In the Garden

MEMORIES OF EVELYN L. WELLS

APRIL 19, 1927 - DECEMBER 5,2007

(November 12, 2007)
It is quiet and dark, the only noises are those of the oxygen doing its job and the drip of the IV. She keeps asking to sleep and we assure her it is okay. So she sleeps but wakes and asks when she can sleep. She hasn't asked in a while now and I think she is finally resting. I'm holding her hand, her soft and bony hand. My chin is propped up on my arm as I lean on her bed. I'm watching her and taking in the moment ~ I have so few left.

I'm at a place of reality. When I was a kid I always thought my grandparents would just die quietly and peacefully in their sleep one night and we would get a phone call the next day. I guess I carried that assumption into adult life. Although I know that isn't always the case, rarely does it happen that way.

When I saw her yesterday I knew the time was coming. She melts into the bed. Her frame is barely discernable under the blankets. She is listless and quiet. Her skin is cold, the blankets don't warm her, they just protect her. Today she looks even worse than yesterday. Perhaps it is all the tubes and bandages covering the places blood has been drawn from. With every breath her chest retracts, but she doesn't seem to be in pain. Thank goodness.

My mind is going in a thousand different directions. Memories of when I was small to memories of just a couple of hours ago assault me and I just let them come. I think the same thing is happening to her. At times she will ask about someone from years ago or she will comment on something she read in the newspaper last month. She is remembering also. But she has 80 years of memories to filter through and mine are limited to the 33 years of life with her.

A few weeks ago I grabbed a handful of M&M's and a memory hit me. When I was little she would pour M&M's into a glass for me and I would dump them out on her mustard colored carpet and separate them into colors. A pile of green, a pile of brown, a pile of orange, and a pile of yellow. Like a lot of things M&M colors were simpler back then. Wait, was the carpet mustard or that avocado green? Well no matter I remember the M&M's.

I'm holding her hand and thinking of all the meals she has made in her lifetime. She hasn't cooked in 6.5 years and I know she misses it. There are three things I especially loved that she made. Potato Salad, Christmas cookies, and chicken sandwiches. Her recipes for those dishes are the only way I'll make those things. And I must have her knack for the cookies because I seem to be the only family member that can make the recipe work as well as she did.

On my way to the hospital tonight I was remembering a dream she had about 6 years ago. She looked at me wistfully as she shared that she had dreamed the night before that she was up on her feet cooking, cleaning, and square dancing. All the things that require more mobility than what she had. It was taken from her so suddenly, so harshly. There are many things to grieve.

Earlier tonight I brought "back up" with me in the form of a friend. Oh the grace of God! Knowing the beauty of my friend's voice mom asked her if she would sing for Grandma. Her favorite song is "In the Garden" so we sang that first and then continued. And Grandma, with her oxygen mask on, sang when she could. I will never forget the beauty of that moment. Our voices, with Grandma's muffled one joining in, raised to the Father who will welcome her home soon.

I sat at the foot of the bed and watched him lean into her, kiss her on the forehead and say "I love you." Even with her mask on I could hear her clearly. "I love you so much Harry." And then he whispered to her and she tried to whisper back as her eyes closed. He stayed leaned into her for a moment and then straightened. 59 years of marriage. 59 years of life - good or bad - lived together. Their wedding vows included "I do" to sickness and health. I have never seen a more vivid living out of those vows than I have in him. He has been more than faithful to those promises. He has displayed a stubborn faithfulness to his bride. I am awed and moved by his example to me. Most recently every time I see him near her he is touching her and caressing her. I wonder what memories he is filtering through.

When I was little a favorite dress up item was her square dancing skirts. They weren't skirts on me, they were full dresses. I pulled them up right under my armpits and twirled and performed. I remember standing at her dresser and looking at all of their buttons, pins, and patches for square dancing. They would travel with a group and go to conventions and events to dance. Lanny said the most beautiful thing to Mikaela, and me, today. "Great-Mama will get to square dance with Jesus soon." She has really missed it and soon she will be able to again. I wish we still had those skirts.

I look at her lying in bed, no more fat on her body and think of all the weight loss methods she tried. It hits me. Doesn't matter any longer. That is the last of her concerns right now. The day she had her stroke she had exercised or was headed out the door to walk. She had been losing weight and was feeling good. I think that was the last day she ever thought about her weight again.

When you tell her you want to pray her eyes light up and she gets real animated. She even makes noises of agreement while in prayer. Ever since her stroke she has sat in the mornings with her devotions and her list and she faithfully prayed for her family. Her husband, her daughters, her grandkids, and her great-grandkids. She loves to pray for her family.

I asked her yesterday what I could bring for her next time I visited. She said nothing for her but could I bring something chocolate for Harry? He loves sweets, especially chocolate. Her eyes fill with tears and she looks worried when she says his name. 59 years of thinking about the needs of someone else. Wow.

She keeps asking about the girls. Are they with Lanny? When will they come see her? She loves her two red-headed great granddaughters. I bring them in and she smiles. Eliana sings and her smile extends from ear to ear. The girls love Great-Mama, but they know what is happening and they are okay.

(November 16, 2007)
He turned down chocolate tonight. I don't know if I have ever seen him turn down chocolate. And he didn't really want to eat but we encouraged it and he did. If he isn't sitting right next to her stroking her hand or rubbing her arm he sits and just looks at her. Mikaela asked me in tears the other day, "But what will Great-Papa do with his life now?" A great question from a 9.5 year old. What will he do? For the past 6.5 years his whole life has been the sickness and health part of those wedding vows. Has he ever lived alone? I don't know if he has. He certainly hasn't for the past 59 years. What will Great-Papa do with his life now? I watch him watch her and rub a hand over his face. He is deep in thought and I wonder if the same question is running through his mind.

She's cold now and beginning to experience pain. They brought a CD player in and instrumental music surrounds us. Overnight a picture of her from healthier days appeared on the bed stand. She is flashing her famous smile. She is famous for that smile, everyone comments on it. It is lively and warm. I looked up the meaning of her name the other day and it means "lively". That fits. She always had a smile on her face and in her eyes. The other night she smiled for my mom.

She is agitated and getting upset with me.
"Beth Ann, I really think I need to get up now and quit being so lazy."
"Now Beth Ann, I don't want to be known as a slouch so I think you should let me get up."
"I have rested enough, let me get up and get some work done."
"I've got work to do, I really think you need to let me get up so I am not accused of being lazy."
To keep her mind off of her agitation I bring up the pool that Grandpa built and us kids used. Lots of great memories and she smiles and even is able to produce a laugh at some of the antics I pull out of my memory.

