I was fired because I wasn't fit for God and his people. But I was told that the story was I had quit by my own choice to focus on my family (dammit) and if any other version got out but that story there would be consequences. (Anyone else wondering why in the hell I bought that line of bully tactics?) I left in shock. I didn't know what to say, what to do. I couldn't believe the collision that had just taken place. I drove home but I don't remember how.

The betrayal had layers. Bullying, abuse, self-protection, lies (duh), and baggage. So much baggage. It seems to me, and those who walked with me through this time, that the most obvious baggage is that of now having a male boss. The last male boss, the Pastor/Counselor, I had betrayed me on deep levels. He used personal information about me to shame me into protecting his reputation. During my time as his assistant I endured abusive behavior from him and his wife. They used me to protect themselves and their bad behavior. I was used as their scapegoat for all sorts of things that I will keep private, there's no good now in rehashing them. They bullied me into keeping unhealthy secrets about them and their family. They were toxic and slowly, as a successful poisoning happens, poisoned me for their purposes. I almost, figuratively, died. But they cut me loose before I could perish and for that I am grateful.  While the betrayal was, and still is, deeply painful it was also my saving grace. While the women who started rumors about an inappropriate relationship are no longer welcome to even be spoken of in my presence I am grateful; their lying tongues ensured that the slow poison of this man and his wife to take me out was preempted. And I survived.

But I didn't walk away without scars and cuts so deep that 10 years later, standing in my current boss' office, the bleeding was still happening.



*I've briefly talked about this before but not so candidly. Those thoughts are found here, here, and here.

Click here for Part 2

Grabs to Grips

Have you ever known someone (maybe you were the someone) who outgrew reality and was attempting to make a power play?  Maybe it was in their workplace, their family, a ministry, or some other venue.  And like a car wreck in slow motion others can see it happening but are helpless to do anything to stop it.

I've watched this happen a time or two. In fact I was part of the wreck once upon a time. I got tangled up in someone's grab for power. It wasn't fun.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I was reminded of someone who made a grab for power, tangled several people up in it, and it ended predictably.  In a wreck. It always ends in predictable ways, always.

Quite a few years ago there was this dude named Haman.  He was a cocky and arrogant man who outgrew reality.  His boss, King Xerxes, was on the hunt for a new piece of arm candy and he finally picked one. This girl was beautiful. She was the talk of the town. She was also Jewish but nobody knew because her Uncle, Mordecai, had asked her to keep it quiet. During Esther's crowning as the new Queen, Haman thought it would be great to require people to bow down to him in honor.  His boss had suggested it but as the story continues one gets the idea that perhaps it wasn't his idea but Haman's.  Mordecai refused and Haman was offended. He found out that Mordecai was Jewish so he hatched a plan. He decided it was time for a little ethnic cleansing and he made a grab for power.  He plotted and schemed to wipe the Jewish people off the face of the map. He didn't know his new Queen was one of those people he wanted to get rid of. Oops. He approached his boss with an idea that was genocide but Xerxes wasn't smart enough to figure that out so he okayed it.  Haman was strutting around like a rooster in heat. Since his boss thought that idea was good he forgot that he wasn't the boss and started making decisions and decrees without clearing them by Xerxes first. Oops. Mordecai caught wind of the plan to kill off the Jews, asked Esther - his niece and the Queen - to do something about it and she hatched her own plan.  Esther saw Haman for who he was, a power hungry arrogant racist.  By the time she executed her plan things were already starting to unravel for power hungry Haman.  So he turned from trying to grab power to keeping a death grip on the job he had.  You know the death grip I'm talking about?  That one where you are gripping on to something so tightly that your knuckles turn white and you choke the proverbial life out of it.  That kind of death grip. When all was said and done, Haman's power grab had turned into a death grip which turned into literal death for him.

It doesn't always end in literal death but it always ends in some kind of death; career, relationships, spiritual, mental, etc.  Power grabs and death grips turn something that could be beneficial and unifying into divisive and toxic. Power grabs always turn into death grips and death grips always mark the end for that person.  It usually takes longer than anyone else likes but the end is always near at the point a death grip has been established. When it turns from a grab to a grip the spoils begin to stack up and smell. It's like way back in the day when the nation of Israel was making laps in the desert and God provided manna for them each day.  It was fresh for that day only. If you tried to keep some of it for the next day you would wake up to rotting manna which I understand was rather unpleasant. This is kind of what happens when the grip takes over. Things start spoiling and smelling, it gets foul real quick.  And innocent people get tangled up and have to feel the brunt of the consequences along with the power hungry jerk. It's no fun.

So what can be done about those who are grabbing and gripping?  Esther and her Uncle Mordecai provide a great example for us to follow; wisely approach those with true authority to plead the case, interact with the power monger in a "wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove" manner, and remain humble yourself so you don't turn into the next power hungry jerk.  See, we all have the capability to be one - some of us the tendency is a bit more obvious, but others of us fall into it without even realizing it, until it is too late that is.

