There's this later episode of Friends in which Chandler and Monica are getting married. (#sorrynotsorry for that spoiler alert - what do you mean you haven't watched Friends yet?!) Chandler has disappeared due to cold feet and Ross is trying to find him. When Ross finally finds Chandler he talks him off the ledge by getting him to do just one thing at a time with no thought for what comes after. He gets him to take a shower while not thinking about what comes later. Then he gets him to put clothes on while not thinking about what comes later. And so it goes until Chandler finds himself watching Monica walk down the aisle to meet and marry him. By then he's calmed down because he faced his fear one small step at a time, not all at once.
The other day I heard Ross tell me to just get out of bed, nothing more. See, I didn't want to. I physically was able but mentally and emotionally I was stuck in bed, unable to face the day. I thought about that episode and Ross encouraging Chandler to take those small steps so I got out of bed. I had an appointment that day and I felt very unwilling to go. I wanted to pick up the phone and cancel. But Ross told me to take a shower while not thinking about what comes later. And then he told me to put on clothes because I couldn't go around naked. So I did. And so it went until I found myself in the parking lot where the appointment was.
Call it coincidence, call it whatever you want but in my appointment - the one I was able to get to with the help of Ross - my doctor told me to take small steps and keep my eyes on the task in front of me, not the door I needed to walk out of an hour from then. Basically, she was telling me what Ross had just that morning.
This inability to even get out of bed isn't fear based for me, it's my continuing struggle with depression. It's when my eyes open for the first time each morning and my first thought is, "I.can't. I.just.can't." But then nature prompts me to get up. Literally. So I'm up, what now? Ross, and my doctor and my therapist (oh I didn't mention she also chimed in on this?), suggests I stay up and brush my teeth or shower, something that keeps me up for just a few more minutes. Those few minutes tumble on each other like a domino train that has been started and before I know it I am in my car and adulting. And the depression doesn't win that time because as I take each step and progress toward adulting for the day I discover that maybe, just maybe, I can. I can interact with people. I can stay out of my bed. For me the saying, "Keep my eye on the prize" means each small step I take every day is a prize. My depression paralyzes me because I try to look at the whole day all at once, Ross tells me to do the next thing while not thinking about what comes later.
There's another episode of Friends where Phoebe thinks a cat is her mom reincarnated. But the friends find the cat's real owner and Ross is the only one saying Phoebe has to be told. The friends reluctantly agree and Rachel exclaims, "I hate it when Ross is right!" I imagine depression must say the same thing when I choose to listen to Ross over it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go - Ross just told me it's time to take another step toward winning over depression today.
One of the reasons I was fired was because I was perceived to be a pot-stirrer. You've heard about those kinds of people before right? They are divisive, toxic, trouble makers, unhappy - and they make the people and organizations they are in and around unhealthy.
Or do they?
Certainly there are pot-stirrers that are divisive, toxic, trouble makers, and without a doubt unhappy. But not all pot-stirrers are. In fact, the kind of pot-stirrers I'm talking about and was accused of being are a necessary component to the health of an organization and personal growth. So let's talk about that.
Before I got fired and during the time that the weak leadership at my organization was "building their case" against me I found myself stirring a pot one evening as I was assembling dinner. The directions on the recipe I was following said, "Stir constantly to avoid burning." Good advice. If I didn't get the ingredients moving around they were going to stick to the bottom of the pot, char, and become inedible. I had to keep stirring the pot to keep things moving along and so that all the ingredients could blend together to make the dish I wanted.
One could say, "Beth. C'mon. Stirring the pot for cooking and being a pot-stirrer in life are two very different things."
But are they?
When people and organizations don't allow themselves to be stirred, complacency happens. And complacency in life is strikingly similar to allowing ingredients to settle at the bottom of a pot, char, and become stuck there - not very palatable. People and organizations who are complacent are not relevant to very many. And being irrelevant is equal to being inedible.
When I stir the pot of ingredients I am ensuring that all the ingredients combine together and nothing is left out of the mix. I've made the mistake before of not stirring like the recipe instructs and have found, sitting in the bottom of the pan, one of the ingredients mostly intact and not incorporated. And you can taste the lack of it when eating the dish. Had it been incorporated by the stirring I slacked off on then the dish would have had a lot more flavor and depth.
Now take that idea out of the kitchen and into life.
An organization is made up of many different kinds of people who bring with them many different life experiences, talents, abilities, education, etc. Combine them all together and don't slack off on the stirring. When the pot is stirred they all combine to create a palatable experience. When the pot isn't allowed to be stirred some of those people are going to sink to the bottom and get burned. This charring will affect the whole pot. Oddly enough, it will be the people who didn't get stirred in who get blamed for the ruination of the experience. But it wasn't their job to bring the ingredients together. They asked to be stirred in, they even tried to get themselves stirred in but the person holding the spoon didn't believe in the necessity of variety. So the experience is now bitter for one or several people because they were left to get burned. The experience is flat, just one note that is bland.
Here's the thing about being a pot-stirrer in life; oftentimes the so-called pot-stirrer is unaware they are the pot-stirrer. Why? Because *all* they are is one ingredient, they aren't in charge of stirring. All they are doing is being themselves and living life as they are gifted to. The one holding the spoon is threatened by this because they have to be in charge and who does this person think they are to come in and suggest a different approach, way, mindset, practice? The one holding the spoon is in charge and the people listen to them, period. Except because they refuse to include everyone, the pot is not coming together and that's when toxicity happens.
The burned get labeled as pot-stirrers because they tried to incorporate themselves into the mix and the person holding the spoon doesn't have a tolerance for anything other than themselves. So either all the people need to be like the person holding the spoon or they get labeled as a bad fit. That person - that organization - is missing out on providing their employees and clients with a rich and deep experience because they refuse to incorporate all the people with their different and unique offerings.
Many, many years ago I made a recipe that we loved. But it called for an ingredient that I had 1) never heard of before and 2) dismissed (mostly because of reason #1). But one day I decided to try it. I purchased this spice I had never heard of and stirred it in. HOLY DELICIOUSNESS BATMAN! It took this dish we loved and elevated it to a whole new level of yummy. And I realized we had missing out on the super yummy and settling simply because I was unwilling to stir something in that was unfamiliar to me.
Are you the unfamiliar to a person or organization? Get in there, incorporate! Fingers crossed you have better success at getting mixed in than I did. *wink* I'm cheering for you - I believe what you have to offer can and will take people and organizations to new, amazing levels if they will take a chance and stir you in to the mix.
Are you the person who is holding the spoon and reluctant to stir because you want to be ingredient number one? GET OVER YOURSELF. You are wasting the offerings and talents of people in your life and organization because of your pride. You are missing out, your organization's employees and clients are missing out on a deeper and richer experience because of your silly pride.