The pain meds haven't hit yet and she winces and says her leg hurts. So I rub it. She settles down with my touch and falls to sleep. I kiss her on the forehead and leave for the night.

(November 24,2007)
She amazes me. Yes, she is still alive. She is still sharing her beautiful smile and is so kind and polite to people who come in. But the past two days have been hard. She is dead weight (no pun intended of course) and it takes more than 3 people to move her. Grandpa got to her this morning and she was crying. So now she is bed fast, she won't get out of bed again.

Last weekend Bradley came to visit her and she was very happy. At one point two of her daughters, three of her grandchildren, two great grandkids, and her husband were all in her room with her and she fell asleep with all of the noise and a smile on her face.

Two nights ago she told the doctor that she had a lot to live for! Bless her heart, I don't think she understands the reality. Earlier that day someone mentioned Thanksgiving was the next day and she looked at me and said, "Well I had better rest up tonight, tomorrow will be a big day." I told her to go ahead and rest. But on Thanksgiving morning she popped her eyes open and said to Grandpa, "Well, let's hit the road." She thought she was coming to mom's for the day.

(December 1, 2007)
It's been an up and down week. Hospice had to discharge her because she wasn't "actively dying" ~unbelievable. We understand on their end, it is this end that we are perplexed. More moments of taking deep breaths and trying to rest in God's sovereignty. So mom brought her into her house. I'm so proud of my mom. She has been amazing to watch in this process. She has been tender with Grandma, gracious with Grandpa. When hospice broke the news Grandpa burst out (literally) sobbing. He stood apologizing over and over to mom. She reminded him that it was okay with her, she made a promise.

On Sunday I was afraid to hold her hand. It looks so fragile. It is literally bones covered by skin. She is nothing, completely wasted away. I wonder how? How is she still alive?

She asked me about Paul and Rebecca. I called Paul and put the phone to her ear. The moment she hears his voice she begins to cry. She is very emotional these days. She tells me she had a bad night last night. She was restless and couldn't settle down. I asked her - was it your mind or your body that wouldn't settle? I think she is still having a slide show in her brain of the past 80 years of life. But she says it was her body. I secretly think it was a little of both.

Bless her heart, she remains so positive. The day she was transported she felt sick. The next day she slept most of the day and today she was transported back to hospice. She is officially "actively dying". Last night mom got 45 minutes of sleep. Grandma was agitated and restless. She was "mad" that mom wouldn't let her get out of bed and didn't know where she was. Her voice is gone, barely a whisper.

When the ambulance arrived to take her back to hospice the medics greeted her and she flashed them that famous smile. Mom and I think she will die with that smile on her face. I think it means she is at peace with her Lord.

The nurse asked her if she would like something to drink. "I would like some coffee please." Oh Grandma.

Grandpa had a "dream" last night. He said he heard three distinct knocks on the door and believes it was God letting him know he had come for Grandma. So this morning he told Grandma it was okay to go home and be with Jesus. He gave her permission to go. He cried. She said okay. I'm not sure he told her it was okay to go when they said their goodbyes almost three weeks ago.

(December 2, 2007)
We went to say "see you later" today. I cried. Her eyes are dull. But she smiles. I leaned into her face, kissed her, and with tears wetting her cheek I told her that she should go and I would see her again. I pulled back and she said, "Oh, did you grow up?" Yes, I answered, I have grown up. And I laid my head on her shoulder and she placed her hand so gently on my cheek and we cuddled.

Grandpa is touching her as much as he can. And she looks at him and smiles so big. 59 years of marriage. His eyes met mine over her head and he teared up.

I don't think I will see her this side of heaven again. I told her to go, be healthy, be whole, DANCE with Jesus. She nods. I tell her thank you for loving me well and for being a great Great-Mama. And then I kiss her and leave.

(December 3, 2007)
She told a nurse this morning that she was worried that Grandpa was going to die and she didn't want him to. He told her the other day to go be with Jesus and he would follow shortly. She took him literally. It's not what he meant, of course. He meant he is 80 and he will follow her "shortly". So they explained to Grandma what Grandpa meant and she was put at ease. She's still thinking of him.

Mom asked her if she was ready and she sighed and said "oh yes". Oh Jesus, would you please bring my Grandma home to you?

(December 4, 2007)
She was intent on talking today...but to nobody in particular. And most of it nobody could understand. I feel in my spirit that it was God and he was taking her through a time of cleansing. I only think this because mom understood a few phrases and they were "I'm so sorry" and "I love you girls so much".

(December 5, 2007)
She smiled at my mom and Grandpa this morning and then went into her own world.

Thank you Lord. She is home now and whole before you. Oh what a long journey this has been. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

In the Garden
(Verse 1)
I come to the garden alone,

While the dew is still on the roses;

And the voice I hear, falling on my ear,

The Son of God discloses.
(Chorus)
And He walks with me,

And He talks with me,

And He tells me I am His own;

And the joy we share as we tarry there,

None other has ever known.
(Verse 2)
He speaks, and the sound of His voice Is so sweet,

The birds hush their singing,

And the melody that He gave to me,

Within my heart is ringing.
(Verse 3)
I'd stay in the garden with Him,

Though the night around me be falling,

But He bids me go;

Through the voice of woe,

His voice to me is calling.

There's a chill in the air

It was a rather cold evening. The wind was blowing and the sky was dark. It was only 7 o'clock but it felt later. It had been a long day already and I felt like it was getting longer.

It wasn't just cold outside, my heart felt cold - iced over with pain and the beginning drops of anger. Lanny parked the car and we sat for a minute staring at the unusually packed Starbucks. Silently we exited the car, gripped hands, and made our way inside. A quick scan of the small but crowded place showed us the table we needed to head to and we made our way. A couple I knew was sitting just inside the door and I smiled tightly at them and hurried in the other direction. I wasn't up for small talk tonight.

We found our table and greeted one of two people we were meeting with. Knowing my love for coffee and Starbucks I was offered a drink. I turned it down. The thought of sipping coffee while engaged in a discussion that brought me pain made my stomach churn. It was a good decision. As we waited for the other person's arrival, sometimes engaging in stilted and awkward conversation but most often just sitting there looking at the crowded room, I shivered. Starbucks had the air conditioner still set for summer time temperatures and the night was cold. It fit the chill of the relationships represented at the table.

The other person finally arrived and squeezed in to our makeshift corner. It was probably good the place was crowded and noisy - not a lot of possibility for eavesdropping. We started conversing. Lanny went first, we had spent some time that afternoon praying together - asking God to show us what to say and how. I stayed quiet. Lanny finished and they began to speak. The conversation went back and forth - although I said little. I answered quickly and firmly. My shoulders were starting to ache from the cold of the room and the tension of our conversation.

