Throughout the years I have worked part time, full time - in the home, out of the home, half and half. Two years ago my hub broke the news to me that I needed to move from working part time out of the home to full time out of the home, in addition to the time already spent being a wife, a mom, and any other hat I was also wearing. So I put my big girl panties on and got a full time job. I left a part time job I loved at an organization I love and co-workers I loved. I also left any free time I had during daylight hours to grab a cup of coffee with friends, grocery shop, do some laundry, get dinner ready, exercise, have phone calls with friends in other states, the availability to run errands, etc. This isn't about my hub, we are a team and in life you gotta do what you gotta do to pay the bills, feed the children and yourself, you know - things like that. But full time was going to be a challenge in several ways, some I didn't anticipate.
About 6 months in to working full time someone asked Lanny how we were all doing with the transition. His response, "The girls and I are doing fine, Beth? Not so much." I wanted to protest but I couldn't. He was right, they were handling it better than I was. I was exhausted. I spent the weekends trying to recover and do what I couldn't get done during the week. I hadn't realized how much I was still able to do when working part time.
Nothing has changed in two years. I'm still exhausted, stretched so thin some weeks that you can see right through me. My introvert nature has strengthened into an almost full time hermit status and I miss myself. Working full time means I am not the me I am. I have no margin in my full time life for the things that mean the most in and to my life.
A few days ago my friend linked an article to her Facebook page titled, "I Hate My Reality." I didn't read the article right away but the first thought that went through my mind upon reading the title was "true 'dat." I confess. I hate my reality. I am no fan of my life or who I am, or rather am not, when I have to work full time outside of my home. But my reality is my reality so I have a choice. I have a choice in how I respond to the reality I hate.
About six months ago I whined to my counselor, "When am I going to feel transitioned to this new full time, overtime life?" She gently suggested that maybe what it is, is what it is. I went home thinking about that. If THIS life that I live currently is the transitioned one then I need to adjust my attitudes, expectations, and plans to accommodate this season of life.
It's not just the full time day job, it's the full time life that consists of being a spouse, a parent, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt, a friend. I'm not complaining, I love all those roles but I'm finding myself lacking energy to be any of those well. The parenting is about to do me in. The hub and I? We are finally in a good place after a couple of rocky years but marriage still takes work no matter what. I sat down across from my Mom the other day and all I had to do was look at her. She said, "Oh Beth, I know. You'll get through this but I know." I'm glad I didn't have to say much else, that she just knows and empathizes, I guess back in her season of life that included all this she told my Dad that she couldn't do it all, him and the kids (of which I am one). He said, "Well we are a package deal so you are going to have to." SIGH. I now understand exactly what she was saying to him. Those are just two roles. The other roles that mean a lot to me and I don't have the energy to do well? Not a week goes by that I am not filled with grief for what I have lost in this full time life. I used to be the glue, gladly, for people and things but now I'm like the tape from 1974 that is barely holding the picture in place in the album. It only sticks there because of time, not because it is still useful.
Don't think I don't know. I do know. I promise. I knew before anyone else did. Full time has me packing on the pounds and zero energy to do anything about it. Oh, you weren't sure if I knew? Believe me, while I was still trying to deny it my clothes were telling me the truth. My massage therapist said something to me today that made perfect sense regarding life, my weight, and the need to be healthy. She was being matter-of-fact but it was the light bulb I needed. "Obtaining a healthy lifestyle and then maintaining one is like a part-time job." I deeply sighed and muttered, while face down, "But I don't have the time or energy for another job." That's it. That's the ground zero of this weight battle I am engaged in. In my life it is another job. For some they just can go about their lives, eating whatever the hell they want, exercising or not, popping out babies and going back to skinny jeans. That has never been true of me. I remember the first time I was aware of what weight was. I was five. Since I was five I have battled with weight and it has won more than I have. The effort it takes for me to be at a healthy weight and have some sort of fitness it literally like a part-time job that I can never quit. When I try to quit it all comes back on and I lose all ground I had gained. It sucks and I'm tired. I'm so tired of working that job with literal zero results that stick. So lest you were hesitant to say something, look at me, or ask because you didn't think I knew, I know.
