Unpacking the baggage of life

Today my oldest redhead started 6th grade. She bolted out of the car this morning without so much as a glance in my direction and I drove away with tears pouring down my face. (She would be so confused if she had seen the tears, I’ve been waiting for this day all summer!) Memories of my 6th grade year are flooding me and sometimes those memories make me feel like I am drowning. To this very day I carry some of that year with me. I still battle lies fed to me and I still engage in coping behaviors in moments of extreme stress or emotional distress that were created as a result of that year. YUCK.

This summer I hauled some luggage around the world. I simultaneously bemoaned and rejoiced over the 50 pound weight limit. Have you carried 50 pounds of dead weight? WHEW. I was certainly thankful for the wheels on my luggage that allowed me to navigate with a degree of ease. I also hauled a different kind of weight this summer. The 30 pounds that I have lost to date. My trainer could see that I was having a hard time believing my weight loss so he made me carry the weight I have lost. WHEW. I am certainly thankful for losing that weight so that I can navigate my life with a degree of ease. Both kinds of weight made me feel awkward and loaded down. When I was free of them I moved as if I were floating! What a huge difference!

My sixth grade year is a weight that I carried around for years. The sad part is I didn’t even know it! The year actually started out good. We began the year with a substitute teacher because our teacher had a heart attack over the summer and was still recuperating. With his arrival the year spiraled downward. He decided to hate me. For real. He picked on me, he taunted and mocked me in class, nothing I ever did was good enough, and he tried to fail me in several subjects. My mom was in my classroom and the Principal’s office more times than I can remember trying to address the obvious issues with this teacher. I was feeling pretty low. I remember thinking that if I just tried harder, just submitted even more that maybe he would like me. But nothing I ever did was good enough, nothing I said was ever right, and I was worthless. I crouched in a corner of my heart and tried to hide from the world. Nothing helped the wounds that had been dealt my heart.


A few years ago the Lord was gracious to me and showed me what I picked up in 6th grade. I was limping along through my life trying to carry this cumbersome load. It was pretty heavy baggage. But he showed me how to let it go, how to unpack the baggage and lighten my load. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) I was burdened and therefore I was a burden to people in my life! I learned that when I’m burdened it doesn’t just stay contained within me; it seeps out and weighs down people who interact with me. YUCK.


God took me through a process in which I had to go back to sixth grade for a brief moment and pinpoint what I was led to believe, unknowingly, during that time. It didn’t matter that my mom had come to my defense and believed in me. What was said and done to me far outweighed what good she had done. Unfortunately I find that to be true of so many people in the world today. It is easier to believe the negative things about ourselves than to believe the positive things. But all that does is end up weighing us down with fear, shame, guilt, controlling behaviors, and the list goes on and on. Raise your hand if you want to keep hauling THAT baggage around with you! No thank you! As God pinpointed things in my life that were a direct result of that year of school I was able to look at them through the filter of his word and slowly I began to unpack that baggage. And my load became lighter as I gave over to him the things that I thought were true of me and picked up what he really has to say about me. As I unpacked the baggage he began to remind me of things he had placed in me all those years ago. I started to unfold from my crouched position and look forward to what he said he wanted to do through me. "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18-19) He wouldn’t allow me to hide any longer; he was putting me in a new place to do the things he had purposed for me so long ago. (Ephesians 2:10) I began to feel the freedom of walking through life without the load! What a huge difference it makes in my relationship with God, my relationships with others, and how I navigate through this life I have been given!


Last week my mom looked at me with dread on her face. “Oh no, she got a male teacher for 6th grade.” And I took a deep breath. She and I both have the same memories of my sixth grade year but the memories have affected us in different ways. I smiled and said, “It’s going to be good, it’s going to be okay.” And you know what? It will be!

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten….” (Joel 2:25a)

A most unusual life compass

"Truth is the torch that gleams through the fog without dispelling it." Claude Adrien Helvetius

It came out of nowhere. One second it was clear and the next second I was enveloped in fog as thick as a hearty stoup. It was so bad that I could barely see three feet before me. A car happened to be in front of me so I accelerated just enough to stay close and follow. They didn't seem as intimidated as I by the thick fog. I followed for a few minutes but their speed was making me feel uneasy so I backed off. The fog closed in around me. I started to panic. What should I do? Should I pull over and wait for it to clear? That could be hours! Another car came up from behind and passed me, going at a speed I thought was stupid considering the intensity of the fog. I spotted the white line to my right and was reminded that in driver's ed all those years ago we were told that when in doubt follow the white line. Right on top of this practical reminder I considered that my tendency to follow others who may or may not be overly confident could result in a huge mess.

And then it all became clear in my heart.

In the past I have followed others who were more confident navigating the unknown. And even though they were going at a speed that made me uneasy I followed because I had forgotten about the white line. God was using this night as a reminder that he is the white line in my life and if I follow him I will get to my destination safely. Following others is never a guarantee I will arrive safely. I may crash before the destination, all the while the white line is right there as my compass. "Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the desert. By day the pillar of cloud did not cease to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night to shine on the way they were to take." (Nehemiah 9:19 NIV)

So take a deep breath, Beth, and look at the white line. Follow it.

My heart was beating hard, my hands were clammy, my stomach churning. I focused on the white line, my hands gripping the steering wheel. I leaned forward and continued. Other cars passed me at breakneck speeds, but I ignored them and kept my eyes on the white line. God's revelation to me echoing over and over in my head. The truth of it being driven home as my heart and mind reviewed all the crash and burns I have experienced because I had taken my eyes off the white line. I followed that white line all the way to my neighborhood and pulled into the garage with relief. I sat there for a minute before going in.

Okay, Lord I got that lesson loud and clear. I really get it. No matter what I do or what I am called upon to do I gotta keep my eyes fixed on him.

The gift of the moment

This moment. That moment. Our days are made up of moments. I've been taking a crash course in moments. God is the instructor. It is a TOUGH course! I have pop quizzes daily ~ and it is the same question every day!

Beth, how will you respond to THIS moment?

Some moments are made for laughter. "A cheerful heart is good medicine,but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

Some moments are made for tears. "He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." Psalm 126:6

There are moments for repentance. "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

And then there are the moments of grace. "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

I have discovered that with God's grace I can be laughing so hard one minute that I am not breathing and the very next minute I can be weeping with the compassion of God for someone.