I'd love to say at this point the conversation was the start of healing and the relationships started to mend. But that didn't happen. I have had few, if any other, conversations in a coffee house or anywhere else that ended as this one did. It ended with a realization that the relationship was unable to be fixed. I could easily be polite and civil with this person but the ease we once had with each other was finished. When something gets shattered it is no longer repairable, have you ever tried to glue shards of glass back together into the shape it once was? Impossible.

I've had coffee in that Starbucks many times since and God, in his grace, hasn't allowed me to dwell on that night. Here's where I will introduce the joy - yes JOY - of that night...

God's grace IS enough. That night led me into a deeper depression and an anger that I had to work through. My numb heart thawed and God showed me some deep truths and led me back to a place of healing and then beyond. God allowed that night to happen and even to this very day I am still gleaning lessons from that night and from the whole situation that night revolved around. That's grace and there's joy in that.

God's grace carried me when I could not take a step further on my own. A few months after the conversation at Starbucks God showed me his grace in another conversation, this time in an office. But by this time I was stronger and more settled in who I was in Christ and this time my answers were firm and clear and I spoke for myself and for what I knew God had shown me and done in me. Walking away from that meeting I was led into deeper grace.

The chilly Starbucks meeting taught me something - when there is a chill in the air, God's grace is enough to take the hurting heart into a place of healing and beyond.

Thank you Jesus for the warmth of your touch and the thaw of my numb heart.

An Internal Perspective

So remember your chains
Remember the prison that once held you
Before the love of God broke through
Remember the place you were without grace
When you see where you are now
Remember your chains
Oh, remember your chains
When you remember your chains
Remember your chains are gone
Imagine what your life would be
If Jesus had not set you free
Remember your chains are gone
Remember the prison that once held you
Before the love of God broke through
Remember your chains
And remember your chains are gone
(from the song "Remember Your Chains" by Steven Curtis Chapman)
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I'm not here to debate on the recent tragedy, nor am I here to comment on the opinions swirling around America right now concerning the handling of the situation. If you really want to know where I stand on those things e-mail me and I'll be glad to privately share with you my thoughts.

But I am here with a heavy heart. How can one not have a heavy heart in light of national events? My heavy heart forces me to go inside of myself and search myself for my responses and reactions.

So I will simply say that I realize that without Jesus Christ I am just as depraved, I am just as wicked, I am just as driven to hurt others as this man who carried out his wickedness on Monday. I am NO better than he apart from Christ. I'm not.

Oh, but I have Christ - who radically changes how I think and how I speak and how I behave. And while I am not perfect and I don't think, speak, or behave perfectly I at least have a hope to look to. I at least can look at where I was and where I am at and know that without Christ I am capable of wicked and evil things. Remembering the chains of flesh which once held me bondage to misery keeps me humble before my God.

Matthew 7:1-5 says this, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Some of you right now may be shaking your heads and thinking, "Whew, Beth, girl you have a looooong way to go on this whole judging thing." You know what? If you're thinking that, you're right. I do have a long way to go but all I do if I am tempted to be discouraged is look back at the chains that once held me. Where there was bondage to wickedness there is now freedom in Christ.

Am I going to be perfect? Have I arrived? The simple and honest answer is no. And because of that I will not pretend to know the answers to a situation that is so far beyond my comprehension, I will pray and look to the One who offers freedom from the wickedness I am prone to in my flesh.

I've drawn a circle around myself and change needs to begin with the one standing inside of that circle.
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Amazing Grace
by John Newton 1779 (take a look at this man's life!! He knows the depravity from which he was saved...)

Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear,
And Grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come.
'Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far
And Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His Word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures.

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we'd first begun.

A living definition

Lanny and I are big into meanings of names. We scoured baby name books during both of my pregnancies for meanings. Not names. Meanings. And then when we found a meaning we like or connected with we would look at the name to see if we liked that as well.

My name means "House of God" or "Consecrated to God" - big responsibility that I feel as I get older and grow more in my relationship with God.
Lanny's name means "Famous Land." I don't really have anything to say about that and he just shrugs his shoulders. He-he-he......

So when it came time for our kids - we prayed and we searched and we, after a lot of outside help, decided.

Mikaela Renee, born April 12, 1998, means "Who is like God" (Mikaela) and "Born Again" (Renee). And we have seen those things come to be in her life and heart. Her heart bleeds for the hurts and disappointments of others. Much like her God's. And on April 11, 2003 she asked Jesus into her heart, surprising both Lanny and I - we weren't prepared but she was!

And then Eliana Denae entered into our lives. I remember when we finally decided on her name. We were visiting some friends in Maryland and liked the meanings of both Eliana and Denae. Lanny wanted the first name to be Denae, I shot that down quick. It didn't set right in my heart but it went well with Eliana and served that name best as a middle name. Eliana Denae, born February 14, 2000, means "God has answered my prayers" (Eliana) and "Innocent" (Denae). And about one month ago it hit me with a force that I think I actually had to sit down. She is her name. And it was nothing that Lanny and I have done or haven't done. Eliana Denae is a living definition of her meaning.

Since Eliana was born she has injected a life, a challenge, a joy without conditions into our family. She is the one extrovert in a house with three introverts! Sometimes the three of us just sit and watch her flit and dance through the house. When we are out in public we have to keep her close, she makes friends with any and every body that she meets! Really. If you let her get too far away you will hear her say, "Want to be my friend?"

Have you met her personally?
She will STEAL your heart.

A friend once told her mother-in-law that if she was ever having a bad day all she had to do was talk to Eliana and then her whole day would turn around and be brighter. It's true. Eliana is a very bright, sparkly light in our world and anyone else's world she touches. She bounces up and down like Tigger. She is non-stop energy from the moment her eyes open in the morning to the minute her head hits the pillow at night. She thinks life is the greatest thing ever and anything about life excites her. Last year she won a car race at her Awana club - first place for speed and oh was she excited. She led a parade of boys around the sanctuary afterwards! The next day at school her teacher gave her a brand new orange folder to keep her papers in. The first place trophy from the night before was forgotten - she had a brand new orange folder! Oh it was so exciting for her. Life is Eliana's stage in which to dance and sing on.

So, Beth, what exactly does any of that have to do with meanings?
Or are you just finding shameless ways to brag on your kids? He-he-he

Well, let me tell you......