A year ago today I was fired. If you know me you are thinking, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? How is that even possible?" Right. It shouldn't have been possible but it was for the organization I was working for. I've been fairly quiet about this organization and my firing the past year.
Until now.
To mark the one year anniversary of being fired from this organization that is led by hypocritical, ungodly, and weak patriarchs I thought I would share a few tips on how you too can be fired.
Tip #1:
Be a woman.
Tip #2:
Be someone who has their own opinions, methods, and beliefs about all manner of things and thinks that there is room at the table to present them for consideration.
Tip #3:
Be someone who takes the organization's mission statement at face value and attempts to practice it.
Tip #4:
Be kind.
Tip #5:
Be concerned about the overall health and well-being of the the employees of the organization which impacts the overall health and well-being of the organization itself.
Tip #6:
Don't bow down and worship at the feet of the insecure leadership.
Tip #7:
Don't enable the women in the organization who are kissing ass and compromising themselves to win favor with the weak patriarchs.
Tip #8:
Don't fawn over and stroke the egos of those who are underqualified to do their jobs.
Tip #9:
Be a woman who doesn't think that the man is always right, has all the answers, and is the best at everything he does.
Tip #10:
Don't pretend like the organization's leadership and Human Resources care about the employees and do what's best for them.
One might think I am being sarcastic with my tips, for this particular organization one would be mistaken. The above tips are literally why I got fired for "not being a cultural fit." I didn't get fired for anything that had to do with my actual job and the work I did - in fact, I was commended after I got fired for the excellent work I did and the way it helped the department I was working in.
I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization for wanting and pursuing health and well-being for the employees and therefore the organization.
I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization for taking at face value the mission statement based on Hebrews 10:24, "Let us encourage one another to love and good deeds." The COO didn't approve of or like how I took that verse to heart and tried to live it out at the workplace. It made him uncomfortable because he felt it was highlighting his deficiencies, his lack of compassion, and his inability to genuinely connect with people. Guess what? It did do that but that wasn't my motivation or even my purpose. He made it all about him when it was never about him.
I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization for being a woman that refused to kiss the feet of the men and stroke their egos.
I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization for not allowing bad behaviors to go unchecked but bringing them forward into the light as necessary and appropriate.
I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization because my boss - a weak man - decided to kiss the ass of someone he doesn't even respect or like. He decided that he was too tired to continue to do right things and stand for right behaviors.
I got fired from this faith-based, non-profit organization because the Director of Human Resources - an insecure woman - would rather live her life suppressed and because I wasn't willing to do the same she fought to get me fired, along with her boss - the jackass COO.
They said I wasn't a "cultural fit." I replied, "You are right, I'm NOT a cultural fit with this organization." Left hanging in the air behind my reply was the reasons I'm not - see above for those reasons. They knew what they were doing. They knew that I was making them uncomfortable and insecure. We humans don't like to be uncomfortable and insecure, we are so f*&%ing prideful about ourselves. So we seek to eliminate people and things that poke at us and cause us to be unsettled. So they eliminated me.
Except "I" won't go away. Life doesn't let off us the hook that easily. Someone else will come into those people's lives, that organization, and poke at them some more. Someone else will come along and continue what I unknowingly started. By being myself I stirred the pot of unease within the hearts of men and women in that place and someone else will come along and continue to stir the pot. Of course I don't know who that person is - I don't know their gender, I don't know when they will come along but someone will.
So if you want to get fired - specifically from a faith-based, non-profit - follow my tips above. If you don't get fired for following my tips above but instead are welcomed and embraced for them then I have two questions:
I was on Pinterest the other day and saw the below list. My attention was caught so I started reading through the list. I've been married for almost 23 years and getting a few new-to-me ideas is never a bad idea. But by the time I got to number 5 my attention was caught for a different reason. I didn't want to overreact so I finished skimming the list before I allowed what caught my attention to bloom into a full "What in the world?"
Do yourself a favor, skim the list yourself and then meet me below. I'd love to know if you noticed the same thing I did.
The title of the list uses the word "spouse." I looked it up to make sure I was clear on the definition of the word "spouse." For the record I was right - it means husband or wife.
Okay so now that I know the definition of spouse is husband or wife, and you do too, read that list again.
Do you see what I see?
One pronoun is prominent and one is not to be found. So is the list for spouses or is the list actually for wives about husbands?
Why is this spouses list for wives only? Why is the only pronoun used male when a spouse is male or female?
Historically women are more consistent in saying "I love you" in numerous and creative ways so this list rubs me the wrong way. In fact, this list is an enabler of the idea out there in culture that women are responsible for relationships.
Then I saw this and about lost my shiz...
Does USPS know that women are out there - deployed - and perhaps their male significant other should send them a care package? The ad literally says "wives" and totally disregards the fact that many wives are deployed while the husbands are at home with the children.
Now this one gets what spouse means, note the use of both pronouns - her and him. I'd also like to point out the ones that don't use a pronoun which means either him or her can do it!
This is the year 2018 - are "we" still so ignorant about what spouse actually means? And are "we" still so blind to the equality a relationship requires - each person contributing to the health and well-being of the partnership. Yes, partnership. And yes, each person in the relationship flirting, washing the other's car, sending a care package across the ocean, driving for the other when they are tired, letting them choose the TV show to watch/restaurant to eat at/candle scent to light, etc. C'mon. We can do better than spouse meaning him. We can do better and we need to do better.
I've written quite a bit on my personal journey with depression. I've shared my thoughts on what it is like to be a person with depression. I've decided perhaps it is time to write some thoughts down for those who aren't depressed but who have someone in their life struggling with depression. Truly there is nothing new under the sun as there are many articles and resources out there about "what not to say to someone with depression" etc. But those articles weren't written by me, someone you *know* personally, and sometimes knowing the person who is saying it makes all the difference.
Do you know someone struggling with depression?
Have you wondered why they go some days without practicing hygiene or why they don't respond to a text or private message you have sent them?
Have you wondered why they seem to have enough time to binge watch Netflix but don't have time to meet you for a drink?
Have you felt like they aren't being truthful about how they are doing when the comments they make on people's Facebook posts seem normal and upbeat but they say they are depressed?
Have you sent them a message, you have seen they read it but didn't respond and thought they were just being rude or blowing you off?
If any of those questions resonated with you or you have asked similar ones about someone in your life then you are in a relationship with someone who is most likely struggling with depression - and they may or may not even know it themselves.
Everything each of us does takes a certain amount of energy. For some people the more interaction they have with people the more energized they become - they are called extroverts because of how they are energized. Other people, like myself, are drained by interaction with people - especially people we don't know at all or well. People who are drained by interaction with others get their energy replenished by spending time alone to recharge - these are introverts. This has nothing to do with depression because regardless of how you get energy you can be gripped by depression, but I bring up energy because it's important to the care & feeding of those with depression.
