Yep, I'm a hoarder. Are you?

Ever watch an episode of Hoarders?  It is fascinating.  Usually after an episode I am ancy, looking around my house wondering what I can get rid of or what can I clean. Watching it certainly prompts introspection on my part.

I know, for me, part of what is fascinating about Hoarders is the psychology behind it. The attempts to bury and hide deep wounds, hurts, betrayals, and insecurities.  The attempt to cover up the dysfunction of self and other relationships.  The distortion of something that at first seemed good on the surface.

I've been thinking about hoarding recently in ways that aren't often talked about or viewed as hoarding. Such as this trend of Extreme Couponing.  Have you heard about it?  Women, mostly, go coupon crazy and basically stockpile food, household items, and hygiene products and get them for cheap because of their "savvy" use of coupons and store deals and rebates.  Here's a sample of what this stockpile ends up looking like in homes:

Um. Basically that is organized hoarding.

Here's a picture of unorganized hoarding:

For some reason when someone can organize their hoard and they have, in theory, saved a lot of money acquiring their hoard we call it a good thing or a frugal thing.  But when their hoard is in disarray and they live in squalor then we call it a bad thing.  But they are the SAME thing.  Both kinds of people are hoarding.  In fact, I may go so far as to say the "extreme couponing" people are the worst offenders in this. Why would I say that?  Because the coupon clippers don't see their hoarding as a problem, they mask it with frugality, saving money, etc.  Regular hoarders at least recognize on some level that there is a problem.  Both kinds of hoarding are a kind of greed, a type of insecurity, an obsession that interferes with relationships and emotional/mental health.  

But I'm not stopping there.  That was just the introduction to the kind of hoarding that I have really been thinking about!  But if anything in that introduction made you pause and think then I'm glad. Stockpiling through sales and extreme couponing isn't as frugal as you may be led to believe, it breeds a greed.

I was thinking about the issues I have spent the last decade working through. For a long time I hung on to my people pleasing ways, to my attempts at perfectionism, to my need to be needed. You might say I hoarded those unhealthy mindsets and behaviors.  Hoarding those things led to an accumulation of unforgiveness for people who had hurt me, an unwillingness to be vulnerable, I built walls around me so that nobody could see I wasn't perfect (don't even go there, yes I know that was obvious even with the walls!), I allowed my heart to be cluttered with lies like I wasn't worth it, I was useless, I had no value, I was too much and not enough all at once, I collected shame from mistakes I had made and let them pile up.  The hoard grew and grew and as more lies piled on top of each other things began to rot in my life.  I emitted a stench from my heart, and therefore life, all of my clutter and accumulation of unhealthy mindsets and behaviors kept people at more than arm's length and fostered relationships in which people saw opportunities to take advantage of me.  People, I was a hot mess.

Hoarders are hot messes.  Sometimes they know it, sometimes they don't.  But the people around them, if anyone is left, always knows how much of a hot mess the hoarder is.  Yet oftentimes they are unable to get through to their hoarder.  It takes outside help.  On the show Hoarders they bring in an organizer, a psychologist, and a team of worker bees.  When I could no longer contain my hoard to the depths of myself I needed outside help.  To try and clean up the hoard on my own was going to be a disaster.  Insisting on doing by myself would have been pride at its best.  Pride only adds more clutter to the hoard.  It takes humility to invite someone else into the hoard, pride keeps us from issuing the invitation.  

When the right people are invited into the hoard things become even more painful because as people come in and see the extent of the hoard and what kind of damage it has caused they want to get rid of things.  Easy for them, they aren't emotionally attached to the hoard!  And that's exactly why it becomes even more painful. The outside help has perspective the hoarder can't have.  It becomes a battle and can lead to tears, anger, and frustration.  The options are either give up and continue to live in the filth of the hoard or fight through the anger and frustration and clear out the hoard.

Hoarders want to go through everything to see what they feel comfortable getting rid of.  One of the reasons they are considered a hoarder is because they don't feel comfortable getting rid of anything! The thought of parting with the moldy, mildewed, damaged, broken, filthy object introduces a panic attack.  It makes no sense to anyone but them.  That's why outside help is critical.  Outside help can help the hoarder figure out the root of that panic and how to address it in healthier ways.

I can relate.

For example, when it came time for me to start clearing out the people pleasing in my life I had a lot of panic attacks.  "I can't say no to that person, what if they will hate me then? I can't have anyone hating me" or "I can't say no to that task, people will think I am lazy."  Or a bunch of other excuses for why I was allowing others to use me as their personal doormat.  Saying "no" was tough. Anticipating the disappointment and potential anger of the person I was "letting down" had me in a constant state of anxiety. It made no sense. I knew in my head that saying "no" was okay and healthy but my heart didn't agree.  I had to learn how to bridge the gap between my head and my heart and some days that 18 inches might as well have been 1000 miles. But the more I said "no" the more my heart began to connect to my head and the smaller that hoard pile named "people pleasing" became.

Once hoarded piles are removed and addressed there's all this space.  Wide open spaces that convey freedom, suddenly it feels like deep breaths can be taken, there's room for healthy things. And you wonder, why did I ever let it get *that* bad?  

A lot of hoarders start out by collecting something or purchasing something because "someday I'm going to work on that".  It's never an intentional act to create walls of stuff around them, spend money they don't have on things they don't need, hang on to trash, allow food to rot, etc. Nobody grows up and says, "I want to be a hoarder someday." All of it is to cover up their hearts, it's a way to distance themselves from whatever the hurt is. And we all do that. But some of us do that in ways that aren't as visible as the hoarder of a home.

I have unknowingly hoarded good things. By hoarding and abusing those things or people I twisted them from a good thing to a damaging thing in my life. I allowed my unhealthy mindsets to distort the good and turn it into bad.  We all do this, not one of us is exempt.  Maybe we haven't recognized it yet but we all do it with something or someone in our lives.

Are there any behaviors, mindsets, emotions, or situations that you have hoarded and you know that the stench of them is keeping people at arm's length?  That the filth of them might be interfering with your career?  Have you wondered why relationships are only skimming the surface of your life and not going deeper?  Hoard piles and walls don't allow for depth and ease of movement.

Dear Hoarder, I understand.  I really, really do.  Don't let pride fool you into thinking you can clear out the hoard on your own.  Invite someone into it. As embarrassing as it may feel, issue an invitation to someone and begin to clear out the hoard in your life so that you can live in freedom.

What's your rush?

Just like the Apostle Paul said he was the chief of all sinners I will start with this disclaimer:  I am the guiltiest of all. Just keep that in mind okay?  :)

I've noticed a lot of impatience lately.  On the roads, in lines, with store clerks, with relationships, and the list could go on and on.  Where it has really been noticeable for me most recently is on the road.  I was in literal bumper to bumper traffic a couple of weeks ago and there was this driver that was obviously impatient and needed to be somewhere (as if we all didn't).  First he got mad at me because I pulled into the traffic when there was a large space to do so and it was safe, not cutting anyone off or inconveniencing anyone. Except for him I guess.  He sped up on me and tried to cut me off.  Uh, hello? Do you see the traffic? Where do you think you are going to get to by being in front of me? Oh maybe you wanted to make it to the next red light in front of me?  The lane we were in wasn't moving fast enough in the stop and go traffic so he pushed his way into the other lane. Congrats dude, you are now one car length BEHIND where you were.  And there he stayed the entire time the traffic was heavy, one car length behind where he would have been had he stayed in the lane he was in. And he kept gunning it when there was movement in the line.  He would go real fast for, you know, about half a second before he would have to stop again.  Ugh.  People like that give me road rage.

