Go ahead, prove me wrong.

I have a character flaw. I know you are shocked but alas, I do. I default to defensiveness. I immediately jump to the defensive when I feel attacked on - well anything. I don't think I'm the only one with this flaw, I see it all around me every day. We all feel the need to defend ourselves - our work ethic, our choices, our beliefs, our theories, you name it we jump to a defense of it.  Have you ever watched someone get defensive over something?  It can be pretty ugly. The behavior that surfaces as a defense mechanism can be akin to the Hulk transforming from flesh to green. Guess what? You look like that too when you get defensive. Just sayin'. *wink*

The other day someone got defensive with me and instead of looking like the Hulk they looked like a dog marking its territory. I am not exaggerating. They did the equivalent of going around and peeing on things and people in an attempt to make a point. When I didn't respond then they turned into the Hulk.  I found it all to be rather exasperating and funny. But it got me to thinking about this default of defensiveness that so many of us seem afflicted with.  If we are so convinced that we are the right ones then why are we turning green and peeing on things?

Here's a profound idea: allow yourself to be proved wrong. Yep, you read that right. Open yourself up to be proved wrong on the theory, opinion, etc that you hold. Quit spending so much time trying to defend your position. If you are right then it can defend itself. So let others prove you wrong. And IF they can here's the next profound idea: allow yourself to concede and be open to a mind change. Yep, you read that right. Open yourself up to changing your mind, opinions, beliefs, theories, etc. I know, I know. It's a crazy idea but it just may be the best thing we can do for ourselves.

The fact is this: we are not right about every single thing we believe, feel, etc. We do not always behave rightly, we do not always speak rightly, we do not always treat others rightly. Why are we so hell bound (and I do believe certain forces of hell have something to do with this character flaw) on defending something that deep down we know to be wrong?  Is our need to "save face" so great that we are willing to defend even the things we know are wrong? Apparently so.

Listen, I'm speaking to myself first and foremost. Remember my confession above?  I know my flaws and I've worked hard at making sure I am mindful about the automatic default they lead me to. I have to keep myself in check more often than not. I have some other people in my life who also serve as a check. Sometimes they catch me defaulting before I can catch myself. In mid-transformation from flesh to green they jump in and keep me from going all the way.

Next time someone says or does something that makes you feel like lifting a leg to mark your territory or you feel the flesh changing to green stop. Take a deep breath, put your leg down, let your heartbeat come back to normal and be confident in the thing you feel is being attacked. Let the other person do the hard work of arguing a position and IF they are able to make you reconsider your own position that's okay. It's okay to change our minds. It's also okay to have different positions, beliefs, opinions and be friends. It is good for us to be challenged and to challenge and we don't need to pee on things or turn green to do it.

{shalom} revisited

Last year I decided to dedicate the calendar year to a word. I chose shalom, read about why here.
As I look back at the last year and review my thoughts on shalom it occurred to me that for a year dedicated to shalom I dealt with quite a bit of conflict! It's like when you pray for patience and then all you get are opportunities to practice having patience.

This focus on shalom seems to be a two-part process. The year 2015 was very revealing to me in terms of all the brokenness. God really opened my eyes and heart to see all the people and places that needed the healing touch of shalom. This included people and places in my personal and professional life. He started with me, of course. And he isn't done with me yet (Philippians 1:6). As I became aware of the need for shalom God started to show me what my role in bringing that about might be. That's what I think 2016 is. It's part two of the process.

In order to know how to introduce shalom I first need to know where it is needed and how much of a role I have been asked to have in it. Obviously for my personal life (marriage, motherhood, personal growth) the role I play is going to be a lot bigger than one I may play in my workplace or in my local community politics, etc. But I, and you, have a role to play in the business of shalom. Momma T said, "I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples." Each of us are a stone of shalom and when we allow ourselves to be cast across the waters we help create the ripples of shalom so desperately needed. Some of us are going to be bigger stones than others, some of us may only create one ripple that seems insignificant, others of us may only be cast at the beginning or end - not participating in the whole process.

The process of shalom takes many willing, and humble, hearts and hands to bring about wholeness and most of us will not be part of the entire process or may never even know the end results. That's the part of the shalom process I need to be okay with. I like to know the outcome, I like to know that what was wrong has been righted - what was upside-down is now right-side up - what was torn asunder has been put back together. But I don't always get to know the results, does that mean my role in the shalom process is any less valuable? No, it doesn't! For me or for you. Too often I allow the potential results to interfere with my role. I shrink back or half-ass it because I doubt the end results will be positive or that I will ever get to see the fruit of my participation. I need to get over myself. If I've been asked to be part of the process then I need to do it to the best of my ability and not concern myself with the results. Who knows what the ripples I cause end up doing? God does and that should be good enough for me.

The calendar changed from December 31 to January 1 but that doesn't mean that the process of shalom my heart is compelled to focus on just ceased due to a day, month, and year progression. It continues. Is there a word or a focus you've had in the past that you ended due to a year ending/beginning that perhaps God has continued to bring back up? Maybe it's time to revisit it.

Mind the Gap

If you ride the subway system in NYC or in London, probably the El in Chicago as well, an automated voice will warn passengers, "Mind the Gap."  Mind the gap between the train and the platform or else you may stumble in the gap and end up hurt.

Last time I was in the City and hearing the reminders about the gap it stuck with me but not in the literal sense. It pricked my awareness in the figurative, of course.

"Mind the Gap Beth."

Mind the Gap.

Mind the gap between pride and humility.
Mind the gap between confidence and complacency.
Mind the gap between fear of man and fear of God.
Mind the gap between entitlement and contentment.
Mind the gap between bearing and enabling.
Mind the gap between legalism and grace.
Mind the gap between forgiveness and grudges.

Mind the Gap.

When I don't mind the gap, I step into that in-between space and stumble. Sometimes I can recover from the stumble without any damage being done, other times damage happens and then I have to deal with the aftershocks of it. And dealing with the damage a stumble can cause is always painful - to me personally and sometimes, more often that not, to people around me. Being negligent around the gap causes a ripple effect. When I stumble and fall I rarely take only myself down, others go with me. But when I'm mindful it means that not only am I looking out for myself, I'm looking out for others.

What kind of gaps do you need to be mindful of in this life?  I've listed a few that I think all people can relate to. Perhaps there are personal ones as well, there are for me. Let's all help each other and mind the gap.

The Threat of Patch Adams

The hub and I recently watched [again] Patch Adams. This time I saw it with many more years of life lived and even a new perspective on the world.
Conflict happens when Patch and Dean Walcott clash over Patch's untraditional practices, methods, and ideas about healing.The conflict between Adams and Walcott highlights a relevant problem in our culture, people who choose to go against the flow of "how it's done" are seen as rebellious, disrespectful, and lazy. In reality most of those people are passionate, hardworking, and compassionate. They aren't actually rebellious but appear to be so because they are kicking against the goads of society's rules.  They aren't actually disrespectful but are accused of being so because they have a different perspective they are exploring how to live out. They aren't lazy but seem so because the methods they are trying don't fall into the structures already set up and thought to be "the right [only] way."

