The Speech of Fools

Jun 2nd, 9:38pm
I am not happy to be woke up to be asked for money by your radio station. So what if the law says you can. You lost a loyal listener.

Jun 9th, 3:38pm
We apologize for any inconvenience you experienced recently regarding our radio station. We do our best to be mindful of time zones and times of day that is acceptable for phone calls. We won't always be perfect with the call times so we are very sorry that you were awoken by our call, we wouldn't have liked it nor appreciated it either. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience. Sincerely, Radio Station

Jun 9th, 3:41pm
No worries. Sad that you have to make phone calls for money.

Jun 9th, 4:18pm
In part asking for money is part of our station mission because we desire listener support and to have flexibility that being owned by a corporation wouldn't allow. The cost of running a radio station in any one area, not to mention in several areas as this radio station is, requires that we invite people (and businesses) to invest in the station itself. If we were a corporation run radio station and owned by a conglomerate then we would have a lot more funds available to us to air the station but we wouldn't have the freedoms we have with content, etc. We made the decision years ago, by being a listener supported station, that the pros outweighed the cons for our particular goals and mission. This means that we do pledge drives and we make follow up phone calls to previous and current listeners asking if they would like to be an impact partner to keep this radio station in their local communities. It is our hope that you will understand the position we are in as we try to reach people with God in this particular format. Sincerely, Radio Station

Jun 9th, 5:02pm
Budget better and don't call people. Extend your pledge drive.

Jun 10th, 6:08am
Thank you for your suggestions.

Yep. That's an actual conversation I had with someone not too long ago. I didn't make a word of it up, it's all verbatim. I was fine until the highlighted response. Really? I mean, gee we hadn't thought about a budget. Huh, we'll have to give that a go. *scratches head*

Unbelievable. We all can be unbelievably ridiculous when we presume to be an expert on something we know nothing about or when we think the answer is so black and white. Unbelievable.

The conversation I had with the listener above reminded me to quit being unbelievably ridiculous. Don't speak into something that isn't black and white, that I don't know anything about, that I haven't taken the time to look into and get the facts. When I open my mouth and speak about things that I actually know nothing about all I end up doing is alienating people and looking like a fool.

There are proverbs that speak about fools and their speech. I wince when I read a proverb about how a fool talks and realize I have been a fool from time to time. Proverbs 18:2 says, "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions." OUCH. I don't know about *you* but that stings a bit. In my conversation the disgruntled listener I gave some fairly clear understanding in my explanation of why we choose to ask for money. Their response proved that they didn't care about understanding, just in doling out their version of advice. That listener, in that conversation, was the fool.

Customer Service always provides a lot of great examples for foolish people and interactions.  A few months ago I was engaged in another conversation with a disgruntled listener and this proverb came to life, "Don’t answer fools when they speak foolishly, or you will be just like them.  Answer fools when they speak foolishly, or they will think they are really wise." (Proverbs 26:4-5)  Wait. What? It says don't answer them or you look like a fool but then it says if you don't answer them they think they have won the "argument."  Well, which is it?  It turns out it is both! Some situations we should apply the first idea and in other situations we should apply the second. The offended listener that helped me navigate this particular proverb took us through both scenarios. The complaint came in so I, in the spirit of the second way to answer a fool, sent a reply back. The person was very unhappy with my crafted response so they responded back (see Proverbs 18:2 above for an idea of their response) and I was then compelled to respond according to scenario number 1 which is to not respond at all.  This made them extra mad because by this point it was clear I was supposed to take their side and change our entire programming just to please them and their opinions of which they didn't want to take a deeper look at to examine for change.  So I answered for understanding and then I didn't answer because there didn't need to be two fools attempting to converse.

I realize both of these examples don't seem to put me in the fool category but believe me, I've been the fool plenty of times in my 41 years of life. We all have had moments of playing the fool and being the wise. The key to being mature about it is when we can recognize our foolishness and 'fess up to it before too many other people notice it, are alienated by it, or have to deal with us because of it.  Confucius said, "To know that one knows what one knows, and to know that one doesn't know what one doesn't know, there lies true wisdom." The older I get the more aware of what it is I don't know, so shouldn't speak about, and what I do know, and should only speak about when invited or strongly compelled by the Holy Spirit.

I'm grateful for these recent interactions that have caused me to examine myself to make sure I'm not behaving and speaking like a fool. It doesn't mean I don't ever play the fool but I'm becoming more and more aware of when I'm headed in that direction.  And I'd rather keep that information to myself than let it be known to others. *grin*
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." (This wise quote is attributed to many people. Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain being two of them.)

Same Place, Different Angle

Have you ever stood, whether it is literally or figuratively, in the same place as someone and yet when you compared what you saw it was very different things?  Perhaps you each noticed different people or different tones of voice. Perhaps each of you picked up different verbal and non-verbal signals or nuances.  Maybe the same place you are standing has more than one problem, issue, or topic to focus on and each of you have been drawn to different ones.  Have you ever stood in that same place with someone and been amazed, or maybe frustrated, that what is being experienced isn't the same but in fact very different?

In a much simpler vein have you ever stood in the same exact place as someone and you both snapped a picture and when you looked at them you had both captured different perspectives of the same exact scene? My first trip to NYC we went to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. Walking around the island that is home to Lady Liberty my brother and I both spied a great shot for a picture. Without discussing it or perhaps even realizing we had both seen the exact same shot we stopped and each of us took a picture. We even crouched in a similar manner to get in the shot what we both had seen.  Our pictures came out the same but yet very different. He was somehow able to capture things about the shot that I didn't see or pick up on.

Take a look at the following pictures. They are of the same exact places but taken from different perspectives.  Meet me below after you look through the pictures. *wink*

Central Park, New York City

The Forbidden City, Beijing China

Hollywood Sign, California

Las Vegas Strip, Nevada

Little Mermaid, Copenhagen Denmark

Mona Lisa, The Louvre

Mont St. Michel, France

Mount Rushmore, South Dakota

Niagara Falls, New York/Canada

Pyramids of Giza, Egypt

Rock of Gibraltar, Iberian Peninsula

Sagrada Familia, Barcelona Spain

Santorini, Greece

St Basil's Cathedral, Moscow Russia

Stonehenge, United Kingdom

The Acropolis, Athens Greece

The Alamo, Texas

The Arc de Triomphe, Paris

The Brandenburg Gate, Berlin Germany

The Great Wall of China ends abruptly as soon as it reaches the ocean

The Pantheon of Rome, Italy

The Taj Mahal, India

I am fascinated by the above perspective pictures. Neither picture invalidates what is being looked at, it just provides a different angle, a different view, a different perspective on that (in the case of these pictures) landmark/historical marker.