I am learning that each moment is from the hand of God. They are ALL his doing, whether they are disappointments or victories. Each moment is ripe with purpose, with potenial. My response determines how they will impact my life. Will I despise the moments of my life or will I embrace them?

It's time for letting go//All of our if only's//'Cause we don't have a time machine//And even if we did//Would we really want to use it?//Would we really want to go change everything//'Cause we are who and where and what we are for now//And this is the only moment we can do anything about//So breathe it in and breathe it out//Listen to your heartbeat//There's a wonder in the here and now//It's right there in front of you//And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment//There's only One who knows//What's really out there waiting//In all the moments yet to be//And all we need to know//Is He's out there waiting//To Him the future's history//And He has given us a treasure called right now//And this is the only moment we can do anything about//So breathe it in and breathe it out//Listen to your heartbeat//There's a wonder in the here and now//It's right there in front of you//And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment//And if it brings you tears//Then taste them as they fall//Let them soften your heart//And if it brings you laughter//Then throw your head back//And let it go//Let it go, yeah//You gotta let it go//And listen to your heartbeat//And breathe it in and breathe it out//And listen to your heartbeat//There's a wonder in the here and now//It's right there in front of you//And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment (Miracle of the Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman from the new release This Moment)

I'm making the intentional choice to breathe all the moments of my life in. I can think of no better way to live in the moment God has gifted me with!

The deception of a perfect world

In my perfect world I...

am a size 6/8

am SUPER wife

am SUPER mom

need no sleep

live in a spotless house

am right with every decision I make

am the best friend anyone ever had

excel at everything I put my hand to

say all the right things at all the right moments

am the first SUPER human ever.

In my real world I...

am a size...what are you crazy?!?! A woman never gives away her weight/size!

am an average wife

am an okay mom

need more and more sleep the older I get

live in a house that is "lived in"

make wrong decisions at least once a day

am not the best friend anyone has ever had

fail more than I excel

open mouth and insert foot more often than not

just blend in with the rest of the human race.

Everyone has their perfect world. But I don't know anyone who lives it.

I am confronted with letting go of my perfect world in order to embrace God's world. I encounter God's world everyday and it clashes with mine and then the gauntlet is thrown down. His or mine? Choosing his always means dying to my definition of "priority".

I've experienced the freedom of picking up the gauntlet and accepting the challenge of dying to myself so why do I still fight it? Why am I faced with it the minute my eyes open to a new day to the minute I close my eyes to rest? Because my perfect world priorities are all about me and not about him at all. My priorities are skewed and don't serve anyone but myself. On the surface they may appear to serve others but really...it is all about me.

But when I choose God's priorities I am taking a stand. I am making a statement. I am choosing surrender. Choosing God's world over mine makes me think of Isaiah 40:29-31, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." My world really produces weariness because it is never ending, there is always something I could be doing. God's world gives me strength because it relieves me of false responsibilites ~ things I think I should do but really don't need to or shouldn't because they are meant for someone else to do. When I choose to let go of my world I suddenly cease flapping my wings and glide with the wings of God. Immediate freedom.

Choosing God's world means I am saying that the God of the work I do is more important than doing the work of God (wish I could take credit for THAT profound thought but alas the credit belongs to Dr. Carolyn Tennent!). It means that I must allow the busyness of my world to die so that the life of his world can be birthed in me (1 Corinthians 15:36, "What you sow does not come to life unless it dies.").

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." (Matthew 16:24-25 NIV) YEP. Here's the gauntlet once again.

Confessions of a jealous heart

I'm glad nobody was around. With every word I read I slipped further down in my chair, my head dropped a bit more, and my heart traveled slowly toward the bottoms of my feet.

No, this wasn't a rebuke driving this response to the words I was reading. It was envy, jealousy, insecurity, doubt. On the heels of that would surely come the rebuke...from God.

From the time I was young I loved to craft words into works of art. Art that I longed to touch the hearts of people with and, as I have aged, honor the work of God in my life.

I think I was in 6th grade and my parents got me a Brother Word Processor for Christmas. I was in heaven. I spent hours in my room churning out story after story. Nothing profound or meaningful. I was just beginning to explore the world of wordsmiths. Eventually I began keeping a journal and it became the place that God began to push me to share with others the words coming from my heart.

The desire to write, the quest to be good at it, the hope that God might use it have compelled me to take steps where I am not comfortable, to reach for dreams I call impossible, to fight against the insecurities that flood me.

And it was the insecurity pushing me down that day I read, with an admittedly jealous heart, the words of another gifted wordsmith. As I read the blog I considered waving the white flag of surrender on my dreams of writing. In comparison to mine, this writing far exceeded anything I could ever commit to print. I felt low. I felt defeated. I felt raging jealousy. I felt horrible. I know the truth ~ God calls whom he will. If he will use a donkey to speak then surely he may choose to use me! God was gentle in his rebuke this time. In his grace he chose to do it through encouragement rather than conviction.

As I sat there seriously considering shutting down my blogs and finding a new passion ~ ridiculous I know since the passion for writing is ordained by God ~ an email popped into my in-box. "Your family Christmas letter made me weep. WEEP....you should really do more of this writing thing. :)" HUH. That was totally out of the blue. Or was it?

God knows (literally) how I struggle with being the best at something. I often find myself asking to be the best at SOMETHING, ANYTHING. Usually when I make this amazingly selfish and flesh focused request God does two things. 1) He affirms me through others and then 2) brings someone along who can do it all better than me. SIGH.

My jealousy prompts a "woe is me" pity party. It's a very unattractive attitude; whining, insecurity, tears, pouting. And God is quick to call me out in these moments. And I am getting quicker at allowing the rebuke to get my focus back on God, the giver of all gifts.

This time all it took was one email and one story to get my perspective back. God used the story to remind me that I honor him best when I give all I am to what he has gifted me in and not keep looking around wanting to be more.

*The story? Oh, it goes like this...

A story is told of a king who went to his garden one morning, only to find everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The oak tree said it was tired of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine tree. The pine was troubled because it could not bear grapes like the grapevine. The grapevine was determined to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and produce fruit as large as peaches. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall enough and fragrant like the lilac.

And so it went throughout the garden. Yet coming to a violet, the king found its face as bright and happy as ever and said, "Well, violet, I'm glad to find one brave little flower in the midst of this discouragement. You don't seem to be the least disheartened." The violet responded, "No, I'm not. I know I'm small, yet I thought if you wanted an oak or a pine or a peach tree or even a lilac, you would have planted one. Since I knew you wanted a violet, I'm determined to be the best little violet I can be."