I also witnessed a spectacular display of impatience at the library the other day.  A woman didn't understand how to look up something on the library website so she asked for help.  The young man showed her how to do it, step by step.  She kept interrupting him and asking questions that he had already answered.  He patiently kept explaining it to her, using several different ways of explaining the same thing. She wasn't getting it so she got really snippy with him.  I wanted to step out from behind the shelf I was looking at while listening to all this and say, "Hey lady, there's no other ways for him to explain it.  It's not his fault you don't understand.  BACK OFF."  Sigh.

What's your rush?

Impatience is the answer.  Impatience because we each believe what we have to do and say is more important than what anyone else has to do or say.  Or impatience with ourselves because we didn't manage our time well or we are frustrated that this world is speeding ahead of us and we can't keep up.  Impatience because everyone else seems to have forgotten that it is supposed to be all about us!

Let's just take a moment and breathe...deeply.  Slow down.  Let go of your entitlements.  Make choices that will support a more relaxed way of going through life.  Step down off the pedestal you act like you belong on.

I was at Sprouts the other day stocking up on fruit.  I was watching my time because I had to pick up my youngest at a specific time.  I got in line and unloaded my cart onto the conveyor belt.  A woman came up behind me and just stood there.  She didn't have anything in her hands and hadn't laid anything down on the belt.  She saw my questioning look and told me all she needed to get was a rain check.  I told her to please step in front of me and do that before the cashier began on my groceries. She was surprised.  "Are you sure", she asked.  "Absolutely," I replied.  She was so grateful.  I looked at the time.  Even if letting her go ahead of me meant I was going to be one minute late to pick up the youngest it was worth it.  There was no reason she shouldn't have gone in front of me.  I actually try to practice this quite a bit in lines.  People are always surprised.  I'm sorry that they are.  They shouldn't be.  I should never be in such a rush that I can't let someone go ahead of me in line that has minimal purchases.  I consider this to be a common courtesy but those have died out and now letting someone go in front of me in a line is called a "random act of kindness." I've talked about that before. By the way, the lady went in front of me, then I checked out. I unloaded my cart into the car, walked the cart all the way back into the store because it was closer to do that than a stall in the parking lot, and went to pick up my daughter.  I got there one minute early.  Common courtesy is always rewarded somehow.

If you let someone in heavy traffic merge in front of you does that really make you any later than you might already be?  The reality is no, it doesn't.  You will still arrive at your destination at the same time you were going to prior to someone merging in front of you. How would you like to be treated were the situation reversed?  Wouldn't you appreciate being let in?  If someone doesn't let you merge in don't you grumble under your breath and accuse them of being rude?  Just remember that.  Just remember that this life we are living we have to live interacting with people, some we know and others we don't.  And interacting with people well means we let go of the fantasy that everything is all about us.

What's your rush?  It's not all about you.    

Are you a safe person? Am I?

I know two people who are both vegetarian/vegan.  One is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time. There are never any eye rolls about people around this one eating meat, there are no discourses about treatment of animals while meat is being eaten, there is no expectation from this one to be catered to for the choice.  This one is happy to bring one's own and provide it for others as a choice.  But like I said, this one is so quiet about it that I forget most of the time.  I never feel like a lesser person in this one's presence, this one doesn't act like one's better than anyone else for one's choice.  The other one is quiet about it verbally but loud about it in non-verbal ways.  I am always aware of the preference the other one has.  There are muttered comments under the breath, eye rolls, and a high expectation to be catered to.  The other one is not happy to bring other's own but rather unhappy about it and stingy with what other one may bring, reluctant to share with others.  I am never not aware of this other one's decision to be vegan, other one makes sure people know.  Again not through words but through behavior.  This other one makes others feel like they don't measure up to some standard and to be around this other one, especially when food is there also, is uncomfortable.  Who is the safe person out of the two?

What does a safe person "look" like?  Sound like?  Behave like?  It's really very simple when we don't over analyze it, over think it, and look at it logically.

A safe person has a "look" overall.  Sure, we all have moments where we are the unsafe person.  But a person who is considered unsafe overall is the opposite.  They have moments, very few, where they aren't unsafe.  There's a look that I believe accompanies both types.  Safe people have an open look to them. They make it feel comfortable to be approached.  Their facial expressions are ones of warmth, hospitality, openness, acceptance.  Unsafe people are closed off.  They have an invisible wall built around them that makes approaching them feel almost scary and definitely uncomfortable.  The facial expressions of an unsafe person consist of scowls, neutral or negative mouth, eyes closed off and sending a message that people aren't welcome.  A lot of times, in fact most of the time, we are not able to be honest or objective about ourselves. Which look do you think you convey the majority of the time?  Ask someone in your life who you can trust to be honest with you to tell you what they see.  If the two answers differ chances are good that the person you asked has the more accurate view of you.

Listen closely to a safe person talk.  Now listen to an unsafe person talk.  What are the differences in their speech, tone, even in the way they relate a story?  Unsafe people use negative language, passive aggressive phrases and language, their tone is unpleasant at best, and they generally speak in harsh ways even when the topic is a "safe" or pleasant one.  I know one person who speaks in harsh ways no matter what she is saying. She isn't a safe person (and for more reasons than her speech).  Safe people lean more towards positive language, use accepting and inviting phrases and language, they have an upbeat and pleasant tone, their harsh speech is rare.  How do you sound to other people?  Remember, you and I aren't objective about ourselves. We hear ourselves in our heads and in our heads we sound so wonderful, kind, and open.  Ask someone else how you sound the majority of the time.  We all have bad days and moments, we all will sound like an unsafe person from time to time, but if we sound like an unsafe person more often than not then the reality is we aren't safe to others.

To study a safe and unsafe person that are occupying the same room is fascinating.  I've had the opportunity to do so.  As open as the safe person is, the unsafe person is just as closed.  Here is what I observed.  The safe person is open with affection in the many ways one can show affection, they are upbeat and friendly, their body language says "welcome", they make eye contact with others, they acknowledge when someone is talking to them by replying or listening, they are interested in what others think, people feel comfortable around them.  Now we look at the unsafe person.  If there was a sign hanging off of them it would say "Closed."  Almost everything about them is closed off.  They are withdrawn, their body language is defensive and even passive aggressive with eye rolls and big sighs in response to something they don't agree with.  Eye contact is limited, they act as if people aren't talking to them and they ignore or snub others.  When they are in the room the atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable.  It affects everyone in very negative ways.  If they choose to reply to someone the answer is generally curt.  If someone recorded you in a room of people which person would you be?  The unsafe or safe one?  What is the reality of you?  We can't see ourselves in a true light, we have to invite others to tell us where we may be falling short.  Of course we think we are behaving well but the reality may be something very different.  So find out from someone else how you behave in a room.

Being safe or unsafe has nothing to do with personality characteristics such as being an introvert or extrovert, being quiet or loud.  My husband is very quiet but people always feel very comfortable approaching him.  He is a safe person, it has nothing to do with him being quiet.  But I know quiet people who are unsafe.  We tend to judge people based on their volume level.  The perception is loud people are obnoxious, unsafe, extroverts, etc and quiet people are docile, safe, introverts, etc.  I have observed loud people and quiet people and those snap judgments are way off base the majority of the time. I know loud people who are actually introverts and some of the safest people in my life.  And I know quiet people who are unsafe extroverts.  Be mindful of making assumptions about people based on their volume levels.

Where does being unsafe or safe come from?  Being unsafe can come from baggage from our past relationships, from our own sense of entitlement and expectations, from insecurities that were sown into us. Being safe can come from those same places but they are healed places.  Once we unpack our baggage and refuse to quit traveling around with it we begin to behave in safe ways.  When we realize we are not entitled to anything and the only expectation that is realistic is to have no expectations we will begin to behave in safe ways.  As we dig up the seeds of insecurity and replace them with seeds of truth we will begin to behave in safe ways.  Behaving in safe ways includes the "look" and sound of a safe person.