This happens all the time in life and it is an opportunity for collaboration or conflict. I can't keep track of the number of times someone else and I have stood in the same place on an issue or something but we have had very different views of how to execute it or approach it or settle it. Does that mean that one of us doesn't have valid ideas, thoughts, etc? No, it just means that we are coming at it differently and for some reason, in our culture, if we do that then we must be at odds and gather people on sides and make some noise. Why? Why is that "a thing"? Why can't we agree to agree and agree to disagree and honor the other person's intentions and motivations as they have been expressed sincerely, passionately, and with a desire for improvement?  Why are we threatened when someone expresses a different perspective than we hold?  Expression is different than demanding by the way. When someone demands of me to hold their opinion, perspective, or ideology then I shut down, dig in my heels, and refuse to budge.  The same happens if I demand someone hold my opinions. Expressing and demanding are two very different approaches to differing thoughts.

Sometimes I have to take a step back to gain a clearer view. And sometimes I have to take a step forward to see something closer. There are times I need to stretch on to my tippy toes for a look and other times I have to crouch way down.  Distance and position determine the view I have and in order to have the most complete perspective I can, it's beneficial for me to do all I can to see it from every angle possible. The more angles I view something from, the more complete the picture is for me. That benefits me and those I interact with. Sometimes our pristine or sterile view of something needs to get a little filthy with a touch of reality.  If we have a messy perspective on something it could use a little shot of sterility. Both are okay because both remind us that there is a bigger story than what we know.

Next time you find yourself looking at someone or something and you are shoulder to shoulder with someone who is looking at the same thing but expressing a different perspective, try this; switch places.  Clear your mind, blink your eyes, do your best to remove what keeps you from seeing the fuller picture and look with new eyes, open mind, softened heart.

What do you see now?

*Perspective Photos found at this site. 

*The God Card*

The organization I work for sends out free Bibles to our listeners at their request. We average about 300 a month and we have a partnership with a publishing company that provides us the Bibles to send out. Every month my boss and I get the report of how many Bibles were sent the month prior and the report includes any comments the listener includes. Usually it is the reason why they are requesting the free copy and I try to skim through the comments every month to be reminded of the larger picture. Sometimes I get so tangled up in the minutia of the business that I forget what's really going on "out there" and not behind the scenes.  I don't think this is uncommon. I've only ever worked for ministries and if anyone is going to survive working for a ministry they have to be mindful about the larger picture and they have to actively pursue keeping it in front of them.  Newsflash: Christian based organizations have the same office politics, scrambling for position/title, etc that secular businesses have. But in some ways it is worse in Christian organizations. Wondering why?  It's simple. Because of *The God Card*.

In case you aren't familiar with this particular method of blame shifting and manipulating let me briefly explain. You do or say something and get reprimanded for it. To avoid accepting personal responsibility or to make it seem as if what you did or said was God ordained you pull, i.e. use, *The God Card.* As in, "Well I prayed about it and God gave me the go-ahead, " or "God led me to a scripture that seemed to be clear indication..." or, my personal favorite, "Are you telling me that I don't hear from God?  Are you the only one who hears from God?" And then the conversation is shut down because nobody is willing to argue against *The God Card*.

Back to the Bibles.  In June we had a company meeting.  Okay fine, it was actually a Disco themed surprise party for the bulk of employees.  It was a first and it was amazingly successful.  It coincided with a new shipment of Bibles that had come in and my boss thought we should lay as many hands as possible on a stack of Bibles at this party-meeting and pray over them.  So we did.

Now to be fair to God we didn't tell him what to do with the Bibles or the preferred method he used along with us to get the Bibles to people.  And even if we had given him our suggestions for how the Bibles would be be distributed and used he wouldn't have listened anyway. He had a plan long before we had the idea to even pray over them.  So we prayed and asked him to send out his word through us. 

Fast forward about two months to August. Through some stumbling it is discovered that some bot in cyber space grabbed on to our Bibles url which has the word "free" in it and put it on least 6 websites that offer samples and free products to anyone. Hey everyone loves a free thing right?  Clearly. Not only did our url land on the sites for people to request a free bible, it put it on the home page under "top deals." 

The good news?  There are a lot of people out there who would like to read and study the word of God to get their curiosities satisfied or to get their questions answered or to discover who this God guy is. 

The "bad" news?  We don't have the number of Bibles we initially thought had been requested, nor do we have the means to do shipping fulfillment. 

Houston, erm I mean God, we've got a problem. In 7 days we had about 13,000 requests at the rate of about 200 per hour! It's the coolest *problem* I've heard about in a very long time.  The response to the *problem* was split.  Some of us were super excited, some of us not so much. We all, however, love God's word but sometimes the logistics can get in the way of the excitement. There was a lot of talking and brainstorming. A LOT. I was praying a lot. A LOT. This, I knew, was an opportunity and I wasn't sure how I would respond if we dismissed it because of logistics that can be worked out. 

Eventually I was in my boss' office discussing this *problem* and I reminded him, because God reminded me, about praying over those stacks of Bibles in June. His first response to me was, "That's guilt!" If you know me then you can imagine what my response back was. *grin* We also like to accuse people of using *The God Card* when we want our way to happen or we want to put people in a position of guilt so they will do what we want them to. But I wasn't using *The God Card*, God had actually used it on me! God pulled his own card when he reminded me that we prayed over those Bibles and left it up to him to distribute however he wanted.  

The only one who can pull *The God Card* and get away with it is God himself. When he uses it then we can be assured it's a legit response to something we have said or done. He doesn't use it like we do, to blame shift or manipulate.  He uses it because he knows the ins and outs of everything and sometimes we need the reminder that he does know. When God himself uses *The God Card* things get done and people listen, when we try to use *The God Card* people get annoyed and won't usually cooperate with such shenanigans.  

Yes, shenanigans. Trying to pull *The God Card* on others is folly.  I can spot the use of it a mile away and I won't give in to it. If you know me well enough you know that I rarely invoke God's name into something unless I am 100% that it is biblical and God ordained.  I don't believe in *The God Card*, it gets abused and tossed about in attempts to justify bad behavior so I refuse to use *The God Card* myself, I won't do it. But when God uses his own card with me then I perk up and I listen and respond as necessary. 

