Recently our home church decided to invade comfort levels and wash each other's feet. It ended up families washed each other's feet while the other families observed. We need to take baby steps (pun intended) with this whole command. Yep, it's a command given to us by Christ.
Frankly, it is a little unnerving to consider. And what's weird about that is that I am all about getting a pedicure, I have no qualms about a perfect stranger touching my feet. I don't mind my husband rubbing my feet either. But washing them? I start to pull back a little. There is something oddly intimate about someone else washing my feet. It places me in a position of vulnerability and that is very unnerving. And as I watched other people getting their feet watched I felt vulnerable on their behalf.
What is it about feet that exposes us to others, to even ourselves? Perhaps it is that feet are so unique, filled with personality and character. They can be, and are, beautiful - ugly - bony - chubby - cracked - smooth - calloused - tough - sensitive - small - large - smelly. And to expose them to someone else feels like we are exposing them to all of those things that are true of us as well. We can be, and are, beautiful - ugly - edgy - curvy - cracked - smooth - calloused - tough - sensitive - smelly. And we pull back when we don't want others to see and know that about us, even our spouses.
When I held my foot out to my husband I instinctively curled my toes inward as if drawing back. It's possible I even drew my foot back a bit but he had a grasp on it by that point so he kept it over the bowl. He poured the water over it and then took the towel to dry it off. Such intimacy. And with others watching it made it just a tad more unnerving. There was nervous twittering the entire time from all of us there. It's uncomfortable to take part in and observe such an intimate act.
I imagine the disciples felt similar when Jesus stripped off his outer garments, tied a towel around his waist, and knelt down on the ground at the dusty and smelly feet of the men who had followed him for the last three years. I imagine there was nervous twittering and an insecurity at Jesus touching the rough and calloused feet. But Peter, as usual, was the only one bold enough to speak out loud what I think all of them were thinking, "Lord, you are going to wash my feet?" Jesus answered in the affirmative and Peter, as usual, came back with, "No! You should never wash my feet!" Imagine telling Jesus no. Oh wait. We do, everyday. We tell him no everyday. We, like Peter, lose sight of who is knelt down at our feet. We forget the past years of learning at his feet. We curl our figurative toes inward to draw away from the one who wants to wash us clean. We protest with voices that tremble with insecurity and fear at being found in such a vulnerable position. And Jesus, with grace in his voice and love in his eyes, says to Peter, and to us, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me." Now I confess I am not near as bold as Peter who then, as usual, took it all the way, "Well then Lord don't stop at my feet! Wash all of me!" Poor Peter. He gets a lot of flack from the pulpit for his bold statements and actions. But I see and hear zeal in Peter. He is zealous for the Lord. He loves Jesus more than he may even realize. He believes even if he isn't quite sure what that belief means or will cost him. I like Peter, I relate to him. I, too, feel zeal for my Lord. But I'm not bold like Peter. I draw back and take a slower approach. Jesus corrects Peter, and perhaps us, "No Peter. You don't need a full body wash, you are clean except for your feet. Washing your feet fulfills the need." Peter quiets down and we can assume he then placed his feet in the hands of Jesus.
I understand the vacillating. I pull back from Jesus, unwilling to let him see and touch my insecurities and flaws. He tells me that if I don't allow him in those places then I will have no part with him so I throw everything I have at him in desperation to be part of him. He has to pull me back to a balance and reminds me that he only asked for specific insecurities and flaws, not all of it. He knows what I don't. Eventually we'll get to the place where he has touched every insecurity and flaw but we'll take baby steps to get there (pun intended).
If I can't get vulnerable with the One who created me then I'm really going to have a tough time getting vulnerable with people. And I see the struggle in me. I vacillate with people - my husband, my besties, my community. I want vulnerability and sometimes I'm able to get there but a lot of times I curl my heart inward and start to pull back. It is a lot of steps forward and backward but Philippians 1:6 says I have as much time as God determines I need to be called "complete" and since I see being complete includes allowing all of me to have been exposed and cleansed by Christ I guess I'm going to have to be patient in the process, and allow grace to wash over me...and my feet.
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