Others may do a greater work, but you have your part to do; and no one in all God's family can do it as well as you.

Well now. How can I argue with that?

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10 NIV)

*Story taken from the Updated Version of Streams In The Desert Devotional Readings, January 7

The Retirement of NB803

I'll agree that my obsession with NB803 is strange. I'll admit that in the recesses of logic to attach any profound meaning to a pair of shoes seems to be a stretch. Yet NB803 has been the sole (no pun intended) focus of two blogs and now a third.

Believe it or not (and considering my obsession I'm going to guess you will choose to believe it) I remember the day I purchased NB803. I was training to hike Pikes Peak in 2001 and needed better footwear to carry me up the mountain. I broke them in hiking the no oxygen zone and then tested their endurance by hiking up the mountain on August day in 2001. We fell in love with each other. Something shifted in me when I had those shoes on. Courage I did not know I had seemed to flow from my feet when they were encased by NB803.

I'm a visual person, I easily attach meaning to moments, to possessions, to people. I lean on a visual to help remind me of God's truths. So it was natural to look at NB803 when desperately seeking a visual of courage as I prepared to go to Kenya in 2007 (click here to read that NB803 story).

There are seasons, if I have learned nothing else in my life I have learned that. And a couple of weeks ago I realized that the season of NB803 had come to an end. They have served me well. They have acted as God's visual reminder to me, they have reminded me over and over again of his truth in Habakkuk 3:19 (Amplified), "The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!" They have walked me through many valleys and up many mountains. But the time has come.

God has moved me on to a new season and I must leave NB803 behind with the past. "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV) I will retire them with a heart of gratitude for their service to me and then fix my heart forward and take a step into the new season God has for me.

Thanks NB803 for serving as a conduit of God and WELCOME NB540 ~ Get ready to run!

In the Garden

MEMORIES OF EVELYN L. WELLS

APRIL 19, 1927 - DECEMBER 5,2007

(November 12, 2007)
It is quiet and dark, the only noises are those of the oxygen doing its job and the drip of the IV. She keeps asking to sleep and we assure her it is okay. So she sleeps but wakes and asks when she can sleep. She hasn't asked in a while now and I think she is finally resting. I'm holding her hand, her soft and bony hand. My chin is propped up on my arm as I lean on her bed. I'm watching her and taking in the moment ~ I have so few left.

I'm at a place of reality. When I was a kid I always thought my grandparents would just die quietly and peacefully in their sleep one night and we would get a phone call the next day. I guess I carried that assumption into adult life. Although I know that isn't always the case, rarely does it happen that way.

When I saw her yesterday I knew the time was coming. She melts into the bed. Her frame is barely discernable under the blankets. She is listless and quiet. Her skin is cold, the blankets don't warm her, they just protect her. Today she looks even worse than yesterday. Perhaps it is all the tubes and bandages covering the places blood has been drawn from. With every breath her chest retracts, but she doesn't seem to be in pain. Thank goodness.

My mind is going in a thousand different directions. Memories of when I was small to memories of just a couple of hours ago assault me and I just let them come. I think the same thing is happening to her. At times she will ask about someone from years ago or she will comment on something she read in the newspaper last month. She is remembering also. But she has 80 years of memories to filter through and mine are limited to the 33 years of life with her.

A few weeks ago I grabbed a handful of M&M's and a memory hit me. When I was little she would pour M&M's into a glass for me and I would dump them out on her mustard colored carpet and separate them into colors. A pile of green, a pile of brown, a pile of orange, and a pile of yellow. Like a lot of things M&M colors were simpler back then. Wait, was the carpet mustard or that avocado green? Well no matter I remember the M&M's.

I'm holding her hand and thinking of all the meals she has made in her lifetime. She hasn't cooked in 6.5 years and I know she misses it. There are three things I especially loved that she made. Potato Salad, Christmas cookies, and chicken sandwiches. Her recipes for those dishes are the only way I'll make those things. And I must have her knack for the cookies because I seem to be the only family member that can make the recipe work as well as she did.

On my way to the hospital tonight I was remembering a dream she had about 6 years ago. She looked at me wistfully as she shared that she had dreamed the night before that she was up on her feet cooking, cleaning, and square dancing. All the things that require more mobility than what she had. It was taken from her so suddenly, so harshly. There are many things to grieve.

Earlier tonight I brought "back up" with me in the form of a friend. Oh the grace of God! Knowing the beauty of my friend's voice mom asked her if she would sing for Grandma. Her favorite song is "In the Garden" so we sang that first and then continued. And Grandma, with her oxygen mask on, sang when she could. I will never forget the beauty of that moment. Our voices, with Grandma's muffled one joining in, raised to the Father who will welcome her home soon.

I sat at the foot of the bed and watched him lean into her, kiss her on the forehead and say "I love you." Even with her mask on I could hear her clearly. "I love you so much Harry." And then he whispered to her and she tried to whisper back as her eyes closed. He stayed leaned into her for a moment and then straightened. 59 years of marriage. 59 years of life - good or bad - lived together. Their wedding vows included "I do" to sickness and health. I have never seen a more vivid living out of those vows than I have in him. He has been more than faithful to those promises. He has displayed a stubborn faithfulness to his bride. I am awed and moved by his example to me. Most recently every time I see him near her he is touching her and caressing her. I wonder what memories he is filtering through.

When I was little a favorite dress up item was her square dancing skirts. They weren't skirts on me, they were full dresses. I pulled them up right under my armpits and twirled and performed. I remember standing at her dresser and looking at all of their buttons, pins, and patches for square dancing. They would travel with a group and go to conventions and events to dance. Lanny said the most beautiful thing to Mikaela, and me, today. "Great-Mama will get to square dance with Jesus soon." She has really missed it and soon she will be able to again. I wish we still had those skirts.

I look at her lying in bed, no more fat on her body and think of all the weight loss methods she tried. It hits me. Doesn't matter any longer. That is the last of her concerns right now. The day she had her stroke she had exercised or was headed out the door to walk. She had been losing weight and was feeling good. I think that was the last day she ever thought about her weight again.

When you tell her you want to pray her eyes light up and she gets real animated. She even makes noises of agreement while in prayer. Ever since her stroke she has sat in the mornings with her devotions and her list and she faithfully prayed for her family. Her husband, her daughters, her grandkids, and her great-grandkids. She loves to pray for her family.