Another interesting problem that the movie highlights is the one of threat. Walcott, although he would never admit it, was threatened by Patch's ability to connect with humans, to see beyond the obvious, to heal them outside of traditional methods.  This was a threat to Walcott who had been taught to stay in the lines. Perhaps the threat also triggered a bit of jealousy deep within.  If Walcott had any dreams about making a change in the world they had been stifled long ago and Adams wasn't willing to allow himself or his ideas to be stifled or silenced.

Adams rubbed Walcott the wrong way. He was never going to "win" with Walcott.

Can you relate?
Are you an Adams and you have a Walcott in your life?
Or, be honest, are you a Walcott and there is an Adams in your life?

I can relate. In fact, I didn't realize how much I could relate until I watched the movie again. There's a coworker relationship I have that has me walking in the shoes of Patch Adams and the coworker wearing the pants of Dean Walcott. And it is t.o.u.g.h. I'm never going to "win" with Walcott.

I decided this past week, after yet another very rough week dealing with my Walcott, that the core issue is threat. My Walcott behaves as if the things I do around the office are a threat to them professionally and personally. It is brain boggling.

Let me outline a few of my offenses according to my Walcott:

My Walcott was out on vacation and their boss needed something that couldn't wait and asked me to do it. So I did. How dare I? 

This Adams has decided the office needs as much morale boosting as possible so in light of that this Adams has hosted an office version of Dinovember, provides a stress relief room filled with laughter and good chocolate for the stressful and long pledge drives our organization holds three times a year, decorates the pledge drive phone zones in different themes for a little bit of fun, surprises the office with fun treats every now and then. How dare I? 

There's more, almost daily my Walcott is on my case about something - those are just a few examples. This past week was a circus theme at work for our year end pledge drive. One day I handed out to all the employees, whether they work the pledge drive or not, a treat box with various "circus themed" treats. This Adams was having a great time handing them out and getting some smiles from some coworkers that I hadn't seen smile all week. (It's the little things people, which is another lesson from the life of Patch Adams.) My Walcott came up to me, literally poked me in the chest (I've got a witness), and said, "You are a child. You are ridiculous" and started to walk away. Walcott was not teasing me (remember I've got a witness). I replied back, "Hey Jesus told us to be like the children..." to which Walcott harshly, and almost with anger, retorted, "He didn't mean this" and stomped off. My crime?  I gave my Walcott a circus themed box of treats.  How dare I?

Just like Dean Walcott complained about Patch Adam's unusual and non-traditional methods of practicing medicine, my Walcott also complains about my methods of getting my work done and how I interact with my own boss (The Chief) and others. Apparently my Walcott believes this Adams breaks some archaic code regarding work and interactions. My Walcott has actually told me outright that I am rebellious because I do something differently than how they would.  Seriously.  It's a head scratcher for sure.

What Patch Adams reminds me of is persistence. He never caved to Walcott's unreasonable demands and behavior. He never allowed Walcott to break his spirit or his goal to practice medicine. I confess I'm not as thick-skinned as Patch was with Walcott. My Walcott has hurt my feelings, made me cry, driven me to drink (not even joking), and pushed me to the edge of an anger I rarely feel. Not a week goes by that I don't eagerly anticipate the weekend so that I can have a two day break from my Walcott. And when my Walcott goes on vacation? Bliss. But Patch reminds me to stand my ground. I'm reminded to not cave to Walcott's behavior which only serves to enable it. Patch reminds me to stay strong in spirit. My Walcott is not stronger than I am. Patch also didn't deviate from his goal to practice medicine his way. If he had, a lot of people would have missed out on healing. I should not let my Walcott's sour attitude make me deviate from my goal of boosting office moral or practicing my work ethic the way I do. If I allow my Walcott to distract me from who I really am, then I think that there will be some people who miss out on something I have to help them.

Patch Adams also serves as a reminder to me about Walcott. Don't be a Dean Walcott in life! What a miserable way to live. If you have seen the movie then you may recall that a smile probably would have broken Walcott's face in half. There's more than one way to do something, be flexible and open-minded. Don't allow jealousy to be the motivation for action or lack of action. And it's never, ever, ever too late to jump out of the pants of Dean Walcott and into the shoes of Patch Adams.


For more on Patch Adams and his Institute click here. 

The Cost of Betrayal {Epilogue}

{If you missed parts 1 & 2 you'll want to click here}

Yes, what about the others?  

What about the Pastor, and his wife, that screwed me over?

What about my husband, whom I haven't mentioned much at all?

What about the Good 'ole Boys Club who choose to look the other way?

What about me?  Did I stay at the church?  Of course not, right?  Or did I? 

The saying is, "Karma's a bitch" and there's some truth in that. I don't know about karma, per se, but I do know that we don't get away with bad behavior and treating people poorly. It eventually catches up to us and when it does...watch out.  It's going to bitch slap you.* The thing I've had to work through is the way it has come back around on the various people who participated in my collision with betrayal.  It hasn't always been in the way I would have chosen but in ways that were more, well, God. *grin*

But let's catch up on my hub, because clearly he wasn't a betrayer. 

I drove home that day in shock.  Rather dangerous as I have zero memory of the drive and how I even managed to safely get home. I walked in the door and all my hub had to do was look at my face. And then he transformed. At that time we had been married about 11 years and in all our years together I had never seen him with such emotion.  He flushed, his fists clenched and he started for the door. "I'm going to go knock on his door and on his face." I stopped him. I didn't want to but I did anyway because I knew we were going to have to be the bigger people here. I knew how we chose to respond was going to be watched and scrutinized and I was determined to make sure we stayed innocent in this mess. In the next few days he had several phone conversations with the Pastor. He stomped around the house, sweating and angry while his wife (that's me) cried and cowered in figurative corners, unsure of what to do.  We didn't even need to talk about the accusations of inappropriate feelings or relationship between Pastor and I.  My hub knew me and knew that there was no way an ounce of truth existed about that. In the next few months, yes months, my hub was with me at any meeting that happened and he even held a couple of his own. He wouldn't back down and he wouldn't let the Pastor and any of his buddies off the hook.  He relentlessly pursued truth on my behalf.  I sat home on the couch in stunned silence most of the time. He was God's provision of Psalm 91 to me, which years before I had asked God to give me a man that could be his earthly representation on that in my life. And my hub rose to the occasion. 

Be careful of what you plant and water.

The Pastor, and his wife, got away with it for a season. My hub did back him into a corner I bet the Pastor didn't know existed and got him to admit he had wronged me on some level.  It was the most we were going to get from him so we took it. To this day he and his wife have never come to my hub and I seeking sincere forgiveness and confessing their sin against me. They have maintained their self-righteous attitude and the two pages of neatly typed lies they created about me. It certainly created some awkward moments in the months after that when we did run into each other. More awkward for him than me but still awkward. 