A person who is depressed has low to zero energy for pretty much anything - even if they normally have high energy when in a healthy emotional state. For example, some days taking a shower requires digging deep into energy reserves. Some days energy is easier to come by but depending on how many people I have to interact with depends on how quickly that energy is used up. On lower energy days I don't even have the ability to respond to texts or private messages on Facebook, and I am definitely not answering the phone if it rings. Those who have never experienced true depression (which is very different than being sad) find it very hard to understand these low-to-no energy levels that keep those who are depressed from being unable to even respond to a text. It takes no real energy to respond to a text right? Wrong. Wrong if you are a depressed person. Any kind of interaction, virtual or in person, takes energy that sometimes we just don't have. When I'm having one of those days and I see texts come through I sigh - deeply. Because I know I just can't. I can't find the energy to try and find the words to respond or try to find the enthusiasm to respond or to answer the question that perhaps is being asked. And it doesn't matter who it is - my parents, my husband, my three's and twelve's, my children, etc - if I don't have the energy I don't have the energy, period. And to try and conjure it makes me even more exhausted. People who don't have depression covering them can work up the energy to do what needs to be done, people with depression can but it comes at a great cost, at least in my life it does.
My most recent experiences with depression came at a time when I didn't have the luxury to stay in bed with the covers over my head like I wanted. I had to get up each day, go to work, interact with co-workers - some of which were triggers for my depression, do my job....basically I had to work up enough energy to get through an 8 hour work day and each night I sat in my recliner, unable to talk to my family or do stuff around the house or socialize with friends. The next day I had to do it all over again. Weekends I never strayed far from my recliner and I holed up trying to fill up my energy reserves for the work week ahead of me. Could people at work tell I was depressed? For the most part, no. I worked it and faked it until I made it each day but it was personally expensive. I had nothing left for family and friends. It was exhausting.
So, how can you participate in the care & feeding of someone in your life who is gripped by depression? Here's a few ideas based on my experiences:
1) Understand they hate this depression and what it does to them more than anyone else does. It's not their choice to be this way in this season or for the entirety of their life.
2) Be patient with them - give them the space they need, they will communicate and interact with you when they are able.
3) Find ways to let them know you are not going anywhere, that when they are ready you are there for them. I have friends who find ways to keep engaged with me but it's no pressure for me - like talking about TV shows, books, and things that are easy to talk about but don't feel like too much effort is involved.
4) Get on Voxer! You can leave each other messages and it's a no pressure way for them to respond back to you when they have some energy. I have friends who pop on to Voxer just to say they are thinking of me and wanted me to hear their voice. When I have the capability I can leave them a message back. It makes us feel connected especially in the times when I am radio silent.
5) Don't assume that because they are commenting on Facebook posts or other social media platforms that they are not struggling with their depression. Social media has become a way for shy people, depressed people, socially awkward people, etc to be social without leaving their comfort zone. They can appear to be extroverted or happy or socially adept but not actually be. Social media is a big mask that we all can use - and probably do use to some extent - to hide behind.
6) When your person engages be grateful for their interaction and engage back! Don't feel all snippy about the lack of interaction they have had with you and everyone else. Just be grateful.
7) Don't take their radio silence personally. Don't make their inability to engage about you, it's not personal.
8) Don't be passive aggressive and make comments or behave in ways that try to induce them to guilt that they aren't behaving the way you want them to. Remember - they hate this about themselves more than anyone else does.
Being in a relationship with someone who is depressed takes patience, a lot of it. In all my seasons, content or depressed, I try to make sure the people in my life know I appreciate them - I appreciate their willingness to be patient with me when I go radio silent, I appreciate their enthusiasm for my ability to be present and engaged when I can be, I appreciate them not pressing me to conjure up energy I don't have, and I appreciate them still calling me friend even when I'm not a very good one. Some people in my life aren't able to have patience with me, we've drifted apart. That's okay, I get it. The ones sticking it out with me are worth more than gold, I know it can be hard to be in a relationship with me.
If you have experience with this, either as the depressed person or as the person who loves someone struggling with depression, what are your tips for the care & feeding of depressed people?
This past summer
my family and I were driving through Germany. We were extremely grateful for
the English speaking GPS that came with the vehicle. She was a bit bossy but
since we were in a foreign country we let her have her way. :) During one trip
we followed her directions precisely. Precisely to a dead end. The road ran
out, literally! Huh. So that's what those signs must have meant a half mile
back...*grin* We turned around and made our way back to the road we knew was
the right one. She told us to stop as soon as we could and turn around. We did,
just once, thinking she had re-routed and was sending us a different way. Nope.
We arrived back at that dead end. Driving down the wrong road, which honestly
was more of a dirt path, we all had the feeling it was wrong but she kept
telling us to keep on so we did. Turns out we were right and she was wrong. She
didn't know what we had discovered, there were signs telling us what she could
not. So we had to take matters into our own hands - in Germany where we
couldn't find English speaking people. So we decided to get back on the main
road and force our GPS to re-route. She didn't like it. She kept telling us to
stop and turn around. We kept telling her no. We were lost and had to find
ourselves, the GPS could either help us out or stay quiet.
A
few years ago I made a job change. I was at a place I loved, a place that I fit
in with, doing work that was fun. I was under-utilized but otherwise it was one
of the best places I had found myself in in a very long time. But I had to make
a change for my family. So I went looking. And something came up, so quickly
and unexpectedly that it felt a little whirlwind-ish. It was, I still believe,
an answer to many people's prayers. I made the move reluctantly but with
determination. On my third day at my new place of employment, my former
workplace called and offered me what I needed for my family. Conundrum. My
internal GPS of this new workplace was telling me I was headed for a dead end
but I had made a commitment. I had given my former workplace some opportunities
and none of them had worked out until now. So even though I had the expectation
of a dead end, I had the hope of a different outcome. I had to, painfully, turn
down my former workplace and stay at the new place. It still hurts my heart to
think about it.
For
a couple of years the hope of a better outcome than I expected at this place of
employment was stronger than the knowledge that this wasn't going to end well.
But then things started to change. Signs started appearing along the road. The
reality of who I was became too much for certain people within the
organization. They liked the idea of me. When interviewed they liked that I
practiced biblical conflict resolution, that I was a lay counselor and so
therefore a safe person to talk to, that I was interested in the morale of a
workplace, and other things. But two years in and they figured out that the
idea of me was also reality and they didn't like the reality. Biblical conflict
resolution is uncomfortable and it made some people very squirmy. Having
someone in the office that was a lay counselor and safe place became a threat
to some of the more insecure people. My ways of encouragement and morale
boosting seemed immature to one and threatened a small handful of others.