A safe person recognizes the unsafe place they have been rescued and healed from and live out of that transformation.  An unsafe person is trapped in a pit of their own making and allow the wounds from life to dictate their behavior.  Safe people know they need help unpacking baggage, digging up insecurities, letting go of entitlements and expectations and so they invite people to speak into their lives and help them.  Safe people don't allow their pride to keep them in bondage to toxic behaviors. Unsafe people gather their pride around them and claim they can heal themselves, they refuse the help of anyone else.  Instead of inviting people to speak into their lives they build a wall around themselves that is impenetrable.  If someone dares to scale the wall the unsafe person will shift the focus off of themselves and try to shift blame, attention, or focus on to a different person.

Nobody wants to look at themselves and say, "I am an unsafe person." But when we can be honest with ourselves and take that first step then we have already taken a step toward becoming a safe person.   Can a person be safe in some areas of their life and unsafe in others? Yes.  We are all in progress and because of our flesh the majority of us are unsafe until we allow the rescue to take place.  Once the rescue happens and the healing occurs we can move toward being a safe person in that area where rescue happened.  I have personally found that once I am moving forward in being a safe person in an area I needed rescue, a new place within me that I am unsafe is revealed and I have to allow the rescue to happen there as well.  I have also discovered that once a few rescues happen and I see the results I am much more willing to allow the unsafe places of myself to come to light so that I can be toxin free in this life.  I don't want to be a toxic person.  I'm pretty sure you don't either.

Are you a safe person?  Am I?



*For further self-reflection/examination on this topic I recommend this article.  

365 Days of Gratitude and Celebrating It with Acts of Kindness

Recently I turned 40 and ended my most current 365 blog. I planned it that way.  :) This should surprise nobody, it's such a Type A thing to do!

Instead of repeat the story here, why not just go and read it over on the 365?  It's broken up into three parts for easier reading.  I hope you enjoy AND are inspired!

The Preface: 365 Days of Gratitude
The Story: Celebrating the Gratitude Attitude
The Epilogue: Continuing in Gratitude

Welcome to the 40's

Last week I turned 40.  I celebrated!  There were no black balloons, no "over the hill" sentiments but there was lots of joy within me.  There was gratitude felt and celebrated. Turning 40 isn't cause for dread but rather cause for a party!

I've been waiting to turn 40 since I was about 35.  I think having an older husband makes me sometimes feel older than I really am and so I forget, often, my true age.  No joke.  I have to stop and think and do the math.

My 30's were hard, amazing, painful, beautiful, life changing.  I came out of the cocoon in my 30's as God took me through a metamorphosis of sorts.  I found my skin and I settled into it. I learned to stop apologizing for who I was and instead live life out of who I am.  I found my voice, I quit striving to please people, my worldview expanded about a billion times from where it was, I discovered God in ways I had never seen him before, I made changes to my expression of faith, I gained friends and I lost friends.  I gained weight and lost weight. My hair was short and then longer, I've been tan and my natural white.  And just in the past couple of years I came to accept certain facts about myself.  Things that aren't character flaws but things that are more preferences, likes/dislikes, things such as:

• I don't like the outdoors.  Now a lot of you know this, and mock me for it, BUT did you know (because I didn't) that I have never really liked the outdoors, even as a wee one. I always preferred playing indoors out of the sun and where there was no dirt and no bugs.  
• Sweating aggravates me.  And then the aggravation turns to anger.  I despise sweating.  This explains my disdain for humidity and extreme heat, or anything above 75, and my reluctance for exercise.  I know I need to exercise but the sweating really messes with my attitude and head. 
• This Type A chick has really bad time management/estimate skills. I'm horrible at estimating length of time for getting somewhere, finishing a task, preparing to leave the house at a particular time, pretty much anything that has to do with time and getting somewhere on time.  I hate it that I am so bad at it and I've tried a bunch of different things to reverse it or to get me more on time but alas the bad habit dies hard.  I haven't given up on trying to be more on time and more realistic with time management but it's slow going.  

Now some of you may read those few things and if you know me you probably just went, "Ah, so that is the explanation for *that*."  Hey, these are minor things, love me or leave me.  Ha! I used to apologize for not liking the outdoors, for example, but I haven't apologized for that in a long time.  It is what it is.  :)  

After I let go of the perfectionism that was holding me prisoner the rest of my 30's was spent learning to be okay with not being great at something, not being liked by everyone, making a mistake and owning up to it, and not stressing myself out to put forth a picture of who I thought people wanted me to be.  Some people were disappointed I broke out of the jail perfectionism, that's fine - they aren't people that are healthy to be in relationship with.  

After I quit striving to please everyone at the cost of my relationships with God and others the rest of my 30's was spent learning to be okay with someones disappointment when I didn't jump as high as they wanted me to, learning to stand up appropriately for myself and not allow people to throw me under the bus for the sake of their reputation, understanding the difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking (HUGE differences!) and learning to be a peacemaker, and learning that when I walk in fear of God things go much much much better for me and everyone else around me.  Some people were disappointed I broke out of perfectionism, that's fine - they aren't people that are healthy to be in relationship with.  

After my worldview was expanded in my early 30's I spent the rest of my 30's trying to learn more, engage more, promote awareness more, understand more.  It has been at a turtle's pace but I continue to learn, engage, and move forward on behalf of "the least of these."  I also have a better perspective on the universal similarities between any culture and the differences between them, my expanded worldview has given me a more balanced opinion about the "great" America.  Yes, I am thankful for the freedoms of living here but this nation is not 'da bomb diggity, we are hypocritical, destroyed by debt, entitled, rude, obnoxious, and a myriad of other negative adjectives.  I no longer wonder why other countries and nations hate us, I get it.  

The biggest change I think I went through was that of my expression of faith.  It caused a bit of chaos in my life.  But the choices I have made in regards to expression have deepened my faith and have driven me to a place with God I know I never would have arrived at sitting in a box on Sunday mornings.  The choices I have made regarding this way of expressing my faith have led to a freedom in Christ I had never experienced before...and I was born into the church nursery, I've been in church my whole life.  I've had a personal relationship with God since I was 4 or 5.  But there was always a sense of being held prisoner.  No longer, he set me free from that and has affirmed my decision regarding expression of faith many times.  Changing my expression of faith put to test the people pleasing I had dealt with, so that got refined a bit as well.  

What do my 30's have to do with turning 40?  My 30's were a set up.  I know they were.  God isn't done with this whole transformation he's been doing the past 10 years.  But I firmly believe that before I could go through anymore I had to go through what I did in my 30's and come out of it settled into my skin.  I've never felt so settled into myself.  It's quite liberating!  Oh sure, there are things I don't like about myself - my weight is probably the biggest (pun intended) thing I don't like about myself.  But I no longer let the things I don't like affect my sense of worth.  My size has nothing to do with my heart and who I am at the core.  I'm learning this slowly but surely. That doesn't mean I just give up on my physical health but it does mean I don't equate it to value and worth.  

How do I feel about turning 40?  FANTASTIC. I've been looking forward to forty for quite some time. I'm just wondering, however, when I'm going to feel like an actual adult?  :) 

The Soundtrack of my 30's

My very first 365 blog was songs.  Songs have always been a source of inspiration, affirmation, even challenge for me.  In my 30's there were many songs that were meaningful and became the soundtrack for that decade.  Here's a few of the featured songs for my 30's, they tell a story of my metamorphosis.

