My most recent moment of consideration happened on Wednesday, March 30 at about 5 am. Most of you know the story, some of you don't and for that I apologize. When life alters so quickly you tend to forget all the people who would probably want to know and try to remember who really needs to know!
My consideration that came this time was that of my marriage. My hub of 15 1/2 years (yay for Lanny for putting up with me for that long!) called out to me in the strongest voice he could and his message was, "I'm not going to make it, call 911." This is the man that I usually can't get to go get a haircut much less get to a Doctor so I knew it was serious. He was scared so I stayed calm and dialed 911. Less than an hour later he was in the ER courtesy of an ambulance ride - his second in our marriage I might add - and Doc's were busy trying to figure out what was wrong with my man. To say that he was sick is a gross understatement. He was more than sick but I was at peace. I can't explain that outside of Jesus being my sure foundation. After a couple of hours they decided the better place for him was ICU (or CCU, same thing!). So we moved there. And that is where I would spend the next several days staring at my hub fighting for his life and considering what marriage vows really meant. If you don't know the full story and really want to know then contact me and I'll share it with you.
I don't know how old you were when you got married but I was a young thing. I was a month into my 21st year of life and Lanny was 2 months shy of 33 years old. And can I just be honest about being that young and getting married? Everyone I know that gets married at that age does it more with sex on the brain than the realities of marriage. C'mon, let's be real. Very few actually do it with reality in mind. The Pastor is asking them to repeat their vows and they are, all the while thinking about having sex that night "legally" in the sight of God, if they are believers. I remember saying our vows and the only ones I remember clearly are, "for richer or poorer", Lanny and I both actually snickered when those had to be repeated because we knew it would always be "for poorer" and so far that has been true. :) Anyway. Hardly anyone really considers the wedding vows they make but once the sex calms down and the newness of it wears away and reality makes its presence known then marriage isn't all that and a bag of chips like anyone thinks on their wedding day. Hey, I love marriage but there's a reality to it. And apparently one of my purposes is to make sure the realities of life get highlighted and not neglected. :)
When we got married we said the traditional vows:
I, Beth, take you, Lanny to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish, 'til death do us part.
Ha! I was a month into my 21st year of life, moving from a bedroom in my parents home to a townhouse with a "boy". I had no idea the reality of those vows! But I was going to learn.
Until March 30 I didn't even realize that I never think about those vows. I don't "bring" them with me into every day and some of them I'm not very good at. Life goes on and in the day-to-day I lose those vows. Oh I still live by them but I never actually consider them. Simple words that hold deeply sacred meaning. Of course, on March 30, the part of the wedding vows that I focused in on were the sickness and health ones. I remember that I actually thought to myself, "Well here we are at the sickness, the rubber meets the road here at this moment" and I was really good with it. Ironically the sickness was going to further the poorer part of the vows as well and yet I was really good. Lanny? Oh he was sedated, he was fine with it all! HA! So I sat in ICU and looked at my hub breathing with the help of a ventilator and sedated so that he was "this" much aware but not really and I thought about the marriage vows. In 15 1/2 years Lanny and I have experienced enough that we have covered, more than once, each vow. Better? Check. Worse? Check. Richer? Well compared to what? :) Poorer? CHECK. Sickness? Check. Health? Check. Love? Check. Cherish? Here's where I fail and Lanny excels so check for him, epic fail for me. Just being real. (This is where a lot of you breathe a sigh of relief and think to yourselves, "Oh good, she DOES know...") But experiencing each of the vows has done something. I sat there and realized that Lanny and I? Our marriage? It is...well, it is STRONG and SOLID. Sure, I'm not the greatest wife. I've already confessed to the lack of cherishing like I should and I might as well let you know that I'm a major reason for the poorer status of our marriage. Lanny can often be heard saying, "God bless your generous heart Beth..." as he attempts to squeeze blood out of the turnip named Peninger finances. :) But back to strong and solid because I'd really like to swing focus back to that. :) We really are strong and solid. That doesn't mean we are perfect. It doesn't mean we don't bicker. It doesn't mean that we don't, at times, irritate the heck out of each other. It doesn't mean that at times we haven't silently questioned what in the heck were we thinking when we agreed to marry? But overall health of our marriage? Strong and solid. Imagine, I thought, what our marriage would be like if I intentionally thought about our vows every day? What if I brought them into the day-to-day? How would that change our marriage for the even better? Considerations like these are the reason why marriage is a marathon not a sprint. 15 years and I'm JUST now thinking about it? This is marathon stuff.
I know my hub. And I know his thoughts and his process and even his faith when things like this happen, especially to our family. So I prepared. I called one of his best friends in to pray some specific things, I shared with a select few what I knew Lanny would say and do and requested prayer. I got ready for when he woke up from sedation and was fully aware of the magnitude of this event. An oft quoted and used scripture from Ecclesiastes for marriage and relationships comes from chapter 4, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Lanny had fallen down, I was - I am - the one God has provided to help him up. I've seen this in our marriage over and over again. When one has fallen down (spiritual, emotional, physical, ect) the other always has this inner strength and is more than able to help the fallen one get back up on their feet. Very rarely have we fallen down at the same time, if we ever have. It makes me think of a three-legged race. Remember those? If one person allows their head to get ahead of the rhythm of the race both fall. But if both of them can keep their head in the game when one stumbles a bit (because even with our head in the game we can take little stumbles when obstacles appear that we didn't anticipate) the other can get them back on track and they continue to race. A test in any marriage is this: will you help your fallen spouse up? Not can you but will you? There's a difference between the two. One is ability and one is desire. It's great when those two meet up, some powerful things can happen. But when someone denies their ability to assist their spouse in whatever way they have fallen because they don't have a desire to see their spouse get up then there is a problem. A big one. What if Lanny and I had argued, horribly, right before this happened? A test of my character and commitment to him would be can I put that aside and love my hub and help him or am I going to hold a grudge and "punish" him for our argument? We didn't argue prior to his "fall" but I had to consider what if we had? What would my response then have been? Would it have changed from how I did respond? The answer, btw, is no. I would've responded exactly how I did because I, regardless of arguments etc, have a desire and ability to be a helpmate to my hub and those two things I chose to override flesh responses. Lanny laying in an ICU bed and the days following when he was awake and was responding as I knew he would was a visual of Ecclesiastes in our marriage. I came alongside and prayed for him and wiped his tears and smoothed his brow and spoke words of assurance. None of it was forced or fake btw, I genuinely meant and felt it all. God had given me that peace that passes all human understanding and comprehension. He promises to do that for us and he did it for me so that I could help my hub to get back up on his feet in figurative ways.
We left the ICU with a stronger marriage I believe. Stronger because I had a moment. Stronger because God gave me opportunity to literally see and feel marriage vows and Ecclesiastes and the promises of peace from him. Will I be "perfect"? Nope. I'll mess up, I probably already have, but I'm much more aware now and feeling much more intentional and that is always half the battle!
Lanny and I are strong and solid. How much more so will we be when I chose to bring our vows into the day-to-day in intentional ways? Stay tuned! :)
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