Oh, the Bibles? Well we did a lot of sorting of lists and discovered a lot of duplicates. So we eliminated duplicates and whittled the list down. Then we took another look at the list and decided to keep the names that had also given a reason for wanting the free Bible. That has us down to a number we can fulfill with Bibles and we are just going to eat the shipping because it's more important to us to be obedient to God's methods than it is to wiggle our way out of sending out his word due to silly logistics.  *whew*  I'm totally satisfied with the resolution of this *problem*, I believe we are honoring God in it. I'm also jealous because our fulfillment happens in Nashville and they are going to have a "stuffing party" and clearly I can't be in Nashville just for that!  I seem to miss out on a lot of the fun.  Oh well.  

The next time you get the brilliant idea to use *The God Card* to blame shift or manipulate try stopping. Bring that idea to a screeching halt in your mind and instead try accepting responsibility. Quit using God as your cover for bad behavior, wrong thinking, etc. Yes, God is big and can handle it but don't make him handle it.  Be a grown person and handle it yourself.  Own your stuff. Remember, only God can use his own card and "get away with it." When we try we just earn ourselves a whole bunch of disrespect from other people, isolation from authentic relationships, and a neglect of ownership for ourselves.  And when we live from those places we are just living a life full of shenanigans.  At least that's what God says.  *wink*

Pathways

I will bring the blind by a way that they did not know;

    I will lead them in paths that they have not known.

I will make darkness light before them

    and crooked things straight.

These things I will do for them

    and not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

Pathways intrigue me.  There are so many different kinds of paths. Straight ones, crooked ones, smooth ones, rocky ones.  Ones clearly marked and ones hidden in plain sight.  Some lead to a destination and some dead end. There are paths that go straight uphill, follow the flat plains, some take you down and then up.  There are wide paths and precariously narrow ones.  I've seen paths covered in the shade of trees and sun soaked paths.   

In 1995 my husband and I went hiking up a path on Mt. Evans.  It was almost completely covered under the shade of trees and it was snow packed and icy.  When we got to a particular place on the trail and he sat me on a large boulder.  With snot running out of my nose and my toes tingling from the snow hike he asked me to marry him.  I told him he must be sick and we needed to get him to a hospital right away.  Oh and then eventually, sitting on that boulder, I said yes. 

In 2001 a group of my MOPS friends and I decided we would do a girls only hike up Pikes Peak.  We spent the summer training and then in August we hiked a variety of paths that led to the tippy top of Pikes Peak.  I live a very sedentary life, I was pretty proud of myself.

In 2006 I was forced on a path of betrayal.  It was one of the toughest paths I've ever had to navigate but at the end of it was a stunning place of restoration.

In 2007 I traveled a flight path from Colorado to Nairobi, Kenya. I had never been overseas and I was certainly "never" going to Africa and yet there I was. Yes, there I was in the midst of the oldest slum in East Africa falling in love with the people of Kenya, having heart surgery, and returning to Colorado a totally new Beth, the one I was originally meant to be.

In 2010 I ran a marked path in Golden, Colorado. I ran with Bon Jovi on my iPod and my lifelong best friend in my heart. I ran the path in memory of her and to raise awareness and money for Pancreatic Cancer Research. Pancreatic cancer stole her from this life way too soon. 

In 2010, 2011, 2013, and 2014 I crawled along a path where the mountaintop was never visible from the depths of the deep and dark valley I was in called depression.  Those paths were strenuous on my heart, my marriage, my friendships, but not on my relationship with God. Those paths gave me a deeper hold on the one who created me and held me.  

I'm not a risk taker by nature. I don't look at a path that I can't see very well and move forward on it anyway. I want a little information; how long is the path, where does it end up, will it be easy or hard to travel, are there others on it and if so who, information like that is what I usually want to know. Sometimes I can get some of the information, most of the time not.  It's the same with the life paths I encounter, I prefer some information.  Sometimes I can get some, most of the time not. God asks me to take the risk and trust him. And so I have to step onto the path and know I am being led and I can trust what I don't know and see to the One who does know and see.

What kinds of paths have you traveled so far in this life you've been given?  

The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

Habakkuk 3:19

  

*Perspectives: judg•men•tal

judgmental
    adjective judg•men•tal \ˌjəj-ˈmen-təl\
: tending to judge people too quickly and critically
: of, relating to, or involving judgment
Full Definition of JUDGMENTAL
1
:  of, relating to, or involving judgment
2
:  characterized by a tendency to judge harshly

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  It's okay to have different ones!

I think we need to have an honest conversation about the criticism, or in so many cases the accusation, of being judgmental.  If you've been following me for awhile you may remember when I discussed the intolerance of so-called tolerant people. This is equal to part two of that discussion. The people who are crying "judgmental" are usually being judgmental themselves. None of us are free from the temptations of passing judgment too quickly or harshly.  None of us. 

I've run into this particular accusation a lot in my life. People assume I am judgmental due to my differing opinions, expression of faith, the way I look, the choices I have made and make, my moral convictions, etc.  I'm willing to bet that you have also experienced the accusations of being judgmental for similar reasons.  Like I said, none of us are free from passing judgment on others. 

I am particularly bothered with the accusation for many of the same reasons I am bothered by the accusation of being intolerant. Just because we have differing opinions or beliefs about something doesn't mean that either one of us are intolerant or, for the purpose of this post, judgmental.  Now. The caveat is perhaps one or both of us are in fact being judgmental but it shouldn't be assumed that we are before proof is presented*.  It's okay for us to have different ideas, experiences, opinions, and beliefs about all kinds of things and it doesn't mean fingers are being pointed and derision is the adopted attitude.  Quit assuming the worst about me, the majority of the time you will find my motives and heart are sincere and I am in no way interested in passing judgment on people different than me.  In fact, I welcome people different than me.  I welcome the challenge and growth the differences between us provide. I'm not assuming the worst of you and if you think I am then ask me, challenge me, call me out on it. 

The prompt for this discussion came from hearing that someone I love believes that another person, whom I also love, is judgmental.  My heart is pierced.  The only reason for this accusation of judgment is based on differing experiences and moral convictions. The accusation comes from a place of protection as well.  I get that, we all feel protective of family and friends but we shouldn't allow it to prompt accusations of judgment toward another.