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

Who Am I by Casting Crowns

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

This Is My Now by Jordin Sparks

I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

In Me by Casting Crowns
This is a special video created by a friend from my first trip to Africa in 2007.  Click here to hear the song and see the video.

Hope Now by Addison Road

Desert Song by Brooke Fraser (with Hillsong)

Brave by Nichole Nordeman

I Am by Nichole Nordeman

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets

Make A Move by Royal Tailor

Wake Me Up by Avicii with Aloe Blacc

There were others but these featured are the ones that stick out.  If you listen to the lyrics and you know the stories of my transforming thirties then you'll get why these stick out.  :)

If you had a soundtrack of a time in your life what time would it be and what songs would it consist of?

(Btw, while we are on the subject of songs, soundtracks, and such let me confirm right now that yes.  Yes I do have a playlist created for my memorial service should I pass suddenly.)

Dear 30's Decade,

THANK YOU!  You were fabulous.  I am so in love with you, my 30's.  I am in awe of what happened in the shortest yet longest 10 years of my life.
You ushered me through the metamorphosis I needed to go through.  You were challenging, encouraging, transforming, refining, beautiful, painful, and simply fantastic.  I can't say enough about you, my 30's.  I appreciate your guidance and direction for the "new decade, new life" that God spoke to me.
I can't believe all that happened in my 30's.  I am in awe of the transformation God put me through.  It's a set up I know for my 40's but instead of dreading it, I am anticipating it.
So thank you 30's.  I will forever be grateful for you.

With love and gratitude,
Beth 

Drought Conditions

"Human kindness is overflowing and I think it's going to rain today." 

(Randy Newman)

Well, it's not raining today. In fact, it hasn't rained in days, weeks, months, perhaps years. People, we are in a drought.  And the conditions of this drought are not improving but getting worse.  Without kindness we are dried up.  And there is no human kindness that overflows any longer. Oh sure, we have small pockets from time to time and the brief spurts of massive human kindness but overall? Drought conditions. Dry as a desert riverbed.

Think I am exaggerating? Take a drive.  Yes, that's what I said.  Take a drive.  Get in your car and drive while the roads are fairly populated, maybe even during a rush hour.  Observe the behaviors of other drivers. Which do you see?  People giving each other space to switch lanes or people speeding up so the gaps are closed and there is no space to switch? People entering the interstate in merge fashion or racing with those already on the interstate for the spot "up front"? Drive into a parking lot. Which do you see?  People racing for the closest spot, cutting off others and driving in the wrong direction just to get the spot that is 5 feet closer to the door than the other open spot or people willing to let someone else have the closer-by-5-feet spot because it's just not that big of a deal?

Still not convinced?  Okay how about this.  Common courtesies like holding the door open for someone, smiling at people, helping someone cross the street who may be physically challenged or elderly, picking up something that the person in front of you dropped and returning it to them, and other simple things have stopped becoming courtesies and are considered "random acts of kindness."  Those should be things practiced, or lived out, every day!  They are courtesies not things that should be considered out of the ordinary and therefore random.

I believe that our drought conditions started when the common courtesies stopped being common and became random.  And with the decline of courtesy, human kindness dried up.  It became everyone for themselves and if there is a spare minute and if I feel like it I may help you out.  But not too much or else people will think they can take advantage of me.  Oh friends, human kindness has dried up.  Our drought conditions are manifested in lines at stores, traffic on the roads, office relationships, customer service instances, personal relationships, social media conversations. And then it snowballs and manifests in situations like the recent shooting in Ferguson, or any other of the tragic situations that happen way too often.

The only way to reverse the drought conditions is to saturate the dried up spirits we have and we see in others with purposeful kindness, with reinstating common courtesies that are common once again and not random.  Kindness lived is the rain that solves the drought condition of our souls.

Greedy for More

In the past year or so I have noticed something within my family, myself included.  When we are greedy for more we lose sight of being grateful for what we already have or received.

For example, my youngest redhead and one of her BFF's get the spend almost every Saturday together because we do home church together.  They are usually together a minimum of 5 hours.  One day a few months ago they had been together at least 7 hours and when we sounded the call for leaving in a few minutes they both went up in arms, begging and pleading for more time.  What ended up happening is they wasted the few minutes they had left with each other arguing with us parents about more time.  Not once did it occur to them to be grateful for the 7 hours they got.  They were simply greedy for more.  Or just yesterday my other daughter had to be picked up early from a youth leadership retreat that was important to her.  We had a commitment that couldn't be changed.  Instead of being grateful that she got to participate in it for almost 10 hours she was negotiating to stay the remainder of the time and cancel our prior commitment. She wasn't grateful at all, it seemed to us, for the chance to be at the retreat for the majority of the time.  She was greedy for more.  The hub and I get cranky and greedy for more also.  Usually his comes in the form of material things that he thinks he should be providing for his family, mine comes in time spent with the besties in my life, especially the ones who live out of state.  He and I are both learning to be grateful for what we have and not be greedy for more and we are trying to teach our redheads the same life lesson. Gratitude is a life lesson.

When we are greedy for more we are blinded to what is right in front of us. The greed for more time, more money, more fill in the blank keeps us from gratefulness for what we have been given. We live in a society where we are told bigger is better, more is valued over less, and a discontent for what we do have is bred through social media, commercials, and the comments of others. In fact, to prove this very point I ran across this timely blog post just this morning.  Hop over here for a minute and read this and then come back to me. 

See what I am saying?  See the battle we get introduced to through the innocent, "well meaning" comments of others?  Not to mention the commercials that encourage us to trade in and up for better.  But is bigger better when it means we are living above and beyond our means? Is more a desirable thing when we have no room to store more or we hoard the more?  

How have you seen your greed for more affect your Gratitude Attitude?  

What is something today that you can be grateful for and not attach to it a desire for more of it or an upgraded version of it? 

*This post was originally posted at The 365 Experiment. 

Fainthearted

Life takes courage doesn't it?  And the older I get the more I realize that pretty much every aspect of life takes courage.  I have to be brave in my marriage, bold in my parenting, confident in my relationships, and audacious in living out the mission I am called to.

But what about the days that you crack your eyes open and feel the weariness of life in your bones and you want to pull the covers over your head and escape into sleep once again?  What about those days? The fainthearted do just that, they roll over on their side and pull the sheet up and over themselves to keep the reality of life at bay.  The ones who aren't fainthearted but aren't entirely present will take a few minutes to rise and face the day but they will eventually get on their feet.  And the ones who have determined to not let weariness win will get up and face the day with spirit.  Here's the secret about the determined, even they have weariness of life in their bones.  But the determined are unflinching in their resolve to not let weariness win over courage.  They believe that somewhere deep within themselves their courage is a greater strength than the weakness of life's realities.

I'm feeling so fainthearted these days.  My life as a parent is really weighing down my heart.  We've hit a rough season.  I confess that I feel so weary in parenting right now that all I really want to do is pull the covers over my head.  I don't want to be present and I'm not feeling all that determined.  That's the confession of my flesh.  The Spirit in me gives me the courage I need to do and say the hard things.  My bones protest as I rise but I know I have to rise.  I have a responsibility, given to me by God, to raise these children to the very best of my ability and with his strength and wisdom.  I have a responsibility to make sure they are as healthy as possible not just physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well.  And sometimes that responsibility means the hub and I have to do and say some hard things.  Things that the redheads think are unfair but things we know in the long-run are ensuring health.  Things that they might not see as protection in the moment but we know are.

In my life the weariness of this task comes when the redheads forget that we are for them and not against them.  When they slander us to their friends and we find out.  When they make choices to lie about "little" things so then we can't trust they are telling the truth with the "bigger" stuff.  When they figure out ways to subtly manipulate us and we know it.  When they disrespect us, take advantage of us, and do it in such sly and silent ways that it is almost missed.  When they hurt our feelings because parents can get, and do get, their feelings hurt too.

