Today my oldest redhead started 6th grade. She bolted out of the car this morning without so much as a glance in my direction and I drove away with tears pouring down my face. (She would be so confused if she had seen the tears, I’ve been waiting for this day all summer!) Memories of my 6th grade year are flooding me and sometimes those memories make me feel like I am drowning. To this very day I carry some of that year with me. I still battle lies fed to me and I still engage in coping behaviors in moments of extreme stress or emotional distress that were created as a result of that year. YUCK.
This summer I hauled some luggage around the world. I simultaneously bemoaned and rejoiced over the 50 pound weight limit. Have you carried 50 pounds of dead weight? WHEW. I was certainly thankful for the wheels on my luggage that allowed me to navigate with a degree of ease. I also hauled a different kind of weight this summer. The 30 pounds that I have lost to date. My trainer could see that I was having a hard time believing my weight loss so he made me carry the weight I have lost. WHEW. I am certainly thankful for losing that weight so that I can navigate my life with a degree of ease. Both kinds of weight made me feel awkward and loaded down. When I was free of them I moved as if I were floating! What a huge difference!
My sixth grade year is a weight that I carried around for years. The sad part is I didn’t even know it! The year actually started out good. We began the year with a substitute teacher because our teacher had a heart attack over the summer and was still recuperating. With his arrival the year spiraled downward. He decided to hate me. For real. He picked on me, he taunted and mocked me in class, nothing I ever did was good enough, and he tried to fail me in several subjects. My mom was in my classroom and the Principal’s office more times than I can remember trying to address the obvious issues with this teacher. I was feeling pretty low. I remember thinking that if I just tried harder, just submitted even more that maybe he would like me. But nothing I ever did was good enough, nothing I said was ever right, and I was worthless. I crouched in a corner of my heart and tried to hide from the world. Nothing helped the wounds that had been dealt my heart.
A few years ago the Lord was gracious to me and showed me what I picked up in 6th grade. I was limping along through my life trying to carry this cumbersome load. It was pretty heavy baggage. But he showed me how to let it go, how to unpack the baggage and lighten my load. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) I was burdened and therefore I was a burden to people in my life! I learned that when I’m burdened it doesn’t just stay contained within me; it seeps out and weighs down people who interact with me. YUCK.
God took me through a process in which I had to go back to sixth grade for a brief moment and pinpoint what I was led to believe, unknowingly, during that time. It didn’t matter that my mom had come to my defense and believed in me. What was said and done to me far outweighed what good she had done. Unfortunately I find that to be true of so many people in the world today. It is easier to believe the negative things about ourselves than to believe the positive things. But all that does is end up weighing us down with fear, shame, guilt, controlling behaviors, and the list goes on and on. Raise your hand if you want to keep hauling THAT baggage around with you! No thank you! As God pinpointed things in my life that were a direct result of that year of school I was able to look at them through the filter of his word and slowly I began to unpack that baggage. And my load became lighter as I gave over to him the things that I thought were true of me and picked up what he really has to say about me. As I unpacked the baggage he began to remind me of things he had placed in me all those years ago. I started to unfold from my crouched position and look forward to what he said he wanted to do through me. "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18-19) He wouldn’t allow me to hide any longer; he was putting me in a new place to do the things he had purposed for me so long ago. (Ephesians 2:10) I began to feel the freedom of walking through life without the load! What a huge difference it makes in my relationship with God, my relationships with others, and how I navigate through this life I have been given!
Last week my mom looked at me with dread on her face. “Oh no, she got a male teacher for 6th grade.” And I took a deep breath. She and I both have the same memories of my sixth grade year but the memories have affected us in different ways. I smiled and said, “It’s going to be good, it’s going to be okay.” And you know what? It will be!
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten….” (Joel 2:25a)
3 comments:
I love your heart, Beth... thanks for sharing so honestly. You bless all who are privileged to call you "friend."
As someone who was there with you in 6th grade, I am proud that you are able to let go and forgive and live despite that year. I am thankful that you were in that class though Beth- I needed you that year, that was the year of all the court dates during my parents divorce and you held my hand and listened to me when no one else could or would . I love you girl!
Beth, Melissa said it well - thank you for sharing your heart and one part of the process God is taking you on to heal your heart and to live a life of love, His perfect love shining through you. I can't help but think of Isaiah 61 and how God loves to set people free!
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