It sounds like I am whining and complaining but I'm really not. I'm acknowledging. I'm acknowledging my reality and what I continue to try and come to grips with. I do what I can to make sure me still shows up in this full time life but it leaves me wanting more time to do the things that mean the most to me. The celebration and recognition of my 40th birthday was a way I was telling this full time life to go screw itself because I was going to be the real me for a few days. I rode that high for weeks afterward, it felt so good to be fully myself for a few days. In an effort to be honest about this reality I live and to try and keep me present in it, I decided that since I earn personal and vacation days (a very generous amount I might add) through my full time job that I would use them. I take mental and spiritual health days, I take vacation days that give me a break from my full time day job so I can focus on my full time life a little. I use the time to do things around my house that I don't have the energy or time for during the weekends. I engage in self-care which actually includes getting some things in order around the house and then naps, of course! And then there is the hub and redheads. People say to me, "Oh just make the redheads do the chores and the hub help out." The hub helps out, in fact he volunteered to take over the actual shopping of groceries if I get a specific list together. Teamwork people! The redheads? Well we continually try to get them on board with it, that's part of the parenting that is going to do me in. I even heard myself saying to them recently, "I did it all for the better part of 15 years, now I need some help." So I stand firm. The dishes might be piled in the sink and around the sink and you might see me on a weeknight reading a book, ignoring those dirty dishes. A line has to be drawn and so I chose to draw it in hopes that the redheads will figure it out. (So if you've been wondering how I manage to read so many books a month now you know. I neglect my housekeeping!) I do little things that keep the me buried under a full time, indeed an overtime, life alive. I tutor during the school year, I teach literacy to kids who are struggling. It's 2 hours a week and on my way home from work. I read. I blog as life allows. I meet up with friends for quick daytime lunches and happy hours after work. I get medical massages to help me because I hold stress in my neck, shoulders, and back. I stay as available as I can for friends who need a hug, a shoulder, and an ear. I spend car time catching up with friends via What's App - that has become hugely important in the past year, it's been a lifeline. The friend might live 10 minutes away or across an ocean, it's been one of the greatest things I was introduced to. I try to engage in things I believe in and want to bring awareness to. I make sure that I am not two different people, the Beth at work and the Beth at home. I need to be the same person no matter where I'm at and who I am interacting with. I stay aware of my moods and if I'm grumpy I let my family know and I do my best to behave myself. (Because grumpiness isn't an excuse for misbehavin'.) I get hugs from my Mama every weekday morning that I can before I head into work. I donate blood every 8 weeks, it takes less than an hour of my time. I convince my husband that spending some money to get me face time with family and friends is vital to my emotional health and I go on trips near and far alone to get time with people that fill my heart, and whose hearts I hopefully fill as well. These small ways, and others, are how I am choosing to make an adjustment to this transitioned life I'm living.
Maybe you feel stretched too thin by a full time life as well. And your full time might look, in fact most likely looks, drastically different than mine - that's okay. This isn't a competition, we aren't here to compare and contrast our lives with one another. Each of us has a capacity level that gets maxed out. You might think mine is too low. I might think yours is too low. It doesn't matter because we aren't in a competition to see who has the most harried life. We should be on the same team, cheering each other on.
Are you living a full time life that has you "hating your reality?" It's okay, in fact it's healthy, to admit it if you do. Remember, it's not the admission of it but the response to it that determines how it affects you and others. What are some ways you have managed to keep the you that threatens to get buried under the full time life alive? If you feel buried what is one thing you could do today to begin to dig out of the rubble?
If you'll excuse me now. I took a day off and a nap sounds great! *wink*
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