Diary of My Wimpy Faith

I imagine a dark night, a few stars, maybe a crescent moon. I imagine the wrestling “mat” must have been a dirt clearing, perhaps surrounded by brush. Was Jacob breathing heavily? And if so, was it from physical exertion or from fear? Maybe it was from both. Did he circle God for a while? Unsure if he should make the first move or ANY move? Unsure of why he was suddenly in a wrestling match with God? Did his mind go back to a time when he and Esau were young boys wrestling one another – sometimes for fun, sometimes not? Except this wrestling match wasn’t for fun, no this time it was for keeps. What? Yeah, for keeps. God wanted to be the keeper of Jacob’s faith but he had to pin him first.


I’ve seen some wrestling matches before and the two opponents will make a few swipes at the other before moving in for a bolder move. Sometimes the swipes are made out of intimidation, sometimes they are meant to intimidate. Was this how it went on for a while between Jacob and God? A few swipes here and there? A sort of testing of the waters before diving in? I close my eyes and see the circling, the distance between God and Jacob so that no move can be made without being bold. I wonder about Jacob. Was he scared? Confused? Impatient? Maybe I put too much of myself on him and his responses to this situation he has found himself in. How long was it before someone made a move? Had it been hours or just minutes of circling? WHO made the first move? I wonder that too.


Eventually a move was made. Jacob seemed to put up quite a fight because God had to put him in his place, so to speak. What I find fascinating is that by this time Jacob was hanging on for dear life. And he refused to let go without a blessing. Again, I must be putting too much of myself onto Jacob. Inflict pain on me and I’m letting go, I’m not going to ask for anything more. But he tightened his hold and said, “Nope. I’m not letting go of you until I get the blessing.” What kind of faith is that and how can I get a good dose of it? I assume it was Jacob’s growing faith that tightened its grip on the person of God.


I’m such a wimp and I think my faith proves it. I would have let go. What does that say about me?


In case you didn’t know I have lived in a bubble my whole life. I’m not alone in my bubble for all around me I see other Christians living in the same bubble. (Hey, I can go THERE because I come from there okay? Just hang with me on this thought!) Living in this Christian bubble has had its ups and downs. I’d say one of the downs is that I haven’t ever really wrestled with God over my faith. Hey when you are told in the nursery that you believe in Jesus and are going to heaven you buy it. But at some point you have to realize that you believe in Jesus when you make your own exploration of him and determine on your own that he is your Savior and then you make your own personal confession with your own lips and heart. I’ve done that but I have never wrestled with God over the foundation of faith in him.


I never have.


That is until NOW.


I’m on the mat with God. I like to think my “mat” isn’t dirt and brush given my aversion to both of those. Haha! But then again wrestling is uncomfortable for me and I believe God needs me out of my comforts so that I will grab on to him with a death grip and refuse to let go. But I’m afraid to make the move. So all God and I are doing is circling each other and if you listen to me close enough you will hear me breathing heavily from fear. Fear that I’m going to have to make a move and take a swipe at God and he’s going to pin me and I KNOW I need to be pinned! I do! I need to be pinned by God, to see faith for what it is according to God and not according to me or anyone else, to get the blessing that he WANTS to give me. I need to be pinned but I’m afraid to be pinned.


I wonder what went through Jacob’s mind the night he wrestled with God. He fought God so much that eventually God had to make a move that would be a reminder to Jacob for the rest of his years about his match. Did he argue with God? Did he try to justify himself? Did he try to run? Did he actually think, actually believe he could win over God?!?


Do I?


Do I argue with God? Do I justify myself? Do I run? Do I believe I can beat God?!?


Yes. Yes. Yes. NOPE.


My night is turning into several long, draining months. What is the most exhausting is circling the mat and not making the move. I just need to make the move before God decides enough is enough and he wrenches my “hip socket”. I know God knows what I’m wrestling with internally as I circle him. I believe he knew the same thing about Jacob as well. Which is why I think he finally made the first bold move. Jacob, however, made the second and greatest bold move and I really think his decision to put a death grip on God pleased God. It became the greatest and strongest show of faith that Jacob had ever displayed. It takes me to Job and his own death grip, “Though he [God] slay me yet I will hope in him.” (Job 13:15) Once the decision for immovable faith was made, these men put the death grip on and could not be moved from it until the Lord blessed them for it.


Oh that I would follow suit.


As I circle the mat with God I know there are people who are observing and thinking I am circling away from God. But I’m not. I find myself circling closer and closer to him as I wrestle with the immovable faith and trust I need to be grounded upon.


“God, are you enough in a crisis?”


“God, can I trust you with the hurts?”


“God, will you defend me to my ‘enemies’?”


“God, are you truly going to provide for our needs?”


“God, are you really good all of the time?”


These are just some of the things that I think I am wrestling with internally. My head, of course, knows the answer to all of those questions and others is YES. But my heart isn’t so sure and I, in fact all of us, live out of our hearts and sometimes the 18 or so inches between head and heart is such a large gap to bridge. That’s where the death grip comes in. I think the gap will be bridged when I make the “death grip” move. In that moment I will be settled with a strong assurance of my faith in the One who created me and loves me enough to circle the mat with me. Hopefully he won’t have to wrench my “hip socket” in order to get me to make the move.


Not only did Jacob walk away from that night and that wrestling match with a limp as a reminder of his immovable faith but he also walked away with a new name. What promise that holds for those who are brave enough to wrestle with God, put a death grip on him, and find their immovable faith! Don’t be mistaken about the courage it takes to wrestle God. It takes bravery to enter into a match with the God of this universe. It takes bravery to throw all your questions, doubts, and fears at God and make a move that says, “I can’t let go of you until you settle all of this with me.” Does it mean he’ll answer all the questions? Address all the doubts? Confront all the fears? No. What it means is that he will do something greater than that. He will give a peace that passes ALL understanding and comprehension and he will give grace to live with and work through those things while faith grows strong and steady. That kind of bravery earns a new name from God! Jacob, I mean Israel, earned his name.


Oh that I will follow suit.


 
Genesis 32:22-31



Jacob Wrestles With God
That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared." The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip.