Words Fail Me

I've lost something. Not my mind, although some days it feels like I am. It's my words. I've lost them and I can't find them. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of them and think they might be returning but then they disappear again. 

It's not the words about the weather and my favorite TV show that have been lost. Those are still present. It's the important words. The words that reveal who I am, what I'm thinking, my grief, my joy, my anger, even my indifference. 

Ask me how I am and you'll get an awkward moment of silence before I answer, "I'm fine." Except you and I both know I'm not being totally honest. Here's the thing - I'm not lying. I am fine. But words fail me to elaborate on the always lame "I'm fine" answer. Words fail me to answer in any other way than "I'm fine." I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I can't find any words beyond "I'm fine."  

I noticed this loss of words begin a few years ago. It started with a suppression I was experiencing at my then workplace. My voice - literally and figuratively - was increasingly being squashed and criticized.  In my personal life my voice was changing like one does in puberty - it was cracking and would raise and lower in pitch as I was settling into it. A couple of major events led me to speechlessness by March 2017. And I have yet to gain my speech back. 

Because I feel things - situations, injustices, conflicts - so deeply the words get buried underneath the feelings. There's so much I want to say about it all that I can't say anything at all. I can't find words to adequately express what I'm feeling and thinking and I find myself mute. The words I want to say these days are colored with anger, disgust, disbelief, confusion, judgement and to let loose those words colored with those emotions would be something I would regret. They would hurt people, alienate me from instead of endear me to others, they would not be the model of shalom I am committed to learning and practicing. 

One gift of my failed words is that of listening. Learning to listen is leading me down roads of understanding into people, cultures, faith expressions, genders, politics, and more. Listening has encouraged me to practice critical thinking. Listening has led me to be more like Jesus to people I interact with. 

So "I'm fine" until words return - words that will build up not tear down, words that will introduce life, words that convey the beauty of shalom, words that will be evidence toward the listening I have tried to do. Until then.