"In our culture today there are two thoughts that simply aren't true. Firstly, if we disagree with the lifestyle of someone then that means we hate them and maybe are even afraid of them. Secondly, if we love them then we have to accept everything they do and believe in. These are total nonsense! By disagreeing with them we are not hating them or being afraid of them. And we do not have to compromise our beliefs in order to show them love and compassion. Disagreeing with someone is not hating or being afraid or judging them." (Rick Warren)

The two people that I love had a conversation one day. One explained to the other a relationship dynamic that the other had never experienced personally. The one who hadn't had that relationship dynamic accepted the explanation, thought it was sad that anyone would experience it, and moved on from it loving and accepting things and people as they are. You might say the explanation helped that person come into understanding and they learned yet another facet of relationships.  The one who gave the explanation for the dynamic must have held on to the protective and defensive feelings for it was months later in which the accusation of the other being judgmental was verbalized. It's why my heart is pierced.  One had moved on, but for some reason the other had not. I'm still puzzled as to why. Why is this person I love so much choosing to make and believe this false accusation? It was never true in the first place and to make the accusation is so hurtful to me, not to mention the person it is directed at.

“It's okay to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by other people. That doesn't give you the right to deny any sense they might make. Nor does it give you a right to accuse someone of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don't like what they are saying. Learn to recognize good writing [common sense, truth, necessity] when you read [hear] it, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what is comfortable.” (Ashly Lorenzana)  

Sometimes I think we cry "judgmental" toward someone else because we recognize a truth they spoke or a strand of unhealthy thinking in ourselves that needs to be addressed. Sometimes I think we use it as an adjective for someone because we feel uncomfortable by their differing ideas, beliefs, opinions, etc. Sometimes when someone has made a fair judgment we label them judgmental because we are jealous that they can draw a boundary that we feel unable to. Being a non-judgmental person means we allow ourselves to be uncomfortable with differences, that we love beyond differences, that we admit when something different makes more sense or is more healthy emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Being a non-judgmental person means we value humility more than pride.

There's more to this conversation, such as is there a difference between making judgments and being judgmental? I briefly mentioned this earlier. Or what is the distinction between being judgmental and practicing discriminative thinking? Isn't discriminative thinking judgmental behavior? For those conversations others have unpacked it better than I could. Take a few more minutes and educate yourself on the rest of the conversation, I did and was glad for the additional knowledge. Here are two articles, rather short on length but deep with insight, that I found helpful regarding this topic:
Eight dynamics to consider in making constructive judgments
The big difference between "discriminative thinking" and "being judgmental"

I suppose my point is this: Don't label me judgmental when you see my cross necklace or my Christian fish* and I won't label you judgmental when I see your rainbow flag or political donkey*.

Is it a deal?



*For example, Westboro Baptist Church is comprised of many individuals who have all individually provided more than enough proof of their judgmental spirits. But don't make the mistake of including me or any other Christian you may know in that group. Let me prove to you if I am judgmental or not. Don't fall into the trap of allowing a group to represent an individual when it comes to opinions, beliefs, etc. I'm extending the same courtesy to you. 

*These are just examples but they are some of the most common symbols we use as "proof" when we are accusing someone of being judgmental. 

The Secular and The Sacred

A few years ago I did a series of posts about the silly (i.e. secular) and sacred questions that were popping up in my mind.  I never got any real answers to my questions but one.  The answer I received to a question I had not explicitly asked was this, yes.  Yes was my answer.

But what was the question?  At the end of my posts, but certainly not my questions, the only question that I really wanted an answer to was this; God, are you in all things? In all things labeled secular? In all things labeled sacred? In all things labeled silly? In all things labeled distressing? In all things labeled perplexing? In all things labeled joy? God are you in all things?  Yes was my answer.

What is the difference between the secular and the sacred?  I propose to you this answer; nothing. God is present in both, he is present in all and to take it a step further I believe, through life experience and observation, that there is no such distinction with him unless he says so.  I don't believe God lives according to our distinctions of what is secular versus what is sacred.

Over at 365 I am featuring the 'secular' and the 'sacred' holidays that happen every day. Yes, every single day there is a minimum of one 'holiday' celebrated.  On any given day life could be highlighting a debilitating disease that needs awareness and ice cream sundaes, sacred and silly. Is God in both of those?  Yes.

Living in a Christian bubble we can too easily forget that God is in all things.  That nothing has escaped his indwelling presence.  Christians tend to 'demonize' the things that rub them the wrong way, offend their idea of what scripture says, people who don't fit the cookie cutter religion (American) Christianity has become, etc.  Newsflash: God is in all things. Even the things we don't or can't understand.  Even the things that, on the surface, appear as if evil has won over. Yes, even in evil God is present.  Mind blown yet?  If not perhaps this next thought will do it. What if something we call secular God actually calls sacred?  What if?  And what if what we might call sacred God actually considers secular?  I think there's a good possibility that the 'what if' is an actuality. How could I think and say this?  Because God has already told us that he and we differ.  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Again, God doesn't live according to our ideas and ways. God operates according to his ways and methods and nothing escapes his touch, his involvement, his very presence.

Nothing escapes God which has to mean that our labels of secular and sacred don't work. It is only God's ideas of secular and sacred that matter and I get the feeling, again through life experience and observation, that he is a lot more generous with the sacred label than we are.  I've decided to leave the labeling up to God, he's already proven he's better at it.  All he asks me, and you, to do is to watch for him and see him show up in all things. Yes, all things.  

*Perspectives: My White Privilege Life

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  It's okay to have different ones!

I grew up just outside of Detroit, Michigan. In my younger years I was unaware of color, everyone in my world was white even though Detroit was right down the road. Looking back on that now I think that's crazy. How did I not know about the black population?  In my childhood years my Grandpa, whom I love, would tell stories of the days when he and his buddies would drive the streets of Detroit and harass black people. I remember feeling appalled when I was at an age to understand what he meant. I squirmed inside each time he said the n-word.