When Eliana could start communicating well with words she would pray at bedtime. Both of our girls do. But I began to pay attention because from the get-go she was praying deep. It wasn't just thank you's for food or clothes but it was intercession in its purest form. From the heart of a child. I would sit by her at night and listen to this little, innocent voice intercede for people and situations that she didn't understand but the Holy Spirit was prompting her to pray for. And as she has matured I began to notice that every so often something she would pray for would be answered. And as I really began to look at what she prayed for and what was happening I began to notice that her prayers were being answered. Wow! That's so cool. Thanks God for building the faith of our daughter in that way.

But it isn't for her that he is doing it.

Let me share some recent examples of Eliana's prayers:

• It was a snowy Saturday and we were in the midst of a blizzard. Eliana was supposed to go to a birthday party but we warned her it may not happen because of the snow. She asked what would need to happen for her to be able to go. We told her there needed to be blue skies and the snow needed to quit. She accepted that and went to play. Periodically she would go look out the window. Some time later in the morning she came to me and asked what it looked like outside. I sighed and said, "Eliana it is still...." and when I pulled up the shade there were blue skies and the snow had stopped. I turned around and she was jumping up and down and saying "Oh I knew it! I knew there would be blue skies. Now I can go to the party!" I asked her how she knew and this is what she said to me. "Mom, I was downstairs playing with my trains and I thought with my brain how I wanted to go to the party so I got on my knees and I told God that I wanted to go really bad and could he please change the sky to be blue and have no snow. God heard me and now I get to go to the party right?" YES I CRIED. I nodded yes and sent her out of the room, called Lanny in and made him cry!!
• One day on the playground last week Eliana was jump-roping. Eliana gets frustrated easily and gives up even easier. We are really working with her on that. Well she was getting frustrated with the jump-rope because she couldn't do something with it. And after school that day this is what she said to Lanny, "Dad, I was frustrated and I thought I should stop but then I told God I needed help and I knew I could do it because he was with me. And then I tried it again and I did it good! God was with me, I knew he was and that's why I did it good." YES LANNY CRIED. So then he had to tell me so I would cry!!

Eliana is a living, DANCING definition of her name.

Oh the middle name? Denae - "Innocent". Do you see it? Eliana is very innocent in the way she interacts with people and the way she speaks. "I thought with my brain" is one of her favorite ways to explain something.

If you haven't met her yet I hope one day you can. Your world will be a brighter place because of her heart!

Beth, you said God wasn't building her faith. Whose then? Why, mine and yours - of course.

"He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:2-4 (NIV)

"From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise..." Psalm 8:2a (NIV)

The Discipline Of Hearing

"Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light...." Matthew 10:27

Sometimes God puts us through the experience and discipline of darkness to teach us to hear and obey him. When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else once you are back in the light.

(Oswald Chambers - My Utmost for His Highest)

The relief of a new chance

"Then the Lord spoke to Jonah a second time" (Jonah 3:1)

"But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved." (Judges 16:22)

"The Lord says, 'I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.' " (Joel 2:25)

“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope...." (Hosea 2:14-15a)

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28)

"and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations." (Isaiah 61:3-4)
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God has a theme for my life and for yours.

We get new chances every day; to redeem words we didn't mean to say, situations we mishandled, lessons we missed, relationships that need to be reconciled, hearts that need to get right before God.

I am a walking, in-living-color, vivid example of God's fresh chances. My hair, like Samson's, is growing back. (For his full story check out Judges 16) There's where the story of second chances lies for my heart. My hair has been the source of joy and grief the past year and a half. But it is a very real sign of God's grace on my life and his protection of my heart.
If you haven't seen me in a while you may be surprised when you do or you may even walk right by me. My hair's growing. Now it's not down my back mind you, but it is to my shoulders and curlier than ever! It's earned me lots of pulling of the curls, new nicknames, and general speculation about it all.

I'm here to set the record straight.

It was suggested to me a little over a year ago that perhaps I should prayerfully consider growing my hair back out. Pray about hair? Does God really care about the length of one's hair? Call me crazy if you want but my answer is going to be - YES. I think he cares. About the length of my hair that is. And here's why. It's not about my hair, it's about my heart. WHAT?!?! Now you really think I'm crazy don't you? Stay with me on this one. When my daughter was 6.5 months old I chopped my waist length hair to my shoulders. I felt inconvenienced by it. I ended up twisting it into a bun on top of my head everyday. Not so attractive day in and day out mind you. So I chopped it and then it just got shorter and shorter until it was really short. And I was oblivious to what it did to my spirit. The shorter my hair got the more unhappy I became in my heart, the more withdrawn I became from people, the more I withdrew - much to my shame - from my husband. Yes, all due to the length of my hair. Interesting isn't it?

But then God began to move. He led me into the desert to speak to me tenderly (e.g. Hosea 2:14). He captivated me until my heart was fully his again and then he spoke. Now, he wasn't audible and he actually never confirmed with a "yes" or a "no" but he spoke and I know it now. I prayed about my hair and decided that since I wasn't getting an answer either way I would just start growing it until I heard from him. And here I am with it down to my shoulders and confirmation in my spirit that it was what he wanted me to do. I'll let you in on the secret to this knowledge.

I feel different in my spirit. My heart feels lighter, there's more joy, there's more peace, I'm willing to be more open. The longer my hair gets the more I want to minister to others. The longer my hair gets the closer I cleave to my husband's side. ALL BECAUSE OF HAIR!!!! I know some of you think I'm nuts but I am telling you with clarity of mind and heart, I am for real on this.

I mentioned the grief it has caused me. Well, yes there has been that. Because of the general speculation some conclusions were made about why I was growing out my hair that didn't match my reputation nor my character. I've had to allow God to defend me on those accusations. In the secret places of my heart those careless ideas about me have stung, wounded, and caused division and strife. But God has proven - yet once again - faithful to his word. Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." In the midst of the pain of betrayal over my hair God did a beautiful thing. He took my valley of trouble and transformed it into a true gateway of hope (e.g. Hosea 2:15). He took my marriage that was good and molded it into something even better -great! He took the remaining pieces of my heart and healed them in ways I didn't think would actually happen! He made my tears into rainbows and placed a value on the thorn that had stuck me and caused my heart to bleed. It is a beautiful thing when God takes the ashes and turns them into beauty, when he restores the joy and then doubles it, when he repairs the devastated places of a heart (e.g. Isaiah 61:3-4).

I thought about cutting my hair. Fine, I thought, if they think its for that reason then I will prove to them its not. But what's more significant? What God thinks or what a few select people think? What carries more weight with my heart? The kind words of a friend who told me how wonderful my spirit was with longer hair or the uninformed words of people who don't know me?