The Good 'ole Boys. Ah, yes them. Well there were two that played a crucial part in the whole betrayal.  The senior Pastor and another Pastor on staff then.*  And their behavior is part of the debt of betrayal I live with. It took me 5 years to go back to those men and confront the shame they had attempted to cover me in and stand up for myself. FIVE YEARS. *I walked through the doors of the church with my husband at my side. We sat in two offices that day and with both men I stood up for myself and truth as I should have done 5 years prior.  I presented evidence to refute the lies they believed about me, I confronted them on their own choices regarding the treatment of me, I gave them the full story rather than let the half-story sit out there and continue to distort truth. I could do this because regret had no hold on me and shame was not my name.  Some would say, "You waited five years?  Sheesh, couldn't you just let it go?" The answer is no. No, I could not let it go because God would not let it go.  And if I had not followed God's timing on the when and where of standing up for truth I would have new regrets to deal with. I do my best to avoid having regrets. Guess what?  The timing, five years later, was perfect.  Both men were in a place to hear me and to seek restoration with me. Freedom, for me and I hope for them, happened that day. 

And me? Well by this point you may have figured out that I stayed, we stayed, at that church until I was released by God. And our continued presence, and service, made some people very uncomfortable. Some women started avoiding me (gee, perhaps because they started the rumor?!), the Pastor and his wife tried to ignore me but yet 'stalk' me at the same time (it was weird and unnerving), the senior Pastor from time to time would ask me why I had stayed and exclaim disbelief that anyone would after how I had been treated (clearly he wasn't putting all the dots together...), but then another Pastor took me under his wing and with him I went to Africa twice and helped head up a couple of different ministries in the church. I was even asked to teach at one of the women's retreats (and I did teach, on fear of man and people pleasing). All the while waiting to be released. It took 5 years for release to happen for me personally. The hub just left that church for good last year. 

People, many many people, thought I was crazy to stay. Oh believe me, I begged God to give me release but he held out until the right time. While I stayed and waited the Pastor dug some deep holes of his own and quit before he was let go.   But I was still there. It's important to note that I could have started up the bulldozer and dug his holes for him a bit quicker but I didn't. I didn't give in to that desire to seek revenge or *help* truth get exposed. I stayed quiet, I stayed away from him, and I let him dig his own hole.  This bit of wisdom became my mantra and something I still try to practice to this day, "Do not retaliate with evil, regardless of the evil brought against you. Try to do what is good and right and honorable as agreed upon by all people. If it is within your power, make peace with all people. Again, my loved ones, do not seek revenge; instead, allow God’s wrath to make sure justice is served. Turn it over to Him. For the Scriptures say, “Revenge is Mine. I will settle all scores.” But consider this bit of wisdom: “If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink; because if you treat him kindly, it will be like heaping hot coals on top of his head.” Never let evil get the best of you; instead, overpower evil with the good." Guess what I have discovered?  That wisdom, when practiced and applied, works! And it keeps the one practicing it in a clear conscience and with a peace that no human could possibly ever understand on their own. So I let him dig his own hole.  

When God gave me release it was a relief. I didn't leave in a huff, I didn't leave in the early stages of wounding, I didn't even leave with any emotion at all. I just left. I left stronger, I left healthier emotionally and spiritually, I left having found my voice again. Such a burden lifted the moment I knew I could leave.  

The cost of betrayal is high but I'm paying down the debt as I can. Are you living in a deficit due to betrayal? Start paying down that debt, you won't regret it. 

* I know. That seems and/or sounds harsh right?  Well betrayal is harsh and the consequences of it are going to be harsh also. 

* Gasp. Beth, did you just 'name' the other participants? Yep. Is there a reason I shouldn't have? Hiding and/or continuing to cover for people doesn't do anyone any good when all is said and done. I'm not naming actual names or even the church so let's all just breathe. 

*This excerpt is taken from a post I wrote about regrets. 

The Cost of Betrayal {Part 2}

{If you missed part 1 click here}

My current boss, I like to call him The Chief these days, is the first male boss I have had and been willing to have since the collision with betrayal 10 years ago.  

When I interviewed for the position a couple of years ago and realized, in the middle of the interview, that he was a he and he would be the first male boss I had since the whole collision my heart paused. I wasn't sure I could have a male boss again. It suddenly felt more raw than it had in a long time. So I had to step back and think. 

If I was going to take the chance again with a male boss a few things were clear.

1) The Chief wasn't the Pastor. Two totally different men. 2) Whatever distrust I had regarding the Pastor I could not transfer to The Chief, that wasn't fair to him. 3) I was stronger now 8 years later than I was then, 8 years prior. I didn't believe in enabling bad behavior under the guise of God or Pastor title (or any title actually) and I didn't believe that I did not have important things to say. 4) I believed more than ever in my gift of discernment as it hadn't let me down yet. I had let it down but not in 8 years and I wasn't about to make that mistake again. 5) Boundaries will need to be established that I stick to, and insist on, no matter what.  

I took the job. 

I got some counsel from my hub and friends who had walked the road of betrayal with me 8 years prior. They helped me establish the boundaries I would personally need and reminded me of the facts - Chief wasn't Pastor so don't make him pay for the Pastor's sins. Trusting a male boss again can work out.

The Chief isn't the Pastor. It was quickly apparent that Chief was way healthier emotionally and spiritually than the Pastor. For example, he knew boundaries were appropriate and important. Over the past 2 plus years of working together we have learned about each other, learned to trust one another, and we've never had any boundary issues. It has been a healing experience for me personally. He has given me space to use my voice and share opinions. He has defended me and he has asked me for "my side" of any conflict that has popped up in the workplace.  He has allowed me to say hard (and perhaps harsh) things and not 'punished' me for them but instead worked with me to get to the core of what I'm saying. He has been a part of the redemption*, unknowingly, of the situation from 10 years ago.  I love the truth of Joel 2:25, "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...." It sounds a little dramatic but the fallout from betrayal can eat up years of an abundant life. Yet God stays true to his word, he pays us back for those lost years and then some.  

The Chief and I, June 2015. 

He's not perfect, neither am I. But he's always more than willing to admit to his mess-ups, imperfections, and sins. I am too. He's helped the wounds of the betrayal scab over and toughen me up and the best part? He hasn't tried to do that, he just did by being who he is. 

So why was I standing in his office this past week unsuccessfully swallowing back tears? 

Prompted by our hard - but okay - conversation, betrayal came for a little visit. It sat down and started to unpack its baggage. 

"Maybe I just care too much." And saying that I got up to leave before the uncontrollable sob that was threatening to escape came out. Asked for more of an explanation I brought up *The God Card.* Chief disagreed with me and that sob kept creeping up to burst out. I was doing my best to keep it contained. I was failing. I also couldn't quite figure out what was going on with me.  Why was I feeling this conversation so deeply? My answer was 100% accurate but there was more to it. I just couldn't get there on my own.  

About an hour after we both had recovered from the conversation, i.e. I had finally quit crying dammit, Chief walked by my desk and we fist bumped. 

All was well with us.  

But not all was well with me. 