I've been thinking about this recently because I happen to be watching it happen in that slow motion, feeling helpless to stop it with someone. It's painful, more so for the innocent people who are being run over by the power monger but also for that person because they don't know the damage they are causing...yet. When Haman figured out the damage he had caused it was too late, that's true of every situation where grabbing and gripping happens. The perpetrator can't recover from it in time to save the damage done.  It's so painful.  My heart literally aches and hurts watching people get run over, arrogance stinking up the hallways, damage happening in ways we can't even see yet but will in time. Simply put, it's not okay.

So if you are the grabber watch out because you are going to be gripping soon and that marks an end. Get help now, before it is too late. (Nope, not just being dramatic here.) If you are an innocent bystander watching grabbing and gripping happening in slow motion and feeling helpless then take heart. Gather your courage and go appeal to others, sometimes the accident is avoided. We can work together to avoid the predictable outcome of power grabbing and death gripping.  Together we can take the power back, if necessary, and put it in its place where it belongs.

Simply put, don't be a grabber and a gripper.  It is so unattractive!

Here's some resources I found to be very helpful:
12 Signs of Power Hungry Pastors (But really it's not just signs for Pastors, these are signs for anyone who is power hungry - this article is spot on.)
How to Manage Power-Mongering Co-Workers (excellent article, spot on)
Power in the right and wrong hands (well thought out article)
Are you power hungry?  (We need to be honest with ourselves)
Why Power Hungry Bosses Are Weaker Than You Think (and than they think too!)

3:12:72 (A Friendship Formula)

Over the past decade or so I've been trying to live out my friendships according to a formula that was modeled for me, and you, many years ago.  I call it 3:12:72.  It's a formula that helps me keep relationships and people in proper perspective.

3:12:72 was first modeled for me, and you, waaaaaaay back in the day of Jesus. Yep, I had to bring him into this.  But I want, and need, to give credit where credit is due so he's part of this.  Jesus had his three, his twelve, and then his seventy-two.  The 72 might be a few more or a few less, no biggie. I don't want to get tangled up in details that don't actually matter. *grin*

The 72 came and went and most likely included people who were part of the parables Jesus used to teach others.  These were people who liked Jesus, they were intrigued and moved by his teachings, they felt a pull toward his radical ideas.  But they were also people who had families and businesses and communities that thought they might be a wee bit strange.  So these people came and went. Sometimes they traveled with Jesus for a few days, maybe even a week, but then the pull of life took them back to their homes.  I do think that each time they were pulled toward Jesus and then pushed back home they took Jesus and his radical ideas back into their communities where discussions and ponderings continued about this man tromping around saying and doing some pretty crazy things.

The twelve: Peter, James (son of Zebedee), John, Andrew, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, Matthew, James, Simon the Zealot, Thaddaeus-Judas, Judas Iscariot.  Out of the *72* the twelve were picked by Jesus.  He specifically called them by name and they went. They were compelled in a deeper way than the group they came out of to trust this crazy guy just a bit more. Their families understood, their businesses kept running from the help of others, their communities maybe even were a little impressed that they were called by the crazy, yet super cool, dude stirring up the pot with the Pharisees.  They thought a little more about the things they were hearing and seeing. They asked questions and wrestled while traveling with this man.  They weren't willing to go back to what life had been without Jesus in it.

And then there were the three: Peter, James (son of Zebedee), and John. The three who were also part of the 12.  Yes, Jesus was God but Jesus was also man.  And as all wo/men know, we click with some more than we click with others. And it's okay, it really is.  So these three Jesus clicked with a little more and in different ways than the other 9.  And it really was okay. These three got *it*.  They had a potential in them that Jesus knew he could trust. They might have done or said stupid things from time to time but they got Jesus. Peter, I always feel the closest to him, summed up this deeper devotion to Jesus well when this conversation happened:
When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”
“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”
Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”
And then this conversation later on:
On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”
Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit[a] and life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Jesus had his three, his twelve, and his *seventy-two*. How he interacted with the people who fell into those groups serves as a model for us and our relationships today. There were appropriate levels of intimacy, interaction, and expectations as he spent time with a "3", a "12", or a "72".

Interacting with a "72" meant that expectations were lower because of things like uncertainty about this guy and all of his radical ideas, or because they didn't spend the kind of 24/7 time with Jesus to see him in all kinds of circumstances, or because there was a trust between them and him that only reached so far.  And that was okay. It meant Jesus reserved the harder teachings for the 12, it meant that he wasn't going to reveal the Kingdom of God in its total reality to others outside of the 12, and he wasn't going to call the 72 by name and ask them to drop their nets and follow him on land.  It was all okay.  Each "72" he interacted with never felt slighted or like Jesus reserved himself from them. He still made the interaction personal, warm, unique but with boundaries.  And boundaries are okay.