When I held them as newborns this wasn't part of the plan.  :)  Oh, don't think I was living some fairy tale that my children would be the ones who wouldn't rebel or be angry or have problems.  But I had hope that it would be more of the minor stuff than the major stuff.  And it is, depending on your personal definition of minor and major.  But even the minor stuff can lead to weariness.  And I am weary with anxiety over them, with sadness that trust has been broken and now we must rebuild - which is so hard to do, with confusion as to where it turned around on us, with fear that I will lose my precious babies.  I am weary with the hurt feelings and with trying to remember it isn't personal even when it feels like it is.

At some point, as my Mama pointed out the other day, "this too shall pass".  And I know that in my head but travel about 18 inches down to my heart and I'm not so sure.  At some point I won't be as fainthearted over parenting and it will shift to another area of life.  Until recently it was marriage, now it isn't.  At various times it's been with relationships, and to love others as God does, and has asked me to, is downright hard sometimes and I can too easily become fainthearted in that mission.

There is help and relief for the weariness but I keep forgetting about it.  I forget that I don't have to shoulder the burden I feel in parenting, or marriage, or relationships.  I can transfer the burden to shoulders far more capable than mine.  But I forget it too often.  And when I do remember, I struggle with how to transfer the burden and not try to shoulder some of it still.  But when I can give the burden to someone who can carry it there rushes in this amazing peace and rest and I no longer feel the need to pull the covers over my head.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Put My yoke upon your shoulders—it might appear heavy at first, but it is perfectly fitted to your curves. Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. When you are yoked to Me, your weary souls will find rest. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

What has been weighing you down recently?  What tempts you to stay in bed with the covers pulled over your head these days?  Have you thought about transferring that burden to the more capable shoulders of the One who created you?  How could that change the way you feel or respond to the current cause of being fainthearted?

Vodka and Jesus

"What are you guys still doing up," asked my brother, arriving home from a Yankee's game he, Dad, and Brad went to.

"We are drinking vodka and talking about Jesus," was my sister-in-love's reply.

Let me explain how that came to be...

Earlier that afternoon we went to get mani/pedi's.  On the way home we ducked into the liquor store on the corner of First and 86th, heading back to the section we wanted. Before us was a wide variety of flavors. Birthday Cake, Cotton Candy, Chocolate Covered Strawberries, Pineapple Coconut, Root Beer Float, Blueberry, the one we wanted - Salted Caramel, and so many more.
We made the purchase and crossed the street to the apartment.  Stowing it in the freezer with a plan for later we went about our girls night with delicious vegan food and wine.  We laughed and talked and shared stories about my brother with my soon to be sister-in-love.  Mama and Adele left for their respective beds, Rebecca and I grabbed the bottle from the freezer, plopped a couple of ice cubes in two glasses, and poured a nightcap of Salted Caramel Vodka for ourselves.  We folded our legs under us, swirling our glasses, sipping, and chatting.  And Jesus somehow found his way into our conversation.

Jesus is a "forbidden" topic in my extended family.  Years ago, on the eve of Paul and Rebecca's wedding, my brother made a family rule that we all agreed to.  No politics, no religion.  Leave those off the table and out of discussion and we'll all get along just fine.  Can't mature adults discuss these topics and agree to disagree?  One would think so but we hadn't yet seen a successful practice of that in any of our circles.  With our diverse thoughts and opinions on those two hot button topics we figured it best to shelve them, permanently, during family times.  And it's worked rather well for us over the years.  There's been a divisive moment or two between siblings and sometimes we have broached politics with permission granted but generally we steer clear of those things, at least in large group conversations, and find plenty of other topics for discussion.

But my sister-in-love, Rebecca, and I can talk about Jesus openly and be okay, better than okay, with one another.  And so we have, over the years, discussed faith and religion, God and Jesus, spiritual matters. She's been privvy to some of the more private moments of my faith transformation in the past few years. She has confided in me her thoughts about raising children with a sense of spirituality and what that might look like among her own personal thoughts about God.

As we swirled and sipped our Salted Caramel vodka Jesus came up.  He had already made a briefer appearance earlier that day so it was natural to bring him back in to the conversation.  She asked me questions about my recent expressions of faith and for the first time with anyone other than my husband I answered the questions and was able to give a halfway intelligent reason for the why's .  We talked about expectations I may have of others and she knew I was honest when I said I had none, these were my convictions and I didn't want or feel the need to force them on anyone else, even my own children and husband.  She asked more questions, I gave answers best I could.  She shared with me some thoughts and ideas she had been mulling over recently.  We found common ground in each other's thoughts about faith, God, and Jesus.  We discovered, with Jesus between us and vodka in our glasses, that we are walking similar directions in matters of faith.  Our paths appear very different but the core of our journey is so similar it feels comfortable to one another.

Then Paul came home and the conversation wrapped up.  Glasses were drained, put away, the bed was pulled out for me and we all laid down for the night.  And I laid there thinking about Jesus and vodka and smiling over the road Rebecca and I walk together in matters of faith.  Maybe it was the vodka that warmed me that night but maybe it was the presence of Jesus in our conversation and relationship also.

How about you?  Do you have someone in your life that you can sip vodka with and discuss Jesus?  Maybe it's not vodka, maybe it's coffee, but do you have someone you can be open with?  Who feels safe to be honest with about confidences in faith and doubts in faith? 

Are you scandalized that Jesus participated in a conversation where alcohol was being consumed?  If so, why?  Does it disturb you that we have a family rule of no religion, or politics, talk?  If so, why?  

Evicting Regrets

I was a student at a Christian High School driving home one day with friends.  There were two car loads of us driving down a street in our city. Our windows were down and we were driving side by side kind of racing and doing stupid teenager stuff.  In a moment of "trash talk" I talked trash and let the F-bomb fly, loudly, out of my mouth. The shocked and stunned looks and silence greeted that moment and sobered me up pretty quickly. I can still remember my ears on fire from shame and my mouth feeling like it had been coated with some nasty chemical.  That was about 25 years ago and yet I can remember the regret and shame of it to this very second.   

I was still a student at a Christian High School and my boyfriend and I got too comfortable with one another. One night we were parked behind a deserted building, making out and taking things way too far. In a moment of teenage lust I asked him to take us way too far and in a moment of God's saving grace we were caught by a security guard that was on the premises.  He interrupted what would have turned into an even bigger regret. That was about 24 years ago and yet I can remember the regret and shame of one, having allowed lust to take over my standards and two, being caught in such a intimate position. To this day when I drive by that building I have to battle the shame that wells up in my soul. 

I was on staff at a local church and struggling with my emotional and mental baggage.  Unfortunately the man I was assisting took advantage of my struggles, which he knew about, and used them to his benefit when our working relationship was called into question.  (In case anyone wonders about my response to that questioning...EW.  Enough said.)  Without my knowledge, a list was written up and presented to other staff members for review and to hear his side of the supposed story before I was set in a chair and accused of multiple lies. (There is SO much wrong with this story right?)  I sat in that chair and read over a list of ways in which I was unacceptable and unworthy to be in ministry and the shame covered me like a heavy thick blanket. There was a whisper somewhere deep within me that said, "Fight back. Stand up for yourself, you know the truth," but the whisper was smothered by the shame this man was attempting to heap on me.  So I let them tell me who I was and didn't fight for myself.  I regret that.  I regret not standing up for myself; I regret not being stronger in spirit to speak truth against the lies being told. It took me 5 years to go back to some of those men and confront the shame they had attempted to cover me in and stand up for myself.