When I was seven my Daddy got a new job in Colorado. A very long ways away from Detroit, Michigan with its Motown (some of the best music EVER) and auto industry (Henry Ford is a big deal).  I moved from my little all white world to another all white world but this new world was void of talk about black people so any bad taste that may have formed never had a real chance to plant roots. In its place grew a curiosity of this treatment I started to hear about over in Africa called apartheid.  As I grew older, I studied it more. My understanding of it was elementary but my disgust of it was advanced. My heart physically hurt for "those black people in Africa" and then I started understanding the history in my own country and I felt sickened. I was in early junior high and this passion for equality had grown inside me. I remember, oh so clearly, watching speeches by Reverend Jesse Jackson and wishing I were black to fit in with the crowd so it wouldn't look so strange that I was, in my heart, linking arms with black people.  My world had no black people. None. But I knew they existed and my heart felt outrage at the treatment of them.  My intellect was disgusted with anyone who behaved as if skin color made a difference.  My reports at school, when given free choice, were centered on equality and breaking the bondage of apartheid in South Africa. I was lily white but my heart beat for all skin colors.  I remember singing the song we all know so well from Sunday School:

Jesus loves the little children

All the children of the world

Red and Yellow

Black and White

They are precious in His sight

Jesus loves the little children of the world

I wholeheartedly believed and embraced the truth of that song but found out that others didn't.

At some point I learned about the KKK.  I was disgusted, appalled, outraged. I couldn't believe that such hatred could exist and all because someone had more Melanin in their chemistry make up than another.  The arrogance of white people created within me a desire to see hellfire rain down upon the idiot white people, of which I was one. I was ashamed to be associated with those ignorant people. (I still am, just in case you might be wondering.)  

And THEN.

Then I discovered that a good majority of these arrogant, ignorant people sat in church every Sunday morning and sang that song about Jesus loving every child of every color in the world after they had spent the week before treating others that were a different color with a hatred that can only be attributed to the devil. I couldn't wrap my head around the hypocrisy, around the arrogance, around the hate.  And I didn't want to.  I didn't want to understand their justifications, their reasons, their excuses.

My husband also grew up in an all white world. When we had children we decided we didn't want our kids growing up in the white privilege bubble.  We started attending a church that was extremely diverse from the pastor and staff and into the nursery.  We wanted to make sure our kids were exposed to people of all different skin colors and backgrounds.  It's paid off. They don't describe someone by their skin color but by their personality and other features. Our girls don't see color, they see people with value and worth.  My husband and I don't see color either.  In fact, I forget what color of skin my friends have.  During the Ferguson protests a friend wondered out loud what another friend of ours might be thinking about the whole thing. It took me a minute to figure out why she was wondering.  I had forgotten the person was black!  I only think of people in reference to their characteristics, giftings, their personality. I only notice color when there is a lack of it.

As years have gone by and we've made steps forward as a nation, we've made steps backward as well. In the past couple of years alone there have been more racially charged crimes and provocations than I remember in a long time.  I started writing this when word came through the media that the police officer in Ferguson, Missouri wouldn't be charged with a crime for shooting to kill, and succeeding, an unarmed black boy.  I pick up writing it again as Baltimore has erupted in protests over yet another mistreatment and death of a black person at the hands of white people. And I finish writing it as weekly news reports come from all over the nation about white police officers treating black people unjustly.  Seriously? After the recent events of Ferguson and Baltimore there are still caucasian police officers not toeing the line a little more closely? What is it going to take?  Will we have to endure some sort of genocide, like the Jewish people did, to get people to wake up and see there is still a racial problem in America?  What will it take to convince caucasians that they live under the umbrella of white privilege?

I hate living under the umbrella of white privilege.  I don't try to, and I hope I'm not taking advantage of it, it disgusts me. I know, however, that despite my personal feelings and opinions on white privilege I do live under its umbrella. It's the default.  My lily white skin is my automatic entry to white privilege.  That reality is frustrating and wrong.  I shouldn't be getting the benefit of the doubt in any kind of situation just because I have white skin.  My word about something or someone shouldn't be accepted just because of my white skin. My white skin shouldn't give me the 'guilty until proven innocent' benefit while the skin color of others gives them the opposite.  Regardless of skin color I should be getting the benefit of the doubt, or not, based on my character not on my skin color, as should anyone else.

It is not okay to treat a white person and a black person who have said or done something exactly alike differently. A few weeks ago a video was floating through social media and news sites that showed police officers in Baltimore telling a group of white protesters to go home. They were having this calm conversation with them, they gave them 15 minutes to depart from the premises, they were saying over and over, "I don't want to arrest you so please leave." Then there were a group of black protesters. Same as the white group - unarmed and orderly.  There were no calm conversations, no 15 minute warning, no statements that indicated the officers didn't want to arrest them. They sprayed them with mace, pushed them down to the ground and handcuffed them.  These black protesters were behaving no different than the white ones. There was one single difference between the two groups. Skin color. Don't or can't believe it? Watch this 3 minute video that gives statistics of white versus black arrests based on the same exact crime being performed.

It is past time.  It's time to swallow our white pride, our white arrogance, and our white privilege.  It's time to be honest with ourselves and others. We are getting privilege because we are white.  We get the benefit of the doubt because we are white.  We get treated kinder and more fairly through our justice system because we are white.  And deep down we secretly think this is okay and the way it should be because it has always been this way.  (Feel free to disagree with me, this is my perspective remember? *grin*)  White people, when the topic of race and racism comes up, implode - they can't handle the truth. They sputter and protest and make excuses, they deny what is happening right before our eyes thanks to modern day media coverage.  White family and friends, we cannot say that we aren't programmed to be racist when we look at black people and assume, from the color of their skin, that they only listen to one kind of music, like certain kinds of food, engage in only certain activities and much more.  That's called racial profiling and we all, myself included, do it on a daily basis whether we are aware of it or not.* And while I have focused this perspective on white privilege regarding the black population, we also exercise it with other cultures/skin colors. The Native American Indians are another people group that has experienced inequality and racial profiling due to skin color and culture. The list of other cultures and/or skin colors that have had to bear the brunt of white privilege is embarrassing.

It's time to make a stand for true equality. Equality that is based on the merits of behaviors, words, talents, etc and not on the color of skin.

Jesus loves the little children

All the children of the world

Red and Yellow

Black and White

They are precious in His sight

Jesus loves the little children of the world

*Blame shifting not accepted. "But they racially profile us white people also." You bet they do, guess why?  Us white people started it.  Let's own up shall we? 

*Perspectives: On Decisions

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective. Chances are good it will differ from your own.  It's okay to have different ones!