I asked her yesterday what I could bring for her next time I visited. She said nothing for her but could I bring something chocolate for Harry? He loves sweets, especially chocolate. Her eyes fill with tears and she looks worried when she says his name. 59 years of thinking about the needs of someone else. Wow.

She keeps asking about the girls. Are they with Lanny? When will they come see her? She loves her two red-headed great granddaughters. I bring them in and she smiles. Eliana sings and her smile extends from ear to ear. The girls love Great-Mama, but they know what is happening and they are okay.

(November 16, 2007)
He turned down chocolate tonight. I don't know if I have ever seen him turn down chocolate. And he didn't really want to eat but we encouraged it and he did. If he isn't sitting right next to her stroking her hand or rubbing her arm he sits and just looks at her. Mikaela asked me in tears the other day, "But what will Great-Papa do with his life now?" A great question from a 9.5 year old. What will he do? For the past 6.5 years his whole life has been the sickness and health part of those wedding vows. Has he ever lived alone? I don't know if he has. He certainly hasn't for the past 59 years. What will Great-Papa do with his life now? I watch him watch her and rub a hand over his face. He is deep in thought and I wonder if the same question is running through his mind.

She's cold now and beginning to experience pain. They brought a CD player in and instrumental music surrounds us. Overnight a picture of her from healthier days appeared on the bed stand. She is flashing her famous smile. She is famous for that smile, everyone comments on it. It is lively and warm. I looked up the meaning of her name the other day and it means "lively". That fits. She always had a smile on her face and in her eyes. The other night she smiled for my mom.

She is agitated and getting upset with me.
"Beth Ann, I really think I need to get up now and quit being so lazy."
"Now Beth Ann, I don't want to be known as a slouch so I think you should let me get up."
"I have rested enough, let me get up and get some work done."
"I've got work to do, I really think you need to let me get up so I am not accused of being lazy."
To keep her mind off of her agitation I bring up the pool that Grandpa built and us kids used. Lots of great memories and she smiles and even is able to produce a laugh at some of the antics I pull out of my memory.

The pain meds haven't hit yet and she winces and says her leg hurts. So I rub it. She settles down with my touch and falls to sleep. I kiss her on the forehead and leave for the night.

(November 24,2007)
She amazes me. Yes, she is still alive. She is still sharing her beautiful smile and is so kind and polite to people who come in. But the past two days have been hard. She is dead weight (no pun intended of course) and it takes more than 3 people to move her. Grandpa got to her this morning and she was crying. So now she is bed fast, she won't get out of bed again.

Last weekend Bradley came to visit her and she was very happy. At one point two of her daughters, three of her grandchildren, two great grandkids, and her husband were all in her room with her and she fell asleep with all of the noise and a smile on her face.

Two nights ago she told the doctor that she had a lot to live for! Bless her heart, I don't think she understands the reality. Earlier that day someone mentioned Thanksgiving was the next day and she looked at me and said, "Well I had better rest up tonight, tomorrow will be a big day." I told her to go ahead and rest. But on Thanksgiving morning she popped her eyes open and said to Grandpa, "Well, let's hit the road." She thought she was coming to mom's for the day.

(December 1, 2007)
It's been an up and down week. Hospice had to discharge her because she wasn't "actively dying" ~unbelievable. We understand on their end, it is this end that we are perplexed. More moments of taking deep breaths and trying to rest in God's sovereignty. So mom brought her into her house. I'm so proud of my mom. She has been amazing to watch in this process. She has been tender with Grandma, gracious with Grandpa. When hospice broke the news Grandpa burst out (literally) sobbing. He stood apologizing over and over to mom. She reminded him that it was okay with her, she made a promise.

On Sunday I was afraid to hold her hand. It looks so fragile. It is literally bones covered by skin. She is nothing, completely wasted away. I wonder how? How is she still alive?

She asked me about Paul and Rebecca. I called Paul and put the phone to her ear. The moment she hears his voice she begins to cry. She is very emotional these days. She tells me she had a bad night last night. She was restless and couldn't settle down. I asked her - was it your mind or your body that wouldn't settle? I think she is still having a slide show in her brain of the past 80 years of life. But she says it was her body. I secretly think it was a little of both.

Bless her heart, she remains so positive. The day she was transported she felt sick. The next day she slept most of the day and today she was transported back to hospice. She is officially "actively dying". Last night mom got 45 minutes of sleep. Grandma was agitated and restless. She was "mad" that mom wouldn't let her get out of bed and didn't know where she was. Her voice is gone, barely a whisper.

When the ambulance arrived to take her back to hospice the medics greeted her and she flashed them that famous smile. Mom and I think she will die with that smile on her face. I think it means she is at peace with her Lord.

The nurse asked her if she would like something to drink. "I would like some coffee please." Oh Grandma.

Grandpa had a "dream" last night. He said he heard three distinct knocks on the door and believes it was God letting him know he had come for Grandma. So this morning he told Grandma it was okay to go home and be with Jesus. He gave her permission to go. He cried. She said okay. I'm not sure he told her it was okay to go when they said their goodbyes almost three weeks ago.

(December 2, 2007)
We went to say "see you later" today. I cried. Her eyes are dull. But she smiles. I leaned into her face, kissed her, and with tears wetting her cheek I told her that she should go and I would see her again. I pulled back and she said, "Oh, did you grow up?" Yes, I answered, I have grown up. And I laid my head on her shoulder and she placed her hand so gently on my cheek and we cuddled.

Grandpa is touching her as much as he can. And she looks at him and smiles so big. 59 years of marriage. His eyes met mine over her head and he teared up.

I don't think I will see her this side of heaven again. I told her to go, be healthy, be whole, DANCE with Jesus. She nods. I tell her thank you for loving me well and for being a great Great-Mama. And then I kiss her and leave.

(December 3, 2007)
She told a nurse this morning that she was worried that Grandpa was going to die and she didn't want him to. He told her the other day to go be with Jesus and he would follow shortly. She took him literally. It's not what he meant, of course. He meant he is 80 and he will follow her "shortly". So they explained to Grandma what Grandpa meant and she was put at ease. She's still thinking of him.

Mom asked her if she was ready and she sighed and said "oh yes". Oh Jesus, would you please bring my Grandma home to you?

(December 4, 2007)
She was intent on talking today...but to nobody in particular. And most of it nobody could understand. I feel in my spirit that it was God and he was taking her through a time of cleansing. I only think this because mom understood a few phrases and they were "I'm so sorry" and "I love you girls so much".