For
the last two years of my time at this organization I was called a gossip, I was
named by name to new employees as someone that wasn't trustworthy, I was
isolated from the majority of the office by being a person nobody was allowed
to speak to or be seen with, when conflict came up I became the target of it,
and I was told that I was no longer allowed to do any sort of encouraging or
morale boosting with the employees. One of the org's core values isHebrews 10:24but
I was specifically told that I was not allowed to live that value out in the
office. If you know me then you know already what happened. I got lost. This
org was giving me bad, and wrong, directions and I was headed for a dead end in
the middle of nowhere where nobody else was speaking my language. My gut knew
it, but for several reasons I continued following the directions. There's
always the spark of hope that things will right themselves and turn
around.
A
few years ago I was following Google maps to a destination I had plugged into
the GPS. And I followed Google's directions but all the while with the feeling
that something didn't seem quite right. I was in the right area and even on
some of the right roads but the directions to turn left or right felt wrong. My
gut instinct, even though I didn't know where this place was exactly, was
telling me Google was wrong and I was more right. And when I reached the
destination, according to Google, I was on a dark street in some part of my
city I didn't even know existed. I was definitely not in the right place. My gut
knew it but I followed Google anyway. I was lost and needing to figure out how
to get to a familiar place. I made a call to a friend, "Help! Find
me!"
If you drive around lost for too long you run the risk of
depleting your energy supply. In a vehicle's case that would be fuel. In a
heart's case that would be life. The longer I drove on the road this org had me
on, the weaker I became. I gained A LOT of weight. A LOT. I quit taking care of
myself externally - i.e. I quit wearing any makeup, I quit fixing my hair, I
quit dressing the way I knew I should be for the position I was in.I forgot how to search out sugar to make
lemonade. I forgot how to be and do a lot of things. It was all
there inside me still, but every time I tried to express it I was reprimanded.
I became fearful of people again. ICK. I was losing all the ground I had gained
in the years prior. I hated the way I was feeling. I hated that the people who
had met me during my time at this org didn't know who I really was, they only
knew the version of me that was trying to survive this dead end road I was on.
(They were the ones who made a choice to defy the "suggestion" that
they not interact with me at all.) I made a comment to a newer friend one day
that I hated she didn't really know me. She replied back, "Beth, I see
you. I do." I cried. I didn't see how anyone could see who I really was
with all this toxic sludge covering me up.A three in my lifekept
making observations that I had gone missing, she wasn't wrong. I was missing.
All the life-giving parts of me had been suppressed despite the struggle to
keep them alive. Driving on the roads of this org had sucked the life out of
me. I was depleted, I was MIA in my own life.
But
I had made a promise. My GPS at the organization, in other words - my boss, asked
me to make a promise to stay on the road the org had built and after
discussions with some important people I made the promise, even though I had
put my blinker on and was ready to exit. Conundrum. It felt like the third day
at this new place when the former called and offered me what I wanted and
needed. It was painful to make the promise but it wasn't just about me, I had a
family I needed to consider as well. Making that promise was the exit sign
that I drove right on by. Yet as I drove by it, I knew the dead end was up
ahead and the person acting as my GPS didn’t know the signs were there so he
just told me to keep moving forward. So I kept moving forward, the signs
increasing but the GPS insisting he was leading me the right way. I was hoping
to get back to a main road and go it on my own but the dead end was getting
closer and closer. And then we arrived. I had fulfilled my part of the promise
to the GPS, but the GPS let me down. He didn’t listen to me when I told him
about the signs. The choice to re-route was available. The GPS could have
re-routed but he didn’t. He insisted I keep going along the roads the org had
made. The roads of this organization are cracked, there are deep potholes
littering it, the speed bumps are not rounded but pointed at the top and cars
get hung up there, the repair jobs are very temporary – the decay and the
damage reappearing almost as quickly as the repair attempt happens. These are
not safe roads to travel. And those who do travel them feel the damage quickly.
In the end it’s a very costly trip to take and the only place it ends up is a
dead end.
So here I am, lost and needing to figure out how to get to a
familiar place. I’ve made some calls to some friends, "Help! Find
me!" but just like in Germany this past summer, I’ve got to find myself as
well. I can’t rely on others to get me back to the main road, I’ve got to make
my way there with friends holding the right signs along the way.
I did it. Nobody thought I would. I guess that's fair, maybe I didn't think I would. But I did it. Inked. I put ink on my skin permanently. Not just any ink of course. Ink that means something, ink that when I look at it or when my peripheral catches it I am reminded. On one wrist I inked the Hebrew word shalom, you've listened to my thoughts about shalom before. (For a refresher or if you haven't you can click here.) On the other wrist, the right one, the Hebrew word selah. Say what? Selah.
If you've been around me enough you've heard me say the word. I'll use it to respond to a particularly moving or profound statement/insight. I'll use it when reacting to an event that is touching or special. And it kind of makes people hesitate. "What did she say? Selah? Where have I seen that word before?" Let me help you out. The Book of Psalm. You've seen it if you have read in the Book of Psalm. It shows up right away in Psalm 3 and is frequently used throughout the book. What does it mean? What is its purpose? Why is it used? All three of those answers are fortunately found in one answer, the answer of selah.
Selah* is a mystery word. Its origins are unknown so they have been guessed at and its meaning is unknown so it has been guessed at. As with many words/phrases it is possible it came into being to mean one thing but has evolved into what the modern meaning is for today. And the modern meaning is my focus, my intent, and the very reason why I permanently inked my skin with the characters, jots, and tittles that make up the Hebrew word selah.
The word caught my attention years ago. It's easy to zoom past. It's generally italicized and off to the side in perhaps smaller font. One might dismiss it, move past it with the thought, "Oh that's just some Hebrew thing that doesn't apply to me today, now, at all." One might be wrong. If it's there at least give it some attention to find out its purpose. When you write something you don't include a word for no reason do you? So what's up with this word? In the Amplified Version of the Bible, which is one of my favorite versions because it expounds on the words and gives them depth that our english language doesn't possess, the word selah is expanded to mean this: pause and think on that. In other words, stop for a moment - don't rush past what was just said - reflect on what was just said about God or what God himself just said - how does what was just said apply to your own life - pause for just a moment on what you just read/heard and consider it.
We rush. And if it's something we have heard or read before we rush even quicker through the passage like it's a checklist and we just need to mark it off so we can move on. We are uncomfortable with taking the time we might need, that the passage might need, that the moment might need, to find understanding and reflect. But really, what's our rush? Do we have a deadline? The fact is we don't have any deadlines but our reality has somehow convinced us that we do. So we rush through, missing the jots and tittles of meaning, missing the richness of the word, missing the moment we could have had.