I was standing under the stream of cold water in the early morning. Gasping because of the cold and cleaning up as quickly as I could, my mind focused on the day. I moaned. I was so tired, I didn't want to do this day. I had so many days before this one that were exhausting and hard. The days, the year of days, leading up to this one had been difficult. I had been fighting upstream against a tide of doubters and then insecurities of my own.  I had been living under the patronization of more than a couple of people. One night I had almost thrown in the towel, but while slumped in a booth at Ruby Tuesday's with a bestie was found by someone who told me I wasn't allowed to quit.  So I didn't quit but I was discouraged.

So here I was, standing under the stream of cold water trying to gather the courage to face the day, the uncertainties, the people I was supposed to be leading, the conflict simmering under the surface. I wanted to crawl back into bed, lay under the mosquito net all day, and have a good old-fashioned pity party.  Not only did I have a moody team to deal with, but I needed to make some rather large purchases this day due to my procrastination of the prior two days.  I was nervous. I hate spending other people's money.  I hate making decisions about things I don't know anything about.  My stomach hurt. I moaned again and it wasn't because of the cold water.  I was arguing in my head with God about these decisions I had to make, feeling so inadequate and incapable.  Then God had enough.  "Beth, the worst decision you can make is to not make one at all." Darn it. I had no argument to come back with. The minute he said it I knew it to be true.  A leader always makes decisions and then walks them out however they end up.  To not make a decision is the worst thing I can do.  Shoot.  I dried off and went back to my room, ready to make some decisions that were already making me clammy and nauseous.

And I did it. That day I put on my big girl panties, climbed in the front seat of the van with Simon, went into Nairobi and made the decisions.  I hated every second of it but Simon redeemed the day for me.  He patiently drove me around, helped me carry things, gave me advice when it was clear I needed it, made sure I felt safe walking around, talked to me while we drove around and pointed out areas of interest. We talked about his faith and his life experiences.  My decision to be decisive that day turned out to be one of the best days I had that week.  I was learning to breath in the confidence of finally making a decision and living with the success or consequences of it.

Since then, that challenge about decision making pops up all the time for me. Recently my boss asked me to make a few decisions on his behalf and gave me a month to do it.  At first I thought to myself, "no problem" but then I started looking into these decisions and I got clammy. So I put it on the backburner and tried to forget about it.  But he did give me a deadline and I did assure him it was no problem. In the last two days of the month given I finally gulped hard and made a decision - right or wrong I had to make an a decision. The result? He loved the decisions I made. Whew. Another lesson learned toward decisiveness.

Since the stream of cold water I've had many more moments of decision making and I'm always reminded of when that lesson was given to me.  Perhaps it's because the water was so cold! It doesn't really matter why I remember it, I'm just glad I do.

Is decision making hard for you or does it come pretty naturally?  If it is hard for you, why?  If it comes easy what advice can you give those of us who find it more difficult and/or nerve wracking?

Between Memory and Reality

Between memory and reality there are awkward discrepancies... (Eileen Chang)

Someone I know shares a reality with me from years ago. But our individual memories of that reality differ so greatly that it caused some rather awkward discrepancies between us when it came to a point of reconciling our shared reality.  It is fascinating what time, denial, and other life experiences do to alter memories of a reality.

So how does one know what the reality is?  It will be word against word, perspective against perspective, not to mention any blame shifting or denial due to guilt over behavior etc.  That can be frustrating and hurtful.  It seems to me that in relationships, whether that is mine or others I have witnessed, where this discrepancy between memory and reality has happened the people involved generally fall into denial or inability to completely walk away and truly move forward in life.  There is either lingering history or an intentional ignorance.  

My shared reality is with my first love. Damn those first loves, they break your heart every time. Oh sure, you may end up with your first love, I know some who do, but the heart is always broken by the first love regardless.  Some can recover, most don't.  The interesting thing about our memories is we can create them and over time convince ourselves that the created memory is truth.  Sometimes, maybe most of the time, there is no way to prove truth.

So what to do when your memories of a shared reality clash with the other person?  The struggle is real. In our human, flesh nature we have a need to be right, to be the victor in truth and when you know you possess more truth than the other person it is difficult to let that go, it is hard to let go of the need to be right.  But you have to weigh out the costs of being right, reconciling the relationship, and having the maturity to just be able to leave it behind and move forward. I find that unless the person in denial is willing to take their head out of the proverbial sand then the other person needs to decide what kind of compromise they will be comfortable with.  

I had to decide what I was comfortable with so that I would be able to move forward, not allow personal responsibility to be shirked, and reconciliation at some level could happen.  The one I shared reality with had been out of my life for 18 years, I had actually come to closure on my own without any sort of reconciliation.  Then there this person was, back in my life with no notice or premonition. Once I got over that shock I really struggled with the flood of the past washing over me, the memories and the reality that carried, in the end, more pain than anything else for me.  The created reality of my first love gave him mostly nothing but, according to him, good memories.  I wish that I could have found some way to forget or deny the bad stuff. But we ended bad and had been bad for quite some time prior to ending so in my heart all that bad buried the good that we had at the beginning.  So here I was, 18 years later, going through all those crappy emotions, grief, and regrets again.  REALLY? I was fed up and annoyed that I had to do this again and it seemed to affect nobody but me.  The hub didn't totally get it even though he knows and even lived part of the actual reality alongside of me. Every song and movie about heartbreak seemed to be about this first love I had...18 years later! Ridiculous. I had already done my closure, why did I have to do it again?  I was pissed off at him all over again, as if it had just happened yesterday.  I was mourning the loss of the friendship we had before dating all over again, as if it were just the other day.  I was regretting ever dating him and risking that much of myself all over again, as if we were still in the bad-at-the-end stage.  It sucked. It took me a good 2-3 months to work through all those emotions again and find closure again.  

In the middle of this time he and I found our mutual closure. Over email of all things.  We tried to do it in person but I ended up wimping out and lying to him. He knew I was lying but let me pretend anyway.  A month later I emailed him and confessed that I had lied to him when we tried to have a conversation in person.  He forgave me and we said what we both needed to say for mutual closure to happen and to move forward. 

I'm purposely choosing to replace the bad memories with good ones, most of them are in our friendship only days and the very early dating days. I get to a certain point in our love relationship and I have to block out everything from that point on, it is filled with too much pain and too many regrets. But at least we have some good memories to lean on and for a time those memories were our shared reality, and I'm grateful for at least those.  