(December 5, 2007)
She smiled at my mom and Grandpa this morning and then went into her own world.

Thank you Lord. She is home now and whole before you. Oh what a long journey this has been. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

In the Garden
(Verse 1)
I come to the garden alone,

While the dew is still on the roses;

And the voice I hear, falling on my ear,

The Son of God discloses.
(Chorus)
And He walks with me,

And He talks with me,

And He tells me I am His own;

And the joy we share as we tarry there,

None other has ever known.
(Verse 2)
He speaks, and the sound of His voice Is so sweet,

The birds hush their singing,

And the melody that He gave to me,

Within my heart is ringing.
(Verse 3)
I'd stay in the garden with Him,

Though the night around me be falling,

But He bids me go;

Through the voice of woe,

His voice to me is calling.

There's a chill in the air

It was a rather cold evening. The wind was blowing and the sky was dark. It was only 7 o'clock but it felt later. It had been a long day already and I felt like it was getting longer.

It wasn't just cold outside, my heart felt cold - iced over with pain and the beginning drops of anger. Lanny parked the car and we sat for a minute staring at the unusually packed Starbucks. Silently we exited the car, gripped hands, and made our way inside. A quick scan of the small but crowded place showed us the table we needed to head to and we made our way. A couple I knew was sitting just inside the door and I smiled tightly at them and hurried in the other direction. I wasn't up for small talk tonight.

We found our table and greeted one of two people we were meeting with. Knowing my love for coffee and Starbucks I was offered a drink. I turned it down. The thought of sipping coffee while engaged in a discussion that brought me pain made my stomach churn. It was a good decision. As we waited for the other person's arrival, sometimes engaging in stilted and awkward conversation but most often just sitting there looking at the crowded room, I shivered. Starbucks had the air conditioner still set for summer time temperatures and the night was cold. It fit the chill of the relationships represented at the table.

The other person finally arrived and squeezed in to our makeshift corner. It was probably good the place was crowded and noisy - not a lot of possibility for eavesdropping. We started conversing. Lanny went first, we had spent some time that afternoon praying together - asking God to show us what to say and how. I stayed quiet. Lanny finished and they began to speak. The conversation went back and forth - although I said little. I answered quickly and firmly. My shoulders were starting to ache from the cold of the room and the tension of our conversation.

I'd love to say at this point the conversation was the start of healing and the relationships started to mend. But that didn't happen. I have had few, if any other, conversations in a coffee house or anywhere else that ended as this one did. It ended with a realization that the relationship was unable to be fixed. I could easily be polite and civil with this person but the ease we once had with each other was finished. When something gets shattered it is no longer repairable, have you ever tried to glue shards of glass back together into the shape it once was? Impossible.

I've had coffee in that Starbucks many times since and God, in his grace, hasn't allowed me to dwell on that night. Here's where I will introduce the joy - yes JOY - of that night...

God's grace IS enough. That night led me into a deeper depression and an anger that I had to work through. My numb heart thawed and God showed me some deep truths and led me back to a place of healing and then beyond. God allowed that night to happen and even to this very day I am still gleaning lessons from that night and from the whole situation that night revolved around. That's grace and there's joy in that.

God's grace carried me when I could not take a step further on my own. A few months after the conversation at Starbucks God showed me his grace in another conversation, this time in an office. But by this time I was stronger and more settled in who I was in Christ and this time my answers were firm and clear and I spoke for myself and for what I knew God had shown me and done in me. Walking away from that meeting I was led into deeper grace.

The chilly Starbucks meeting taught me something - when there is a chill in the air, God's grace is enough to take the hurting heart into a place of healing and beyond.

Thank you Jesus for the warmth of your touch and the thaw of my numb heart.

An Internal Perspective

So remember your chains
Remember the prison that once held you
Before the love of God broke through
Remember the place you were without grace
When you see where you are now
Remember your chains
Oh, remember your chains
When you remember your chains
Remember your chains are gone
Imagine what your life would be
If Jesus had not set you free
Remember your chains are gone
Remember the prison that once held you
Before the love of God broke through
Remember your chains
And remember your chains are gone
(from the song "Remember Your Chains" by Steven Curtis Chapman)
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I'm not here to debate on the recent tragedy, nor am I here to comment on the opinions swirling around America right now concerning the handling of the situation. If you really want to know where I stand on those things e-mail me and I'll be glad to privately share with you my thoughts.

But I am here with a heavy heart. How can one not have a heavy heart in light of national events? My heavy heart forces me to go inside of myself and search myself for my responses and reactions.

So I will simply say that I realize that without Jesus Christ I am just as depraved, I am just as wicked, I am just as driven to hurt others as this man who carried out his wickedness on Monday. I am NO better than he apart from Christ. I'm not.

Oh, but I have Christ - who radically changes how I think and how I speak and how I behave. And while I am not perfect and I don't think, speak, or behave perfectly I at least have a hope to look to. I at least can look at where I was and where I am at and know that without Christ I am capable of wicked and evil things. Remembering the chains of flesh which once held me bondage to misery keeps me humble before my God.

Matthew 7:1-5 says this, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Some of you right now may be shaking your heads and thinking, "Whew, Beth, girl you have a looooong way to go on this whole judging thing." You know what? If you're thinking that, you're right. I do have a long way to go but all I do if I am tempted to be discouraged is look back at the chains that once held me. Where there was bondage to wickedness there is now freedom in Christ.

Am I going to be perfect? Have I arrived? The simple and honest answer is no. And because of that I will not pretend to know the answers to a situation that is so far beyond my comprehension, I will pray and look to the One who offers freedom from the wickedness I am prone to in my flesh.

I've drawn a circle around myself and change needs to begin with the one standing inside of that circle.
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Amazing Grace
by John Newton 1779 (take a look at this man's life!! He knows the depravity from which he was saved...)

Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear,
And Grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come.
'Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far
And Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His Word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures.

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we'd first begun.

A living definition

Lanny and I are big into meanings of names. We scoured baby name books during both of my pregnancies for meanings. Not names. Meanings. And then when we found a meaning we like or connected with we would look at the name to see if we liked that as well.

My name means "House of God" or "Consecrated to God" - big responsibility that I feel as I get older and grow more in my relationship with God.
Lanny's name means "Famous Land." I don't really have anything to say about that and he just shrugs his shoulders. He-he-he......

So when it came time for our kids - we prayed and we searched and we, after a lot of outside help, decided.