We got to see the interactions with the twelve.  We have been able to witness how Jesus opened himself up to them and shared deep and hard things with love. He led them, he loved them, he did what he could to draw out their potential, he placed trust in them when others questioned it, he broke bread with them, he walked with them, he lived out a fulfillment of the Law for them.  And yet, even with these precious men he drew boundaries. He would go off to pray, sometimes none were invited and other times only three were invited. With the nine he gave important tasks and spoke about important things but sometimes the three got a little more.  He didn't have expectations of complete loyalty to him from the 12.  He knew, without them knowing at times, that some would struggle and did struggle with him and what he was saying and doing.  And yet he loved them and lived life with them and kept his expectations of them realistic with the help of boundaries. And boundaries are okay.

Then there were three. These three got to witness some pretty spectacular things with Jesus. They got invited on special hikes, sacred garden spots, and tasked with being proxy children. They weren't perfect but Jesus knew he could trust them 100%, he knew stuff about them they didn't know about themselves. He built his kingdom on them. He told them far more than he told anyone else because he knew they would keep it to themselves until the time was right. They might have messed up from time to time but he knew they loved him. His expectations of them were a bit higher because he knew they would live up to them even if they didn't know it yet.  He could look at any of the three and they could understand what he wasn't saying. The other nine couldn't read him that well.  It's okay, Jesus didn't want or need everyone to read him that well. And even with these three he had boundaries but they were different and less reserved.  And boundaries are okay.

*You* are a pretty smart person, I'm guessing *you* have figured out the model by now.  Our relationships fall into the 3:12:72 and we are someone's 3, 12, or 72.

In my relationships with people they always start off as a "72".  Some stay there and others move closer to the 12 kind of relationship.  Very few are in my 3 zone. And that's how it should be. The 3 zone shouldn't be crowded.  A three in my life is someone who has loved me despite me. Who has lived through my ugly and painful times with me and still I have somehow managed to keep them as a friend.  As the book of Ecclesiastes points out, there is a season for everything. And that extends to even the 3:12:72 formula.  Some people in my life have gone from being a 3 to bypassing 72 never to be seen or heard from again. You know what?  That's okay. It's okay that there are seasons of relationship and that every now and then people in my life shift and I have to readjust expectations and interactions.  I have to do it with people and they have to do it with me.  Sometimes we are aware and other times it happens without awareness.  The older I get the more I understand that it's okay. It's okay to be in and out of season with people, it's okay to have boundaries and stick to them, it's okay to reevaluate someone and adjust accordingly.  It's really okay, and actually it's really the most healthy.

I didn't realize at first that I was modeling this formula for relationships, it just happened.  But once I realized what I was doing and why, I understood the relief I had been feeling. I understood why it had become easier for me to be in relationship with more difficult people.  I was able to approach people and even situations with a clear perspective on expectations of that person and myself in regard to that person because of who they were in my life; a "72" I don't expect a whole lot from, I keep that relationship to the basics with maybe a more personal tidbit thrown in here or there. But I always attempt to interact with that person in a way that doesn't make them feel like they are "just a 72."  A "12" I still attempt to keep fairly low expectations of but I have noticed that I can trust them with the personal parts of me a bit more. So I share a little more deeply.  And a "3"?  Well they know the good, the bad, the ugly and still seem to like me!  It always awes me a bit.  I'm one of the most unlikeable people I know. But my three's seem to be blinded to that. I am grateful.  Everyone needs some three's.  Everyone needs some of all the 3:12:72 because I have experienced that having some of all provides us with balance and perspective. And we all could use a little more of that, couldn't we?

The Last Word

It's been a year, so far, of lessons in "the last word." I believe we all have the desire to have the last word in a matter that offends who we think we are or a belief we hold. Some of us give in to the desire and others of us step back from it. Have you stepped back from having the last word? It's hard isn't it? Somehow the lie has been planted that if we don't have the last word then we have lost the debate and the other person has won. Was this lie planted because of the insecurity of the flesh? Or because of the competitive nature of humans? Well regardless, the need to have the last word creates ugly behavior, hurtful words, and resentful hearts.

In the spring I got into a rather heated argument with someone. It takes a lot for me to yell at someone and I yelled. I did, however, stop short of saying things I would regret for days, weeks, and months to come.  But I did yell at someone. That wasn't okay and I did apologize for it later without using the "however" that I really wanted to.  After we resolved the disagreement as much as we could I got an email from this person.  I call this email "the last word." They couldn't handle not getting in the last word. So I let them. I read the email and the attachment of last words in bolded red and took a deep breath and then dragged it into a folder and went about my day. I gave the person the satisfaction of having the last word because it clearly was very important to them and their ego (other people were copied on the email as well so that it could be noted that this person was important and putting me in my place).  There are two main reasons I let the last word be theirs and not mine. One reason because I didn't want to give this person any more power or sway over my emotions and state of mind. They had already pushed me to yell, that was enough.  Secondly I felt like my silence might speak louder, eventually, than anything else I could say (and believe me, there was plenty more I could have said). I wasn't insecure, uncertain, or regretful of anything I had said and the views I was offering. I was confident that I had valid points that were worth considering.  Thema Davis said, "Have the maturity to know that sometimes silence is more powerful than having the last word." Having the last word usually ends up making us look weak, insecure, immature, and slightly ridiculous. Believe me, the bolded red statements said a lot about this person and their ego/pride. I'm pretty sure my silence said something about mine as well.