My hair is staying as is - I want others to know when they look at me that not only do I look different on the outside but I look really different on the inside.

Praising God for his new chances......

The value of a thorn

My God,
I have never thanked thee for my thorn.
I have thanked thee a thousand times
for my roses,
but never once for my thorn.
Teach me the glory of my cross,
teach me the value of my thorn.
Show me that I have climbed to thee
by the path of my pain.
Show me that my tears have made
my rainbows.

(George Matheson)

How "complete" are you?

Every morning I get up and head to our neighborhood clubhouse and walk on the treadmill. I usually hit the "quick start" button and just start walking but recently I started entering in a time limit, my weight, and my age and then the treadmill counts down for me. Walking on the treadmill has become something I count on, I look forward to. I'm not a very active person and I like this activity. I like the feeling of being in motion. It appears as if I am headed no where yet in my spirit I am headed to great places. There's not a lot of spiritual analogies I can pull from a treadmill but when I was least expecting it God hit me with one.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

I have been walking on the treadmill since sometime in October (2006) and I refused to jog or run on that thing. I hate jogging, I hate running. But I began to feel an urge to pick up the speed a bit. So in December I tried running for 2 minutes. I thought I was going to die. I mean it. I really thought it was over. But I survived and then challenged myself to add in 2 more minutes. Now I am up to 6 minutes. 2 minute intervals at three different places during my work out. And I still think I am going to die. But what I am doing is building up my endurance.

The other day I was running and all of a sudden the treadmill flashed this message at me, "10% complete". I think it's supposed to give me hope that I have finished part of my work out. I admit it helps. And then when I was running for the second time it flashed at me, "40% complete" and I thought, "C'mon Beth, you are stronger than 2 minutes of running. You are stronger than this treadmill. You are stronger than you were last month or even last year. YOU CAN DO THIS." By the time it flashed at me, "50% complete" I was soaking in Philippians 1:6. God had a message for me that went far beyond the treadmill.

How "complete" am I? I'm 32 years old, what percentage am I sitting at? And I don't mean in my physical body but in my spiritual soul. Each trial, each challenge, each heartache ups my percentage a bit. And God doesn't and won't give up on me until I am 100% complete. I might be tempted to throw in the towel but God always sends something or someone my way that reminds me of who I am. I am stronger than the trial. I am stronger than the pain of it. I am stronger than I was last month or last year. I CAN DO THIS. Each time I have to push harder and what happens is my endurance is built and strengthened. Each challenge that comes my way I handle differently - better. I have more grace, my tongue is softer, my spirit softer and yet stronger.

So how "complete" am I? I don't know. But I will say this, the treadmill of life has brought me to some deep, wonderful, painful places and I up my percentage point each time I look to God to be the completer of me. He strengthens my spirit and builds my endurance.

Anyone up for a run?

Are you setting a Milestone or a Stonewall?

The following post does not come from my hand but my heart agrees with it. I pass it on to you in hopes that you also are blessed by it and it is confirmed in your spirit as well.
____________________________________________________________________
"Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead" Philippians 3:13

Tye Tribbett has a song that starts out saying "everybody just look back".We used to sing a song in church when I was younger that suggested to "look where He brought me from". But not in every occasion do we need to look back. There are times when looking back isn't setting a milestone, but it's setting up stonewall. Sometimes looking back can hold you back; for good.
For example, the very recent last year yielded very distasteful experiences for some and God delivered you from them. Some relationships were strained or destroyed because they weren't ordained by God to be so. Some doors were closed tightly and shut to the point of lockout because God had another plan for you. Some prophetic words spoken over your life didn't come to pass, because it wasn't the time or the season, or it may have been because God wasn't speaking after all. Some goals were not met and the truth is, they may never be, because they were "good" ideas and not "GOD" ideas. Leave them behind and press on ahead. God delivered Lot and his family out of a tumultuous place on the brink of destruction with a warning NOT to look back. When Lot's wife disobeyed and looked back, she was instantly turned into a column of salt. Lot's wife wasn't just taking a glance back to see if someone was behind her. She looked back with angst at what she left behind instead of looking ahead in expectation of the deliverance that God was bringing them into. Don't be like her. In this instance, I believe the salt represents bitterness. When we revel in the past and what could have been, it is very easy for bitterness to become our portion. We can too easily embrace the negative experiences and question"why?", instead of submitting our will to God and answering 'Yes, Lord whatever your will, be it unto me."
Are you setting a milestone or building a stonewall in your life by looking back? I encourage you to let go of 2006. All of your missed appointments, limp ambitions and disappointing deadlines. Completely and totally embrace God's plan for you in 2007. Whatever it is, whatever it looks like. You may have to scrap your 2006 unfinished projects and get a fresh blueprint from the Master. One thing is guaranteed, with God leading your way, you cannot go wrong.

(by Tracy Gale - laCe Ministry.org)

Suffering - Past, Present, and Future

"None of us has suffered more in kind or degree than God himself. He has suffered in every generation of human history and in every way humans suffer. No matter where we go in our sufferings, He will be there ahead of us."

-Barbara Mouser
Knowing God, Understanding Man-

And then, it was yesterday

Yesterday

God is the God of our yesterdays.

It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return,

but God can transform this destructive anxiety

into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future.

Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.

Leave the broken, irreversible past in his hands,

and step out into the invincible future with him.

(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest)

It's that time of year. Resolutions float in the air like promises we mean to keep but by mid-January will be covered with the dust of our forgetfulness or the disappointment of failure. I don't make resolutions. It seems like too much of a set-up for disappointment down the road. I always end up disappointed with myself that I didn't have enough discipline or self-control or whatever was called for. The older I get the more I realize that each day I make resolutions and each day is a new chance for me to fulfill or fail them.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great

love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

(Lamentations 3:19-26)

My year doesn't start with the turn of a calendar page from December 31 to January 1. It never has. I have a friend whose "year" always starts in June. Life just seems to happen for both of us outside of the January 1 "fresh start" that the rest of the world seems to live for. My year always starts around my birthday so I'm four months into my new year. Even so, this time of the year always causes me to stop for a moment or two of reflection. It never fails to amaze me what changes in such a short amount of time. 365 days sounds like a lot of time but in the big picture it is really nothing. And in that time plans are made, broken, changed and altered. In that time relationships are formed and relationships are broken, feelings change, promises are made and broken, jobs begin and end, and the list goes on and on.