And so I did it. I placed a permanent reminder, on my dominant (and therefore very busy, always rushing) side. A reminder to pause. A reminder to slow down. A reminder to stop rushing when there's no real rush. A reminder to not miss the jots and tittles of moments with people, with events, with God himself. A reminder to consider before I go forward with either action or word.
A reminder, forever, to build my life around selah combined with shalom.
We've been talking about baggage recently. Not the kind of baggage you can see but the kind that is felt. It can be, and it is, felt in everyday interactions with other people or in how a situation is handled and approached. And we have this unspoken, maybe even unacknowledged, expectation for other people to carry our baggage for us. We press them into service as a personal sherpa. And that's not anyone's job in life - to be the personal sherpa for another's emotional baggage.
Galatians 6:2 talks about carrying the burdens of life for one another. And I hate to break it to *you* but carrying doesn't mean what you might want it to mean. It doesn't mean that we enslave another person to carry our stuff. It actually means that we come alongside someone, help them shoulder the burden in ways that help to lighten, heal, and sort it out. It doesn't mean that we assume responsibility for someone's baggage. It does mean that we can help them unpack it.
Packing is a lot different, at least for me, than unpacking. When I pack for a trip I fold things, roll things, consolidate as much as possible. If someone opened my bag to search it they would find a rather organized pack job. But coming home? That's a whole different story. Forget folding, rolling, and even consolidating. I shove it all in, haphazardly, and hope the bag doesn't pop open or get searched. It's a mess. Our baggage, the felt not the seen, is a lot like the coming home packing. We've taken hurts, anger, and other things and shoved them in without paying much attention to them. As a result our baggage is close to bursting.
Have you ever had your luggage explode open on you? What a mess. What an embarrassment (hello undies)! What an inconvenience. Have you ever exploded? It's messy right? It can be embarrassing, if not right away then later on. And it can be very inconvenient depending on who is around when the explosion happens (job loss, relationship loss, etc). Instead of walking around wondering when my baggage is going to explode I prefer unpacking it as quickly as possible. It's true, I could repack it for the trip home in a more organized way - that's always the plan. But usually I get to that moment and I just don't want to think about that item any longer, I just want to pack it away. Cue the haphazard pack job.
Galatians 6:2, between the lines, means helping one another to unpack. That is what carry means in that particular scripture. But unpacking is a little weird right? I mean you've got your dirty undies and your stinky socks. I know I don't want anyone having to see, handle, or deal with those - I don't even want to myself! That's why we usually try to unpack our baggage alone. But sometimes we can't. We just can't. It's too messy, too hard, too hurtful, too much. Sometimes, actually I would argue all of the time, we need help unpacking our "felt" baggage. But it can't be just anyone. It has to be "the right one."
Ecclesiastes talks about seasons in chapter 3. And just like there is a season for everything we experience in life there are also people for different times of our lives. I've had people be the "right one" for certain seasons and then suddenly they no longer are. God knows our needs and he knows what kind of people we need for each season and for each piece of baggage that needs to be unpacked. So the "right person" may be just right for popping open the bag for us. Or maybe they are going to help us sort the mess inside. Or, and this is the biggie, maybe they are going to help us handle the dirty and stinky and get it cleaned up.
And not every piece of baggage we carry is the same. Just like literal baggage comes in a variety of sizes, materials, and functions so does our "felt" baggage. Some of our emotional baggage is small and compact, easily unpacked and forgotten. But some of our emotional baggage is like what I call one piece of baggage I have. I call this suitcase the "Mack Daddy." This piece is HUGE. It was a gift from a dear couple and it weighs - empty - something like 12 pounds. It is massive. And while Mack Daddy is great for packing a lot of stuff, it is cumbersome. It's large (understatement). It can become that piece of luggage that everyone avoids. (Thank goodness for its wheels!) Sometimes our emotional baggage resembles Mack Daddy - cumbersome and the piece that everyone avoids. Sometimes we have a piece of emotional baggage that is so stuffed full it exceeds weight limits (of the heart and mind that is). So as varied as our "felt" baggage is so will be the variety of "right people" in our lives to help us unpack.
And the flip side is true. We will be someone's "right person" to help them unpack and our role won't always be the same - it will depend on the person who needs help unpacking and the size of their baggage. I've participated in all the roles - zipping it open for them, sort the mess out, and even the biggie. I've helped some handle and unpack the dirty and the stinky and get it cleaned up.
Everyone has baggage. Let's love each other enough to refuse to haul it around and offer to help unpack it instead.
I am not *your* baggage claim and *you* are not mine. Listen, we all have our baggage - that's not the point. The point is I have my own to haul and you have yours. Don't make me get yours, I don't have the capacity, and I won't make you pick up mine. I can't be responsible for your baggage just like you can't be for mine. So quit trying to make me pick yours up, assume responsibility for it, and carry it yourself.
I'm adjusted to the way my baggage rolls, the way it feels when I handle it, and the quirks it might possess (wobbly wheels, sticky handle, stubborn zipper, etc). I can get around pretty smoothly with my baggage because I know it. But when someone else pushes their baggage on to me, expecting me to keep the same pace with this additional load that isn't mine, then I slow down. I get clumsy and unsure.
I recognize my baggage right away. It has a distinct marker on it so I don't have to guess at which is mine. But if I'm made to get someone else's baggage then I have to look at each tag as it glides by me on the carousel. It slows everyone down.
There's a reason why airlines ask if you have left your baggage alone at any point in time or if someone you don't know has asked you to carry theirs. Because airlines recognize that sometimes it isn't safe or wise to take on someone else's baggage. If the airlines get that then surely *we* can too.
Lately I've been having some baggage issues. Some of my own baggage got opened and searched and some of my co-workers have been attempting to make me their personal sherpa's and haul their baggage around. Listen, I'm not here to haul your stuff around for you. I'm not here to carry it for you. I'm not here to be your proxy baggage handler. Do you see me foisting my baggage on to *you*? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Galatians 6:2 tells us to carry one another's burdens. That doesn't mean what *you* might want it to mean. A few years ago I was taking a big trip. I had never taken this kind of trip before and I was at a loss as to how to pack for it. One of my three's came over one day and packed me up. I helped some but she took the lead and showed me the way. She helped to carry my burden of baggage for a season but she didn't assume responsibility for it nor did she come along on my trip and act as my personal sherpa. I had to take care of my own baggage, I alone was responsible for it. She helped me to carry it, sort it out, and lighten up but she couldn't, and didn't, take it on as her own. That's the living out of Galatians 1:2. God doesn't mean for us to haul other's burdens - that's not what "carry" means in this case. He means for us to walk alongside, shoulder some of it in ways that help lighten, heal, and sort it out. If someone else carries my baggage for me I'm not going to learn what it is like to carry my own and sort it out for myself. We each have to learn how to handle our own baggage and not attempt to transfer ownership to someone else.