Then another opportunity to practice this lesson popped up rather unexpectedly. A disagreement from a few years ago resurrected, but only very briefly. I was asked a question. I gave a careful reply. The response was a warm-up to the last word. I replied only to the things I believed necessitated a response and ignored other parts all together. The response back was "the last word." It was saturated in toxic emotional waste. It smelled of pride. Self-righteousness was the soundtrack. I did respond back with a brief statement that clearly we disagreed and that was okay and I would no longer be in communication about the topic. So did I have the last word or did the other person? They had the last word because their communication was typical of the motives and intents behind last word conversations. Out of respect I choose not to address, again, any of the issues or answer any questions or concede and politely end the interaction. Again, I was confident in my observations and opinions - I felt no need to attempt to justify them or to defend them.  That confidence meant I was empowered to step back from the last word temptation and I didn't get caught up in an emotional tangle. Word choices and examples from the other person indicated that they were tripped up in an emotional tangle that included insecurity.

I've been tripped up in the last word before and I never feel good about it afterward. Having the last word never gives me any satisfaction, the sense of victory, or empowerment. In fact having the last word usually means that I spend the next few days stewing and thinking of more last words to say and different rebuttals for imaginary arguments. So really, having the last word drives me a little bit insane. But when I step back from having the last word then I step into freedom. I don't dwell on the conflict, I don't give much thought at all to the situation. In short, I move on.


Are you one who needs to have the last word? Have you ever considered why that is? 
Are one who steps back from the temptation to get in the last word? What are your reasons why you don't and won't engage?

The Speech of Fools

Jun 2nd, 9:38pm
I am not happy to be woke up to be asked for money by your radio station. So what if the law says you can. You lost a loyal listener.

Jun 9th, 3:38pm
We apologize for any inconvenience you experienced recently regarding our radio station. We do our best to be mindful of time zones and times of day that is acceptable for phone calls. We won't always be perfect with the call times so we are very sorry that you were awoken by our call, we wouldn't have liked it nor appreciated it either. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience. Sincerely, Radio Station

Jun 9th, 3:41pm
No worries. Sad that you have to make phone calls for money.

Jun 9th, 4:18pm
In part asking for money is part of our station mission because we desire listener support and to have flexibility that being owned by a corporation wouldn't allow. The cost of running a radio station in any one area, not to mention in several areas as this radio station is, requires that we invite people (and businesses) to invest in the station itself. If we were a corporation run radio station and owned by a conglomerate then we would have a lot more funds available to us to air the station but we wouldn't have the freedoms we have with content, etc. We made the decision years ago, by being a listener supported station, that the pros outweighed the cons for our particular goals and mission. This means that we do pledge drives and we make follow up phone calls to previous and current listeners asking if they would like to be an impact partner to keep this radio station in their local communities. It is our hope that you will understand the position we are in as we try to reach people with God in this particular format. Sincerely, Radio Station

Jun 9th, 5:02pm
Budget better and don't call people. Extend your pledge drive.

Jun 10th, 6:08am
Thank you for your suggestions.

Yep. That's an actual conversation I had with someone not too long ago. I didn't make a word of it up, it's all verbatim. I was fine until the highlighted response. Really? I mean, gee we hadn't thought about a budget. Huh, we'll have to give that a go. *scratches head*

Unbelievable. We all can be unbelievably ridiculous when we presume to be an expert on something we know nothing about or when we think the answer is so black and white. Unbelievable.

The conversation I had with the listener above reminded me to quit being unbelievably ridiculous. Don't speak into something that isn't black and white, that I don't know anything about, that I haven't taken the time to look into and get the facts. When I open my mouth and speak about things that I actually know nothing about all I end up doing is alienating people and looking like a fool.

There are proverbs that speak about fools and their speech. I wince when I read a proverb about how a fool talks and realize I have been a fool from time to time. Proverbs 18:2 says, "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions." OUCH. I don't know about *you* but that stings a bit. In my conversation the disgruntled listener I gave some fairly clear understanding in my explanation of why we choose to ask for money. Their response proved that they didn't care about understanding, just in doling out their version of advice. That listener, in that conversation, was the fool.