I have said things I regret, I have behaved in ways that I regret, I have had relationships that I regret, and my guess is you have too.  Regret seems to be a part of life.  I've been thinking about regrets for the past few months, I guess actually for the past year or so.  This could be a good or bad thing.  Sometimes when dwelling on regrets I can begin to wallow. Other times I can see the other side of it.  I have done a little bit of both in the past year when thinking about regrets but now I'm at the place where I am acknowledging them without the wallowing and choosing to move forward without them tagging along. I mean really, what am I going to do about something I regret from 25 years ago? Nothing. I'm going to do nothing because it is what it is now; even then it was what it was. I think I might be able to see that even in the regret there was something good and right that happened within it or as a result of it. It's a very "unanswered prayers" perspective I am allowing myself to have and I'm learning how to have.

I was wallowing a bit a few months ago.  A relationship that had ended years ago resurfaced and unsettled my soul.  I had found my own closure with the person, without their participation, and had moved on a few years earlier.  And then suddenly they entered into my world, albeit on the fringes. Old and even some new regrets presented themselves and I was wading through the quicksand of rocky emotions and "what ifs." That's what wallowing in regret does.  All these "what ifs" start talking and distort reality and truth.  "What ifs" blur lines that were sharp just a day ago.  Regret drags a countenance down.  Regret pulls us back to the past and convinces us that it is too late to start over, make a brand new start, forgive, change, etc.  Regret is the tool used to turn us away from truth.

The lie of regret says, "It's over, it's finished. You are stuck in this place forever."
The truth says, "You can start over right now this very second and move forward."

The lie of regret says, "Maybe if you had just waited it out and been more patient you would have gotten it."
The truth says, "Don't waste your life on a 'what if'.  Move forward and don't settle for second best."

The lie of regret says, "You can't change what you have done. You will be all alone now."
The truth says, "You can't change what you have done but you can make amends and seek restoration. You are not alone."

The lie of regret says, "Shame is your name, you need to hold on to it to remind yourself of your wretchedness."
The truth says, "You are not who you were, you are forgiven and released."

There's more where those lies and truth come from but you get the idea. My guess is you have battled some of those lies yourself.  They aren't unique to just me or you, lies are unimaginative and universal.  The truth is the cure for what ails.  And once truth conquers the lie we see that we can start over, start fresh, restore, and create a new story that is redemptive.

A couple of years ago my High School Yearbook Advisor contacted me and asked me to come and speak to a girls class she was teaching at the Christian High School I graduated from.  I sat down in front of these Christian High School teenagers, flooded with memories of my own days there, and told them about the F-bomb.  And I told them about the regret I have of that instance.  Then I shared with them what I learned in the years since about regret, shame, healing, and the power of words. I'm not the girl I was when the F-bomb flew out of my mouth, I'm better than a word that indicates I have no imagination or class.

Fast forward a few months after I spoke to the girls at the Christian High School.  The same teacher asked me back for a new class of girls. This time I sat in front of them and told them about my indiscretions with purity and the regret I have because of it.  I told them how my choices to lower my standards for temporal lust have affected me in the years since. Then I shared with them what I learned since then about regret, shame, healing, and purity.  I'm not the girl I was when I asked my boyfriend to take us physically farther than I knew was good for us, I'm better than a choice that indicates I have no self-control or standards.

About 5 years after I had been dismissed from the church staff because I was "unfit" I walked through the doors with my husband at my side. We sat in two offices that day and with both men I stood up for myself and truth as I should have done 5 years prior.  I presented evidence to refute the lies they believed about me, I confronted them on their own choices regarding the treatment of me, I gave them the full story rather than let the half-story sit out there and continue to distort truth. I could do this because regret had no hold on me and shame was not my name.  Some would say, "You waited five years?  Sheesh, couldn't you just let it go?" The answer is no. No, I could not let it go because God would not let it go.  And if I had not followed God's timing on the when and where of standing up for truth I would have new regrets to deal with. I do my best to avoid having regrets.  :)  Guess what?  The timing, five years later, was perfect.  Both men were in a place to hear me and to seek restoration with me. Freedom happened that day.

Does regret have a place in your life?  Have you allowed it to set up camp in your heart?  Has it gotten comfy in your mind?  Make a choice to evict regret and reclaim truth!  It may mean forgiving self, forgiving others, making a few lifestyle changes, taking a risk, etc but the long-term benefit of the choice to reclaim truth is worth any short-term pain.  I PROMISE.  Carl Bard said, "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."  Start from now and write a new ending to your story.  I am, so you are not alone!

By the way, I have never said the F-bomb again. *wink*

Let's talk about...love* baby, let's talk about you and me

Ready? Set? Answer this: 

The difference between loving someone and being in love with someone is...

I asked this question on my Facebook page a few months ago after a conversation my husband and I had. Lanny asked me, "Are you still in love with me?" I replied that I didn't think so. He took it one way and I meant it a different way.  I chewed on it for a couple of days and then put it out there for Facebook to answer.  And what I found was that there is no right or wrong answer and each person answers according to their perspective, which isn't right or wrong in this particular case.

What did I mean when I told my husband that I didn't think I was "in love" with him anymore?  I meant that I had gone way beyond those mushy, butterflies-in-the-stomach feelings that I associate with being "in love." We have been married for almost 19 years.  A lot of water has flowed under our bridge during our relationship.  Being "in love", according to my perspective, is a feeling that can come and go and is dependent on situations, circumstances, etc.  Loving someone, however, is a commitment to stay the course even when it gets tough.  And it does get tough.  Relationships take work.  When I tell my husband I love him, I am telling him that I am willing to fight for us when things are hard, and that I am willing to continue to learn how to consider him and not be self-serving.  Sometimes I am also "in love" with my husband again. But, for me, that "in love" feeling comes and goes but loving him is a constant, I choose to love him and want the best for him even when I am hurt or angry with him.  I choose to love him and be committed to our marriage even when I am wishing for the single life again.

Here's what some of my Facebook friends said about loving someone vs. being "in love":

Loving someone is a choice accompanied by actions that are fruits of that choice and being in love is a feeling...an awesome, heady, high that comes crashing down when deeply hurt or disappointed.

One you care for that person and the other you want the best for them.

Being in love is more of an initial emotion that can be based on attraction. While loving someone is a choice or decision to commit your heart to someone not based on what they are able to do for you.

Loving somebody is 1 Corinthians 13 (in a nutshell), and being in love with somebody could be that they like the idea of that person, if that makes sense.

I love my kids, but wouldn't say I'm 'in love' with them the way I would about my boyfriend. But I think more credit needs to be given to the term 'in love.' It's not something fleeting or temporary.

Loving someone is desiring and doing what is in that person's best interest. The term "in love" indicates that the opposite, being "out of love", can occur. Being in love can still be very powerful, but it is heavily based on personal feelings and emotions, which are wonderful but not always the best things to rely on.

Being in love is showing a present action. ... On going and growing ... I love my wife but more than that I am in love with her !!!!

I love a lot of people. Being "in love" makes me think of an active state of being, rather than a passive state of being.

Loving someone means you sacrifice your needs and put them first before your own.

Loving someone means sacrificing for their good, it means seeing a person through Gods eyes... Knowing their soul.... Wanting, no needing, to grow In your walk with God together.

See what I mean? It's all in perspective and not one single person who gave input is wrong. In fact, I think they are all right to one degree or another.  I sat down with my husband, who felt hurt that I wasn't "in love" with him at that moment and I shared with him my informal poll and my clarified thoughts on the topic. I reaffirmed that I do love him, even when I may be acting edgy.