Listen, I can't, and shouldn't, haul your baggage around for you just as you shouldn't for me. But I am willing, like one of my three's did, to help you - not pack it up but rather unpack it. When it comes to the kind of baggage we are hauling around with us everyday we don't need any help packing that up thankyouverymuch, but am I right when I point out that when it comes to unpacking we could use a hand, well actually a heart, to help us?
This morning I heard of a game night that happened with a bunch of people I know. Most of them from work but some of them I knew from before my current workplace. I wasn't invited. Let's be honest, I probably wouldn't have gone anyway but it still stung a wee bit that I wasn't invited. I think I know why I wasn't, I can speculate with a pretty decent degree of accuracy why I wasn't. Still, it stung just a wee bit. And then I got over myself.
Reality check.
I am not for everyone. My humor (or lack thereof), my personality (hello rare INFJ), my expression of faith (I observe Biblical Festivals and eat Kosher say whaaaa?), my work style (Type A which means I procrastinate until I can do it "perfect"), my laugh (I'm betting someone is annoyed by it), my tone of voice (same - someone is annoyed by it), my inflexibility when it comes to treatment of people (yeah, I'm so weird - I think grace should win), my inability to be brief (this post is shaping up to be a good example of that), my hermit tendencies (I go off the grid every weekend possible), my uncanny discernment abilities (makes people squirm), and so much more.
Reality checked.
I am not for everyone.
Oh guess what? Neither are you.
There's your reality check.
But there's good news.
Really good news actually.
You are for someone and I am too. There are people out there who "get" me and "get" you too. They understand, tolerate, maybe even like our idiosyncrasies. Not everyone has to like us and we don't have to like everyone. It's really okay. We are looking for quality over quantity anyway. Right? (Nod your head yes) Quality is always better than quantity and let's be honest, I'm not quality for some people and they aren't quality for me and it's okay. It's really okay.
One final thought.
I'm not for everyone and not everyone is for me BUT. But that doesn't mean I don't extend grace, kindness, compassion, and courtesy to everyone. Treating people with courtesy regardless of the relationship I have with them or they have with me is a non-negotiable.
It's a non- negotiable for me.
Oh guess what? For you too.
When the static begins I notice, as anyone does when static comes across the airwaves. Before fiddling with the dial to try and adjust past the static I wait to see if it corrects itself. Sometimes I know I'm just in a "dead spot" and in a matter of seconds the static will disappear and the frequency will be crystal clear again. But other times the static persists and so I start to fiddle with the dial - go up just a smidge, go down just a smidge. When my fiddling doesn't change the static I go radio silent. That static is annoying, right?
As it turns out static doesn't happen just on the airwaves, it happens in my life too. Sometimes the static that begins is a blip, a momentary "dead spot" that I know will disappear after a good night's sleep or a book (or two) read. But when the static doesn't clear up I start fiddling with my dials - adjust a smidge here and a smidge there. And when the fiddling doesn't change the static I go radio silent. My transmitter needs some maintenance.
The static comes without warning and I have yet to figure out its triggers. At first I thought it might be time of year/season related but then I went radio silent when I didn't expect. So the conclusion is it happens when it happens and I need to stayed tuned in to myself. The problem with the static that leads me to radio silence is I go silent with everyone in my life - without warning or notice I basically drop off the grid, I go underground, I retreat. I go silent.
Things have been static the past month or so. I've been fiddling with my dials but in the past few days I have noticed that I'm off the grid as much as I can be considering I work full time. Going radio silent shows up in different ways. I watch more TV, I read less, I have to talk myself out of bed and into life every day, I'm listless, I'm indifferent, I can't find energy to respond to the simplest of texts, I procrastinate, I quit engaging with my 3's and 12's, and more.
I know what dials to fiddle with. I may up my morale boosting activities, purposely schedule coffee and lunch with friends, take naps as often as I can, find a project at home or work to focus on, give myself some space to clear the static, I keep to my routine and commitments as much as possible. And sometimes that fiddling works and hardly anyone is the wiser to the static I just had to clear.
I go radio silent when the fiddling doesn't work and that static gets so annoying that I have to power down. I cannot gather myself enough to even send out an alert to people who should know I'm dropping off the grid. It just happens and I leave in the silence people who I love and care about and who love and care about me. And then one day, out of the blue (pun intended), I'm powered back on and no static is present. My transmitter is working again.
I can't explain these static filled and silent times. And they make me feel guilty for friends and family lost in my radio silence, perplexed at why the static didn't clear, literally exhausted physically and mentally. I wonder when I power back on who will still be hanging around, understanding that I had retreated not because of them but because of me, loving me in spite of my sudden and confusing silence. I don't blame people when they drift away - it's hard to be in close relationship with someone who goes radio silent with no warning. I'm always awed when people close in around me even though I'm not aware they have until the static clears and I'm back on the air.
I work for a radio station so I have learned a very small amount about the airwaves, transmitters, and such. When we have storms in our various markets and the signal goes to static or silent we hear about it from our listeners. I imagine over the years we have lost some listeners in some of our markets that seem to perpetually be static or silent but we also have retained a lot of listeners because they understand things happen and as wonderful as technology is, it is also subject to breakdown from time to time. We are grateful for the listeners who hang in there with us, through static and silence. I, too, am grateful in my own personal life for those who hang in there with me, through the static and silence.
One morning recently my oldest redhead came into my room and said, "Mommy? You need to get up" and pulled the blankets off of me. Then she started up the shower and got a towel out for me. I laid there for another minute pouting. Then I groaned and got out of bed. FINE. I guess I need to be an adult today.
Being an adult is not for the faint of heart, no wonder some people fight against it. You have to show up to a job and make money to pay bills and own your actions and words and a lot more! It's tough being an adult and it's tiring. I'm exhausted from behaving like a grown-up for so long. Sometimes I just want to lay down in my Grandma's lap and watch TV like I did when I wasn't yet a grown-up. I thought I had it rough then. Psh.
I mean, sure, there are some perks to being an adult. Although outside of being able to drink legally
I'm feeling a little hard pressed to come up with any perks right now. And let's face it, in order to keep adulting day after day I need to be able to drink some. *wink*
When I was graduating from High School, as the oldest redhead is about to do, all my classmates were so ready to be "adults." I think I was the only one on graduation day in tears from fear rather than excitement. I was perfectly fine as was, I did not think being an adult was going to be all that great - I mean, it came with a lot of responsibility and I was not ready for it. Not at all. In fact, I'm still not ready for it.