Do you have a shared reality with someone but each of you have very different memories of that shared time? Have the discrepancies hindered your relationship with that person or with others? What choices do you have to purposely make so that your shared reality doesn't become an obstacle to you in the present?  

The Okayest Mom

My Type A personality convinced me long ago that I needed to be "the best" at everything.  Being a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a mother, an employee.  Oh you can imagine the disappointment I had to walk through when those things started to show that I was not the best. At best I was the okayest in my certain circles and at worst not even the okayest.  It took me a decade to get over the disappointment and be okay with being okay!

Being a Mama has been one of the most disappointing realities to deal with. I am not the best and I was never going to be.  If only I had known the warning signs way back in the day I wouldn't have set myself up for so much disappointment.  When I would babysit all I wanted to do was read while the children entertained themselves.  Uh... yeah, see?  I was a crappy babysitter, that should have been my hint right there. But no, I had to go and ignore the signs and set myself up for further disillusionment. I had all these ideas and plans, as I think most Mama-to-be's do. Some were based off of what my own Mom did with my brothers and I, some based off of the trending thing to do at the time, some based off of my own high and unrealistic expectations.  I had never had the kind of energy that it took to accomplish being the best Mom ever but somehow I imagined the energy would just come once the baby was born. See how delusional I was?!

I was a better Mama when I didn't have to work outside of the home. Those early years I could give a little more but I was still more interested in reading a book than actually following through on any of the trends or any of the ideas I did have to educate my children, to play with them, etc.  Why didn't I see it still?  Not that the redheads and I didn't snuggle, giggle, play, and spend time together.  We did, they never once - even to this day - feel like I had left them to their own devices or hadn't given them enough love and attention.  I suppose my sedentary style of mommyhood was counteracted by their Daddy who would do all the active, outdoor, things with them.

The ironic thing is, then and now, how good I am with kids. I adore kids, my own and others. I somehow gathered up the energy to be the Awana Commander for a few years, I was the Children's Ministry Co-Director for years, I taught Sunday School for years.  I had kids climbing all over me. I hugged, I snuggled, I disciplined, I spent hours creating fun and interesting lessons for them. At playdates with friends I was swinging kids, mine and theirs, around. I would weekend babysit for friends (my poor husband). I just had to reconcile my preference for sedentary participation with the more popular active participation.

Working outside of the home took my status down a couple of notches.  My redheads claim it didn't but it did.  I know the truth. Energy levels were sucked away even more, time was shortened even more. The upkeep of a home, a marriage, parenting, relationships, personal interests, and much more lowered my ability to keep up with any expectations I had placed on myself or I thought others had of me.

Last year Mother's Day was approaching.  I was trolling Pinterest and saw the claim, "World's Okayest Mom" and I laughed out loud...literally.  That I could make claim to. I'm not the world's best mom, I'm not the best mom in the United States, I'm not the best mom in Colorado, I'm not the best mom in Colorado Springs, and I'm not sure I'm even the best mom to these redheads I've been gifted with. But I am okay. Ever since then I've been thinking about my role as an okay mom.  It was easier to accept once I saw the truth of it. No, it's okay - it really is. I don't need to be amazing or the best, but I do need to be okay. I've had some successes and some failures in this thing called motherhood. Some might say that I'm settling for okay and should be striving for best.  Newflash: I do strive for the best and I can pull out with an okay. So while I strive for best and hit okay I have learned to accept that and not beat myself up over some unrealistic ideal, over this false idea that if I don't do it exactly right or perfectly then I'm a total waste. Life guarantees that there will continue to be failures mixed in with the successes. I like to think of the failures as moments of humility so I don't get big headed about anything.  The past couple of years have been very challenging in this motherhood and parenting adventure. It's been the past couple years that I have seen my okay status very clearly.  I watch other people around me parenting and they are having successes, my successes are few and far between.  It sounds like my redheads might be terrors but they aren't.  They are far from it. But they have diverged from a lot of the investment I did put into them in the early years. But I see that I need to respect the choices they make (as long as they aren't harmful, disrespectful, or illegal).  They are individual and are finding their wings and ways. In Proverbs it says that if we train up our kids in the way they should go they will not depart from it.  So I'm hopeful that one day, for example, the redheads see that there are way better foods (in all ways) to eat than ramen.  I spent a lot of time in their growing up years trying to teach them that!  And that's just one example.  *wink*

A best Mom would never have to apologize to her kids because if you are the best then you are perfect. An okay Mom knows she's messed up and apologizes to her kids when she has, teaching them that adults aren't above misbehavior and taking personal responsibility should never end. I fall into the okay category once again.  I have no idea how many times in 17 years of Mommyhood I have had to apologize to my girls for my inappropriate behavior but it has been way more than a best Mom would ever have to do!

And somehow, through it all - the mistakes, the misbehavin', the giving in when I know I shouldn't, and so many other non-best things - these redheads think I'm a pretty good Mom.  Only I know the truth, I'm an okay mom and I'm more than okay with that.

Hello? Have you seen me under that full time life?

Throughout the years I have worked part time, full time - in the home, out of the home, half and half. Two years ago my hub broke the news to me that I needed to move from working part time out of the home to full time out of the home, in addition to the time already spent being a wife, a mom, and any other hat I was also wearing.  So I put my big girl panties on and got a full time job. I left a part time job I loved at an organization I love and co-workers I loved.  I also left any free time I had during daylight hours to grab a cup of coffee with friends, grocery shop, do some laundry, get dinner ready, exercise, have phone calls with friends in other states, the availability to run errands, etc.  This isn't about my hub, we are a team and in life you gotta do what you gotta do to pay the bills, feed the children and yourself, you know - things like that.  But full time was going to be a challenge in several ways, some I didn't anticipate.

About 6 months in to working full time someone asked Lanny how we were all doing with the transition.  His response, "The girls and I are doing fine, Beth? Not so much."  I wanted to protest but I couldn't.  He was right, they were handling it better than I was. I was exhausted. I spent the weekends trying to recover and do what I couldn't get done during the week. I hadn't realized how much I was still able to do when working part time.

Nothing has changed in two years. I'm still exhausted, stretched so thin some weeks that you can see right through me. My introvert nature has strengthened into an almost full time hermit status and I miss myself. Working full time means I am not the me I am. I have no margin in my full time life for the things that mean the most in and to my life.