Mikaela Renee, born April 12, 1998, means "Who is like God" (Mikaela) and "Born Again" (Renee). And we have seen those things come to be in her life and heart. Her heart bleeds for the hurts and disappointments of others. Much like her God's. And on April 11, 2003 she asked Jesus into her heart, surprising both Lanny and I - we weren't prepared but she was!

And then Eliana Denae entered into our lives. I remember when we finally decided on her name. We were visiting some friends in Maryland and liked the meanings of both Eliana and Denae. Lanny wanted the first name to be Denae, I shot that down quick. It didn't set right in my heart but it went well with Eliana and served that name best as a middle name. Eliana Denae, born February 14, 2000, means "God has answered my prayers" (Eliana) and "Innocent" (Denae). And about one month ago it hit me with a force that I think I actually had to sit down. She is her name. And it was nothing that Lanny and I have done or haven't done. Eliana Denae is a living definition of her meaning.

Since Eliana was born she has injected a life, a challenge, a joy without conditions into our family. She is the one extrovert in a house with three introverts! Sometimes the three of us just sit and watch her flit and dance through the house. When we are out in public we have to keep her close, she makes friends with any and every body that she meets! Really. If you let her get too far away you will hear her say, "Want to be my friend?"

Have you met her personally?
She will STEAL your heart.

A friend once told her mother-in-law that if she was ever having a bad day all she had to do was talk to Eliana and then her whole day would turn around and be brighter. It's true. Eliana is a very bright, sparkly light in our world and anyone else's world she touches. She bounces up and down like Tigger. She is non-stop energy from the moment her eyes open in the morning to the minute her head hits the pillow at night. She thinks life is the greatest thing ever and anything about life excites her. Last year she won a car race at her Awana club - first place for speed and oh was she excited. She led a parade of boys around the sanctuary afterwards! The next day at school her teacher gave her a brand new orange folder to keep her papers in. The first place trophy from the night before was forgotten - she had a brand new orange folder! Oh it was so exciting for her. Life is Eliana's stage in which to dance and sing on.

So, Beth, what exactly does any of that have to do with meanings?
Or are you just finding shameless ways to brag on your kids? He-he-he

Well, let me tell you......

When Eliana could start communicating well with words she would pray at bedtime. Both of our girls do. But I began to pay attention because from the get-go she was praying deep. It wasn't just thank you's for food or clothes but it was intercession in its purest form. From the heart of a child. I would sit by her at night and listen to this little, innocent voice intercede for people and situations that she didn't understand but the Holy Spirit was prompting her to pray for. And as she has matured I began to notice that every so often something she would pray for would be answered. And as I really began to look at what she prayed for and what was happening I began to notice that her prayers were being answered. Wow! That's so cool. Thanks God for building the faith of our daughter in that way.

But it isn't for her that he is doing it.

Let me share some recent examples of Eliana's prayers:

• It was a snowy Saturday and we were in the midst of a blizzard. Eliana was supposed to go to a birthday party but we warned her it may not happen because of the snow. She asked what would need to happen for her to be able to go. We told her there needed to be blue skies and the snow needed to quit. She accepted that and went to play. Periodically she would go look out the window. Some time later in the morning she came to me and asked what it looked like outside. I sighed and said, "Eliana it is still...." and when I pulled up the shade there were blue skies and the snow had stopped. I turned around and she was jumping up and down and saying "Oh I knew it! I knew there would be blue skies. Now I can go to the party!" I asked her how she knew and this is what she said to me. "Mom, I was downstairs playing with my trains and I thought with my brain how I wanted to go to the party so I got on my knees and I told God that I wanted to go really bad and could he please change the sky to be blue and have no snow. God heard me and now I get to go to the party right?" YES I CRIED. I nodded yes and sent her out of the room, called Lanny in and made him cry!!
• One day on the playground last week Eliana was jump-roping. Eliana gets frustrated easily and gives up even easier. We are really working with her on that. Well she was getting frustrated with the jump-rope because she couldn't do something with it. And after school that day this is what she said to Lanny, "Dad, I was frustrated and I thought I should stop but then I told God I needed help and I knew I could do it because he was with me. And then I tried it again and I did it good! God was with me, I knew he was and that's why I did it good." YES LANNY CRIED. So then he had to tell me so I would cry!!

Eliana is a living, DANCING definition of her name.

Oh the middle name? Denae - "Innocent". Do you see it? Eliana is very innocent in the way she interacts with people and the way she speaks. "I thought with my brain" is one of her favorite ways to explain something.

If you haven't met her yet I hope one day you can. Your world will be a brighter place because of her heart!

Beth, you said God wasn't building her faith. Whose then? Why, mine and yours - of course.

"He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:2-4 (NIV)

"From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise..." Psalm 8:2a (NIV)

The Discipline Of Hearing

"Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light...." Matthew 10:27

Sometimes God puts us through the experience and discipline of darkness to teach us to hear and obey him. When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else once you are back in the light.

(Oswald Chambers - My Utmost for His Highest)

The relief of a new chance

"Then the Lord spoke to Jonah a second time" (Jonah 3:1)

"But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved." (Judges 16:22)

"The Lord says, 'I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.' " (Joel 2:25)

“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope...." (Hosea 2:14-15a)

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28)

"and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations." (Isaiah 61:3-4)
************************************************************************************
God has a theme for my life and for yours.

We get new chances every day; to redeem words we didn't mean to say, situations we mishandled, lessons we missed, relationships that need to be reconciled, hearts that need to get right before God.

I am a walking, in-living-color, vivid example of God's fresh chances. My hair, like Samson's, is growing back. (For his full story check out Judges 16) There's where the story of second chances lies for my heart. My hair has been the source of joy and grief the past year and a half. But it is a very real sign of God's grace on my life and his protection of my heart.
If you haven't seen me in a while you may be surprised when you do or you may even walk right by me. My hair's growing. Now it's not down my back mind you, but it is to my shoulders and curlier than ever! It's earned me lots of pulling of the curls, new nicknames, and general speculation about it all.

I'm here to set the record straight.

It was suggested to me a little over a year ago that perhaps I should prayerfully consider growing my hair back out. Pray about hair? Does God really care about the length of one's hair? Call me crazy if you want but my answer is going to be - YES. I think he cares. About the length of my hair that is. And here's why. It's not about my hair, it's about my heart. WHAT?!?! Now you really think I'm crazy don't you? Stay with me on this one. When my daughter was 6.5 months old I chopped my waist length hair to my shoulders. I felt inconvenienced by it. I ended up twisting it into a bun on top of my head everyday. Not so attractive day in and day out mind you. So I chopped it and then it just got shorter and shorter until it was really short. And I was oblivious to what it did to my spirit. The shorter my hair got the more unhappy I became in my heart, the more withdrawn I became from people, the more I withdrew - much to my shame - from my husband. Yes, all due to the length of my hair. Interesting isn't it?