Customer Service always provides a lot of great examples for foolish people and interactions.  A few months ago I was engaged in another conversation with a disgruntled listener and this proverb came to life, "Don’t answer fools when they speak foolishly, or you will be just like them.  Answer fools when they speak foolishly, or they will think they are really wise." (Proverbs 26:4-5)  Wait. What? It says don't answer them or you look like a fool but then it says if you don't answer them they think they have won the "argument."  Well, which is it?  It turns out it is both! Some situations we should apply the first idea and in other situations we should apply the second. The offended listener that helped me navigate this particular proverb took us through both scenarios. The complaint came in so I, in the spirit of the second way to answer a fool, sent a reply back. The person was very unhappy with my crafted response so they responded back (see Proverbs 18:2 above for an idea of their response) and I was then compelled to respond according to scenario number 1 which is to not respond at all.  This made them extra mad because by this point it was clear I was supposed to take their side and change our entire programming just to please them and their opinions of which they didn't want to take a deeper look at to examine for change.  So I answered for understanding and then I didn't answer because there didn't need to be two fools attempting to converse.

I realize both of these examples don't seem to put me in the fool category but believe me, I've been the fool plenty of times in my 41 years of life. We all have had moments of playing the fool and being the wise. The key to being mature about it is when we can recognize our foolishness and 'fess up to it before too many other people notice it, are alienated by it, or have to deal with us because of it.  Confucius said, "To know that one knows what one knows, and to know that one doesn't know what one doesn't know, there lies true wisdom." The older I get the more aware of what it is I don't know, so shouldn't speak about, and what I do know, and should only speak about when invited or strongly compelled by the Holy Spirit.

I'm grateful for these recent interactions that have caused me to examine myself to make sure I'm not behaving and speaking like a fool. It doesn't mean I don't ever play the fool but I'm becoming more and more aware of when I'm headed in that direction.  And I'd rather keep that information to myself than let it be known to others. *grin*
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." (This wise quote is attributed to many people. Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain being two of them.)

Same Place, Different Angle

Have you ever stood, whether it is literally or figuratively, in the same place as someone and yet when you compared what you saw it was very different things?  Perhaps you each noticed different people or different tones of voice. Perhaps each of you picked up different verbal and non-verbal signals or nuances.  Maybe the same place you are standing has more than one problem, issue, or topic to focus on and each of you have been drawn to different ones.  Have you ever stood in that same place with someone and been amazed, or maybe frustrated, that what is being experienced isn't the same but in fact very different?

In a much simpler vein have you ever stood in the same exact place as someone and you both snapped a picture and when you looked at them you had both captured different perspectives of the same exact scene? My first trip to NYC we went to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. Walking around the island that is home to Lady Liberty my brother and I both spied a great shot for a picture. Without discussing it or perhaps even realizing we had both seen the exact same shot we stopped and each of us took a picture. We even crouched in a similar manner to get in the shot what we both had seen.  Our pictures came out the same but yet very different. He was somehow able to capture things about the shot that I didn't see or pick up on.

Take a look at the following pictures. They are of the same exact places but taken from different perspectives.  Meet me below after you look through the pictures. *wink*

Central Park, New York City

The Forbidden City, Beijing China

Hollywood Sign, California

Las Vegas Strip, Nevada

Little Mermaid, Copenhagen Denmark

Mona Lisa, The Louvre

Mont St. Michel, France

Mount Rushmore, South Dakota

Niagara Falls, New York/Canada

Pyramids of Giza, Egypt

Rock of Gibraltar, Iberian Peninsula

Sagrada Familia, Barcelona Spain

Santorini, Greece

St Basil's Cathedral, Moscow Russia

Stonehenge, United Kingdom

The Acropolis, Athens Greece

The Alamo, Texas

The Arc de Triomphe, Paris

The Brandenburg Gate, Berlin Germany

The Great Wall of China ends abruptly as soon as it reaches the ocean

The Pantheon of Rome, Italy

The Taj Mahal, India

I am fascinated by the above perspective pictures. Neither picture invalidates what is being looked at, it just provides a different angle, a different view, a different perspective on that (in the case of these pictures) landmark/historical marker.

This happens all the time in life and it is an opportunity for collaboration or conflict. I can't keep track of the number of times someone else and I have stood in the same place on an issue or something but we have had very different views of how to execute it or approach it or settle it. Does that mean that one of us doesn't have valid ideas, thoughts, etc? No, it just means that we are coming at it differently and for some reason, in our culture, if we do that then we must be at odds and gather people on sides and make some noise. Why? Why is that "a thing"? Why can't we agree to agree and agree to disagree and honor the other person's intentions and motivations as they have been expressed sincerely, passionately, and with a desire for improvement?  Why are we threatened when someone expresses a different perspective than we hold?  Expression is different than demanding by the way. When someone demands of me to hold their opinion, perspective, or ideology then I shut down, dig in my heels, and refuse to budge.  The same happens if I demand someone hold my opinions. Expressing and demanding are two very different approaches to differing thoughts.