I've had a hard yet victorious "year" so far. I'm a quarter of the way through and the personal transformation becomes more and more evident with each passing day. Oh, I have my days of set backs and my moments of yuck but the growth is evident. The one thing I still struggle to keep at the front of everything is praise. I have so many God stories and so many evidences of his hand on me and on my family the past four months but I so quickly lose sight of those when I'm in a yuck moment. So as I continue in my year and as a new calendar year begins I have purposed to be more worshipful as the storms rage around me. And I'm not dumb, there are going to be storms because life is like that. But I know, and I hope you do too, that is it the storms that test our character and grow us into who we are created to be.

I was sure by now/That you would have reached down/And wiped our tears away/Stepped in and saved the day/But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining/As the thunder rolls/I barely hear you whisper through the rain/"I'm with you"/And as your mercy falls/I raise my hands and praise the God who gives/and takes away

I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For you are who you are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

I remember when/I stumbled in the wind/You heard my cry/You raised me up again/My strength is almost gone/How can I carry on/If I can't find you/I lift my eyes unto the hills/As the thunder rolls/I barely hear you whisper through the rain/"I'm with you"/And as your mercy falls/I raise my hands and praise the God who gives/and takes away

I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For you are who you are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

Where does my help come from?/My help comes from the Lord/The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For you are who you are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

(Casting Crowns, Lifesong, 2005)

I will choose to praise God because so far in this year I have seen him raise up my head from grief, raise up my husband to be the man he was created to be - my protector and my courage, raise up on our behalf financially and provide for the needs of our family, bring forth those silver and gold friendships, raise my spirit within me to be who I have never been before, and knit me to my family as never before.

“Therefore we do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away,

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us

an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,

but on what is unseen.

For what is seen is temporary,

but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Test of Faithfulness

It is only a faithful person who truly believes that God sovereignly controls his circumstances. To be faithful in every circumstance means that we have only one loyalty, or object of our faith - the Lord Jesus Christ. If we will just learn to worship God even during the difficult circumstances, he will change them for the better quickly if he so chooses.

- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest -

A most unusual coffee house

For the length of about two months my bedroom became my coffee house. No, really.

I am sure you are wondering what I mean by that. Let me explain.

Some time ago I was handed a piece of paper and there, in black and white, was written all these things about me that were "wrong." And it threw me. So my home became my refuge and my bedroom became my coffee house. And it was there that I handed God the piece of paper and said, "Really?"

My brother works at Starbucks and he gets a pound of coffee a week. So he would send me his pounds when I needed a fix. I went through a lot of coffee in that couple of months. I would brew up a pot after dropping my girls off at school and retreat to my bedroom. Why my bedroom? It's where I began to feel the safest. We have a big king size bed, I would just lay there and spread out my books and my journal and my Bible and just allow God to say whatever he wanted to. So my bedroom became my coffee house for a season.

The interesting thing about this piece of paper that so "definitively" defined me is that it ended up being the very thing that got me out of my bedroom and into life again. I took each point and I gave it to God and I asked him to tell me if any of it were true. And he was faithful to do just that. I would drink my coffee, journal my hurt, read what he had to say from his Word and discover who I really was in him. Ephesians 2:10 says that I am a masterpiece, created by him and for him to do good things. I already knew that but someone else tried to take that away from me. So God reminded me. He created me and I do good things for him.

Several places in the Bible point to the gifts that God gives each of his creation. I'm not talking about gifts of the material persuasion, I'm talking about gifts that last. Gifts that are built into the very fiber of who we are. Some of the gifts God specifically mentions are things like serving, teaching, encouraging, helping, generosity, leadership, mercy (Romans 12). The question is, if God gives me the gift what will I do with it? I could abuse it. Or I could use it. The choice is mine. I discovered something at my home coffee house. I use my gifts well. What was said about me out of confidence was really said out of cowardice - it was said out of issues that have nothing to do with me. And once God showed me that I began to heal and to rest.

I have moved out of my bedroom coffee house and back into life. However, I have managed to carve out some bedroom coffee house time for myself each morning before the rest of my world wakes up. After all, it's HIS black and white list that counts in the end.

Lessons for my daughter

I have managed to get both of my daughters "addicted" to Starbucks! Lanny isn't too thrilled but it's a great place to go to have a cheap date with them!

So I take my daughters on dates to Starbucks because they have no problem talking for any length of time! Lanny would say they take after me. Boy, is he in trouble as they get older. Hehehe......

I picked a Saturday and took Mikaela for a date. She picked the place - Starbucks - and I picked what we would talk about - how God made her special. She got a hot chocolate and I needed caffeine that morning so I got a strong coffee.

Mikaela is 8 1/2 years old and wonderful. Beautiful auburn hair, freckles that scatter across her nose and cheeks (we say they are souvenirs from Walt Disney World - she had no freckles at all until we went there!), a very compassionate heart, an amazing artistic talent, an excellent reader, a loyal and good friend. And she's a pre-teen. Already. I think that category starts younger and younger with each passing year.

When Mikaela was in first grade she put on a pair of cute jeans I had bought her and burst into tears. I was confused. I finally got it out of her - she thought the jeans made her look fat. WHAT?!?!? In first grade? Where did this thought, this idea spring from? Lanny shoots me dirty looks as if it is my fault but it's not. It's our world and the emphasis, even in first grade, that we must look a certain way. I told her that she didn't have to wear the jeans again, I'd save them for Eliana. But that concerned me, this was starting way too early. I wasn't prepared. I'm not prepared.

This led to the idea that on our dates I had better start getting her heart in the right place concerning who she is and how she looks. So that Saturday morning we sat in a Starbucks and started to talk. I have a book called, "Just Mom and Me Having Tea" and it's a fun devotional book for moms and daughters to do together and it's all about how God made us and how special we are.