I left a voice message for a friend who knew me back then, back when the collision between myself and betrayal happened. She was also on the church staff at the time. She heard I had quit voluntarily but she also saw me and heard what I was not saying. It was clear something wasn't right. It took a few years for her to find out the full story about that time and, she knows this, for a season I wasn't sure that I could trust her.  The betrayal threw me into a tailspin of distrust of everyone at the church, especially the church staff. I had no idea what women had started the rumor so I didn't know if she could be one of them. It turns out she wasn't, but it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I could even share the details of the collision with her. So I left her a message the day of the meltdown in Chief's office. And this was part of her response, "You were really screwed by a male boss and authority figure and while that happened a while ago you were deeply betrayed and deep betrayal like that can really jack with you....It makes perfect sense that you are struggling so much because there is no way that the deep betrayal and not just the betrayal but the other stuff too, there is no way that it did not leave its mark on you and that its mark did not leave some triggers...." 

Gee, thanks friend because now I'm sobbing - uncontrollably - again. 

Except this time I knew why I was crying. My experience, my hurt, my struggles to trust, my sensitivity to bad behavior, every abuse and bullying I endured at the hands of the Pastor and the woman interloper wasn't being discounted, dismissed, or excused away. It was being acknowledged, heard, and seen. Still, after 10 years, validation of what was done to me is important it seems. (Who knew? Because I sure didn't!)  

"....and now as I'm talking out loud of course this all goes back to the church and the Pastor. Dammit!" And that's when it hit me in a different way than it has before. 

The cost of betrayal is high. It is so high that the debt it creates can be paid down but I'm not sure it can ever be fully paid off. I found myself, post-collision, in a deficit. Every part of my life experienced fallout from the collision with betrayal, which means the fallout touched other people as well.  In short it sucked. It really sucked. 

I've had to fight really hard, emotionally and spiritually, to pay down some of the debt and not live out of the deficit it created. I've done the work of forgiveness and healing and it hasn't been easy. About a month after the betrayal I climbed out of my bed and went to go see a counselor. I am a counselor and I knew I needed some help if I was ever going to recover from this collision. I took the two pages of neatly typed shame to her and when she asked me why I wanted counseling I handed her the pages and said, "Here's why. I need to know what's true and what's not." She glanced down at the pages, read perhaps one sentence, looked up at me and calmly balled the pages into a crumpled bit of trash. "These are lies. Now tell me what happened and let's get to the truth." And so the debt began to get paid down. Yet the cost of my betrayal remains high at times and one of those times happened this past week in the office of The Chief. 

When betrayal and I met face to face I was made to feel as if my gift of discernment and my skills with counseling people were wrong and somehow inappropriate. And I believed it for about 2 days. For months prior I had been discerning several things but every time I brought up my concerns they, and I, were dismissed. So it's hard for me to not equate betrayal and being dismissed. I know they aren't the same but they have the same feeling to my heart and my psyche. As Chief and I had our hard - but okay - conversation I was feeling dismissed underneath all that was being said. I was taking a chance and sharing what my discernment was picking up on and was getting some pushback. And pushback and being dismissed aren't the same or equal either but try telling a scabbed over heart that. You can't. You have to let the heart figure it out and come to terms with it.  That's when you hope that some more of the debt has been paid down and the deficit betrayal causes rises a bit. 

Ten years later and I'm standing. I survived, I have even thrived.  I have done more work for God and his people since being told I couldn't. Thank goodness God didn't listen to Pastor and his buddies! *wink* This past week betrayal tried to unpack its baggage and settle back in to my life but fortunately I babbled and cried to a friend who was able to help me pay down some more of the debt betrayal has wracked up in my life.  So that's where the deficit ends between myself and The Chief. 

But what about the others? Was there any debt paid down with them? 

*These posts (click here and here) speak to other ways God has redeemed the collision with betrayal, he sent me to Africa less than a year after it happened! Yes, me - who wasn't fit for God or his people. *wink*

*And this post is about a man that God started using almost right away post-betrayal to begin redemption in regards to male leadership outside of my husband. 

Click here for the Epilogue

The Cost of Betrayal {Part 1}

Sometimes the high cost of betrayal sneaks up on me with no warning.

I was standing in my boss' office earlier this week in tears. Poor guy.

I was standing there, trying not to do that uncontrollable cry in front of him - failing for the most part. And he was sitting looking at me - contemplative and concerned.

We had a hard conversation but we were okay. And yet there it came, creeping up on me...literally. I could feel the burn of the tears start working their way up from my heart into my throat and straight for my eyes.  Darn it. I kept swallowing down the tears but the red flush taking over my neck and face were giving me away.

"What's going on? Why are you feeling this [conversation] so deeply?"

And the floodgates opened. I couldn't swallow back the tears any longer. I tried to laugh while a sob escaped and I choked out, "Because I'm a counselor. Because I hear things that aren't said out loud and I see things that most people don't. Because I have the gift of discernment and it sucks most of the time because I'm hardly ever believed. Because I hate working for ministries, I'm so frustrated."

And then I couldn't stop crying.
My poor boss.

About 10 years ago I was working at a church in the town where I live.  I had survived, barely, one conflict within our church staff already and was already labeled as a "troublemaker." So I was toeing the line, so to speak.  I regret that now by the way. I wasn't toeing the line, I was people pleasing and enabling the bad behavior of others and even myself to some extent. Anyway. In a series of events I switched 'departments' and moved from Children's Ministry to assistant to one of the Pastors.

The tricky part of the move was the Pastor I was now assisting also happened to be my current counselor. Oh that conflict I mentioned above? Yeah part of keeping my job was a requirement to be counseled by the counseling Pastor on staff. I should have quit my job dammit. So when I made the move to assisting him and also being counseled by him (are the warning bells clanging loudly in your head too?) I had more than one meeting with him in which I asked to get my own counselor so there wouldn't be a blurred line between my job and my personal life, of which he knew quite a bit by this point.  I was assured over and over again that he could maintain the separation.  So I eventually gave up asking and we continued on - employee and counselee.

Then it happened. As it had to. In what scenario does it ever work out that your boss can also be your counselor and keep it all separated and not use it against you to protect himself?  In no scenario, I'm proof of that. I have plenty of evidence to back it up.* 

To back up just a bit let me explain the culture of this staff that, in the end, contributed greatly to the betrayal coming my way.  It was a staff of men whom I called "The Boys" and lest one thinks that is a compliment let me set the record straight. It's not.  Not at all.  In fact, to be clear, the following phrases/terms are not compliments but warnings: "The Boys", "The Good 'ole Boys Club", "The Good 'ole Boys Network" or any other variation on that theme. And sometimes a woman or two sneak in and are a part of that 'club' so it's not necessarily gender specific all of the time. The conflict I had already endured was actually at the hands of a woman who was part of "The Boys" so really betrayal number one was thanks to a woman.  Women who join "The Boys" are more dangerous to themselves and others than the actual boys.