A few days ago my friend linked an article to her Facebook page titled, "I Hate My Reality."  I didn't read the article right away but the first thought that went through my mind upon reading the title was "true 'dat."  I confess. I hate my reality.  I am no fan of my life or who I am, or rather am not, when I have to work full time outside of my home. But my reality is my reality so I have a choice.  I have a choice in how I respond to the reality I hate.

About six months ago I whined to my counselor, "When am I going to feel transitioned to this new full time, overtime life?"  She gently suggested that maybe what it is, is what it is.  I went home thinking about that.  If THIS life that I live currently is the transitioned one then I need to adjust my attitudes, expectations, and plans to accommodate this season of life.

It's not just the full time day job, it's the full time life that consists of being a spouse, a parent, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt, a friend.  I'm not complaining, I love all those roles but I'm finding myself lacking energy to be any of those well.  The parenting is about to do me in. The hub and I?  We are finally in a good place after a couple of rocky years but marriage still takes work no matter what.  I sat down across from my Mom the other day and all I had to do was look at her.  She said, "Oh Beth, I know. You'll get through this but I know."  I'm glad I didn't have to say much else, that she just knows and empathizes, I guess back in her season of life that included all this she told my Dad that she couldn't do it all, him and the kids (of which I am one).  He said, "Well we are a package deal so you are going to have to."  SIGH.  I now understand exactly what she was saying to him.  Those are just two roles.  The other roles that mean a lot to me and I don't have the energy to do well?  Not a week goes by that I am not filled with grief for what I have lost in this full time life. I used to be the glue, gladly, for people and things but now I'm like the tape from 1974 that is barely holding the picture in place in the album. It only sticks there because of time, not because it is still useful.

Don't think I don't know.  I do know. I promise.  I knew before anyone else did. Full time has me packing on the pounds and zero energy to do anything about it.  Oh, you weren't sure if I knew? Believe me, while I was still trying to deny it my clothes were telling me the truth. My massage therapist said something to me today that made perfect sense regarding life, my weight, and the need to be healthy.  She was being matter-of-fact but it was the light bulb I needed.  "Obtaining a healthy lifestyle and then maintaining one is like a part-time job."  I deeply sighed and muttered, while face down, "But I don't have the time or energy for another job." That's it.  That's the ground zero of this weight battle I am engaged in.  In my life it is another job. For some they just can go about their lives, eating whatever the hell they want, exercising or not, popping out babies and going back to skinny jeans.  That has never been true of me.  I remember the first time I was aware of what weight was.  I was five.  Since I was five I have battled with weight and it has won more than I have.  The effort it takes for me to be at a healthy weight and have some sort of fitness it literally like a part-time job that I can never quit.  When I try to quit it all comes back on and I lose all ground I had gained.  It sucks and I'm tired. I'm so tired of working that job with literal zero results that stick.  So lest you were hesitant to say something, look at me, or ask because you didn't think I knew, I know.

It sounds like I am whining and complaining but I'm really not. I'm acknowledging.  I'm acknowledging my reality and what I continue to try and come to grips with.  I do what I can to make sure me still shows up in this full time life but it leaves me wanting more time to do the things that mean the most to me.  The celebration and recognition of my 40th birthday was a way I was telling this full time life to go screw itself because I was going to be the real me for a few days.  I rode that high for weeks afterward, it felt so good to be fully myself for a few days.  In an effort to be honest about this reality I live and to try and keep me present in it, I decided that since I earn personal and vacation days (a very generous amount I might add) through my full time job that I would use them. I take mental and spiritual health days, I take vacation days that give me a break from my full time day job so I can focus on my full time life a little.  I use the time to do things around my house that I don't have the energy or time for during the weekends. I engage in self-care which actually includes getting some things in order around the house and then naps, of course!  And then there is the hub and redheads. People say to me, "Oh just make the redheads do the chores and the hub help out." The hub helps out, in fact he volunteered to take over the actual shopping of groceries if I get a specific list together.  Teamwork people!  The redheads? Well we continually try to get them on board with it, that's part of the parenting that is going to do me in. I even heard myself saying to them recently, "I did it all for the better part of 15 years, now I need some help." So I stand firm.  The dishes might be piled in the sink and around the sink and you might see me on a weeknight reading a book, ignoring those dirty dishes. A line has to be drawn and so I chose to draw it in hopes that the redheads will figure it out. (So if you've been wondering how I manage to read so many books a month now you know. I neglect my housekeeping!) I do little things that keep the me buried under a full time, indeed an overtime, life alive.  I tutor during the school year, I teach literacy to kids who are struggling.  It's 2 hours a week and on my way home from work.  I read. I blog as life allows. I meet up with friends for quick daytime lunches and happy hours after work. I get medical massages to help me because I hold stress in my neck, shoulders, and back.  I stay as available as I can for friends who need a hug, a shoulder, and an ear. I spend car time catching up with friends via What's App - that has become hugely important in the past year, it's been a lifeline. The friend might live 10 minutes away or across an ocean, it's been one of the greatest things I was introduced to.  I try to engage in things I believe in and want to bring awareness to. I make sure that I am not two different people, the Beth at work and the Beth at home.  I need to be the same person no matter where I'm at and who I am interacting with. I stay aware of my moods and if I'm grumpy I let my family know and I do my best to behave myself. (Because grumpiness isn't an excuse for misbehavin'.) I get hugs from my Mama every weekday morning that I can before I head into work. I donate blood every 8 weeks, it takes less than an hour of my time.  I convince my husband that spending some money to get me face time with family and friends is vital to my emotional health and I go on trips near and far alone to get time with people that fill my heart, and whose hearts I hopefully fill as well.  These small ways, and others, are how I am choosing to make an adjustment to this transitioned life I'm living.

Maybe you feel stretched too thin by a full time life as well.  And your full time might look, in fact most likely looks, drastically different than mine - that's okay.  This isn't a competition, we aren't here to compare and contrast our lives with one another.  Each of us has a capacity level that gets maxed out.  You might think mine is too low.  I might think yours is too low. It doesn't matter because we aren't in a competition to see who has the most harried life. We should be on the same team, cheering each other on.

Are you living a full time life that has you "hating your reality?"  It's okay, in fact it's healthy, to admit it if you do.  Remember, it's not the admission of it but the response to it that determines how it affects you and others.  What are some ways you have managed to keep the you that threatens to get buried under the full time life alive?  If you feel buried what is one thing you could do today to begin to dig out of the rubble?  

If you'll excuse me now.  I took a day off and a nap sounds great!  *wink*