Sometimes I have to take a step back to gain a clearer view. And sometimes I have to take a step forward to see something closer. There are times I need to stretch on to my tippy toes for a look and other times I have to crouch way down.  Distance and position determine the view I have and in order to have the most complete perspective I can, it's beneficial for me to do all I can to see it from every angle possible. The more angles I view something from, the more complete the picture is for me. That benefits me and those I interact with. Sometimes our pristine or sterile view of something needs to get a little filthy with a touch of reality.  If we have a messy perspective on something it could use a little shot of sterility. Both are okay because both remind us that there is a bigger story than what we know.

Next time you find yourself looking at someone or something and you are shoulder to shoulder with someone who is looking at the same thing but expressing a different perspective, try this; switch places.  Clear your mind, blink your eyes, do your best to remove what keeps you from seeing the fuller picture and look with new eyes, open mind, softened heart.

What do you see now?

*Perspective Photos found at this site. 

*The God Card*

The organization I work for sends out free Bibles to our listeners at their request. We average about 300 a month and we have a partnership with a publishing company that provides us the Bibles to send out. Every month my boss and I get the report of how many Bibles were sent the month prior and the report includes any comments the listener includes. Usually it is the reason why they are requesting the free copy and I try to skim through the comments every month to be reminded of the larger picture. Sometimes I get so tangled up in the minutia of the business that I forget what's really going on "out there" and not behind the scenes.  I don't think this is uncommon. I've only ever worked for ministries and if anyone is going to survive working for a ministry they have to be mindful about the larger picture and they have to actively pursue keeping it in front of them.  Newsflash: Christian based organizations have the same office politics, scrambling for position/title, etc that secular businesses have. But in some ways it is worse in Christian organizations. Wondering why?  It's simple. Because of *The God Card*.

In case you aren't familiar with this particular method of blame shifting and manipulating let me briefly explain. You do or say something and get reprimanded for it. To avoid accepting personal responsibility or to make it seem as if what you did or said was God ordained you pull, i.e. use, *The God Card.* As in, "Well I prayed about it and God gave me the go-ahead, " or "God led me to a scripture that seemed to be clear indication..." or, my personal favorite, "Are you telling me that I don't hear from God?  Are you the only one who hears from God?" And then the conversation is shut down because nobody is willing to argue against *The God Card*.

Back to the Bibles.  In June we had a company meeting.  Okay fine, it was actually a Disco themed surprise party for the bulk of employees.  It was a first and it was amazingly successful.  It coincided with a new shipment of Bibles that had come in and my boss thought we should lay as many hands as possible on a stack of Bibles at this party-meeting and pray over them.  So we did.

Now to be fair to God we didn't tell him what to do with the Bibles or the preferred method he used along with us to get the Bibles to people.  And even if we had given him our suggestions for how the Bibles would be be distributed and used he wouldn't have listened anyway. He had a plan long before we had the idea to even pray over them.  So we prayed and asked him to send out his word through us. 

Fast forward about two months to August. Through some stumbling it is discovered that some bot in cyber space grabbed on to our Bibles url which has the word "free" in it and put it on least 6 websites that offer samples and free products to anyone. Hey everyone loves a free thing right?  Clearly. Not only did our url land on the sites for people to request a free bible, it put it on the home page under "top deals." 

The good news?  There are a lot of people out there who would like to read and study the word of God to get their curiosities satisfied or to get their questions answered or to discover who this God guy is. 

The "bad" news?  We don't have the number of Bibles we initially thought had been requested, nor do we have the means to do shipping fulfillment. 

Houston, erm I mean God, we've got a problem. In 7 days we had about 13,000 requests at the rate of about 200 per hour! It's the coolest *problem* I've heard about in a very long time.  The response to the *problem* was split.  Some of us were super excited, some of us not so much. We all, however, love God's word but sometimes the logistics can get in the way of the excitement. There was a lot of talking and brainstorming. A LOT. I was praying a lot. A LOT. This, I knew, was an opportunity and I wasn't sure how I would respond if we dismissed it because of logistics that can be worked out. 

Eventually I was in my boss' office discussing this *problem* and I reminded him, because God reminded me, about praying over those stacks of Bibles in June. His first response to me was, "That's guilt!" If you know me then you can imagine what my response back was. *grin* We also like to accuse people of using *The God Card* when we want our way to happen or we want to put people in a position of guilt so they will do what we want them to. But I wasn't using *The God Card*, God had actually used it on me! God pulled his own card when he reminded me that we prayed over those Bibles and left it up to him to distribute however he wanted.  

The only one who can pull *The God Card* and get away with it is God himself. When he uses it then we can be assured it's a legit response to something we have said or done. He doesn't use it like we do, to blame shift or manipulate.  He uses it because he knows the ins and outs of everything and sometimes we need the reminder that he does know. When God himself uses *The God Card* things get done and people listen, when we try to use *The God Card* people get annoyed and won't usually cooperate with such shenanigans.  