Accusations were being whispered around the hallways of the church and I had no idea. Some women of the church started a rumor that I made a claim about myself and the Pastor I was assisting that sounded like we had an inappropriate relationship. EW.
EW EW EW EW. 
*shudder*
*gag*
If you 1) saw this pastor you would know that my response is legit and 2) knew this pompous pastor you would know my response is legit.
I can only surmise, however, that he liked the idea that I might be harboring some sort of inappropriate feelings for him because what he did with the rumors is where the betrayal picks up momentum as it heads toward me. He told his wife, who by the way is more dangerous than any "Boys Club" - she is a force of her own, mean-spirited, critical, negative, self-righteous, I could go on but I won't. Together they devised a plan to save his reputation but let mine get run over until it resembled nothing but mangled heart and spirit.

The plan included taking the personal information they both knew about me from counseling sessions and using it as reasons for why I was unacceptable to work in or for a ministry and God himself. Then after they typed out their 2 pages of reasoning (I use that term about them in the lightest sense possible) he turned it over to "The Boys" and made his case. Oh, and by the way I had NO idea any of this was going on. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. I knew something was off but I couldn't figure out what it might be.  Now here's where the betrayal really gained ground and collision with me was the next stop.

"The Boys" read the 2 pages of complete lies and believed them without asking me for any input about myself. Yes, not once did someone approach me and ask to have an adult conversation in which I could have an opportunity to even be informed of what was being said and going on.  I was in the dark and I was kept in the dark.

I arrived at work one day, in the dark, and suddenly this Pastor is agreeable to have a "counseling session" with me even though one wasn't scheduled. Huh. Oookkkkaaay. And in the session, which let's be honest was more work related than personal related because this dude was delusional and could not keep the two separated, some things were said and suggested that got my attention. And suddenly the dark I had been in had some light dispelling it and I knew something was really wrong. I was asked to take an extended break and return to the office that afternoon about 5.  Um, gee I think I might know what that means.  (I'm not as stupid as some believe me to be.) 

So I returned at 5ish, after pacing the floor of my parents empty house and being told (literally) by God that I was going to get fired but everything was going to be okay. I called the hub, told him I was getting fired but I didn't know what for and would tell him when I got home. And then I showed up so the betrayal and I could finally meet face to face.

One of "The Boys" was in the office along with the Pastor who had a deep need to protect himself from any sort of accusations - true or false (I mentioned EW on my part but it's unclear about his feelings. EW.) I was handed two sheets of paper with lies and accusations neatly printed up on it and was told, not asked, that all of those words were true about me and my feelings and I was those words and therefore unfit for God and his people.  No, I'm not joking.

Huh. Anytime I opened my mouth and tried to dispute something I was told, not asked, to be quiet and just admit that all of this was true. Huh. I had no way out, they had backed me into a corner I didn't even realize existed and I was not allowed out of the corner.  They were attempting to put me in time out for the rest of my life. And not only that but they were also telling me to confess that I had inappropriate feelings for this Pastor. EW. I refused. I wouldn't do it because it was not true. 

Clearly I was fired because I wasn't fit for God and his people. But I was told that the story was I had quit by my own choice to focus on my family (dammit) and if any other version got out but that story there would be consequences. (Anyone else wondering why in the hell I bought that line of bully tactics?) I left in shock. I didn't know what to say, what to do. I couldn't believe the collision that had just taken place. I drove home but I don't remember how.

The betrayal had layers. Bullying, abuse, self-protection, lies (duh), and baggage. So much baggage. It seems to me, and those who walked with me through this time, that the most obvious baggage is that of now having a male boss. The last male boss, the Pastor/Counselor, I had betrayed me on deep levels. He used personal information about me to shame me into protecting his reputation. During my time as his assistant I endured abusive behavior from him and his wife. They used me to protect themselves and their bad behavior. I was used as their scapegoat for all sorts of things that I will keep private, there's no good now in rehashing them. They bullied me into keeping unhealthy secrets about them and their family. They were toxic and slowly, as a successful poisoning happens, poisoned me for their purposes. I almost, figuratively, died. But they cut me loose before I could perish and for that I am grateful.  While the betrayal was, and still is, deeply painful it was also my saving grace. While the women who started rumors about an inappropriate relationship are no longer welcome to even be spoken of in my presence I am grateful; their lying tongues ensured that the slow poison of this man and his wife to take me out was preempted. And I survived.

But I didn't walk away without scars and cuts so deep that 10 years later, standing in my current boss' office, the bleeding was still happening.



*I've briefly talked about this before but not so candidly. Those thoughts are found here, here, and here.

Click here for Part 2

Grabs to Grips

Have you ever known someone (maybe you were the someone) who outgrew reality and was attempting to make a power play?  Maybe it was in their workplace, their family, a ministry, or some other venue.  And like a car wreck in slow motion others can see it happening but are helpless to do anything to stop it.

I've watched this happen a time or two. In fact I was part of the wreck once upon a time. I got tangled up in someone's grab for power. It wasn't fun.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I was reminded of someone who made a grab for power, tangled several people up in it, and it ended predictably.  In a wreck. It always ends in predictable ways, always.

Quite a few years ago there was this dude named Haman.  He was a cocky and arrogant man who outgrew reality.  His boss, King Xerxes, was on the hunt for a new piece of arm candy and he finally picked one. This girl was beautiful. She was the talk of the town. She was also Jewish but nobody knew because her Uncle, Mordecai, had asked her to keep it quiet. During Esther's crowning as the new Queen, Haman thought it would be great to require people to bow down to him in honor.  His boss had suggested it but as the story continues one gets the idea that perhaps it wasn't his idea but Haman's.  Mordecai refused and Haman was offended. He found out that Mordecai was Jewish so he hatched a plan. He decided it was time for a little ethnic cleansing and he made a grab for power.  He plotted and schemed to wipe the Jewish people off the face of the map. He didn't know his new Queen was one of those people he wanted to get rid of. Oops. He approached his boss with an idea that was genocide but Xerxes wasn't smart enough to figure that out so he okayed it.  Haman was strutting around like a rooster in heat. Since his boss thought that idea was good he forgot that he wasn't the boss and started making decisions and decrees without clearing them by Xerxes first. Oops. Mordecai caught wind of the plan to kill off the Jews, asked Esther - his niece and the Queen - to do something about it and she hatched her own plan.  Esther saw Haman for who he was, a power hungry arrogant racist.  By the time she executed her plan things were already starting to unravel for power hungry Haman.  So he turned from trying to grab power to keeping a death grip on the job he had.  You know the death grip I'm talking about?  That one where you are gripping on to something so tightly that your knuckles turn white and you choke the proverbial life out of it.  That kind of death grip. When all was said and done, Haman's power grab had turned into a death grip which turned into literal death for him.

