I know, for me, part of what is fascinating about Hoarders is the psychology behind it. The attempts to bury and hide deep wounds, hurts, betrayals, and insecurities. The attempt to cover up the dysfunction of self and other relationships. The distortion of something that at first seemed good on the surface.
I've been thinking about hoarding recently in ways that aren't often talked about or viewed as hoarding. Such as this trend of Extreme Couponing. Have you heard about it? Women, mostly, go coupon crazy and basically stockpile food, household items, and hygiene products and get them for cheap because of their "savvy" use of coupons and store deals and rebates. Here's a sample of what this stockpile ends up looking like in homes:
Um. Basically that is organized hoarding.
Here's a picture of unorganized hoarding:
For some reason when someone can organize their hoard and they have, in theory, saved a lot of money acquiring their hoard we call it a good thing or a frugal thing. But when their hoard is in disarray and they live in squalor then we call it a bad thing. But they are the SAME thing. Both kinds of people are hoarding. In fact, I may go so far as to say the "extreme couponing" people are the worst offenders in this. Why would I say that? Because the coupon clippers don't see their hoarding as a problem, they mask it with frugality, saving money, etc. Regular hoarders at least recognize on some level that there is a problem. Both kinds of hoarding are a kind of greed, a type of insecurity, an obsession that interferes with relationships and emotional/mental health.
I was thinking about the issues I have spent the last decade working through. For a long time I hung on to my people pleasing ways, to my attempts at perfectionism, to my need to be needed. You might say I hoarded those unhealthy mindsets and behaviors. Hoarding those things led to an accumulation of unforgiveness for people who had hurt me, an unwillingness to be vulnerable, I built walls around me so that nobody could see I wasn't perfect (don't even go there, yes I know that was obvious even with the walls!), I allowed my heart to be cluttered with lies like I wasn't worth it, I was useless, I had no value, I was too much and not enough all at once, I collected shame from mistakes I had made and let them pile up. The hoard grew and grew and as more lies piled on top of each other things began to rot in my life. I emitted a stench from my heart, and therefore life, all of my clutter and accumulation of unhealthy mindsets and behaviors kept people at more than arm's length and fostered relationships in which people saw opportunities to take advantage of me. People, I was a hot mess.
Hoarders are hot messes. Sometimes they know it, sometimes they don't. But the people around them, if anyone is left, always knows how much of a hot mess the hoarder is. Yet oftentimes they are unable to get through to their hoarder. It takes outside help. On the show Hoarders they bring in an organizer, a psychologist, and a team of worker bees. When I could no longer contain my hoard to the depths of myself I needed outside help. To try and clean up the hoard on my own was going to be a disaster. Insisting on doing by myself would have been pride at its best. Pride only adds more clutter to the hoard. It takes humility to invite someone else into the hoard, pride keeps us from issuing the invitation.
When the right people are invited into the hoard things become even more painful because as people come in and see the extent of the hoard and what kind of damage it has caused they want to get rid of things. Easy for them, they aren't emotionally attached to the hoard! And that's exactly why it becomes even more painful. The outside help has perspective the hoarder can't have. It becomes a battle and can lead to tears, anger, and frustration. The options are either give up and continue to live in the filth of the hoard or fight through the anger and frustration and clear out the hoard.
Hoarders want to go through everything to see what they feel comfortable getting rid of. One of the reasons they are considered a hoarder is because they don't feel comfortable getting rid of anything! The thought of parting with the moldy, mildewed, damaged, broken, filthy object introduces a panic attack. It makes no sense to anyone but them. That's why outside help is critical. Outside help can help the hoarder figure out the root of that panic and how to address it in healthier ways.
I can relate.
For example, when it came time for me to start clearing out the people pleasing in my life I had a lot of panic attacks. "I can't say no to that person, what if they will hate me then? I can't have anyone hating me" or "I can't say no to that task, people will think I am lazy." Or a bunch of other excuses for why I was allowing others to use me as their personal doormat. Saying "no" was tough. Anticipating the disappointment and potential anger of the person I was "letting down" had me in a constant state of anxiety. It made no sense. I knew in my head that saying "no" was okay and healthy but my heart didn't agree. I had to learn how to bridge the gap between my head and my heart and some days that 18 inches might as well have been 1000 miles. But the more I said "no" the more my heart began to connect to my head and the smaller that hoard pile named "people pleasing" became.
Once hoarded piles are removed and addressed there's all this space. Wide open spaces that convey freedom, suddenly it feels like deep breaths can be taken, there's room for healthy things. And you wonder, why did I ever let it get *that* bad?
A lot of hoarders start out by collecting something or purchasing something because "someday I'm going to work on that". It's never an intentional act to create walls of stuff around them, spend money they don't have on things they don't need, hang on to trash, allow food to rot, etc. Nobody grows up and says, "I want to be a hoarder someday." All of it is to cover up their hearts, it's a way to distance themselves from whatever the hurt is. And we all do that. But some of us do that in ways that aren't as visible as the hoarder of a home.
I have unknowingly hoarded good things. By hoarding and abusing those things or people I twisted them from a good thing to a damaging thing in my life. I allowed my unhealthy mindsets to distort the good and turn it into bad. We all do this, not one of us is exempt. Maybe we haven't recognized it yet but we all do it with something or someone in our lives.
Are there any behaviors, mindsets, emotions, or situations that you have hoarded and you know that the stench of them is keeping people at arm's length? That the filth of them might be interfering with your career? Have you wondered why relationships are only skimming the surface of your life and not going deeper? Hoard piles and walls don't allow for depth and ease of movement.
Dear Hoarder, I understand. I really, really do. Don't let pride fool you into thinking you can clear out the hoard on your own. Invite someone into it. As embarrassing as it may feel, issue an invitation to someone and begin to clear out the hoard in your life so that you can live in freedom.
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