Yes, shenanigans. Trying to pull *The God Card* on others is folly.  I can spot the use of it a mile away and I won't give in to it. If you know me well enough you know that I rarely invoke God's name into something unless I am 100% that it is biblical and God ordained.  I don't believe in *The God Card*, it gets abused and tossed about in attempts to justify bad behavior so I refuse to use *The God Card* myself, I won't do it. But when God uses his own card with me then I perk up and I listen and respond as necessary. 

Oh, the Bibles? Well we did a lot of sorting of lists and discovered a lot of duplicates. So we eliminated duplicates and whittled the list down. Then we took another look at the list and decided to keep the names that had also given a reason for wanting the free Bible. That has us down to a number we can fulfill with Bibles and we are just going to eat the shipping because it's more important to us to be obedient to God's methods than it is to wiggle our way out of sending out his word due to silly logistics.  *whew*  I'm totally satisfied with the resolution of this *problem*, I believe we are honoring God in it. I'm also jealous because our fulfillment happens in Nashville and they are going to have a "stuffing party" and clearly I can't be in Nashville just for that!  I seem to miss out on a lot of the fun.  Oh well.  

The next time you get the brilliant idea to use *The God Card* to blame shift or manipulate try stopping. Bring that idea to a screeching halt in your mind and instead try accepting responsibility. Quit using God as your cover for bad behavior, wrong thinking, etc. Yes, God is big and can handle it but don't make him handle it.  Be a grown person and handle it yourself.  Own your stuff. Remember, only God can use his own card and "get away with it." When we try we just earn ourselves a whole bunch of disrespect from other people, isolation from authentic relationships, and a neglect of ownership for ourselves.  And when we live from those places we are just living a life full of shenanigans.  At least that's what God says.  *wink*

Pathways

I will bring the blind by a way that they did not know;

    I will lead them in paths that they have not known.

I will make darkness light before them

    and crooked things straight.

These things I will do for them

    and not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

Pathways intrigue me.  There are so many different kinds of paths. Straight ones, crooked ones, smooth ones, rocky ones.  Ones clearly marked and ones hidden in plain sight.  Some lead to a destination and some dead end. There are paths that go straight uphill, follow the flat plains, some take you down and then up.  There are wide paths and precariously narrow ones.  I've seen paths covered in the shade of trees and sun soaked paths.   

In 1995 my husband and I went hiking up a path on Mt. Evans.  It was almost completely covered under the shade of trees and it was snow packed and icy.  When we got to a particular place on the trail and he sat me on a large boulder.  With snot running out of my nose and my toes tingling from the snow hike he asked me to marry him.  I told him he must be sick and we needed to get him to a hospital right away.  Oh and then eventually, sitting on that boulder, I said yes. 

In 2001 a group of my MOPS friends and I decided we would do a girls only hike up Pikes Peak.  We spent the summer training and then in August we hiked a variety of paths that led to the tippy top of Pikes Peak.  I live a very sedentary life, I was pretty proud of myself.

In 2006 I was forced on a path of betrayal.  It was one of the toughest paths I've ever had to navigate but at the end of it was a stunning place of restoration.

In 2007 I traveled a flight path from Colorado to Nairobi, Kenya. I had never been overseas and I was certainly "never" going to Africa and yet there I was. Yes, there I was in the midst of the oldest slum in East Africa falling in love with the people of Kenya, having heart surgery, and returning to Colorado a totally new Beth, the one I was originally meant to be.

In 2010 I ran a marked path in Golden, Colorado. I ran with Bon Jovi on my iPod and my lifelong best friend in my heart. I ran the path in memory of her and to raise awareness and money for Pancreatic Cancer Research. Pancreatic cancer stole her from this life way too soon. 

In 2010, 2011, 2013, and 2014 I crawled along a path where the mountaintop was never visible from the depths of the deep and dark valley I was in called depression.  Those paths were strenuous on my heart, my marriage, my friendships, but not on my relationship with God. Those paths gave me a deeper hold on the one who created me and held me.  

I'm not a risk taker by nature. I don't look at a path that I can't see very well and move forward on it anyway. I want a little information; how long is the path, where does it end up, will it be easy or hard to travel, are there others on it and if so who, information like that is what I usually want to know. Sometimes I can get some of the information, most of the time not.  It's the same with the life paths I encounter, I prefer some information.  Sometimes I can get some, most of the time not. God asks me to take the risk and trust him. And so I have to step onto the path and know I am being led and I can trust what I don't know and see to the One who does know and see.

What kinds of paths have you traveled so far in this life you've been given?  

The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

Habakkuk 3:19

  

*Perspectives: judg•men•tal

judgmental
    adjective judg•men•tal \ˌjəj-ˈmen-təl\
: tending to judge people too quickly and critically
: of, relating to, or involving judgment
Full Definition of JUDGMENTAL
1
:  of, relating to, or involving judgment
2
:  characterized by a tendency to judge harshly

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  It's okay to have different ones!