But then God began to move. He led me into the desert to speak to me tenderly (e.g. Hosea 2:14). He captivated me until my heart was fully his again and then he spoke. Now, he wasn't audible and he actually never confirmed with a "yes" or a "no" but he spoke and I know it now. I prayed about my hair and decided that since I wasn't getting an answer either way I would just start growing it until I heard from him. And here I am with it down to my shoulders and confirmation in my spirit that it was what he wanted me to do. I'll let you in on the secret to this knowledge.

I feel different in my spirit. My heart feels lighter, there's more joy, there's more peace, I'm willing to be more open. The longer my hair gets the more I want to minister to others. The longer my hair gets the closer I cleave to my husband's side. ALL BECAUSE OF HAIR!!!! I know some of you think I'm nuts but I am telling you with clarity of mind and heart, I am for real on this.

I mentioned the grief it has caused me. Well, yes there has been that. Because of the general speculation some conclusions were made about why I was growing out my hair that didn't match my reputation nor my character. I've had to allow God to defend me on those accusations. In the secret places of my heart those careless ideas about me have stung, wounded, and caused division and strife. But God has proven - yet once again - faithful to his word. Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." In the midst of the pain of betrayal over my hair God did a beautiful thing. He took my valley of trouble and transformed it into a true gateway of hope (e.g. Hosea 2:15). He took my marriage that was good and molded it into something even better -great! He took the remaining pieces of my heart and healed them in ways I didn't think would actually happen! He made my tears into rainbows and placed a value on the thorn that had stuck me and caused my heart to bleed. It is a beautiful thing when God takes the ashes and turns them into beauty, when he restores the joy and then doubles it, when he repairs the devastated places of a heart (e.g. Isaiah 61:3-4).

I thought about cutting my hair. Fine, I thought, if they think its for that reason then I will prove to them its not. But what's more significant? What God thinks or what a few select people think? What carries more weight with my heart? The kind words of a friend who told me how wonderful my spirit was with longer hair or the uninformed words of people who don't know me?

My hair is staying as is - I want others to know when they look at me that not only do I look different on the outside but I look really different on the inside.

Praising God for his new chances......

The value of a thorn

My God,
I have never thanked thee for my thorn.
I have thanked thee a thousand times
for my roses,
but never once for my thorn.
Teach me the glory of my cross,
teach me the value of my thorn.
Show me that I have climbed to thee
by the path of my pain.
Show me that my tears have made
my rainbows.

(George Matheson)

How "complete" are you?

Every morning I get up and head to our neighborhood clubhouse and walk on the treadmill. I usually hit the "quick start" button and just start walking but recently I started entering in a time limit, my weight, and my age and then the treadmill counts down for me. Walking on the treadmill has become something I count on, I look forward to. I'm not a very active person and I like this activity. I like the feeling of being in motion. It appears as if I am headed no where yet in my spirit I am headed to great places. There's not a lot of spiritual analogies I can pull from a treadmill but when I was least expecting it God hit me with one.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

I have been walking on the treadmill since sometime in October (2006) and I refused to jog or run on that thing. I hate jogging, I hate running. But I began to feel an urge to pick up the speed a bit. So in December I tried running for 2 minutes. I thought I was going to die. I mean it. I really thought it was over. But I survived and then challenged myself to add in 2 more minutes. Now I am up to 6 minutes. 2 minute intervals at three different places during my work out. And I still think I am going to die. But what I am doing is building up my endurance.

The other day I was running and all of a sudden the treadmill flashed this message at me, "10% complete". I think it's supposed to give me hope that I have finished part of my work out. I admit it helps. And then when I was running for the second time it flashed at me, "40% complete" and I thought, "C'mon Beth, you are stronger than 2 minutes of running. You are stronger than this treadmill. You are stronger than you were last month or even last year. YOU CAN DO THIS." By the time it flashed at me, "50% complete" I was soaking in Philippians 1:6. God had a message for me that went far beyond the treadmill.

How "complete" am I? I'm 32 years old, what percentage am I sitting at? And I don't mean in my physical body but in my spiritual soul. Each trial, each challenge, each heartache ups my percentage a bit. And God doesn't and won't give up on me until I am 100% complete. I might be tempted to throw in the towel but God always sends something or someone my way that reminds me of who I am. I am stronger than the trial. I am stronger than the pain of it. I am stronger than I was last month or last year. I CAN DO THIS. Each time I have to push harder and what happens is my endurance is built and strengthened. Each challenge that comes my way I handle differently - better. I have more grace, my tongue is softer, my spirit softer and yet stronger.

So how "complete" am I? I don't know. But I will say this, the treadmill of life has brought me to some deep, wonderful, painful places and I up my percentage point each time I look to God to be the completer of me. He strengthens my spirit and builds my endurance.

Anyone up for a run?

Are you setting a Milestone or a Stonewall?

The following post does not come from my hand but my heart agrees with it. I pass it on to you in hopes that you also are blessed by it and it is confirmed in your spirit as well.
____________________________________________________________________
"Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead" Philippians 3:13

Tye Tribbett has a song that starts out saying "everybody just look back".We used to sing a song in church when I was younger that suggested to "look where He brought me from". But not in every occasion do we need to look back. There are times when looking back isn't setting a milestone, but it's setting up stonewall. Sometimes looking back can hold you back; for good.
For example, the very recent last year yielded very distasteful experiences for some and God delivered you from them. Some relationships were strained or destroyed because they weren't ordained by God to be so. Some doors were closed tightly and shut to the point of lockout because God had another plan for you. Some prophetic words spoken over your life didn't come to pass, because it wasn't the time or the season, or it may have been because God wasn't speaking after all. Some goals were not met and the truth is, they may never be, because they were "good" ideas and not "GOD" ideas. Leave them behind and press on ahead. God delivered Lot and his family out of a tumultuous place on the brink of destruction with a warning NOT to look back. When Lot's wife disobeyed and looked back, she was instantly turned into a column of salt. Lot's wife wasn't just taking a glance back to see if someone was behind her. She looked back with angst at what she left behind instead of looking ahead in expectation of the deliverance that God was bringing them into. Don't be like her. In this instance, I believe the salt represents bitterness. When we revel in the past and what could have been, it is very easy for bitterness to become our portion. We can too easily embrace the negative experiences and question"why?", instead of submitting our will to God and answering 'Yes, Lord whatever your will, be it unto me."
Are you setting a milestone or building a stonewall in your life by looking back? I encourage you to let go of 2006. All of your missed appointments, limp ambitions and disappointing deadlines. Completely and totally embrace God's plan for you in 2007. Whatever it is, whatever it looks like. You may have to scrap your 2006 unfinished projects and get a fresh blueprint from the Master. One thing is guaranteed, with God leading your way, you cannot go wrong.