Chapter 1: God Made Me Special.
"You made me and formed me with your hands. I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well." (Psalm 119:73, 139:14) Wait a minute. What's this? Why do I have tears in MY eyes? Oh well, I just must be emotional today or something. Okay, let's get to the study.
"Seeing myself as being someone special takes clear thinking. I can't be full of pride over who I am, but God's love does set me apart. And I'm learning that if I know I'm special in God's sight, my daughter will follow in my footsteps." (Lori Wick) What is going on with me today? What is my problem? Shoot, now I need a Kleenex. Yes, Mikaela I'm fine. I'm really okay.
"God looked at everything he had made, and said it was very good." (Genesis 1:31) God? Really? Right now, this very moment, you look at me and call me very good? But God don't you look in the mirror when I do? Don't you see? I see and I'm not sure I would call it very good! And then there's the stuff nobody else can see but I do. Are you sure even I am included in that "very good"? Okay, okay. Fine. You look at me and call me very good. Huh. I think I'm going to have to chew on that a little longer - yes I know I have been chewing on it for years but just a little longer? No? Why not? Yes, of course I believe you and yes of course I believe all that you have created is good! Oh, that includes me. Well, if it helps, my head does know that but my heart is having a hard time connecting with that. Why? Well, I don't know why. I guess because I am unhappy with my body and the roller coaster it is on continuously, I guess because I see women who are so beautiful and then here I am - 5'2", boring dark hair, face still breaking out like a teenager's, body size going up and down. What? Oh yeah Mikaela I'm fine. Sorry. Okay where were we?
What are two or three things you like about yourself? I can do this - no problem. After all I have greatly improved over the past year! I can even tell people thank you when they compliment me and not roll my eyes at the same time! I like my curly hair, my toes (!), and the color of my eyes. Okay, I agree the last one is a stretch. Really I could only think of two but I threw the last one in cause I don't not like the color of my eyes! Plus Mikaela thought of three things she liked about herself and so I felt the "pressure" to do the same! Okay, this isn't so bad. And really God I do like my curly hair and I really do like my cute toes! I actually like my height, I don't mind being short - I fit Lanny perfectly. I think the tears have passed. Whew. Crying in the middle of a busy, crowded Starbucks is kind of the last thing I wanted to do today. Moving on. We have to pray for each other? No problem!
Uh oh, problem. My sweet Mikaela is praying for me and I'm crying AGAIN. What is WRONG with me today? Yes, I hear you God. I think I'm beginning to get it. I'm special just like Mikaela is. Yes, I get what you are saying - the lesson isn't just for Mikaela. Her mommy needs it to. Thanks God, I needed my heavenly daddy to speak to me this day. The lesson was for two daughters, not just one.

Oh, and God? I really do like my curls, so thanks!!!

Discovering Divine Design

We can all see God in exceptional things, but it requires the growth of spiritual discipline to see God in every detail. Never believe that the so-called random events of life are anything less than God's appointed order. Be ready to discover his divine designs anywhere and everywhere.

- Oswald Chambers -

My addition:
Even a simple cup of coffee can turn into a divine design, be ready for the discoveries!

As if another reason was necessary...

There are a few things my husband, Lanny, does that tells me just how much he loves me. One of them is sitting in a coffee house with me. When we were dating I found out he didn't even like the smell of coffee much less the taste - and yet I still married him! That's okay because he found out on the same date that I am a total wimp and don't like spicy foods at all. So I figure we are even! Now we go on a date night every Wednesday night and pretty much we end up at Starbucks - I'm just a little obsessed. So anyways, the point is that my husband shows me he loves me by willingly sitting in a Starbucks with me for upwards of two hours so that we can talk and be together. SIGH. Now that's love.

It was a colder night in March and we decided to go on a date. Since we are "financially challenged" the date was a luxury for me and a show of love for him. We ended up at "my" Starbucks and even scored the comfy chairs! He got a hot chocolate and I got...something. Perhaps a Chai that night so he would kiss me later on! We settled in and began to talk. We had been taking a marriage class at church and there was this list we were given of 55 questions for a husband to ask his wife so he could get to know her better. So we thought we'd talk through a couple of them.

Question 1 - What is your favorite color and why? So many times we stop at what is your favorite color but did you ever take it a step further and ask why? My answer: purple, because it reminds me of Christ and the choice that he made for me and everyone else.

During our conversation I noticed Lanny moving around and so I finally asked, "What are you doing?"
And he sheepishly looked at me and said, "What?"
I said, "Why are you moving around like that?"
And then he told me. Now mind you, we had been married for 8 1/2 years at this time and so one would think that we knew each others habits pretty well by this time. I found out we didn't! Here's what he had to say. "I'm centering myself."*
WHAT?!?!
So I asked, "What do you mean?"
And he went on to say that whenever he sits down, lays down, or is standing - so pretty much whenever - he has to center himself with the person he is looking at or with an object.
WHAT?!?!
I had never noticed him doing it before but I do now! And what is so funny is that he does it without really thinking about it and so whoever he is talking to will give him strange looks at times because he is concentrating first on "centering" himself with someone.

That was one of the best date nights we have ever had. He learned something about me (and remembers it to this day!) and I learned something about him. I guess my sister-in-law is right, marriage is a marathon not a sprint. We have a long lifetime of learning about one another. It took me about 7 years into our marriage to discover his favorite kind of cake.

So, if you're married go on a date! Grab a cup of coffee at your favorite coffee house and start learning something new about one another! Just another reason to love a good cup of coffee. As if you needed another reason...

*Permission was granted by Lanny to share this odd habit with everyone!

A Departure from the Coffee House

I'm departing from the coffee house for a brief moment because I can! (If you need to grab a cup of coffee or tea then please feel free to do so!) What is on my heart has nothing to do with a conversation I have had in a coffee house but I am sure this conversation could be happening in a coffee house somewhere at this very moment. In fact, it's a good guess of mine that it is.

Years ago I sat in a church sanctuary with Lanny and we heard a message that really impacted us. In fact it impacted us so much so that even to this very day we quote it to one another and use it with others. The text was out of the Old Testament and it was the story of a man who sinned against God and therefore he sinned against others as well. The nation of Israel was told to go and conquer the city of Ai and they were told by the Lord to not plunder the city for it was unclean. But this man, Achan, couldn't help himself. He took a few things and hid them. He told nobody, not even his wife. Oh, but God knew. And God called him out in front of the entire nation. And as a result he and his family were punished for this sin that he alone committed. (See Joshua 7 for the full story) Achan thought nobody would be touched by it but it ended up costing him his life and the lives of his family. It ended up costing the nation of Israel when they went to go take a city that should have been easy to defeat but wasn't. His sin had consequences that went outside of himself. His sin was not self-contained but contaminated his family and his nation. It was a powerful message Lanny and I heard that day. It was a powerful realization that when I sin it has consequences I haven't considered that could be far-reaching. Oh, the pastor that preached the message? Ted Haggard from New Life Church. Yes, THAT Ted Haggard.