I think we need to have an honest conversation about the criticism, or in so many cases the accusation, of being judgmental.  If you've been following me for awhile you may remember when I discussed the intolerance of so-called tolerant people. This is equal to part two of that discussion. The people who are crying "judgmental" are usually being judgmental themselves. None of us are free from the temptations of passing judgment too quickly or harshly.  None of us. 

I've run into this particular accusation a lot in my life. People assume I am judgmental due to my differing opinions, expression of faith, the way I look, the choices I have made and make, my moral convictions, etc.  I'm willing to bet that you have also experienced the accusations of being judgmental for similar reasons.  Like I said, none of us are free from passing judgment on others. 

I am particularly bothered with the accusation for many of the same reasons I am bothered by the accusation of being intolerant. Just because we have differing opinions or beliefs about something doesn't mean that either one of us are intolerant or, for the purpose of this post, judgmental.  Now. The caveat is perhaps one or both of us are in fact being judgmental but it shouldn't be assumed that we are before proof is presented*.  It's okay for us to have different ideas, experiences, opinions, and beliefs about all kinds of things and it doesn't mean fingers are being pointed and derision is the adopted attitude.  Quit assuming the worst about me, the majority of the time you will find my motives and heart are sincere and I am in no way interested in passing judgment on people different than me.  In fact, I welcome people different than me.  I welcome the challenge and growth the differences between us provide. I'm not assuming the worst of you and if you think I am then ask me, challenge me, call me out on it. 

The prompt for this discussion came from hearing that someone I love believes that another person, whom I also love, is judgmental.  My heart is pierced.  The only reason for this accusation of judgment is based on differing experiences and moral convictions. The accusation comes from a place of protection as well.  I get that, we all feel protective of family and friends but we shouldn't allow it to prompt accusations of judgment toward another.

"In our culture today there are two thoughts that simply aren't true. Firstly, if we disagree with the lifestyle of someone then that means we hate them and maybe are even afraid of them. Secondly, if we love them then we have to accept everything they do and believe in. These are total nonsense! By disagreeing with them we are not hating them or being afraid of them. And we do not have to compromise our beliefs in order to show them love and compassion. Disagreeing with someone is not hating or being afraid or judging them." (Rick Warren)

The two people that I love had a conversation one day. One explained to the other a relationship dynamic that the other had never experienced personally. The one who hadn't had that relationship dynamic accepted the explanation, thought it was sad that anyone would experience it, and moved on from it loving and accepting things and people as they are. You might say the explanation helped that person come into understanding and they learned yet another facet of relationships.  The one who gave the explanation for the dynamic must have held on to the protective and defensive feelings for it was months later in which the accusation of the other being judgmental was verbalized. It's why my heart is pierced.  One had moved on, but for some reason the other had not. I'm still puzzled as to why. Why is this person I love so much choosing to make and believe this false accusation? It was never true in the first place and to make the accusation is so hurtful to me, not to mention the person it is directed at.

“It's okay to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by other people. That doesn't give you the right to deny any sense they might make. Nor does it give you a right to accuse someone of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don't like what they are saying. Learn to recognize good writing [common sense, truth, necessity] when you read [hear] it, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what is comfortable.” (Ashly Lorenzana)  

Sometimes I think we cry "judgmental" toward someone else because we recognize a truth they spoke or a strand of unhealthy thinking in ourselves that needs to be addressed. Sometimes I think we use it as an adjective for someone because we feel uncomfortable by their differing ideas, beliefs, opinions, etc. Sometimes when someone has made a fair judgment we label them judgmental because we are jealous that they can draw a boundary that we feel unable to. Being a non-judgmental person means we allow ourselves to be uncomfortable with differences, that we love beyond differences, that we admit when something different makes more sense or is more healthy emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Being a non-judgmental person means we value humility more than pride.

There's more to this conversation, such as is there a difference between making judgments and being judgmental? I briefly mentioned this earlier. Or what is the distinction between being judgmental and practicing discriminative thinking? Isn't discriminative thinking judgmental behavior? For those conversations others have unpacked it better than I could. Take a few more minutes and educate yourself on the rest of the conversation, I did and was glad for the additional knowledge. Here are two articles, rather short on length but deep with insight, that I found helpful regarding this topic:
Eight dynamics to consider in making constructive judgments
The big difference between "discriminative thinking" and "being judgmental"

I suppose my point is this: Don't label me judgmental when you see my cross necklace or my Christian fish* and I won't label you judgmental when I see your rainbow flag or political donkey*.

Is it a deal?



*For example, Westboro Baptist Church is comprised of many individuals who have all individually provided more than enough proof of their judgmental spirits. But don't make the mistake of including me or any other Christian you may know in that group. Let me prove to you if I am judgmental or not. Don't fall into the trap of allowing a group to represent an individual when it comes to opinions, beliefs, etc. I'm extending the same courtesy to you. 

*These are just examples but they are some of the most common symbols we use as "proof" when we are accusing someone of being judgmental.