(by Tracy Gale - laCe Ministry.org)

Suffering - Past, Present, and Future

"None of us has suffered more in kind or degree than God himself. He has suffered in every generation of human history and in every way humans suffer. No matter where we go in our sufferings, He will be there ahead of us."

-Barbara Mouser
Knowing God, Understanding Man-

And then, it was yesterday

Yesterday

God is the God of our yesterdays.

It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return,

but God can transform this destructive anxiety

into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future.

Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.

Leave the broken, irreversible past in his hands,

and step out into the invincible future with him.

(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest)

It's that time of year. Resolutions float in the air like promises we mean to keep but by mid-January will be covered with the dust of our forgetfulness or the disappointment of failure. I don't make resolutions. It seems like too much of a set-up for disappointment down the road. I always end up disappointed with myself that I didn't have enough discipline or self-control or whatever was called for. The older I get the more I realize that each day I make resolutions and each day is a new chance for me to fulfill or fail them.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great

love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

(Lamentations 3:19-26)

My year doesn't start with the turn of a calendar page from December 31 to January 1. It never has. I have a friend whose "year" always starts in June. Life just seems to happen for both of us outside of the January 1 "fresh start" that the rest of the world seems to live for. My year always starts around my birthday so I'm four months into my new year. Even so, this time of the year always causes me to stop for a moment or two of reflection. It never fails to amaze me what changes in such a short amount of time. 365 days sounds like a lot of time but in the big picture it is really nothing. And in that time plans are made, broken, changed and altered. In that time relationships are formed and relationships are broken, feelings change, promises are made and broken, jobs begin and end, and the list goes on and on.

I've had a hard yet victorious "year" so far. I'm a quarter of the way through and the personal transformation becomes more and more evident with each passing day. Oh, I have my days of set backs and my moments of yuck but the growth is evident. The one thing I still struggle to keep at the front of everything is praise. I have so many God stories and so many evidences of his hand on me and on my family the past four months but I so quickly lose sight of those when I'm in a yuck moment. So as I continue in my year and as a new calendar year begins I have purposed to be more worshipful as the storms rage around me. And I'm not dumb, there are going to be storms because life is like that. But I know, and I hope you do too, that is it the storms that test our character and grow us into who we are created to be.

I was sure by now/That you would have reached down/And wiped our tears away/Stepped in and saved the day/But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining/As the thunder rolls/I barely hear you whisper through the rain/"I'm with you"/And as your mercy falls/I raise my hands and praise the God who gives/and takes away

I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For you are who you are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

I remember when/I stumbled in the wind/You heard my cry/You raised me up again/My strength is almost gone/How can I carry on/If I can't find you/I lift my eyes unto the hills/As the thunder rolls/I barely hear you whisper through the rain/"I'm with you"/And as your mercy falls/I raise my hands and praise the God who gives/and takes away

I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For you are who you are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

Where does my help come from?/My help comes from the Lord/The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For you are who you are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

(Casting Crowns, Lifesong, 2005)

I will choose to praise God because so far in this year I have seen him raise up my head from grief, raise up my husband to be the man he was created to be - my protector and my courage, raise up on our behalf financially and provide for the needs of our family, bring forth those silver and gold friendships, raise my spirit within me to be who I have never been before, and knit me to my family as never before.

“Therefore we do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away,

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us

an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,

but on what is unseen.

For what is seen is temporary,

but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Test of Faithfulness

It is only a faithful person who truly believes that God sovereignly controls his circumstances. To be faithful in every circumstance means that we have only one loyalty, or object of our faith - the Lord Jesus Christ. If we will just learn to worship God even during the difficult circumstances, he will change them for the better quickly if he so chooses.

- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest -

A most unusual coffee house

For the length of about two months my bedroom became my coffee house. No, really.

I am sure you are wondering what I mean by that. Let me explain.

Some time ago I was handed a piece of paper and there, in black and white, was written all these things about me that were "wrong." And it threw me. So my home became my refuge and my bedroom became my coffee house. And it was there that I handed God the piece of paper and said, "Really?"

My brother works at Starbucks and he gets a pound of coffee a week. So he would send me his pounds when I needed a fix. I went through a lot of coffee in that couple of months. I would brew up a pot after dropping my girls off at school and retreat to my bedroom. Why my bedroom? It's where I began to feel the safest. We have a big king size bed, I would just lay there and spread out my books and my journal and my Bible and just allow God to say whatever he wanted to. So my bedroom became my coffee house for a season.

The interesting thing about this piece of paper that so "definitively" defined me is that it ended up being the very thing that got me out of my bedroom and into life again. I took each point and I gave it to God and I asked him to tell me if any of it were true. And he was faithful to do just that. I would drink my coffee, journal my hurt, read what he had to say from his Word and discover who I really was in him. Ephesians 2:10 says that I am a masterpiece, created by him and for him to do good things. I already knew that but someone else tried to take that away from me. So God reminded me. He created me and I do good things for him.

Several places in the Bible point to the gifts that God gives each of his creation. I'm not talking about gifts of the material persuasion, I'm talking about gifts that last. Gifts that are built into the very fiber of who we are. Some of the gifts God specifically mentions are things like serving, teaching, encouraging, helping, generosity, leadership, mercy (Romans 12). The question is, if God gives me the gift what will I do with it? I could abuse it. Or I could use it. The choice is mine. I discovered something at my home coffee house. I use my gifts well. What was said about me out of confidence was really said out of cowardice - it was said out of issues that have nothing to do with me. And once God showed me that I began to heal and to rest.

I have moved out of my bedroom coffee house and back into life. However, I have managed to carve out some bedroom coffee house time for myself each morning before the rest of my world wakes up. After all, it's HIS black and white list that counts in the end.