Around the same time we were studying John 21 in our home church.  In verses 15-17 Jesus asks Peter three times "do you love me."  Two times, in my version, he asks "do you TRULY love me" and the third time he asks "do you love me."  My study note on this portion speculated on the difference between "truly love" and "love" which made me think about my question.  To rephrase the question I asked: What is the difference between truly love and love?  Here's what my study note suggests: "Truly love" refers to a love in which the entire personality, including the will, is involved. "Love" refers to the spontaneous natural affection or fondness in which emotion plays a more prominent role than will.

I love looking at different versions of the Bible to get a fuller picture. Here's what the Amplified Bible says about the two different loves Jesus uses to ask Peter: The first two loves used, in verse 15 and 16 the Amplified breaks down as this - with reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion, as one loves the Father. The love used in verse 17 the Amplified breaks it down as - with a deep, instinctive, personal affection for Me, as a close friend. In the English language we limit ourselves and use one word to describe what is actually a larger and deeper emotion. In all other languages, to my knowledge, they have several definitions for the same word to really describe the emotion. So when I say I love coffee and I love my husband do I really mean I love them equally? Of course not! In any other language I would use the word love in two different forms and the underlying meaning would be known. Here in America people equate them, in part, because we don't have depth to our words and language.  Our language clings to the surface and doesn't have the layers of meaning and emotion that other languages possess. So we have to look below the surface.

I hope my husband knows that I don't love him and coffee the same.  How tragic that would be if I did.  If I look at the love I have for my husband and the love I have for coffee according to what my studies in John 21 showed me it is clear to me that I truly love my husband.  To truly love someone means you invest your whole personality, your whole self into that relationship, including your will - which requires sacrifice.  To love something or even someone means I am basing my affection on emotions, which can fluctuate and change and doesn't involve much, if any, sacrifice of self.  The investment in this kind of love is minimal whereas the investment in truly loving is at a maximum.

If Lanny asked me today, "Are you in love with me?" my answer would still be no, not really. But I would go on to say, "Babe, I truly love you." And truly loving someone trumps "in love" every time, in my opinion.



*Oh man, I got you didn't I?  For a brief moment there you thought we might be talking about sex, right? *grin* You know, the song? Oh never mind... *wink*

Filters

I've been thinking a lot about filters.  I even recently talked a bit about filters over at 365.  Not just the ones that make my pictures look amazing or at least better but the filters that we have access to for filtering out gunk. Gunk from our water, gunk from the air, gunk from the engines running our cars. Or the filters that allow all the good stuff from something to be more present, such as coffee and tea.  Or the filters that allow the unnecessary to fall away to reveal the treasure.

If you are social media savvy and have heard of Instagram then perhaps you also know that you can put filters on the pictures you take before you share them with people.  This has made a whole bunch of average to terrible picture snappers look like they know what they are doing.  The filters Instagram offers cover a multitude of flaws, soften the sharp edges, and sharpen the too soft places.  I know filters for cameras have been around for a really long time but they have never been as accessible as they are now to the average person.  Now we all have the capability to reach for Ansel Adams heights thanks to filters!  (Yes, I am being sarcastic.)  I confess I filter the majority of my pictures and if I don't, I feel the responsibility to let everyone else know that the picture is awesome all on its own with no assistance. That's where #nofilterneeded comes into play.  I recently posted a couple of pictures of myself, which is rare to begin with.  I have zero desire to take part in the selfie craze.  But I did and I was struck with what I felt needed to be filtered and what didn't.

Here I am in the Summer of 1978.
I was four years old.
#nofilterneeded

Here I am in the Summer of 2014.
I am (almost) 40 years old.
I filtered the heck out of this picture,
I think I used every single filter there was.

What happened to my eyes and perception of self between 1978 and 2014?  That's what I am struck by.

Throughout the years I put filters in place but they worked in reverse.  Instead of filtering out the gunk they seemed to have filtered out the good. Life seems to have had a way in filtering out the potential I have within me and leaving me feeling defeated, tired, worn, and shamed.  The gunk stayed in while the treasure flowed out.  In 1978 I was too young to know defeat, but by 2014 it's an almost daily battle to not feel it.

I put the filters in place to protect myself, to shield myself from people and hurtful circumstances but the filters were faulty.  They seemed to have worked in reverse and by the time I realized they were broken and I needed to change them out I had years of gunk built up inside of me to clean out.  And some of the gunk had been there for so long that it had burrowed into my heart and set up like concrete. It was going to take some serious sweat equity to get cleaned up.  What happens over the course of years doesn't get cleaned up in a couple of days, and my 30's were spent cleaning up the gunk.  Yes, it has taken an entire decade. And then some.  Not all the gunk is cleaned out.  I'm still chipping away at the hardened muck of years gone by.

Evidence of this is the two pictures above.  In my (humble) opinion I am one of the cutest 4 year olds ever, *grin*, but at some point my eyes stopped seeing cute when they glanced at me in the mirror.  Over the years my eyes changed, my perception of self changed and today I shy away from too much time in the mirror or being looked at.  It's one of the many reasons I have zero desire to join in on the selfie craze.  I tell my redheads all the time that their eyes see differently than anyone else who looks at them.  I suppose if that is true for them, it is also true for me.  So my eyes have faulty filters still. In a decade that hasn't changed. So I still have to keep chipping away at the gunk.

When I entered my 30's it is like an alarm sounded in my life.  Warning: Filters need to be changed immediately.  So I put the sweat equity in and began the process of changing them out for new ones that worked how they were supposed to - gunk out, good in.  Turns out I needed a filter overhaul.  My mind needed a new filter, my mouth needed one too!  And my heart. Well, the filter on my heart was the most faulty of all.  And as I worked on my heart the other areas that needed a filter were easier to clean up.  So it's true, life starts in the heart and what is contained there flows out to the rest of us.

As I clean out the gunk and put the right kind of filter in place I have to be diligent to keep up on the maintenance. In our refrigerator we have a water dispenser and it gives us filtered water. But in order to keep getting filtered water we have to change out the filter 4 times a year.  Why? Because a filter catches the gunk and stops it from contaminating.  Same thing for our furnace, although we have to change the furnace filter monthly because of all the stuff floating around in our air.  So I have to be diligent in maintaining the filters on my heart, my mind, my mouth, etc and for the same reasons.  There's a lot of gunk floating around the air that my inner life breathes and ingests and I need the right kind of filter to catch those things and keep me from contamination.  And that has to be maintained by me.  Nobody else is going to take care of my filters, I'm the only one who can do that. Oh sure, other people have tried to maintain my filters for me but that never works out very well. They don't know my inner person the way the One who created me does and the way the One who created me calls me to maintenance. So I still have some sweat equity to put in but maintenance requires much less energy than cleaning up years of gunk.

While writing I stopped and took a selfie.  I, like when I was 4, have no make up on today and my curls aren't as noticeable because I put a headband on wet hair this morning.  My eyes look at the picture and send the message to my heart, "Many filters needed."  SIGH.  Thank goodness for the promise that what has been started in me will be completed, because I am a long ways off from being completed in that area of my life.  But my Creator is patient and kind and because of him I know now what kind of filters to apply to my life.

What about you? What faulty filters do you need to change out and replace with new, ones that actually work for you and not against you?

*Perspectives: On Parenting - Part 2

(If you missed it, here's Part 1)

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  
I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  

Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  

It's okay to have different ones!

To be a parent is to experience love and heartbreak in ways you never thought were even possible.  A kind of heartbreak I experience is when "Mama Bear" wants to defend her cubs from the hurt that has been dealt them.  Another kind of heartbreak is when your children push back at you for attempting to raise them to be responsible and lovely human beings.

