I've been waiting to turn 40 since I was about 35. I think having an older husband makes me sometimes feel older than I really am and so I forget, often, my true age. No joke. I have to stop and think and do the math.
My 30's were hard, amazing, painful, beautiful, life changing. I came out of the cocoon in my 30's as God took me through a metamorphosis of sorts. I found my skin and I settled into it. I learned to stop apologizing for who I was and instead live life out of who I am. I found my voice, I quit striving to please people, my worldview expanded about a billion times from where it was, I discovered God in ways I had never seen him before, I made changes to my expression of faith, I gained friends and I lost friends. I gained weight and lost weight. My hair was short and then longer, I've been tan and my natural white. And just in the past couple of years I came to accept certain facts about myself. Things that aren't character flaws but things that are more preferences, likes/dislikes, things such as:
- I don't like the outdoors. Now a lot of you know this, and mock me for it, BUT did you know (because I didn't) that I have never really liked the outdoors, even as a wee one. I always preferred playing indoors out of the sun and where there was no dirt and no bugs.
- Sweating aggravates me. And then the aggravation turns to anger. I despise sweating. This explains my disdain for humidity and extreme heat, or anything above 75, and my reluctance for exercise. I know I need to exercise but the sweating really messes with my attitude and head.
- This Type A chick has really bad time management/estimate skills. I'm horrible at estimating length of time for getting somewhere, finishing a task, preparing to leave the house at a particular time, pretty much anything that has to do with time and getting somewhere on time. I hate it that I am so bad at it and I've tried a bunch of different things to reverse it or to get me more on time but alas the bad habit dies hard. I haven't given up on trying to be more on time and more realistic with time management but it's slow going.
Now some of you may read those few things and if you know me you probably just went, "Ah, so that is the explanation for *that*." Hey, these are minor things, love me or leave me. Ha! I used to apologize for not liking the outdoors, for example, but I haven't apologized for that in a long time. It is what it is. :)
After I let go of the perfectionism that was holding me prisoner the rest of my 30's was spent learning to be okay with not being great at something, not being liked by everyone, making a mistake and owning up to it, and not stressing myself out to put forth a picture of who I thought people wanted me to be. Some people were disappointed I broke out of the jail perfectionism, that's fine - they aren't people that are healthy to be in relationship with.
After I quit striving to please everyone at the cost of my relationships with God and others the rest of my 30's was spent learning to be okay with someones disappointment when I didn't jump as high as they wanted me to, learning to stand up appropriately for myself and not allow people to throw me under the bus for the sake of their reputation, understanding the difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking (HUGE differences!) and learning to be a peacemaker, and learning that when I walk in fear of God things go much much much better for me and everyone else around me. Some people were disappointed I broke out of perfectionism, that's fine - they aren't people that are healthy to be in relationship with.
After my worldview was expanded in my early 30's I spent the rest of my 30's trying to learn more, engage more, promote awareness more, understand more. It has been at a turtle's pace but I continue to learn, engage, and move forward on behalf of "the least of these." I also have a better perspective on the universal similarities between any culture and the differences between them, my expanded worldview has given me a more balanced opinion about the "great" America. Yes, I am thankful for the freedoms of living here but this nation is not 'da bomb diggity, we are hypocritical, destroyed by debt, entitled, rude, obnoxious, and a myriad of other negative adjectives. I no longer wonder why other countries and nations hate us, I get it.
The biggest change I think I went through was that of my expression of faith. It caused a bit of chaos in my life. But the choices I have made in regards to expression have deepened my faith and have driven me to a place with God I know I never would have arrived at sitting in a box on Sunday mornings. The choices I have made regarding this way of expressing my faith have led to a freedom in Christ I had never experienced before...and I was born into the church nursery, I've been in church my whole life. I've had a personal relationship with God since I was 4 or 5. But there was always a sense of being held prisoner. No longer, he set me free from that and has affirmed my decision regarding expression of faith many times. Changing my expression of faith put to test the people pleasing I had dealt with, so that got refined a bit as well.
What do my 30's have to do with turning 40? My 30's were a set up. I know they were. God isn't done with this whole transformation he's been doing the past 10 years. But I firmly believe that before I could go through anymore I had to go through what I did in my 30's and come out of it settled into my skin. I've never felt so settled into myself. It's quite liberating! Oh sure, there are things I don't like about myself - my weight is probably the biggest (pun intended) thing I don't like about myself. But I no longer let the things I don't like affect my sense of worth. My size has nothing to do with my heart and who I am at the core. I'm learning this slowly but surely. That doesn't mean I just give up on my physical health but it does mean I don't equate it to value and worth.
How do I feel about turning 40? FANTASTIC. I've been looking forward to forty for quite some time. I'm just wondering, however, when I'm going to feel like an actual adult? :)
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