It seems I'm not the only one who thinks this adulting gig is a joke. I read this article a while back and felt the comfort of solidarity. There are others like me. Others who think dusting is highly overrated and forgets to feed the family now and then (or in reality only feeds the family now and then). There are others who believed the deception of adulting being this wonderful thing and instead just want to crawl back into the blanket fort and resume coloring. I'm guessing Netflix was created by a bunch of exhausted adults who needed to create an acceptable form of escape. God bless them, whoever they are.
My heart races, I break out in sweat, my mouth becomes a cotton field, the butterflies in my stomach transform into buzzing locusts. This is what happens when I am forced to remember that I am the adult in a situation or within a group of people and so I have to behave like it. And I'm never quite positive that I can pull it off, that I can successfully act like an adult, or think like one, I'm not sure I know how to speak like an adult, or even look like one. Isn't there someone else, anyone else, who can be the adult right now? I might even be able to pay you - or feed you - or water you. I need an adultier adult. Anyone? Anyone?
I've decided to be honest with my redheads about being an adult. I've let them experience the grind of adulting along with me, I haven't romanticized it in any way. They know they are going to have to adult at some point but they also know it is not all its cracked up to be. Someone thought I should be an adult and look where its gotten me. Exhausted, stressed, and disillusioned. Welcome my children to adult life, have fun - come cry on my shoulder anytime you want, I understand.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) can accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power].James 5:16 (amp)
She had asked me earlier that day if we could meet at the coffee shop. "I need to confess something to you, will you hear my confession?" Whaaaa?
"Uh, sure?"
"Well you know in James it says that if we confess our sins to one another and pray for each other that we will be healed and I want to be healed. Will you hear me and pray for me?" WHOA. Mind. Blown.
Yeah, I know what James says but nobody actually ever does it do they? But she did and does, and inspired me to work on doing the same.
I heard her, I prayed for her, and our relationship changed - it deepened, it entwined our hearts and we became inseparable in many ways. And yes, she was healed but through hearing her confession I too was set on a path of healing. Healing from the pride that kept me from being honest with people in my life about things in my life. Healing from shame that haunted me over my false steps and offenses committed - knowingly or unknowingly. I haven't arrived anywhere yet but I'm a lot more confessional than I used to be - with the people I know I can trust of course.
You don't just pick anyone to confess to. Okay, maybe in certain circumstances you do. Like when Donald Miller and his friends held confession at a carnival in college. (The true story and the movie version) But for the real personal stuff you pick someone you know will hear you, not judge you or rebuke you, will pray for you, will still love you (and perhaps love you even more), and will walk alongside of you as you seek to correct the words or actions that led to a division in a relationship or situation.
Confession has gotten a bad rap through the years. It's unfair to the many physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits confession offers. It's gotten a bad rap because humans are involved in it. Yes, us humans tend to muck it up with critical spirits, judgement, superiority, and sharing it with others when it was meant to be private. We've reduced it to saying a couple of key phrases so the ritual of it is complete. And that's the biggest muck up of all - we've reduced the practice of confession to a ritual. Anytime something is transformed into a ritual it loses the power it had.
I've been contemplating the spirituality of confession lately. Not the ritual of it but the lifestyle of it. Not all rituals are bad, but not all are good. I am guessing most started off with good intentions. But enter human nature and anything intended for good is then open to the possibility for mucking up. I should know, I'm a human and I've mucked up plenty of things. Confession transforms from a spiritual practice to a ritual when it becomes just one more thing to check off on "the list." You know what list I'm referring to correct? The "Spiritual To Do" List. You know, things like have a "quiet time", go to church on Sundays, put a five in the offering plate, etc. Most protestants don't have confession on their own list but most Catholics do. And one of the reasons protestants don't have confessional time built in to their "spiritual to do" list is because of the Catholics waaaaaaaaaaay back in the day. It had become a ritual in some churches and with some priests so kicking that ritual to the curb bumped it off the protestants to do lists. But just because some spoiled it doesn't mean it is bad, it just means humans mucked up a good thing...again.
When protestants kicked the practice of confession off the checklist for spirituality, the message became that confessing your sins, lacks, and flaws was a shameful thing to do in front of anyone but God. Wait, what about James 5:16? Oh that verse? Well James didn't actually mean it the way it's written.
Or did he?
I'm pretty sure he did. I'm pretty sure he meant it exactly as it is written. Dietrich Bonhoeffer happens to agree with me. *wink* In his book, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community, Bonhoeffer makes the case for confession one to another: A man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person. As long as I am by myself in the confession of my sins everything remains in the dark, but in the presence of a brother the sin has to be brought into the light... Our brother has been given me that even here and now I may be made certain through him of the reality of God in His judgment and His grace (p116).
....our confessions to God often are merely confessions to ourselves, and as a result we are living in self-forgiveness rather than in real forgiveness, and so the cycle of sin continues. But when we confess to a brother, we can be certain that we are not merely confessing to ourselves, but to God, represented to us by our brother. (source)
Where the protestant practice of confession would differ from the Catholic practice is in who hears the confession. Gleaning from Bonhoeffer yet again, "....in a Christian community, one person should not serve as the confessor for all the others. When that is the case, there is a danger that the work will become routine and thus an empty sham. Worse yet, there is the danger that it will become a source of spiritual domination." (source) This is one reason why people rebelled against confessional back in the day - to have one person know ALL is too much for any one person. It will break them down and compromise and complacency are sure to happen. God created us as relational beings, to share with one another - more than one person. Be wise about it, certainly, but don't allow just one person to hold all of your confidences, some aren't meant for certain people.
When I practice a "confessional" lifestyle people squirm. I find it kind of funny - which means then I do it a little more often. *wink* For example, a couple of weeks ago I spoke at a staff meeting. I shared my spiritual life story and parts of it were a confession to my co-workers, things I felt comfortable confessing even though I wonder if it's going to come back around like a boomerang. Here's a portion of my confessions: My mind and heart were a tangled mess of fear, lies, and self-preservation. It was evident in any conflict that arose, every relationship I had, and how I interacted with authority in my life.... I’ve had to apologize to my redheads when I’ve sinned against them, my husband and I just came out of a really rocky period that lasted way longer than we would have liked, I still get tempted by fear of man over fear of God and have to fight that temptation, I struggle with my physical health, I can be too lazy.... Because I’m not finished I don’t behave right all the time and yet God, in his grace, invites me to take a walk to talk it through anyway.
The room was VERY quiet, I sensed a lot of internal squirming going on...and surprise - surprise that I would be so bold as to be so honest.
In fact, I've made a confession within this post. Go back and see if you can find it (hint: it is italicized). Those all "count." I was confessional when a few months ago The Chief had to have a "hard talk" with me about an interaction I had with someone else in the organization. He was squirming at the confession he felt he needed to get out of me so I offered it up to ease his discomfort. Ha! Our human nature kicks against saying or doing anything that we perceive makes us look weak, flawed, or rotten. But guess what? We are weak and flawed and some of us are really rotten. Once you can accept that about yourself, confessing when you've mucked up goes a lot smoother. It will still make others squirm but you won't even fidget.