I never thought about parenting before I became one.  Some parents I know had thought about it beforehand.  Some had decided they wanted to do things just like their parents did or exactly the opposite of their parents.  Some decided to do a few things their parents did.  But I never thought about it.  I never thought about what my parents did or didn't do so along with my hub I just parented how my gut and my God led me.  My hub and I never really discussed parenting either. Most couples discuss parenting styles so they know if they are on the same page or not but we never did.  We just parented.  And it has truly been by the grace of God that our redheads are really wonderful and unique human beings.  If they are at all like me they are version 2.0 while I am version 1.0.  There are parts of me that are envious of them, sometimes I say I want to be like them when I grow up. 

But both girls, in their own unique ways, have pushed back at our parenting in the past year or so.  Until this past year, in fact not until last week, did I realize that parenting teens is triggering some issues I dealt with long ago. I have found myself anxious, fearful, uncertain, frustrated.  This is not my typical parenting personality.  But with the push back we have received I find myself in a place I haven't been in a very long time. 

My spike in anxiety levels is symptomatic of classic people pleasing.  Hey, we all, myself included, want our kids to like us. But the reality is sometimes they aren't going to.  When the girls were younger, before Middle School years, I didn't allow my desire for them to like me affect my parenting or me in any way.  I had no problems if they decided not to like me for a minute or two.  I think mostly because it truly would only be a minute or two.  But then the moments of not liking me stretched out and the tension it created was uncomfortable.  People pleasers, in recovery or not, don't like tension.  The temptation to smooth things over was always present but until the fine art of negotiation began I never gave in to it.

In the past year or so our oldest has started negotiating with us.  It's one thing to make an appeal, it's another thing to negotiate.  And after months of this I can't take it anymore. It has sucked the very life out of me.  I dread any communication I have to have with her that I know she won't like and will push back on. At times, because of her insistence, the hub and I have compromised - we give in halfway and really to give in halfway is to give in all the way.  I believe we have done it because we don't want our daughter to be mad at us or not like us. But the reality is, at some point she's going to be mad at us and not like us.  We have to find a way to be okay with it and, as my sister-in-love said, continue to "get up in her grill." We have a responsibility to our children.  Whether they know it or not, whether they like it or not, they need us to stand our ground with them. 

I feel the weight of parenting on my heart these days.  And I feel the weight of my own struggles that parenting triggers.  Each time the hub and I decide a talk with one, or both, of our children needs to be had my heart feels about 10 times heavier than normal.  My anxiety rises and threatens to override my "Mama Bear" gut instinct. That's right.  "Mama Bear" fights for her cubs, defensively and offensively.  Not only do I fight for them when their hearts have been wounded by others but I fight for them when their hearts are being threatened by choices they are making and I know will wound them at some point.  "Mama Bear" and I aren't always going to win the fight but we need to at least show up and when I allow my people pleasing anxiety to interfere in the fight then I, and my daughters, lose. I'm incongruous. I happen to know that my gut instinct is always spot on so when I make a decision opposite it I am doing nobody any favors.

So on the nights I'm not laying there in the dark heart racing with fear over their emotional trauma, I'm laying there with heart racing over the disservice I may do them if I give in and don't stand my ground.  I utter prayers to God for wisdom and discernment.  I've asked, consistently, that if either one of my children are doing something that isn't right or trying to hide something from us then God would expose it so it could be dealt with.  I struggle internally with my fears of my children disliking me, being mad at me, distancing themselves from me.  And lately this happens more often than not.  It's been a hard and challenging "year" of parenting and the internal struggle with my issues combined with the external struggle with the oldest has exhausted me.  I am worn out, run down, living a black hole life.  But "Mama Bear" and I need to keep showing up for the fight for their hearts.  In the end it doesn't matter how worn out and run down I get, their hearts are worth it.  I just hope that someday my sweet redheads realize that. 

*Perspectives: On Parenting - Part 1

*Perspective: A way of looking at a situation.  I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, aunt, and employee.  I don't claim to be an expert on anything nor have all the answers to something.  Please bear that in mind as you read my perspective.  Chances are good it will differ from your own.  It's okay to have different ones!

When I held them in my arms just minutes after they were born all those years ago I prayed and wished more for them than what I was.  As they grew older and the hub and I had to make decisions and draw boundaries and sometimes swim upstream against culture I prayed and wished more for them than what I was.  With each passing year I breathed a sigh of relief that we all grew through the year and incredibly they were already better than what I was.  Still I prayed and wished more for them than what I was.  We faced the awkward Middle School years and we have not survived them, we have thrived in them.  Still I pray and wish more for them than what I was.  With one halfway through high school and one on the cusp of high school I dare to hope that they will continue to be more than what I was.  

This past year parenting became challenging, scary, hurtful, hard.  Both of our girls have experienced some emotional trauma and if you are a parent you know what that does to your own heart.  

I experienced my own emotional trauma (who hasn't?) in 6th grade. Sixth grade was a very defining year for me, although I wouldn't realize it until years later.  I'll spare you the details but this one: when I got home from school the day that this emotional trauma peaked, I walked into my Mama's bedroom with a tear streaked face and head hung in shame.  She picked up her phone, dialed the school, and gave the Principal of the school an earful.  The next week I found myself in a counselor's office.  My Mama showed me her heart that day when she went "Mama Bear" on my behalf.  As I said, that day was very defining.  I came away from my sixth grade year believing these messages about myself, "You are worthless", "You are not enough", "You will never be able to get 'it' right", "Your voice doesn't count", "You must be perfect", and other messages along those lines. Awesome right? Well I lived out of those messages for years, it wasn't until the past 10 years that I finally faced them and dealt with them.  So when I held my sweet redheads in my arms the day they were born and prayed and wished for them to be more than what I was, it was those messages I was praying out of their lives before they ever had a chance to enter in.  My hub and I have made sure that we communicate to our children the very opposite of what I lived with for years.  

But sometimes the lies are just a little louder or a little bolder than we anticipate. And until the past year my oldest redhead was strong in spirit, confident of herself, bold in her convictions, unwilling to allow peer pressure to speak into her life.  Somewhere along the way the little lies wiggled in until they sounded like her own voice.  My heart is broken. I wanted so desperately for my girls to not have to struggle with these kinds of lies. When I hear my oldest say these things that are not true I get angry and I'm devastated.  When my hub and I attempt to speak truth into her life and she rolls her eyes in disbelief or withdraws saying something like, "You have to say that because you are my parents" I feel a little part of my heart die.  When she allows the lies to convince her that we, her parents, don't believe in her or her potential I am angered and sick to my stomach. I know this battle.  I fought this battle for many years before finally finding victory.  It is an exhausting and damaging battle.  I don't want my child to fight this battle, there will be plenty of others she will have to fight.  

With my stomach in knots, my hands clammy, and my heart racing a mile a minute I lay in bed at night and I pray and I wish for her, for both of them, to be more than what I was and am.  And with my life experience as part of my guidebook for this adventure called parenting I, with a sinking heart, seek out a counselor she would be willing to talk to and to connect with so that she doesn't have to battle these lies for the next 15 years.  I look at her sister, so quirky in all good ways, and wonder what lies are already trying to wiggle in past the truth her Dad and I speak over her. She's already experienced some emotional trauma, very different than her sister's and that come with very different messages that, if believed, will be very damaging to her heart and relationships.  

I'm so scared for my girls.  My heart does double-time when I think of them being unhappy because of these lies and false messages.  The "Mama Bear" in me is clawing from within, anxious to be released and fight for her cubs.  But I have to be patient and wise about how I let my "Mama Bear" help.  I can't just let her loose, but I can let her have a voice from time to time.  But will my sweet redheads know that "Mama Bear" and I fight for them because they are loved and have the potential to be so much more than I ever was or am?