It doesn't always end in literal death but it always ends in some kind of death; career, relationships, spiritual, mental, etc.  Power grabs and death grips turn something that could be beneficial and unifying into divisive and toxic. Power grabs always turn into death grips and death grips always mark the end for that person.  It usually takes longer than anyone else likes but the end is always near at the point a death grip has been established. When it turns from a grab to a grip the spoils begin to stack up and smell. It's like way back in the day when the nation of Israel was making laps in the desert and God provided manna for them each day.  It was fresh for that day only. If you tried to keep some of it for the next day you would wake up to rotting manna which I understand was rather unpleasant. This is kind of what happens when the grip takes over. Things start spoiling and smelling, it gets foul real quick.  And innocent people get tangled up and have to feel the brunt of the consequences along with the power hungry jerk. It's no fun.

So what can be done about those who are grabbing and gripping?  Esther and her Uncle Mordecai provide a great example for us to follow; wisely approach those with true authority to plead the case, interact with the power monger in a "wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove" manner, and remain humble yourself so you don't turn into the next power hungry jerk.  See, we all have the capability to be one - some of us the tendency is a bit more obvious, but others of us fall into it without even realizing it, until it is too late that is.

I've been thinking about this recently because I happen to be watching it happen in that slow motion, feeling helpless to stop it with someone. It's painful, more so for the innocent people who are being run over by the power monger but also for that person because they don't know the damage they are causing...yet. When Haman figured out the damage he had caused it was too late, that's true of every situation where grabbing and gripping happens. The perpetrator can't recover from it in time to save the damage done.  It's so painful.  My heart literally aches and hurts watching people get run over, arrogance stinking up the hallways, damage happening in ways we can't even see yet but will in time. Simply put, it's not okay.

So if you are the grabber watch out because you are going to be gripping soon and that marks an end. Get help now, before it is too late. (Nope, not just being dramatic here.) If you are an innocent bystander watching grabbing and gripping happening in slow motion and feeling helpless then take heart. Gather your courage and go appeal to others, sometimes the accident is avoided. We can work together to avoid the predictable outcome of power grabbing and death gripping.  Together we can take the power back, if necessary, and put it in its place where it belongs.

Simply put, don't be a grabber and a gripper.  It is so unattractive!

Here's some resources I found to be very helpful:
12 Signs of Power Hungry Pastors (But really it's not just signs for Pastors, these are signs for anyone who is power hungry - this article is spot on.)
How to Manage Power-Mongering Co-Workers (excellent article, spot on)
Power in the right and wrong hands (well thought out article)
Are you power hungry?  (We need to be honest with ourselves)
Why Power Hungry Bosses Are Weaker Than You Think (and than they think too!)

3:12:72 (A Friendship Formula)

Over the past decade or so I've been trying to live out my friendships according to a formula that was modeled for me, and you, many years ago.  I call it 3:12:72.  It's a formula that helps me keep relationships and people in proper perspective.

3:12:72 was first modeled for me, and you, waaaaaaay back in the day of Jesus. Yep, I had to bring him into this.  But I want, and need, to give credit where credit is due so he's part of this.  Jesus had his three, his twelve, and then his seventy-two.  The 72 might be a few more or a few less, no biggie. I don't want to get tangled up in details that don't actually matter. *grin*

The 72 came and went and most likely included people who were part of the parables Jesus used to teach others.  These were people who liked Jesus, they were intrigued and moved by his teachings, they felt a pull toward his radical ideas.  But they were also people who had families and businesses and communities that thought they might be a wee bit strange.  So these people came and went. Sometimes they traveled with Jesus for a few days, maybe even a week, but then the pull of life took them back to their homes.  I do think that each time they were pulled toward Jesus and then pushed back home they took Jesus and his radical ideas back into their communities where discussions and ponderings continued about this man tromping around saying and doing some pretty crazy things.

The twelve: Peter, James (son of Zebedee), John, Andrew, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, Matthew, James, Simon the Zealot, Thaddaeus-Judas, Judas Iscariot.  Out of the *72* the twelve were picked by Jesus.  He specifically called them by name and they went. They were compelled in a deeper way than the group they came out of to trust this crazy guy just a bit more. Their families understood, their businesses kept running from the help of others, their communities maybe even were a little impressed that they were called by the crazy, yet super cool, dude stirring up the pot with the Pharisees.  They thought a little more about the things they were hearing and seeing. They asked questions and wrestled while traveling with this man.  They weren't willing to go back to what life had been without Jesus in it.

And then there were the three: Peter, James (son of Zebedee), and John. The three who were also part of the 12.  Yes, Jesus was God but Jesus was also man.  And as all wo/men know, we click with some more than we click with others. And it's okay, it really is.  So these three Jesus clicked with a little more and in different ways than the other 9.  And it really was okay. These three got *it*.  They had a potential in them that Jesus knew he could trust. They might have done or said stupid things from time to time but they got Jesus. Peter, I always feel the closest to him, summed up this deeper devotion to Jesus well when this conversation happened:
When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”
“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”
Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”
And then this conversation later on:
On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”
Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit[a] and life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Jesus had his three, his twelve, and his *seventy-two*. How he interacted with the people who fell into those groups serves as a model for us and our relationships today. There were appropriate levels of intimacy, interaction, and expectations as he spent time with a "3", a "12", or a "72".

Interacting with a "72" meant that expectations were lower because of things like uncertainty about this guy and all of his radical ideas, or because they didn't spend the kind of 24/7 time with Jesus to see him in all kinds of circumstances, or because there was a trust between them and him that only reached so far.  And that was okay. It meant Jesus reserved the harder teachings for the 12, it meant that he wasn't going to reveal the Kingdom of God in its total reality to others outside of the 12, and he wasn't going to call the 72 by name and ask them to drop their nets and follow him on land.  It was all okay.  Each "72" he interacted with never felt slighted or like Jesus reserved himself from them. He still made the interaction personal, warm, unique but with boundaries.  And boundaries are okay.

We got to see the interactions with the twelve.  We have been able to witness how Jesus opened himself up to them and shared deep and hard things with love. He led them, he loved them, he did what he could to draw out their potential, he placed trust in them when others questioned it, he broke bread with them, he walked with them, he lived out a fulfillment of the Law for them.  And yet, even with these precious men he drew boundaries. He would go off to pray, sometimes none were invited and other times only three were invited. With the nine he gave important tasks and spoke about important things but sometimes the three got a little more.  He didn't have expectations of complete loyalty to him from the 12.  He knew, without them knowing at times, that some would struggle and did struggle with him and what he was saying and doing.  And yet he loved them and lived life with them and kept his expectations of them realistic with the help of boundaries. And boundaries are okay.

Then there were three. These three got to witness some pretty spectacular things with Jesus. They got invited on special hikes, sacred garden spots, and tasked with being proxy children. They weren't perfect but Jesus knew he could trust them 100%, he knew stuff about them they didn't know about themselves. He built his kingdom on them. He told them far more than he told anyone else because he knew they would keep it to themselves until the time was right. They might have messed up from time to time but he knew they loved him. His expectations of them were a bit higher because he knew they would live up to them even if they didn't know it yet.  He could look at any of the three and they could understand what he wasn't saying. The other nine couldn't read him that well.  It's okay, Jesus didn't want or need everyone to read him that well. And even with these three he had boundaries but they were different and less reserved.  And boundaries are okay.