Thursday night, November 2, God returned me back to that powerful message from Ted. You know messages shouldn't be from people but from God to all of his people, even those he calls to be pastors. Many times my pastor can be heard saying that before he delivers the message to us on Sunday mornings he has been wrestling it through in his own heart and life, that's the way it should be. So did I have a moment of "I knew this would happen satisfaction" when I heard the news? Yes, (am I proud of that? NO) it lasted about 5 seconds until I realized the severity of the situation. Until I realized that whatever Ted did do will have far reaching consequences for his family, his congregation, and the literal millions of people who trusted him as the head of the NEA. And then my heart became, as Dr. James Dobson has said as well, "heartsick." Oh I am heartsick for Ted Haggard. He is a human man, flawed like all humans, on the Philippians 1:6 road like all humans. No matter my feelings or thoughts about him in the past, I echo a friend who said this is not what I would have wanted for him, for Gayle and the kids, for New Life congregation. (If you are up for a bold, honest essay on Ted's public fall from grace check out http://thereadyroom.blogspot.com/ )

Probably like a lot of people in Colorado Springs I had trouble sleeping Thursday night. It was o'dark-thirty on Friday morning when I stirred and when I had exited my restless sleep I heard God tell me to start praying for Ted and so I did. I prayed. I prayed things for him that were directed by God as I was still on the edge of sleep. I didn't and I haven't stopped. I woke up with a heavy heart and prayed, I walked the treadmill at my clubhouse and prayed - especially when the Today Show did a short segment on him and there he was splashed all over national news, I prayed as I had lunch with a friend, I prayed as a friend and I discussed what each of us felt God asking us to pray for, I prayed as I realized that perhaps it is "easy" right now to point the finger at Ted because his sin has been publicly exposed and expect repentance to come but as I realized that I have sins that haven't been exposed and how much more do I need to repent of them?

We are ALL sinners and at any moment in a number of ways our sins could be publicized. Even if we aren't national news figures we could still manage to pull off a great shock within our circles of influence. What secret sins am I carrying deep in my heart? What sins are you carrying deep within? None of us can point that finger at Ted and gleefully declare his shortcomings without realizing that truly there are 3 fingers pointing back at us. Oh may Ted repent but may we repent with him.

By the way, I have to say so far I am proud of the Body of Christ. There has been no condemnation from any that I have spoken to, only a deep realization that it could have been them. There is compassion for Ted and a heart to see him restored.

My prayer is we continue on that path of offering grace and prayer for a man who puts his pants on like all the rest of us - one leg at a time.

The Trial of Faith

Never confuse the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, because a great deal of what we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive. Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts him - a faith that says, "I will remain true to God's character whatever he may do."

- Oswald Chambers -

A Snapshot of Understanding

The tension had been building. Oh, it was subtle to an untrained eye but we both knew it was there. Petty quibbles about policy, schedules, or structure. They had become tedious and both of us had enough. We weren’t friends, just acquaintances working together. Truthfully I don’t think we desired to be friends with one another, we were just too different. But we had to iron some things out, the chain of command needed to be understood and it needed to happen soon. A neutral place where neither one of us could lose control and where we both could feel some measure of comfort. And the perfect place came to me in an instant – Starbucks.

I went, ready for battle. I am sure my opponent was preparing for battle as well. This wasn’t a friendly little chat over coffee. We both had something to prove. Halfway to Starbucks, as I am praying, a voice interrupts mine.
“Beth?”
“Yes, God?”
“Why don’t you go in love instead of prepared for war? Help her to see some things. Show her, don’t tell her.”
“But God…”
“No buts. Be the peacemaker, this doesn’t have to be a war.” (Author Ken Sandee says, "The more you engage another's heart and the less you declare his or her wrongs, the more likely he or she is to listen to you." -The Peacemaker, page 175)
“Well okay, if you think that’s what I should do.” (Is it me or is the sarcasm and disbelief in my voice thicker than a pot of badly brewed coffee?)
Oddly, God’s idea gave me a lot more peace than my own battle plan had been giving me. So I got to Starbucks with a totally different plan. I secured a table for two, set my notebook down, and got my Chai Latte. She arrived, ordered her coffee, and looked at me.

I took a deep breath and asked if before we started with her lengthy list could I please begin by explaining a few things? She agreed and I began. This is where I faded out of the picture all together and God intervened. I don’t really know what all came out of my mouth but I do know it was all directed by God. After I finished she just sat there and said, “Well, that helped.” Okay. Now we are getting somewhere. So I asked her to go down her list and we would discuss each question or concern in detail until understanding was reached. Do you think we had to cover her whole list? Of course not!

We ended the night in laughter, sharing each other’s hearts concerning this ministry we were both involved in together and sharing ideas for how to improve things. I walked out of Starbucks that night with a new friend and a new ally in the ministry. God’s battle plan was so successful that it sticks with me all these years later. My new friend and I went on to minister together for a couple of years in the same capacity and then God stretched us and had us minister together in a new capacity for a season. We both point back to that night in Starbucks as the turning point, when we both allowed God to intervene and do what needed to be done. God knew I needed to learn to trust his battle plan and not my own and I needed to learn that conflict could be a healthy thing when he is in the midst of it.
And he did it all over a cup of coffee.

An Invitation

It is an unobtrusive corner, a wingback chair is my current companion. I am waiting for a friend. And as I wait, I quietly observe the sights, smells, and sounds of “my” coffee house. The rich, robust coffee permeates the air and swirls around me. It invades my senses and I breathe deep. Few smells have the power to relax me in such a way but this is one of them. It is quiet at the moment. The evening rush hasn’t occurred yet and I notice that two others are waiting as well. There is only one girl working tonight and as I wait she brings me a glass of ice water with a kind smile. This kind of courtesy is missing today so I am touched by her thoughtfulness. Light jazz is playing throughout the house. Although I know none of the songs I am put at ease. It has been a stressful day. I juggle many things and God knows I need this coffee house as a place of refuge if only for a few moments.

Finally my friend arrives. Another mom who leads a stressful life like I do, who relates to me as we share our stories of the day. We go up to order. An iced latte for me, yes to the whipped cream! A piece of Boston Crème pie for her and a Coke on ice. We head back to our wingback chairs and a bit of “silence”. No toddlers, no husbands, no television just soft jazz and coffee. We chat about nothing and everything. Most of it has no meaning but hidden in between the lines are tidbits of frustration shared, victories won, and the unconditional love we hold for our families. The two hours fly by and we are left with nowhere to go but home. So we go. And as I walk back in the door to the chaos of my life I am refreshed and energized to do it all over again.

My time at the coffee house can be like my relationship with God. Sometimes I just sit and wait in some corner. I quietly observe the sights, smells, and sounds that accompany Who he is. His fragrance invades my heart and I breathe deep. He puts a quiet song in my mind to relax me. He is always faithful, always willing to provide a quiet place for me to regroup. A time to gain his perspective on my busy days. Sometimes I chat with him about nothing but most of the time I chat with him about everything.

So grab a cup of coffee, or tea if you prefer, I invite you to listen in on my coffee house conversations....