Why are they squirming? Because they aren't at that point yet, the need to defend self is still stronger than the desire to live without a mask. I get it and like I said earlier - I haven't arrived anywhere yet but I'm a lot further down the road than I used to be. Now I peek out from behind the mask and 'fess up when I know I need to. Note I said when I recognize I need to, not when someone tells me I need to. Listen, I know when I've mucked up. And I believe you know when you have mucked up. We don't need to be trying to force someone to confess just because what they did or said made us uncomfortable. Maybe we needed to feel some discomfort, let's not be too quick to dismiss that feeling either. So I'm quick to be honest about my flaws, weaknesses, moments of misbehavin'. I confessed to The Chief without him having to coerce me because I knew I had misbehaved a bit. I'll own my part of it. Listen, while it might be interesting to try and navigate around a big pink elephant in the room it really cuts into life. So 'fess up to your part of the pink elephant and reduce the tension in the room by your part at least. I've been mindful about this in my own life for awhile now and it's interesting to watch reactions and hear responses. There's always surprise, as if the person hearing my confession is taken aback that I know I misbehaved or I am overweight and being lazy about it or I treated them (or someone) poorly - to offer up a few examples (and confessions!). Did you just squirm when I mentioned those few examples? Why?
If you are ever in the position to hear someone's confession I implore you to treat it and the person with grace, and if *you* should ever approach someone to confess for healing I pray you are embraced with grace.
Let's allow grace to be our seasoning of choice with one another (Colossians 4:6) and be conduits of healing in each other's lives.
What are your thoughts on confession? Do you practice it on a regular basis or not? Who do you confess to? What kind of benefits have you experienced as a result of confession?
I have a character flaw. I know you are shocked but alas, I do. I default to defensiveness. I immediately jump to the defensive when I feel attacked on - well anything. I don't think I'm the only one with this flaw, I see it all around me every day. We all feel the need to defend ourselves - our work ethic, our choices, our beliefs, our theories, you name it we jump to a defense of it. Have you ever watched someone get defensive over something? It can be pretty ugly. The behavior that surfaces as a defense mechanism can be akin to the Hulk transforming from flesh to green. Guess what? You look like that too when you get defensive. Just sayin'. *wink*
The other day someone got defensive with me and instead of looking like the Hulk they looked like a dog marking its territory. I am not exaggerating. They did the equivalent of going around and peeing on things and people in an attempt to make a point. When I didn't respond then they turned into the Hulk. I found it all to be rather exasperating and funny. But it got me to thinking about this default of defensiveness that so many of us seem afflicted with. If we are so convinced that we are the right ones then why are we turning green and peeing on things?
Here's a profound idea: allow yourself to be proved wrong. Yep, you read that right. Open yourself up to be proved wrong on the theory, opinion, etc that you hold. Quit spending so much time trying to defend your position. If you are right then it can defend itself. So let others prove you wrong. And IF they can here's the next profound idea: allow yourself to concede and be open to a mind change. Yep, you read that right. Open yourself up to changing your mind, opinions, beliefs, theories, etc. I know, I know. It's a crazy idea but it just may be the best thing we can do for ourselves.
The fact is this: we are not right about every single thing we believe, feel, etc. We do not always behave rightly, we do not always speak rightly, we do not always treat others rightly. Why are we so hell bound (and I do believe certain forces of hell have something to do with this character flaw) on defending something that deep down we know to be wrong? Is our need to "save face" so great that we are willing to defend even the things we know are wrong? Apparently so.
Listen, I'm speaking to myself first and foremost. Remember my confession above? I know my flaws and I've worked hard at making sure I am mindful about the automatic default they lead me to. I have to keep myself in check more often than not. I have some other people in my life who also serve as a check. Sometimes they catch me defaulting before I can catch myself. In mid-transformation from flesh to green they jump in and keep me from going all the way.
Next time someone says or does something that makes you feel like lifting a leg to mark your territory or you feel the flesh changing to green stop. Take a deep breath, put your leg down, let your heartbeat come back to normal and be confident in the thing you feel is being attacked. Let the other person do the hard work of arguing a position and IF they are able to make you reconsider your own position that's okay. It's okay to change our minds. It's also okay to have different positions, beliefs, opinions and be friends. It is good for us to be challenged and to challenge and we don't need to pee on things or turn green to do it.
Last year I decided to dedicate the calendar year to a word. I chose shalom, read about why here.
As I look back at the last year and review my thoughts on shalom it occurred to me that for a year dedicated to shalom I dealt with quite a bit of conflict! It's like when you pray for patience and then all you get are opportunities to practice having patience.
This focus on shalom seems to be a two-part process. The year 2015 was very revealing to me in terms of all the brokenness. God really opened my eyes and heart to see all the people and places that needed the healing touch of shalom. This included people and places in my personal and professional life. He started with me, of course. And he isn't done with me yet (Philippians 1:6). As I became aware of the need for shalom God started to show me what my role in bringing that about might be. That's what I think 2016 is. It's part two of the process.
In order to know how to introduce shalom I first need to know where it is needed and how much of a role I have been asked to have in it. Obviously for my personal life (marriage, motherhood, personal growth) the role I play is going to be a lot bigger than one I may play in my workplace or in my local community politics, etc. But I, and you, have a role to play in the business of shalom. Momma T said, "I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples." Each of us are a stone of shalom and when we allow ourselves to be cast across the waters we help create the ripples of shalom so desperately needed. Some of us are going to be bigger stones than others, some of us may only create one ripple that seems insignificant, others of us may only be cast at the beginning or end - not participating in the whole process.
The process of shalom takes many willing, and humble, hearts and hands to bring about wholeness and most of us will not be part of the entire process or may never even know the end results. That's the part of the shalom process I need to be okay with. I like to know the outcome, I like to know that what was wrong has been righted - what was upside-down is now right-side up - what was torn asunder has been put back together. But I don't always get to know the results, does that mean my role in the shalom process is any less valuable? No, it doesn't! For me or for you. Too often I allow the potential results to interfere with my role. I shrink back or half-ass it because I doubt the end results will be positive or that I will ever get to see the fruit of my participation. I need to get over myself. If I've been asked to be part of the process then I need to do it to the best of my ability and not concern myself with the results. Who knows what the ripples I cause end up doing? God does and that should be good enough for me.
The calendar changed from December 31 to January 1 but that doesn't mean that the process of shalom my heart is compelled to focus on just ceased due to a day, month, and year progression. It continues. Is there a word or a focus you've had in the past that you ended due to a year ending/beginning that perhaps God has continued to bring back up? Maybe it's time to revisit it.