*You* are a pretty smart person, I'm guessing *you* have figured out the model by now.  Our relationships fall into the 3:12:72 and we are someone's 3, 12, or 72.

In my relationships with people they always start off as a "72".  Some stay there and others move closer to the 12 kind of relationship.  Very few are in my 3 zone. And that's how it should be. The 3 zone shouldn't be crowded.  A three in my life is someone who has loved me despite me. Who has lived through my ugly and painful times with me and still I have somehow managed to keep them as a friend.  As the book of Ecclesiastes points out, there is a season for everything. And that extends to even the 3:12:72 formula.  Some people in my life have gone from being a 3 to bypassing 72 never to be seen or heard from again. You know what?  That's okay. It's okay that there are seasons of relationship and that every now and then people in my life shift and I have to readjust expectations and interactions.  I have to do it with people and they have to do it with me.  Sometimes we are aware and other times it happens without awareness.  The older I get the more I understand that it's okay. It's okay to be in and out of season with people, it's okay to have boundaries and stick to them, it's okay to reevaluate someone and adjust accordingly.  It's really okay, and actually it's really the most healthy.

I didn't realize at first that I was modeling this formula for relationships, it just happened.  But once I realized what I was doing and why, I understood the relief I had been feeling. I understood why it had become easier for me to be in relationship with more difficult people.  I was able to approach people and even situations with a clear perspective on expectations of that person and myself in regard to that person because of who they were in my life; a "72" I don't expect a whole lot from, I keep that relationship to the basics with maybe a more personal tidbit thrown in here or there. But I always attempt to interact with that person in a way that doesn't make them feel like they are "just a 72."  A "12" I still attempt to keep fairly low expectations of but I have noticed that I can trust them with the personal parts of me a bit more. So I share a little more deeply.  And a "3"?  Well they know the good, the bad, the ugly and still seem to like me!  It always awes me a bit.  I'm one of the most unlikeable people I know. But my three's seem to be blinded to that. I am grateful.  Everyone needs some three's.  Everyone needs some of all the 3:12:72 because I have experienced that having some of all provides us with balance and perspective. And we all could use a little more of that, couldn't we?

The Last Word

It's been a year, so far, of lessons in "the last word." I believe we all have the desire to have the last word in a matter that offends who we think we are or a belief we hold. Some of us give in to the desire and others of us step back from it. Have you stepped back from having the last word? It's hard isn't it? Somehow the lie has been planted that if we don't have the last word then we have lost the debate and the other person has won. Was this lie planted because of the insecurity of the flesh? Or because of the competitive nature of humans? Well regardless, the need to have the last word creates ugly behavior, hurtful words, and resentful hearts.

In the spring I got into a rather heated argument with someone. It takes a lot for me to yell at someone and I yelled. I did, however, stop short of saying things I would regret for days, weeks, and months to come.  But I did yell at someone. That wasn't okay and I did apologize for it later without using the "however" that I really wanted to.  After we resolved the disagreement as much as we could I got an email from this person.  I call this email "the last word." They couldn't handle not getting in the last word. So I let them. I read the email and the attachment of last words in bolded red and took a deep breath and then dragged it into a folder and went about my day. I gave the person the satisfaction of having the last word because it clearly was very important to them and their ego (other people were copied on the email as well so that it could be noted that this person was important and putting me in my place).  There are two main reasons I let the last word be theirs and not mine. One reason because I didn't want to give this person any more power or sway over my emotions and state of mind. They had already pushed me to yell, that was enough.  Secondly I felt like my silence might speak louder, eventually, than anything else I could say (and believe me, there was plenty more I could have said). I wasn't insecure, uncertain, or regretful of anything I had said and the views I was offering. I was confident that I had valid points that were worth considering.  Thema Davis said, "Have the maturity to know that sometimes silence is more powerful than having the last word." Having the last word usually ends up making us look weak, insecure, immature, and slightly ridiculous. Believe me, the bolded red statements said a lot about this person and their ego/pride. I'm pretty sure my silence said something about mine as well.

Then another opportunity to practice this lesson popped up rather unexpectedly. A disagreement from a few years ago resurrected, but only very briefly. I was asked a question. I gave a careful reply. The response was a warm-up to the last word. I replied only to the things I believed necessitated a response and ignored other parts all together. The response back was "the last word." It was saturated in toxic emotional waste. It smelled of pride. Self-righteousness was the soundtrack. I did respond back with a brief statement that clearly we disagreed and that was okay and I would no longer be in communication about the topic. So did I have the last word or did the other person? They had the last word because their communication was typical of the motives and intents behind last word conversations. Out of respect I choose not to address, again, any of the issues or answer any questions or concede and politely end the interaction. Again, I was confident in my observations and opinions - I felt no need to attempt to justify them or to defend them.  That confidence meant I was empowered to step back from the last word temptation and I didn't get caught up in an emotional tangle. Word choices and examples from the other person indicated that they were tripped up in an emotional tangle that included insecurity.

I've been tripped up in the last word before and I never feel good about it afterward. Having the last word never gives me any satisfaction, the sense of victory, or empowerment. In fact having the last word usually means that I spend the next few days stewing and thinking of more last words to say and different rebuttals for imaginary arguments. So really, having the last word drives me a little bit insane. But when I step back from having the last word then I step into freedom. I don't dwell on the conflict, I don't give much thought at all to the situation. In short, I move on.


Are you one who needs to have the last word? Have you ever considered why that is? 
Are one who steps back from the temptation to get in the last word? What are your reasons why you don't and won't engage?

The Speech of Fools

Jun 2nd, 9:38pm
I am not happy to be woke up to be asked for money by your radio station. So what if the law says you can. You lost a loyal listener.

Jun 9th, 3:38pm
We apologize for any inconvenience you experienced recently regarding our radio station. We do our best to be mindful of time zones and times of day that is acceptable for phone calls. We won't always be perfect with the call times so we are very sorry that you were awoken by our call, we wouldn't have liked it nor appreciated it either. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience. Sincerely, Radio Station

Jun 9th, 3:41pm
No worries. Sad that you have to make phone calls for money.

Jun 9th, 4:18pm
In part asking for money is part of our station mission because we desire listener support and to have flexibility that being owned by a corporation wouldn't allow. The cost of running a radio station in any one area, not to mention in several areas as this radio station is, requires that we invite people (and businesses) to invest in the station itself. If we were a corporation run radio station and owned by a conglomerate then we would have a lot more funds available to us to air the station but we wouldn't have the freedoms we have with content, etc. We made the decision years ago, by being a listener supported station, that the pros outweighed the cons for our particular goals and mission. This means that we do pledge drives and we make follow up phone calls to previous and current listeners asking if they would like to be an impact partner to keep this radio station in their local communities. It is our hope that you will understand the position we are in as we try to reach people with God in this particular format. Sincerely, Radio Station

Jun 9th, 5:02pm
Budget better and don't call people. Extend your pledge drive.

Jun 10th, 6:08am
Thank you for your suggestions.

Yep. That's an actual conversation I had with someone not too long ago. I didn't make a word of it up, it's all verbatim. I was fine until the highlighted response. Really? I mean, gee we hadn't thought about a budget. Huh, we'll have to give that a go. *scratches head*

Unbelievable. We all can be unbelievably ridiculous when we presume to be an expert on something we know nothing about or when we think the answer is so black and white. Unbelievable.

The conversation I had with the listener above reminded me to quit being unbelievably ridiculous. Don't speak into something that isn't black and white, that I don't know anything about, that I haven't taken the time to look into and get the facts. When I open my mouth and speak about things that I actually know nothing about all I end up doing is alienating people and looking like a fool.

There are proverbs that speak about fools and their speech. I wince when I read a proverb about how a fool talks and realize I have been a fool from time to time. Proverbs 18:2 says, "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions." OUCH. I don't know about *you* but that stings a bit. In my conversation the disgruntled listener I gave some fairly clear understanding in my explanation of why we choose to ask for money. Their response proved that they didn't care about understanding, just in doling out their version of advice. That listener, in that conversation, was the fool.

Customer Service always provides a lot of great examples for foolish people and interactions.  A few months ago I was engaged in another conversation with a disgruntled listener and this proverb came to life, "Don’t answer fools when they speak foolishly, or you will be just like them.  Answer fools when they speak foolishly, or they will think they are really wise." (Proverbs 26:4-5)  Wait. What? It says don't answer them or you look like a fool but then it says if you don't answer them they think they have won the "argument."  Well, which is it?  It turns out it is both! Some situations we should apply the first idea and in other situations we should apply the second. The offended listener that helped me navigate this particular proverb took us through both scenarios. The complaint came in so I, in the spirit of the second way to answer a fool, sent a reply back. The person was very unhappy with my crafted response so they responded back (see Proverbs 18:2 above for an idea of their response) and I was then compelled to respond according to scenario number 1 which is to not respond at all.  This made them extra mad because by this point it was clear I was supposed to take their side and change our entire programming just to please them and their opinions of which they didn't want to take a deeper look at to examine for change.  So I answered for understanding and then I didn't answer because there didn't need to be two fools attempting to converse.

I realize both of these examples don't seem to put me in the fool category but believe me, I've been the fool plenty of times in my 41 years of life. We all have had moments of playing the fool and being the wise. The key to being mature about it is when we can recognize our foolishness and 'fess up to it before too many other people notice it, are alienated by it, or have to deal with us because of it.  Confucius said, "To know that one knows what one knows, and to know that one doesn't know what one doesn't know, there lies true wisdom." The older I get the more aware of what it is I don't know, so shouldn't speak about, and what I do know, and should only speak about when invited or strongly compelled by the Holy Spirit.

I'm grateful for these recent interactions that have caused me to examine myself to make sure I'm not behaving and speaking like a fool. It doesn't mean I don't ever play the fool but I'm becoming more and more aware of when I'm headed in that direction.  And I'd rather keep that information to myself than let it be known to others. *grin*
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." (This wise quote is attributed to many people. Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain being two of them.)

Same Place, Different Angle

Have you ever stood, whether it is literally or figuratively, in the same place as someone and yet when you compared what you saw it was very different things?  Perhaps you each noticed different people or different tones of voice. Perhaps each of you picked up different verbal and non-verbal signals or nuances.  Maybe the same place you are standing has more than one problem, issue, or topic to focus on and each of you have been drawn to different ones.  Have you ever stood in that same place with someone and been amazed, or maybe frustrated, that what is being experienced isn't the same but in fact very different?

In a much simpler vein have you ever stood in the same exact place as someone and you both snapped a picture and when you looked at them you had both captured different perspectives of the same exact scene? My first trip to NYC we went to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. Walking around the island that is home to Lady Liberty my brother and I both spied a great shot for a picture. Without discussing it or perhaps even realizing we had both seen the exact same shot we stopped and each of us took a picture. We even crouched in a similar manner to get in the shot what we both had seen.  Our pictures came out the same but yet very different. He was somehow able to capture things about the shot that I didn't see or pick up on.

Take a look at the following pictures. They are of the same exact places but taken from different perspectives.  Meet me below after you look through the pictures. *wink*

Central Park, New York City

The Forbidden City, Beijing China

Hollywood Sign, California

Las Vegas Strip, Nevada

Little Mermaid, Copenhagen Denmark

Mona Lisa, The Louvre

Mont St. Michel, France

Mount Rushmore, South Dakota

Niagara Falls, New York/Canada

Pyramids of Giza, Egypt

Rock of Gibraltar, Iberian Peninsula

Sagrada Familia, Barcelona Spain

Santorini, Greece

St Basil's Cathedral, Moscow Russia

Stonehenge, United Kingdom

The Acropolis, Athens Greece

The Alamo, Texas

The Arc de Triomphe, Paris

The Brandenburg Gate, Berlin Germany

The Great Wall of China ends abruptly as soon as it reaches the ocean

The Pantheon of Rome, Italy

The Taj Mahal, India

I am fascinated by the above perspective pictures. Neither picture invalidates what is being looked at, it just provides a different angle, a different view, a different perspective on that (in the case of these pictures) landmark/historical marker.

This happens all the time in life and it is an opportunity for collaboration or conflict. I can't keep track of the number of times someone else and I have stood in the same place on an issue or something but we have had very different views of how to execute it or approach it or settle it. Does that mean that one of us doesn't have valid ideas, thoughts, etc? No, it just means that we are coming at it differently and for some reason, in our culture, if we do that then we must be at odds and gather people on sides and make some noise. Why? Why is that "a thing"? Why can't we agree to agree and agree to disagree and honor the other person's intentions and motivations as they have been expressed sincerely, passionately, and with a desire for improvement?  Why are we threatened when someone expresses a different perspective than we hold?  Expression is different than demanding by the way. When someone demands of me to hold their opinion, perspective, or ideology then I shut down, dig in my heels, and refuse to budge.  The same happens if I demand someone hold my opinions. Expressing and demanding are two very different approaches to differing thoughts.

Sometimes I have to take a step back to gain a clearer view. And sometimes I have to take a step forward to see something closer. There are times I need to stretch on to my tippy toes for a look and other times I have to crouch way down.  Distance and position determine the view I have and in order to have the most complete perspective I can, it's beneficial for me to do all I can to see it from every angle possible. The more angles I view something from, the more complete the picture is for me. That benefits me and those I interact with. Sometimes our pristine or sterile view of something needs to get a little filthy with a touch of reality.  If we have a messy perspective on something it could use a little shot of sterility. Both are okay because both remind us that there is a bigger story than what we know.

Next time you find yourself looking at someone or something and you are shoulder to shoulder with someone who is looking at the same thing but expressing a different perspective, try this; switch places.  Clear your mind, blink your eyes, do your best to remove what keeps you from seeing the fuller picture and look with new eyes, open mind, softened heart.

What do you see now?

*Perspective Photos found at this site.